Our life isn’t ready for a baby but I am: let’s talk about dealing with baby fever

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Want. By: christina rutzCC BY 2.0
I’m 27 and my husband is 32. We’ve been together for nine years and have been living together for seven. I’ve wanted to have babies since I can remember. In fact, were it not for my ever-awesome man-dude and his unwavering resolution to wait, it would have happened long ago.

And I know it’s for the best. If I were to get pregnant right now, the timing would be terrible. But does that stop me from planning out every single detail of our future child’s existence? Nope. Does it stop the sinking feeling I get when I see a new announcement pop up online? Nope!

I’ve tried to just grin and bear it. I’ve tried crafting things for the future baby in hopes of convincing my brain that we’re moving forward. I originally started all of the over-planning in hopes of combating the Baby Fever but I (obviously) got carried away and it’s so much worse now. Nothing I’ve tried has worked.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through the waiting period when everything in you aside from logic and reason wants to have a baby? — Kathryn

Be sure to read this post: Babycrack: when wanting a baby gets weird, and then let’s talk about it…

Comments on Our life isn’t ready for a baby but I am: let’s talk about dealing with baby fever

  1. I keep reminding myself that it’s not just about the baby, it’s about being a parent. It’s fun reading about pregnancy-n-childbirth (I can’t believe I just wrote that, but yes that’s my Internet guilty pleasure), but in the long run it’s about being a parent. It’s about dealing with meltdowns and medical crises and schools and parent teacher interviews and college applications and and and… Yep, I have this biological longing to get pregnant and have a newborn, but being a parent is so, so much more important.

    My partner and I want to be in a position where I can go back to work after having a kid. I work in an industry where women vanish after they become parents; the best plan for me is to reach a stage where I can freelance, and I’m not prepared to freelance until I can just be this killer, take-no-prisoners mercenary who can come into an agency, win a pitch and leave. I’m just not there yet, so my career is my absolute top priority right now, and will be for the next 3-4 years.

    I know these priorities seem odd or cold-hearted to many, but for me it’s part of planning to be a parent. It’s not all about money, but there’s no beating around the bush – the more financial stability my partner and I can create for our family the better.

    • YES! It’s about being a parent. Not just about being pregnant (had an awesome first pregnancy) or about the birth (a quick one) or holding a newborn (squee!), it’s about parenting that child…from newborn through adulthood.

  2. Knowing that for us it is way too early for my husband and I to have a baby- we married young, I’m still in my PhD and he is still in school also- and that on an intellectual level neither of us wants a kid yet (we both love to travel and enjoy our alone time and flexibility too much right now), those darn hormones are such a pain! My one friend from university described it like this, “When I see a cute baby I just want to shove it up my uterus and give birth to it myself so it can be my baby.” And while that might sound really weird I definitely feel that way quite a bit. I also picture our future kid a lot and make plans and buy maternity books (which is also part of my research but exacerbates some of the baby fever– i know this might sound strange but i am really really looking forward to the birthing process). The way I cope is I think of the intermediary steps. I’m a huge dog person. Dogs too take away quite a bit of your freedom. My plan this summer was to adopt a dog after coming back from Scandinavia but instead that trip (like most) made me psyched to start planning the paddling trip in New Zealand. I know that if I am not ready for the dog yet that I am not ready for the baby. Then the dog will actually help me see if I want to commit to a baby eventually. Having all of these intermediary steps helps slow down the process and get a grips on my hormones.

    • I don’t know what to think about your comment. You say you are a huge dog person, so that makes me think you should have a dog if you want one. But I can’t get on board with people using dogs as practice children, or even using that language because it continues the problem of new parents dumping their dog at a shelter. They are literally different animals! If you want a dog, get a dog for its own sake. I recommend to my friends who love dogs but don’t want to commit or aren’t sure yet to dog-sit for their friends or volunteer at a shelter walking dogs.

  3. I love this thread!
    Since I am currently child free and lurking about in the offbeat families site, we can safely assume that my Baby Fever is running pretty high. I will be 36 in a few months (there is the source of the Baby Fever!), so I think the idea that the window is starting to inch shut is making me feel an over inflated sense of urgency. I have had two baby related dreams in as many weeks. I recently told my boyfriend that I want to have a child once I graduate from grad school (there is the road block!).
    A few posters have mentioned planning as their go-to response. Me too! I have decided to have my IUD removed early next summer. I will then wing it until graduation in August. I am planning a trip abroad as celebration for finishing school. Upon returning to the states after the vacation- I think I will commence actively trying. Hahaha, that is funny–like I won’t be constantly monitoring my period app on my phone once the IUD is taken out (and perhaps some strategic activities on specific days that I may or may not be ovulating)!
    Anyway- like I said– I love this thread and seeing responses from other seemingly sane and normal women confess to being a little baby crazed.

  4. Thank you so much for this post. It’s so comforting to know there are others in the same boat! My husband and I have strongly felt the baby pull recently, but ultimately decided to wait at least another year. It’s totally logical – we’re paying off debt, just moved to a new state and have completely crazy work schedules, plus no solid family/friend support system close by, but our instincts keep telling us to have offspring NOW! Even more difficult was hearing that 3 of my 4 best friends are currently pregnant. I’m very happy for them, but can’t help feeling “why you and not us”. Like others have said, I try to focus on other goals and enjoyments. We’re almost out of debt! I can enjoy this amazing glass of wine (or two or three) with a wheel of brie! We have a day off, let’s sleep till 10! I also give in to the exceptionally obsessive moments. For example, the nursery bedding hidden in the closet, and the baby name book with a growing list in my bedside cabinet. Offbeat homies, I’m sure that secret is safe with you.

  5. I Know exactly how you feel…I had to wait to live with my husband until we were married, AND wait to have babies, and wait for everything it seemed. It is not easy, it certainly doesn’t make it easier when everyone around you is pregnant and all you can do is go out and buy pregnancy tests to take all week just to make yourself feel better. I can only say that the thing that got me through was NFP, natural family planning, I was so caught up in watching my ovulation, taking my temperature and keeping records of my period and how i felt etc that when it came time to actually be able to have a baby it was like time had flown! 🙂 it may not be that, but jump into something that is baby-ish and see where it takes you. 🙂 volunteer at a YMCA or the boys and girls club, spend time with kids that arent yours and let them teach you…and it will all fold out eventually

  6. If you have the right partner, and not having a baby is causing you more pain than having one would; then I would reconsider the decision to wait.

  7. My fella and are getting married on September 7th and we’ve talked about when to start a family. I’m 31, he’s 29… I have PCOS so I may have trouble conceiving. He works in a factory and I teach pre school. We are ready to be parents mentally (well, as much as one can be before having a child) but life wise… we lack money, we rent – not own a small double home. We couldn’t afford child care… and I’d love to have one of us (hopefully me) stay home if we have a child… but it wouldn’t be possible in the least right now. So yeah, I can relate.

  8. I have a friend that feels very similarly to you…however, she’s a few steps behind you in that she doesn’t have a partner and knows that she wants one before having a baby. When we hang out she frequently brings up babies, namely mine. And if alcohol is involved in the evening she tends to get very emotional about this desire for a baby. Our childless friends think she’s nuts. I, however, totally get it. I was her…2 years ago. I remember what that ache felt like. I remember wondering why I wanted something so badly that seemed totally premature in my life.

    My daughter came into our lives at the “wrong” time. But I’m glad because if I hadn’t gotten pregnant accidentally I think my resentment towards my husband (I was ready, he wasn’t) would have started to eat away at our relationship. In the end, I’m glad I didn’t sacrifice the happiness of now for the potential happiness of later. As others have said, now might not be the right time…but maybe it is. I hear people say all the time that they couldn’t have a baby right now and I don’t always agree.

    If you do decide to keep waiting please do this for me: SLEEP. Sleep in on weekends, take naps in the afternoon. When that little voice tells you that you should get up because you’re wasting the day away, IGNORE IT. Someday you will miss sleep like a lost lover.

    You’ll get there, mama. “Someday” isn’t very far at all.

  9. We are trying for baby #2 after a miscarriage in February. The baby fever is brutal for both of us. I think before we had our son, we had baby fever, but it was tempered by a heavy dose of fear. Now that we know what we’re getting into, it’s all desperate longing.

    Anyway, I find being around babies helps control the baby fever. It seems somewhat illogical, but maybe it’s because babies are so relaxing and fun to be around. It’s also a soothing reminder of what you’ll get to enjoy soon.

    There’s also the old standby of adopting some adorable little animal to cuddle and love. If I don’t get pregnant soon, I fear I will find a puppy in my house.

  10. Apologies if this was mentioned already, as I didn’t read 100% of the comments (and I’m chiming in super late) but just wanted to mention this in case it helps anyone else:

    Get a dog*. Preferably a puppy.

    Now, this is ONLY advisable if you actually want a dog, of course, and before it looks like I’m promoting irresponsible pet ownership, let me explain so anyone reading can decide whether this is right for them. 🙂

    At 27, I was also suffering from the baby crazies. My long-time partner and I were getting married, but living overseas in an environment not particularly advisable for childbearing. Having nothing to do with wanting a baby, we adopted a ~6 week old puffball that had been left in a dumpster and found by a local friend of ours. What does a 6 week old puppy entail? Trips outside every 30 minutes, waking up at least 3 times a night to (once again) go outside, crying through the night, feeding multiple times a day, constant supervision to make sure she’s not chewing on anything, and the list goes on. While it was totally not my intention, having this small, needy canine SIGNIFICANTLY dampened my desire to have a small, needy human clutching for me. I found myself SO RELIEVED when that little puffball grew into a self-sufficient little woman’s-best-friend (OK, actually she’s daddy’s girl) and stopped needing all of my time and attention – in just the course of a year!

    Of course no one should ever go looking for a 6 week old pup (it’s WAY too young to be away from canine mommy), but any age of pup under 1 year will give you an idea – just a hint – of what caring for a helpless human is like. It won’t make your hormones go away, but it certainly will knock them back a year or so until you start sleeping through the night, don’t have to go home in the middle of the day for pee breaks, don’t feel like your life is completely revolving around keeping something else alive, etc.

    *If you don’t think you’ll be able to commit to a dog long-term, you can also consider fostering a puppy or dog while it’s waiting to be rescued by a long-term owner. This is a great way to have to pour yourself into responsibility and sleepless nights, without the long-term implications!

  11. I get baby fever fairly regularly, but the fiancee and I are currently waiting until we’re married (a year and a half to go!) before we consider having kids. We both want them, and badly, but we have no income to support us and a child right now.

    I pour myself into my writing when these baby fits happen, or do role play online with friends. Meddling with the characters helps a lot for some reason… Hm.

  12. I have baby fever at the moment, and I already have a three year old who is about to be four, and I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend that I want to get pregnant, (He has a child from a previous relationship and my child is from a previous relationship) and it really sucks. I know he doesn’t want to have another child right now, we are living with my mother at the moment and moving in together at the end of April, which I thought would be perfect to start our family together, growing it at least, but he still said he does not want to have a baby. Having baby fever and hearing that actually hurts me. does anyone else feel like that ? sometimes I even cry when he says it, but I wont tell him.

  13. Im 15 and i have an overwhelming want to have a baby even though i know that i am NO WHERE near ready to have one i dont even know why i have this feeling i just do and i need help or advise on how to get rid of it until i am ready to have a baby. Can you help me?

  14. I have been dealing with a similar issue, I am 20 and my bf and I have been together for going on 3 years we live together. And since I could remember iv always wanted to be a mom and when I saw someone pregnant it made me so excited to think about that day . But now all I do is cry which I feel is so stupid because we have talked about our timeline and we are going to wait a year to get married and a year after that for a baby. And I know in my sane mind that is smart because we are young and we should enjoy the us time but my body makes me cry at the thought of not trying . And I don’t know what to do about it anymore he listens when I tell him all of this but that doesn’t help , all I can think of is to start planning but i don’t know if that’s a good idea… any suggestions …

  15. I have been dealing with a very similar situation. I haven’t been coping well, but my man has been incredible.

    I couldn’t force myself to go to my friends baby shower. He told me, even just stopping by, giving a hug and a gift, and leaving right after.. it would be enough to show her that I still care. He was right.

    He convinced me to spend a little more money on things I want to do. Travel, concerts, plays or shopping. Trying to enjoy what I have now, before I pack it all away for a baby.

    It doesn’t have to be money related. You could stay up all night doing whatever you like best.

    I still unfollow my Facebook friends. Everything on Facebook was so sweet and happy go lucky. I started even getting ads about pregnancy, baby’s and toddlers.

    It it a lot easier for me, having found ways to hide posts and opt out of categorized ads.

  16. I just wanted to say that this post has really helped me a lot. I am 19 and my first case of baby fever has just started and I just haven’t known what to do. It is the worst time to have a child, I am disabled due to mental illness and am just now starting to actually get better, my partner and I don’t have our own place and are currently living in the same room as a friend, and we are not anywhere near financially stable, especially given that I can’t actually work a full-time job and he has to pay child support for his current kids. I made a list of all the helpful things in this thread and plan on talking to my partner about them soon so we can work out a future baby plan. I think it’ll help both my baby fever and my disability to have healthy goals to work toward so that I can reach my ultimate goal of being a mom to his children and having one of my own. And I’ll keep taking good care of my Sim babies lol.

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