relationships

Why only you can heal you (and why that’s fucking awesome)

Here’s how anxious attachment works: you grow up confusing the sensation of chasing attention with the feeling of love.

We adapted so well to unpredictable attention that it’s what we crave. Relationships that don’t involve chasing can feel boring…

Does choosing an LGBTQ+ label mean you're THAT forever?

Does choosing an LGBTQ+ label mean you’re THAT forever?

Some people have asked me: if I identify with a term today does that mean you always have to identify that way? The answer to that question can be complicated and contentious. Here’s my take: HELL FREAKING NO!

My heartfelt advice: Don’t worry so much about labels. Labels are great, but, in some ways, they’re also for cans.

Move over "spinster": this old term for an unmarried woman is bad-ass and inspiring all kinds of new terms

Move over “spinster”: this old term for an unmarried woman is bad-ass

Back when I was buying a condo as an unmarried woman about a decade back, I was confronted with the term “spinster” in the legal documentation declaring that I *gasp* had no husband in the process of buying this home. Get your fainting couches ready. I think it would have been far less jarring had I been confronted with the term THORNBACK, though. What’s a thornback you ask? Come with me on this journey of fantastic singlehood, friends…

My wedding sucked so badly that I can't even look at the photos. How do I move on?

My wedding sucked so badly that I can’t even look at the photos. How do I move on?

Somewhere in my house, there is a CD. My spouse knows where it is, but I do not. Intentionally. This CD contains our wedding photos. I can’t bear to look at them. We’ve been married a year, now, and I still can’t look at them. You see, our wedding… Sucked. We got married, sure, but […]

Name change regret: I changed my last name and now I regret it. What should I do?

I changed my last name and now I regret it. What should I do?

When I got married, I didn’t want to keep my name because I grew up with an abusive father. My husband is deeply connected to his last name and didn’t want to change, so I took his name. Now I hate that I changed my name because I associate it with his parents, and they aren’t very good people, and I feel stuck. Any advice?

How do I balance social justice with my favorite shows and pop culture?

How do I address problematic issues within my favorite shows and pop culture?

One of my friends will find a way in which they feel a show is bigoted (e.g. “Steven Universe is racist”) and suddenly it’s the only thing they can talk about re: that show. They’ll interrupt any conversation about it with “but you shouldn’t like that, it’s bigoted.”

I understand the importance of keeping social justice topics in mind while consuming media, and obviously I can’t tell them to stop because this is important to them, but sometimes I just want to gush about my favorite lesbian aliens. Help?

Swinging: an insider's perspective (plus how it differs from polyamory!)

Swinging: an insider’s perspective (plus how it differs from polyamory!)

I’ve been seeing lots of awesome posts about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. I wanted to offer some thoughts on a variation that I haven’t seen talked much about yet: swinging.

Swinging or, “the lifestyle,” as we often refer to it with each other (sometimes indicated by a black ring on the right ring finger for those who like to advertise their proclivity), is one subculture among many with countless variations and expressions. Here is my personal perspective…

A reminder in difficult times: Love is an extraordinary and beautiful thing

A reminder in difficult times: Love is an extraordinary and beautiful thing

Each person expresses and feels love in many ways. We love people in our lives with different kinds of love — the love for a child, a parent, friends, and lovers. Each love is defined and felt in personal ways depending on who receives it. I have loved many people in many ways in my lifetime. Loving someone is a selfless endeavor. To love someone is to bare your soul. To trust that person with the deepest parts of you. Love is gentle and selfless and kind.

Here’s a reminder about love in these difficult times…