STFU: How can I deal with one family member who always ruins holiday parties? #Entertaining#Families#adult family dynamics#advice#boundaries#Christmas#communicating#family drama#holidays November 22 2013 | Offbeat Editors offbeatbride Offbeat Home & Life runs these advice questions as an opportunity for our readers to share personal experiences and anecdotes. Readers are responsible for doing their own research before following any advice given here... or anywhere else on the web, for that matter. Photo courtesy of Flickr Commons. I'm slated to host Christmas Eve at my home again, and last year it was fun… except for one uncle ruined it with snarky comments and flat-out negativity. He bitched about the food, the tackiness of the decorations, and the gifts people gave. At the time, I was more concerned about hosting duties and making sure my family was having a good time, so I just tried to roll with it. Nobody in the family had the guts to say anything, except to talk about it after he left. This year though… fuck that, I don't want any of that shit in my house. How do I keep his horrible attitude in line in my own home? My initial response to myself is "just tell him to shut the fuck up" but I know that would cause more trouble than what that's worth. -Melissa Ooh, you know we love doing cut 'n' paste conflict resolution! Obviously, no one phrase is going to work for every family situation or communication style, but we've wrastled up a few ideas for things you could quietly but firmly say in response to your uncle' negative comments: I really don't appreciate your tone of voice. Please respect that a lot of work/effort/thought went into _______. Sounds like you're unhappy about ______, and while I sympathize, the rest of us are trying to enjoy our evening. We decided to ______, and I hope you can respect our wishes even if you disagree. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm trying to enjoy myself tonight and your negative comments are really interfering. I love you, but your negativity this evening is making it difficult to enjoy your company. Please be quiet. It sounds like you have some strong opinions about _____. Perhaps next year you should host. This year, however, we're hosting, and if you're unable to enjoy your time here, you should consider leaving. Ok, Homies. Your turn! How do you firmly but respectfully deal with family members who ruin holiday parties? Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo PREVIOUS What happens when your personal photos go viral and you get attacked online? NEXT Gifts for musicians and music geeks of all levels Show/Hide comments [ 101 ] Is there a trusted relative or friend who can be your wingman? If he/she can hang out with your uncle and talk to him and keep him occupied, he'll be too busy to complain. Most people just want an audience, so even an audience of one is sufficient. "Please, Cousin Jane, if you can keep an eye on your dad and prevent him from complaining about everything, I'd be ever so grateful/buy you a bottle of your favorite wine/take you to dinner next week." I've played this role at a wedding to keep the bride's parents from throwing shade on everything, and she was so appreciative. I do something similar for my dad at family parties–he doesn't start shit like your uncle does, but he has a better time when he can quietly grouse to me about whatever. Good luck! Reply This article comes at a prefect time! I just found out that my sister-in-law will be going to our Thanksgiving get together. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with someone that always tries to "one up" everything I say? I try to be nice, I try to ignore it, but sometimes it's really hurtful. Last time I saw her, she was bragging that it's harder for her to put on weight than it is for my very thin special needs son. His weight has been a struggle for years, she knows this, and she made it sound so trite. For a long time, I thought it was just me being over sensitive, but EVERYONE else in the family is noticing it to. I don't know how to say something to her without me lashing out at her. Reply One-up-manship usually comes from a place of insecurity and unhappiness. It might be a bit easier to deal with if you can see her with empathy (it's hard, I know!) instead of anger. Even when she hits your sore spots, don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own unhappiness. If ignoring her and changing the topic isn't an option, try validating her. Even a, "Sure, I can see it that way," to her opinion/comparison/whatever (even if you're lying) helps you short-circuit her and move on. If you try to fight back against her claims, you're only giving her more attention and more opportunities to make her points… which is probably exactly what she wants. Kill her with kindness, and don't let yourself be baited into debates that will only leave you feeling worse. Reply I like over-sympathizing to this kind of thing, although it works better with strangers than with people you see frequently. So for instance in the situation you mentioned, over-sympathizing might look like, "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you're going through that too! What kind of diet has your doctor recommended? Have you tried X food/drug/something you know she will never in a million years have actually been told to do? Here, let me take away that glass of wine and get you some Ensure." It basically confuses people enough to keep them quiet, while making them look like an idiot in front of everyone else, and if you're a good enough actor you come out of it looking completely blameless. Reply I use this tactic. You need to be pretty secure to tread into these waters, though. Works like a charm! Reply As a mom of a 4-year old with ongoing eating disorder, need for supplemental high-calorie formula, and former failure to thrive (only because I set an alarm and did round the clock feeding with cancer patient supplements for 2+ years while she slept), I would totally do the over-sympathy as well. I have given up on trying to educate folks like this and go for the jugular. "Who is your specialist? What is the supplements you are using? Have you tried duocal/benecal to add calories even though they are not nutritionally complete? What about your GI–they are totally horrible if they can't help you gain weight. You need the full endoscopy, colonoscopy, and GI workup, just like my daughter did to assess her failure to thrive AT TWELVE MONTHS OLD YOU IGNORANT BLEEPITY-BLEEP." Well, you may want to keep that last bit to yourself. There seems to be a fundamental inability of some folks to understand the "hidden" special needs. As in, those kids or folks with special needs that aren't visible. Sometimes they truly are ignorant, other times, they want the attention themselves. Regardless, I take it serious and go the opposite extreme–"Here, let me help you find some specialists. Do you want to borrow some of her nutritional supplement to try? X is better than Y." etc. They either are validated and back off, or realize that they have been called out on their exaggerations and usually back off fast. Reply That's just brilliant. I know at this point I'm talking to ghosts, but I just had to say how genius I think this idea is. Reply Sounds like we have the same sister-in-law and (and same special needs kids!). I do a happy puppy act and pretend like I have no idea she is jabbing me. I also make a point of saying "um-hum" to everything she says and never encourage the conversation. By the end of the night she is so wound up and frustrated looking for a fight that I just thank her for such a wonderful evening and leave, always taking the high ground. By giving into it, taking the bait and fighting, I am saying that I value her opinion. I also know that her misery is all her own and I refuse to share in it. If you are concerned about your children maybe taking what she is saying to heart, then say her name, followed by "that (comment) is not appropriate and this topic is non of your concern, thank you." Some times you need to be direct. Reply I used to be a one-upper. But I didn't realize it till someone told me that they felt frustrated and hurt that I didn't just empathize with them when they would tell me something. Instead it felt like I was belittling their anger/hurt/disappointment/happiness/achievement because I so often launched into a story of my own instead of recognizing and validating their part of the conversation. I swear, I thought I was being empathetic by sharing a story that was similar to their's so they could see how I really could understand their situation. I'm so SO SOOOOO glad someone pointed it out to me with love. Nobody wants to be the asshole everyone is afraid to hang out with. It's hard but I would find a way to lovingly express your true feelings if you think there's any way you can without turning it into a huge fight. Reply I love the suggestion that advice-giver extraordinaire Carolyn Hax has given on this issue. You can just say, "You win." Or better, "Wow, you win! Your weight problems are worse than the problems of my special needs son. Congrats!" Does it still count as lashing out if you say it with glee? 🙂 Reply The last bullet point was going to be my suggestion. The nice version of "If you don't like it, then it sounds like you're volunteering for next year! Congratulations, we're all going to Uncle Grumpypants for Christmas Eve!" I'm, um, blunt, to say the least. I would just, at some point in public, come out with, "you know, if you really think that you can do all of this better, I think we'd all appreciate it if you hosted next year to prove your skills. It seems you're quite the expert." But, then again, I'm not the nicest person to people who're being passive-aggressive jackwagons, so I'm not exactly a golden rule on that. Reply I think you've solved it: they should just call him Uncle Grumpypants every time he complains. Sorry you don't like the food, Uncle Grumpypants. I wish I had gotten you a better present, Uncle Grumpypants. Uncle Grumpypants, can you pass the peas? It'll catch on wonderfully. Reply I love this one: "I love you, but your negativity this evening is making it difficult to enjoy your company. Please be quiet." My grandfather on my mothers side is a real piece of work, and though I'm not hosting I'll be seeing him, and I am glad to have this line in my back pocket. Reply I really like all the suggestions, though I have to say that the last one is my favorite. Any variation of "if you think you can do better, by all means step up" will probably shut him right down. Since, you know, if he was such a great mega host he'd probably already be hosting. Or, maybe Uncle Jerkface secretly really really WANTS to host Christmas, and he'll jump at the chance to show his chops next year? Reply If he were such a fabulous host, he would probably have the good grace to keep his mouth shut. Or at least phrase his criticism constructively, or offer to help out in small ways. Reply The copy and paste suggestions sound great, and I think they would work well for this situation. However, there is one I would recommend against using: "I really don't appreciate your tone of voice. Please respect that a lot of work/effort/thought went into _______. " Perhaps it is just one of my personal issues, but I really dislike any comment about someone's behavior that starts with "I don't like your tone." I know that in this case the phrase was suggested for use on a male, but it is often used as a way to shut down women's arguments by essentially accusing them of being overly emotional and angry for no good reason. I think that telling anyone that they have to express themselves in a certain way in order for their thoughts to be heard is problematic. (Yes, I know in this case we're talking about an annoying complaining person, but perhaps use all the other suggestions for conflict resolution instead of this one.) Here's a good article that explains the problem with the tone argument: http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Tone_argument Reply I'm familiar with the problems with tone arguments, and while I think it's a critically important concept in social justice contexts, I'm not sure it's as relevant when you're talking about a crabby family member grumping about holiday decorations. Reply This whole tone-argument thing has only recently come to my attention, but I think if you're talking about someone taking a rude tone, at an inappropriate time, it's fine to call him or her on it. For example, as a former sandwich artist, there are a number of tones in which you can pronounce the question "Can I have some more olives?" (and it's *always* the olives) and most of them are genuinely unpleasant and unnecissary. Reply Calling someone on unnecessary rudeness is one thing, and often necessary. (Believe me, I work as a cashier, and I know the sort of rude tone you mean.) However, telling someone that they are too upset or angry about something and should calm down can be problematic. If someone is really upset, a sympathetic word will go much further than telling them to stop being upset because you don't like their tone. Reply Former sandwich artists unite! I really thought it was just in my area that it was always the olives. I swear, some people want half a can on a 6-inch sandwich! Back on topic, I've been familiar with the tone argument for a while. There is a HUGE difference between telling a marginalized group/person to watch their tone as a way of shutting them down and calling out someone who's being downright rude. Reply Actually, I kind of think it is still relevant in this context. Given that I've felt very belittled by family members who didn't like my tone, I don't think it is only relevant in the larger social justice context. Perhaps it is just my own quirks, but I often find myself infuriated by people refusing to listen to me because they are hung up on how I am saying something. I do my best to work on this, but there is only so much I can do. Don't get me wrong, I think this family member sounds annoying and should be dealt with. Just perhaps use one of the other suggestions for dealing with him. Reply I'm more for trying to keep it light. I would say something like, "Whoa negative nelly! We're having a party, get your knickers out of your butt and have fun!" If he continued, I'd probably make it point to make him uncomfortable about his comments. Grumpy Uncle: This decor is tacky!! Me: Christmas can be over the top. Don't you just love it?! GU: This food is dog slop! Me: Um…I got the recipe from grandma. She said it was your favorite. GU: Who gives toe socks as a gift?? Me: Sometimes each toe needs a little extra love. I think addressing the comments but still keeping it light will allow you and your guests/family to enjoy the party. He may just get frustrated enough he shuts up. Reply "Sometimes each toe needs a little extra love." Serioulsy best reply ever to giving socks for the holidays! i love it 🙂 Reply I love toe socks and they're the only socks I wear! (More comfortable due to a toe injury when I was 12.) I frequently ask for toe socks for Christmas! If uncle Grumpypants doesn't want toe socks, send them to meeee 🙂 Reply So a bit of a confession… I have two toes that are stuck together. I can't wear toe socks. I've always been so jealous of the 99.9% of the population that gets to wear them. I've been given them once as a gift and I was so sad because they were so cool and there was nothing I could do to wear them. Reply Sure you can! Slit those two toe sections down the side and sew them together! I may have a new project! My middle toes are partially webbed, so I can't wear toe socks either. I'm with you on the jealousy! Have you tried Japanese tabi socks? They're meant to be work with sandals and are like mittens for feet! Also, Cassie, have you tried out a few brands of toe socks? I have found that some of my socks have very short toes on them that make my toes look webbed. They might work for you. If the socks had labels, I could advise you but try to look on Amazon and look for reviews "complaining" that the toes are too short. One person's bug is another person's feature. I love these light-hearted responses! My old standby is the cliched "Would you like some cheese with your whine?" But it gets confusing if you are holding a cheese platter. Reply I've used this method of keeping it light and it totally works- the person just ends up shutting up because they realize they can't get to you! My favorite one is "Ooooohhh you're cranky. I better leave you alone…" said with a big smile and a wink, and I turn and walk away and happily talk to someone else. It's kind of rude but… the person's comments are usually pretty rude. Reply The best advice I can give is DONT TAKE THE BAIT! Like this poster suggests, answer every negative commenty with an impossibly upbeat response. Make lemonade out of lemons at EVERY oppertunity. GU: The stuff in these christmas crackers is crap Me: Don't you love tacky plastic toys and silly paper hats? They make me smile. GU: The turkey is dry! Me: But wont it make great leftovers when covered in cranberry-mayo? The thing that pisses off a negative person most is not being able to take you down with them. If you give a positive response to every negative or snarky comment, eventually they will get bored and complain to someone else. Negative people feed off of making other people feel shity, but YOU have the power to decide how you are going to feel. Don't ever let someone take away your power just because you or your spouse happens to be related to them. Reply Cranberry-Mayo is a thing? That sounds amazing! Reply Seriously, mix your leftover cranberry sauce with mayo or miracle whip and smother on turkey sandwiches. You will be glad you did 🙂 Reply Bonus points: also add avocado. And dressing… "GU: Who gives toe socks as a gift??" In a sing-song voice- "Oh! I know who's getting a Starbuck's gift card next year then!" Reply Honestly, an exaserbated "Is there anything you DO like" has gotten me good results from friends who were doing this. A lot of times people just think they are being witty/making conversation and don't realize just *how* negative they are being. Pointing out that they haventsaid anything positive will often make them at least be more well rounded in their commentary. Chances are, they are plenty of things you uncle liked and enjoyed, but to him those things arent worth mentioning because theyre fine and dont need improving. He probably doesnt realize that you have no idea he appreciates them. Reply That's exactly what we've had to say to our habitually grumpy neighbor who always joins us for Christmas Eve when being nice fails! Alternately (and this may be because I am a teacher), I sometimes try "I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there something you ARE enjoying?" to hopefully force out something positive. At the very least, she looks like a flaming butthead if she doesn't come up with something nice to say, and that's cathartic! Good luck! It's really tough to keep a happy spirit with someone dragging you down, so I hope something works out this year. Reply "Now Uncle, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!" – while channelling Julie Andrews. If he's acting like a child, deal with him like a child – nothing shouty or mean, just tell him off with a big smile. Reply Ahh that is SO my grandma's weapon of choice. When she disapproves of something, she'll either mutter "well, if you can't say anything nice…", or she'll just sigh and force you to notice her lack of saying anything at all. And she disapproves of a LOT of things. Reply Unless he's the family jerk or you think it was a one-time sour mood, try sending an email before the party ever happens to intervene. Once you've confirmed that he definitely plans on coming (maybe he's just going to opt out this year if last year was sooooo awful,) just send a note along the lines of "As you know, I'm hosting it again this year, so I was wondering if you have any ideas to make it more enjoyable for everyone." This might give him the opportunity to unload his bad feelings ahead of time, or he might actually have something concrete to offer. Either way, follow up with a no-dramaz email that's like "Thanks so much for your input. I promise I'll try to find a way to make this party as great as I possibly can." And then just do exactly what you were going to do anyway, unless any of his ramblings suit your fancy. If you're worried that the email will cause drama, just send it to everyone as a BCC and start it with a "Hey everyone!" Reply That person in my family is my mother-in-law. With her, it's all about *who* tells her to knock it off, rather than what is said. If my husband or her other kids said any of the above to her, even quietly, it would be full blown dramatic meltdown. BUT if I or one of her other daughter-in-laws say something to her, she will pretend like she never said anything and be super fake suck-upy the rest of the event, and will save her bitching until she gets home. (To be fair, I think my sister-in-laws and I come off a little more polite in general than our dudes) It's not a perfect solution, and I hate that it has to be that way, but seeing as it's never good enough for her anyway we kind of just have to work with what we've got. Reply We had the opposite problem with my grandmother. If a Man told her to knock it off, she'd obey and grudgingly stop talking. If a girl told her to knock it off, she was being rude, that was really hurtful, or whatever, she'd double down on the bitch-i-tude until she got someone upset enough to leave the room, cry, or start yelling. So sometimes it can backfire on you, but it's worth a shot. Reply I'm a big fan of "I feel statements." I feel _____ when _____ because of _____. For example: I feel sad when my guests are unhappy because I put a lot of work into this dinner. Or I feel happy when I look at these tacky decorations because they remind me of my childhood and the magic of Christmas. Or I feel angry when the gifts I give aren't appreciated because money is tight. Hopefully that covers your examples from above. The most important thing is that *your* feelings aren't *someone else's* fault. This isn't about blaming – it's only a statement of fact. It's almost like you are asking them to help *you* by changing *their* behavior. I have found that men especially respond well to this because it isn't emotional in their minds. You can choose whatever emotions and descriptions fit your needs but the formula goes like this: I feel ________ when ________ because of ________. Reply Hooray for non-violent communication! Love. Reply Any tips on what to do when you are the Resident Family Grumpypants? "Keep your mouth shut" is a lot easier said than done. I want to enjoy family holidays, but it's hard when it seems like everyone is being stupid and annoying. Reply Great question! I'd vote for breathing exercises focusing on gratitude/patience OR just make plans to go elsewhere for the holidays. Reply I have sympathy with you. My mom used to host x-mass for 20 to 30 extended family members every year and she'd turn into a martinet with me and my sister as her minions. There was so much stress in the house the 2 weeks leading up to the big night that I would get very sick every year. Managed to get pneumonia twice! Christmas is sooooo much fun when you're wacked out on antihistamines and sitting in a corner like a lump, hating everything and just wishing it would go away. When my sister and I went to Uni, she stopped hosting, and within a year or two, my seasonal illness stopped manifesting. Still not my favorite time of the year though! My advice is to bring wine. Lots of wine. No, more than that. I'm talking a couple of Franzia boxes. And you need an ugly x-mass "sweater" shirt that says, "This is why Mommy drinks". I like the Grinch shirt idea too. Reply Cassie, My first response (without any context) would be to ask the host if you can pitch in. Maybe if you're a part of how things come together, or are busy during the party you'll enjoy it more. My second response (again without context) would be to just pass. Go volunteer at a children home, or a homeless shelter instead. I know that helping others always puts my life in perspective and helps me enjoy annoying things more. But those might not fit for you….Can you give us some examples of " everyone is being stupid and annoying." Reply Wear a Grinch costume or at least a shirt and play the role. That way you can vent, but you'll be in character. 🙂 Reply LOL this is an awesome idea. I should totally do that! "Who took the turkey?" "A Who didn't take the turkey. I did! MAX!" Reply I've had a few holidays where "every one is being stupid and annoying." Usually for me it's smack dab in the middle of the family holiday vacation and I've got a serious case of "bah humbug". In my situation it's usually the result of two things: 1) I'm an introvert. I love my family and friends but my battery has been thoroughly drained. 2) I'm overstimulated. The music, the lights, the caffeine/ sugar buzz, the constant small talk, etc. The solution for both of these for me is to get away for just a bit. If its family vacation then I "remember" I've forgotten a toothbrush or to get a present. (With some family members I can be more forthright, usually the ones who need to escape to a quiet corner as well.) If its at a party then I just " need to step outside for some air." By the time I've returned to the gathering everyone is a lot less stupid and annoying. Reply Maybe grumpy uncle is one of these types….. Perhaps his social tolerance levels are quite low. I'd talk to him before …. tell him you noticed he wasn't particularly happy last year and what can you do to make him more at ease this year. Perhaps this will give him a chance to get some insight for himself as well. Or maybe he's just a negative nelly who wants to whinge and whine because it's just so much easier (for him) – in which case, call him on it…. in a funny way as stated by one of the other posters. Reply This might get some negative press, but honestly I feel a bit better if I self-medicate in these situations… a little wine makes me happier, it is true. Knowing what works for you is the key here. Whatever your happy drug is, it might be a good time to utilize it so you don't come off as a grouch. Reply Hah, I was going to suggest smoke breaks. Even if you aren't usually a smoker. The act of smoking creates a de facto breathing exercise, nicotine is calming AND it's an excuse to step outside and away from everyone. Reply I get really grumpy at inlaw family holidays too. I find that the buddy system works. My brother-in-law and I are both introverts, so we keep an eye on one another. When he needs a break, I dive into whatever he's doing to give him a chance to escape. When he sees that I'm getting grumpy, he takes a bullet so that I can walk away. Reply This is brilliant. Every introvert needs a holiday buddy. Reply Limit the time you're there. If you're coming from out of town and staying with family, make plans to go do something (see a movie, meet an old friend, anything) so that you have an opportunity to get out and take a break. If it's a dinner or party, arrive late and leave early. Stupid and annoying is a lot easier to tolerate with your mouth shut when you know you'll be out soon. Reply My dude and I set up our holidays so that we have a massive family-visiting binge. We make a big round trip of the area, are as vague as possible about arrival/departure times (so that we can leave if one of us gets overwhelmed with family members being jerks or stay if we're getting along well), then beg off and go home to cuddle or have a beer with friends. While at parties, I tend to shift around a lot. Can't get pissed off if you're not there when the conversations get stupid. Reply Well, is there one particular part of the holidays that you DO unabashedly enjoy? Making cookies, Xmas music, local lights displays? Find your "holiday bliss" and use it as a kind of focal point. Aunt Gertrude's party getting too lame? Ask if anyone had a favorite recipe! MIL getting all up in your business? Tell her about that amazing tree and lights set-up they have one town over! Reply I have a similar question to the one in this post if any Homies have some tips. This year, my family is doing the holidays without our dad for the first time since losing him at the end of last year. While it's already going to be emotionally difficult, just like this entire year has been, my brothers and I have the added stress of taking care of our alcohol/drug addicted mother, whose mood swings were volatile before and have just been getting worse since our dad passed away. I'd just all of us to get through the holidays without having nervous breakdowns, and I can barely get through a non-holiday visit (or even a phone call) with her without her saying or doing something insane that pushes all of us over the edge. So I guess the short version of my question is this: Does anyone have any tips for making the holidays spent with addict go smoothly? Reply Ooh, I'd suggest using Al-Anon as a resource on this one. They've got lots of great guidance. You might even want to look up Al-Anon meetings in your area — I'm sure you'll be in good company during the holidays: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings Reply Al-anon has helped me immensely and I am seconding Ariel's suggestion. I know this is probably a little vague but when you're dealing with active addiction it's important to take care of yourself. it's okay to set boundaries and stick to them – you're not being a mean or bad person. I'm sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. Reply I'm sorry you've lost your dad, and that you're left feeling like a caretaker to your mother. I'd also encourage you to visit the Al-anon resources from above. I have personal experience with some local groups that were able to help me put some of my family's issues in perspective. There are some written resources available through them that might help your brothers too, as well as some for the younger members of your family if/when the kids start wondering why grandma's acting differently. What has helped me personally in dealing with the addict in my family: entertain him/her; appeasement delayed WWII for a number of years (even though it didn't really help the underlying problem) and gave some portions of Europe time to prepare for the fight. If Mom hates "The Christmas Story" movie and everybody else wants to watch it, just put on "It's a Wonderful Life". If Mom doesn't want asparagus for Christmas dinner, it's green bean casserole again for the 4th year in a row. For the little bit of time you all have to be around her, let her think she's the queen of the universe. I joke frequently about "don't poke the crazy person" but that's stopped a number of meltdowns, freak outs, hissy fits, and shouting matches. The trick is getting everyone *else* on the same page in mollycoddling the addict until she either goes so far she's not safe to be around or everyone suddenly has "other plans" because none of you want to keep up the charade. Ultimately, we agree that it's better to be miserable for a few hours than deal with the fallout of expecting an addict to participate in a truly "fair" situation. (In case you can't tell, one of my roles in our Alcoholic Family was enabler-in-training.) Reply If she goes to meetings, you could offer to attend a meeting with her around the holiday. I once went to an NA (Narcotics Anon.) meeting with a friend during the Christmas week. He was new to his sobriety, and had vowed to go to a meeting every day for 60 days. But during that week of Christmas it was kinda depressing for him – everyone else is prepping for the holidays etc. and he was just trying to hang onto not smoking crack for one more day at a time. So we went together. I just sat there with him and listened during the meeting, but he appreciated the company, and we had coffee afterwards and it was, weirdly, sort of a nice little Christmas outing. Reply Honestly, I'd have been inclined to tell him to just go home, since he obviously wasn't enjoying himself at the party. That might not work here — my extended family has just enough contempt for one another that we're not afraid to kick each other out of the house. Try sitting down with him sometime before the Christmas party and ask him if he even feels comfortable being there this year. I don't know your uncle, but maybe he lashes out because the holidays are stressful and lonely. Or maybe he's just a drama king Scrooge who wants a big family fight. Either way, doing it early enough to give him an out — or a reminder that you won't have that nonsense in your house and that you won't have Christmas ruined for [insert relative here] — could potentially minimize any drama. Or you could drink. *He's* the one who has to eventually leave, not you. Reply Maybe this is not possible, but if everyone in the family is being bothered by his behavior, can you all lay down the law ahead of time and say that if he's not polite, he's not invited? Reply I have a bunch of siblings, so my husband sent me this link in preparation for Thanksgiving:) Siblings Gather Around PowerPoint To Hash Out Off-Limits Topics For Thanksgiving http://www.theonion.com/articles/siblings-gather-around-powerpoint-to-hash-out-offl,34628/ Reply Ah, I have that person. Except instead of Mr. Grumpypants-About-Holiday-Celebration, he's Mr. Rant-Against-The Government / Society / Gays / Immigrants / Etc. It's painful and really makes me want to punch him. But since we're all fairly quiet and introverted but he's the loudest he seems to get his soapbox every time and since we're all quiet I don't know which of my family members actually agrees with him versus those that are just like me and think he's a jerk but don't know how to speak up. I'm fine with people expressing their opinions (even if I disagree with them), but I'm not okay with expressing them in such a way as to shut down others and not be open to hearing other perspectives or just being nasty. Sigh. Reply We have a similar situation with my uber-conservative/religious sister in law. Generally we don't mind her opinions, though they differ from our own, but sometimes they get big and loud and preachy. As a result, our response has generally been to remove her audience, we all just sort of nod and walk away to do fun family stuff in the next room until she's ranting at no one. None of us has to say anything to her (good for the introverts) we just remove ourselves. It usually quiets her down. As a result she has elected to come to less family gatherings (Which, I wish wasn't the case, but it was her choice in the end.) Reply I like the idea of saying 'would you like to host the party next year?' or even sending out a newsletter/email asking potential invitees (including your unpleasant uncle) if there is any particular thing they would like to contribute, even if the event is being held at your home. If you have a relative or friend who really likes to decorate, let them be in charge of that. Or if someone loves cooking or has a special dish they like, let them do some of that work. Maybe your uncle would be less of a dink if he was contributing something, or at the very least if he complained after you offered him a chance to contribute something he liked and he didn't take you up on it, you would have confirmation that he's just unpleasant and maybe don't invite him next year. Life is too short to bend over backwards for people who don't appreciate your efforts! Reply How much back-up can you expect from everyone else? I suggest you all stuff a handful of peanuts in your pockets. Whenever he says something stupid, everyone throws a peanut at his head and then continues on like he never said anything. Reply ahhhahahahhaha! Reply This is possibly the funniest suggestion so far. If I may, I 'd to combine your idea with the one about self-medicating to produce: a drinking game! Every time Uncle Scumbum crabs about the food, DRINK. Every time he make a snarky remark about a gift, DRINK. If that gift is his, CHUG. And so forth. Or if you're not a big drinker, just make a bingo card about his bitchery (using, of course, the letters U-N-C-L-E instead of BINGO). Don't refer to or explain it at all, but do check off the squares in front of everyone. How great will it be when he says, "We're out of sweet potatoes already? Why didn't you make more?" and you leap to your feet and shout "BINGO! HA!" Reply Thanksgiving happens at my parents house, Christmas at my mother-in-laws house. My mother is strongly political, and we live in an area where the majority of people vehemently disagree with her politics. The result is that she finds it necessary to unload all of her pent up political arguments (can't exactly get into a screaming match with a coworker) on us "we care about specific issues to a specific point and don't understand why you're so angry" children. The "children" involve myself, my younger brother, my husband, a "youngest brother" that my folks took in about 10 years ago and has grown into a great man, and the "youngest brother's" girlfriend. We game plan prior. "Alright – if mom goes into a political rant where she starts getting angry, Shelly needs to excuse herself to the bathroom, leave for about two minutes, then wait for a pause, then ask dad how Texas Tech football is doing this year." When in doubt, divert attention to the baby. Bring out a board game. This works for Thanksgiving. My in-laws are always invited to Thanksgiving, but always end up going out of town (my step-father-in-law tries to do a ThanksHannuka week with his sons). My brother typically joins us for the Christmas party, my parents are not comfortable with a "high-key" Christmas. While I think my mother-in-law is great, she is EXTREMELY competitive with board games, which typically come out during the party. So we (a-hem) game plan. Around Thanksgiving, we find a new game that's up the alley of the ones my mother-in-law loves. Me, hubs, bro, youngest bro – we learn it. Brother-in-law and his wonderful girlfriend? Get in a couple days before Christmas. They learn it. We take it to the party, "Hey, here's a new game!" She typically will kick our butts, but she's less gloaty if she thinks we picked it up faster. Fewer hurt feelings. Which has been a big issue with both sons and their significant others. Point is, know your teammates. Pre-game – not with booze (though that sometimes helps) but with those who have your back. If the behavior is predictable, then this is easy. If it's not – talk with the teammates. Let them know how you feel and ask them to handle it. As host, you are basically quarterback – let them cover you. Reply I'm with the others, make sure you have backup and someone you know is gonna be on your side when you say something, maybe discuss it before hand so you know exactly what to say and what your backup will say (yeah Uncle G, hostess is right, lighten up, it's Christmas). Personally I would just tell him to STFU or GTFO but that wouldn't be a first for me and it doesn't help you. Reply How do you deal when the comments aren't grumpy, but super sexist/mysogenistic? Its not my family and I'm not the host so I've been keeping my mouth shut, but some of the comments are just jaw droppingly bad and I'm having a hard time keeping my dissaproval to myself. Reply Playing dumb and asking the person to explain themselves? Repeating "What do you mean?" and "I don't understand, why [thing you just said]?" Sometimes trying to explain themselves will help a person understand that they just said a horrible thing. "Please don't say things like that around me" is a possibility if you feel like being a little more direct. It keeps the focus off whether what they said is "good" or "bad" which they could argue about ad nauseum, and keeps the focus on you just plain not wanting to hear it. Reply Oh man, my best friend is so superb at this. She digs and digs and digs ("What do you mean?…Wait, wait a minute, explain that again??…") until they feel totally heard and then she untangles the explanation with a serious dose of biting logic. A real life example: "So you're saying that men should not love other men because it is not natural, right?" (receives confirmation) "We should only do what is natural, yes?" (affirmed) "But you shit in a toilet, don't you?" (Stunned, confused, and confirms "Well, yeah…") "That's not natural. How about your phone? We've got air conditioning and cars, you're okay with that.(endless examples) So it's not really about being NATURAL, is it?" She goes on a serious rant and usually actually gets them to admit their argument is wrong (!) and that they are basically just uncomfortable by homosexuality/women/whatever. It's really a sight to behold. Then she closes it, "So you're uncomfortable with homosexuality. That's fine. No, really, that's fine. Just don't make illogical rationalizations for it. And can't say hateful things around me or my children, ever." This is usually an argument with conservative men, and they usually actually agree and smile by the end of it, because they have been beaten with logic and firm boundaries, things they respect more than emotional appeals about human rights. (I could never pull it off, but I don't envy the amount of practice she has had to perfect this technique, growing up where she did.) Reply "Lawyered" Reply Knowing some of the other verses of Leviticus – Like a man must have a beard, no mixing of fibers in clothing, or no woman should be a teacher (if the antagonist is female) can help shut down the religious anti-LGT crap as well. Ask them how they know which parts of the Bible they think it's ok to ignore. I hear a lot of this claptrap in my "conservative" area, especially from my ultra-republican father. It's tough being a "liberal" baby! Reply I'd probably say.. "Oh hello little boy, are you talking to me or chewing on a brick? Cause either way your gonna lose your teeth" That's if the guest just wasn't feeling the love of course 😉 Reply Things I've learned here thus far: 1. Cranberry-mayo IS a thing (possibly THE thing I have been missing in my life). 2. I shall now call my husband Mr. Grumpypants when he is complaining about things. 3. I am also a means-well one upper (and now that I know I swear I will try to be good). 4. Toe socks can be very personal (and I will be redoing a pair for a friend, she'll be in love with the double toe!) 5. Kill 'em with kindness (and if that doesn't work probe!) 6. You all make me happy! Thanks for your great input an life! This whole section made my day so much better (and helped my heart grow 3 sizes!!) Reply A million points for perfectly summing up the comments on this post!!! I actually had forgotten (already!?) how great this conversation was. Reply I seriously think I love each of you. This is the funniest blog and the funniest comments, for that matter. I was pissed at my negative butthole ruins-everything husband but I'm laughing it up with a glass of wine now. Thank you!! Reply We all agreed: Reply Negative Butthole. Band name. Called it. Reply I don't know how to start a thread, so I will just put this out there any maybe someone who does will oblige or tell me how. I am beginning to have issue with the my daughter/ couples who "split" their time among the two families of origin by splitting Christmas Day, right down the middle. They say this is only fair. While extremely happy to see them especially the one who drives so far with the grandson, to visit, I don't think they are aware of the complications this also presents for other "in town" family or the hostesses, both me and the son in laws mother. I swore I wouldn't be a complaining, never happy MIL, nor do I want to guilt trip anyone. However, as the "half day hostess" I find such an arrangement really puts the whole day on a fast track time frame. Our family really just slacked off and pigged out on Christmas Day since they were small. This was the ONLY day I can relax a bit late in the day and is my FAVORITE as I kinda get to be off duty, FINALLY. I work my rear off all day every day leading up till Christmas Morning. It becomes a full time job. I am NOT young, and frankly it is beginning to be a tremendous amount of work, it always was, to do all the shopping, decorating, grocery shopping, meal prep. etc. While I used to really enjoy this, even when it was stressful and hard work, more and more I am beginning to think it simply isn't worthwhile only to have the day totally interupted as they rush though the morning in order to pack up and go to the OTHER mother. It puts a downer on the day, as my other daughters are sad to see them go, and try and I might NOT to be a blubber sob mess, I am so sad by their departure (visits are always too short) that it not only makes a happy day sad, my other daughters kinda resent the "attention" of the day is totally stopped for the "goodbyes". The meal and everything we "do" has to be altered to accomadate this and worse, after such a downer the rest of the day is anticlimatic, and well just sad and deflated. I have tried to adjust everything I do to "go along, with this" and on alternating years, we end up holding off everything until they get there so it is no better being the late day "mom" than it is being the early day "mom". I feel like a person split in half. This daughter lives out of town, so it is really great she and her husband take the effort and WANT to come, but I hate what this does to Christmas Day. Yes, half is better than nothing, but there has to be a better way. Nothing I can do about it, and after this year maybe not an issue, as I doubt they will come as the stress is huge on them too, and now they have a child….they (rightly so) look forward to spending Christmas at home. But, realizing there are many such "half day" families I would like to hear your take on this "splitting" from the hostess/mom perspective. Reply Sounds like an easy fix to me: Holidays are alternated between the two houses. You get Christmas one year, they get it next year. Whoever doesn't get it gets whatever other major gathering happens around the holidays: birthday, Thanksgiving, whatever. Reply I totally agree, that way NO one has to be "split" and ruin the actual day. But, they won't do it this way, in part, because HIS mom won't and pouts, so I get this "mess"and so far it hasn't really worked well once. I cut back, speed through, and frankly somewhat resent this "arrangement". It is just too much effort gone to the "dogs" lately. PLUS, and this is NO ones fault but my own, I can't get it "right" no matter what so that THEY don't feel guilty and stressed too. I forsee my other daughters, also putting me in a rock and a hard place here (not to sound too selfish, as it stresses everyone, and one daughter is so tired of the sads and the attention diverted she threatened not to come and is jealous and says they feel second string to this daughter. It has made the whole holiday stressful, which is very sad, as if it were just me, I am sure I would STILL resent it but be better able to just enjoy the time we have by scaling down a lot. I put this out there so that when making a decision couples might try and see it from the "other side". What I am afraid of is that EVERYONE will just find alternatives and I will be ALONE at Christmas. My father passed in October, my soon to be ex had major surgery right before the holidays and recovered at my home as he has NO relatives to help him. I didn't NOT handle this well this year and one daughter (not the one splitting) rushed everything so much, I am ashamed to admit I just gave up, got a bit snippy, put the presents in the middle of the room (though I wanted each family to hand out their own) and take some time to watch and limit the mess for the toddlers sake, I caved to the rush rush and we had a scene….it was the other daughters passive agressive? Anyway, I am ashamed at how I acted, but to be firm, that NO, we are taking our time here as people put a lot of effort into their gift buying and I don't want to rush the "occassion", but I just dumped them in the middle of the room, and said "I can't please everyone" so HERE, and went outside to smoke. I have NEVER be so manipulated to let it get to me but it did this year. ENOUGH, I CAN"T please everyone and frankly the alternative being totally alone isn't something I am looking forward to, either. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. The thought that other families are "happy" on this day…the WHOLE day and I am alone because it is all my fault kinda sickens me. Wow, I think I will plan a vacation next year for myself. So messed up. Reply Mitzy, would you feel comfortable with Christmas Eve? Or alternating who get's the first half of the day and the second half? Or alternating who gets Christmas Day and who gets Christmas Eve? My extended family really adores Christmas Eve, allowing the opening of one present prior to bed. That energy helped the kids sleep, knowing they had one of their presents, usually under their arms as they sleep. It's really difficult to satisfy both sets of (grand/) parents, so I know your daughter would be happy if you could give her an idea of what a compromise that you are willing to take is. Reply My MIL gets x-mass day with her kids and stepkids (6 grown adult children , spouses, and assorted grandkids and great grandkids, around 30 people) , His 100 year old grandma gets the Saturday before with my husband's huge extended family (over 50+ people including great-great grandchildren), and the M-I-L's extended family – My MIL's 11 brothers and sisters, spouses, and various descendants – closing in on around 80 to 100 people now, rent a hall and get the weekend after x-mass. (Both sides of my husband's family are prolific farm folk. We had a family reunion of his Paternal grandmother's family and topped 1500 attendees!) My family of 5 grabs an hour or two with my Mom, Dad, and older sister on Xmass eve since we don't put on a huge to-do now that my parents are in their 80's and Mom is suffering dementia and doesn't want to go through the stress of putting something together. No way am I even trying to host anything. Thank fate that with all my Sister-in-laws, I'll never have to! Reply My instinct is along the same lines as Shelly G – why not have them for Xmas Eve? You could have a nice dinner together (and it doesn't even have to be turkey!), the kids could open a present each before bed, and then in the morning you can have a holiday breakfast (by which I mean a boozy breakfast – it's not just my family that does this, right?) and they can do the rest of their presents before going to other mother for xmas dinner. You then have a nice leisurely day with the other girls to cook and eat and unwrap presents when you want. My sister and BIL are in a similar situation, since his parents are divorced and he has small halfsiblings on both sides he wants to see, plus our parents as well. They've tried a few variations, including visiting all three homes on the same day and only visiting one. neither went down well with the various families involved! Now it's usually xmas eve with our parents, since we have a tradition of going to see a film that day and a nice dinner in the evening, then the half days with his parents' families based on what suits them best (handily, one family do presents in the morning, the other in the afternoon), or one parent for xmas and one for boxing day. Reply Err its simple. You wait until he says something negative then infront of everyone you slowly approach him. Raise you arm so the back of your hand is adjacent with the side of his place. With a consecutive movement you greet his face with the back of your hand, be sure to follow through. Before giving him a chance to speak you must say, "B*tch please" You have now established dominance. Reply Spray bottle full of water, set on mist setting, firm, loud NO, repeat as needed. Reply Favorite comment… maybe EVER. Reply I like the passive aggressive suggestions here and if a rude encounter happens where I'm not hosting an event will be pleased to use them. However, if I am hosting, I simply don't invite these people (my mother who lives next door included in that list). In my mind, it's really not worth the harassment to invite someone who one ups everything you say, criticizes every effort you've made or causes all of your other guests to feel unwelcome or so irritated that they have to talk about that person after they leave. When confronted about exclusion, I tell the truth (in a tactful way). If every other guest was upset because you complained about the punch being spiked, perhaps you could bring you own bowl and ingredients to make regular punch. If your conversations were loud, perhaps you could try to lower your voice or request an outdoor venue that is suitable (which we could even coordinate together). Lying isn't an option since that would only reinforce their already misguided behavior. I've met some people who have simply never been confronted about their wrong doings (make sure confrontation is done in private though). Exclusion has been my best tool for keeping these people in line as everyone that meets me learns very quickly that I have a no drama policy to keep my family and myself happy and functional. I'm sure we all have more important things to be doing during the holidays anyway. 🙂 Best of luck to everyone with their celebration situations and happy holidays! Reply An uncle of my husband's has ruined several family parties, at his house or other people's houses. We can't host anything in our studio appartement. It makes it that much more difficult because we're not the hosts. At Christmas last year I was pregnant, there was loud music and I could feel the bass in my womb, so I asked to turn down the bass. He told me it was not my house. I said it was disturbing me because of the baby. His answer: I don't give a fuck about your baby. Nice, right? After that, we had very little contact. Recently we went to their house for dinner and after we got home he started sending SMSs accusing me of stealing something he couldn't find. When it was found, no excuses came my way. And this Christmas we're supposed to be with him again. The alternative is to spend it alone, my husband, the baby and I, which is really tempting for me but I didn't manage to convince my husband. Every time that foul mouthed man ruins the evening, his son talks to him about it afterwards, but it's too late: he made everyone uncomfortable or unhappy. I'm not sure I can use any of these ideas to deal with him. I will read it thoroughly. Meanwhile, any specific ideas when the person isn't someone from your family and with whom you have a rather formal relationship? Reply Ask the son to be your wingman ahead of time: "[son], will you please be ready to talk to your dad about insulting me before it happens, and/or when it starts?" And really, if he doesn't give a fuck about his nephew's child, he's a shitty human who needs to be ostracized for his shit. Ask your husband to think about if he really wants to be involved with someone who says that. Do you have some good friends who might host? Or you could stay home and have video chat dates with the people that you care about. Reply Simply stop inviting him. And if he asks why, be honest. You don't have to be mean or cruel or angry but you can be honest in a loving way. Why make everyone suffer because of one unhappy person? Or you can invite him and as soon as he acts up you can say, "If you're unhappy you are free to go." If it happens a second time after you've made that statement, then you simply walk up to him and say, "It's time for you to leave now." And help him to the door with his coat. The only way people are going to respect you is if you set up very strong boundaries. And once you start, it gets easier each time. I suggest you start. Reply Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Subscribe me to your mailing list No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.