I have never thought of myself as motherly. Never wanted any part of it. I’m 26 now, and have always known that I didn’t want children of my own.
But when I was 19 I had a surprise pregnancy. I was careful, but life happens. Long story short, I chose adoption. I knew I couldn’t do it and wanted the best for my little person.
Pregnancy was annoying, but not hard. It was very interesting physiologically. I thought it was really neat how the body moves around and readjusts to accommodate the new addition. But I’m not gonna lie, it also really grossed me out and disturbed me on some levels. Eventually I got used to it. I had poking games where she would kick at my belly and I’d poke where her foot was, and so on.
As I wasn’t planning on raising this child, I was granted a very cool viewpoint on all the information thrown at me. I kept up to date week-by-week on all the pregnancy websites, and since none of the life-planning applied to me, I really zoned in on all of the physical things.
To this day, I feel my stomach any time I’m exceptionally worried, because I remember what it was like. I see pregnant women and instantly sympathize, because I was there.
Strangely enough, I wound up living with my best friend and her two young children for four years after this. I love them as an unrelated aunt. And occasionally I have bouts of what we always called “the baby rabies,” where I think I might want to do that again and have a child. Then I remember the times the two year old threw yoghurt on my sleeping face. Or when the five year old refused to come downstairs because we laughed at a joke she made. Not even going to get into potty training, and the first year of the pterodactyl screeching stage of infants. And I’m good.
Meanwhile, the on-going relationship with the parents of my biological child is wonderful. I met her this year and it was so surreal. Sure, my heart went out to her, but she was so well-adjusted and cared for that I was proud of her family. Only good things.
That said, pregnancy is likely the most interesting health-related phenomenon I have ever come across. The entire body adjusts to this. My hips actually dislocated for a while (they eventually settled) during my third trimester. How does the body just do that? It’s fascinating.
I actually just submitted an application to a local surrogacy agency today. I feel like it’s a waste for me to not have any children due to my own predilection, while couples can’t conceive but want that family so much.
Creating a life is a really is a great feeling. I just don’t want to be a mom.