I have zero expectations about my daughter’s future relationships
I think my solution is to refrain from assumptions altogether when I’m in public. I’ll stop playing along with other’s comments about her getting married one day, or meeting a man, or whatever. At home, I’ll adopt new words into my vernacular with her. I’ll illustrate differences through play — I can show her two girl Barbies kissing and two Ken dolls kissing.
I’ve ALWAYS been firmly in the “no kids” camp
I’ve always been firmly in the “no kids” camp. When I was 12, my mom took me to meet her gynecologist who became my gynecologist. When I was 16, this gynecologist and I made a deal that if I still didn’t want kids when I turned 25 he would tie my tubes. My long-term first boyfriend and I got pregnant at 17 and we decided to have an abortion. He was going away to school in another state. I could not raise a child alone. It was for the best. Neither of us regret this decision. He’s now happily married with two kids. I’m also happily married. Yay!
Where will I fit into the life of my partner-of-only-a-year’s child?
Last year I met a fabulous genderqueer person with whom I fell into bed unexpectedly one night and fell in love with almost as quickly — a person who told me in the very first hour or two of serious conversation, right before serious cuddling became serious sex, that he was planning to get pregnant and become a single mom within a year. And I surprised myself by instantly thinking “That’s interesting… where do I fit in? How can I be part of this? Who do I want to be?”
Because we’re queer and gender non-normative, we have a wonderful terrifying freedom to design our own family structure. Who will we be together? He (who just as happily goes by she) is set on being Mom or Mama or Mother to the Real Live Baby he’s growing inside him. My role is not set. Do I want to be a Dad, a Daddy, a Papa, or a Pops? Or an Uncle K or a KayPaw or just K? Do I want to be a parent or only the partner of one? And who does the Real Live Baby, and the Real Live Baby’s mother, want me to be?
When you’re not your biological child’s “first” parents
Even though our story is somewhat unique, the idea of bringing a child into your home years after they’re born isn’t a new one. So often folks are hesitant to bring older children through their home, through adoption or other means, because of a fear that it’ll be more difficult to bond with a child you don’t receive as an infant. Through my limited experience (my own family experience!), I understand where this fear is coming from, but want to say that children bond with people who take care of them. Even without a genetic connection, a child, regardless of age, wants to feel love and likes the idea of being part of a family.
A surprise pregnancy, understanding boyfriend, and a new family
Aiden will know that my boyfriend is not his biological father. He will also know how much more this means to his mommy: he’s not here because he has to be, he is here because he wants to be. That kind of love and dedication, the willingness to put aside DNA and open your heart, is what makes a family.
How do I explain my sister’s polyamorous relationship to my kid?
My sister (who lives just a few miles away and is very involved in my life and the life of our large extended family) is part of an open polyamorous quad. All four individuals live together in the same house and one of the women (not my sister) is expecting a baby in the fall. Once baby arrives, I know that it will (and should) become apparent to my two oldest children that these people are more than roommates.
How do you deal with sibling rivalry and when do you know it’s gone too far?
I don’t have the most fantastic relationship with my older sister. Now that I’m having children of my own, I need to address the personal issues I have with sibling dynamics and start to make decisions as to how I would deal with such situations as a parent.
Hey parent friends, I want to hang out with you AND your kids!
I am not a parent but many of my friends are. When friends started having babies, I did all the usual stuff — bringing muffins, offering to help out around the house or at least hold the baby while the parents clean up, and of course cooing over the little ones. I genuinely enjoy kids and I am happy that my friends are bringing them into my life. I know I can’t be included in everything, but I feel so sad when I hear a bunch of people I like talking about an activity that I would’ve enjoyed but wasn’t invited to because they all brought kids. No one seems to think I care, even though I’ve mentioned that I like, say, the zoo or the park, too. I have tried inviting people with their kids to my place and it’s lots of fun, but it’s clearly a grownup apartment and things wrap up pretty quickly.