Down the rabbit hole of über-Christian marriage advice: Do I really have to be spiritual to have a strong connection to my partner? #Relationships#marriage#spirituality July 24 2014 | Guest post by Zoë Etsy seller CosmicLibrary says, "This unusual book has a wonderfully skewed view on love and matrimony – it was authored by a reverend well over 100 years ago." Wedding porn is fun. I like it. But it's everywhere, and you know what I crave more of? Marriage advice. I want to read inspiring things about how to have a happy relationship. Relationships are something I'm interested in, and I like to think about mine. And it makes me feel appreciative of my partner. But, come to find out, a lot of marriage and relationship advice is religious — which is one thing I am not. Related Post Everything I know about marriage I learned from Terry Miller (Dan Savage's husband) Back in 2006 when I was working a full-time corporate job, while also trying to write what would become Offbeat Bride the book, I almost... Read more I started a Pinterest board called "Marriage" to accompany my wedding board (okay, boards, but who's counting?). In my quest, I found The Happy Wives Club. I bought her book. I happily read stories about couples who had been married for decades and shared advice. I basked in the positive view of marriage, since so often the cultural narrative is like "Yeah, it's the ball and chain, you're going to be miserable!" And then she got down to distilling her principles for a happy marriage, and ends up saying "I've never met an atheist with a happy personal life." Essentially, you have to be (a certain kind of) Christian to have a happy marriage. Ouch. I also found this wedding magazine called Inspire Weddings and Marriage. It's the only wedding magazine I've found that also covers the marriage after the party. I think it must be a Southern thing, and I couldn't find their website, just an outdated Facebook page, but it's FULL of content and gives advice on how to have a happy marriage, too, which I love. The one problem I have with it is that it's exceedingly religious. Like it contains Bible quotes instead of ads, casual references to the "Christ-centered" marriage, and stories of couples who "courted" instead of dating. Unlike Happy Wives Club, it doesn't explicitly say that good marriages are reserved for Christians, but it's hard not to get the message that The Way to have a happy marriage is by "focusing on Christ." Even the seemingly secular content has some sort of religious background. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts was interesting and I found it to be a helpful mental exercise. But guess what? The author is a pastor, and that reflects in at least some of his writing. A lot of similarly touted relationship books are the same. And then there's the SUPER-DUPER-ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN content that tells readers to abstain from sex until marriage and be a helpmate to one's husband. I read that too. But I won't get into it here. My partner and I are atheists, so I feel a little confused when some of this stuff resonates with me. I've been reading it because I enjoy reading things that make me think about our relationship and how to keep it strong. But all of it is supposed to be "Christ-centered." Do I really have to be a Christian or otherwise spiritual to have a strong connection to my partner? Do I have to pray to a deity in order to be a good wife and build up my husband? Should I convert in order to save my marriage!? (Okay, I'm exaggerating.) I continue to read such things. I just tune out the bits I don't like that are based on religion. So "submit to your husband" is reinterpreted as something like "trust your partner's judgment." Am I betraying my beliefs by continuing to read? Can I just ignore the central message of all this stuff? Hopefully it's obvious that I'm not judging those who are deeply Christian. That's great. Obviously I find value in some of those messages, even if I don't buy the underlying principle of God existing. Otherwise I wouldn't get my relationship advice fix from those sources. I understand that there is secular marriage advice, which is similar advice with the religion left out. And yes, atheism is lack of belief, so it makes sense that atheist marriage advice would just be marriage advice without religion. But I feel like there's room for advice specific to non-religious folks. Like how to build community. Or where find married couple role models. Or how get free/cheap marriage counseling without going through a church. Anyone know of atheist marriage books, blogs, etc? Any other thoughts about religion or the lack there-of and marriage advice? Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Guest post written by Zoë Zoë is a native Kentuckian who just moved to Indiana after finishing up her last year of university with a BA in Spanish. She is an introvert with a variety of interests, including relationships, writing, art, and spreadsheets. http://zoeblogs.com PREVIOUS Let's talk about small backs and big racks NEXT How can I survive hot-desking in an open-plan windowless office? Show/Hide comments [ 91 ] "I've never met an atheist with a happy personal life" Wow, that stings! Then again, happy atheists might just be stearing clear of that lady althogether… I've read of a few posts here that good polyamourous relationship advice books have a lot of things that would apply to a 2 people relationship too. Haven't read them yet. But then again, that would also have a lot of content that might not apply to your situation. I've found The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin, while not essentially about marriage, has a lot of useful tidbits about how to reframe your point of view on your relationships (including marriage) and how you derive happiness from them. I'll be following that post since I'me having a hard time finding non-religious marriage advice as well. I'm really curious to know what other Homies have in their marriage library. 37 agree Reply "I've never met an atheist with a happy personal life." Exactly! I demand to know her sample size. 🙂 55 agree Reply I was raised in a super Christian environment, and our family's whole social life revolved around church, as did the social lives of most of the people who knew well enough to talk to about anything remotely personal. I always get cracked up when I hear proselytizers say anything about atheists as though they've learned it through personal experience. Yeah… ok…. sure 🙂 30 agree Reply I had a very odd first date with this guy. I have no clue how we got on the topic but for some reason it came up that I wasn't baptized. His response was that he had never met anyone that wasn't baptized and then he added that his mother would expect his children to be baptized even though he previously said he was not religious. I highly doubt that he hasn't met anyone that wasn't baptized since he has probably met people who are not Chritian living where we do. 3 agree Reply How many atheists do these Christians know? My family is super fundamental Christian, and I would say that they know 1 atheist at most, so I don't know where they get this "I've never met an atheist who isn't happy,"….well, maybe if you didn't spend so much time at church (where the atheists aren't) and went to other places where happy people are (like anywhere) then you might run into very happy atheists!! 20 agree Reply Where I grew up it was "I've never met a gay person with a happy, successful personal life" because they drove away all the gay people that couldn't take it anymore and the ones still around were miserable… I'm guessing it's the same concept. (My girlfriend's mother was shocked that I have a career and get along with my parents because lesbians don't do that sort of thing "up nort" in Minnesota) 12 agree Reply here is a blog that is non-religious and related to relationships http://marriagegossipblog.com/ Reply I'm going to take a little bit of a weird approach to tackling your central question by bringing in a second (third?) faith into the mix here. HH Dalai Lama has said that it's not as important which spiritual path to choose, citing Christianity, Buddhism, Islam or Atheism directly, so long as you are moving yourself towards becoming a better person. Lessons that have resonance can come from anywhere. Whether you pull from the directly physical manifestations in front of you (a more atheistic perspective) or a Holy book (traditional religions) or even with inferring from the balances of nature (shamanism/paganism), so long as it's refining you into a more loving, compassionate and understanding person, it doesn't matter. I think this is a helpful philosophy for anyone, but especially in your situation. There are lessons which are inapplicable to you right now, or maybe ever, within the conservative Christian philosophy, but that doesn't mean there aren't good ideas or good practices that you can adopt. As for other marriage resources? I have no clue. I tend to find that cultures/practices without divorce tend to have the strongest history of marriage advice available. 74 agree Reply The remarks of HH were from a lecture I went to of his several years ago in case someone goes looking for it. I believe the year was 2009 and it took place in the metro Boston area. Full disclosure: I do consider myself a Buddhist and turn to HH for spiritual guidance. 2 agree Reply "I've never met an atheist with a happy personal life"? Then she hasn't met very many atheists. Perhaps I should introduce myself to her. "Hi, I'm an atheist. I also have a satisfying, mostly drama free personal life." I'll resist the temptation to flip her the bird for judging that which she does not know in the strangest way. 38 agree Reply I have run in to this exact problem. Generally I handle it the same way, I tune out or 'autocorrect' in my head any religious aspects. Here's the thing, any advise (including mine right now) will only resonate fully with about 10% of the readers. I think when it's advise about hairstyles, cars, recipes etc we just tend to filter without realizing we are doing it. But religion and marriage are so personal, and traditionally so intertwined, that it can be really REALLY obvious when you don't agree with the little details. Each marriage is different, just because your marriage doesn't include religion doesn't mean it will fail, and just because someone's marriage does, isn't a guarantee that they will be happy forever. You don't need to go to a church to reserve a quiet time with your mate and reflect on your relationship. I think that's what is mainly behind the emphasis on prayer or religion within a relationship, just that quiet internal reflection. If you two (or more) can make time to do this in your own way, I think that is a much more important step towards a healthy relationship than anything else. 13 agree Reply apracticalwedding.com has some good relationship advice/essays (my partner and I are also not religious) 24 agree Reply Seconding that! I totally didn't think of it at the time. Reply We found a guide called "The Commitment Conversation" to be helpful marriage guidance without the religious bent. I believe I originally found this link on Offbeat Bride several years ago when planning my own wedding. It guides you and your partner through discussing a lot of things about your marriage-to-be, and it can be revisited over time during your partnership together. You might find it helpful, too: http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/cc2.html 12 agree Reply I think part of it (and this is purely observational) but if you are devoutly Christian or whatever else, you credit God in pulling you through. Going through a rough patch in your relationship is probably easier if you believe it's god testing the strength of your commitment as opposed to your husband being stressed out and acting like an ass as a result. Then when you things are good you are encouraged to be thankful and believe that god put you together because you belong together which is bound to more reassuring and solidifying than "we were at the same party one time." I would consider myself agnostic but I do think there is a lot to be learned from Christian relationship advice, if you leave out all the patriarchal stuff. I also think it's important to be on, roughly, the same page about faith "stuff" and if you're both completely atheist then you probably are. 12 agree Reply I disagree that it's important to be on the same page about faith stuff. My husband is a Christian, and I'm an atheist. I was pretty much one of those "SUPER-DUPER-ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN" people when my husband and I met. 5 years later, I'm an atheist and he's a believer. I think unless your faith is really super duper important to you, then it's perfectly fine to have different beliefs. Like if he wanted to go to church every Sunday or something, or was insistent upon raising our daughter with Christian beliefs, then yes, we would have a problem. But what I've found is that whether or not you believe in god or something like it very rarely comes up in a marriage. I am 1000% certain that there are plenty of people out there who have had different experiences than I have, so I do not claim my perspective to be gospel (ha). It's just that – my perspective. 8 agree Reply "But what I've found is that whether or not you believe in god or something like it very rarely comes up in a marriage." I think there's a pretty wide range of experience there. I have friends who are Christian but it literally NEVER comes up, so whatevs. I had a friend in high school who was VERY Christian but he enjoyed debating and didn't take offense to people challenging his beliefs (in fact kind of relished the discourse) so that worked out just fine. On the other hand I will occasionally see friends-of-friends posts on facebook where they literally cannot leave God out of ANYTHING- "God challenged us with this, God blessed us with that, God told me eat a peanut butter sandwich, God gave me an ache in my big toe to test me…" and I really don't think I could handle being good friends with, much less marrying, someone who places such a great importance on religion in every aspect of their everyday lives. Our brain wavelengths are just way too different. 23 agree Reply Ooh ooh, VERY good related post: Why being in an interfaith relationship rocks 3 agree Reply Well that's sorta what I meant by "roughly". Like he has faith, you don't but you're on the same page that it's not important. Whereas with my ex, we were both agnostic so it should have been fine. But for me it's important to do things that fall under the umbrella of spiritual. For him that was stupid, a sign I hadn't shaken off my Christian upbringing and sometimes worrying (I think he thought I was gonna join a cult lol). So we weren't on the same page and while that wasn't the reason we broke up I know in the future I'd like to be with someone who at least understands why religion/faith might be important to someone. 6 agree Reply I can understand that. I think we're talking about the same thing with different language. I was talking this over with my husband at lunch and he explained it as he and I are on the same page philosophically, even though our belief systems don't line up. Also, I realized that it could work so well for us because we were both *raised* in church-going homes, even if we operate differently now. Family of origin stuff is no joke. 9 agree Reply Even if your faith is super-duper important to you, having different beliefs can work. The Anglican priest who performed our wedding is happily married to an atheist — they've been married for probably about 25 years now. Obviously, her faith is pretty central to her life (I mean, she's a priest, so, yeah…), but it works fine for them. Reply "I've never met an atheist with a happy personal life"? Ummm maybe because Christians tend to not hang out with atheists or have meaningful friendships with them? Derrr. 11 agree Reply I'm Christian. My boyfriend is an atheist, as are most of my exes. My friends (some of whom are friends with each other) are an equal mix. I like to think we are mostly happy. 2 agree Reply As a Christian, I'd like to chime in that I've known happy atheists and unhappy Christians and that I'm sad that you have been unable to find resources that are helpful to you as a non-Christian. Of course my faith is important to me and is a key factor in how I approach relationships, but I don't think one has to be a Christian to have a good marriage or that working on your marriage has to come from a Christian source. And I applaud ANYONE who wants to work on strengthening their marriage. Just wanted to put that out there. 43 agree Reply I'll throw a possible resource out there. (Full disclosure: halfway through this book the couple decide to become Christians, so you could just read the first half.) A Severe Mercy is the autobiography of a couple in the 30s/40s who meet, date, fall in love, and get married. The first half of the book is about the early years of their marriage and how they defined what they wanted it to be (without any Christian or spiritual involvement or references). Things like how they decided gradually growing separate was a danger, so decided to learn and participate in each other's hobbies – because if my partner loves this then there must be some redeeming value in it. Or how they hit their first car with a hammer to make it "used" so that in the event of an accident one day they wouldn't be more worried about the car than their partner. How they came up with the "appeal to love" – asking for all their decisions if this would help or hurt their relationship. Even how they came up with a secret code to communicate with each other at parties. Some of the ideas are pretty radical – and probably not for everyone – but really interesting food for thought about working with your partner to define your relationship, identify potential pitfalls, and take deliberate steps to grow closer. 7 agree Reply Be your own resource. I've found most general relationship advice lacking because THEY DON'T KNOW ME. Or my partner. You figure things out by a little trial and error and a lot of communication (and also trial and error over how to best communicate.) In terms of outside sources, honestly, I've gotten most of my best relationship advice from the Offbeat sites- both the posts and the little wisdom nuggets hidden in the comments. So thank you 🙂 And a quick story: I once tried out a bunch of different religious services before settling firmly into atheism and humanism. The particular Sunday I attended a Baptist church was a special "Women's Sunday," where the pastor's wife gave the sermon about faith in your marriage. She said that you shouldn't be a nag, and that if you have a problem with your husband to take it to Jesus, and Jesus would tell your husband. Among the many problems I had with this, it just mainly seemed inefficient. So I related to the author of this post in that religious marriage advice just does not apply to me! 15 agree Reply Jesus: *Sigh* dude your wife wants you to wash the dishes and for some reason she's telling me about it. Husband: Well you can tell her that I said it's HER turn to do them. Jesus: AAGGHGH 99 agree Reply "This" is not enough. Thank you. So much. 😀 Reply hahaha to tell Jesus and he'll tell your husband. I laughed so hard after reading that as well as after reading Jesus telling a husband about the dishes. So funny. What happens when you tell Jesus, and he doesn't relay the message? Reply I've gotten most of my best relationship advice from the Offbeat sites- both the posts and the little wisdom nuggets hidden in the comments. So thank you Thank YOU! Offbeat Home has a whole tag devoted to posts about marriage: http://offbeathome.com/tag/marriage Although they're not always going to be coming from a non-religious viewpoint, since we like to feature a variety of outlooks on love and life, but I think it's a pretty great resource mahself. 😉 19 agree Reply The best life guide I have found, for all relationships and for self-reflection, is "The Road Less Traveled." by M. Scott Peck. Yes, it's generally spiritual and references a generic God, but no mention of Christ or the Bible. His chapter on Love describes what happens after you fall out of love and the real work of love begins, that love is not a feeling, it is an activity and an investment. 3 agree Reply This is a good question and now I am sitting here thinking through all the things that make my relationship with my husband run smoothly and honestly it is all the small things that matter and knowing who your partner really is, not who you want them to be. We understand what is truly important to the other person and we respect each others needs. I use the plant the seed method of talking about things that are boring or big but need to be talked about. I will say we need to talk about Blah (what ever it is), I know you need to think about it so in the next, day, or week or what ever time line we need to sit down and have a conversation. I know that he needs time to think, and research, and spreadsheet information so giving him time to think takes away the stress during the discussion. Also there is no changing or fixing the other person, I know that he is socially awkward and I don't try to fix that about him. He will zone out or wonder off while we are social situations, instead of getting upset about it, I know that he has hit his social limit and he needs some down time or he may even need to go home. We can both be obsessive about creative ideas and need to talk them out, we give the other person our full attention to do that even if it means stopping what we were already working on to listen to the other person. Neither one of us is very good at saying " I love you" but we show each other that we do all the time in small ways, hugs, listening to the other person, bringing each other small surprises, for example we live on Vancouver Island and my husband love cherries, the very best cherries ever, ever, ever are grown in our province so a bag of cherries make him very happy indeed. Sounds simple right? A bag of cherries, but really you married your best friend, do the things that make your friend happy and feel loved. We also have a firm no drama policy, if you are feeling annoyed or frustrated you must speak up about it, calmly and explain what you need. This has worked for us for eight years, we have never had a big fight, in fact we have never gotten beyond being slightly bitchy with the other person. With out going on with a million little examples that is what works for us. 15 agree Reply i dont have any good non-religious marriage resources, but i just wanted to say that i get it, and its very weird to me too. the connection between marriage and religion is so intertwined, runs so deeply, that it seems sometimes its almost impossible to separate them. i blame it on our history, where the state and religion were one thing, so marriage being a religious institution is just what it was. i havent researched it, but i would also guess that marriage as we know it was probably born from a religion at one point. also the fact that throughout history everyone had a religion, there wasn't like an alternative to that. also, marriage is held in very high esteem (and divorce is held in such low esteem) in every religion i can think of, so it makes sense that the various religions focus so much on marriage, how to keep one, how to stave off divorce, ect. it is super weird to me, though, because in our day and age marriage is a government thing, but most people, and i think the stereotype of a marriage coming to be, doesnt reflect that. most people dont even count themselves as married until the ceremony, which are still held (almost always) by religious figures (mostly) in religious buildings, regardless if the ceremony is a requirement for legal marriage, or when they sign the marriage certificate, or if they get legally married before the ceremony. like they still have to have the religious aspect there to seal the deal, so to speak. and its not that its odd to want the religious element there -if that is your thing, go for it!- but it is just weird to me in our culture, where legal marriage has nothing to do with religion. its like on paper they are totally separate, but in our collective culture they are still very much interconnected. its interesting to think about and talk about, i think. 3 agree Reply I found this study to be quite accurate: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/ The premise is that happy and lasting marriages are based on kind treatment of your partner. This includes everything from listening to what they have to say to fighting in a caring/constructive manner. I see a lot of relationships that are almost a competition. The fights lack an underlying kindness, and are very blame-centric. I just found these insights really interesting 🙂 The person who ran the study wrote a book called The Science of Happily Ever After. That might be one to look into! Also- another happy atheist here 🙂 My pagan husband and I are doing quite well 8.5 years in! 4 agree Reply I just wanted to chime in and say that I came across the article you mentioned above and it really helped my fella and I gain some perspective. We both have a tendency to get wrapped up in what we are doing (internet, video games, books etc.) so we will inadvertently go hours not saying anything to each other or get irritated when we feel interrupted. But the whole "bids for attention" thing in the article really resonated with both of us. Now we make a better effort to respond to each other and listen with intent. Even if our partner is just pointing out how cute the cats are being for the thousandth time that day… Reply As a once-Christian, I will say that some religious marriage advice is solid if you can mentally Search and Replace "Christ" with "your hearts, one another and your world". When faced with a decision, think about what your hearts, one another and your world would want for you and what would best serve them. If you each focus your intent and minds on your hearts, one another and your world, you'll have a shared vision and a deeper consideration not only for one another, but for the greater impact of what you choose and where you're headed. I believe love is a spiritual connection. Concern for another person is a spiritual connection. Sharing, collaborating, seeking to understand–all spiritual connections. For many people, a shared passion for religion is a spiritual connection and a medium to better understand and develop a spiritual connection. For many married people, a shared passion for making a marriage fulfilling and long-lasting is the conduit. 10 agree Reply *Waves* Hi there! Atheist with a happy personal life, checking in for the count. (okay, more agnostic, but whatevs.) I'm betting that lady has no idea how many people she knows aren't actually religious (or else, they are making sure to avoid her and vise-versa.) I don't have any good recommendations for relationship advice- the only secular sources I can think of are things like the "love and sex" areas of magazines/lifestyle websites, which tend to be a lot more sex and dating than "long term ongoing commitment sustaining." I agree that there's definitely room for stuff like "how to build community. Or where find married couple role models. Or how get free/cheap marriage counseling without going through a church"… I've often wished there was a good non-religious alternative to the church community. Sometimes there are community groups, and I guess there's always the Unitarian Universalists, but I dunno, I haven't found any groups that felt like a fit to me. But I do think that just distilling the good parts out of the religious sources is still beneficial- just like one can distill the good lessons from a religion without buying in entirely. There are certain blogs that I'd hate to give the traffic to, though (anything that supports subservience or considers my life's purpose to be a walking incubator, for instance :-P) 4 agree Reply There is the Sunday Assembly: http://sundayassembly.com/ "all the best bits of church, without religion!" 6 agree Reply The Hubbo and I would probably be considered Agnostic/Atheist – although we were pretty hardcore Catholic once upon a time. I've gotten 3 great pieces of marriage advice that aren't particularly religious and they've served us pretty well: 1) When we got engaged my Aunt gave us the 5 Love Languages Book – we skimmed through, took the tests and read through the practical examples for each love language and it has served us well. It also gave us a common vocabulary to communicate what we felt like we were missing if we were ever struggling. 2) Marriage isn't 50/50 its 100/100 – So many people told me that its a balance and each person puts in 50% and that's how it works – Someone was giving me this advice at my shower when a friend of my mom's who'd been married a long time corrected her. Marriage is each person giving 100% all of the time – sometimes you fall short but if everyone is giving all of their effort in each thing you do its way better than half the effort and there's way less resentment. 3) Go to sleep mad – I think I learned this one by example – my parents when they argued weren't the type to stay up all night until it was hashed out – they'd go to bed and everything always seemed better in the morning. And that makes a ton of sense because you're not tired and upset and forgetting what you're actually arguing about because its 1am. I totally agree with the wishing for more secular resources for improving a relationship though. I've read about couple's retreats and stuff in our area but they're always affiliated with a church! 9 agree Reply Oh! "Go to sleep mad" just reminded me of this post on Bride: Go to bed angry: Unpopular but realistic marriage advice 5 agree Reply GREAT advice! I also cannot agree with number 3 more. "Sleeping on it" has worked for everything from big disagreements with friends and significant others, to random problems at work where I'm just out of ideas. 4 agree Reply This book is a secular book full of fabulous marriage advice! And it is backed by RESEARCH, which I love. The gentleman who wrote it has a "Love Lab" at the University of Washington, which is an apartment where they bring married couples to observe them over the course of a weekend, and then follow-up on them to see how their marriage works out. It's a great read! The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert 8 agree Reply I was about to link to that book. It's FANTASTIC. Research based, practical, and totally secular. 2 agree Reply John Gottman really resonates with me because science. Oddly enough, I ran into his work and even some of his love lab videos during my Catholic marriage classes before I got married. In my area, the people who run the marriage classes through the church seem pretty enlightened, because the Catholic church allows interfaith marriages, and so the required pre-marriage classes for practical reasons must include non-Catholic materials in order to resonate with the non-Catholics in attendance. For the OP, you may want to contact your local Catholic church to see what sort of marriage classes they offer – many are not overtly religious, precisely because the crowd is often mixed religions (unless you're in a very Catholic-dominant area). Just explain your situation (or say you are part of an interfaith couple), the church may be happy to accommodate. 1 agrees Reply I love, love, love, the book "a passionate marriage" by snarch (awesome last name, too..) . It presents an incredibly helpful way of thinking about relationship. No religious stuff, one way or the other, either. 2 agree Reply Wow, she's never met an atheist with a happy personal life? Clearly that lady doesn't get out much! My partner and I are also atheists, so I feel you on the lack of non-religious marriage advice. On the other hand, I am also kind of glad for the lack of non-religious marriage advice. Here's why: every relationship is different, so things that work for some people will not work for others. Indeed, the only piece of advice that I have ever found to be worth while in any relationship is this: Communicate! How you and your partner choose to communicate and the strategies you use are entirely up to you. 🙂 One thing that's kind of awesome about being an atheist is that a lot of people who have more conventional beliefs don't even know how to begin doling out the marriage advice, which, in my experience is not only steeped in religion, but also patriarchy and gender stereotypes. 4 agree Reply OMG I just had this experience recently. I was at my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary, and my aunt kept saying "nobody can get to be married 60 years without building their relationship on Christ." UM…. So, I completely acknowledge that my grandparents are Christian, and that their coping skill and glue has been church, God, using the Bible, etc. I think it's wonderful. But how can that phrase be true when there are millions of people around the world who stay married without being Christian. Then my cousin piped up about them being a good example of a 'biblical marriage,' and I wanted to scream because what part of the bible biblical marriage? Solomon and his many wives/concubines? David who had his neighbor killed after he banged his wife? Isaac who had two wives who were biological sisters? WHICH BIBLICAL MARRIAGE are we talking about? Maybe I'm just touchy because my husband and I are in an "open marriage," where I have a girlfriend and he is dating some people, too, that I feel personally judged because of their comments. But I just feel like it works for some…but it is so limiting to say that's the only way you can stay married…hell, Evangelical Christians have a high divorce rate anyway! 19 agree Reply As a liberal Christian, I totally second you on the "WHICH Biblical Marriage?!" thing. Sometimes it feels like, "Umm, have you actually read the Bible?" 8 agree Reply Brene Brown's work comes from the perspective of a hardworking, talented researcher with a skeptic's voice. I'm pretty sure she's Christian, but the fact that I'm not certain proves just how often she brings it up in her work. Offbeat Home published this collection of her videos, all of which I can't recommend enough. http://offbeathome.com/2013/03/vulnerability-day They contain useful information for how to navigate all sorts of relationships in terms of vulnerability and shame-which are easy places for everyone to get tripped up. The work she's done changed my approach to relationships entirely and I'm much much happier for it. (Agnostic with a Theist SO) 5 agree Reply The best marriage resource I can offer is to do some reading about Non-Violent Communication: http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034 I've found it to be a hugely useful tool in my marriage. When things got a little grotty for us after my son was born (parenting is hard, y'all!), my husband and I did 12 weeks of therapy with an NVC-focused counselor and it was a game-changer for us. Meeting with a counselor was great, but the concepts behind NVC are pretty simple, so just reading about it can be hugely useful. (Realistically, the Empire's community management is mostly NVC, so if you like how we talk to each other around here, you might like NVC in your marriage, too.) 13 agree Reply I second this. But if you're like me and… 1. have a total block when it comes to reading self help books 2. have NO frame of reference for healthy communication styles …then couples therapy is the key. NOTHING has helped that guy I married and I out in our marriage better than the year we took couples therapy together. Non-Violent Communication changed our lives. 14 agree Reply Seeing an actual real person who can give real and personalized advice is really needed for lots of people. I recommended relationship books until the cows came home to my husband. He never actually read any. Eventually we went to couples counseling and it really helped our relationship through some tough times 🙂 1 agrees Reply One more thing…while it's still 'spiritual,' I have LOVED this book: If the Buddha Married. 1 agrees Reply YES! I was coming to comment this, glad I read comments first before I jumped the gun. It is a great book, and If The Buddha Dated is a great book too..many of the concepts transfer well to marriage from dating. And buddhist concepts seem pretty relatable to a variety of faiths or non-faiths. Both books have been very helpful for me and my atheist husband. Reply I personally haven't found a lot of marriage advice that I have come across as very useful, but that's just my own experience. I should add that I never really seek it out, but I've read plenty and sat through some unsolicited advice and never find myself learning anything new. Marriage advice is generally either common sense or based on personal experience and I find it hard to connect with. Sometimes I flat out disagree with the advice. I just try to learn how to be a better wife every single day. I realize that for some people that means looking into marriage advice, but every marriage is so different, I'd rather study my husband, myself, our life. I pay attention to what I'm doing right and I especially pay attention to when I make mistakes. I show gratitude for each and every wonderful thing he does, big or small, and am honest with him without being condescending when he doesn't get something quite right. I guess what I'm really getting at is this: I don't know that I could ever personally find a bit of marriage advice that was more meaningful that what we're already trying to accomplish everyday as a married couple… and that's to communicate with each other, pay attention to each other, and learn from each other. (I should add that should we ever encounter a specific problem in our marriage that we can't tackle ourselves, I'd certainly be open to seeking help.) 4 agree Reply So my husband and I are both catholic, we send our kids to a catholic school. I'm currently pg with our 5th one. From the outside, we look pretty Catholic. I read all those books too. A lot of them are filled with crap. We have awesome friends that are atheists, and have a great marriage. We have friends who are pagans. Not a big deal. I think most of marriage is just being on the same page, or at least finding someone that will deal with your shit. And I mean that in a good way. My relationship with my husband is vastly different than my sister and her husband. You should want to make the other person happy but not if it leaves you miserable. I would continue to read whatever you find, leave out the parts that are obviously crazy (like the book that said Mary was a virgin her whole life because since she had been impregnated by God, Joseph could never give her an orgasm. Yeah, people believe and print that shit). Take the good stuff. 2 agree Reply I have read some of John Gottman's stuff and gotten a lot out of it. Totally science based. I'm on my second go round so want to make sure that this one really is forever. Good Luck! 1 agrees Reply Oh, great article. "Turning towards" is so simple, and seems really powerful Reply This is a really silly answer to this question, but have you ever read Plutarch's Advice on Marriage? It's extremely… ahem… patriarchal, but you know, it's from 100 AD. A very small percentage of it is rather sweet. Mostly it's come up at work (I work at a university where people read this nonsense) because it's totally hilarious in places. (I in no way endorse any of this advice, it was just the first thing that popped into my head… Please listen to other sensible commentors) 3 agree Reply THIS! "Like how to build community. Or where find married couple role models. Or how get free/cheap marriage counseling without going through a church." Even though I know I do not believe in God as defined by Christianity, I find myself missing the community built around it, to the point where I've considered going to church just for that. I will say, I found that marriage counseling without going through a church = couples therapy (in a traditional counseling / therapy setting). I'd suggest that if you are fortunate enough to work for a company with EAP (employee assistance programs), often times they will include at least one session of phone or in person counseling, which can be used for couples therapy (ie pre-marital counseling) 1 agrees Reply Last year I accessed EAP and had 3 sessions for couples therapy which was IMMENSELY helpful for us understanding each other and communication better. I highly endorse it! Reply My husband and I are Christian, and I agree that it has a lot to do with the success of our relationship, because we both believe in something bigger than us that gives us a direction and calling in life. Maybe what you can take away from all of those Christian authors is that couples succeed when they have a common goal or calling that they build their relationships around, and a strong support base of like minded people surrounding them. It's a great foundation for a marriage, and it doesn't matter whether it's the Christian God, another deity, a magic purple space elephant or just a simple life mission or passion like alleviating poverty or doing crochet together… having a common thread that's bigger than each other to share with each other is important to many couples. 4 agree Reply I second this. I think the key to most Christian marriage advice is 'do not be self-centered', if you want all spiritual reference taken out. Personally, I do believe that the spiritual stuff is helpful and meaningful, but I think that if I were an atheist, this would be my main take-away message: ~ Do not be self-centered, instead, focus on the other person. ~ Focus on giving instead of taking. ~ There's this whole analogy that Christ gave himself for mankind, and that you are to do the same in marriage (you must have come across it), but really, it makes sense that giving instead of taking is a way to be happy, especially if both partners do this. I also agree with Carmen that there is a plus for church-going people in that it provides a community of like-minded people that can lend support. 2 agree Reply When my husband and I went to couple's counseling, our therapist suggested 'Wired for Love: How Understanding your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help Defuse Conflict and Build A Secure Relationship" by Stan Tatkin. It is based on the science of attachment theory, and if I recall correctly, includes no religious information whatsoever. I found it to be very useful and practical. The best parts were the couple examples throughout the book which illustrated in real-life terms the very science-y information the author was trying to impart. Also, our couples therapist, Patti Henry, wrote a book herself called "The Emotionally Unavailable Man." Despite the very accusatory-sounding title, it is an excellent book which talks mostly about men and how they process emotions but also discusses how men and women relate. It is not a marriage book per se but it is very enlightening. I devoured it in a couple of days and found that I was able to have more compassion and understanding for not just my partner, but men in general. No religious overtones in this one either, if I remember correctly. Lastly, I second Brene Brown's work! Good luck! 🙂 Reply I'm probably just going to talk myself in a circle here, but here it goes. When I met my husband, he was Christian and I was Atheist, but searching for something. I since have been saved, baptized, yada yada, all that good stuff. Comparing my previous relationships to this Christ based one, yes, I have a much deeper connection, I trust him more, I'm not at all afraid to be my true self around him. But, who is to say if it's because it's a relationship with Christ at the center or because I finally met the person I'm meant to be with? To say that they've never met an Atheist who has a happy personal life, I think is going rather far. No one is happy 100% of the time, to expect that from anyone is absurd. I think as a Christian it's a little easier to say "okay, things are sucky now, but they'll get better eventually," but Atheists can do that too. Otherwise 100% of suicides would be Atheists and 0% would be Christians and that's just not the case. We did premarital counseling with our pastor, and yes, we did The 5 Love Languages, and it was an Aha moment for me, but at the same time, it's not the only thing that has influenced our marriage. I think we all pick up bits and pieces from marriages that we admire, regardless of religion, and use those to format what works for us as a couple. 1 agrees Reply Not intending this comment to cause any upset feelings. My sister gave me a copy of the 5 Love Languages when it was obvious I was becoming serious about my relationship with my now husband. She told me that if she had read it while she was engaged to a loser, she would have left sooner, or gotten some sort of counseling. She didn't realize until it was too late that she just wasn't fulfilled in that relationship, and she didn't want her young kid sister to fall to the same fate. I read it, but I thought it was complete bunk. The writing felt really patronizing, and put something ephemeral in very concrete terms, especially when it came to the love quizzes included in the book. My husband read it too, and he also didn't care for it. I guess my point is, that the book is very popular, but it just wasn't for us. Reply And it's totally your right to feel that way! It just struck a chord with me because I had never thought that people loved differently than others, I had always just assumed love is love is love and that's it. Like I said, philosophy for marriage comes from different places for everyone and I think we all pick and chose what works or doesn't work for us. Reply I find some of the comments on this really offensive. I'm not a practising Christian but my partner is and he is the sweetest, kindest most generous man you would ever meet! I have been welcomed into his parish with open arms. When things have gone terribly wrong, they have shown far more love, support and compassion than most of our atheist friends. Christians are as entitled to as much of an opinion as an atheist and I really don't dig the idea that all Christians are closed off and judgemental – because it's categorically NOT the case! It's totally not okay to be dismissive of someone's thoughts purely on the basis of whether or not they have faith. It seems sometimes like atheists feel they have a free pass to say what they like against religion and I really don't get why! I know of atheists who spend their time 'trolling' religious groups online and by doing so, they are doing exactly what they accuse the religious parties of doing! Everyone should just be a little more accepting and a lot more tolerant! BUT to the point at hand: I kind of feel that one of the issues here, is that until recently, marriage has been intricately connected to religion for most. For a long time churches were the dominant place to have a ceremony and so all the accumulated advice comes from sources connected to those. Most of the religion-based advice I've seen has been pretty simple, and not really that much about God: Treat others well. Don't be selfish. Do great things in a small way. I've read 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew G Marshall multiple times. It's more for if your relationship is really struggling than general marriage advice, but it's worth a read if you feel communication is an issue. Or just watch PS I Love You. Every time I'm mad at my partner and I watch that film I end up blubbing in his arms that I never want to be apart from him! A fantastic reality check!! 1 agrees Reply This is a bit tangential to the main question, but I find it fairly easy to separate Jesus as a person from Christ the religious figure. I generally really like Jesus' philosophy. (But not everything in the old testament.) He was a pacifist, valued the poor and oppressed, preached love above all else. Love and kindness are definitely ideas I value, in marriage and everywhere. Was he God incarnate? I don't know, and don't find the question very useful to explore. (Hi, I'm agnostic and humanist!) So while I don't have much reference (I don't think I've ever read a self-help book) if it's mentioned in passing like "Be like Christ, and easily forgive," I can read that and agree with the message, even if I'm thinking "Yeah, Jesus of Nazareth, the middle eastern philosopher" not actually God himself. I think I can like that advice without the religion, as long I'm not distracted by the religion or saturated by it 5 agree Reply I actually am Christian (ish) and still don't really like reading a lot of overtly religious marriage advice. I certainly don't subscribe to values like "you must abstain from sex until marriage" (although personally, I'm uncomfortable having sex unless I'm in a fairly committed/long-term-potential relationship, but I don't judge others who have different sexual needs and desires), or the traditional gender roles stuff. So I definitely agree that there's room for some secular/non-religious marriage advice, because certainly non-religious folks (or non-Christian religious folks, for that matter) are also perfectly capable of having happy, healthy partnerships, and they need advice and encouragement and support just like everyone else. At the same time, I think this is a side effect of the degree to which marriage as a word and concept has taken on a religious sheen. I don't know the history, and I know many, many cultures had marriage-equivalent partnerships, many of which weren't explicitly religious, but I think in modern times, marriage *is* something that has a bit of religious baggage to it. We can definitely argue about whether this is *right* (my personal belief is that religion should pretty much stay out of anything that isn't a purely personal matter of spirituality), but I think it *is*. Of course, one problem with being progressive is that we tend to be fairly welcoming and accepting of a lot of different types of relationship models, sexualities, and overall method of living. So unlike religious people who tout marriage as the be-all-end-all of relationships, progressives, which includes many non-religious folks, tend to be spreading their advice thinner by focusing on all the different ways one can be, whether it's marriage, singlehood, long-term non-marriage partners, polyamory, short-term partners, etc. Which is to say, I think a lot of this type of advice can be found in those books and articles, even if they don't seem to be related. A lot of literature focusing on, for example, cohabitation and long-term dating, tend to also be very relatable and valuable for married couples. Poly literature is also often helpful even for mono couples – the concepts of trust, communication, and respect are not exclusive to poly people. So maybe it's out there, just going by a different label. 2 agree Reply My husband and I jumped into marriage counseling within months of being married. We were having some fights that left both of us extremely uncomfortable and we wanted to be pro-active and get a handle on our conflict style. It was a-fucking-mazing. We are 123234094350293% better for it. We went SEVEN times (that's it!) and were able to conquer some seriously tough stuff (severe mental illness of a parent, parent living with us, kicking parent out) with our new fangled conflict management. One of the things we were encouraged to read was http://www.amazon.com/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414 The author is a PhD clinical psychologist who followed a ton of couples over many decades. He mentions religion, but only in as far as it might be soothing to a person or a source of conflict. It's non-religous and probably the least sexist of the marriage books that I have read. There's still a lot of men are mostly this way/women are mostly this way. They try to be super clear about making generalizations and how they might not apply and to look closer at your style then at the gender being discussed. I can forgive it since it seems like they really needed to use that language to give the wider audience context/brevity. It addresses communication styles, common breakdowns and other very interesting thing. It helped me a lot. My husband didn't read it (he has a tough time with the attention span needed for books), but he read all of my highlighted passages and would discuss things with me as I read them. Reply Have you checked out the Gottman Institute's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work? While Gottman is Jewish, it is not remotely religious and is, instead, based on scientific findings. I found the book to be a fascinating read that helped open my eyes to my interactions with my partner. As to the main question, of course anyone of pretty much any religious persuasion will insist that only people who do things their way will be happy/fulfilled/successful. But no, I don't think you need to be Christian or religious or what have you to be a happy person or to have a successful marriage. 2 agree Reply My ex was religious, and I'm a card-carrying atheist, and one of the reasons things went so bad is because he couldn't reconcile his religious beliefs with common sense. He saw himself as moral, no matter what he did because he was religious, and saw that moral superiority everywhere. He did some pretty terrible things when we were together, but always thought he was a good person because of religion. Consequently, he saw his morality as superior to mine, because it had a divine basis. Now I'm with a fellow atheist, and we both get our morality from… well, morality. We both treat each other well and respect each other profoundly because we think it's right, and be cause we love each other and… because it's just the way to have a relationship! I'm way more connected to him than I ever was with my ex, because we both see morality as morality, and something separate from faith or spirituality. We do what's right because it's right, and not because we believe there's someone looking over our shoulder. We also know that if we screw up, we don't get immediate eternal forgiveness, and that if you hurt someone, you have a real person to answer to, to whom you did wrong. 12 agree Reply So I'm Unitarian Universalist, which is a faith that welcomes athesists, humanists, pagans, Buddists, Jews, Christians, Muslims etc. The one thing that I felt that I can add to this conversation is that one thing we talk about in my church (local church) is about your tolerance for the G word (God) in reading about spiritual topics. I asked my Reverand for books that would help me reflect when going through a job transition and his first question was "What's your tolerance for reading language about God? If you can read it and take what you want from it, I can recommend these authors. If you really have no tolerance for it, you can check out these other authors." What I wanted to say is that it is possible to read books with religious content without really caring about religion. There are books written from different perspectives. Also it's normal to feel some spiritual or philosophical tugs when going through a life transition. I started going to UU church because my husband and I are trying to start a family. I would encourage you to read broadly across different traditions. You might also look at That Nicht Hanh's (probably spelling his name wrong) book on love and compassion. I enjoyed reading it before my own wedding. Good luck! 5 agree Reply Thich Nhat Hahn 🙂 Reply Zoe, I have just the website for you. Check out A Practical Wedding's blog (http://apracticalwedding.com/). I got married a year ago, but stay subscribed to it because I am consistently blown away by the insightful advice it has about marriage, not just weddings. I'm a conservative Christian who gets tired of hearing the same religious relationship advice over and over again. A Practical Wedding is secular and can sometimes be *too* open-minded for my taste, but it still rings true. 2 agree Reply My husband and I have been married for 17 years. I consider myself a spiritual person, a person of faith that tends to lean more towards Christianity than any other faith. However, I like to supplement my faith with teachings from other faiths. This is something my marriage taught me. I think what happens is that people aren't talking to each other. It's hard and scary sometimes to communicate because it means you both have to take a look at some hard truths. But if you talk, and do it in a loving and respectful manner, you both grow and your marriage gets stronger. I encourage everybody to go to marriage counseling. We did it, and not because our marriage was failing, but because we were young when we got married and just needed to air some greivances. Our therapist taught us how to talk to each other about the hard stuff. But man, am I glad we went to counseling! I love my husband. We drive each other nuts. We make each other laugh. We take care of each other. I wish I could explain it more. I do think our recognition that neither of us wants kids helps too. Having kids adds another level of stress and anxiety to a relationship. And if both partners aren't sure they it's what they want it's going to hurt. But then I'd say that about buying a home, dealing with finances and debt. It just all comes down to communication. Reply I am Pinning this article so I can go through the comments ad-nauseum later. I just wanted to throw out there that I am *so glad* I am not the only non-Christian who is into those Christian marriage/housewife blogs. I don't know what it is about them that draws people in! 1 agrees Reply As a committed evangelical Christian, I must say to have a successful and happy marriage (there is a difference), you need to share the same faith, and commitment to that faith. When you hit those difficult life events – and you will – the" for better or for worse" tests your faith in your relationship and your god (whether your god is Buddha, Mo, or as my neighbor claims, Bill Gates). I guess you need to search within yourself and find out what is the most important, driving force in your life. If it is Christ, then it would be less than optimal to be married to a non-Christian. Do I know be who are? Yes. And they usually will tell you it is a struggle, especially for the one committed to their religious belief. Reply While these books aren't overtly "marriage advice" I really recommend both fantasy series by Laurell K. Hamilton. The author herself has done a lot of relationship soul searching, including divorce and remarriage and embracing polyamory. Her characters in her books struggle with everything normal relationships struggle with (plus vampires, faerie kings, the US military, tabloid media…) Her Anita Blake series and Merry Gentry series are getting quite long now, but if you like to settle in for fantasy, mystery, horror, sex/romance, then the series are both entertaining and informative. If you don't have the patience for the series, or aren't so much in to fantasy, she does write some short personal essays on her blog. Reply The concepts and articles at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ I'm finding very helpful. A bit love-languages like, focussing more on actually what people are in relationships FOR rather than just feeling loved – so I think it's a deeper perspective. Some good conflict resolution strategies, but he is more focussed on helping people stay in love. He does write in a secular manner although I find some of his values quite conservative (whaddayamean, I can't feel platonic love for an opposite-sex friend without risking an affair?). So as with anything YMMV in places. Well and truly worth reading. And free. Reply When my husband and I were married we specifically sought out a secular ceremony as well as officiant . I grew up believing that being un-equally yoked was a death sentence for a marriage. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that term it means that one partner is Christian while the other isn't. The Bible speaks about this as having two bulls pulling a wagon. One is mal-nourished and the other is strong and well fed- they cannot pull the cart equally because the yokes will not be at the same height/length; hence un-equally yoked. But when I met my husband I was beginning a different path. One of open-mindedness that I previously not traveled. My family was skeptical and tried of a few occasions to find out what I plan to do when my children want to know why Daddy doesn't go to church, etc. My responses to that became the following. "We have both decided that we want our children to have an open mind about these things. We want them to choose their own paths in life and by having a diverse belief system we feel they can best decide that. I will probably bring my children to church and if they want to stay home we will have a conversation about why and see what sort of reasoning they have behind it." My husband isn't atheist; but Agnostic. So he believes there is a God he just is unsure of what that means exactly. So some day our children will ask him what that means and have the opportunity to make their own decision on what that means. I find that very exciting!!!! Some other things I've noticed is how we handle problems. Of course we don't pray together, but my husband doesn't mind that I do, we prayed before our wedding and asked my father to pray before our meal for the reception. He respects that my faith is strong and what that means for my personality and values. I also respect his search for the truth and knowledge. His mind is very logical and scientific, something I struggle with. I think this makes us stronger in our relationship. Reply "Am I betraying my beliefs by continuing to read? Can I just ignore the central message of all this stuff?" i struggle with that too, a lot. so i decided, though i am a (very liberal) christian, that i have to stay way clear of evangelical content because i get very angry very soon about…no, not going there. it´s just bad for my mojo. for non-christian reads: i liked elizabeth gilberts novel on marriage, "committed". also SARK has some lovely insights about relationships, and i second gretchen rubin – both "the happiness project" and "happier at home". and offbeat home / families of course… 🙂 i try to go through the world with open eyes and soak up as much advice as i can from people that inspire me – for example the couple i babysat for when i was in my early twenties is to this day my go to reference when it comes to "marriage hygiene", so to speak. they did not care about how their home looked, what their schedules demanded (three kids, both parents work), or about the finances, twice a week they had a babysitter over and went out together. they are two very different people, fighting a lot, who love each other deeply and it shows… Reply Not just for marriage, but for understanding love and relationship patterns, read: A General Theory of Love; The Dance of Anger. Also, I second Committed for thinking about marriage itself. Community support that is not spiritual could be found at a contemporary Zen center. Ours even has Inquiry and a "clearness committee"–two ways to get support with something you are struggling with. Neither gives you advice or answers but actually helps you process and deepen your questioning. It's pretty amazing. Reply I am a Christian, and I get upset when people are not honest about marriage. When I got married, all I heard was how wonderful marriage was. No one was willing to admit that marriage is hard, and while you will have great days, there will also be days when you want to question your sanity and be very upset with your spouse. Also, as a Christian, the answer I seem to get the most when problems do arise is "Pray." But marriage takes action and commitment, and most importantly, communication! I think no matter what your beliefs are, if you aren't willing to communicate and be honest with not only your spouse but also yourself then your marriage will not survive. I know you are asking for advice/ blogs/ books that aren't Christian, but I have just started writing a blog about marriage…the ups and downs as well as advice. I do quote the Bible , but I am not saying a reader has to be Christian to have a successful marriage and also quote several other religions. Feel free to check it out: http://wowandvowdays.wordpress.com/ (Again, this is a very new blog, but I plan on tackling hard issues: counseling, family, etc) 1 agrees Reply Ok, so I'm late commenting. But I want to add a resource for couples: Dan Savage. He writes a column and does a podcast. 25 years ago, it was a sex advice column, but honestly, now, it's relationship advice, from how to come out to your parents, to balancing a relationship when you have young children, to what to do when your sex life is dwindling. His advice is definitely secular. You will notice many unconventional (offbeat?) pieces of advice. He is kink- and poly friendly. He coined the term "monogamish" for couples who are mainly monogamous–monogamous on a day-to-day level, but occasionally leave room to stray under certain circumstances. He invented the concept of being "good, giving, and game"–sexually open with your partner. He is also sort of conservative in some ways! Dan thinks it's ok to stay in a loveless marriage so you can remain in the same house as your young children–to prioritize your relationship with your kids for awhile over your love life. Dan advocates sucking it up and putting up with things that annoy you about your partner. He has a great little Youtube video about his concept for the Price of Admission: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1tCAXVsClw Overall, I think that growing up on Dan Savage has helped my marriage with my husband. We are more understanding of one another and cut each other slack. We are less afraid to bring up tough subjects. 1 agrees Reply Also late to the party! Atheist (and ex-Jew) marrying a lazy/agnostic Pagan (and fallen Catholic) just for the record. My favorite place to get advice on ANYTHING is Captain Awkward. There's over 600 questions answered so far, with multiple tags and categories, including Relationships. One of the bonding activities Fiance and I do together is sit in bed and read the questions together. http://captainawkward.com/category/relationships/ 1 agrees Reply Count me as another happy atheist. I haven't seen any popular explicit atheist/secular marriage advice, but I've encountered a lot of useful advice in passing, like in comment sections of atheist and skeptic blogs. I have found Captain Awkward (captainawkward.com) to be a great resource for building a strong marriage, or building strong, healthy relationships in general. (That's kind of how I ended up here.) Since it's an advice column, it's to be expected. The most recent thing I read there was on setting up finances with a long term partner. The commenters there are also very helpful. One suggestion I thought was helpful was setting up a shared account and having a task list for bills to be paid monthly. Other topics I think are pertinent to making a strong marriage was setting boundaries like deciding who is contributing to the household and how much. There was an older post about how much time people wanted to spend with their partners. For some people, once a week is too much, and for others three times a week is not enough. There's also discussions about managing relationships with in-laws, disability, family meetings/checking in, abusive relationships, sex-lives, etc. Of course not all the advice will apply to everyone, but there are a ton of different view points and ideas, that you'll likely find something that works. In general, I've got to echo other commenters' advice on communication. This doesn't mean that you and your partner are completely honest about everything, but that you each make your wants/needs known and figure out how to get those met. 1 agrees Reply I just stumbled upon this post and thought you might be interested in this: http://www.relatetoday.com its relationship advice, geared towards marriage or any committed relationship that is based on academic research with no religious influence. It uses academic research and machine learning to customize advice to you. Reply That was an interesting read. What I believe is that we should have belief in God and religion but should not have blind faith. Its all in the thinking and ones perspective to think that in spirituality to have a strong connection to my partner. Reply Thank you so much for sharing this! Glad to know I’m not the only one. I’m a non-religious newlywed and was experiencing a lot of the same things when looking for marriage advice. Like you, I want to read inspirational stories of happy couples, especially when I hear so many terrible stories, and hear so many people complaining about their relationships. I can’t relate to that. My husband and I are very happily married, and I definitely want it to stay that way, so I think it’s important to learn from others. But, I don’t need someone telling me to pray, submit to my husband, or that as an atheist I won’t have a happy marriage – what a terrible statement! My husband and I actually ended up starting a marriage blog of our own, sharing our own experiences. Even while researching for our own content, it’s so hard to find supporting information that doesn’t have a religious foundation. Hoping to find more blogs, books, and resources for people like us 🙂 Reply Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Notify me of follow-up comments by email. 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