Why only you can heal you (and why that’s fucking awesome)
Here’s how anxious attachment works: you grow up confusing the sensation of chasing attention with the feeling of love.
We adapted so well to unpredictable attention that it’s what we crave. Relationships that don’t involve chasing can feel boring…
Individuation: stumbling toward emotional self-reliance
Maybe the most obvious way to talk about individuation is to say that, in the context of my marriage, if there was a bad feeling, I would look to my spouse to help me with it. Over the years, this mean that basically I held him at least partially responsible for my sense of well-being. Then, suddenly, my sense of well-being was very much my responsibility alone… and ultimately, it always was.
My same-sex marriage is as real as yours no matter what happens
With all the movement towards marriage equality in Australia (and now speculation in the US again), I thought it was time to talk about and maybe even open a discussion about gay marriage. Luckily for me and my wife, it is recognized in America post-Obergefell v. Hodges. I have mentioned my upbringing as a late-bloomer in the South, and the fact that I was raised to believe marriage is between a man and a woman. Little did I realize, when hearing these things, that I would find myself deeply in love and married to a woman when I grew up. Falling in love with someone of the same sex really puts a dent in those childhood teachings…
Swinging: an insider’s perspective (plus how it differs from polyamory!)
I’ve been seeing lots of awesome posts about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. I wanted to offer some thoughts on a variation that I haven’t seen talked much about yet: swinging.
Swinging or, “the lifestyle,” as we often refer to it with each other (sometimes indicated by a black ring on the right ring finger for those who like to advertise their proclivity), is one subculture among many with countless variations and expressions. Here is my personal perspective…
I’ve been married for three years and I still can’t pick a married last name
It happens all the time. Someone will look at me, ask for my name, and I’ll panic. What is my name here? My doctor and my library know me as Ms. My-Last-Name. Our dog groomer and favorite restaurant know me as Mrs. His-Last-Name. My bank knows me as both. And at some point, my gym changed my name to match my husband’s, but I forget and give them the wrong name every time. Who am I this time?
My husband doesn’t want kids: how do I cope with his choice?
My husband recently told me he definitively doesn’t want children. I knew he’d been leaning that way over the past few years so we’ve been waiting. Silly me, I’d always thought he’d eventually change his mind. If I’m honest my heart is quite broken. I’ve always looked forward to being a parent. How do I move from wanting a child to child-free?
My poly tips for working with jealousy (even if you’re not polyamorous!)
A theme in poly articles I see a lot: non-monogamy requires so much effort — likely too much effort for most of us. And I have a growing appetite for unpacking our assumptions that non-monogamy is so much harder than other ways of being in relationship.
I’m not here to tell you that scheduling time with and navigating the feelings of multiple partners doesn’t require a lot of work, or even that I think everyone needs to want to do the kind of work polyamory requires. Non-monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach any more than monogamy is and both require dedication and communication…
Is polyamory a lifestyle or an orientation?
My husband recently told me that he is thinking more and more about a polyamorous lifestyle. He told me that he feels he needs to come out of the closet as poly. Aside from all of the considerations for the relationship itself (I saw you already address that well here and here), I’m more interested […]