So, after 15 weeks of pregnancy, I can say this: I have become a barfing expert. A patron of puke, a valet of vomit, a connoisseur of chunder. In short, I’ve had fucking terrible morning sickness. But by “morning sickness,” I mean, all-day-whenever-it-fucking-feels-like-it sickness. The last week or so, I’ve mostly been throwing up at night, usually before I eat dinner. Doesn’t matter what I eat, I just barf.
Anyway, after discussing barfing at length with a few people, someone brought up the notion of refusing to throw up in a toilet. “Uh, why?” I asked naievely. “Someone’s ASS has been there, taking a SHIT. I don’t want to put my MOUTH there!” they replied. I was shocked. Not because of the language or anything, but HOW HAVE I NOT THOUGHT ABOUT THIS BEFORE?
This is the kind of thing I usually harbour and thrive on. Like how I won’t put a public phone to my ear, because god knows who’s been using that thing, and nonsense like that. I’m not a germaphobe by any means, I just tend to over-think the possibility of grossness, more than the germs themselves. Plus, I kind of loathe anything toilet-related. I hate talking about it, I hate jokes about it, I don’t even like using those facilities, if I can help it. The contempt I have for someone who conversationally talks about or jokes about feces, flatulence, and urine is kind of huge. I mean, really — this is what people choose to laugh and chat about? But I digress.
Anyway, my point is, I’ve now been thinking a lot about locations in which to throw up. Being sensitive to cleaning and other people’s horror regarding barf, I haven’t wanted to throw up anywhere that involves not being able to close a door for privacy, and anywhere where the barf is difficult to flush/wash away. Here are my top three locations:
The best thing about the bath is that you’re able to sit pretty comfortably beside it, as opposed to be hunched over a toilet bowl in (usually) a small space. You can easily wash the barf away using the tap, and since there’s a large area to throw up in, if you need to stagger in and projectile barf, you can. The downside is that there’s usually not water already in it, so that sick-y smell tends to hit you pretty hard, pretty quickly. You can’t just leisurely sit there and wait for the waves of nasuea to take you on a trip to Chunder Town — you have to be prepared to hold it in and wash the existing barf away as you go. Still, it’s not bad.
The Laundry Sink/Trough
A place where you can barf and STAND UP. I’ve only done this once, so we’ll see how it goes in the future, but it seemed to result in less post-barfing eye watering, which is a plus. Standing up means that you’re not as close to the barf itself, so you don’t seem to be as close to the smell as you would be like you are with the bath. Once again, taps means that it’s easy to wash away pretty quickly. However, I can see this only being a decent solution if you’re going to throw up quickly and move on. If you’re surfing a lot of nasuea, you’ll probably hunch over the sink, and then you’ll be SUPER CLOSE to the barf smell, which ain’t fun. Plus, standing up for long periods when your stomach muscles are aching doesn’t sound overly pleasant. But still, it’s not bad, and it’s usually far enough away from a kitchen or something so that if you’re throwing up when people are around it’s not going to be horrific for anyone else.
I KNOW. I know, I spent the first half of this post arguing against this option. BUT HEAR ME OUT. The toilet is kind of designed to quickly and easily remove gross stuff from your butt or face or whatever. This is why people have spent years flushing dead fish down there. That means that when you puke, you’re one short button-push away from removing the horridness of your former food. Also, because there’s already water in there, it immediately dilutes the sick-y smells, so you don’t get the same offending odor. If you have a large toilet area, you can sit pretty comfortably, but honestly, I prefer being on my knees, hunched over the bowl anyway. There’s something poetic about it. Plus, since toilets are generally small in size (well, smaller than a bath or laundry sink), you don’t have to stare at it while you give yourself a second to recover/breathe (or wait for the next wave of nasuea to come). You don’t have to lean for a tap, or watch the barf clog up a sink hole. It just disappears. Yes, people have put their asses there. But unless their entire butt is covered in something horrific, I’m not too worried. Y’know, for now. That being said, I’ve never had to throw up in a toilet that wasn’t sparkling clean (thanks mum), so we’ll see how it goes if I have to toilet-barf in public or something.
Other places I’m yet to try: Flower beds, a lake/the ocean, a bin, an urn (thanks to “Juno” this seems like a must). However, I did throw up on the side of the freeway recently, and was approached by police officers in an unmarked cop car, who assumed I was drunk. They thought it was hilarious. I wanted to set them on fire.
The moral of the story? Morning sickness in a toilet might be gross, but at least it won’t lead to you almost being arrested.