The past five years I’ve been struggling with a monogamous lifestyle. I’ve been happily married for nine years, and I’ve never cheated — or even wanted to cheat — on my husband. We’re both straight and monogamous. No kids. And I love my marriage. LOVE it.
But I can’t deny it. I feel strong pulls to be emotionally, and perhaps down the road, physically involved with other men with whom I’ve developed emotional connections.
I recently told all of this to my husband. He met me with open arms and respects my feelings. I feel closer to my husband because I feel like we crossed over another level of intimacy.
But I don’t know how to sort through these feelings I’m having towards a new lifestyle…
A couple nights ago, my husband also expressed a desire to be non-monogamous as well. And I’m surprised that I’m hurt and confused. He thinks I’m being hypocritical, but I can’t find the words to explain myself to him.
I tried to tell him that just because I’VE been wondering if I fit into the poly-category doesn’t mean that HE gets to be poly by default. I feel like he’s using my recent “coming out” as his new found freedom to explore as well. And that’s not what I wanted this to be.
I’m sure some of you are probably thinking, “She’s just monogamous and struggles with extra-marital feelings sometimes. That’s normal for everyone.” And I would say you’re kind of right. But I feel like it’s more than that for me now. I feel like it definitely started out that way five or six years ago… but it’s something more than that these days.
I KNOW I’m going to get responses like, “If you get to have another partner, why shouldn’t HE get to have other partners/stop being jealous/etc.” And I’m even afraid I’ll get responses like, “Bitch, you’re an embarrassment to the poly-community. You just want an excuse or ‘label’ to cheat… you’re not poly!” And I’m aware of all of this. I really reallllllly am.
I know I’m probably a walking hypocrite and I KNOW that I can’t just go from happily monogamously married to poly-relationship over night and have rainbows and sunshine. But that’s why I need your help. So please, be gracious with your responses. Please don’t assume things of me, and ask me questions instead. I’m navigating through all of this and trying to sort things out in my head.
What are these feelings I’m having about opening up my marriage? How do I not become a hypocrite towards my husband?
Thanks in advance for your advice.
Non-monogamous Homies, what advice do you have for someone just starting their journey?