Bisexual in a straight marriage

Guest post by beccaboo4407
Bi/Bismuth/Bisexual Pin from OhYouFox

I didn’t realize I was bisexual until I was about halfway through college. I called myself an ally, and gladly spent my time learning more about the community and how I could fight for justice. During my junior year, I went to an LGBTA conference, and decided to wander into a session about bisexuality. It suddenly hit me that the session was about me.

Even though I had been immersed in gay culture for that past few years, I couldn’t shake my conservative upbringing. It had been so easy to assume being gay was a choice because I honestly could choose between the two. Walking out of the session, I wanted to cry at how much my old thought patterns still dictated my life.

This was also just over three years into dating the man that is now my husband. It took me a week to talk to him about my epiphany. Coming out to him was as strange as coming out to myself. I ended up speaking in so many circles that it took another conversation about two months later for him to realize that I was actually trying to come out to him. He had questions. I had questions. The biggest question was if I still wanted to be with him, or if coming out was also me realizing that I wanted more dating experience with other women.

Given my current marital status, it’s clear that I decided that I wanted to be with him. Now, almost a year into our marriage, I still don’t know how my identity fits into our life.

We have tried to figure out how to not ignore my sexuality. We make jokes about our various crushes in the movies we see. He is supportive of my lady fantasies. We donate to local LGBT organizations, specifically those involved with youth. I’ve been working to get a GSA network going at the school where I teach. We talk about our gender neutral parenting strategies practically on the daily, just to feel like we’ll be ready for it.

I came out to our immediate family and our closest friends about a year after I came out to my husband. But it’s not something that really gets brought up. I’m with a man, and we look like a very typical heterosexual couple. But despite being as out as I’ll ever be, I feel like a part of me is erased.

The hardest thing is when they forget. I make some offhand remark about how gorgeous Scarlett Johansson is, and they all give me strange looks for a second, before recalling the conversation we had years ago. I knew intellectually that coming out would be a continual process; I just didn’t realize how often I’d have to remind people.

I’ll probably always feel a little like I somehow “cheated” by marrying a man. I’ll always feel like I have no right to complain because of all the privilege my relationship grants. We will always be a work in progress.

In the meantime, I’d ask all of you a little favor for me and all my other bisexual Homies. Don’t assume that every couple that “looks” straight is. Bisexual erasure is a real thing, and until we get to a point in our culture where it doesn’t matter who you like, we’ll always be stuck proving that we belong in the QUILTBAG.

Comments on Bisexual in a straight marriage

  1. feeling your pain.

    i have been ostracised by the local gay community because i married a man yet occasionally date women. i have been told i’m disgusting because i refuse to settle or accept that i’m “selfish.” i have been told by women that they would never date me due to the fact that i enjoy my husband.

    i’m sick and bloody tired of bi erasure. i’m sick and tired of being told i’m wrong, or broken, or sick.

    • Here’s my tip for you.
      I have been with a number of women and men in the past. When I married my husband, I gave up both. I still look, and make remarks, and have occasionally kissed another woman. But I don’t have sex with anyone other than my husband. I got ‘married’ because I wanted to be with him. When straight people get married, they can’t (depending on the circumstance of open marriage) just go sleep with someone else. Most of society will continue to beat you down about it because “open marriages” are still more taboo than being LGBT! Open marriages only work for a few people, most people get married to be with 1 person. I don’t intended to sound closed minded or naive, I’m trying to play devils advocate and explain it from the perception of society. I, actually, have been in open relationships. It is possible, but not for everyone. My husband has opened up to the idea, set boundaries, yet I still don’t want to bring another person into our marriage. I think it was fun when I was younger. And people are allowed to change their minds and perceptions about if they want to continue open relationships. Maybe one day in the future I will choose something different, that’s the beauty of this life! I hope you find you way!

  2. I’m bisexual and have known that my entire life. I never got the chance to be with another woman, and now I’m getting married. I am grateful of this article because I too have felt like I cheated, or will never get the chance to experience that part of me. We’ve talked about it, and as of right now, going outside the relationship isn’t an option for us, but we’ve agreed it might be in the future. Plus how do you justify that? Going outside the marriage to experience your other half while expecting your significant other to understand that this is a part of you you never got to experience and would like to, just so you can feel whole.

    • I feel you on this. I married not quite knowing how I would fit in to a marriage. I thought to myself, “If my husband allows me freedoms to see others then I should do the same and allow him to see others, too.” I see our relationship as one of sharing. We haven’t opened our bedroom doors just yet as we are busy going back to school as adults. He promises to keep an open mind but meanwhile… :/ I didn’t think that a straight marriage would feel more like a straitjacket.

      • I alwawys knew I was straight until grade 9. At sleepovers I would feel uncomfortable looking at my friends lips and changing. At 18, I kissed women at clubs but didn’t feel much or strongly enough so I thought I was straight. I then met a wonderful guy, hugging me gave me the butterflies and he made me feel so safe in his arms. A year later those feelings of noticing other women were still there. I feel I don’t even deserve him cuz I am cheating somehow. I have anxiety and depression from the past dating a guy that left me without giving me reason, gpa and friends leaving, etc. I deserve to be alone cuz of my selfish personality and I will never be normal enough to love someone fully. Everyone deserves a better complete love than what I can give. I have gotten past over the physical insecurity but I still have personality issue where I feel like an awful person to not just choose a side and I should just let him and my feelings go.everyday I see him I want to be with him in future but at same time I am not sure if I am stopping a part of myself by never having been with a girl. I know it will be easier to just forget him but i can’t get myself to do it. I feel like I would be losing someone amazing. I don’t want to choose between finding myself and him but I hurt and live with fear and insecurity of I am not good enough. he deserves someone more sure and secure about who they are. I don’t want to live with guilt confusion anxiety. I sometimes wish if I was just a lesbian then atleast I would not feel anything and he will move on too but I felt for him and I do now too. I just don’t feel comfortable enough in my skin to be able to love him fully. I didn’t even want kids but with him I see him as the right support for us to help me get over my fears . I don’t want to let someone like that go but how long do I suffocate with all this. He knows I am bi but we never went into detail of this .

        • I think you should talk to him and tell him how and what you are feeling. Do not be hard on yourself. You are not a bad person! I often felt like this but I have realized it is who I am. Everyone is attracted to others while in a relationship. You are no different, even if your attraction is to both sexes.

          • Thank you Katlyn. I will see if we can open the relationship a little bit .
            I am not comfortable with that idea yet seems wrong but maybe with his support we can try. So far I am trying not to push away my feelings for him no reason and accepting myself for it. Your reassurance helps ☺️

  3. Feeling this. I’m pretty much in the exact same boat. I didn’t realize I was bi until I was in university, and already with my (now) husband. We’re monogamous, so I’ve never dated a woman or non-binary person and I might never. Personally, I’m okay with that, because it doesn’t change my feelings or my identity. But not everyone agrees.

    I’m not going to deny that there’s some privilege in being a hetero-passing couple (eg. being able to walk around holding hands without being a target of hate), but that in itself is an expression of bierasure, which hurts too.

    I haven’t even really “come out” to my family. Most of my friends know, and my family might have noticed by now (I’m not shy or secretive about it), but I’ve never officially told them. They’re pretty conservative, so I worry about their reaction, and I’m also worried they won’t believe me or take me seriously or think I’m “just doing for attention” because I’ve only ever dated men before, and that’s not likely to change soon.

  4. Yeah, I sometimes feel like I have to stick up for my panromantic demisexual side too, but my husband sticks up for it as well so I don’t feel cheated….I feel blessed. My husband brags that his wife is accepting of all people yet picked him. We do what we can to support the lgbt community and to educate those around us. I talk about my past relationships of women and transgender as often as I recount heteronormative relationships. I have a few people that brush it off as a phase, some who already treat that as norm, and some who are inquisitive but luckily not too judgemental. It’s just a part of you and really in the ideal world no one will react to any of it. Being in a “hetero” relationship should not be what bothers you…but being in a healthy relationship that makes you feel cheated…is. I would’ve picked my husband regardless of his gender. If he comes out to be transgender then I will rally for support. He supports me in all my identities and I do the same….how can I feel cheated when the most important person is on my side.
    Sorry if I sound a bit preachy, but just hope you remember that you are lucky. And your bisexuality is part of you and your husband loves you. 🙂

    • Super late in reply, but I just wanted to clarify that I absolutely do not feel cheated by my partner; I couldn’t have asked for a more supportime guy. The “cheated” part comes from feeling guilty that I pass as straight and get all the societal benefits that go along with it. It’s a bit of internalized biphobia, if I’m being really honest with myself. I love my husband, but my heart hurts that if he was a Stephanie instead if a stephen, I’d have to put up with all the homophobic bullshit that I don’t have to worry about in my relationship right now.

  5. Lately with all the discussion about trans rights, and particularly the idea of people who transition while in committed relationships, I’ve become more and more frustrated with our culture’s obsession with binary sexuality. I’m dating a cis man, I’ve always dated cis men, and it’s entirely possible that’s the only demographic I’ll ever date. But in the interest of inclusion and open-mindedness I’m struggling more and more to identify as straight. Maybe it would be more accurate to say pansexual than bisexual…or maybe just stop using any sort of label altogether? Either way, thanks for this post! We need to be having this discussion to help evolve concepts of sexuality in our culture.

    • Bisexual, as defined by the bisexual community, means attracted to your own and other genders. Using the term pansexual or bisexual to describe this is an entirely personal choice. I’m fine with either term for myself, but I use bisexual more because it’s easier to explain. On the other hand, because people assume it means just attraction to men and women, that can erase non-binary people, but that’s why I like to define the term when I use it. For some reason most people are more likely to accept a redefinition of what they assumed bisexual meant than an entirely new term that they’ve never heard of before.

      As for why I like labels, it helps to find other people I can identify with and form a community. If you don’t like labels for yourself, that’s awesome! I find them useful in my own life. It’s also important to me because of what this article talks about, if I don’t label myself, everyone assumes I’m straight. It’s exhausting to know that everyone thinks of me as someone I’m not. Because heteronormativity is still a thing, I like to have words I can use to counteract that and challenge people’s assumptions.

      • I feel that the term pansexual has arisen due to bi-phobia. It’s part of the erasure. If one is bisexual one will always be bisexual whether they are in a homo or hetero sexual relationship, or with someone who chooses a non-gender binary description. It’s as simple as that. The L&G part of the LGBT group can be filled with bi-phobia. I think it’s partially based on jealousy and insecurity. The common fear of leaving for the opposite gender is a great example of this: would it be any better if I left for the same gender? Why isn’t that mentioned? If I can leave a woman for a man, why wouldn’t I be able to leave a woman for a woman. There was also a time when people used being bi as a stepping stone to coming out. It was safe.

        • I am married to a bi woman. I tend to be very liberal when it comes to sex. She knows that I am ok if she wants to be with another woman. I do not feel that I’m in competition with women as I can offer things a woman can’t and vice versa. I also made it clear that I do not want to do a threesome because this will destroy our marriage. I only ask of her that she tells me when she is going to do it so that I know where she is at for safety reasons. I want to provide support to her because I am convinced that open communication will make our marriage better in the long run.

        • I’m super late to this game, but personally I have always been under the impression that pansexual refers to “all or most” genders/identities, whereas bisexual refers to two (literally in the name itself).

          I identify as queer, as opposed to pansexual or bisexual, for a variety of reasons. The first is as a political statement. The second is that while I am attracted to at least two genders, I also find myself attracted to non-binary and gender-queer folks as well. I don’t use the term pansexual because it doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t use the term bisexual, either, for the same reason.

          So with that in mind, I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to say that pan is an identity used to continue the erasure of bisexuals. That in and of itself sounds a bit biphobic and panphobic. Additionally, there was also a time when it was easier to come out as gay than as bisexual, due to biphobia. If these aren’t labels that works for you, that’s totally fine and awesome, but they work for others and I don’t want to discredit someone’s identity. They are the experts in their own lives.

  6. Even though I knew bisexuality was a valid identity (I bi roommates, friends, and an SO or two) I never connected it to me and my identity until recently. My upbringing was very religious and conservative so I repressed my attraction for women and viewed myself as straight. If you only date guys you’re straight, right? At least that was my thought. I always felt a little weird around women that I found attractive and didn’t understand why I felt so jealous when they spent time with other people. It wasn’t until college that I kissed a woman but I still thought I was straight because I found men attractive too. I finally game myself permission to be myself and admit that yes I am a bisexual woman. It only took me three decades. (Better late than never, right?)

    I struggled for months whether or not to come out because I am in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. Ultimately I decided if I was going to be honest with myself I should come out. I’ve spent most of my life erasing my bisexual identity and I am sick of not being true to myself. My husband has been really supportive and understanding. (Yeah, I kinda knew you are bi was his response.) And the few friends I have come out to have also been understanding. My husband and my sister are the only family members who know I am bi. I still haven’t worked up the nerve to tell my parents or my in-laws. I’m a little worried that my parents will be judgmental and not understand. Coming out is a process and not an easy one.

  7. I get it. I pass for being a cis-woman, married in a heteronormative relationship, but while my husband is straight, I most certainly am not. I totally understand my privilege in this regard. Bi or Pan, not really into labels, but I was always open to love in form.

    It’s fun being able to talk about which women we find attractive with my husband, we have similar taste!

  8. I feel you so much on this. I’m bi, married to a man, and have never dated a woman because by the time I was ready to, I was already in a serious relationship with my now-husband. Identifying as bisexual sometimes feels like cheating – like I’m trying to feel “special” or “different” or “less privileged” – because I can reap all the benefits of being in a hetero relationship. But the fact remains that I am sexually attracted to both women and men. It’s hard to make that part of everyday life without saying things like “As a bisexual woman, I think our third-quarter profits are looking good,” but there are two things that help me. First, I have quite a few friends who are also bisexual women in hetero relationships. Having a group of people who won’t question the validity of my sexuality is crucial for me. And second, my husband and I have an agreement that we can both kiss other people. So I occasionally get to go make out with girls at parties, and that’s nice. Having even a small outlet to express the other aspect of my sexuality is quite affirming, and helps me remember that I’m still me, and I still like who I like whether or not the rest of the world can see it.

  9. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am also bisexual lady married to a dude. Who also didn’t really fully come out to myself until I was married.

    • I think I am in the middle of figuring it out. It is weird. I am married to a cis-man. My brother is gay. And I feel more and more attracted to women.

      I don’t even know where to start, and I don’t know if I should tell my husband. I guess I’ll figure it out. Luckily, it’s only a little bit scary.

  10. I am a bisexual female married to a man. I did not fall in love with my husband because he has a penis, I fell in love with him because of who he is, just like the men and women I fell in love with before him. I have always preferred women to men when it came to our “free pass” list, and I still enjoy looking at women more than men. Women are the epitome of sensuality and strength to me, but my husband is the person I fell in love with and who had the capacity to love me the way I REQUIRE to be loved.

    Having dated men, and then women, and then marrying a man, I feel ostracized by my lesbian friends (whom I miss greatly), and my family seems to shush me when I say that I am bi or refer to ex girlfriends. My husband knows me, he accepts me, and he is completely fine with my sexuality, as it is part of who I am. I will never let anyone shame me, and it also took for me to have the realization that I love men AND women to identify that bisexuality is real, and it is my truth.

    Thank you for this wonderful story 🙂

    • “Women are the epitome of sensuality and strength to me, but my husband is the person I fell in love with and who had the capacity to love me the way I REQUIRE to be loved.”

      Thank you for this.. I struggle to label my sexuality because calling myself bisexual doesn’t seem entirely accurate, but calling myself straight seems even more incorrect. The fact that I didn’t date before I met the man I’m now married to makes it even more difficult to define exactly what my sexuality is, I suppose, but your statement rings true. I’ve long found women to be attractive in many ways, but the person I married, regardless of gender and body parts (which I will readily admit are beautiful and enjoyable), is absolutely the person for me.

      But we still agree that if we ever have a threesome it would be with a sexy lady.

  11. ALL OF THIS.
    I realized in my late 20’s I adore women as much as men. I’ve had the same male partner now for 2 years and he’s known all along and is totally open to me dating other women (it’s actually a turn on for him, not surprising) and other men. The problem is, as open and accepting as he is of me dating others, no one (so far) is okay with me dating him, ESPECIALLY lesbians. I’ve never heard the term bi-erasure until this article but YES, that’s for sure a thing. Having to pick one or the other and pretend half of you doesn’t exist isn’t fun. I understand that dating multiple people is hard enough for partners to understand, let alone when you start mixing genders, but I guess I just haven’t found a way to be okay with stuffing half of myself back away again after just coming to terms with it and letting it out.

  12. I am a little bit on the other side of this.
    My husband was only attracted to boys as a teenager, but never acted on it or came out to anyone at the time.
    When he went to college he found himself also attracted to girls and got very confused. I was his first girlfriend, and he came out to me a while after we started going out – it was also quite confusing for me. My family know (he told me I could tell them at the time so I had someone to talk it through with), and he is now happy chatting about it in random bar conversations with acquaintances if it is relevant to the discussion. His family do not know, although given other bi/gay members of his family they are unlikely to react badly.
    For the first few years of our relationship it was a Big Deal for him: this huge secret that he was frightened people would find out about. Now he says the only reason he doesn’t want to open up that conversation with his family is that it is quite awkward to do so and it doesn’t feel that relevant to his life any more: he hasn’t felt attracted to any guys for a while now and he’s comfortable with the impact it had on who he is (mostly made him more tolerant).
    I would quite like him to have that conversation, partly to exorcise any last remnant of that “big secret” feeling, and also because in the future I want us to be able to be open about our experiences with any children we have, and openness that comes with the qualification “but don’t tell Grandma” doesn’t seem that great.
    I haven’t forced the issue because I respect that it is his decision. He’s been edging towards it: a year ago he came out to some close friends of his family, and recently he alluded to it in a chat with a family member (although no one picked up on it). I do think (despite the paragraph two above) that he will feel more comfortable when that conversation has been had.

    • I’m also married to a bi man (and he’s allowed to pursue male sexual partners outside of our marriage). It’s still a secret from both of our families, though he also sometimes makes comments about it that no one picks up on (because he must be joking, right?). Usually he does this when people make ignorant comments about gay folks, and I can tell it’s super frustrating (and hurtful) for him to hear these things while he’s closeted. He wants to defend himself, but doesn’t want to open himself up to more judgement.

      Like you, I’d like for it to not be a secret, and I also think that openness would benefit our future children. Sometimes I end up in conversations about open marriages, and I want to tell people about ours to defend the concept, but it’s absolutely his decision when/whether to fully come out. He did tell a close friend recently, and it’s been nice for him to just have one other person who knows. I just try to be supportive of whatever he chooses to share.

    • My future husband is bi. Although he dated a few guys throughout college, my parents didn’t meet him until we got together his senior year of college. As far as my parents knew we were a totally heteronormative relationship. Instead he’s come out to them in pieces because we’ve found it to be a really good way to get my extremely conservative family to understand lbgt issues. For instance last Thanksgiving we were discussing blood donation restrictions and he directly asked my parents if they thought he should be restricted from donating. I’d like to think it opens up those conversations now.

    • I’m so glad this article was posted and that there are others out there. My husband is bisexual and I’m not sure exactly where I fall/don’t really know how to label myself. He explored a little in college before we started dating but not much after that. He came out to me about 2 months into dating. I still feel terrible that he never really had a chance to fully explore his sexuality before meeting me. He is free to explore with other men but there really haven’t been many good experiences thus far. He is in the closet to our family members and some friends. Unfortunately even the friends he has come out to do not understand that just because he’s married doesn’t mean he’s magically straight.

  13. Wow, OBH&L is really targeting to my demographic lately 🙂 While I knew I was bi long before I shacked up w/a fella (& I’d had a couple important relationships w/women), I’m also very deeply monogamous, so when we got married, it’s made bi-erasure a real thing in my life. I’m still bisexual, I always will be, it’s part of who I am just like my eye color or my shoe size, even if I never have sex w/a woman again.

  14. This article expresses everything I feel and I am so happy to find I am not alone in this – as not only the article, but also the comment section shows.

  15. Same! I have been thinking of coming out, I think I will do it this year.

    I wonder a lot about what took me so long. I think because I was attracted to both, but men were more conventionally available, and I was always happy and excited and being with people, I never felt robbed of it. Then met my husband and we have been together for the longest time.

    I hate lying to people, but do fear what it’d do to people’s perception of me, but feck it anyway.

  16. As far as I understand the maths, this is likely to be the situation for most bi/pan people – only because on average there’s just more straight cis people around to be in a relationship with than there are people in the QUILTBAG. So at the least, you’re not alone.

        • It’s certainly more friendly than “alphabet soup” as a activist friend sometimes refers to it in jest. I’m going to pass on this term to him, hopefully it takes off in our community.

          I really loves that the U is included – it really makes things more welcome for people coming to terms with who they are.

  17. I’m on the opposite side of this. Bisexual (although I prefer the term queer) and married to a woman. There is a generalized assumption by most people in my life that I am a lesbian. I’m VERY lucky to have many close friends who know the truth but it is weird sometimes. When I’m not with my wife I pass as straight very easily but when we are together it’s “obvious” that I’m a lesbian.

  18. Thanks so, so, so much for this article. Whilst I didn’t think I was alone in this, many of the things you mention I’ve been thinking about a lot and kind of kicking myself, why wasn’t I more honest with myself in the first place, years ago.

    Thus I totally understand the cheated feeling, but I’m with a wonderful male partner who is one in a million regardless of gender.

  19. I’m another bi-girl but for me it is a little different. I have dated women, although not seriously, and I am now married to a trans man. Depending on the day and who approaches us we are either a hetero-normative couple or lesbians. Neither of those are quite true although for my husband’s sake I prefer appearing hetero-normative, we live in a very closed minded area and if he is identified with correct pronouns at a restaurant it is a victory.

    As far as labels go I have always used bisexual but when describing my sexuality I always explain it my attraction to a person has nothing to do with their gender.

  20. In another comment thread on another site, I saw an interesting further parsing of identity into homo/hetero/bi/a sexual/erotic/romantic. So the example the commenter gave was Tobais from Arrested Development was hetero-romantic in that he tended to fall in love with women, homo-erotic in that he probably fantasized about sex with men, and asexual in that he didn’t actually want to have sex with anyone. Obviously there’s fluidity all over the place, but it did help me identify that I’m probably homoerotic, though I’m (mostly) heterosexual and hetroromantic. It’s not something that I feel like I need to come out to my husband or anyone else about, but it helped me immensely in feeling comfortable with my own identity.

  21. I very much relate to this. I’m very aware that because I’m married to a man that it is just assumed most times I’m straight. My friends, my parents, and anyone I’ve dated know I’m bi. Most of my coworkers and other relatives do not. For me there is an added awkwardness that I’m kinky so I avoid discussing my sex life like the plague at work. Even less people know we are monogamish. I don’t feel like I have to share my life’s details with everyone, yet at times I do feel like I’m playing a role by not coming out.

  22. Hiii, so this is me. I realized about 9 or so months ago that I probably am not as straight as I thought I was. Similar to you, I was super involved in LGBT organizations and identified as an ally. I realized when I had a romantic day dream about a woman. Not so much sexual, just romantic. But I have never been with a woman and so I thought that makes it impossible to identify as bisexual. I told my boyf and the way he reacted (so incredibly supportive, saying he felt comfortable with me experimenting) only solidified my love for him. We are still together and still haven’t been with a woman and I still identify in my head as bi, but haven’t come out. It is a hard road to navigate, but it is so nice to see someone else on the same path!

  23. The conservative upbringing part really resonated with me–it’s definitely easier to convince people that being gay is a choice if they are attracted to all genders (Hi, confused bi republicans). Until I realized bisexuality existed (and pansexuality, and the spectrum), I assumed that I was straight and girl crushes were normal, then that I was doing the “holy” thing by choosing to be straight when being gay was an option (yeah, I know…), then that I couldn’t be bi since I was more frequently attracted to men, which isn’t the 50/50 bi suggests, and then finally became educated enough to realize that I definitely fall in the category of bisexual/pansexual. Maybe heteroflexible, but ick, that term. Dear Republicans: I do have a gay agenda–educating youth so that they can know there are more people out there that share their sexual identity and so that their confusion can’t be manipulated to support your backward, homophobic policies. I know my bi, [formerly] Republican, [formerly] small-town self would have benefited from a gay agenda. My current, in-a-hetero-relationship, liberal-as-fuck, in-a-city self would benefit from a lot less bi invisibility and just a more widespread understanding of what bi means. No, being bi doesn’t mean that I want to date anyone other than my boyfriend–I am monogamous first and love him. Yes, when I was single, I would have loved women to not always assume I was straight, and I would still love my friends to not always default to that (I’m not actively closeted from them, but since I didn’t figure out who I was until 22, I’ve been coming out to older friends on an f-it-comes-up basis, which it turns out, isn’t often).

  24. as a bisexual woman engaged to a man who is also bisexual, we have an interesting situation. for him, it’s more a matter of he likes to give pleasure and the body doesn’t matter but it takes a lot for him to be attracted to anyone (kind of demisexual); for me, it’s definite attraction to multiple genders. we both have been with same-sex partners and both deal with the assumptions day-to-day that we’re just another cis-het couple. it’s nice to not only have sympathy, but empathy, from my partner, and we have a great time discussing what attracts us to various genders/people. it does make the process of getting married a little sad or painful, because we are monogamous (it would get ugly to add partners, believe me) and by getting married as any hetero couple can i feel like i’m cheating or not standing my ground in some way. it was definitely a comfort to read this article and know this odd feeling isn’t just mine, but many people’s.

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