What can I say to people who tell me I'll get pregnant if I "just relax?" #I've got a parenting question!#endometriosis#infertility#trying to conceive March 30 2011 | Offbeat Editors offbeatbride Offbeat Home & Life runs these advice questions as an opportunity for our readers to share personal experiences and anecdotes. Readers are responsible for doing their own research before following any advice given here... or anywhere else on the web, for that matter. Photo by Melissa Herman. We received a comment from dzymzlzy on a recent post — how do you respond to people who tell you that you'll get pregnant if you just chill out? My husband and I tried to conceive for a while before I started to suspect I had endometriosis. This was later confirmed, and I am now two-and-a-half weeks post-excision for my endo and am finally feeling hopeful about actually getting pregnant. People love to tell me that if I "just relax" about conceiving, I'll get pregnant right away. How should I respond? Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo PREVIOUS I got over my liberal guilt and got a housekeeper NEXT Why getting judgey about parenting is ok Show/Hide comments [ 71 ] Ask them if they'll pay for the all-inclusive tropical resort and watch the house while you're gone π 4 agree Reply When I was dealing with infertility, my response to questions like that was to heave a sigh and say pointedly, "I wish it were that simple for us." It let people know we were dealing with challenges, without foisting my medical history on them. 5 agree Reply "That's an urban legend. The primary causes of infertility are biomedical. I may get pregnant if I can identify and treat those causes. Thanks for the concern!" 2 agree Reply You can also add: "emotional distress caused by fertility problems or other life events co-occurring with treatment will not compromise the chance of becoming pregnant" based on this 2011 research article. 1 agrees Reply "I really appreciate your support, but it's really frustrating for me. Can you imagine trying your best to achieve something that you really want and well-meaning people around you are giving you all kinds of advice on what you SHOULD be doing?" "Thanks for your advice." "I wasn't asking for advice, just expressing my frustration. If I need some advice, though, I'll be sure to come to you!" I like Ariel's sigh and "I wish it were that simple." Lets them know that they should probably back off without being aggressive about it. 2 agree Reply I just hate this statement. It is sooooo insensitive. It only comes from people who got pregnant easily, too. A doctor once told me that one has to be extremely overwhelming stressed to affect ovulation month and month in such a way that ovulation might not happen. Normal run of the mill anxiety and worry won't do it — the ovulation day might move around a bit, but it won't be that extreme. Also, getting pregnant DOES require action and it requires action and specific times. "Relaxing" in the tub with candles and a glass of wine and a magazine won't do the trick — unless you are well fertile, your partner is well fertile, and it is one of the magic three days, I guess! 3 agree Reply Well said. I've a history of not getting my period or having it be long off from stress, but I would never assume that the same was true of other women. It is definitely a much more complicated area. Though relaxing in a nice bath is a good idea regardless π 1 agrees Reply I have always had uneven cycles and my body is really impacted by stress. Right now, my husband and I are technically trying, but right after I had my IUD removed, my Father in Law's cancer became worse, and three days ago, he passed away. I really think that the reason I haven't been able to get pregnant is because I have been so stressed out with this and some other emergencies, especially given that my husband and I did have a statistically improbable pregnancy occur early in our relationship. This isn't the case for everyone, and I would never tell someone to just relax, but you also can't control major life events and stressors. Sometimes, in situations like mine, you just have to be patient and ride whatever wave life is throwing at you. 1 agrees Reply i'd gently reply that it is not the issue without giving details. it doest help that an exeriment was conducted recently in which women undergoing ivf were made to laugh and relax. this increased the sucess rate. it reinforces the idea that relaxing somehow will treat infertility even if thats not the problem. 1 agrees Reply As someone trying to get pregnant and dealing with male infertility issues, I know exactly how this person feels. Mostly you want to sucker punch those people in the gut and tell them to kiss your ass. No one knows how hard infertility is until it happens to them, and people ALWAYS think they know the right method of getting pregnant, or saying "It can take over a year to get pregnant"… great. The fact of the matter is, you want to get pregnant above all else, and calming down when you're pumped full of hormones (or just dealing with the sadness of getting yet another period) is really FRICKIN' hard. I prefer to either a) not tell people we're trying, or when they ask say "we're working on it" without sounding exasperated, or b), explain that there are medical issues that you are dealing with that are preventing you from achieving pregnancy. My husband isn't exactly a fan of promoting his low-sperm count to the masses, so that keeps it a little more private while discussing an incredibly personal and emotional issue. Option c) sucker punch or yelling, but that just might encourage them to remind you to calm down. Assholes. 3 agree Reply Lol! I like the sucker punch idea! 2 agree Reply Tell them to "fuck off". Oh what? That's not the mature answer? Well, that's certainly what I wanted to tell people every time they suggested it in the 15 months it took me to get pregnant. I don't have any better suggestions for you but I sure hope things work out for you soon. xo 1 agrees Reply Those were my thoughts exactly! Either "Fuck off" or "Really?! Oh my gosh, I'd better go home and call my medical team to fire them all!" Unfortunately I don't think that would save any personal relationships, but it's a great fantasy! 1 agrees Reply As far as a response, I suggest the heavy sigh above. It's a great way to let people know that it's *not* that easy. I wish there were a tactful way to express the frustration experienced as a result of the implied blame in the "just relax" statement. "Just relax, you'll get pregnant," implies that you're doing something wrong, and that you have control over whether or not you're pregnant, not to mention dismissive of your feelings and frustrations involved. 1 agrees Reply My husband and I have been trying for 8 months since his vasectomy reversal surgery – it's slow-going this conception business for us over 35 year-olds. Everyone seems to have some unsolicited advice on what the trick to a quick conception is, including the flippant, "just relax". I have recently begun stating that while we appreciate the concern and support, we prefer no advice on what we should or should not do. Most folks understand that it's private once you set a compassionate boundary. 2 agree Reply Jo I can totally relate to you-my hubby had his vasectomy reversal done Dec 2009 and after we got married in June 2010 people assumed because it was granted a success initially we would get pregnant though "it takes time-relax and dont try to hard" were common responses-i kick myself that i didnt listen to my gut feeling of getting Ian retested sooner,and maybe frozen some, as when we decided to go to our gps in Jan this year we'd left it too long and scarring has occurred-and now theres nothing getting through. We're about to start ivf. But again few people can understand truly unless they've been through it. But Jo-if in doubt go back and get it retested,dont leave it like we did.Best of luck for us all :)x Reply All the advice given here is really excellent. I like Ariel's short and sweet but very pointed response a lot. I used something pretty similar during our 3 years of trying when I didn't want to get into it, but wanted to be clear that it was not that easy. When there was space to go into something a bit deeper, I would tell people that it's really hard to "just relax" when you know that something that is very important to you may be out of your reach. In this day and age of "dream it and it will come true" mantras, it can be hard to get people to understand that "letting go" isn't necessarily the answer, but I found a lot of people would respond by taking the time to digest what letting go of a dream would mean for them and quitting with the "just relax" attitude. For us it was also male factor issues, and yet I don't think anyone ever told my partner to "just relax" that advice always came to me. Since my state of physical/mental affairs had little to do with it, I found that extra frustrating. One of my closest friends was going through fertility troubles as well, though hers was due to her wife's endometriosis. They often got the "just relax" advice as well, which is even more frustrating when accidental pregnancy isn't an option for a same sex couple. If it helps, and I know sometimes it doesn't, they did just have a positively rockin' little dude earlier this year after successful treatment for her endo. He is truly the bomb. 1 agrees Reply Oh lord, thank you for this. I'm looking forward to reading the responses. I have been getting this from everyone. I started my journey to conceive by charting immediately, because that's just the type of person I am. I don't wait until there's a "problem" to do my homework. Everyone has equated that with "stressing out" about conception. Just because I'm excited about our decision to have a baby and just because I'm already educating myself by reading books on pregnancy, birth and parenting, does not mean that I'm stressing out. Educating myself isn't stressful; it gives me peace of mind. 2 agree Reply Liz- Have you read taking charge of your fertility? it's been a life saver for me over the past 8 months. I use TCOYF.com and fertilityfriend.com to chart… yep, i chart twice. This calms me, it doesn't make me more stressed! 1 agrees Reply Yes, I have and I love it! If I have a daughter, she'll be reading it the day she gets her period for the first time. I really believe that the information in it is so valuable that it's CRIMINAL that parents/communities/doctors don't explain more of this information to women. It's the reason why I didn't wait to start charting. Thanks! π 1 agrees Reply There is a teen book by the same author as Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I can't remember the title, but I think it has Cycle in the title. 1 agrees Reply You know, I started with the same logic you did – charting before starting to try to conceive. We were extremely lucky not to have issues, but that was why we didn't tell ANYONE we were trying. Not sure what we would have done if we had had fertility issues, but the fact that I didn't even want to tell people I had started charting because I was worried that people would tell me I was overreacting. 1 agrees Reply I love that you said that. My husband and I have only been trying for 4 months to get pregnant but I was so excited that I started charting right away. I want to know what my body is doing. Sure I would love to have gotten pregnant immediately but I am by no means stressing out over it. Its only been 4 months. But any time I talk about it people respond with the "I think you probably just need to relax and it will happen…" Really? Because it funny that I am not already pregnant because I wasn't feeling stressed at all about it. I always want to respond with " Funny, I wasn't feeling stressed. Until now.. now YOU'RE stressing me out. you should leave.. QUICK. Wouldn't want to mess things up for me by standing here aggravating me." lol. If only it were that easy. 1 agrees Reply I agree with Ariel, completely, especially if the insensitive speaker is not someone close to you. This reminds me of a dilemma I currently facing, where I badly want to avoid committing a similar insensitivity. I am having a baby myself in two months, and though we got pregnant easily, we put off trying for a LONG time due to financial difficulties, etc. Consequently, I completely understand how hard it is to watch friends have the baby you are so badly yearning for yourself. I remember having feelings of resentment towards those other lucky mothers that made me feel even worse about myself and my situation. So finally to my question… I know that two friends are having a hard time conceiving after trying for over a year, and I really don't want to hurt them in any way. Is it kinder not to invite them to the baby shower, etc, so as not to "rub it it"? Also, what can I say to this wonderful couple to express how sorry I am for their troubles without coming off like an insensitive jerk? Reply I would invite them. If it were me, I'd feel left out and snubbed; as if my childlessness was causing me to be left out. While we were waiting for things to fall together, I loved spending time with all my friends and acquaintances who had babies so I could play with them. It helped ease the ache for me. They may be different, but I say invite/include. 1 agrees Reply Thank you for asking this! I am in a similar situation, I'm pregnant, didn't have any issues getting this way. I have 2 older friends who are both trying. 1 has been trying for almost 2 years, and the other has just begun but suspects she might have a hard time. I am constantly checking myself so as not to say anything insensitive to them. I almost feel guilty sometimes, I just don't want to hurt them or bring up painful feelings. With all that said, I would still invite them to a baby shower because it might hurt worse if they felt left out, or felt like I was trying to hold back from them or something. Reply As someone on the opposite side of this (my best friend is pregnant, we're still trying) by all means invite them. A friend should be HAPPY for you and if their fertility struggle is becoming too emotional, then it's up to them to graciously decline. I'm all-a-squee for my best friend, can't wait to meet her son and be a part of his life. I hope your friends feel the same for you. π 2 agree Reply My suggestion is to include a note with the invitation (or say it to them, if the invite is in person/on the phone) saying something like "I feel like it might be tough for you to attend a baby shower when I know you really want to be pregnant. I wanted to let you know that I'd love for you to come to the shower, but I understand if it's too hard right now." I think that walks a fine line between sensitivity to their feelings and respecting their autonomy as adult women with brains and hearts as well as (currently empty) uteruses. π 4 agree Reply Please do invite them – I can totally see where you're coming from, and that you don't want them to feel like you're having a baby parade up and down thier street, but if you don't invite them it will feel to them like you've hung a massive sign over them as outsiders. You might also give them the wrong impressions, that now that you're baby people you can't invite them as non baby people, or that thier current lack of baby is shameful or unbearably sad to you, or that you don't trust them around your children not to steal them (yes, some people do think that way!).One of the saddest parts of infertility is when you get left out of all of the baby stuff, or theres an awkward silence after a friend reveals the happy news and you're in the room. I agree with Jordan – give them the option, let them decide if they want to come. 1 agrees Reply Thanks, everyone for your advice. I'm glad to have the support and suggestions. And best of luck to everyone who is trying… I know it is so hard to wait/wonder/wish for it to happen. Reply What surprises me is that I get this comment all the time–and I'm married to a woman! Clearly if we just 'relax' nothing is going to happen in the baby department, and yet people keep telling us that that's what we need to do. My mother in law was the best when she told us to 'leave it in God's hands.' I appreciate the sentiment, but seriously? We're going to need to get in there and help things along a little. So far staring at them like they're insane isn't working, so I might start using Ariel's sign response for a change… 1 agrees Reply You could tell your mother in law that you don't really want to raise the next messiah. Although that's probably not helpful. I'm really sorry you're dealing with that, but I admit I snickered at that one. I study religion so I have it on the brain. 1 agrees Reply Bwahahaha! God's hands?! I wonder how much biology your mother-in-law has taken? π 2 agree Reply I'm dealing with the same thing right now and whenever someone says that to me I just feel like screaming and crying… 1 agrees Reply "We started out trying to get pregnant in 'just relax' mode, and that didn't work, so we're trying a new approach." 1 agrees Reply I like the "we're working on it" but I'd add after that "now lets talk about YOUR sex life!" if you're feeling a bit snarky that day. I always enjoyed that when people would ask us if we were trying to get pregnant, etc. I don't think they make the connection that they're asking a really personal question about your sex life. When people ask if my sister and I planned to have babies at the same time I always responded with "yes, every time I think about having sex with my husband, I call her to make sure she's thinking about sex with her husband. That way we will hopefully line up!" 3 agree Reply It seems to be that the general public knows little to nothing about actually conceiving a baby. They just have unprotected sex and it happens. For some of us it is much harder than that and unfortunately a lot of people don't consider what you might be going through before opening their mouths. My husband and I tried for almost a year and people kept telling me the samething! The month before we conceived I found out I have PCOS and was going to my Dr to be put on Clomid when I found out I was pregnant (I'm now 19 weeks!). I would ignore the comments and not let them affect you. Do your own research on infertility and work with your doctor!! Not everyone's going to understand what you're going through but please know you're not alone….more woman than you would think deal with these issues and eventually end up with healthy pregnancies and little babies!! Good luck! Reply "Actually, you need to just have one sperm fertilize one egg…but that's not always easy." I've never dealt with this, and it sounds like it's past this point, but we've already decided that when the time comes we will not tell anyone that we are trying. Granted, we've also agreed that if we can't get pregnant without intervention that we will adopt (or maybe adopt anyway!), but either way we are not seeking medical intervention. I think our thoughts would be different if we felt like IVF or any other procedures were an option for us that we were comfortable with. You can't exactly hide something that takes up that much of your time and effects your health like that. 1 agrees Reply I once had similar thoughts- if it doesn't work out, we'll adopt. Then I found out how much adoption costs. And how emotionally complicated it, too, can be. Then I found out my insurance covers infertility treatments (I know this isn't the norm, I am grateful) Then I found out how absolutely positively wonderfully exciting it is to carry another living being inside you. And how devastating it is to miscarry it. All I want right now is to relive that joy I felt in getting pregnant. I never in a million years would've expected I'd feel this way, but I may consider other avenues I'd once written off. Reply I'm not a mom, and I likely will never be one, but I love reading offbeat mama posts! I had one of my ovaries removed in an emergency surgery, and 6 months later I am still not ovulating due to some serious damage and scar tissue left on my remaining ovary and tube. I'm actually completely cool with this. Maybe I won't always be, but I really resent people jumping down my throat that, "I have one left, it'll work out." Or that I should be in serious distress over my lack-of-birthing capabilities. Well if I wasn't doubting my female-ness before, I'm certainly wondering now. Some people just really don't think before they speak. 1 agrees Reply I watched the sex and the city movie when it first came out – about halfway through the film one of the main characters gets pregnant after years of trying (and adopting). She sighs and trots out the old cliche "my doctor said sometimes when you just relax……" After the film I pointed out to some friends how ridiculous that was, but the answer I got back was 'well…it is that way isn't it?' I think that most people outside of the infertilosphere genuinely think that's true, and want to pass on thier secret tip. I don't think they realise that they're effectively saying 'it's all your fault you can't get pregnant you stressed out person'. I'd just respond, with 'that's an old wives tale' 1 agrees Reply I can't respond for "most" people, but a lot of us outside the infertility sphere have the common sense, manners, and just general scientific knowledge to know that reproduction is about a LOT more than just relaxing, and that every person's situation is different. I'm not trying to accuse you of judging, I'm just saying that I'm sorry you've come across a lot of people who seem to not quite understand that things don't always just snap to it and work out via your own will. That sucks! 1 agrees Reply The thing is, sometimes it DOES work that way. Of course, it probably has a lot more to do with luck than relaxing, but it happens often enough that people will trot out the anecdotal evidence – with out bothering to think that for ever person who just had to give up, there are tons who had to have IVF or never managed to conceive at all. Yes, there are women who manage to get pregnant after giving up on trying (and believing it will ever happen). There are also women who NEVER manage to get pregnant whether they give up or not. But no one says "So hey, you know how we stopped trying to get pregnant 4 years ago? Well guess what? We're still not pregnant!" 1 agrees Reply Make a bingo card like the one posted on offbeat mama for those who are childless by choice for all the stupid comments you get from people and keep it in your purse, when someone makes a comment, pointedly remove it from your purse and check a new one off, of put a little tally mark in the box. It would be rude, but satisfying. I made such a bingo list for the stupid things people say after you graduate and you are stuck with a) no job or b) a really shitty job. I sent it to all my friends and they use it regulary π My sister is not "trying" but not-not trying (how she and I talk about it) to have children with her husband and my mother is all kinds of insensitive about it, which makes me scared because my partner and I are going to jump on the "unsafe sex train" realll soon and we don't want interference… 1 agrees Reply It's hard to have an understanding for those who don't seem to be understanding you. You should know though, that those people probably mean, "I'm so sorry that it hasn't been easy for you." A lot of people don't know how to communicate and offer advice, suggestions, or downplay it with happy thoughts without realizing they're offending you. I think it's safe to say these folks with the wrong words just want you to be happy and they're trying to leave you with positive thoughts. 3 agree Reply We avoided those kind of comments entirely by not telling anyone, not even family, that we were trying. My in-laws were dying for a grandchild and if they'd known we were trying, the questions would have been non-stop — even still, we always got asked "when are you going to have a baby" to which we always just said "sooner rather than later." It took us 9 months to conceive and though it felt like forever at the time, I also recognize that we were really lucky. Best of luck to you! 1 agrees Reply This was also the approach we took, and it worked great! No unwanted comments or questions. However I can see how at some point you would need someone other than your partner to talk to about your frustration. Reply man……. i appreciate you acknowledging this annoying comment. i also had medical reasons for not getting pregnant…FIBROIDS IN UTERUS. After surgery and some fertility help- i have a beautiful 18month old son. YOU WILL GET PREGNANT!!! Reply I am an IVF mom to a bouncing 16 month old girl, I wish you the best of luck! I have to admit some of my stress was relieved once I got into the IVF world, because I could finally prove to myself that it wasn't my fault- nothing to do with diet, acupuncture or my uni binge drinking ways. "Just relax" is so frustrating. I agree with many of the posters above, a little more with the sucker-punch plan. : ) 1 agrees Reply Ask for medical/scientific reports that back up their opinions. Reply I've had two miscarriages, and almost every single person I've told invariably says 'Well, at least you know you can concieve'. Yes, that's true, but what I don't know is if my body can successfully carry a baby to term. To me, it seems like there are more solutions for people with fertility problems than there are for women who miscarry, so knowing that I can concieve is small comfort. Unfortunately now, it's taking us some time to concieve again (after two very easy conceptions that ended in the miscarriages), so I'm now getting the same comments about just relaxing and suggestions about going on a holiday. If I was a more private person I wouldn't have to deal with it, but having our close friends aware of these major events in our lives does help us to cope. 1 agrees Reply ((HUG)) I'm sorry. Reply Ugh. I also miscarried after getting pregnant relatively quickly and now we've been trying for what feels like forever with no luck. I feel you. Knowing you can get pregnant, getting pregnant, and having a live birth are three very different things. Reply "I'll relax when the stick has two lines, thanks." It took me 6 years to get pregnant. I "tried to relax" for 4. Then worried and freaked for 1, and then gave up. And I'm still not relaxed, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, a whole new stress popped! Unless you're one of the few lucky 100% Zen, there will be stress days, crying days, meh days, free days, all kind of days. 1 agrees Reply "Unless you're one of the few lucky 100% Zen, there will be stress days, crying days, meh days, free days, all kind of days." This is good advice for pretty much everything! I feel like it's hard to keep in mind when you think about a big life change–having a baby, getting married, starting a new job, moving to your dream city–but when you can manage, everything is easier to bear. Reply After 2+ years of TTC with DS, I just learned to say thank you very much and move on. In the beginning I would go into how it really was harder for some people than others and believe me we've tried to just relax and let things "happen on their own." Reply I think the most difficult thing about the phrase is that it can come from anyone – not only did we hear it from family, friends, and strangers, but birthing centers and midwives that meant well but were surprised that we hadn't even started trying to conceive at the time and we were already interviewing people. "Oh, you aren't even pregnant yet? Don't worry, just relax and have fun, and when it happens call us!" I know they didn't mean to be insensitive because they were all very helpful people that meant well. I responded with a "thank you very much, but being active in seeking out my pregnancy choices puts my mind at ease more than anything else ever could." I did have those crying days, those 'omg not another period' days, and it didn't help that people loved giving advice. Best thing to do for me was every time I heard that dreaded phrase, I would change it in my mind. So instead of "Just relax" I would pretend I heard "Just be patient with yourself as a human, it's the best thing you CAN do." It made me feel so much better. Instead of the long drawn out sigh and frustration, I would actually feel better and smile. 1 agrees Reply Lord, that hurts, doesn't it? I'm glad you asked the question–99% of the people who asked me this were well-meaning, but didn't have a frame of reference in their own lives for being sub-fertile. They didn't know how badly comments like that hurt. Maybe we would all do the world (and future sub-fertile couples) a service if we gently said, "I know that comes from a place of kindness in your heart, but you should be aware that comments like that can really hurt the person you say them to." And then maybe use Ariel's "it's just not that easy" to follow up. More people need to know that it isn't okay to give advice. 4 agree Reply I'm sorry. As a person who would possibly say something along those lines, it isn't intended as being an obnoxious comment. My husband and I have a hard time understanding people with infertility issues because for us pregnancy was so sudden. After getting married we stopped using BC and POW, preggers a month after I came back from another country (and it's taken us months to feel kind-of okay with the idea of having a baby). I think that in many cases it's simply not understanding the situation with your baby making troubles, or your feelings about wanting a baby and feelings about the infertility troubles themselves. I know I personally (especially as an outsider) have trouble understanding your perspective on all three instances, and if you were a friend I'm sure that it would be different knowing about the struggles you have and how you felt about the whole thing. Reply OMG, is that the most obnixous comment or what! My husband and I miscarried last year, and since just tried to regain ground and hope. When we started not avoiding pregnancy again, people would ask all the time. "Are you pregnant yet?" When I replied no, their response is always. "Well just relax, nature will take its course when its time." Thank you, your words are just the thing I needed to rememeber to relax! What would I have done without that little nugget of knowledge!? Reply WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT RELAXED?!? (bonus points if you can get your eye to twitch while you say this) 4 agree Reply While i'm not suffering from fertility problems(that i'm aware of) i was diagnosed with Graves Disease a few months ago and it isn't safe for me or a baby for me to get pregnant until i'm further along in my treatment and i'm desperate for a baby and i'm constantly getting asked "when are you two going to have a baby?" One person even said "so who is it out of the two of you is trying to stall in having a baby?" i'm getting sick of having to explain it to everyone. Reply This comment sucks because the insinuation is that you, as the woman, must be doing something wrong! In our case it was the bloke who had low sperm count so we had no other option but to do IVF Which worked for us the first time! I'm 19 weeks up the duff after two years of "trying" to relax!! And I wish I had ariels comment up my sleeve at the time because the comment when directed at be left me feeling I was sucker punched! The other typical comment is "so when are you two going to get around to having kids, isn't it about time?" to which my friend suggests replying "what makes you think I can?" that usually leaves people speechless! Reply I tended to be blunt, and it was usually enough to even get an apology out of them…. "We've been classified as infertile after two years of trying, relaxing won't do anything that we haven't already tried." Being up front about our infertility made people really think about what they were saying. 1 agrees Reply For me, it probably helps that I'm a doctor and feel comfortable talking about it, even my own medical problems. I get all technical on them and explain the issue causing the infertility, and conclude with something like "So you see, relaxing really would provide no medical benefit." 1 agrees Reply Yes! This is perfect http://www.theonion.com/articles/just-when-couple-finally-stops-stressing-about-hav,19990/ Reply Grrr I hate that comment. Here's what I said… Like most people, we started out relaxed, so if that was the answer I would be pregnant right now. Now we are on the longer more difficult journey to parenthood. Reply You could always try the out of my face version, ie: I know! But no matter how many times I orgasm… LOL sorry, I know Crass. 1 agrees Reply My husband and I have been trying to conceive since we got married, two and a half years ago. On top of the usual "just relax and it will happen" comments, we also get "you're so young, don't worry" which I hate because if we can't concieve at 20 and 21, then why in the world shouldn't we worry?! With endometriosis on one side of the family, and mystery infertility on the other, it makes me want to pull my hair out. Reply I just started trying to get pregnant (went off birth control at the beginning of November). But it won't be easy for us because of my horribly irregular periods. I feel lucky that I have great doctor who is taking a more active approach and instead of waiting a year to see if anything else is wrong, she is checking now. Now I haven't told anyone that we are trying because I don't want the comments and questions. (I have a friend with PCOS, so I've seen how bad it hurts when people constantly bring it up. I usually just stick to asking how she is doing and feeling because I know the hormones really mess with her.) But I let it slip around a different friend that my doctor and I are doing tests to see if they can regulate my period. She assumed that that means we are trying now. And because I didn't seem pregnant within a month of telling her that (she got preggers within 30 days of chucking the birth control), she now constantly asks me "How are your fertility problems coming?" in front of strangers or mutual friends who don't know that I have a irregular period. And as much as I try to tell her I don't have fertility problems, it's just an irregular period, and we are not actively trying right now (cause we aren't charting quite yet, I'm a little afraid too), she won't quit calling it "fertility problems" and telling me I just need to relax and it'll happen. Oh and telling mutual friends who are pregnant that I might be jealous of them cause I can't get pregnant, so they shouldn't talk about it in front of me. Ugh, I just don't know what to say anymore. Reply I hate it when people say this to me! Especially people who had no issues with infertility to begin with. I just say "We're trying." If infertility were as simple as just relaxing then this multi-billion dollar fertility industry is an amazing scam. Reply Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Subscribe me to your mailing list No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.