My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for five and have two beautiful children whom we adore. We function really well as a family, and have a healthy supportive household.
….However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards him.
I have had a terrible past with abuse and relationships ending in heartbreak. I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn’t want me — as the chase is what really turned me on. However, when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart, because I lost trust in my heart, and made a decision based on my head.
I’m not attracted to my husband now…. but was there ever a physical attraction?
I did find him really attractive our first date night when I met him — our eyes locked, and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and, in a way, I saved him. He has been my rock and I have completely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful, and happy within myself and my achievements.
However… I have not been true to my feelings, or honest with him that being with him has always felt wrong.
Since the first date night, my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. When he asked me to marry him I felt in the pit of my gut that it wasn’t right.
On our wedding day I almost felt sad, but I listened to my head and not my heart. He became my best friend, my companion, and the perfect father. It’s hard to explain, and you may wonder why I married him. I just thought that I could do without the spark… even though I’m not attracted to my husband anymore, I thought that the love alone would grow with quality time and physical intimacy. I thought our emotional connection would translate into a physical connection.
Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and more of a lack of attraction.
And now I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t stand him on a physical level — I don’t like his smell, can’t stand kissing him, all his little habits annoy the hell out of me, I can’t stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can’t smell him… The list goes on.
Needless to say, he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. Although we are emotionally intimate, our sex life is non-existant
I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years, and it has been weighing on my mind heavily.
I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if I’m in this for the long haul — if I’m willing to live without sexual attraction and chemistry — or whether or not we are going to just be friends.
We agreed on an “in-home separation” and, amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable, and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However, I still can’t decide what to do!
I think the reason why I have been sitting on the fence for SO long is because of how much my husband and I have going for us.
We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well. We have similar love languages. We’re both good human beings.
We are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team. However, unfortunately, this hasn’t changed how I feel. There’s just no passion.
My husband and I have already talked about the possibility of being apart. We have already agreed on all the co-parenting fundamentals, finances, support, putting children first, sharing duties, bringing the kids up under the same roof, etc.
And then I start asking myself the questions…
Is it possible to co-parent and still function well as a divorced family?
Do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children? How can I teach them about honesty when I’m not being honest about my own marriage?
Do I have unrealistic expectations about how long term relationships and romance work? I mean, can you be in love with your spouse for the long-term or is it okay to not have those types of feelings? Do I just not understand how to make a relationship work?
I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need sexual chemistry to survive. Am I asking too much to have the sexual intimacy, as well as the comfort of friendship? Are you better off being single than with the wrong man, if it means being true to yourself? We can’t afford couples therapy, a counselor, or a psychologist.
I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle.
Want to read the update to this post?
Six years later, here it is: