Comments on I’m not attracted to my husband: Marriage without chemistry?

1. Oh man, that’s a tough one! I’m not in the same boat, but what I will tell you is what I ask myself when I wonder if I’m in the right marriage. “Can I live the rest of my life without X?” Do the journaling, therapy, soul searching, whatever it takes to find your real answer. Only you can find the answer you’re looking for.

   For what it’s worth, you may want to try couples therapy or a marriage retreat. Maybe just being honest about your lack of feelings will help you work through them.

2. Good for you communicating your feelings. My mom did not and was miserable for 44 years of marriage before my parents finally called it quits. Granted, my father was not nearly as much of a partner as your husband so it’s not quite the same situation, and therefore take all I say with the proper grain of salt.

   There’s not much co-parenting to do for a 30-year-old, but I can attest that, should you decide to split, staying friends or at least friendly after an amicable split is entirely doable. As for if this happens with small children (I’m now speculating and not speaking from experience) it seems to me, like any other closely intertwined relationship of any type, communication is key. Make sure you remain on the same page. Of course, that’s true regardless of if you split or stay together.

   Make sure the kids are kept on the same page too. Most important: I caution you to complain about your husband to your kids. As a pre-teen (when my parents marriage really started going south) my mom and I would have bash-sessions about my father when he wasn’t around. I grew up thinking it was normal for mothers and daughters to compare notes and complain about the husband/father of the family almost like it was an inside joke how inept and obnoxious he was. I still have trouble valuing my father’s abilities and not thinking of him as inept to this day. I should also point out, my parents did not have a horribly dysfunctional marriage. My dad wasn’t abusive. They didn’t have screaming matches or really even fight much at all (that I was aware of). They just weren’t right for each other.

   To sum up, at the end of the day do what makes you happy. Communicate about whatever arrangement you have with your children’s father. Don’t talk down about him a bunch to your kids. Good luck!

3. Just split up with the father of my kids about 5 months ago. We have three small children and are starting to successfully coparent. We had a physical attraction initially but not much else. I have never really had a healthy relationship and have had a past similar to yours.

   I feel like chemistry is important and you should definitely go with your gut. You kind of always knew it wasn’t going to be quite right, we need to learn to trust our instincts.

   Once I started to feel better about myself, my relationship seemed less and less right for me. I hold hope that I will eventually find the right partner for me, but hopefully someone else can comment about how realistic that is.

   I am actually now quite happy on my own, much happier than I was in the relationship and the kids seem to be doing much better also.

   The happier you are the better for your kids.

   • hi, i dont know how to start writing my problems .even i dont know how i feel co related to your condition as i am yet single and going to marry soon.there is arrange marriage .everything is so perfect except my inner feelings that strongly recommend me not to get marry.as i feel that not being professionly sucessful yet marriage will bring more obstacles for me.i feel i am going to be tied in any unwanted relations.

     • Hi! So you’re having an arranged marriage? I would highly suggest listening to your gut feeling. It doesn’t matter how “perfect” the guy is, if you’re not truly in love with him and your heart is telling you not to go through with it, then don’t. Break it off before you go through with it. Otherwise it sounds like it may lead you to years of unhappiness. Even if you’re family is pushing you to do this, you have to ask yourself what is more important; your happiness or theirs?

       • Don’t do it. I’m living in a marriage without attraction. It will slowly kill you. Please listen to your heart.
         Lisa

         • I absolutely second (or third) this sentiment! I too married someone (wonderful man) I wasn’t physically or intellectually attracted to and it can lead to lots and lots of issues.. I am living proof… the underlying resentment..little to no desire for sex..and the worst (cheating).
           It is so so hard… because you want to “do the right thing” and not be shallow… but I will tell you if there is ANY doubt whatsoever, do not go through with it.

4. Something worth looking into, which may or may not affect what you ultimately end up doing, is if you’ve lost all sexual attraction or just toward your husband. When I was married, I thought I had just lost my libido, but it turned out I was on some medication that was messing with things. The marriage ended anyway, but finding out that I wasn’t just uninterested in sex helped me sort out my feelings toward my ex.

5. What about exploring alternative relationship models? I’ve never been a fan of the idea that one person needs to fulfil another persons each and every need. It’s a lot to demand of someone, especially if your needs grow and change over the years. What about an open relationship?

   Or figure out what your priorities are. Can you live without the physical attraction if all your other emotional needs are being met? If you were in another relationship with physical attraction but didn’t get one other thing your current partner provides, would that be better? Or worse?

   • Good point.

6. You are not alone AT ALL. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and have an infant. I had a similar experience to you, I felt that we were roommates. It took about 2-3 years to get there.

   About halfway into our relationship we explored an open relationship and it worked for a few years. I had the healthy, stable life at home and a fulfilling sexual life with another man. Everybody knew and it was consensual.

   However after a while I realized that I wanted it all in one relationship, I felt it wasn’t fair for me to be in a marriage where I wasn’t attracted to my husband. The spark that I had with my partner and that he had with his wife 24/7, I wanted that for myself. At home, with my LIFE partner.

   Though my husband said he didn’t mind and was happy and in love with me, I thought it wasn’t just about me… he deserved to experience a healthy, relationship with someone who was interested in fun, sexual relationship with him. I was tired of the lack of intimacy in our relationship sexual and eventually emotional.

   We are still together and I find myself asking them same questions as you: are my expectations for marriage to unrealistic? Is this how things are supposed to be…and am I ok with it? Is this something that we can gain back?

   I know now that getting married was a mistake but at the time it did feel right…sort of. I still have not decided but know that you are NOT alone.

   Good luck, whatever you two decide.

   • Wow. I am in this same boat as you but just a year or two behind you. Exact same issues. I figured attraction would fade anyway and wasn’t that important. I thought my love for him would grow and so would the attraction. I never doubted getting married but on our wedding night, I didn’t want to have sex. I’ve wanted it maybe a handful of times throughout our now 12 year marriage. We opened our marriage over a year and a half ago. He’s had a girlfriend for a while but after 6 months she moved away. They still chat but only plan to see each other once or twice a year, in the meantime he’s still been looking and hasn’t found anything. I struggled at first but finally found someone about 6 months ago. I’m realizing I want that all in one relationship too. But we also have 3 kids together, all still in elementary school. I’ve been going to therapy trying to sort things out. Then we will go to couples’ therapy. But I’m just not sure how we will manage this going forward. Not only am I not attracted, I have realized in the past 3 months or so, that we really have very little interests in common. We share common values and are great raising our family together. But I’m starting to see our retirement and it scares me. I don’t know what we’ll do together or talk about. While we’re still young enough, I wonder if we should separate and each find someone who makes us happy. My husband, crazy as he is, says he is happy and doesn’t want to separate or divorce. But I feel he deserves someone who appreciates him as more than a partner for running a household and wants to be intimate with him.

     • Hi! Together for 13 years, married for 7 1/2, 2 young children. I am not at the open marriage thing with my husband yet, but have been considering it for about 2 months now and subtly dropping hints. I am finally off all pill/pregnancy/breastfeeding hormones and am getting my libido back BIG time (especially around ovulation) and I find that I am crazy attracted to so many people. I started directed all of this energy towards my husband at first, but he has not reciprocated with the same energy, passion, and emotional intimacy that I have brought to our sex life lately. And even though I’ve been working on all of this from my personal perspective (trying to change/love/grow myself) and have finally told him all of my feelings that I’ve been hiding for a while, I now feel zero physical attraction to him. I am attempting to really look him in the eyes and be present with him, but I feel like he only looks back at me objectively and almost pitying (like i’m weak and helpless). But I feel strong and powerful and he’s just not seeing that in me. Do I continue just claiming my strength and stop worrying about how he sees me and just go on improving my life from within me or do I give myself the freedom that I feel I deserve?

     • I’m in the same situation as you. I don’t have an answer to this. I think most married couples aren’t really in love. I only stay with my husband for our child, the financial security and someone to be there for me if I get a flat tire or something. There is no chemistry. In fact, I feel repulsed and annoyed by him most of the time. I fear that if I leave him I might be happy for a little while bit will find myself in the same situation with someone else but I’ll be broker and my child won’t have two parents. I often work late just so I don’t have to go home and be around my husband.

7. Whoa….wow…what about open marriage. Let him get his u get urs. Not fair to him that ur not into him..thats ur issue not his. U get whatever it is u need.. u were wrong for wasting his time but im sure u liked the bennys of a great guy.. its a shame for both of u…just know u cant have ur cake and eat it too…u want him for the perks…but u want ur bad boy too…u cant help who u are…goodluck with all that. Lol

   • This is an asinine remark.

   • Don’t let people shame you with ridiculous comments like this. Must be nice for them that they can’t relate. Millions of women can! Including myself. I mean, how did we all end up on this page? Including the person who wrote this (and the 3 women who clicked “like” on it)? I smell some rats.

     • Umm….not sure why u have issue with my comment…would u rather i just being simpathedic towards your situation…hey i get it u arent happy…but ..thats life..if u arent into him then u are also mistreating him also..he deserves to be someone who is in to him..not sleeping in some other room …so im sorry im calling u out dear but its all about u..good luck with all that…

       • Not everyone agrees with that (an open relationship) but there are some people it works well for. I am in the same boat and it did not work well for me as I would develop emotional feelings for the person i was intimate with. We (dh and I) have been together 21 years and have 2 children, but it hasnt been without extreme heartache and abuse and distrust. To each their own.

         I have been in therapy, taken meds for depression and read tons of books (this book was by FAR the most useful!!) even thought about becoming a sex therapist but that still wont help my relationship with my husband, and it sucks to feel this way 24/7. There are reasons to leave and reasons to stay. Either way you have to decide what works and what doesn’t and get out of limbo so you can stop feeling guilty about it.

       • Why people have an issue with your comment is because of your lack of empathy. Your tone is one of preaching at a woman who has reached out for help in s spirit of honesty. Compassion even if you don’t agree with someone goes a long way. Otherwise you are not helpful, just hurtful because of your own issues.

         • If the commuter had actually read the Original Post properly, he would had read that I USED to go for bad boys when I was a young 20 year old. I am now a 40 year old woman who has completely different taste and learned from my mistakes. Thanks

8. No one can tell you what to do, unfortunately there is no easy answer, you have to decide if you can be fulfilled in this relationship. If even his smell is upsetting you, is it because he actually disgusts you, or is it a symptom of resentment that you may have for feeling like you are missing out on something? This post also makes me wonder can ‘chemistry’ be learned? Have you considered sex therapy? I do believe you can have a successful relationship without chemistry, however, I feel that you would have to be fully at ease without the chemistry in order for it to work, otherwise it will build resentment; as it seems to be doing for you.

   • This is exactly where I’m at. Ten years married, no kids…largely sexless marriage…friendship and the fact that he is a wonderful man have kept me what I thought was content all this time. Most of the advice/literature out there is helpful, but really pertains to those who actually had an attraction/passion/feeling of being in love from the start. What about those of us who never went through any of that with our partner?

     I’m having a terribly difficult time deciding what to do. I married my husband because he is good as gold and I thought it would be shallow/carnal to toss out a good man over a lack of physical/sexual attraction…still sorts feel this way. But I am craving a deeper, richer connection. Part of me wants to try to hang on and “save us”….but then part of me says I’m gonna have to go (or just continue to settle) , as those components were missing from the beginning. He is my best friend, we have traveled, have financial means, and I know he loves me deeply. I just don’t know what to do… so tired of agonizing over it.

     • Did I write this? Seriously…I could have written this. It is agony. The thought of hurting him is unbearable BUT I need to set him free so he can find someone who can love him in ALL ways. I actually have to say something tonight.

       • Sending good vibes your way! It is SO HARD. I have had a preliminary conversation with him, but haven’t gone too deeply just yet. I am so petrified of hurting him. But I know I need to sit down with him & have a deeper talk after the holidays. I just don’t know that I can hide from my truth much longer and so unsure how to break this to him without absolutely killing him. Good luck tonight with your talk. Xxx

         • I’m in a similar situation; mine is different in that my husband hid the fact that he is a sex addict and cheated on me with escorts and massage parlor workers for the majority of our marriage. We’ve only been married for 3 years, & didn’t have sex at all for the first 2. (We’ve only had sex a few times during the entirety of our marriage, although sex before marriage wasn’t bad.) He said it was due to being stressed out and depressed. When I found out the truth, he said it’s something he’d been doing his entire life, & he’d hoped no one would find out. He felt like a monster that was out of control. He’s been to therapy; I can tell he’s truly remorseful. I simply no longer see him the same way anymore. I’m not attracted to him at all. It’s been a year since I found out, & my lack of attraction continues to grow. He’s trying so hard to “fix” this mess. I just no longer believe it can be fixed. I’m 36 & he’s 32; we don’t have children, but we’re heavily financially entwined as I own a small business. I’m tired of going over it my head constantly. I look down at my ring as if it’s some sort of chain keeping me from freedom. Aside from the cheating, he isn’t a terrible person person & I know he cares for me. Finding decent, intelligent, attractive, gainfully employed men isn’t easy. Perhaps being alone again won’t suck as much as I imagine it will in my head. I know I can’t go on this way forever.

       • I feel EXACTLY the same way… Part of me is incredibly relieved to know I am not the only person/woman struggling with this. On the flip side, I absolutely hate the idea of breaking his heart and splitting up my family. He would gladly stay with me and settle for no chemistry. Why can’t I be ok with it? It’s so excruciating! I have tried everything but asking for a split.. I’m so close though. This GUILT.

     • OMG This is me. I have only been married 2 years, but we’ve been together for 6. No kids. I don’t think I’ve ever been sexually attracted to him. But he he SUCH a great guy and loves me more than anything. And I love his companionship. I am craving sexual chemistry and intimacy and if the opportunity presented itself, I think I would cheat. Which isn’t fair to him, but I also don’t want to break his heart with divorce. I don’t know what to do.

       • Yes this is just so hard. I will say be thankful that you have realized this earlier on into your marriage- not that it make anything any easier. Just harder and more complicated to leave, if that’s what you choose to do. And be very careful…because you’re right about the cheating if given the right opportunity. Unfortunately that’s what happened with me and was the catalyst… the realization that something was seriously amiss for me.
         Now I’m stuck in the same boat- I am terrified of hurting him if I choose to leave and/or tell him about the affair I had. I feel as though I have to decide if my heart is in even trying to take our relationship from that of a “friendship- based marriage” to something more connected and real. He is such an amazing man, but I am so unsure… I’m trying to just take my time and really think/feel my way through.

         • I am so grateful to hear you’re going through a similar experience. I have not physically cheated on him, but I have emotionally which was definitely the catalyst to realizing all my feelings. Idk what to do

       • Yep… I think that’s how it starts for many. You know something is not quite there- but can’t put your finger on it. Then one day it shows up and it all makes sense. (It did for me at least). My affair began as an emotional connection as well.. we talked for quite a while before spending time together in person. I never had intended on it going any further.. But once we spent some time around each other , I knew I was VERY attracted to him not only emotionally/intellectually but also physically. I knew I was in trouble at that point. Especially hard to turn away from when your physical needs are not being met within the marriage. I know that’s why I stepped over the line and cheated. And I will tell you it is so hard to break away once things get physical. Not trying to frighten you here- but something to be mindful of. Sending good vibes & it’s comforting to know you’re not only one going through this. I’ve been grateful for a judgement-free zone.. and have found myself far less judgemenal of others marital/relationship situations after experiencing my own struggle.

         • I am very grateful for this judgement free zone and knowing others are struggling. I wish someone would just tell me what to do because I am so unsure of what to do. Do I try to stick it out and work on things with my husband who is an amazing man? Or is this something I can’t fix because my heart wants something else?

         • Right there with you. I will tell you what my therapist told me (I went a couple of months ago by myself).. she suggested maybe taking a trial separation. Especially if I felt that my heart may not be into working on things with my husband. She mentioned that taking that space might give me more info toward the answers I’m seeking. …which is exactly where I’m at currently.

           I’ve been really exhausted with
           work lately and I know I’m not operating from a calm, centered place at the moment. So I’m going to give it a few more weeks or so and then consider… taking a break or seeing if I am feeling in my heart that I want to start to try to work on things.
           I hope that helps some! It may or may not, but could be a place for you to start. Xxx!

       • I could have written this myself, although we don’t have many similar interest or things in common but I marrieds him after a tumultuous relationship n he was everything my ex wasn’t n I knew he would always take care of me n our future kids- well guess what, he didn actually do that so now I’m with someone who has let me down n that I’m not attracted to but everyone tells me he’s a great guy m a great dad n I’m not denying that but I want to come home to a man that I want to put my kids to bed for n make out with- I have made out with my husband in years n the thought weirds me out. I told my mom it’s like my weird cousin is trying to touch me, I cringe. I’ve told him I want to separate n he is pretending it never happened. I’m scared I’m going u cheat but I feel like I’ve given him so many chances to face the facts here so would it rlly b cheating? We have 2 young kids n before getting pregnant with my second I decided I wanted a divorce- than found out I was pregnant the next day. I’m rambling I’m sorry, but god it’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one- I’m wondering Alex what the update is on ur marriage today? Can u give any advice now that it’s 2 years after posting this article?

     • I am in the same situation. I was raped in college and never dealt with it. Literally pretended like it didn’t happen and had no clue about it’s emotional impact..totally repressed it. Married the safe, good guy that I “forced” myself to like after getting out of a toxic relationship. The first time we kissed was so bad, but I just ignored all of my feelings about it being off sexually. We’ve had a decent sex life, but have an anxious/avoidant pattern in our marriage and I just totally lost all attraction to him. I didn’t even realize how my needs to connect intimately sexually were so repressed until I found myself in an affair and it rocked my world to actually remember how it felt to want to kiss someone. I’ve been in so much therapy trying to figure all of this out, and I feel like I have to go or I will never have a chance to find that connection again. My fear is that maybe my rape trauma affects me more than I realized and I will never be attracted to someone available that wants me? Or was it just never there with my husband and there is hope that I’m not so jacked up intimacy wise that I’m destined to be an old cat lady. I have to hope that I’m in a place where I can be sexually attracted to an available man. It’s so confusing, especially with kids and a life together and knowing your lifestyle is going to massively change financially if you leave.

     • Your marriage is an exact replica of mine. I am torn too..leave my husband bff or divorce? I keep having emotional affairs with guys I’m attracted to. This last emotional affair, the fourth one in the seven yrs of marriage, has practically killed me internally with all the turmoil. I keep imaging myself with this fourth crush. I am trying to get to know him so it’s just not only sexual. I fantasize of us being together now all the time. I just don’t know what to do? Is it too much to ask for a husband you are also attracted to sexually? It’s my husband’s physique I’m not attracted to.

       • Ohhh man.. I’m very sorry to hear you’re struggling too. I will tell you that emotional affairs very often go physical… unfortunately I know from experience. Exactly how mine began.
         It’s been a while since I last updated on here.
         I am completely right there with you… i have actually tried to work in our marriage and improve the aspects that could be improved. But the underlying issue is still there- the lack of attraction. We still don’t have sex very much at all… maybe once a month. And it’s usually pretty bad. I’m with you on not being attracted to his body. My husband is very nice looking but has just not really watched his weight as well since we got married a decade ago… and try as I might.. nothing really works or motivates him. I just can’t get sexually turned on by him. I am certain this is what made my emotional affair turn physical- I was SUPER attracted to my partner and his body. Like crazy attracted. On top of already having a strong intellectual and emotional connection.

         • Hi:)I am so glad that I am not alone. I have been agonizing about this for years. We started out dating online and had so much chemistry online. But then we rushed into the relationship pre-maturely and now 10 years on, no kids, sexless. He is the best person I can imagine too. I am also agonizing about it. But after reading everyone’s post here, it has given me some perspective. As much as I love him, without the emotional intimacy and connection as we had online ,I can’t continue a relationship where I will end up resenting myself. As a post earlier said, if you can live without the chemistry and have no resentment, then you would be ok. Anyways, I’ll be here for you.

     • Hi:) I feel exactly how you feel. I am so glad that I am not alone. I have been agonizing about this for years. We started out dating online and had so much chemistry online. But then we rushed into the relationship pre-maturely and now 10 years on, no kids, sexless. He is the best person I can imagine too. I am also agonizing about it. But after reading everyone’s post here, it has given me some perspective. As much as I love him, without the emotional intimacy and connection as we had online ,I can’t continue a relationship where I will end up resenting myself. As a post earlier said, if you can live without the chemistry and have no resentment, then you would be ok. But if you find yourself feeling the pressure and stress whenever you sleep with him, as hard as it is, you have to let go. For your own sake and for his as well. I’ll be here for you.

     • Hi I am experiencing this too, would love to chat to another woman in same boat, would be happy to exchange a way to chat if your interested.

       • Hi, I would love to have someone to chat with. Married for 15 years to a wonderful attractive man with two kids but the chemistry is not there. I have met someone else and think I have fallen in love with him. Really have no one else in my life who understands so I would love to communicate some way.

         • Hi Beck, id love to chat with you i am in the exact same situation, almost. How can we connect??

9. Only you can know for sure what to do and you are wisely taking the time to think before acting. Something in your post rang a bell though.

   I recognise very strongly the “being attracted to people who don’t want me” thing. For a long time I couldn’t understand why I kept having the worst luck of continually falling for unavailable people, people with complex issues who meant they couldn’t commit or just people were with other people.

   I was totally blind to the way that I utterly discounted anything that didn’t have that drama, that for me it wasn’t love unless there was longing.

   When I met my wife what was very odd for me was that there was no drama, she was totally available and we could just get on with it and give in to our desires.

   This makes it utterly unlike any relationship I’ve ever had and therefore it’s continually new ground. I’m nearly 8 years in and I am still adjusting to a lifetimes warped view of what real connection actually is!

   I think chemistry is very important but I think it’s different every relationship and it’s not even the same throughout a specific relationship which is why using whether or not there is chemistry right now as a decider can be so slippery.

   You asked for another angle so here is one, I think sexual chemistry is very important to get things going but what keeps things going is emotional intimacy which is fucking hard and which sometimes actively works against sexual chemistry (as does fear).

   However when things are balanced, when both partners are getting the space they need and life isn’t throwing to many shit bombs (ie an occasional occurrence not everyday service) emotional intimacy actually starts fuelling that sexual chemistry that got things going in the first place.
   I think this happens in cycles though which can sometimes be very long and that’s when the fear can set in and make it worse/longer.

   The only person who can know if you are on a cycle or whether it’s stopped completely is you but it may take a bit of debris clearing and attempting to re-start the cycle before you do for sure. Good luck!

   • This is very insightful! I think there’s definitely a correlation between emotional intimacy and sexual chemistry. It can be hard to balance the two of these things once you start throwing kids into the mix, etc. My husband and I had much more sexual chemistry before we bought a house, got pregnant, and ended up with all these other real “adult” stressors. We have to work at our sexual chemistry, but the emotional intimacy thing is still there.

     OP, you’re not alone. Thanks for sharing your story!

   • I agree with all of this, I would only add that it seems like the OP never really had much in terms of sexual chemistry with this partner to begin with, and that seems like a big red flag from the start. Admittedly, she has an unhealthy attraction to unavailable and unstable men, so I don’t know if pursuing her heart is necessarily the best decision. I would suggest individual and couples therapy before making any decisions. Sounds like she has a good life, and an amazing family, and it would be shame to disturb that because of destructive impulses, but on the other hand, no one should have to live a lifetime of unhappiness.

     • Agreed- if the issue really is that she can only be attracted to “bad boys” then that’s something therapy needs to address before she’ll be able to find any sort of good, chemistry-ful-and-also-healthy relationship. Might as well do that first just in case this already good one can be saved.

   • Yes, definitely! I find the times that I’m actually into sex and enjoying it mentally as well as physically are when I am emotionally open and connected to me husband. If not though, it’s similar to the OP in that I don’t want any of the intimatw kissing or cuddling. Just the physical release and then leave me be.

   • I agree with this so much, but I’d never thought about it this way before. I went through a phase of wondering if I should stay with my husband because I had no sexual feelings towards him. I knew that I loved him, but I felt no desire for him. I got into a cycle where I felt angry at him and he didn’t understand why. Recently things turned a corner, I managed to let go of the anger and allowed myself to be emotionally intimate with him again. The immediate difference in our relationship was really quite profound, I realised that I had been blaming him for my lack of attraction. After I allowed the emotional intimacy to grow the sexual attraction followed and I am now in a relationship that feels as fresh as it did when we first met. I came so close to throwing that away because I had got myself into a rut and I am so very glad that I didn’t.

     • It’s a complex relationship between emotional intimacy and sexual chemistry for sure! I think you can lose sexual chemistry when the emotional intimacy lessens but also you can lose it when there is an excess of it too, when the partner you are intensely emotionally bonded is to, is almost over familiar.

       It’s not as simple as only new things are sexy and exciting but there is no denying that a shiver of lust and shiver of the unexpected often come together. It’s hard to get that spark going when most of your interactions are (unavoidably I know) about daily chores and always take place in the same location too. It’s also not as simple as adding in a date night will solve your problems but changing things a bit can do loads for breaking old habits and working out if they are just habits or real problems. I did once read a great piece of advice about trying to see your partner differently, in different places, like meeting them at their work, if practical, and seeing the whole other side of them you don’t usually have access too. I have to confess I love occasionally meeting my wife at work and seeing her walk across the lobby in her work persona.

10. I’ve found sexual chemistry with my partner of 12 years to ebb and flow. We’ve gone YEARS where I really wasn’t interested in him sexually, as in: we rarely had sex and I didn’t enjoy kissing him, and then found myself becoming attracted to him again. We’re in a high-attraction phase right now, and we have fabulous, regular sex. Sometimes it is related to medication, or hormonal imbalances, and sometimes it is because we’ve grown apart psychologically. Also, our tastes evolve over time. I’m changeable when it comes to turn-ons, and I go through phases where my husband’s “look” (handsome as he is) just isn’t what I want at that time. So we both go without for a while. That’s how we’ve decided to deal with the issue, openly and honestly, and still stay married.

    The thing is: Marriage is about a lot more than just sex. There’s no law that says you have to want to have sex with your spouse. You and your partner have to negotiate what role sex is going to play in the relationship; as long as you agree, everything and anything is possible. Sex with each other, or other people, or no sex at all–these are all fine. They don’t mean your marriage doesn’t “work” unless you aren’t on the same page.

    Is it okay to be in a completely attraction-less marriage? I have no idea. That’s for the individual to decide. Is it realistic to expect yourself to be sexually attracted to your partner consistently for 30+ years? No. Those relationships are unicorns. If you leave the marriage because that’s what you want, you will be disappointed. Hopefully, the pair of you can come to an arrangement that suits your family well and makes you both sexually and emotionally satisfied.

11. I completely understand. Been there. Done that. So I am thinking maybe you outgrew your relationship or maybe in the beginning it was a stabilizing event in your life and security was perhaps a huge factor. Husband. Home.
    Career. Savings. Positive credit and reputation. Family.

    These are treacherous waters to be swimming end. No matter what you chose to do there will be a huge price.

    I was in a similar situation. We made great roommates and parents but I was not attracted to him any more after 18 years and 4 children. He turned into a monster. The last thing he did from his death bed was to stiff me. He was very industrial practicing PAS therefore I have not had any relatiinships with my children in the past 20 years.

    So I advise a different approach in your endeavors. Be warned though anger is a secondhand emotion. The original emotion is anger. There is no way to bypass the inevitable. Sorry.

    I kept myself in a similar prison. Reguardless of the fallout, it was a must for me. I look back today and I realize I was alone and lonely all those years.

    We were awesome at co parenting, school functions, holidays but under all of that civility was his rage over rejection.

    Just know research and seek help for what the fallout will be. If he has pensions make sure you are the irrevocable beneficiary and you have an air tight QUADRO in the divorce degree. Things get really hard as one reaches their 60s.

    Peace and Grace.

12. I believe you can have a marriage without intense chemistry. Because for me too, chemistry equals intense head-exploding lust for the wrong kind of guy. I have never had this with my husband, possibly because we grew up in the same circles and he was my friend for several years before he asked me out (while I went through a string of abusive, drug-addicted, or in one memorable case gay (but deeply angsty back then before he figured it out) boyfriends.) So there was never a WOW intense beginning. Just a “let’s try this” moment.

    I am attracted to him, but I do have to fan the fire, if you will. Sex is good and satisfactory, but he definately has a lower libido than me. And he is NOT the very dominant bed-partner I sometimes want (which translated into generally not-good people out of bed). This is not to say he is not a good lover, just that sometimes he’s not exactly what I need. But I am quite aware of this, and have an active fantasy life and like was already pointed out, urges ebb and flow. The compromise is well balanced by the rest of our relationship and definately worth it.

    He is and always has been my partner and friend before we added the benefits. We’ve been together eighteen years, got married after fifteen.

    All that said, I don’t think what you are expressing is lack of chemistry. If his every move makes your hair raise, that goes beyond lack of chemistry into disgust. I think you need to find the source of why he’s bugging you just by existing.

    Like anon put it, I am getting vibes of resentment too. Is he working too much? Is he not putting full effort into your couple (letting go of your marriage too easily without a fuss) Are you feeling unconsciously less “good” (don’t know how to put this) because he’s got it all, he’s Mr Perfect, successful, a good father and it’s still not right for you?

    There is something therapeutic about being rightfully angry, especially if you have a past seeing yourself as a victim, and he’s not giving you that oppurtunity. You will have to put on your bitch-panties and take responsability if you decide to break up your family and that’s tough. He’s forcing you to make the decisions, and he’s being fucking agreeable and reasonable too.

    (Gosh, Does any of that ramble make sense?)

13. I haven’t been in the same situation as you,but from what I can tell, yes, you have unrealistic expectations for marriage, to be blunt. By your own admission, your husband is perfect in every way and he is your best friend and co-parents. This is the best thing for a marriage. Don’t blow it up just because you want to feel the rush of being in lust again. Lust is often confused for love, but will not make a stable marriage. I am concerned you are starting to fall back into the same old destructive habits. You should definitely explore why you are starting to despise your husband so much. Medical changes, hormonal? Some therapy is undoubtedly in order, both for you yourself and for you as a couple. Hopefully you can pin point those issues and work to counteract them. Then hopefully your marriage counselor can also work with you to better appreciate and possibly love your husband in a way both you and he deserve.

14. Have you thought about multiple partners?
    I myself am not polyamorous but maybe somebody with more experience in this arena can chime in?

    • I was in a polyamorous relationship for 5 years. The thing with polyamory is that it isn’t for everyone. I’ve got friends who identify as polyamorous and say that it’s the best thing that ever happened for them. I personally felt like a closeted monogamous person in a relationship style that didn’t suit me, and I’m very happy to be in a monogamous relationship now.

      I can see why polyamory would seem like a solution to this situation, but I don’t feel like it would be the best idea. What if OP finds someone she has AMAZING chemistry with? What becomes of her husband? Is he going to cope with continuing a relationship with her whilst seeing her be truly fulfilled by someone/s else? Will he fell like an outsider in his own marriage? (This is why my poly relationship failed.)

      If OP finds other partners that fulfil her sexually, will she feel satisfied enough to reinvest in her relationship with her husband? If her relationship with her husband is already complicated and unfulfilling, adding additional partners will just make it much more complicated.

      You can’t fix an unstable house by building another floor on it. You should only expand a stable house when you (and your present partner) feel ready to welcome more people into your lives. I personally think OP needs to ask herself whether she truly, in her heart of hearts, wants to continue a relationship with her husband, or whether she’s allowing logic (he’s a good husband/father) override her feelings again. Once she has the answer to this question, if she feels that her desires and needs are as important as the needs of her family, and whether she wants to continue this marriage at all, then she should decide what action can come next.

15. I can’t imagine splitting a two parent family with children up for anything short of abuse or infidelity. He may not be your dream sex partner, but you have presented him as an ideal father.

    • As the child of an extremely dysfunctional couple, filled with anger and resentment and manipulation who stayed together “for the kids” and because of Christian ideology, I can’t agree with you. Everyone in my family would have been MUCH much happier if they’d just been honest and split. We were kids, but believe me we knew there was no love between them.

      • I totally understand your example here. But there are more kind and gentle ways of couples staying together, in many ways, for the kids that aren’t connected to any christian ideology, or any ideology really. Especially while they are young, people can be motivated by the love that their children have for their families, and by putting romance on the back burner for the sake of stability for and commitment to their children.

16. I have no advice, I just want to say that I relate. I almost walked out before my wedding because everything was horrible and some days I wish I had. My husband isn’t the perfect partner you make yours out to be and we have no children, and I see a lot of red flags I wish I hadn’t ignored because I sometimes think I should never have married him. But I don’t have the guts to tell him how I feel. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see other people and sometimes I even casually mention giving him a “hall pass” because I just hate having sex now. I feel so guilty all the time. It’s a mess.

    • I urge you to explore your options now. Divorce without kids is usually just a simple splitting up of property. If you are this miserable, you don’t deserve to stay this miserable just for your partner.

17. I’m 31, have only been in the following relationship 5 years but I do have a psychology degree. Here are some thoughts.

    What you said about self-esteem problems struck a cord with me. I have had some of the kind that meant my teens and early twenties were mostly spent pining over men I didn’t dare give any indication I was attracted to.

    When my now partner asked me for my number the first time he met me and later claimed to have fallen in love with me at first sight.

    Asking myself “Do I like him back?” was a baffling new experience. Like you, I can’t fault him for personality. I don’t have conventional taste in men so I know I can’t rely on other people to tell me if he’s attractive. In fact why should anybody. He’s provided me with support and helped me on the way to a more functional life. That’s the most a lover can do for someone with emotional problems.

    When I’m depressed and anxious I’m a loser who just wants to believe a plain, unexceptional man is an amazing conquest because she has nothing else and he’s so going to get fat this year.

    When I’m happy I have the Benedict Cumberbatch lookalike of my dreams who treats me right and I can face the future with.

18. Oof. That bit about the pillow in your bed really wrings my heart — I want to give you a giant internet hug. You say that you’re not really sure what you want to do. I would observe that when you’re in the habit of thinking that what you don’t want sexually doesn’t matter — or maybe even more than that, when you’re in the habit of thinking that’s it’s wrong to expect other people to respect and understand what you don’t want sexually, figuring out what you DO want in ALL other areas of life is just considerably harder. You have a lot of different options ahead of you – but I suspect that all of them will work better if you expand your vocabulary in boundary setting. I do have a specific book I’d recommend a chapter from – Barbara Carrellas’s ‘Ecstasy is Necessary’ has some explanation of and different exercises for creating and respecting ongoing, evolving sexual boundaries in non-charged ways that I think is great, and I’ve found extremely helpful. If not that particular book, I’m sure there are other good resources for that out there that probably approach boundary-setting from a more serious therapeutic perspective. If it were me, I’d start there, before anything else. Good luck, and much love to you in your journey!

19. Can I ask a weird question? Are you, or were you at the beginning of your relationship, using any sort of hormonal birth control? There’s evidence that messing with our hormones can affect the way we read chemical signals from mates. I think that’s how I ended up in a mostly-good-but-somewhat-chemistry-less marriage, personally. Once I went off birth control I became less and less drawn to him.

    • Wow! This comment here is a actually a profound concept for me. I was on depo shot when I hooked up with my male roommate for the first time. Now we’ve been together for 16 years. Married with a 7 year old and I have to force myself (wine and weed, plus lube) to feel attracted enough to have sex with him but I’m attracted to other men. I haven’t been on birth control for years.

20. Companionate marriage? It’s basically what you have now, except you both know you both sleep with other people– how much or how little details you share are up to you. You keep everything going well, and outsource what’s not.

    • Perfect answer
      That may work or a while
      Then could possibly either make you appreciate what you have with your husband and realise most men are just horny selfish pr**ks; or you could fall in love with someone who may not feel the same; or become bitter and resentful towards all around you.
      Either one could cause serious mental anguish and other mental issues such as depression, anxiety…
      When children are involved…. complicates matters and makes it more difficult to leave the family unit.
      The road is long and bumpy……

21. I was once in a relationship like this – although we were not together for long. I started dating this woman after being single for a very long time. I was desperate to be in a relationship. Very quickly, I knew we were not compatible. Almost everything she did made me mental. She embarrassed me in public, she dressed slovenly, she odd mannerisms. I even found her dog annoying and I am a DOG person. For me, this dynamic came down to power – I had it all and she had none of it.

    At one point she asked me when we could move in together. Given that lesbians generally move in after the 2nd date, the fact that she had to ask the question was telling. I said, maybe at a year. I got a card from one day that stated: “only 267 days to go.” I threw up and broke up with her.

    In healthy relationships power ebbs and flows. It seems to me that you have all the power. You say that your husband is fine with either outcome. I doubt that’s true. I am sure he’s invested.

    Now, I could be totally wrong about your situation. In the case that I am correct, I don’t know if there is any coming back from this kind of situation. How can you be with someone when you can’t stand his mannerisms and smell? The other thing is that you and he make think everything is fine on the surface and your kids don’t know but they know.

    I think taking some time figure things out is good. I would also see a counsellor. I wish you good luck and I really hope it all works out in the way that’s best for you – because that will be what’s best for your kids.

22. It is awful to live without chemistry and it is tied to your happiness and the happiness of your kids. I try to sustain myself in other ways while my kids are young. For me, the kids are the glue in marriage. When they are young, I want to give mine an intact family. I want to enjoy the many aspects of family life and give this to my kids. These are their ‘wonder years’. Childhood is an experience unmatched by any other phase in life. It is our responsibility to our children to make life as whole and connected as possible. I don’t have chemistry with my husband, but I am still going to enjoy my life, have fun with my kids, and as a whole family, even though the romance aspect isn’t great. If we can have fun as friends, then I think I can survive it with him until my kids are older, more logical and less innocent. I want to do this for my kids….It is disappointing, it can be sad sometimes, but I don’t have some wonderful romantic option in front of me either. Maybe it is just not the season in my life for that. But seasons change, kids grow, and there are different possibilities for the future. And then, in the future, I can look back and know that I gave them some positive understanding of an intact family. I do want them to know the togetherness and warmth of family and their traditions. I do want romance, but mostly, I want to be happy, however I find that. For now.

    • I’m you, fast forward 10 years. I had angry parents in a bad marriage and so I was desperate to create a ‘wonder years’/ ‘this is us’ childhood for my kids. I loved my hs/college boyfriend but he didn’t want commitment (or me) so DH comes along and he’s a nice guy. My now husband says he even knew on our honeymoon that I wasn’t happy. NM that, onward with my agenda. MY agenda. Jobs, nice house, kids, dog, great schools, sports. MUST achieve all this. In some weird way, I wanted to one-up my own mother just to show that I could. I got away with friends twice a year and that helped sustain me. Never wanted to go away with dh though. Here’s the cautionary tale: 3 kids; 1 in college, one about to go to college and an 8th grader. I don’t think we can hang on for much longer. Nearly everyone (Christian/ Catholic circles) hates me for this. Things are bad now and kids DO suffer lack of authenticity, especially on the part of the mother. More PRE marital counseling is needed. It’s is the biggest decision and puts weight on EVERY other decision in your life. People live longer. Women have sex drives that really DO rev back up when we’re not taking care of little ones 24/7 and we’re no longer ashamed to admit it. I ended up having a months-long emotional and one-time physical affair with old BF during separation. The guilt nearly killed me. How I wish just ONE person would have asked me if I was truly and deeply in love before we got married or even if I loved spending time/ traveling with him. That’s a flag on the field, too. We need older, wiser women to talk to us, too.

23. I think some time has passed since you posted this… But I want you to know that I felt like I was reading my own story. I don’t have a history of abuse, but I was raised being told all men were sex addicts… So still a pretty warped view. I’ve been with Mr. Safe for 17 years. Married for 13. (God. Can it be that long?) Monthly cycles make me go from “able to tolerate” to feeling repulsed and deeply trapped.

    I knew day one that I was getting married to a man I didn’t have chemistry with. I was foolish enough to think that would change. It has only gotten worse. The problem is that we are really both great parents. We are both far too practical to bother living in two houses. Going back and forth for the kids etc… is silly. But I can’t stand him. I mean… I can if I really work at it. If I’m meditating and consciously holding my tongue. But really? Everything he says to me, the way he dresses, how he spends his free time, his stupid jokes… All of it makes me feel trapped and depressed. Angry too.

    I get it. Stay because it doesn’t make sense to leave? Or leave and no one will understand why it makes sense.

    I can tell you that I’m a happy person in every other aspect of my life. But spending time with Mr Safe and I feel like Malificent. I am hiding in the other room right now. I can hear him having the most amazing conversation with our kids. I appreciate him so much as a father. As I provider. I feel like I owe it to him to stay because he (somehow) feels like everything is fine. I feel like I owe it to his parents and even mine. I certainly love the idea of making it easy on the kids, but the reality is that the effort it takes to stay could be used for so many other things.

    So no. You aren’t alone. Thanks for sharing so I could feel a little bit more normal.

    • Thank you for this. In many ways this is exactly how I feel and it makes me feel less alone. Why does it have to be so messy and difficult?

      • I feel like this is exactly how I feel. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and married for three and have a three year old with one on the way. To be blunt the attraction is gone and I don’t even want him touching me or breathing around me so much I fake having a stomach ache a lot of the times. Though he is an AMAZING father and a great supporting husband I just don’t think I want it/him anymore (and still not sure how I got pregnant because that department is rarely open). But I feel like his parents and mine would be devistated if we split and I would be blamed for breaking up a home. Although, no one knows how one feels or how one can truly be happy. I know only yourself knows how you truly feel and what will truly make you happy and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I just don’t know what to do. Stay and be miserable in hopes that the attraction will come back? Or leave and try to be happy again? He’s always all over me and always so sweet and to be honest I find it very annoying and I’m in disgust a lot of the times and I don’t know what do to. I feel like I’m being a b**** and so unfair. I do know I want him happy too. It’s not fair for him not to have a sexual relationship with his wife. I want him happy. I just don’t know if it’s with me. I find myself often daydreaming about a life I don’t have. Anyone with tips or advice please share!

        • Right there with ya, Taylor… minus the kids. I love my husband…I have and always will think the world of him as a wonderful human being. But there never has been any real chemistry or physical/intellectual attraction. I believe I knew this going in, but had experienced such heartbreak in past relationships, I knew he was a safe, stable partner I could trust. I told myself I would be shallow to leave him over lack of attraction… but fast forward 10 years, I am yearning for more. I would love to say that those passionate feelings/desire for him sexually could be cultivated but I am so unsure that they can be, as they never were there to begin with. Just very confused and wondering if I am wanting too much- I have far more than most and he is a terrific man in so many ways. This is really hard…

    • Joy, I am just like you. But I have been married over 30 years. Kids grown left home, small family, no grandkids etc. I have never said anything to my husband just lived in silence.So much effort to stay but too difficult to leave as I’m a passive person without many friends, Fear of guilt, uncertainty or regrets for the future at my age. There is always the fear of even more loneliness or finding someone with whom maybe there is chemistry but maybe eventual problems in new relationship will kill chemistry. Married 1st man went out with so not experienced in relationships.

      Sorry I don’t have any answers to the post. You have already discussed with your husband. Lucky for you he seems to accept as some men get aggressive. Wish you luck and happiness.

    • This is my life.
      .

    • I also feel like these posts echo my own story. My husband and I have been married for nearly 24 years. We have an 18-year-old daughter, and the last time we had sex was the day she was conceived. There is no attraction between us. Finally, two years ago, I had a one-time affair with a man who lives far away, and whom I only see a couple of times a year. My affair partner broke it off suddenly shortly after because he was overwhelmed at work and had no time for me, but it left me so devastated that I went into a depression, which tipped off my husband, which led to a confession, which led to a year’s worth of counselling. It cost a fortune but didn’t help much, and now here we are two years later. I have resumed a long-distance relationship with my affair partner, but as his job consumes his life, it’s not very satisfactory. He has told me that he will give me what he can, but he has made it clear that he is limited in what he can offer. However, the few times we have been together, the sex and emotional connection has been amazing, and not surprisingly, I find myself fantasizing about him all the time. My husband and I are mostly compatible and we get along pretty well. We have a nice home and there are a lot of benefits to staying together for both of us. For one thing, he makes three times my salary, so I know that if we were to separate, my standard of living would take a huge hit. Also, we are in our mid-50’s, so there are a lot of practical reasons to stay together. We are approaching retirement and potential health situations, and that is a scary thing to face alone. So I have the same quandary as everyone else: what to do? Do I stay in a loveless, sexless marriage that functions as a platonic partnership, denying both myself and my husband the full satisfaction that we both would like? Or do I leave the marriage and destroy our life together and our family, striking out on my own for what seems like a trivial reason? Or do I stay in the marriage and continue to sneak around with other sex partners on the side, having to hide this from him? We have had the hard conversation in which I have asked my husband for the freedom to see other people sexually, since we both acknowledge that our relationship does not work sexually. But although he initially agreed to this, he has since back-tracked, and decided that he is not ready to have this sort of agreement, and he is not willing to continue the conversation because he is not ready to have that conversation yet. It’s been several months, and we are both going along, pretending that everything is all right. Our daughter just started college, and neither one of us wants to derail her or add anymore stress to her life. So, for the moment, we are just hanging tight in this limbo.

      • Do not cheat on him again. If you do you are going do great harm. Take that choice and throw it away, it is not an option if you care at all about him and his well-being. These feelings you have are not your fault and are not evil; from the sounds of it I think you should do him the kindness of leaving on good terms. You’ve already put him through a lot with your prior affair and he is a decent man for trying to stick it out. He is likely getting less than he needs too and may be sticking in it for you.

24. Man oh man… This entire post……… Im in the same situation. I have 2 kids and a new one on the way. We finally got married In July after being engaged for 4 years. I stalled like crazy bc i knew in my heart that we had no chemistry and it was off. Its so hard bc i want the kids to see a 2 parent home but its killing me…. I am miserable… I try to pretend and fake happy… I try to enjoy US… But my mind wants to be some where else… I think after this baby is born im out… I am just going to step out on faith and stop being so afraid and go.. He is is a wonderful dad and great provider but this “safe choice” life is too difficult. I feel bad because women literally would kill to have a man and be married and have kids.. Im thankful for my family but why should i have to keep this going? Oh and the kids notice.. They are not stupid. Esp my daughter who is 9. I feel like a brat for even complaining bc im not being cheated on or beated on…. Its no chemistry, its bc i have too do it Sex, no attraction, and boring! Maybe we can take a break and this might help… I dont know. All i know is im tired of talking about it and 2018 something has got to change!! Asap…. He is a great dad and i cant imagine them having another dad but as for me… Im just mentally checked out. Any advice?? Bc im so lost..

    • I couldn’t agree with this more if I tried. I recently commented a post before this one but I’m in the same boat. What did you ever do? Because like you we have a toddler and I’m pregnant and he’s been the provider for as long as we’ve been together. I guess I’m scared to go because I wouldn’t have no where to go and wouldn’t be able to work due to kids and having absolutely NO ONE to help me watch them. Stuck is an understatement.

25. Hmmm, I’m in a similar situation but without kids or owning anything. The sex was great for quite a few years until it wasn’t. Something changed, something shifted and for me it was not going to come back. I was no longer attracted to him, but it was for various reasons not even about sex. He refused to let go, begged me to try, we spent a few months apart, a month apart, now a month apart and he’s still moaning and crying like a baby. I believe sexual attraction and chemistry in a relationship is important! I can barely kiss him anymore, I hate him touching me and resent that he insists sleeping in bed with me because he couldn’t sleep in the other bedroom without me. And I caved every time. He wanted to try counselling, but like many women, once you decide something, once you feel something in your gut, that’s it. It makes no difference. Why should you force yourself to try be attracted to somebody that you are no longer attracted to? I don’t want to hurt him, but it’s hurting me. I was angry for awhile, but that passed to tenderness. I do love him, I care about him, he is my kin, he is my best friend, but he’s more like family than the love partner I crave. In relationships people grow and change overtime and sometimes end up on different paths. It isn’t the end of the world, we know better than to fall for that until death do us part. Why not accept that you are best friends and have an amazing relationship that should last for life? I was told to have kids with someone that if the relationship did fail you would at least remain excellent friends and family and be awesome co parents.

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