Being in a LGBT relationship comes with many struggles. Some are struggles that come with any relationship, others are a bit more specific. In the last few years my desire to have children has exploded. Unfortunately, the road to pregnancy/parenthood is a long and winding one for my partner and me.
Because of this I find myself harboring deep envy for those closest to me who have been able to fulfill their parenting desires without a hitch. It’s a deep envy I had never experienced before, oftentimes bringing me to tears. I hold onto hope that one day our dream of becoming parents will come true, but I can’t seem to let go of the fear that it may not happen for us.
I didn’t choose to be Queer, but I did choose to follow that path and I thought I had prepared myself for what that meant in terms of family planning. I did not expect to feel this way — so torn up about the prospect of being childless. So angry that for some it is so easy it becomes accidental. My hope, in sharing these feelings, is to shed them. I can’t imagine I am the only one to harbor such emotions and yet it feels lonely here.
Adding to the rising pool of emotional overload is the fact that my sister-in-law gave birth to her second child… today. I’ll be holding a newborn by tonight. It was hard with the first one three years ago and it’s even harder with number two.
Don’t get me wrong — I am so excited to meet my niece and I love, love, love my nephew; however, I am worried that I won’t be able to control my tears of envy and fear. I’m prepared to say they are happy tears (my partner and I alone will know the truth).
There are some things I’ve realized that I just have to hold onto, some fears that must stay hushed. I also hold onto the fear that my partner’s family will love and treat the biological children differently than the children we will have via donor or adoption, albeit this is ridiculous because they are the most loving and kind family imaginable. But… they do cherish their gene pool.
I suppose I will deal with that when the time comes. For now, I must be the best Auntie I can be.
Must remain patient. Must remain calm.
Since I teach, I am surrounded by parent-child relationships — it’s sweet perk of the job. I see the blessings and the struggles, the learning and forgiving, the connections and bonding and LOVE. It’s all so wonderfully heartwarming and painfully heartbreaking.
Over the last few years I have put good energy into my parenting preparations, for it is all I can do. I have worked at creating a warm and inviting home. I have moved to a place where my roots will be glad to be planted. I have read and watched and made notes on things I would or wouldn’t do. I have researched all of our options. I have day dreamed and I have prayed.
I have many things to be grateful for, wonderful adventures to seek, and a long list of things to make and do. I love my partner so deeply and this life we are building is lovely and strong. But at the end of the day, I am a parent without a child… holding onto hope.