Eavesdropping: one of the many joys of city living

March 7 2012 | offbeatbride
Callbox © by findfado, used under Creative Commons license.

Our condo faces onto a courtyard, and when the windows are open there's definitely a little Melrose Place action that happens. We hear neighbors coming and going, having sex, spanking each other, etc. It's always entertaining.

We can also hear the callbox at the front gate. Here's one recent example that Dre and I heard, as we sat on the couch staring each other silently with wide eyes that said, "Don't start laughing! They'll hear you!"

Male resident's voice over callbox: Hello?
Male guest at gate [coyly]: Are you decent?
Resident: …Uh, who is this?
Guest: OH MY GOD I totally dialed the wrong apartment!
Resident: Uh, ok.

Different male resident's voice over callbox: …There you are!
Guest [uses exact same line!]: Are you decent?
[sound of gate being unlocked]

So, are YOU decent? Tell me the most awesome things you've overheard from your neighbors. NOTE: I said MOST AWESOME. This is NOT an invitation to bitch about your neighbors.

  1. This reminds me of a phone conversation that took place next door to my dorm room in college – the guy was yelling and swearing and generally foul-tempered, then said something along the lines of, "And I'm sick of this, Mom!" And that's when we tried to contain our laughter.

    6 agree
  2. We live next door to a conservative christian college… we find beer, drugs, condoms, you name it whatever they have been told not to do we find it in our woods… I have put a smoking area in a clearing so they won't accidently burn our house down with a wild fire…
    We hear it all… fights, drama,

    8 agree
  3. When I was at uni and therefore lived in a student town I was often woken up in the middle of the night by people going home, going out, getting lost or generally pissing about, but one occurance was particularly memorable:

    It started off normally enough. Male voice, female voice, lots of screaming, some tears, there may or may not have been objects thrown. Then there was the sound of a window opening and a voice saying "Hey! She's right. You're not listening to her. But he's right too, you're being overly jugemental and paranoid. You're both drunk and need to go home and get some sleep. Now please PISS OFF!"

    Morale of the story? Private conversations are only as private as you make them!

    47 agree
    • I've lived in a noisy college town for so long that I barely notice my neighbors or the loud pedestrians any more! Now I'm inspired to start listening for the entertainment value… 🙂

      6 agree
  4. My college roommates and I were having a quiet Friday night when we heard a loud BANG. More sporadic BANGing and THUDing followed, until curiosity and a sense of self-preservation forced me to investigate. What did I find? Our drunken neighbors were on the porch with a closet door stretched across two upturned trash cans. They appeared to be playing a drinking game that involved hitting the makeshift table with a hammer. Over the next few hours we witnessed them swordfighting with scrap metal and playing with fire extinguishers… The following morning's hungover catty arguments about who had to clean up were equally entertaining.

    9 agree
  5. In our last apartment we heard our maintenance man (lived above us) enjoying his own company (ahem) while watching porn, him singing along to TV show theme songs (George, George, George of the Jungle…), we heard him screaming "I'M BORED! I'M BORED!", getting in a fist fight with his friend, and then the coup de grace: his door being kicked in by the police who then threw him on the ground demanding to know where his friend was, asking if he had any drugs, and saying something about child support. We then watched through out viewfinder as the police dragged him away. Memories…

    6 agree
  6. Also, at one point I lived right downtown Toronto at a major intersection with a couple of roomies.

    We were walking home from class fairly late one night, when this really nervous looking guy who was tearing up a styrofoam cup into little pieces, came up to my roommate and I and asked where in Toronto the hookers were.

    Not our neighbour per say…but still sooo awkward and hilarious.

    5 agree
    • Haha kind-of-similar experience:

      I was the last one working in the touristy general store in this small town in Norther Michigan and closing up for the evening, when two young men (about my age at the time) came in and acted kinda weird. Finally, one of them managed to ask me where they could "have fun" in town, and finally asked where they could find "Mary Janes". Me being totally naive about such things, I pointed them to our candy counter where we carry the Mary Jane candies….

      8 agree
  7. In my last apt our upstairs neighbor often had one of two different "intimate" visitors. The one visitor was male & we only heard them when they where going at it & it was always late at night so we would just go back to sleep. We dubbed him "nice & quiet dude". The other, more frequent visitor was female, and always wore high heels & spoke loudly, especially during more a'hem, intimate moments. The funny thing was that we ALWAYS knew when our neighbor was going to get some action because he always put on what we dubbed the "f*ck-jam mix", always the same loud obnoxious jazz mix which would play loudly right before he and his visitor got busy. Made us laugh every time…. though not too loudly lest they hear us and we embarrass them. LOL.

    12 agree
    • Lol, the jazz mix reminds me I had a housemate who would just put his playlist on random when he had a *visitor*… Disney definitely came on more than once.

      2 agree
      • For my roommate it was Mission Impossible techno-style music. Sounded like they were playing the theme music to defusing a bomb.

        8 agree
    • Ah hahaha… when we lived in an apartment, my husband (then-boyfriend) and I definitely had a FuckJam Mix. It involved a lot of Portishead. Lol.

      3 agree
    • When my now-husband and I started dating, he was living with one other guy and one girl. The guys picked on the girl like she was their little sister. Any time she had a gentleman over (even if he was just a study partner, or her sister's boyfriend), they would put on their "Tasha's Getting Lucky Mix". It included a lot of Peabo Bryson, Barry White, and Amy Grant. When she got mad, they would tell her he was just trying to set the mood.

      8 agree
  8. This doesn't really count, since I was in a hotel, but I heard a couple in the room next to me having sex REALLY loud. I think it was two men, but only one of the men was making it very well known what they were doing. He was making really loud, obnoxious grunts and moans…it was like a practical joke!

  9. At my first apartment, I was walking through the complex on a Saturday at noon and could hear a couple having very *energetic* sex. As in, you could hear the moans and the "Oh yes" from across a parking lot, volleyball court, and lawn area. They didn't realize that the layout of the buildings created excellent enhanced sound. I almost wanted to wait until they were done and start clapping.

    11 agree
    • Similar but different – when a friend of mine was walking across our college campus, she walked past a dorm. She heard someone yell "FUCK" and then a computer monitor came sailing through the air and crashing to the ground.

      9 agree
  10. First, the sound of someone jumping from the top bunk directly onto the floor in the dorm room above us. "SANTANA. STOP STANDIN' ON MY HEAD."

    When we tried to turn them in for being too loud and repeatedly ignoring our complaints, they said that we were racist. Because getting tired of hearing clearly every word screamed by a pair of women is racisty. And seriously. There's no better way to get off that bunk bed other than jumping?

    1 agrees
    • And then there was the time I heard a guy say that he wanted to convert the "Do not walk" hand into a "flipping the bird" hand. Then watched him shimmy up the pole and attempt it.

      Pro tip: it doesn't work. They're like Christmas lights. One line gets cut, they all go out.

      4 agree
      • That might have worked had he just taken black paper and used it to cover the 3 unnecessary fingers. At my college, someone put hula-hoop stickers over the crosswalk figures, so it looked like someone hula-hooping. It made me laugh.

        11 agree
        • That makes… so much more sense than just randomly cutting wires.
          Of course, I was later told that LSD was involved, so perhaps sense-making need not apply.

          8 agree
  11. I had neighbors that lived above me for about a year. They were like rabbits. There was a day that I heard them going at it for no less than seven separate sessions.

    But my favorite was one of the kids that lives in my complex. I was walking by and I heard this kid with a thick accent saying "And then he poked me. Right here. It hurts when you're chubby." Bless his heart I couldn't stop giggling, it was so cute!

    9 agree
  12. The best story of this kind I have EVER heard was on the Bpal forum awhile ago–a member overheard her neighbors going at it, during which the girl began yelling "Word, word, word, word to your mom! Word to your mom!" I will never not laugh at that. 🙂

    8 agree
  13. We lived in a 'garden level' (read: basement) apartment in a downtown area so we could hear people as they walked by or stood on the corner waiting for the bus. One day we overheard a guy who was apparently talking to a female sex worker. He asks her all flirty "What are you up to?" She flirted right back until he answered her question "What are you doing right now?" He said "I'm waiting for my girlfriend." Then she starts yelling, "Why are you trying to pick me up when you're waiting on your girlfriend right now!?" Then we heard the clicking of heels as she walked away. I think it was an uncomfortable conversation for all of us!

    Last month our neighbors had some guests stay for a few weeks while they were out of town. The guests had really loud sex and they'd do it all the time! It sounded so fake that at first we thought they were just watching porn really loudly. A couple of times we'd hear them at 11pm, then we'd hear an alarm clock going off at 3am after which they'd have sex again. Then around 8 or 9 am they'd do it again. Who sets an alarm?!

    8 agree
    • You set an alarm for sex if you're trying to conceive. Or get as much strage place sex out of the way before the owners return! 🙂

      16 agree
        • Thanks for the insight! That totally changes my perception. I had all of these theories. One was that they were having an affair so they were trying to squeeze in all the sex they could. Another theory was that she was a sex worker and he was trying to get his money's worth (obviously assuming a lot of things – one: that the female would be the sex worker and two: that she'd be paid by the hour. I don't know how it works). Woah, my naivety is showing.

          3 agree
    • my upstairs neighbors in college would have sex, like clockwork, every wednesday at 2:45 a.m.

      humpday indeed.

      12 agree
  14. The teenaged children of our next door neighbor used to provide hours of entertainment. Once, in the middle of a heated argument, the younger brother called the sister stupid. She shot back, "Oh, I'm stupid? I have a 3.0. You have a 1.5. Who's stupid?"

    The brother shouted back, in absolute rage, "It's a one-point-fifty!"

    27 agree
  15. our awkward isnt so much eavesdropping as accidentally seeing… our street is on a bit of an incline and our neighbors yard is two feet higher than ours, which makes that fence a bit short in actuality. Like short enough to glance over and see naked hot tubbing at 2 am

  16. In college, my roommate and I lived in an apartment that was great for eavesdropping – no AC and all the windows were open. We'd huddle in the bathroom with a bowl of popcorn and listen in on the couple next door. We nearly peed ourselves when we heard the fight where he confessed that he'd cheated on her and given her herpes! Poor girl.

    3 agree
  17. one apartment building i lived in was shaped like a C so in the summer when everyone's windows were open (no AC) sound went out the window and bounced right back in to everyone else's. there was one couple who either didn't know this or didn't care because they made so much noise during sex that the building managers posted signs around the building asking said couple to please close the windows before getting randy. it cracked me up every time i came home and saw one of the signs.

    6 agree
  18. I live right next to a golf course. So, naturally, during the summer my partner's and my favorite pastime is to sit on the balcony and listen to the crap people yell.

    A typical example goes like this. Man's voice: Fuck! FORE! A second or two later, a golf ball flies over the fence and into the yard. Then more swearing and stomping around. It never gets old.

    3 agree
  19. In one of our old buildings there was a couple who would go into the hallway and have screaming matches. We heard them yell "Give me back my change!" and "Let go of my sweater!" among other things.
    In a different building, in 2008, I over heard the little boy who lived below me tell the little girl who's balcony was adjacent to mine what a great song "The Thong Song" is.

    2 agree
  20. My first apartment was above that of a very strange man who was a writer of some sort. He never went out or had guests over. And he only typed on a 1930s style typewriter – the kind that goes, "CLACKITYCLACKCLACKCLACKCLACKITYCLACK DING!!!! CLACKCLACKCLACKCLACKCLACKCLACK!" He would start typing every morning, even Sundays, at 6 am and talk to himself in between frenzied bouts of clacking. One day it must've been going poorly because I heard him pacing and muttering a lot. Then suddenly (to no one), "YOU'RE FIRED! FIRED!FIRED!FIRED!"

    Another apartment in Brooklyn I shared with a very strange young man who was vegetarian but not in a healthy way. He drank like a fish, smoked two packs a day and I never saw him eat anything but fried baby carrots (yes, just fried in a pan, no oil or butter or anything) and plain Greek yogurt. He spent most of his time holed up in his room not making a sound – several times I thought I was alone in the apartment for HOURS when suddenly he would BURST out of his room and clomp out the door. He used to bring home different women from Williamsburg bars – I never heard them having sex, but I did on *several* occasions hear him, alone, having what sounded to begin with like night terrors ("Noo! Noooo! NO!NO!!!") that turned into marathon bed-clanging, wall-shaking self-pleasuring sessions ("Nooo….oooohhhh…GNNUUOOHH! GUUHH!!!")

    Now that I live in a relatively quiet Philadelphia neighborhood, sometimes when I'm out in my backyard I hear the person whose yard is several doors down and cater-corner to ours having a sneezing fit on his porch. One night he sneezed explosively a bunch of times in a row and when he fell silent I called into the darkness, "Bless you!" and from down the block I heard a sheepish, "Thanks…" I've heard other people in the neighborhood calling their blessings to The Sneezer as well.

    9 agree
    • I am just like this dude! My upstairs neighbours sometimes call Bless You down after a marathon sneeze. In my dorm when I was doing my Undergraduate, the first week I scared my neighbour so bad she call security because she thought I was choking! (Why security? I have no idea)

      1 agrees
      • Actually, I think a lot of times security=campus police/first responders. I am pretty sure even "911" on our campus would first go to the campus police, and then if it was beyond them to the actual police. FYI. 🙂

  21. I think we were considered the neighbors everyone talked about; probably because of an overweight shirtless Hispanic man in a sombrero manning the grill with 3 foot flames…this was my husband's friend. Oddly enough, after this occurance the neighbors next door moved out within a month. We were neighborly and invited them over though.
    The neighbors that moved into their unit would frequently have explicit shouting matches.

    2 agree
  22. My downstairs neighbor appears to be learning to play the guitar. Unfortunately, all he seems to know so far is the opening riff of Smoke on the Water.

    3 agree
    • I believe it is Guitar Law that the first song you must learn is either Smoke on the Water or Seven Nation Army.

      9 agree
    • OMIGOD YES. In our last apartment, we had a teenaged boy upstairs who played the Smoke on the Water riff over and over again for hours. The best part is, when you're learning how to play it, it goes reallllyyy slow, and the last two notes take forever to get, apparently. There would always be this long pause before they came. Must be a fingering change. 😛

      Ah, summers in an apartment complex.

      I also had a different upstairs neighbor (we had SIX in the year and 3 months I lived there) who would always lock himself out and ask if he could use my porch furniture to help him clamber up the balcony. Apparently, they'd leave the back door open for just such a reason. I got so used to looking out the window and seeing a pair of legs dangling from the balcony above. It was hilarious.

      3 agree
    • One of the high school in towns mascot is the Scots. Every year there are a few beginning bagpipe players for the band. Last year it was some kid in a 4 block radius of our place.

      The same few notes struggling to become a song OVER and OVER for hours.

      I would have totally taken smoke on the water over that.
      On a happy note, The kid did get pretty good

      3 agree
  23. Even though I live in NYC and hear crazy shit every day, I'm going to lead with a college story.

    Our dorm room walls were PAPER thin. The girl who lived next to me was having sex with her boyfriend while my boyfriend and I were attempting (and failing) to study. At one point her boyfriend said the following and it was impossible not to bust out laughing: "That shit is dry, girl. Throw some water on that!"

    That memory never fails to simultaneously amuse me and gross me out.

    10 agree
  24. I had a room that overlooked a bar patio for a semester in college. Like people could have passed me drinks had I not sealed off the crappy windows to keep cold air out. Karaoke, bar fights, upset girlfriends, all of that. Most of the time annoying, but occasionally hilarious.

    But my favorite people watching in college was overhearing people on the bus. One girl got on talking to her mom about how her car's oil filter needed changing asked "So, can I get a new one?" Then after a pause, "Yeah, a Toyota would be nice."

    Now we only overhear the neighbor's dog whining when they kick her out on their porch. Snoozeville.

    2 agree
  25. "boy! pull ya damn pants up and look like a respectable black man!" became pretty normal. the elderly black man across the street was so nice, unless he could see your underwear. Made me chuckle every time he yelled it.

    15 agree
  26. In my last place, I was in the top floor of a character house that was full of characters downstairs (har har), and we overheard many great conversations, but my favourite of all time was when I was woken up at about 3am on a Tuesday to a guy trying to impress a girl by saying "so then my brother and I outgrew dungeons and dragons and just started making up our own games… I mean, it was pretty cool really." Frankly, I think D&D is pretty cool, but I'm not so sure that girl did and I was pretty angry to be woken up by a bad pick-up line that probably wouldn't have worked!

    2 agree
  27. My friend and I were eating at a restaurant one day, and we heard someone at the next table sigh and say, "Poor naked Eli."

    For seven years now, we've wondered what on earth the story behind that could be.

    9 agree
  28. We have rented two different apartments before moving into our home last year and we haven't heard too many crazy things, unfortunately.

    The only things of note:
    -The couple above us in our last apt. would do it so fast and hard that the walls shook along with hearing the "boomboomboomboomboom" on the wall. It'd only last about 5 minutes so… heh.

    -One time they had friends over and they dropped a weed grinder off their balcony. Ha.

  29. We live in a neighborhood where a lot of the houses are the same, including ours and the two on either side. The attic windows line up so that, in a similar way to a Southern shotgun house, you could shoot a gun from the west window of the first house and it would come out the east window of the third house.

    In these 80-year-old houses that have been upgraded over the years, the attic tends to become the master bedroom.

    The summer after we bought our house (no one here has AC), we were lying in bed with the windows open, lights out, when we hear sex noises coming from the house to our west. Not ten minutes later, we glance out the east window to see *that* couple going at it. The amount of giggling…

    The other story I like is from the dorms, although it's not quite eavesdropping. Our housing advisor my freshman year was a sweet, sweet guy. He liked to leave his door open as much as possible. One afternoon, my roommate and I wandered by to see him asleep on his beautifully made bed, clutching his teddy bear. It was the cutest!

    10 agree
  30. I'm fairly certain in my last place we were the people who everyone overheard the crazy things from. It was normal to hear things like "While I do know martial arts, I tend to avoid the alligators" and "And, y'know, what's a better way to cleanse than to kill a bunch of babies?"

    …That was a fun household.

    7 agree
  31. This is accidentally seeing not hearing but still hilarious.

    In one apartment I lived in all of the apartments faced a common courtyard so you had to walk past people's front doors to get to your door. One night I was coming home from a date at like 1:00am. My date and I went into my apartment and my date started laughing and proceeded to tell me that my neighbor, a 40ish dude of average looks, was cooking..naked. I didn't believe my date because he was a little drunk but two weeks later I came home late again and yup, my date was not lying. That guy was totally rocking out and cooking a full meal, completely naked, at 1:00 in the morning. It still makes me giggle when I think about it.

    4 agree
  32. Living in an apartment complex we did hear many things from our neighbors. Turns out our bedroom wall was also their bedroom wall on the other side. The best was when we were awakened at 2 am to hearing two people singing the "Oompa Loompa" song from Willy Wonka and then proceeding to have loud sex. That must have been some crazy foreplay!

    We also heard a consoling friend one night outside our window (we lived near many bars). His friend was hurling so loud directly outside our window (luckily we were up a level). In between hurl noises we could hear the friend say, "Get 'er done man, get 'er done." He just kept saying that over and over again for a good minute intermittently with the hurling noises. What a friend!

    6 agree
  33. Our love of wall-rattling techno, loud sex, and cooking naked prompted us to move to the country (read: Middle of Nowhere) in an attempt to not be "that couple." After years of living next door to his old kindergarten teacher (a 90 year old man who was, unfortunately, often treated to a front row seat of the master bedroom with totally inadequate eco-friendly drapes), we figured we'd do mainstream society a favor and go live on a farm. I noticed after last night's escapades that the dog belonging to the only neighbor we have was not only awake but absolutely HOWLING… So I'm pretty sure it didnt work. It's not as easy as one might think to look/sound "normal" at all hours of the day and night… And on the plus side, I guess I don't have to introduce myself now. (:

    6 agree
  34. I once witnessed my neighbor chastising her six-year-old as they returned from a trip to the Wild Animal Park. He apparently was unable to explain to his mother why he felt it necessary to try to pee on the head of a duck.

    14 agree
  35. I lived in one apartment where one wall of my living room apparently was the wall of someone's bathroom. I heard a lot of tub squeaking while my neighbour bathed.

    1 agrees
  36. Once I could very clearly hear my upstairs neighbors watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I did the Time Warp in my living room.

    20 agree
  37. In college I lived in an apartment below the "Deafies". This is what they called themselves, and what they wrote as their name on their buzzer. Turns out there was a very close-knit deaf community at my school. It was all good til they turned into party central, and always placed their stereo speakers face down on the floor, cranked up, bass heavy, so their guests could feel the music and dance (stomp) the night away. Also, their sexy noises were off the charts, I assume because they didn't realize just how disruptive it was to the hearing-folks downstairs. Even though it sucked at the time, I still think it's pretty cool they had noise-vibration parties.

    11 agree
  38. Nothing I've HEARD is coming to mind, but last summer my boyfriend and I learned that our neighbour enjoys topless sunbathing in her very underfenced yard. Several minutes later, we noticed the nextNEXT door neighbour's kid shimmying up the tree to get a good look! Too funny.

    2 agree
  39. My downstairs neighbour likes to put music on and sing really loudly (and badly). And sometimes he gets enamored of one song in particular, and it'll feature prominently in his playlist. The record is "Stand By Me", seven times in a row.

    1 agrees
  40. I'm pretty sure I am that neighbor…

    This one doesn't totally count but it still goes down as legendary in my book.

    My best friend and I were working as life guards summer before senior year. It was the neighborhood pool, at this time there was only one couple there. The couple started getting frisky in the pool. Best friend hollered at them to not get "anything" in the pool. The girl turned stared him squared in the eyes and said "It's not in the pool"
    I had never seen best friend at a loss for words before.

    3 agree
  41. Oh man, this topic is amazing. <3

    We lived in an apartment building that was something like two houses smooshed together — you could only get to apartments A – C in the front, E-I in the back. Apartment D was in the basement and was the only one that allowed access from both ends. We went in back-end, our wall-neighbors were front-end.

    The first neighbors we had were pretty standard college students; they'd drink and they'd yell. We'd lay in bed and listen to this guy and his girlfriend get into the most insane, top-of-their-lungs screaming matches. The girlfriend didn't even live there — we have no idea why she kept coming back. Our favorite was 8AM on Fake Patties' Day:

    Girl: "TOO BAD."

    I don't even remember how they concluded that one; they just kept going on about this shirt.

    One day they just spent three hours stomping back and forth screaming at each other. Toward the end of the fight we found out (their open living room window was something like 5 feet from our open window) that he was sitting on her purse and wouldn't give it back.

    3 agree
  42. The last apartment I lived in looked out over a courtyard to the apartments across the way. One building over and one floor down there lived a girl named Autumn who I'm guessing was about 4 years old. During nice weather she played out on the deck and, since she wasn't allowed to go play in the neighborhood by herself, the other kids would gather below her apartment and throw things to her and say hello.

    One day, she was looking out between the slats in the railing saying wistfully, over and over, "Romeo, Romeo, WHERE YOU AT?"

    Another time, she was riding her tricycle in tight circles on the tiny deck and her mom called her in for lunch. She yelled back, "I can't come in! I'm riding!"

    13 agree
  43. I used to live next to this couple who had these huge screaming matches all the time. I distinctly remember one time one of them yelled at the top of their lungs: "MY family–what about YOUR family???"

    In my current uber-urban home, my neighbors are actually more quiet, surprisingly. But one night a drunk guy fell over and took a little rest outside our apartment, loudly singing Latin American bolero music. He had a really beautiful voice and it was actually really lovely. Until someone else came out and chased him off…

    6 agree
  44. In our house in Portugal we live in a ground floor with an enormous terrace. Our upstairs neighbours have much smaller terraces overlooking ours. They can see all of it except for a small area underneath their terraces.
    Our neighbours really hate us for reasons we don't totally understand, but seem mostly to be due to the uses we and the previous owner put our terrace to ( nothing)

    • sorry, tried to erase this I began writing in my smartphone and published by mistake, but failed to edit it or delete it! the full story is right below

  45. In our house in Portugal we live in a ground floor with an enormous terrace. Our upstairs neighbours have much smaller terraces overlooking ours. They can see all of it except for a small area underneath their own terraces.
    Our neighbours really hate us for reasons we don't totally understand, but seem mostly to be due to the uses we and especially the previous owner put our terrace to (nothing kinky).
    So there I was one day, on the blind spot, getting ready to smoke a quiet cigarrette while looking at the street and hearing birds sing, when my directly-upstairs neighbour goes into her terrace with a friend and proceeds to bitch and moan about us. I listened, trying hard not to snicker, to all the complaints and name-calling. Then, as she was patching up, I lit up my cigarrette and took a puff of it. In the quiet workday summer afternoon, the sound of the lighter was very audible, and the smoke rising from directly underneath them made them go super quiet. Then I heard one of them whisper "you think they heard us?". Hahaha! I had to bite my hand to keep from laughing. I smilled all day on that one! Still do when I remember it.

    9 agree
  46. When I lived in my on-campus apartment that had really thin walls, I heard my upstairs neighbor having sex constantly.

    Over time, and with much horror and laughter, I came to the realization that my upstairs neighbor was having sex with their furniture. There's no other explanation for all the banging noises I heard xD

    2 agree
  47. I had a pair of great upstairs neighbors a few years ago. One of the most awesome things I ever heard was the guy calling out from their kitchen to the girl one Saturday morning: "I fucking love you so much!!!"

    It was adorable.

    13 agree
  48. I used to live upstairs from a violinist. It was wonderful to wake up to hear him practicing in the morning.

    I didn't enjoy it so much when his beginner students came around, though.

    3 agree
    • 🙂 Aww, reminds me of waking up to the accordion player playing in the field/garden outside my dorm window in college. "Make a little birdhouse in your soul…"

      1 agrees
      • We bought a house last year in the winter. Come spring/summer, we find out that at the end of our street is a dude who plays the bagpipes. in his backyard. we were out for a walk one day (okay, so we were trying to figure out which house the bagpiper was in), and we walked past his house, looked over, and he was there standing in his back yard, playing the bagpipes. (you could see him from the street because for some reason he was standing in the perfect spot to be seen through his open breezeway, it was weird). He might be my favorite neighbor, though I doubt I'd be as pleased if he was next door instead of many doors down.

        2 agree
  49. In the first house my Hubby and I lived in, we had these odd neighbours. At three am one morning I hear this banging and then this woman screaming "JASON, GET OFF THE FUCKING ROOF IT IS THREE AM YOU BASTARD" he replies with "FUCK YOU MUM! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME"
    This went on for a good half hour. The first time I met said neighbours, the woman who was in her fifties wore no bra, a sheer kaftan and no pants. I was stunned. They were quite funny though.

    3 agree
  50. Some of these stories had me literally laughing out loud. Sadly I've only had crappy neighbors but love hearing your stories!

    1 agrees
  51. I had a roommate once that smoked tons of weed…my boyfriend and I were hanging out in the living room while she and one of her guy friends were getting high in her room. They didn't think we knew, so they were trying to be really subtle. But, they couldn't stop coughing! He and I still laugh about how they "must have found the good weed."

  52. I have a sound and sight pair of stories!
    The first is easy- room next to bathroom. It's interesting to hear your male roommate sing "I'm washing my d*ck, I'm washing my d*ick" in a singsong voice during a shower.
    I live in a place where if you walk near the townhouses and apartments, you can glance through the basement windows and see the rooms below.
    Twice, I have walked past and saw through the window- a large, naked man painting at 1 or 2 A.M. I recall they were flowers.

    4 agree
  53. Oh dang, this thread is just what I needed today.

    My contributions:

    A friend's neighbor spent an hour one night revving his scooter on the lawn, yelling "F*ck yeah! F*ck yeah!" and, whenever a car passed, yelling at his dog Destruction, "F*ck 'em, Destruction!"

    My boyfriend overheard his next-door neighbor having sex, then heard this:
    Girl: What the f*ck, you got c*m in my vagina! (More complaining, then..)
    Neighbor: Babe, babe, hey, would you go get me some McDonald's?
    Girl: F*ck you!

    My neighbor just likes to have screaming matches with his wife and, from the sounds of it, move furniture at night. He has also fallen through a window and has, on one very lonely day, played "Neon Moon" by Brooks and Dunn NINE times in four hours. Fun!

    3 agree
  54. Visual: We live in an apartment complex that is U shaped, our unit is on the inside so most of our windows face into the unit across the courtyard (read: ivy-choked hallway) when the woman who lives there now first moved in her boyfriend had a hard time remembering that the windows match up perfectly and we can see into each others apartments… especially the kitchen window (no drapes) He used to constantly walk around nekkid. We didn't want to embarrass him so we would just giggle as we skittered out of the room hoping he didn't see US. hahaha
    He's finally learned better to put on a robe and now we all tend to cook dinner at the same time and race to see who would finish cooking first, or make the tastiest looking meal. It's rather fun!

    aural: the walls to the hallway are paper thin and there are some really great conversation snippets we catch as people are walking by. out in the hallway one can hear everything that goes on in the units. One night FH and I were watching big trouble in little china and some guys walking by heard it and began quoting along with the movie!

    1 agrees
    • Aw, I miss apartment window-neighbors. I have almost no relationships with my house-neighbors, but am still good friends with someone I met when we lived across a courtyard from each other years ago.

      2 agree
  55. Our next door neighbors are really into sports, so when we watch anything live we always know who they're rooting for based on the extremely loud cursing/cheering. Now we sometimes try to find the game they're watching when we hear the yells.

  56. Ha! I think I just may be one of these noisy neighbors! A couple months ago I was due to deliver my son. As per midwives orders I was to bounce on an exercise ball for 15min 3-5 times a day and "get him out!" Once while bouncing in my living room I heard banging on my floor boards. Taking a cue from my downstairs neighbors, i moved to the bedroom and continued bouncing when I heard MORE banging. Well, I needed to follow orders, so I moved AGAIN to my closet and continued bouncing (as quietly as possible) when I heard loud banging at my DOOR. My very rude neighbor informed me she could hear me "fucking, knock it off!" She and all her friends have always been rather rude, but when I explained the ball bouncing and that i was also currently the only one in the apartment she went bright red and said she wouldn't bother me anymore. Cracks me up! Didn't realize how noisy our floor boards are!

    3 agree
  57. Now see, my best story is of an example where we were being "that couple…"

    I was living in the dorms at the time, on the third floor, and my long-distance girlfriend was over for the weekend. Lovely spring evening, so we opened the window to let fresh air in, and then got carried away… and then I got loud…

    And while taking a deep breath, clearly heard a voice drifting up from the sidewalk outside, "She has GOT to be faking."

    I definitely stopped making sexytime noises, because I was trying too hard to laugh silently.

    3 agree
  58. At my mom's house, one of her neighbours is learning to play drums. He has them set up in his garage, and he's really, really bad at it. He likes to practice with his garage door open, and a Learn To Play Drums video, or a music video on that he copies from. It's awful, listening to CLASH BANG BANG FUCK I DID THAT WRONG! CLASH BANG BANG CLASH! FUCK! at all hours of the day. It does make giving directions to the house easy though. "Look for the shirtless crazy guy playing drums in his garage. We're the house next to him!"

    At the apartment I live in currently, we live next door to a couple who has a very young baby. Every night, the parents read to the baby, who obviously has a crib next to our shared wall. My boyfriend and I love it when the dad comes in to read, since he 'reads' lyrics to rap songs, internet commentary and other very inappropriate things. It's quite funny to hear lyrics like "Big money talkin to you, Mothaf*cka that's cause big money brought it to you" in baby talk.

    11 agree
  59. In my first apartment, I lived below a very loud couple we called Mr. & Mrs. Thunderfoot because they seemed to STOMP rather than walk around the apartment. They argued a lot and one night I had my sister staying with me and we decided to stay up very late watching horror movies. The Thunderfoots began argueing loudly and suddenly we heard a huge thump come from upstairs, then silence. We didn't think too much of it as they seemed to drop heavy objects on the floor frequently.
    About 20 mins later my sister used the bathroom then began shrieking! She came running out drenched in watery red liquid that was leaking from the bathroom ceiling! Our sleep deprived, horror movie watching selves were convinced Mr. Thunderfoot killed Mrs. Thunderfoot and was draining her blood in the bathroom above us. I called my landlord in a panic, and he investigated. Turned out that a rusty pipe broke above my bathroom. What perfect timing!

    11 agree
  60. This might be my new favorite post on OffbeatHome.

    When I was living at home, I was up at about 3am one night and on my balcony. Two motorcyclists roared down the street, pulled even with each other and started yelling. Turns out they were introducing themselves, flirting, and making plans to hook up. Just met. On the road. I think they were drunk and headed to another bar.

    And yes, we have been THOSE people. My husband being the guy who tow-chained his truck to another guy's half ton in the complex parking lot and they both burned rubber in reverse trying to straighten out Hubbs' grill. Looked like tug-o-war on steroids.

    Until recently, we had a sweet guy living next door to us. He was a welding student from out of town, very kind and polite. He wrecked his truck, and since he had the skill and shop at school, proceeded to order parts for it and put it all back together. Well, we were home and he was not, so we spent a few hours every week for a month with boxes the size of refrigerators in our living room.

  61. when I was in college I lived in a 4-plex with my boyfriend. Above us lived three guys and one girl, who was dating on of the guys. The couple had the bedroom right above ours so we would hear them having sex. One night we turned up our movie to drown them out. suddenly we hear a shriek, a thump and the girl yell "He just licked my ass! Cooper just licked my ass!" her boyfriend started shouting trying to figure out how the dog got into the closed room and we heard two sets of feet run from the door to the living room while the shouting continued.

    4 agree
  62. I still remember being a little girl in my grandparents' house and waking up in the middle of the night to this conversation (which was VERY loud, because they were in their 90s and very hard of hearing):

    Grandmother: Horace! HORACE!!
    Grandfather: What is it, Alixe?
    Grandmother: What? Speak up, Horace!
    Grandfather: I can't hear you, speak up!
    Grandmother: What?
    Grandfather: What?
    Grandmother: What?
    Grandfather: What?
    Grandmother: WHAT?
    Grandfather: WHAT?!
    Both?: *scufflescuffle* (At this point, I think they gave up on hearing and started motioning. A few minutes passed, and then… )
    Grandfather: Just put it under the rug, Alixe! *scufflescuffle* *lightclicksoff*

    And that was it. I looked under the rug the next day but I couldn't find anything… still my favorite mystery.

    4 agree
  63. Oh, I hate to admit it, but we are that noisy amorous couple, the walk-around-naked-all-the-time couple and the classically-trained-voices couple. There are showtunes in the shower and screams in the bedroom.

    We, however, do not complain about the loud Call-of-Duty players and Greco-Roman wrestlers that live above us. They're vastly superior to the profoundly loud expletives howled during domestic disturbances at our last apartment complex.

    Brief poll: I saw some other neighbors leaving their apartment carrying lots of boxes of Settlers of Catan. Would it be creepy to approach them for possible gaming?

    2 agree
  64. The guy in the apartment that connects to my smallest wall is only loud in the bathroom. For some reason I can hear him, and his loud girlfriend, only when I'm in the bathroom. So one day I'm brushing my teeth and my neighbor, who is very obviously on the toilet, starts talking on the phone. I can hear him perfectly and I realized he was trying to sell his motorcycle…while on the toilet.

    1 agrees
  65. I know, this thread is old…but…

    My upstairs neighbor was really grumpy. She was always screaming "F*ing white b*tch!" at me out of her kitchen window when I'd leave for work. But the funniest, was when I took my dog out to pee at about 5am.

    Typically I'd run my dog down the stairs to do his business. This time I ran out of bags, so he pooped and I was going to go back inside and get one. It was 5am and she blew a fog-horn out of the window shouting "pick up your dog's poop!"

    I had to laugh, because, what else are you gonna do?

    1 agrees
  66. yup not stranger to that. Like hearing the base-line to a song so often that when you hear it on the radio you think "I know this song, why don't I know the melody or any lyrics?" Along with being able to say, "oh no, they put the slow jams on lets go out to eat tonight" . I've also been on the receiving end of being heard too! We had just gotten a new puppy, and he distorted my husbands new glasses (he defiantly needs them to see) so my husband yelled something to the extent of "what the f**k is your problem, are you f**ing stupid?" odd thing to say to a dog (specification: my husband is not the kind of guy to say thinks like that EVER but for some reason it just slipped out) well my neighbor came up to me a few nights later, and gave me a sideways look, then asked "is everything okay at home?" I laughed out loud. It look me a few seconds of realize she had overheard the hubs yelling at the new puppy and that she probably didn't believe me.

    2 agree
  67. My college roommate and I had a great apartment but it did not have air conditioning. During warmer months, we'd always have the windows open and discovered that we could hear our neighbors loud and clear in the bathroom. They were a young cohabitating couple and they fought all the time, which was entertaining. The fight we will never forget is when she confronted him after discovering he had cheated on her and given her Herpes. We could barely contain our sqeals.

    1 agrees
  68. I once overheard a neighbor reciting every part from the entire "huge tracts of land" scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Over and over and over for about an hour.

    2 agree
  69. We live above a bar, and since we could hear EVERYTHING below us, and I am quite, ahem, LOUD when being intimate with my husband, I know they heard! 😛 Never cared, since we heard our fair share of stuff from them. We've recently moved to the back apartment, though, and we can no longer hear them, since the bar is in the front.
    Also, on our wedding night, I was about to hand over my virginity when the couple in the room next to ours started making the fakest sex noises I've heard in a looong time. My husband and I decided to wait until they were done to start because it was just too weird. lol It's a good story, at least!

    1 agrees

Join the conversation

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

No-drama comment policy

Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.