Eavesdropping: one of the many joys of city living

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Our condo faces onto a courtyard, and when the windows are open there’s definitely a little Melrose Place action that happens. We hear neighbors coming and going, having sex, spanking each other, etc. It’s always entertaining.

We can also hear the callbox at the front gate. Here’s one recent example that Dre and I heard, as we sat on the couch staring each other silently with wide eyes that said, “Don’t start laughing! They’ll hear you!”

Male resident’s voice over callbox: Hello?
Male guest at gate [coyly]: Are you decent?
Resident: …Uh, who is this?
Guest: OH MY GOD I totally dialed the wrong apartment!
Resident: Uh, ok.

Different male resident’s voice over callbox: …There you are!
Guest [uses exact same line!]: Are you decent?
[sound of gate being unlocked]

So, are YOU decent? Tell me the most awesome things you’ve overheard from your neighbors. NOTE: I said MOST AWESOME. This is NOT an invitation to bitch about your neighbors.

Comments on Eavesdropping: one of the many joys of city living

  1. In the first house my Hubby and I lived in, we had these odd neighbours. At three am one morning I hear this banging and then this woman screaming “JASON, GET OFF THE FUCKING ROOF IT IS THREE AM YOU BASTARD” he replies with “FUCK YOU MUM! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME”
    This went on for a good half hour. The first time I met said neighbours, the woman who was in her fifties wore no bra, a sheer kaftan and no pants. I was stunned. They were quite funny though.

  2. I had a roommate once that smoked tons of weed…my boyfriend and I were hanging out in the living room while she and one of her guy friends were getting high in her room. They didn’t think we knew, so they were trying to be really subtle. But, they couldn’t stop coughing! He and I still laugh about how they “must have found the good weed.”

  3. I have a sound and sight pair of stories!
    The first is easy- room next to bathroom. It’s interesting to hear your male roommate sing “I’m washing my d*ck, I’m washing my d*ick” in a singsong voice during a shower.
    I live in a place where if you walk near the townhouses and apartments, you can glance through the basement windows and see the rooms below.
    Twice, I have walked past and saw through the window- a large, naked man painting at 1 or 2 A.M. I recall they were flowers.

  4. Oh dang, this thread is just what I needed today.

    My contributions:

    A friend’s neighbor spent an hour one night revving his scooter on the lawn, yelling “F*ck yeah! F*ck yeah!” and, whenever a car passed, yelling at his dog Destruction, “F*ck ’em, Destruction!”

    My boyfriend overheard his next-door neighbor having sex, then heard this:
    Girl: What the f*ck, you got c*m in my vagina! (More complaining, then..)
    Neighbor: Babe, babe, hey, would you go get me some McDonald’s?
    Girl: F*ck you!

    My neighbor just likes to have screaming matches with his wife and, from the sounds of it, move furniture at night. He has also fallen through a window and has, on one very lonely day, played “Neon Moon” by Brooks and Dunn NINE times in four hours. Fun!

  5. Visual: We live in an apartment complex that is U shaped, our unit is on the inside so most of our windows face into the unit across the courtyard (read: ivy-choked hallway) when the woman who lives there now first moved in her boyfriend had a hard time remembering that the windows match up perfectly and we can see into each others apartments… especially the kitchen window (no drapes) He used to constantly walk around nekkid. We didn’t want to embarrass him so we would just giggle as we skittered out of the room hoping he didn’t see US. hahaha
    He’s finally learned better to put on a robe and now we all tend to cook dinner at the same time and race to see who would finish cooking first, or make the tastiest looking meal. It’s rather fun!

    aural: the walls to the hallway are paper thin and there are some really great conversation snippets we catch as people are walking by. out in the hallway one can hear everything that goes on in the units. One night FH and I were watching big trouble in little china and some guys walking by heard it and began quoting along with the movie!

    • Aw, I miss apartment window-neighbors. I have almost no relationships with my house-neighbors, but am still good friends with someone I met when we lived across a courtyard from each other years ago.

  6. Our next door neighbors are really into sports, so when we watch anything live we always know who they’re rooting for based on the extremely loud cursing/cheering. Now we sometimes try to find the game they’re watching when we hear the yells.

  7. Ha! I think I just may be one of these noisy neighbors! A couple months ago I was due to deliver my son. As per midwives orders I was to bounce on an exercise ball for 15min 3-5 times a day and “get him out!” Once while bouncing in my living room I heard banging on my floor boards. Taking a cue from my downstairs neighbors, i moved to the bedroom and continued bouncing when I heard MORE banging. Well, I needed to follow orders, so I moved AGAIN to my closet and continued bouncing (as quietly as possible) when I heard loud banging at my DOOR. My very rude neighbor informed me she could hear me “fucking, knock it off!” She and all her friends have always been rather rude, but when I explained the ball bouncing and that i was also currently the only one in the apartment she went bright red and said she wouldn’t bother me anymore. Cracks me up! Didn’t realize how noisy our floor boards are!

  8. Now see, my best story is of an example where we were being “that couple…”

    I was living in the dorms at the time, on the third floor, and my long-distance girlfriend was over for the weekend. Lovely spring evening, so we opened the window to let fresh air in, and then got carried away… and then I got loud…

    And while taking a deep breath, clearly heard a voice drifting up from the sidewalk outside, “She has GOT to be faking.”

    I definitely stopped making sexytime noises, because I was trying too hard to laugh silently.

  9. At my mom’s house, one of her neighbours is learning to play drums. He has them set up in his garage, and he’s really, really bad at it. He likes to practice with his garage door open, and a Learn To Play Drums video, or a music video on that he copies from. It’s awful, listening to CLASH BANG BANG FUCK I DID THAT WRONG! CLASH BANG BANG CLASH! FUCK! at all hours of the day. It does make giving directions to the house easy though. “Look for the shirtless crazy guy playing drums in his garage. We’re the house next to him!”

    At the apartment I live in currently, we live next door to a couple who has a very young baby. Every night, the parents read to the baby, who obviously has a crib next to our shared wall. My boyfriend and I love it when the dad comes in to read, since he ‘reads’ lyrics to rap songs, internet commentary and other very inappropriate things. It’s quite funny to hear lyrics like “Big money talkin to you, Mothaf*cka that’s cause big money brought it to you” in baby talk.

  10. In my first apartment, I lived below a very loud couple we called Mr. & Mrs. Thunderfoot because they seemed to STOMP rather than walk around the apartment. They argued a lot and one night I had my sister staying with me and we decided to stay up very late watching horror movies. The Thunderfoots began argueing loudly and suddenly we heard a huge thump come from upstairs, then silence. We didn’t think too much of it as they seemed to drop heavy objects on the floor frequently.
    About 20 mins later my sister used the bathroom then began shrieking! She came running out drenched in watery red liquid that was leaking from the bathroom ceiling! Our sleep deprived, horror movie watching selves were convinced Mr. Thunderfoot killed Mrs. Thunderfoot and was draining her blood in the bathroom above us. I called my landlord in a panic, and he investigated. Turned out that a rusty pipe broke above my bathroom. What perfect timing!

  11. This might be my new favorite post on OffbeatHome.

    When I was living at home, I was up at about 3am one night and on my balcony. Two motorcyclists roared down the street, pulled even with each other and started yelling. Turns out they were introducing themselves, flirting, and making plans to hook up. Just met. On the road. I think they were drunk and headed to another bar.

    And yes, we have been THOSE people. My husband being the guy who tow-chained his truck to another guy’s half ton in the complex parking lot and they both burned rubber in reverse trying to straighten out Hubbs’ grill. Looked like tug-o-war on steroids.

    Until recently, we had a sweet guy living next door to us. He was a welding student from out of town, very kind and polite. He wrecked his truck, and since he had the skill and shop at school, proceeded to order parts for it and put it all back together. Well, we were home and he was not, so we spent a few hours every week for a month with boxes the size of refrigerators in our living room.

  12. when I was in college I lived in a 4-plex with my boyfriend. Above us lived three guys and one girl, who was dating on of the guys. The couple had the bedroom right above ours so we would hear them having sex. One night we turned up our movie to drown them out. suddenly we hear a shriek, a thump and the girl yell “He just licked my ass! Cooper just licked my ass!” her boyfriend started shouting trying to figure out how the dog got into the closed room and we heard two sets of feet run from the door to the living room while the shouting continued.

  13. I still remember being a little girl in my grandparents’ house and waking up in the middle of the night to this conversation (which was VERY loud, because they were in their 90s and very hard of hearing):

    Grandmother: Horace! HORACE!!
    Grandfather: What is it, Alixe?
    Grandmother: What? Speak up, Horace!
    Grandfather: I can’t hear you, speak up!
    Grandmother: What?
    Grandfather: What?
    Grandmother: What?
    Grandfather: What?
    Grandmother: WHAT?
    Grandfather: WHAT?!
    Both?: *scufflescuffle* (At this point, I think they gave up on hearing and started motioning. A few minutes passed, and then… )
    Grandfather: Just put it under the rug, Alixe! *scufflescuffle* *lightclicksoff*

    And that was it. I looked under the rug the next day but I couldn’t find anything… still my favorite mystery.

  14. Oh, I hate to admit it, but we are that noisy amorous couple, the walk-around-naked-all-the-time couple and the classically-trained-voices couple. There are showtunes in the shower and screams in the bedroom.

    We, however, do not complain about the loud Call-of-Duty players and Greco-Roman wrestlers that live above us. They’re vastly superior to the profoundly loud expletives howled during domestic disturbances at our last apartment complex.

    Brief poll: I saw some other neighbors leaving their apartment carrying lots of boxes of Settlers of Catan. Would it be creepy to approach them for possible gaming?

  15. The guy in the apartment that connects to my smallest wall is only loud in the bathroom. For some reason I can hear him, and his loud girlfriend, only when I’m in the bathroom. So one day I’m brushing my teeth and my neighbor, who is very obviously on the toilet, starts talking on the phone. I can hear him perfectly and I realized he was trying to sell his motorcycle…while on the toilet.

  16. I know, this thread is old…but…

    My upstairs neighbor was really grumpy. She was always screaming “F*ing white b*tch!” at me out of her kitchen window when I’d leave for work. But the funniest, was when I took my dog out to pee at about 5am.

    Typically I’d run my dog down the stairs to do his business. This time I ran out of bags, so he pooped and I was going to go back inside and get one. It was 5am and she blew a fog-horn out of the window shouting “pick up your dog’s poop!”

    I had to laugh, because, what else are you gonna do?

  17. yup not stranger to that. Like hearing the base-line to a song so often that when you hear it on the radio you think “I know this song, why don’t I know the melody or any lyrics?” Along with being able to say, “oh no, they put the slow jams on lets go out to eat tonight” . I’ve also been on the receiving end of being heard too! We had just gotten a new puppy, and he distorted my husbands new glasses (he defiantly needs them to see) so my husband yelled something to the extent of “what the f**k is your problem, are you f**ing stupid?” odd thing to say to a dog (specification: my husband is not the kind of guy to say thinks like that EVER but for some reason it just slipped out) well my neighbor came up to me a few nights later, and gave me a sideways look, then asked “is everything okay at home?” I laughed out loud. It look me a few seconds of realize she had overheard the hubs yelling at the new puppy and that she probably didn’t believe me.

  18. My college roommate and I had a great apartment but it did not have air conditioning. During warmer months, we’d always have the windows open and discovered that we could hear our neighbors loud and clear in the bathroom. They were a young cohabitating couple and they fought all the time, which was entertaining. The fight we will never forget is when she confronted him after discovering he had cheated on her and given her Herpes. We could barely contain our sqeals.

  19. We live above a bar, and since we could hear EVERYTHING below us, and I am quite, ahem, LOUD when being intimate with my husband, I know they heard! 😛 Never cared, since we heard our fair share of stuff from them. We’ve recently moved to the back apartment, though, and we can no longer hear them, since the bar is in the front.
    Also, on our wedding night, I was about to hand over my virginity when the couple in the room next to ours started making the fakest sex noises I’ve heard in a looong time. My husband and I decided to wait until they were done to start because it was just too weird. lol It’s a good story, at least!

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