The year I started dating god with a lowercase g

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This photo is actually a threesome between me, god, and my stupid Brooklinen sheets that I love deeply.

UPDATE 2020:

This post was integrated into chapter of my book, From Sh!tshow To AfterglowIf you’re dealing with a shitshow, the book will help you overcome personal trauma through creative self-development.

Read a free chapter, or buy the book from AmazonAudible, or your local bookseller.

Comments on The year I started dating god with a lowercase g

  1. Wow.

    How did you know that you were connecting with god / something bigger? Was it something you could physically feel? Did you have to believe in it in before you could experience it? I’m not sure I’m asking the right questions, but I am very interested in this process.

    As an aside, I ditched my phone for an entire day on Saturday and it felt amazing.

    • For me, the awareness was a physical sensation that emerged first during a violent panic attack (thankfully my first and last), then again from a reiki treatment, then later when an opera singer spanked me. (…I know. It’s a long story.)

      Once I had a few intense surprising introductions to the sensation of being fully present, I started practicing to do it consciously on my own. Now, if I take a breath and pay attention, I can almost always access it, even if only fleetingly. Meditation definitely helps… I’m a busy, loud, anxious, perpetually-moving kind of person, so it takes a lot of effort for me to sit quietly and just be in the present moment and listen. But the effort is worth it!

      For me, I did not have to believe in anything. I mean, did I believe in a fucking opera singer? I did not. I’m generally a skeptic, so my attitude has always been “I don’t understand WHAT this is or WHY this is or if I even believe THAT it is, but somethings happening…” I still identify as an agnostic — I have no idea what’s going on. All I know is that when I get really quiet and get present, SOMETHING is going on and I feel better than I did when I wasn’t able to access it.

      It’s a total mystery to me, honestly. I have no definitive answers.

      PS: Congrats on a day unplugged! I think I went like 15 minutes the other day. :/

  2. “There’s a reduction of pressure, because now I try to stabilize myself off of the present moment, instead of the present person. ”

    THIS THIS THIS. I don’t know how to do it yet but you put into words what I realize I have been trying to do since my separation. I’m a serial monogamist who’s never lived alone until now and this whole finding me and finding presence and finding god has been challenging not leastly (I’m pretending thats a word) because I don’t know what to call it or how to do it. Thank you for sharing your journey (blech that’s cliche). Please keep sharing. And please find a publisher for your book or just self publish!

    • Yeah, the big aha for me was when, after feel jacked around by relationships, I felt like I needed something, ANYTHING that I could really truly count on and I was like… you know who’s always there for me when I’m freaking out? MEDITATION. You know who always texts me back? MEDITATION. You know what always makes me feel a little better than I did before? MEDITATION.

      Then I was like… holy shit, I think I just formed a secure attachment with my own meditation practice.

      And THEN I was like, wait does this make me like a nun who gets married to God? I’m not Christian, nor am I monogamous, so the comparison isn’t quite accurate… but it was still a shock to recognize that it was essentially the same thing.

      Then I saw some rando’s online dating profile, where he was like “I don’t want to be anyone’s primary partner — you should have someone else (and yes, The Universe counts).” And I was like “Ohhhhh.”

      For me, my marriage was that primary anchor for almost 20 years. Now, I’m working to shift myself so that my primary anchor is spiritual, so that my partnerships can be less fraught with existential fear and angst and pressure for the relationship the the thing that makes everything feel ok. Because relationships come and go. People come and go. Life comes and goes. Basically, all I’ve got is my conscious awareness in the present moment… and it turns out that’s actually a lot?

    • “This podcast produces clarity and insight by looking at essential topics through the lenses of art, faith, and science–and has helped millions start the journey to growth and recovery following spiritual estrangement.”

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  3. I love reading this and that it feels like we are so very similar in our travels along whatever it is that is happening. Gosh, when I got divorced, in addition to becoming suicidal and quitting all basic care of myself, my uterus grew fibroids and I got strep vagina (yep, it’s a thing). My body literally cock blocked me out of using casual sex to get through it. But I crashed so hard because I was relying on him and our marriage to be my everything, including where I put all my faith and proof that I mattered.

    A lot of what you are saying is why I figured out that I like AA and step work. People get caught in the old white guy semantics of it, but if you use words that resonate for your personal needs, “the program” can be very Buddhist/existential/woo-woo/whatever you need it to be. It’s helped me learn to have faith in things I don’t really understand and to be free of codependency. And it’s given me community, which is so important to thriving and being human. And in tandem, I found meditation and a love for yoga and my voice.

    Anyway, we are all just trying to make our bodies and minds and souls make sense together as a unit, right? I am still figuring it out, but removing my distaste for spirituality and finding out that I like believing in something bigger has propelled me pretty far.

  4. I’m really loving these posts you’ve been making Ariel. While I’m on kind of the opposite end of the spectrum, in my mid 20’s, first year of marriage, and expecting my first child, I’ve found a lot of what you’ve been talking about has really been resonating with me. I’ve spent so much of my life from complete isolation of my peers or in an extremely codependent relationship and weirdly enough it took getting pregnant to have an “oh shit. I should probably develop something outside of my relationship with my husband and soon to be child” but really stumbling around trying to figure it out. I’ve never lived alone, and in fact have rarely had so much time alone as I do now, that its kind of daunting to not constantly have whatever I’m doing revolve around someone else. So seeing how someone else goes through it and what they use as a jumping off point has been really helpful for my own questioning and fumbling around. Thank you.

  5. Thank you for having the courage to live this, Ariel. To go forth without preconceived notions and find what works for you, and report back. Spirituality does not have be be what we’ve been told.

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