Tara and her partner are at odds: he wants to adopt, she wants to have biological children. How can they meet in the middle and both be happy?
I’m still a parent-to-be considering family options with my partner. He and I have been together for 6+ fantastic years, are in our late 20’s, and are getting serious about starting our family. What that family looks like, though, is something we’re divided on.
I have an inherant need to have a biological child, period. I know I would feel a deep sense of loss were this to not happen for any reason. He is a huge believer in adoption, to give homes to children who are already in the world. He’d rather not procreate and just adopt two children. After long discussions, we agree that the hypothetical “best” scenarios for the children might be either two adopted kids or two biological kids — this being because there would be no risk of the potential conflict of an adopted kid’s resentment/sadness over the from-birth experiences of their sibling. However, one of us would feel a strong sense of loss in either scenario.
I would love to have a blended (bio/adopted) family, but would be fine with two biological children. I think a blended family could be beautiful and that the positives would outweigh the potential downsides. He would prefer two adopted kids, but would prefer the blended family over not getting to adopt at all. I hope we’ll end up both feeling positive about a blended family as our choice.
Tell me, Offbeat Mamas, Papas, and EVERYONE: how can we find a common ground?
Comments on How can my partner and I find common ground about adopting vs. having biological children?
It sounds like you’ve already found a compromise: 1 biological child, 1 adopted child.
Your concerns about a blended family are valid but because you’re already thinking about it, you’ve probably eliminated the problem. As long as you’re open and honest with both kids, it should be fine.
One of my closest friends was adopted and soon after, his parents had a “miracle” (read: unexpected) biological baby. He and his sister get along well and he never had any resentments over her “bio” status.
The decisions we have to make when starting a family can be huge and emotional, but just keep leaning on one another and you’ll come to a compromise. Good luck! 🙂
I’m not a parent yet, but I imagine one of the hardest things about becoming a parents is trying to accept that you can’t provide an absolutely perfect situation for your kids.
Are you two fostering yet? It may help clarify some of these issues for both of you – right now it sounds like you are both in the ideation stage, where you are imagining (in his case) just the positive or (in your case) just the negative aspects of adopting a kid.
Hi, Original Poster here 🙂 No, we’re not fostering yet, but that is actually the route we’d take, foster-adopt. Private adoptions a great option for some folks, but we certainly don’t have the money for it, and there are so many children needing loving homes in our foster care system in the US. I do agree that there really can’t be any “perfect” scenario-that you just love the hell our of your kids and do the best you can.
It is SO hard to compromise when it comes to your kids! I feel like when my husband and I compromise, we rarely meet in the middle; somebody gets their way and somebody doesn’t. Of course, we make our decisions based on what is best for the children, but still 🙂
I really think that one bio and one adopted is the way to go! Both children are definitely wanted…. it won’t matter where they came from. Even with two bio or two adopted, the risk of ANY kind of resentment is there. I have two bio girls, but they have different dads. I’m worried about some resentment either way later on down the road, but for now they just love each other!
I totally agree with the “resentment can come from anywhere.” I know families who’s bio-siblings harbor resentment toward one another for various reasons, or one bio kid feels like the black sheep of the family, etc. Parenting and families are ultimately just a big crap shoot 🙂
i would have your own baby and then figure it out. i would not give up your dreams of having a baby for anything! there is nothing like having your own child. i would give birth to one and adopt one a few years later. or you could have two, wait till they are they are in middle school or high school and adopt two then… like starting a whole new family. you are so young yet, you have all the time in the world to decide! but what ever you do, do not give up your dreams of having your own baby… have one first, what you want to do will be figured out then. it takes years to adopt a child. it is a huge, long process.
Thanks for your thoughts Jessica. We wouldn’t adopt through international or domestic adoption, which I know is time consuming and expensive. We’d foster-adopt through an agency or a local county.
even then, it can take years to adopt a child through foster care. it is a huge, long process with extensive background checks and your house and life have almost have to be perfect. they are more likely to let you adopt a foster child if you have your own child first to get some experience first.
my step daughter had siblings from her mother (four of them each taken away almost at birth) that were adopted out. her second child was in three different foster homes and reunited with his mother once in the first year. after he turned one, he was finally placed in a relative’s home. that was three years ago and the adoption still isn’t final, even though after two years of being placed in foster home there, the mom finally signed her rights away on the child. she had two years to decide what she wanted to do and the county had two years to terminate her rights and decide if she could get the child back. it will probably be another year before the adoption is finalized, meaning, five years total for this child to be permanently placed. it usually takes a very long time to adopt a foster child. two of her other children (were taken away at birth but had the same dad so were placed in the same home) were placed in the same home that they weren’t related too. it has been three years and the adoption on either of them is not finalized. in fact, she had a chance to take the first child back even though he had been there for two years. but she decided she didn’t want either of them and signed away her rights… it has been a year since she did that and still no adoption. what i am saying is, it is super complicated to adopt a foster child and it is a long process. i am not saying don’t do it. it is awesome that you want to do it. we need more people like that in the world. i would just have a baby first… you are so young, it will be years before you can adopt and you have time yet.
wow, thanks for the clarification.
i’m sure it varies by child (for example, i’ve read stories about kids who were placed in foster-adopt homes and their parental rights had already been terminated) too. i do understand that the actual finalizing of an adoption can take a really long time. i know that social workers do a lot to try and keep kids with their birth parents and/or family members first.
i have a mentor, thankfully, in the area, who has adopted her four children through foster-adopt in our county.
“they are more likely to let you adopt a foster child if you have your own child first to get some experience first.”
This part is not true. (And would probably be illegal discrimination.)
In most states you can be clear that you are trying to foster-to-adopt and want children who already have a “TPR” — termination of parental rights. There are more older children with TPRs already in place; not a lot of babies. If you want to foster-to-adopt a baby, it is likely to be a longer, more difficult process with a less-certain outcome. If you are willing to take an older child — and foster systems DESPERATELY need homes for older children, everyone wants a baby but not as many people are willing to take a child — you have many more options.
In the category of “sad but true,” you also stand a better chance of adopting if you are willing to take biracial or multiracial children in the foster care system; a lot of fostering-to-adopt parents want kids who “look like them” and mixed-race children have a harder time getting permanent placements in many states.
I happened to be in family court one day (on a totally unrelated matter) when a fostered-to-adoption 12-year-old finally got her adoption finalized. I still get teary just thinking about it, I have NEVER seen that much unadulterated joy on a child’s face in my life. You may worry that an adopted child might resent not having been with you from birth, but THIS child absolutely knew what being wanted and chosen meant.
That story almost made me cry too.
We’re open to non-infants, absolutely.
I’m a white Irish looking gal and my partner is Latino (his mom is Mexican and his dad is Ecuadorian). I don’t know if it’s easier on KIDS if they look ethnically similar to their adoptive parents, but I could care less about my child’s ethnicity.
See my comment on fost/adopt experience below. I concur that being a bio-parent first has no bearing on ease of adoption.
I do object, however, to the catigorization of transracial availability as “sad but true.” Yes, there are significantly more minority children in the system, but the fact that there is a need for the system at all is the part that’s sad. Truth be told, if you want to adopt out of the foster care system, you will. It may not be your first placement, and you will be in the system a lot longer if you try to match a child’s skin color to your own, but you will eventually adopt.
“there is nothing like having your own child”
I’d just clarify – adopted children are your “own” children. And there’s nothing like “having” your “own” adopted child, either. You’re not an adoptive mama, are you Jessica?
I think she was just expressing her opinion. Everyone is entitled to that.
I was simply pointing out how her language marginalized families that are not formed through birth and genetics – not commenting on her opinion. 🙂
For whatever it’s worth, my wife is adopted and has a brother who was not. They weren’t very close in age (more than 10 years apart) so they didn’t grow up closely, but there was never resentment between the two of them about that. As long as you’re open and honest, I don’t see why it would be an issue.
You can make both feel special – while you’ll likely have documentation of your pregnancy with your biological kid, you can document the adoption process in a similar way (keeping a journal, taking pictures of any big events, etc).
I have a friend who is the oldest of four girls, and she’s the only biological children. The second-oldest was adopted from somewhere in eastern Europe, I think, and the youngest two (they’re quite a bit younger) are Chinese. It’s a beautiful family, and I really don’t think there’s any drama between the adopted and bio children.
I also used to babysit for a family with one biological son and a younger adopted daughter. Again, no drama.
My partner and I have talked about our future hypothetical family, and we’ve agreed that a blended family is the best option.
Having biological children is awesome. You get to LITERALLY create a person! What could be a more humbling and empowering experience? You get to see the beautiful combination of yourself and your partner’s DNA. Amazing.
However, having biological children contributes to overpopulation, so there’s an ethical issue to sort out.
Adopting a child is fantastical. Thousands of wonderful kids need loving homes, and you can provide one. Taking in a child and loving it as your own is the ultimate act of selflessness. You will know that your actions are making the world a better place.
However, adopting a child can lead to big questions and dilemmas in that child’s life that you have to be willing to work through.
Biological children=awesome. Adopted children=awesome. BioKid+AdoptKid=DOUBLE AWESOME.
As long as you always strive to love and treat your children equally and fairly, it all works out. And both you and your partner get what you want.
This response was kickass; thank you! Something my partner and I both agree on is dealing exactly with this “adopting a child can lead to big questions and dilemmas in that child’s life that you have to be willing to work through.” His exact sentiment was that now that he’s all growed up, he feel more ready and open to parenting a child who might have different needs, emotional, cognitive, whatever. And unless we got an infant, most foster children will certainly some with *some* kind of baggage.
Even if you adopt an infant, you can still deal with medical and attachment issues.
A biological clock, a woman’s desire to have her biological baby, is an extremely strong force to respect and understand. Hormones are powerful and most women are blessed (or sometimes it feels like a curse) to have strong hormonally driven lives (which usually at some point means a desire for a baby but this energy can also be utilized on other creative endeavors). Whatever you decide, I think it’s important for men to try and truly understand what women go through and that your drive for a biological child is very real and deeply driven.
Sometimes compromising means one person gets their way and the other doesn’t, but you can both get what you want! As long as you don’t make a big deal out of their differences I think it should be fine. The most important thing is that you’ll both love each child regardless of how they came into your family.
My husband comes from a blended family. His younger brother was adopted 3 years after he was born. They have both always known Pedro was adopted, but it was never an issue. Pedro is now 27 and has never made any serious attempts to contact his birth parents, well beyond the teenage treats anyway! My dad is also the adopted son in a blended family, again he always knew and it was never an issue my Nan and Granpa were always equally loving and proud of all three of their sons. I think if you are upfront about it and even handed with your love, affection and resources then it becomes a non-issue. I say you have found your compromise and it is a good one. I’m sure you are more than capable of having a happy balanced and loved blended family if the soul searching you have both put into this question is anything to go by! Good Luck!
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your kind and thoughtful comments. Personal anecdotes and encouragement are so helpful. Horror stories would be just fine too, or things to be cautious/aware of, but I truly appreciate all the “go for it!”‘s.
It sounds like you’ve already found a compromise: 1 biological child, 1 adopted child.
As far as: “the risk of the potential conflict of an adopted kid’s resentment/sadness over the from-birth experiences of their sibling”
I am adopted and my sister was not. My parents were upfront with me about being adopted from the day they brought me home. There were never any secrets about it and I never felt any resentment or sadness about it nor did I ever feel like I was in anyway “less” I found my birth mother when I was 20 and it’s nice to know who she is but it hasn’t changed my relationship with my adoptive family at all. My Mom and Dad walked me down the aisle at my wedding last year and although my birth mom was invited, she didn’t come. I’m as close as ever with my parents and had a loving relationship with my sister before she passed away. I think blended families are beautiful and as long as you are honest with your kids they will be just fin.
As an adoptee, I am totally against anyone adopting with a “Save the World” mentality. I know that sounds harsh, but I have seen it turn into a bad situation way too many times. The adoptive parents expect the child to be grateful (sometimes not even realizing it) and when that child isn’t grateful for being “saved” from their situation, there is resentment from the parents. I know it sounds unreasonable, yet it happens so often.
Here is my opinion: The right time to adopt is when you want children. Period. You don’t care if they are biological or adopted, you don’t care if some random stranger dropped the kid through your chimney with a bow attached. You just want to give the child a home and love. I feel horrible for even saying this because I can tell you and your partner have totally open and great hearts just from your post, but I don’t think you should have kids of any kind, but especially adopted, unless that is the case. Compromising shouldn’t be the case with children.
Don’t get me wrong, I am totally for adoption. I LOVE being adopted and would have it no other way in a million years. Many people in my family are adopted. It is awesome. I just have seen many situations go bad because of parents adopting with the purpose of doing good in the world.
So if you and your partner both agree that it doesn’t matter how the kids come into your lives, as long as you have children, then by all means, I say adopt one and have a biological one. I doubt there will be resentment because I don’t think there will be a difference in treatment in that case. But if where they came from ultimately matters to you both, then there will likely be some problems.
Sara, thank you so much for your response. I have actually read a ton on adoption/fostering, and that seems to be a really common suggestion-don’t adopt if you want to “save the world.”
i want to have kids to love and be a part of my family, period. however, the need to carry a child of my own is very real. i also know my own heart and know that i’ll love a kid in my life no matter whose womb he/she grows in. so maybe that’s a contradictory statement. i know in my heart that whether a kid grows in my womb or not, if he/she is in my family, they’re MY kid. i know my guy wants to adopt, and i share this, because we know there are other ways to bring kids into our lives, and we got a lot of love to give.
Awesome! I always feel horrible if I criticize people when they express desire to adopt, because I LOVE adoption. Still, I feel the need to express caution since as you know, it is a BIG issue.
I was also adopted, and I totally agree with what you’ve said. The funny thing is, my parents adopted me because they could not conceive (back then there was no IVF), and they still have this martyr complex that has created an enormous amount of friction between us. Whenever I tried to express my sadness around my feelings of abandonment I would get the “we gave you everything and did everything for you, you would be living in a trailer park if it wasn’t for us” speech. Regardless of what adoptive parents do for their kids there is going to be a lot of negative feelings surrounding adoption. No matter how little time an adoptee spent with their birth parents, a family has been created at the expense of another and it’s a sad situation.
If I could give the author any advice it would be to seek out as many adopted people, or people who went through the foster system and talk to them about their experience. I’ve noticed that adoptive parents have a much greater voice on the internet and in the media in general. It seems to me like a lot of adoptees experiences are not heard and you may learn something that sways you one way or the other.
r.m….your story made my heart ache a bit. i can’t imagine giving a person that kind of “we saved you, you should be so grateful!” line. we’d be choosing foster/adopt because we want to, not as a consolation prize. i definitely understand adoption IS a second choice for some couples, but a child’s presence in your life should always feel like a great gift.
thanks for the suggestion about seeking our adoptee/former foster kid stories. i have read some, but haven’t found many yet.
There’s a really great book called Three Little Words that was written by a teenager who was adopted from the foster care system. I highly recommend it, although obviously her experience was different from the experience of someone adopted younger.
I’m not adopted and my mother still gives me “We did everything for you! Not many kids get to (fill in with whatever random stuff we did as a family).”
I was given that line too except it was you should be grateful I gave you life. In my teens I finally snapped back with “Mom I’m suicidal!” That was my worry about having my own kids bringing a life into the world that doesn’t want to be here. So far my 4 year olds love life.
When my parents adopted my little sister from Ukraine (at age 5), my brother was 8 and I was 10. A blended bio-adopted family works just fine, although I’d recommend not distrupting the birth order if possible. It was a defining moment in my childhood and I respect my parents tremendously because of their decision to adopt after already having their “own” kids, as relatives remarked at the time. Adoption isn’t a walk in the park, but it’s also pretty awesome.
beth, yes, thank you. i’ve read that consistently-that adopting out of birth order is a big no-no. i’d actually gravitate toward adopting first (because we’d likely end up with a toddler or younger child) and then having a bio kid later.
it’s interesting, the “own” kids kind of concept. i was sharing with my mom about what’s going on, and she said something like that. i gently corrected her, because no matter where a child comes from, if they’re in my family, they’re my kids. i think it’s important for adopted children to know where they come from, about their birth mom/family and all of that but i hate the idea of creating separation/difference of “oh, this child’s ‘yours’ because you gave birth to them.” 🙂
Just a quick note to say that I have three friends that have “adopted out of birth order”. I don’t know the literature you speak of, but they seem to be doign well so far. Both families have a bio kid, then an an adopted kid, then another bio kid. From my experience, the adopted kid being around for the bio kid being born just makes them more a part of the family, they don’t feel like they were a “consolation prize”, and they get to participate in the continued growth of the family.
I have one biological child and I cannot have anymore. It is a miracle that my son is here. If we choose to have another child, s/he would obviously be adopted.
We are still discussing our family. My husband wants another child and I, well, I’m very tired, probably too tired to make that decision at this point in my life. We have looked into foster-to-adoption as well.
If we do this, our approach would be to let both our children know that they were miracles. Our son is a miracle, a healthy creation from one very imperfect vessel. Our adopted child would be a miracle, a gift from God to our family that could not be supplied by my body.
I have no sugar coating about adoption. I know it will be tough. I work with youth, a few who are adopted. There are lots of questions that don’t have easy answers. I do know that lots of love can heal many wounds and honesty is the best policy.
I hope you two can come to a compromise you both believe in!
I’m not sure how religious you are. I tend to not be, but still open minded. You could technically put any sort of spiritual twist on this that you wanted. I just found it to be very sweet.
My cousin and her husband have 2 biological boys. She always wanted the possibility of having a girl someday, but reproductive issues from bad c-sections left her unable. They talked about it for awhile and decided to adopt finally.
They decided to be very open with Lilly about the adoption, as she would be coming into the family as a baby, but she would have 2 older, almost-teenage brothers. She tells Lilly that the boys came from God and were born from her belly… but that Lilly came from God and was born in her heart.
Like I said, not really a religious fan, but I thought the idea of it was really quite sweet. It could be used for many spiritual faiths. Maybe it will help you come up with an idea on how to make a blended family work, because I do believe that is what will work for your family and where you are headed.
very sweet idea 🙂 we’re not religious people at all though; dropping any kind of God-references wouldn’t be in keeping with our beliefs. maybe something like “you grew in X’s belly but i knew in my heart you were meant to be in this family.”
That’s a good twist on the idea. I’ve thought about it a lot because I’m pretty sure we may adopt in the next few years, but couldn’t really think about how I’d twist it to work for us either. I thought maybe just taking out any God references and saying child A was born from my belly and child B was born from my heart.
And I kinda think the birth order stuff can all get screwed… I think if you are doing it because you genuinely want to bring a child into your home to love, it doesn’t matter the birth order. I have 2 children that are biologically mine (one from a previous marriage and one with my partner now) so we shouldn’t adopt even though we will be capable? My cousin did it backwards, also. She treats all the children the same and doesn’t play favorites. She loves them all equally. Lilly couldn’t be happier.
I think “out of birth order” means adopting a child who is older than your existing children (i.e., adopting an 8 year old when you have a 6 and a 4 year old already, making your “oldest child” suddenly a “middle child”)
I know that others have said this, but I think this is the most important thing to remember when confronting hard decisions:
The fact that you’re both already aware that there could potentially be hard feelings and difficult situations in the future means that the outcomes will be met with deliberation, consideration and intelligence. And I think that ensures that the outcome will be less hard on any kid, and could even be by-passed to begin with!
I agree with the readers who say drama and resentments can happen within any family, and I also agree with the readers who say it sounds like you’ve already found your solution. If you do end up having a blended family, my advice to you – crazy as it sounds – is to try not to overthink it. Define your “new normal” and live your life just like any other family does, dealing with the issues as they come.
FYI, My husband and I adopted, transracially, out of the foster care system last year, (and we are far from perfect!). Our daughter was placed with us as a newborn and we finalized when she was 10 months old. This is considered VERY fast in the system, but adoptions go all kinds of different ways. No one can tell you how your path will go, not even when you’re on it. When she was placed with us, one worker told us it was a “sure thing.” Three months later, some family issues came up with her bio family and another worker told us there was no way she would stay with us. The pendulum swung back and forth the whole time. We went through the entire holiday season that year on a day to day basis. We’d go to bed at night grateful for the day we just had with our child and praying for just one more. (We’re not religious people, but nothing sends up requests to the Universe faster than the thought of losing your child.) Every time the phone rang, our hearts would stop. It was wrenching.
Obviously, everything worked out and we adore our baby girl beyond our wildest dreams. Sometimes I can’t help but look at her and worry about the issues to come, but I check myself and stop. After everything we went through, time spent fretting about hypothetical problems is a waste. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not in denial about some of the potential issues ahead, but we’d rather be loving and adoring her, and teaching her that adoption is awesome and all that there are all kinds of different families in the world – and just cross each bridge openly and honestly when we get there.
What’s “normal” in each and every family is different, and this is about finding our new normal and then navigating the way as we go, just like any other family.
I was recently out shopping when I had an encounter with a 10 year old black girl and her white mother. The girl looked at my baby and blurted out “is she adopted?” I said “she sure is” and the little girl smiled and proudly proclaimed “so am I!” I almost started crying, because that single little honest moment completely defined how we want our “normal” to be.
Laura-thank you so much for sharing your story. I love the concept of a “new normal” and your journey with your daughter is beautiful.
I dated a man who was adopted and then 2 yrs later his parents had a bio child. It came up in conversation once and he had no resentment toward his bro or feeling like they loved one more than the other. There is a famous quote about ” I have 4 children 2 adopted, and 2 bio. I forget which is which.” Good luck with your choice but I think one of each is a wonderful option.
I think to look at “normal” we should really look back a little in history. My families roots are in rural Nova Scotia. A few summers ago I was looking through a book that traced family trees of all the family names in the area and there were these weird —- lines that would conect one families child name to another one at 6, 12, 2 years. I had to ask what was going on since they would later be shown to marry into another family. The jotted lines showed the children who survived their parents and were adopted by neighbours, family friends, or relatives. Sometimes they would even change their family name. In some eras (ie: WW1 and TB outbreaks) this was VERY common. Adoption into families happened alot and it was expected that families would look to these children in rural areas where there was no other option. That is a long way to say that adopted kids plus bio kids doesn’t mean “one less special” child. A bio child is the one that was born from your womb, an adopted child was born in your heart. Either way they are yours. My lil sis is not bio related to me, but I believe she was born to be my sister, it just took some time to find her 🙂
There are a lot of good comments here. I’m an adoptive mom and my husband and I were in a very similar situation to you. We both wanted to adopt, I was also interested in getting pregnant and he had no interest in having a genetically related child.
Things that helped us were first, being very clear on what our response to any fertility issue would be. (in our case we weren’t interested in going very far down that road) and we agreed to compromise. It turned out we would probably have had to do IVF to get pregnant so that answered the question for us! And we couldn’t be happier – in fact we are likely going to take permanent measures to prevent any “miracle” pregnancies and any future children will also be adopted. Going through the process changed any longings I had toward getting pregnant.
So, first consider that you may not be able to get pregnant easily. It’s not a guarantee. Second, you are young enough that you could adopt first, but probably want to try getting pregnant. Finally – adopting isn’t as difficult as some people here seem to think. If you do foster-adopt through an agency you can bypass some of the up front bureaucracy that comes with dealing directly with the state. It will not be a problem that you are first time parents (if, indeed, you are at that point.)
All that being said – blended families are awesome, and there are pros and cons to any route you choose. So go for it. 🙂
Like the ones who were adopted said, don’t adopt with a “save the world” mentality; even though it seem as if you don’t. Its a strong vibe that if you adopt older kids they can feel, and if you do end up adopting in domestic newborn adoption, the birth mother can surely tell too.
Also no matter which adoption process you go thru if you do end up down this road, Don’t EVER bash the birth parent. even if you know they were crack heads you should always paint them in a good light or your child my end up feeling resentment towards you saying that you are just making it up or they might start feeling that it might not be their choice, that they will also go down that road as they have the same DNA and all. Which I don’t believe is all that true, but seeing some of the things my daughter does is just like me even though she lives with her parents 3,000 miles away is leading me to really believe their is somethings that environment/nurture just can’t win of nature. I’m not saying to lie to your kids about their first families and not tell them they were addicted to crack or whatever, but just don’t go around bashing them either (you get what I mean?)
Also, be OPEN to your kids wanting to find their first families. You will always be their mom, but sometimes they just need to find out who and where they came from. Yes that may end up with them having a great relationship with their bio parents and you may feel some jealousy, and thats okay, just don’t try and stop them or play the “But I raised you, that should be enough” card.
I am a birthmom in a open adoption with my daughter and her parent. I placed her when she was born. not because I couldn’t parent or I was unfit or a drug user or all the other stereotypes there are about us, but because I loved her so much and didn’t want her to live the life I did with my mom. I didn’t want to have to work 3 jobs to provide for her only to miss out on her life and the events she had going on and were important to her. I love my mom to death and am thankful for all of her hard work, but formost of my life she was a stranger to me. She never could afford a day off work and I only saw her early in the morning when sh’ed wake me up to get ready for school and she would be gone to work by the time my feet hit the floor. She missed out on so much that it hurt me. I am 98% certain that if I didn’t get raped and pregnant our relationship would still be the same. So I placed her with a family that I thought could provide her with all the things that she would NEED and some of the things she would want as well (I didn’t want her spoiled though ;p). I knew I could not provide for all of her needs. Love is just not enough.
But her parents not only adopted her, the basically adopted me as well. “C” knows I’m her birthmom and she tells people she has 2 mommies and a daddy and it’s okay with her parents and me. She also knows my mom as “grandma”. As she gets older, she will be able to say how much communication she wants with me and such, but she will always know how much I love her and cared for her and did what I thought was best by her.
I long to have her with me, but my life would not be where its at right now if I had kept her. I would be in the same boat as I was 4 1/2 years ago. instead she is happy and thriving and being such a cute ham and is having all of her needs met and will also be my flower girl in my wedding coming up and her mom is also one of my bridesmaid (that’s how open we are, fyi)
As far as you OP wanting to also have a bio child, I’d say go for both. both are wonderful in their own special ways. I was so happy when I had a baby growing in me and even now I still miss it (but that’s also due to the adoption and being a childless mother). I am looking forward to the day when FH and I decide its the right time to have kids and get regnant and I am looking forward to also adopting older kids as well so they know they are loved and wanted and can overcome their past (not that I have the save the world mentality. I just have a heart for older kids that get passed up over infants, that has got to be really hard)
Good luck in your future kid makings which ever they be!
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I think the kind of openness and communication you’ve got going on is a beautiful thing, truly. And yes, I totally see your point on honesty about birth parents without being hateful/bashing.
My childhood friend Carrie is the author of a wonderful blog called “Portrait of an Adoption,” which chronicles not only the adoption process of her beautiful daughter Katie (who herself became internet famous for her Star Wars lunchbox not too long ago!), but also the process of having 2 subsequent biological children. Carrie and her family’s story (which is not all rainbows and unicorns, mind you) really cements for me that all you need is love to create a family!!
My husband is adopted and through him I know a number of other families with adopted children, many of those families with both adopted and bio children. I don’t think possible resentment is good enough reason not to go for it, and I also wouldn’t automatically assume that it would be the adopted child who would end up resentful. Making the decision to adopt one before you attempt to become pregnant takes away any notion that the adopted child is the second best option.
I have my own bio son and if finances allow, I would love to add an adoptee to the mix.
My mother is the product of a blended adopted/biological family. She is biological, and her brother and sister are both adopted. Growing up, my mother would ask her parents over and over if she was adopted because her brother and sister told her, “Mom and Dad CHOSE us; they were just stuck with you.” I’m sure this was because her brother and sister were both older and it was two against one.
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