Help! Work is killing my sex life

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Sad kitty, empty bed. (Photo courtesy of the  Yours  Mine  and Noir's bedding set)
Sad kitty, empty bed. (Photo courtesy of the Yours Mine and Noir’s bedding set)
My husband and I, after many years of slog in the trenches, have finally emerged with jobs that we both find fulfilling and interesting. Now that we’ve finally reached a level of experience and graduated from junior status, we are finding that our jobs require more of our effort and more of our time.

So much so that by the end of the day we are both so zapped out that we can barely do the household things at home before collapsing in bed, which has totally killed our sex life!

Holidays are great and full of sexy times, and after a sleep-in we manage in the weekend, but I’d really like to have more intimacy in our daily lives so that we have a better balance of personal needs.

I’d love to hear how other Homies have managed to retain the energy and carve out the time for sex when your jobs are demanding. -Cinnamon Girl

We’ve talked about getting your sex drives in sync, and here was some of the best feedback from Homie MoonCatMSW, who was also a sex therapist in-training:

First off, it is in fact really, really normal for the mutual sex drive of a couple to diminish/get out of wack after a couple of years. Neuro-biologically speaking, the way we store memories of our significant other actually changes after we’ve been with them for about 18-24 months. We go from the “OMG can’t get enough of each other” romantic love (stored in the mid-brain or limbic system, responsible for emotional memory processing), which is intense and sexy, but a little overwhelming, to the longer-lasting pair-bonded love (stored in the frontal cortex where we think about preferences like “I love purple”) — that is more manageable long term… so you can go an hour without texting/daydreaming/fantasizing about your partner, but sadly a little less hot and heavy.

So that being said, there are things already talked about [in this post]:

  • mixing up routines
  • making sure you’re getting enough rest
  • taking some “me” time
  • having hobbies that are your own/for your own pleasure
  • have a good diet
  • and maybe get some exercise too

These are very helpful for run-of-the-mill lulls in your sex life.

However, sometimes people find that when they’ve left the aforementioned sexy-times window of early relationship bliss, they discover that, in fact, they have a different level of desire than their partner. Other times, people may be struggling with physical issues (not enough hormones/hormone imbalances, erectile difficulty, difficulty with orgasm), mental health issues (stress, anxiety, depression, body issues, etc.), or relationship issues beyond lower sex drives (dealing with affairs, trouble with communication styles or fighting styles between partners, differing expectations about what constitues “sexy”), to name a few. If your trouble is in one of these categories, please look up a certified sex therapist for a consultation — the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists is the accrediting body for Sex Therapists in the US, and they have a lot of resources for folks in North America.

We are here to help with exactly this sort of thing, and we’re trained mental health professionals, so we can talk about the down-and-dirty details of sex and sexuality, as well as complicated questions of relationship issues. If you’re having on-going trouble, I highly recommend seeing someone professionally, as well as doing your own trouble shooting!

SUPER-SOLID ADVICE. But what about when you totally know the cause of your sex life lull, and it’s not something you can change?

What happens when work is totally being a cock-block and killing your sex drive?

Comments on Help! Work is killing my sex life

  1. A big thing for me, too, has been recognizing that our sex drives are not constant – there’s an ebb and flow to things. For example, when it’s the middle of winter, NEITHER of us want to bang as much, because it’s cold and dark and we’re expending all available mental energy just dealing with OMG WINTER. The first year we lived together, this terrified me – we’d only been living together for six months! We were no longer interested in sex! …and then spring sprang, as it is wont to do, and we both rediscovered our sex drives, and all was well.

    So, you know, definitely think about scheduling and all that – but also think about the impact that various seasonal changes might have on your sex life. Maybe it’s winter, and everything is night forever, and taking off your clothes sounds like the worst choice possible! Maybe it’s the beginning of [x] season, and you are super stressed at work because of [y]! Maybe your partner has seasonal allergies, and sex is super unappealing because OMG BREATHING. Recognizing the underlying causes – and recognizing that they are temporary – can help a lot with feelings of frustration. Just because you’re boinking less doesn’t mean you love each other any less!

    (also, let me second everybody who mentioned JERKING IT. If Partner A is not feeling it, but Partner B needs it bad, ain’t nothing wrong with a little self-love.)

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