My partner and I really want to conceive a child, but as we know, the more you have sex the bigger chance it is to conceive. We are working on getting our mutual sex drive back, but right now it feels like a chore.
How do you get the intimate part of your relationship back? -Fern
Hell, I know that even the child-free, non-married couples in the audience need advice in this area at times. So Homies, whatchu got for us as far as rekindling intimacy in long-term relationships?
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Comments on How do you get you and your partner’s sex drives back in sync?
You could try changing things up to get you both (more) interested. For example: toys, dress-up / role-playing, ropes, different locations, oils of both the baby and/or massage variety, watching porn together, dirty talk…
What also might help is just being extra nice to each other during the day; Holding hands, kisses / hugs for no reason, doing that extra set of dishes for them because you know they don’t like to do it, etc.
Also, easier to say than do I know, is try to not think of “why” you’re doing these things (ie. conceiving); it takes a little pressure off.
So as a Sex Therapist in training, I have a couple of things I’d like to mention.
First off, it is in fact really, really normal for the mutual sex drive of a couple to diminish/ get out of wack after a couple of years. Neuro-biologically speaking, the way we store memories of our significant other actually changes after we’ve been with them for about 18-24 months. We go from the “OMG can’t get enough of each other” romantic love (stored in the mid-brain or limbic system, responsible for emotional memory processing), which is intense and sexy, but a little overwhelming, to the longer-lasting pair-bonded love (stored in the frontal cortex where we think about preferences like ‘I love purple’)-that is more manageable long term… so you can go an hour without texting/daydreaming/fantasizing about your partner, but sadly a little less hot and heavy.
So that being said, there are things already talked about here- mixing up routines, making sure you’re getting enough rest, “me” time, have hobbies that are your own/for your own pleasure, have a good diet and maybe get some exercise too- which are very helpful for run of the mill lulls in your sex life. However, sometimes people find that when they’ve left the aforementioned sexy-times window of early relationship bliss, they discover that, in fact, they have a different level of desire than their partner.
Other times, people may be struggling with physical issues (not enough hormones/hormone imbalances, erectile difficulty, difficulty with orgasm), mental health issues (stress, anxiety, depression, body issues, etc.), or relationship issues beyond lower sex drives (dealing with affairs, trouble with communication styles or fighting styles between partners, differing expectations about what constitues “sexy”), to name a few. If your trouble is more like in one of these categories, please look up a certified sex therapist for a consultation– AASECT, the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists is the accrediting body for Sex Therapists in the US, and they have a lot of resources for folks in North America: http://www.aasect.org/default.aspx
We are here to help with exactly this sort of thing, and we’re trained mental health professionals, so we can talk about the down-and-dirty details of sex and sexuality, as well as complicated questions of relationship issues. If you’re having on-going trouble, I highly recommend seeing someone professionally, as well as doing your own trouble shooting!
I have had a rough couple of years with respect to sex drive so I’ll be watching this thread closely. I had a major surgery and got pregnant during recovery. After the surgery, I was taking Maccha to help balance out my hormones, and it helped increase my sex drive too. I was also charting because we were trying to get pregnant, but also because the surgery resulted in me losing an ovary and I wanted to have an indicator of when I was ovulating (every month or every other month). The maccha was great for my sex drive, but the charting was not. In any case, we got lucky, but my sex drive isn’t what it used to me and I would really like to get that back.
I’ve been charting my cycle and temperature for almost two years and you’re right – something about it really kills the sexytimes! You’re def. not the only one.
Thanks! I read this article back when it was first published, but it’s helpful to read again. And OMG YES… Fertility Friend is the website that time forgot.
So what is maccha? Do you just mean the powdered green tea or is this something else. I’m at the point where I am willing to take something if it will give me my sex drive back.
Lepidium meyenii, known commonly as maca, is a Peruvian root used often for medicinal purposes. It is available as a dried loose powder or in capsule form in most health food stores.
Maca is unique in that it is hormone balancing for both men and women.
*WARNING* – If you have estrogen-dependent tumors or cysts (like PCOS – polycystic ovarian syndrome) DO NOT TAKE MACA! I ended up in the emergency room with the largest, fastest growing ruptured ovarian cyst my doc had ever seen after taking maca for less than one month. Ladies with PCOS get all excited about anything that balances hormones… Didn’t find out about the contraindication until after it was too late.
However, my husband takes maca and has an increased sex drive and more energy with no negative side effects. I have several female friends who use it to boost their libido, regulate their cycle, and control acne (much like being on birth control pills does, but it’s safe while breastfeeding or trying to conceive).
Interesting – my naturopathic doctor was ok with me taking it after my ovarian tumor. We don’t know what caused it, but she’s usually super cautious. I’ll be asking her about this when the baby is born and I’m trying to get my libido back (again).
so, if it was me trying to conceive, first of all, babies would be off the table to discuss. no “do you feel any different today?”, no “can we go get some pregnancy tests this month?”, no asking about my period, ect.
as for just getting into the routine of having sex more, i think you just need to make it into a routine. my boyfriend and i have had a pretty set every-other-day “schedule” (used loosely) and it has worked out well. so, we will have sex one day, not have it one day, have it the next, ect, and its just a routine, a part of your everyday life. now, of course, there will be things that interfere, sometimes you just wont be in the mood, ect, which is why i use “schedule” loosely, but overall, if you create some sort of routine i think that it works nicely. also, on the days you know youll be doin it, you have that to look forward to all day!
It’s hard to say because we don’t know you, but are you getting enough exercise? sleep? nutrition? I never had a problem with my sex drive until I had a baby and now toddler who doesn’t sleep, plus I don’t get as much exercise as I used to. So for me I pretty much know what the problems are.
Sorry I don’t have much advice, but I think once you get going again, it will be something you are just used to doing. It becomes a regular part of the day that you look forward to. Try not to make it a “chore” and I think it will be a habit you can keep up. Some people think that every day is too often, but in my opinion, it’s the best way to start. You both know to expect it at some point that day. Good Luck!
I’m watching this with some interest; I’m currently heading towards the end of my first trimester of my first pregnancy, and my sex drive has just vanished and been replaced by near constant nausea and weariness. I’m hoping that once that goes away, the sex drive will return again, but just in case…
This won’t necessarily be the case, but many women feel a rush of second trimester energy and drive! It could be just around the corner for you… here’s hoping!
so wish this were me. after about a year and change struggling to conceive (including scheduled sex which totally was difficult to make into anything other than a chore after months on end,) we were successful, with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist, injectable drugs and science! my first trimester i spent with zero energy feeling like all the barfs in the world wouldn’t help the nausea (though i didn’t throw up.) zero sex drive. i was looking forward to that 2nd tri energy +/- increased libido……. nope. and now, here i am, feeling big and sluggish and still nothing. my husband, he is a patient, patient saint.
Mine too.
24 weeks in and finally my energy is returning, but I am getting whole chunks of time where I just dont.want.to.be.touched. Especially not in that way.
Thankfully, even though my sex drive has not returned, my willingness to participate has resurrected itself from the dead. Hubby is glad of this much at least!
Every person is different during pregnancy.
I seemed to regain my drive during the second and even third trimesters. In fact I think I was hornier, but now I have a new baby it is almost non-existent. Not in a “I’m really tired” way, but more in a I have none of those hormones way. Its hard though because I still emotionally want that intimacy.
I’m dealing with a similar issue, and I’ve found that working out helps me. Somehow feeling physically exerted makes me feel super sexy for the rest of the day.Do more of what makes you feel sexy! Cooking, reading, crafting, gardening, fishing(??), whatever that is for you.
And also, just preparing for some seduction with lighting some candles, putting on sexy music, putting on something that makes you feel sexy. That all helps too because it takes you out of whatever mode you’ve been in. Your brain is the most important sex organ you have so stimulate it! It can be harder to just spontaneously be on the same page so putting in some effort to set the mood can be good.
Just to add to this flow of logic, if you have time to do things like freshly shave, put on some perfume or do other personal grooming that makes you feel in top form, it can add to the sexy momentum.
I’m on medication that, while not preventing me from climaxing, makes it difficult for me to get in the mood. I find that just asking if I want to have sex will usually result in a “no”, but fooling around, setting the mood, maybe lingerie, and some good foreplay gets me more excited and willing to say “yes”.
Fifty Shades of Grey has become such a phenomenon, but there’s one super-sexy move that a lot of people AREN’T employing: ask your partner to read it to you. Even if erotic literature isn’t your partner’s thing, your partner will probably get on the same page (har) soon enough. Make it a before bedtime nightly ritual. Set aside whatever time you can… 30 minutes should be plenty. If it leads to sex, awesome. If it leads to falling asleep, that’s fine too!
And remember. Just because you’re trying to conceive does not does not does not mean you shouldn’t masturbate. I find that some couples make the mistake of thinking that they have to hop, skip and jump straight to the deed. Masturbation can quickly progress to sex, but it doesn’t even have to every time.
My “over the line” advice… if the partner delivering the semen delivers it outside of the womb-haver, it was not a waste. You had a sexual encounter, and that’s still a win. (And seriously, you can still use that if you want to. Not romantic, but having babies is a messy process.)
When my husband and I are having a little dry spell – I read my own sexy books to myself. Whether it’s on the couch while watching TV, or in the morning (because I woke up first) I get myself excited and then I jump him!! He’s excited by my excitement and aggression, and isn’t bothered or jealous that it didn’t originate with him. We’re both just happy we had good sex, and that excitement lasts for a while.
Whenever I need a sex drive jump I’ll read the smut I have on my bookshelf too. Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty books are always entertaining to read, I’ve even turned it into a party trick for friends who don’t believe books can be porn (pick a page, any page and I’ll read you something dirty off it)
Are you me? I do this too! I always pull one out for friends and tell them to start reading any random page at all. I love seeing the looks on their faces.
ABSOLUTELY. I read my naughty romance novels in bed, and even if I don’t finish by the time he falls asleep, I just wake him up for sex. He’s never once complained, so it works for us. 😛
Nothing has ever been able to get me in the sexytimes mood like books. It works especially well if your partner is gone while you read, IMO – you just get all kinds of keyed up and then as soon as he/she returns – jumping!
Awesomely enough, this comment comes because my boyfriend started reading Fifty Shades of Grey aloud in alternating Bill Compton and awful over-the-top accent voices because we both found it so hilaribad. But when he’s reading something normally, he’s got one of those voices… it just works for me.
He sometimes reads poems to me aloud. Not even love poems, just ones he was familiar with so he could read with gusto and inflection. Totally what attracted me to him in the first place.
And now I’m Googling my little heart out for a clip wherein Oprah says “masturbation”. 1000 internet points to anyone who finds it.
And just in case Gilbert Gottfried doesn’t do it for you, maybe Stephen Hawking does:
Bahaha! “Holy shit this is hot!”
Fifty Shades of Takei:
Further reading- Any Nancy Friday books- compilations of women’s fantasies (and one of men’s fantasies also)
Also, this book is highly relevant and highly recommended:
The Sex Diaries by Bettina Arndt-
“Based on extraordinary intimate diaries of ordinary couples,The Sex Diaries shows the tensions caused by mismatched desire’
I introduced my husband to literotica.com and we enjoy sending each other links to our new favorite stories throughout the day on our smart phones, in case you want some non-Grey erotic literature. 🙂
Me and my SO have definitely had our highs and lows in the frequency department. The best tip I could possibly recommend is keep talking about it, stay positive, and be honest. Celebrate the victories, a little “Hey, good fuckin’ last night!” always makes me smile.
We also found switching up the scenery once and a while can do loads to refuel the tank. We try to take a trip at least once a year just dedicated to relaxing and intimacy, on whatever scale we can afford. Trust me, a good fucking vacation will be worth every penny in Big O’s!
“Hey, good fuckin’ last night!” i. just. died. Well done. My husband’s favorite “we’re done” move is a great high five. Nothing celebrates a good fuckin’ like a high five, and it kept things from getting to “omg will this time make a baby” serious when we were trying to conceive.
We don’t really have an ending gesture, but if I had a nickel for every time one of us went for his zipper and I heard “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” I’d have a small fortune.
I think all men like a good high five, especially after a rather good screw. Mine often high fives me post-coitus and it usually ends up in a tight hand grip and kissing hands. He has also taken to Facebooking “Hulk smash!” I am dreading the day someone figures out why!
Not trying for babies, but I’ll also be watching the responses. This has been a problem for us for a while but he’s very conservative about things like sex. My attempts at humor or even just to get him talking about it usually backfire. These days we’re both affectionate but sexless.
I know the feeling. Mine is not really conservative, but its hard to talk about varying things up or trying something a little more adventurous because he takes it to mean he’s not satisfying me. He also doesn’t understand why I, as a very strong, independent woman, enjoy some lite bondage, and I feel a little weird about it myself.
OMG. Me too…. Thank goodness some other women out there are the same! Reading the other comments, I was starting to think that maybe I *AM* a nympho or “weird” and hubby is “normal”….. which would scare the hell out of me, quite frankly!
same boat here. we’re decidedly child free. We work different shifts (8am to 5pm, and 3pm to 11pm), with me rotating days off, so we only see each other awake for a few hours per week most weeks. Our sex drives don’t match up most of the time now, and the ONE time I tried to get him to watch porn with me it did not go well at all. It does sometimes work out that he can wake me up for sex when he goes to work, and then I can go back to sleep for a few hours before I have to get up.
Ah i know this feeling. My sex drive has been at the centre of a few arguments and tears in the past little while. Right now, even if we wanted to do it more often, our weeks are so busy we don’t even have the time! I have late exercise classes twice a week, and my husband has squash one or twice a week (these things are all on different days too), which usually only leaves us Friday-Sunday, and sometimes Thursday. Here’s what helped us:
– changed birth control. Obviously you won’t have this problem…but in case any other ladies do. I found my pills were making me feel like a robot. 6 attempts later, I settled on Yaz which made me feel the most normal. I’ve been off of my pills for a while now (same reason as you, good luck!), so my drive has kickstarted.
– make a daily reminder somewhere to think sexy thoughts about each other. I made a reminder in my Outlook at work to use any spare time to think sexy things about my husband. This helps put me in the mood for later.
– Try new things. I’m not the experimenting type (I tend to laugh and not take it seriously or get embarrassed…but i have done new things at my own pace), but we have found new things that keep in interesting…whether that’s a new lube (the Yours and Mine from KY is very good), or a fun new prop/toy…it can definitely help.
– Make a schedule. Yes this sounds totally lame, and it kind of is. But if you’re in a real funk like I was. Sometimes forcing it can help regain a rhythm. My husband and I designated specific days for fun time, and then before we knew it…we were doing it more often.
– No pressure. Try not to think about why or how often you are doing it. Doing so will make you feel worse about it. I know I cried many times because I wasn’t being “satisfactory”…even though my husband didn’t mind. If you beat yourself up about it, it’ll make things worse.
– switch up the time of day. This REALLY helped us. I found i was more in the mood in the mornings, whereas he was in the mood…well…whenever. We started going at it in the mornings more (sexy wake up call anyone?), and that really helped jump start things.
So relax and take things slowly. Loudly proclaim to the other partner you’re “just not feeling it” that day, if it’s really feeling like a bother. Try and do things you did together when you first starting seeing each other to try and rekindle that feeling that made you go at it like bunnies.
I agree that changing your birth control can make a difference. Years ago I went through a spell of low-libido (this was well before I started trying to get pregnant). Around the same time I switched birth control for unrelated reasons and… WHOA. I was like a tiger. I was so randy I sometimes scared myself. Of course, I was also a hormonal hot mess, but I was a hot mess having a lot of fun in the sack!
Seconded on the birth control. I was on low dose generics for a long time and never had a problem but when I switched to the 3-month cycle type, it all went down hill. Now I’m doing the Depo shots and though they took 9 months (ie, three shots) to even out in my body, I feel lot a better over all. Plus, I don’t have to remember to take a back of pills with me every time we stay overnight somewhere!
ooh had complete opposite with Depo, turned me into an unemotional bitch! I was on it for about 3 years but it took 2 to realise it was the Depo making me wierd.
Emotional side effects weren’t mentioned on the leaflet!
I had the same problems on depo-provera after being on it for about a year. It made me feel like I was neutered; I got super dry and sex was physically painful because it was like my body just totally shut down anything sex-related. Gaining weight was the one typical side effect that I didn’t have. Everyone reacts a little (or a lot) differently to different types of birth control. I’ve been on just about every kind trying to find the one that works best for me. Since I have endometriosis, I can’t ever just go off it (unless I’m planning to get pregnant immediately).
The schedule thing sounds weird but it totally works. When my hubby says… “Could we schedule some ‘husband and wife’ time on Wednesday?” It makes me feel super sexy, and it also gives me time to get my head in the right place so I can enjoy myself.
For my partner and I It’s important to let eachother know when we’re in the mood. Our mood do not always sinc up, but the positive sexual attention is very healthyne wants to be wanted and its always ok to say mayblater. Also lots of kidding
I think this is our biggest problem/solution, too. We want sex during different times of the day, mostly due to our very different work schedules. In the middle of the afternoon, I’m randy and he’s trying to unwind after work (which often does not include sexy times, bless his little introverted heart). By the time I’m falling asleep in bed, he’s ready to go.
We talked about it and decided to screw being responsible adults. We made the conscious choice to act like horny teenagers more often.
“We could have sex, or we could finish laundry and do the dishes…”
* We got in a rut by making the ‘responsible’ choice. By making the pact to choose sex, we’re both happier. The chores can wait!
“[thinking] I’m really horny, but you’re busy on the computer. My little kisses and touches aren’t being noticed but I don’t want to bother you…”
* Bother me. Don’t wait until we’re both too tired. I like you — that’s why we got married. Be blunt. I promise, the shock of distraction may take me a minute, but I’ll be happy as a lark once your buttons come undone.
“We both got absorbed in our books and forgot to have sex.”
* Hobbies are great, especially when shared. But before settling in to enjoy whatever it is, embrace the freedom to have a quick romp just because. I’m already mid-chapter when the thought strikes? Distract me. That’s what bookmarks are for. Let’s have a quick roll for the simple pleasure of it. Then we can cuddle naked and keep reading.
By making the choice to be ‘irresponsible,’ we’re actually being excellent adults by valuing the health of our sex life.
This was very helpful. My fiance and I are soooo in a rut right now and I’m trying to figure out how to get out of it. These opposite work schedules and being “responsible” are killing our sex life. But you gave really great suggestions. So glad I read this! 😀
Since Himself and I have been trying to make little Ourselves for almost a couple years, sex definitely occasionally feels like a chore – especially during that One Special Day when I ovulate and SEX. MUST. HAPPEN. But I’ve found that, much like with holiday spirit, I can “fake it ’til I make it.” I might not be in the mood, or I’m tired, or sad that we have to go through another month of this, but if we just plunge in (har) I usually find myself getting really into it after a few minutes.
Try tricking your mind. Acting the way you want to feel can often make you feel the way you’re acting. If you want to feel like a randy sexkitten, act like one and your body might respond. It may feel ridiculous at first, but then you end up feeling ridiculously good.
I would suggest to look back at what used to make you randy in the past. What are those moments you get excited just thinking about? Take yourself back to that moment. Rocking out to an awesome concert, sharing a bottle of wine on the kitchen floor while laughing your heads off, dancing at a club and all the way back to your car, etc. Sometimes if you put yourself back into that carefree moment you might find yourself falling back into it naturally.
On the note of babies, most of the babies I know were conceived on a whim without the pressure of trying often with a few drinks in the system. As a mutual orgasm results in your best chance of fertilization, sometimes just not trying to prevent it anymore and see what happens can work too.
I was waiting for someone to mention booze. Not that I need to be drunk to get uninhibited, but it just generally gets me in the mood much faster and more effortlessly. Hubby isn’t much of a drinker so I hadn’t been tipsy as often. A few concerts with deliberately drinking to the point of warm and buzzing just before heading home, and we had fantastic sex and conceived in 2nd month of trying. Then came 1st tri nausea/bloating, but happy to report all is well now!
lol, I suspect this is how we got pregnant as well… Now I would give anything for some drunk, uninhibited sex, but my pregnant body just feels too bloated and ugly and I really cant put that aside!
With that in mind, Definitely recommend perhaps thinking about putting off trying to get pregnant until you have got this sorted, as those hormones WILL do wierd things to your desire and your image of yourself.
If one is searching for the perfect drink to make one tipsy and horny, may I suggest mead (honey-wine)? Before we started making it, we heard a friend call it panty remover, and I laughed. But every single time I drink it, we end up having sex that night. It really really is an aphrodisiac. (It’s not so bad that one can’t drink it in company, it’s not a heavily mind altering substance which will cause you to loose all inhibition and have wild orgies you didn’t plan, but it definitely makes me horny.)
My fiance and I make mead too! We took a few gallons to a weekend long event back in Sept and I’m sure a few people got sexy time after we shared a few glasses with them. I agree that it tastes good and loosens you a little, but not so much that you get sick or crazy. I am also totally stealing the idea of calling it ‘panty remover’!
We’re experiencing a major dry-spell around here with the new baby (3 months old now) sleeping in our room, right next to the bed. Add in our combined tiredness (I’m up with her 2-3 times a night and he moves furniture) and there is just not a lot of sex happening. Finding the time and energy just isn’t happening, and we’re looking at only having sex on the weekends now when it was 4-5 times a week.
Something that I’ve kind of found, is that sex begets more sex. The more sex we have, the more my drive goes up (which can get pretty sluggish sometimes) and if I can just muscle through the chore phase, over time my drive will go back up, but if we just don’t, it NEVER does. So I guess I would second Kissa’s fake it till you make it suggestion, but I find that it’s helpful over the long term as well.
25 this,s wow. So it is true. Don’t feel pressured to climax every time! There are many different pleasures of sex. Closeness, fulfillment, an energy boost, a good back stretch.
I am totally one who feels pressured to climax every time, and it’s physically painful if I hit a certain (relatively low!) point of arousal and don’t orgasm, to the point that I get violently angry if I don’t. Worse yet is that my IUD has made it difficult to orgasm, then my partner is prone to following a script/getting in a rut with the same stuff, and getting kinda greedy/nonreciprocal the longer he goes without sex. So this all has resulted in a really pissy, sexless Me.
After one bad encounter, I gave the ultimatum: Happy orgasmic sexy times for me next time regardless of whether he gets any pleasure, or no more me around. Heat of the moment, not thinking, afterward I felt like a heel, and I couldn’t take it back because while it felt childish to have said it, I couldn’t say I didn’t mean it. Needless to say, The Pressure Was On. For a month, with no sexy times and Not Talking About It (which is amazing for us over-communicators).
My solution was the only thing I could think of, don’t give it time for the pressure to be on. Thanksgiving we were waiting for the roast to cook but couldn’t prep other food yet, half the house was taking a nap and we had a friend over… I tossed the friend the Xbox controller and told him to make himself at home, grabbed my Mister, dragged him off and demanded an orgasm. Didn’t give us time to over-think it.
Not proud of the ultimatum, and don’t condone it as a rule. But definitely condone taking the pressure off to avoid overthinking it and initiating a quickie. I know for me, the more I have sex the more I want it, the more attractive and desirable I feel when it’s not pressuring me to have sex the more I want it when there’s time. Increasing our public displays of affection has done wonders for the “wanting it” factor, and making a regular date night helps to ensure our emotional intimacy is tended to. I’ve found through the years that without these things in sync, my sex drive tends to bottom out. Our situation right now is pretty stressful, so we have a lot working against us, but we’re both renewing our commitment to tending ALL parts of our relationship and not letting the sex fall by the wayside again.
The “sex begats more sex” comment is spot on, but to address that AND the issue of difficulty climaxing during sex, I have one word for y’all: Masturbation.
Seriously. Try it. Get some toys if you like ’em (I do), watch some sexy stuff if you want to, but no matter how you do it, the important thing is having that very special “me” time with your OWN body. I am by no means trying to say that it will solve all your issues, but I know that it does solve a lot of women’s issues.
From personal experience I can say that my sex life is like 10x more happier, and I actually have a lot more sex, if I masturbate every 1-3 days. I am more quick to get turned on, think sexy thoughts more frequently, and IMO my overall mood is better too.
Also, women need to know they can cum many many many times! I didn’t find out until I was 22 that women have that ability. Hubs won’t stop until I cum at least 7 or 8 times. Alone I can easily do 20-30 reading a good book.
For sure focus on the other positive aspects of sex aside from orgasm. I don’t always get there, but my husband always does. Sometimes I get upset that I didn’t get mine, but most of the time I just have to enjoy having made him feel good because he’s an awesome husband and he deserves it!
I think all of the advice has been really good. The only thing to add is “don’t fear the quickie.” Sure, often it’s nice to make it a whole big thing, but sometimes you look at the clock and it’s 11pm and you have to be up at 6 and you’re anticipating being tired, etc etc. 20 minutes of lovin’ on Thursday will likely make you much more open to a longer go on Friday.
It’s like that really cheesy line – sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s pretty good.
I’ll add to both comments above with similar advice… say yes! If you’re on the fence about do I want to or not, choose yes. Once the choice is made, it’s usually a good time. 🙂
I’ve had a lot of conversations recently with friends (of both genders, and both gay and straight) about sexual inertia. This is my simple truth:
A genital at rest prefers to stay at rest. A genital in motion prefers to stay in motion.
Sometimes you just have to get things moving however you can (quickies, scheduled dates, etc) just to get the juices flowing again. As my gay friend who just got over a 3-year-dry spell recently said, “I didn’t really miss cock at all during that time, but now that I’ve gotten a taste… I WANT IT ALL THE TIME AGAIN.”
Fight sexual inertia: get your genitals in motion however you can, and then see what unfolds as you get things going again.
This is a weird suggestion that’s probably not for everyone, but make stupid sex noises. Say one of you wants to have sex or it’s on the schedule, but the other person’s not really feeling it. Have a moaning contest.
Not during sex or foreplay. Just sitting on the couch, have a moaning contest. See who can make the most outrageous sex noises. It’s silly and dumb and it takes the pressure off.
Plus it usually goes: this is stupid > I can totally top that > uncontrollable laughter > actually that was kind of hot > Take. Me. Now.
I realize the question asker is trying to make babies, but this is my advice for all y’all, especially those who have penetrative sex.
Expand your definition of “sex.”
I have issues with my ladyparts and also other parts, which leads to penetrative sex being anywhere from a ridiculously complicated multi-stepped process to painful to downright not-happening-at-all. But I still have a fantastic and satisfying sex life because we don’t see “sex” as putting the P in the V (or the A) and banging away, and everything else as a lead up to getting to that point. And, most importantly, not getting to the bangy-bangy point is Not A Failure.
So, maybe one of you wants sex and one doesn’t. You can masturbate while the not-horny partner kisses/cuddles/moans at/flogs/whatever you. Yay, you had sex!
Or you can do oral. Or mutual masturbation. Or masturbate together. Or just make out and maybe fool around without any pressure of needing get to “the next step” or even the pressure of the expectation of coming. It can all be sex. And good sex. Yay sex!
So I’m totally going to plug a book written by my favorite intelligent, campy sexologist EVAR! Dr. Sprinkle’s Spectacular Sex by Annie Sprinkle, Ph.D. I have kept it by my bedside for years, and every. single. time. my partner and I have said to ourselves “Wow, we are a little out of sync. It’s been too long,” and have turned to this book, it has been hugely successful. The book is super empowering and body-positive, and my favorite two pages are **Dr. Sprinkle’s Prescription to Reincarnate from “Bed Death”: A Seven Day Treatment Plan**. The basic premise is that you promise yourselves that you won’t have sex for seven days (to remove any pressure and help you to relax), and do daily things starting from verbal appreciation and moving on to sensual touch and mutual masturbation on subsequent days. We always just go for a long sensual massage (promising no sex) and then end up jumping to day 7 and having a raucous romp in the hay!!!
For a long time we had a problem where we both wanted to, but neither of us were good at or wanted to initiate. We both always waited for the other to make the first move, which does not work very well. Because we both want the other to get things going, we have literally started taking turns initiating. There is a post the runs across the top of our headboard and I have tied a ribbon to it. We move the ribbon to the side of the bed of who is ‘in charge’ next. Having the visual cue really helps, and is kind of playful. It has also helped make it easier to talk about (I’ve noticed the ribbon has been on your side for a while now…). And of course we are more than welcome to go out of turn- but this has helped keep things regular and feeling like we are both responsible for our sex life.
I highly suggest visiting your local sex shop. Buy a new toy, some erotica, anything. Look around and let your imagination wander. Talk to the staff, if you feel so inclined. Ask about workshops-my local sex shop offers all kinds of workshops and classes on a variety of topics, including one on getting your groove back after baby.
I personally found it easier to start having sex with my partner after I reconnected with myself-finding what turned me on, rediscovering what makes me orgasm, all on my own. It took the pressure off before I started being intimate with my partner after we had our daughter.
Since this is talking about both having more sex and trying to have a baby, I will say that the times my husband and I took a break from trying to conceive increased our interest in having sex. Of course, a LOT (in fact, ALL) of that has to do with infertility stress, so for us having a cycle of non-structured no-pressure time was really, really helpful. So if you’re just starting out, if you DO get burned out on having scheduled charting sex for a while, take a cycle off as a breather and it might rev your engines a bit. It helped to have the time, as we relished not scheduling anything, and that sudden uptick in general morale/actually-totally-feelin’-it-sexyteims carried over when we started scheduling things once more.
*(Note: I’m not saying taking a break will increase your chances of having a baby because you “won’t be stressed” — that is absolutely not my message there, and I mean that sincerely, not in a sly internet winkyface sort of way. Taking a break did not work for us baby-wise but it absolutely absolutely helped us feel sexy again.)
I second the “take a break” idea. It’s been my experience that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Although I agree with Ariel that “genitals not-in-motion tend to stay not-in-motion”, so it is difficult after a dry spell to get going initially – once you DO get going, I usually find that first or second time to be much more exciting, like I didn’t know I was anticipating it so much until I just started doing it. Everyone is different, of course, but for me personally, having sex every day or even every other day would actually make it less exciting for me then if there’s some space/room for the anticipation to build (whether or not I know it’s building, haha)
2 months away from having our first kiddo, who took months and months of hard work, and some amazing sex. 🙂
When you are in conceiving mode it is really hard to remember sex is fun, not something you do because a calendar or your iphone app said too (though seriously, the fertility friend iphone app, get it)
Things that helped us get through the months with libidos and self esteem relatively intact:
– naughty cards 🙂 Nekkid ladies and “Let’s fork, then spoon” are always good for a laugh, and put you in the mood.
– along the same vein, naughty texts, preferably sent when the other party is on their way home from work.
– Super important, sex when it is the absolute wrong time to conceive. That way you remember sex is really great fun, not just about making a baby.
In our case, the mister sometimes had some “stage fright” right at the time of ovulation, so don’t tell, just give a range of good days.
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You could try changing things up to get you both (more) interested. For example: toys, dress-up / role-playing, ropes, different locations, oils of both the baby and/or massage variety, watching porn together, dirty talk…
What also might help is just being extra nice to each other during the day; Holding hands, kisses / hugs for no reason, doing that extra set of dishes for them because you know they don’t like to do it, etc.
Also, easier to say than do I know, is try to not think of “why” you’re doing these things (ie. conceiving); it takes a little pressure off.
So as a Sex Therapist in training, I have a couple of things I’d like to mention.
First off, it is in fact really, really normal for the mutual sex drive of a couple to diminish/ get out of wack after a couple of years. Neuro-biologically speaking, the way we store memories of our significant other actually changes after we’ve been with them for about 18-24 months. We go from the “OMG can’t get enough of each other” romantic love (stored in the mid-brain or limbic system, responsible for emotional memory processing), which is intense and sexy, but a little overwhelming, to the longer-lasting pair-bonded love (stored in the frontal cortex where we think about preferences like ‘I love purple’)-that is more manageable long term… so you can go an hour without texting/daydreaming/fantasizing about your partner, but sadly a little less hot and heavy.
So that being said, there are things already talked about here- mixing up routines, making sure you’re getting enough rest, “me” time, have hobbies that are your own/for your own pleasure, have a good diet and maybe get some exercise too- which are very helpful for run of the mill lulls in your sex life. However, sometimes people find that when they’ve left the aforementioned sexy-times window of early relationship bliss, they discover that, in fact, they have a different level of desire than their partner.
Other times, people may be struggling with physical issues (not enough hormones/hormone imbalances, erectile difficulty, difficulty with orgasm), mental health issues (stress, anxiety, depression, body issues, etc.), or relationship issues beyond lower sex drives (dealing with affairs, trouble with communication styles or fighting styles between partners, differing expectations about what constitues “sexy”), to name a few. If your trouble is more like in one of these categories, please look up a certified sex therapist for a consultation– AASECT, the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists is the accrediting body for Sex Therapists in the US, and they have a lot of resources for folks in North America: http://www.aasect.org/default.aspx
We are here to help with exactly this sort of thing, and we’re trained mental health professionals, so we can talk about the down-and-dirty details of sex and sexuality, as well as complicated questions of relationship issues. If you’re having on-going trouble, I highly recommend seeing someone professionally, as well as doing your own trouble shooting!
I have had a rough couple of years with respect to sex drive so I’ll be watching this thread closely. I had a major surgery and got pregnant during recovery. After the surgery, I was taking Maccha to help balance out my hormones, and it helped increase my sex drive too. I was also charting because we were trying to get pregnant, but also because the surgery resulted in me losing an ovary and I wanted to have an indicator of when I was ovulating (every month or every other month). The maccha was great for my sex drive, but the charting was not. In any case, we got lucky, but my sex drive isn’t what it used to me and I would really like to get that back.
I’ve been charting my cycle and temperature for almost two years and you’re right – something about it really kills the sexytimes! You’re def. not the only one.
VERY related post: How to track your cycles and chart your fertility without going super insane
Thanks! I read this article back when it was first published, but it’s helpful to read again. And OMG YES… Fertility Friend is the website that time forgot.
Yes! I loved this article when it came out and it really helped.
So what is maccha? Do you just mean the powdered green tea or is this something else. I’m at the point where I am willing to take something if it will give me my sex drive back.
Lepidium meyenii, known commonly as maca, is a Peruvian root used often for medicinal purposes. It is available as a dried loose powder or in capsule form in most health food stores.
Maca is unique in that it is hormone balancing for both men and women.
*WARNING* – If you have estrogen-dependent tumors or cysts (like PCOS – polycystic ovarian syndrome) DO NOT TAKE MACA! I ended up in the emergency room with the largest, fastest growing ruptured ovarian cyst my doc had ever seen after taking maca for less than one month. Ladies with PCOS get all excited about anything that balances hormones… Didn’t find out about the contraindication until after it was too late.
However, my husband takes maca and has an increased sex drive and more energy with no negative side effects. I have several female friends who use it to boost their libido, regulate their cycle, and control acne (much like being on birth control pills does, but it’s safe while breastfeeding or trying to conceive).
Recommended sources, please? I don’t have PCOS and have totally lost libido due to two years trying to conceive, so this sounds GREAT.
Interesting – my naturopathic doctor was ok with me taking it after my ovarian tumor. We don’t know what caused it, but she’s usually super cautious. I’ll be asking her about this when the baby is born and I’m trying to get my libido back (again).
I’ve had luck with metformin balancing my hormones with my PCOS. It helps me feel normal, less angry and snappy—makes my partner happy too.
Me too!
I think we all run into sex-drive issues at certain points right??
But we never really talk about it…For me, just knowing that what I’m feeling is normal, and not abnormal makes all the difference in the world.
so, if it was me trying to conceive, first of all, babies would be off the table to discuss. no “do you feel any different today?”, no “can we go get some pregnancy tests this month?”, no asking about my period, ect.
as for just getting into the routine of having sex more, i think you just need to make it into a routine. my boyfriend and i have had a pretty set every-other-day “schedule” (used loosely) and it has worked out well. so, we will have sex one day, not have it one day, have it the next, ect, and its just a routine, a part of your everyday life. now, of course, there will be things that interfere, sometimes you just wont be in the mood, ect, which is why i use “schedule” loosely, but overall, if you create some sort of routine i think that it works nicely. also, on the days you know youll be doin it, you have that to look forward to all day!
It’s hard to say because we don’t know you, but are you getting enough exercise? sleep? nutrition? I never had a problem with my sex drive until I had a baby and now toddler who doesn’t sleep, plus I don’t get as much exercise as I used to. So for me I pretty much know what the problems are.
Sorry I don’t have much advice, but I think once you get going again, it will be something you are just used to doing. It becomes a regular part of the day that you look forward to. Try not to make it a “chore” and I think it will be a habit you can keep up. Some people think that every day is too often, but in my opinion, it’s the best way to start. You both know to expect it at some point that day. Good Luck!
I’m watching this with some interest; I’m currently heading towards the end of my first trimester of my first pregnancy, and my sex drive has just vanished and been replaced by near constant nausea and weariness. I’m hoping that once that goes away, the sex drive will return again, but just in case…
This won’t necessarily be the case, but many women feel a rush of second trimester energy and drive! It could be just around the corner for you… here’s hoping!
so wish this were me. after about a year and change struggling to conceive (including scheduled sex which totally was difficult to make into anything other than a chore after months on end,) we were successful, with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist, injectable drugs and science! my first trimester i spent with zero energy feeling like all the barfs in the world wouldn’t help the nausea (though i didn’t throw up.) zero sex drive. i was looking forward to that 2nd tri energy +/- increased libido……. nope. and now, here i am, feeling big and sluggish and still nothing. my husband, he is a patient, patient saint.
Mine too.
24 weeks in and finally my energy is returning, but I am getting whole chunks of time where I just dont.want.to.be.touched. Especially not in that way.
Thankfully, even though my sex drive has not returned, my willingness to participate has resurrected itself from the dead. Hubby is glad of this much at least!
Every person is different during pregnancy.
I seemed to regain my drive during the second and even third trimesters. In fact I think I was hornier, but now I have a new baby it is almost non-existent. Not in a “I’m really tired” way, but more in a I have none of those hormones way. Its hard though because I still emotionally want that intimacy.
I’m dealing with a similar issue, and I’ve found that working out helps me. Somehow feeling physically exerted makes me feel super sexy for the rest of the day.Do more of what makes you feel sexy! Cooking, reading, crafting, gardening, fishing(??), whatever that is for you.
And also, just preparing for some seduction with lighting some candles, putting on sexy music, putting on something that makes you feel sexy. That all helps too because it takes you out of whatever mode you’ve been in. Your brain is the most important sex organ you have so stimulate it! It can be harder to just spontaneously be on the same page so putting in some effort to set the mood can be good.
Just to add to this flow of logic, if you have time to do things like freshly shave, put on some perfume or do other personal grooming that makes you feel in top form, it can add to the sexy momentum.
I’m on medication that, while not preventing me from climaxing, makes it difficult for me to get in the mood. I find that just asking if I want to have sex will usually result in a “no”, but fooling around, setting the mood, maybe lingerie, and some good foreplay gets me more excited and willing to say “yes”.
Fifty Shades of Grey has become such a phenomenon, but there’s one super-sexy move that a lot of people AREN’T employing: ask your partner to read it to you. Even if erotic literature isn’t your partner’s thing, your partner will probably get on the same page (har) soon enough. Make it a before bedtime nightly ritual. Set aside whatever time you can… 30 minutes should be plenty. If it leads to sex, awesome. If it leads to falling asleep, that’s fine too!
And remember. Just because you’re trying to conceive does not does not does not mean you shouldn’t masturbate. I find that some couples make the mistake of thinking that they have to hop, skip and jump straight to the deed. Masturbation can quickly progress to sex, but it doesn’t even have to every time.
My “over the line” advice… if the partner delivering the semen delivers it outside of the womb-haver, it was not a waste. You had a sexual encounter, and that’s still a win. (And seriously, you can still use that if you want to. Not romantic, but having babies is a messy process.)
When my husband and I are having a little dry spell – I read my own sexy books to myself. Whether it’s on the couch while watching TV, or in the morning (because I woke up first) I get myself excited and then I jump him!! He’s excited by my excitement and aggression, and isn’t bothered or jealous that it didn’t originate with him. We’re both just happy we had good sex, and that excitement lasts for a while.
Whenever I need a sex drive jump I’ll read the smut I have on my bookshelf too. Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty books are always entertaining to read, I’ve even turned it into a party trick for friends who don’t believe books can be porn (pick a page, any page and I’ll read you something dirty off it)
Are you me? I do this too! I always pull one out for friends and tell them to start reading any random page at all. I love seeing the looks on their faces.
ABSOLUTELY. I read my naughty romance novels in bed, and even if I don’t finish by the time he falls asleep, I just wake him up for sex. He’s never once complained, so it works for us. 😛
Nothing has ever been able to get me in the sexytimes mood like books. It works especially well if your partner is gone while you read, IMO – you just get all kinds of keyed up and then as soon as he/she returns – jumping!
And the Dootsie-prah strikes again.
And remember there are other romance novels other than 50 Shades of Grey that don’t use “Oh my” 80 times in a sex scene.
I think I need to adapt this in my own home.
….and now I have re-read Doots comment in an Oprah voice and giggle at Oprah saying masterbation.
Awesomely enough, this comment comes because my boyfriend started reading Fifty Shades of Grey aloud in alternating Bill Compton and awful over-the-top accent voices because we both found it so hilaribad. But when he’s reading something normally, he’s got one of those voices… it just works for me.
He sometimes reads poems to me aloud. Not even love poems, just ones he was familiar with so he could read with gusto and inflection. Totally what attracted me to him in the first place.
And now I’m Googling my little heart out for a clip wherein Oprah says “masturbation”. 1000 internet points to anyone who finds it.
FYI: There is a video circulating the interwebs featuring Gilbert Gottfried reading 50 shades.
Do NOT mention something like that and not link it! 😉 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K1RcKJVbHA
Favorite part: when he reads about “stroking the front wall of my vagina.”
And just in case Gilbert Gottfried doesn’t do it for you, maybe Stephen Hawking does:
Bahaha! “Holy shit this is hot!”
Fifty Shades of Takei:
Further reading- Any Nancy Friday books- compilations of women’s fantasies (and one of men’s fantasies also)
Also, this book is highly relevant and highly recommended:
The Sex Diaries by Bettina Arndt-
“Based on extraordinary intimate diaries of ordinary couples,The Sex Diaries shows the tensions caused by mismatched desire’
I introduced my husband to literotica.com and we enjoy sending each other links to our new favorite stories throughout the day on our smart phones, in case you want some non-Grey erotic literature. 🙂
Me and my SO have definitely had our highs and lows in the frequency department. The best tip I could possibly recommend is keep talking about it, stay positive, and be honest. Celebrate the victories, a little “Hey, good fuckin’ last night!” always makes me smile.
We also found switching up the scenery once and a while can do loads to refuel the tank. We try to take a trip at least once a year just dedicated to relaxing and intimacy, on whatever scale we can afford. Trust me, a good fucking vacation will be worth every penny in Big O’s!
“Hey, good fuckin’ last night!” i. just. died. Well done. My husband’s favorite “we’re done” move is a great high five. Nothing celebrates a good fuckin’ like a high five, and it kept things from getting to “omg will this time make a baby” serious when we were trying to conceive.
My dude’s fave is “By the power of Greyskull.” We both laughed super hard the first time he said it.
We don’t really have an ending gesture, but if I had a nickel for every time one of us went for his zipper and I heard “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” I’d have a small fortune.
I have tears of laughter. This is the best thing ever!
“Roll Tide” may or may not have been uttered in my bedroom at such a time.
Viking either sings or puts on “I Just Had Sex” afterwards a lot. Never fails to make me laugh.
I’d like a dollar for every time I’ve heard “Sated, cannot benefit from blood lust for…15-20 minutes.”
I think all men like a good high five, especially after a rather good screw. Mine often high fives me post-coitus and it usually ends up in a tight hand grip and kissing hands. He has also taken to Facebooking “Hulk smash!” I am dreading the day someone figures out why!
We do the “Hey… remember what we did yesterday?” and then giggle together like we are 16 again. Sometimes we will even just text it to each other.
Not trying for babies, but I’ll also be watching the responses. This has been a problem for us for a while but he’s very conservative about things like sex. My attempts at humor or even just to get him talking about it usually backfire. These days we’re both affectionate but sexless.
I know the feeling. Mine is not really conservative, but its hard to talk about varying things up or trying something a little more adventurous because he takes it to mean he’s not satisfying me. He also doesn’t understand why I, as a very strong, independent woman, enjoy some lite bondage, and I feel a little weird about it myself.
OMG. Me too…. Thank goodness some other women out there are the same! Reading the other comments, I was starting to think that maybe I *AM* a nympho or “weird” and hubby is “normal”….. which would scare the hell out of me, quite frankly!
same boat here. we’re decidedly child free. We work different shifts (8am to 5pm, and 3pm to 11pm), with me rotating days off, so we only see each other awake for a few hours per week most weeks. Our sex drives don’t match up most of the time now, and the ONE time I tried to get him to watch porn with me it did not go well at all. It does sometimes work out that he can wake me up for sex when he goes to work, and then I can go back to sleep for a few hours before I have to get up.
Ah i know this feeling. My sex drive has been at the centre of a few arguments and tears in the past little while. Right now, even if we wanted to do it more often, our weeks are so busy we don’t even have the time! I have late exercise classes twice a week, and my husband has squash one or twice a week (these things are all on different days too), which usually only leaves us Friday-Sunday, and sometimes Thursday. Here’s what helped us:
– changed birth control. Obviously you won’t have this problem…but in case any other ladies do. I found my pills were making me feel like a robot. 6 attempts later, I settled on Yaz which made me feel the most normal. I’ve been off of my pills for a while now (same reason as you, good luck!), so my drive has kickstarted.
– make a daily reminder somewhere to think sexy thoughts about each other. I made a reminder in my Outlook at work to use any spare time to think sexy things about my husband. This helps put me in the mood for later.
– Try new things. I’m not the experimenting type (I tend to laugh and not take it seriously or get embarrassed…but i have done new things at my own pace), but we have found new things that keep in interesting…whether that’s a new lube (the Yours and Mine from KY is very good), or a fun new prop/toy…it can definitely help.
– Make a schedule. Yes this sounds totally lame, and it kind of is. But if you’re in a real funk like I was. Sometimes forcing it can help regain a rhythm. My husband and I designated specific days for fun time, and then before we knew it…we were doing it more often.
– No pressure. Try not to think about why or how often you are doing it. Doing so will make you feel worse about it. I know I cried many times because I wasn’t being “satisfactory”…even though my husband didn’t mind. If you beat yourself up about it, it’ll make things worse.
– switch up the time of day. This REALLY helped us. I found i was more in the mood in the mornings, whereas he was in the mood…well…whenever. We started going at it in the mornings more (sexy wake up call anyone?), and that really helped jump start things.
So relax and take things slowly. Loudly proclaim to the other partner you’re “just not feeling it” that day, if it’s really feeling like a bother. Try and do things you did together when you first starting seeing each other to try and rekindle that feeling that made you go at it like bunnies.
I agree that changing your birth control can make a difference. Years ago I went through a spell of low-libido (this was well before I started trying to get pregnant). Around the same time I switched birth control for unrelated reasons and… WHOA. I was like a tiger. I was so randy I sometimes scared myself. Of course, I was also a hormonal hot mess, but I was a hot mess having a lot of fun in the sack!
Seconded on the birth control. I was on low dose generics for a long time and never had a problem but when I switched to the 3-month cycle type, it all went down hill. Now I’m doing the Depo shots and though they took 9 months (ie, three shots) to even out in my body, I feel lot a better over all. Plus, I don’t have to remember to take a back of pills with me every time we stay overnight somewhere!
ooh had complete opposite with Depo, turned me into an unemotional bitch! I was on it for about 3 years but it took 2 to realise it was the Depo making me wierd.
Emotional side effects weren’t mentioned on the leaflet!
Back on the pills and its much better now.
I had the same problems on depo-provera after being on it for about a year. It made me feel like I was neutered; I got super dry and sex was physically painful because it was like my body just totally shut down anything sex-related. Gaining weight was the one typical side effect that I didn’t have. Everyone reacts a little (or a lot) differently to different types of birth control. I’ve been on just about every kind trying to find the one that works best for me. Since I have endometriosis, I can’t ever just go off it (unless I’m planning to get pregnant immediately).
The schedule thing sounds weird but it totally works. When my hubby says… “Could we schedule some ‘husband and wife’ time on Wednesday?” It makes me feel super sexy, and it also gives me time to get my head in the right place so I can enjoy myself.
For my partner and I It’s important to let eachother know when we’re in the mood. Our mood do not always sinc up, but the positive sexual attention is very healthyne wants to be wanted and its always ok to say mayblater. Also lots of kidding
I think this is our biggest problem/solution, too. We want sex during different times of the day, mostly due to our very different work schedules. In the middle of the afternoon, I’m randy and he’s trying to unwind after work (which often does not include sexy times, bless his little introverted heart). By the time I’m falling asleep in bed, he’s ready to go.
We talked about it and decided to screw being responsible adults. We made the conscious choice to act like horny teenagers more often.
“We could have sex, or we could finish laundry and do the dishes…”
* We got in a rut by making the ‘responsible’ choice. By making the pact to choose sex, we’re both happier. The chores can wait!
“[thinking] I’m really horny, but you’re busy on the computer. My little kisses and touches aren’t being noticed but I don’t want to bother you…”
* Bother me. Don’t wait until we’re both too tired. I like you — that’s why we got married. Be blunt. I promise, the shock of distraction may take me a minute, but I’ll be happy as a lark once your buttons come undone.
“We both got absorbed in our books and forgot to have sex.”
* Hobbies are great, especially when shared. But before settling in to enjoy whatever it is, embrace the freedom to have a quick romp just because. I’m already mid-chapter when the thought strikes? Distract me. That’s what bookmarks are for. Let’s have a quick roll for the simple pleasure of it. Then we can cuddle naked and keep reading.
By making the choice to be ‘irresponsible,’ we’re actually being excellent adults by valuing the health of our sex life.
This was very helpful. My fiance and I are soooo in a rut right now and I’m trying to figure out how to get out of it. These opposite work schedules and being “responsible” are killing our sex life. But you gave really great suggestions. So glad I read this! 😀
Since Himself and I have been trying to make little Ourselves for almost a couple years, sex definitely occasionally feels like a chore – especially during that One Special Day when I ovulate and SEX. MUST. HAPPEN. But I’ve found that, much like with holiday spirit, I can “fake it ’til I make it.” I might not be in the mood, or I’m tired, or sad that we have to go through another month of this, but if we just plunge in (har) I usually find myself getting really into it after a few minutes.
Try tricking your mind. Acting the way you want to feel can often make you feel the way you’re acting. If you want to feel like a randy sexkitten, act like one and your body might respond. It may feel ridiculous at first, but then you end up feeling ridiculously good.
I would suggest to look back at what used to make you randy in the past. What are those moments you get excited just thinking about? Take yourself back to that moment. Rocking out to an awesome concert, sharing a bottle of wine on the kitchen floor while laughing your heads off, dancing at a club and all the way back to your car, etc. Sometimes if you put yourself back into that carefree moment you might find yourself falling back into it naturally.
On the note of babies, most of the babies I know were conceived on a whim without the pressure of trying often with a few drinks in the system. As a mutual orgasm results in your best chance of fertilization, sometimes just not trying to prevent it anymore and see what happens can work too.
I was waiting for someone to mention booze. Not that I need to be drunk to get uninhibited, but it just generally gets me in the mood much faster and more effortlessly. Hubby isn’t much of a drinker so I hadn’t been tipsy as often. A few concerts with deliberately drinking to the point of warm and buzzing just before heading home, and we had fantastic sex and conceived in 2nd month of trying. Then came 1st tri nausea/bloating, but happy to report all is well now!
lol, I suspect this is how we got pregnant as well… Now I would give anything for some drunk, uninhibited sex, but my pregnant body just feels too bloated and ugly and I really cant put that aside!
With that in mind, Definitely recommend perhaps thinking about putting off trying to get pregnant until you have got this sorted, as those hormones WILL do wierd things to your desire and your image of yourself.
If one is searching for the perfect drink to make one tipsy and horny, may I suggest mead (honey-wine)? Before we started making it, we heard a friend call it panty remover, and I laughed. But every single time I drink it, we end up having sex that night. It really really is an aphrodisiac. (It’s not so bad that one can’t drink it in company, it’s not a heavily mind altering substance which will cause you to loose all inhibition and have wild orgies you didn’t plan, but it definitely makes me horny.)
My fiance and I make mead too! We took a few gallons to a weekend long event back in Sept and I’m sure a few people got sexy time after we shared a few glasses with them. I agree that it tastes good and loosens you a little, but not so much that you get sick or crazy. I am also totally stealing the idea of calling it ‘panty remover’!
We’re experiencing a major dry-spell around here with the new baby (3 months old now) sleeping in our room, right next to the bed. Add in our combined tiredness (I’m up with her 2-3 times a night and he moves furniture) and there is just not a lot of sex happening. Finding the time and energy just isn’t happening, and we’re looking at only having sex on the weekends now when it was 4-5 times a week.
Hang in there, it gets better!
Something that I’ve kind of found, is that sex begets more sex. The more sex we have, the more my drive goes up (which can get pretty sluggish sometimes) and if I can just muscle through the chore phase, over time my drive will go back up, but if we just don’t, it NEVER does. So I guess I would second Kissa’s fake it till you make it suggestion, but I find that it’s helpful over the long term as well.
25 this,s wow. So it is true. Don’t feel pressured to climax every time! There are many different pleasures of sex. Closeness, fulfillment, an energy boost, a good back stretch.
I am totally one who feels pressured to climax every time, and it’s physically painful if I hit a certain (relatively low!) point of arousal and don’t orgasm, to the point that I get violently angry if I don’t. Worse yet is that my IUD has made it difficult to orgasm, then my partner is prone to following a script/getting in a rut with the same stuff, and getting kinda greedy/nonreciprocal the longer he goes without sex. So this all has resulted in a really pissy, sexless Me.
After one bad encounter, I gave the ultimatum: Happy orgasmic sexy times for me next time regardless of whether he gets any pleasure, or no more me around. Heat of the moment, not thinking, afterward I felt like a heel, and I couldn’t take it back because while it felt childish to have said it, I couldn’t say I didn’t mean it. Needless to say, The Pressure Was On. For a month, with no sexy times and Not Talking About It (which is amazing for us over-communicators).
My solution was the only thing I could think of, don’t give it time for the pressure to be on. Thanksgiving we were waiting for the roast to cook but couldn’t prep other food yet, half the house was taking a nap and we had a friend over… I tossed the friend the Xbox controller and told him to make himself at home, grabbed my Mister, dragged him off and demanded an orgasm. Didn’t give us time to over-think it.
Not proud of the ultimatum, and don’t condone it as a rule. But definitely condone taking the pressure off to avoid overthinking it and initiating a quickie. I know for me, the more I have sex the more I want it, the more attractive and desirable I feel when it’s not pressuring me to have sex the more I want it when there’s time. Increasing our public displays of affection has done wonders for the “wanting it” factor, and making a regular date night helps to ensure our emotional intimacy is tended to. I’ve found through the years that without these things in sync, my sex drive tends to bottom out. Our situation right now is pretty stressful, so we have a lot working against us, but we’re both renewing our commitment to tending ALL parts of our relationship and not letting the sex fall by the wayside again.
The “sex begats more sex” comment is spot on, but to address that AND the issue of difficulty climaxing during sex, I have one word for y’all: Masturbation.
Seriously. Try it. Get some toys if you like ’em (I do), watch some sexy stuff if you want to, but no matter how you do it, the important thing is having that very special “me” time with your OWN body. I am by no means trying to say that it will solve all your issues, but I know that it does solve a lot of women’s issues.
From personal experience I can say that my sex life is like 10x more happier, and I actually have a lot more sex, if I masturbate every 1-3 days. I am more quick to get turned on, think sexy thoughts more frequently, and IMO my overall mood is better too.
Also, women need to know they can cum many many many times! I didn’t find out until I was 22 that women have that ability. Hubs won’t stop until I cum at least 7 or 8 times. Alone I can easily do 20-30 reading a good book.
For sure focus on the other positive aspects of sex aside from orgasm. I don’t always get there, but my husband always does. Sometimes I get upset that I didn’t get mine, but most of the time I just have to enjoy having made him feel good because he’s an awesome husband and he deserves it!
Oral sex or he can use the vibrator on you after he comes! Everyone wins!
I think all of the advice has been really good. The only thing to add is “don’t fear the quickie.” Sure, often it’s nice to make it a whole big thing, but sometimes you look at the clock and it’s 11pm and you have to be up at 6 and you’re anticipating being tired, etc etc. 20 minutes of lovin’ on Thursday will likely make you much more open to a longer go on Friday.
It’s like that really cheesy line – sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s pretty good.
Yep. 20 minutes trumps zero minutes every time!
I’ll add to both comments above with similar advice… say yes! If you’re on the fence about do I want to or not, choose yes. Once the choice is made, it’s usually a good time. 🙂
I’ve had a lot of conversations recently with friends (of both genders, and both gay and straight) about sexual inertia. This is my simple truth:
A genital at rest prefers to stay at rest. A genital in motion prefers to stay in motion.
Sometimes you just have to get things moving however you can (quickies, scheduled dates, etc) just to get the juices flowing again. As my gay friend who just got over a 3-year-dry spell recently said, “I didn’t really miss cock at all during that time, but now that I’ve gotten a taste… I WANT IT ALL THE TIME AGAIN.”
Fight sexual inertia: get your genitals in motion however you can, and then see what unfolds as you get things going again.
I wish to start the movement for “Don’t Fear The Quickie” and “A genital in motion prefers to stay in motion” t-shirts.
TOTALLY.!!!
This is a weird suggestion that’s probably not for everyone, but make stupid sex noises. Say one of you wants to have sex or it’s on the schedule, but the other person’s not really feeling it. Have a moaning contest.
Not during sex or foreplay. Just sitting on the couch, have a moaning contest. See who can make the most outrageous sex noises. It’s silly and dumb and it takes the pressure off.
Plus it usually goes: this is stupid > I can totally top that > uncontrollable laughter > actually that was kind of hot > Take. Me. Now.
I realize the question asker is trying to make babies, but this is my advice for all y’all, especially those who have penetrative sex.
Expand your definition of “sex.”
I have issues with my ladyparts and also other parts, which leads to penetrative sex being anywhere from a ridiculously complicated multi-stepped process to painful to downright not-happening-at-all. But I still have a fantastic and satisfying sex life because we don’t see “sex” as putting the P in the V (or the A) and banging away, and everything else as a lead up to getting to that point. And, most importantly, not getting to the bangy-bangy point is Not A Failure.
So, maybe one of you wants sex and one doesn’t. You can masturbate while the not-horny partner kisses/cuddles/moans at/flogs/whatever you. Yay, you had sex!
Or you can do oral. Or mutual masturbation. Or masturbate together. Or just make out and maybe fool around without any pressure of needing get to “the next step” or even the pressure of the expectation of coming. It can all be sex. And good sex. Yay sex!
Read this earlier this week, and it’s very related – I sent this post to a couple friends. :p
http://theblackleatherbelt.com/thinking-outside-the-envelope-for-better-sex
So I’m totally going to plug a book written by my favorite intelligent, campy sexologist EVAR! Dr. Sprinkle’s Spectacular Sex by Annie Sprinkle, Ph.D. I have kept it by my bedside for years, and every. single. time. my partner and I have said to ourselves “Wow, we are a little out of sync. It’s been too long,” and have turned to this book, it has been hugely successful. The book is super empowering and body-positive, and my favorite two pages are **Dr. Sprinkle’s Prescription to Reincarnate from “Bed Death”: A Seven Day Treatment Plan**. The basic premise is that you promise yourselves that you won’t have sex for seven days (to remove any pressure and help you to relax), and do daily things starting from verbal appreciation and moving on to sensual touch and mutual masturbation on subsequent days. We always just go for a long sensual massage (promising no sex) and then end up jumping to day 7 and having a raucous romp in the hay!!!
For a long time we had a problem where we both wanted to, but neither of us were good at or wanted to initiate. We both always waited for the other to make the first move, which does not work very well. Because we both want the other to get things going, we have literally started taking turns initiating. There is a post the runs across the top of our headboard and I have tied a ribbon to it. We move the ribbon to the side of the bed of who is ‘in charge’ next. Having the visual cue really helps, and is kind of playful. It has also helped make it easier to talk about (I’ve noticed the ribbon has been on your side for a while now…). And of course we are more than welcome to go out of turn- but this has helped keep things regular and feeling like we are both responsible for our sex life.
I highly suggest visiting your local sex shop. Buy a new toy, some erotica, anything. Look around and let your imagination wander. Talk to the staff, if you feel so inclined. Ask about workshops-my local sex shop offers all kinds of workshops and classes on a variety of topics, including one on getting your groove back after baby.
I personally found it easier to start having sex with my partner after I reconnected with myself-finding what turned me on, rediscovering what makes me orgasm, all on my own. It took the pressure off before I started being intimate with my partner after we had our daughter.
Since this is talking about both having more sex and trying to have a baby, I will say that the times my husband and I took a break from trying to conceive increased our interest in having sex. Of course, a LOT (in fact, ALL) of that has to do with infertility stress, so for us having a cycle of non-structured no-pressure time was really, really helpful. So if you’re just starting out, if you DO get burned out on having scheduled charting sex for a while, take a cycle off as a breather and it might rev your engines a bit. It helped to have the time, as we relished not scheduling anything, and that sudden uptick in general morale/actually-totally-feelin’-it-sexyteims carried over when we started scheduling things once more.
*(Note: I’m not saying taking a break will increase your chances of having a baby because you “won’t be stressed” — that is absolutely not my message there, and I mean that sincerely, not in a sly internet winkyface sort of way. Taking a break did not work for us baby-wise but it absolutely absolutely helped us feel sexy again.)
I second the “take a break” idea. It’s been my experience that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Although I agree with Ariel that “genitals not-in-motion tend to stay not-in-motion”, so it is difficult after a dry spell to get going initially – once you DO get going, I usually find that first or second time to be much more exciting, like I didn’t know I was anticipating it so much until I just started doing it. Everyone is different, of course, but for me personally, having sex every day or even every other day would actually make it less exciting for me then if there’s some space/room for the anticipation to build (whether or not I know it’s building, haha)
2 months away from having our first kiddo, who took months and months of hard work, and some amazing sex. 🙂
When you are in conceiving mode it is really hard to remember sex is fun, not something you do because a calendar or your iphone app said too (though seriously, the fertility friend iphone app, get it)
Things that helped us get through the months with libidos and self esteem relatively intact:
– naughty cards 🙂 Nekkid ladies and “Let’s fork, then spoon” are always good for a laugh, and put you in the mood.
– along the same vein, naughty texts, preferably sent when the other party is on their way home from work.
– Super important, sex when it is the absolute wrong time to conceive. That way you remember sex is really great fun, not just about making a baby.
In our case, the mister sometimes had some “stage fright” right at the time of ovulation, so don’t tell, just give a range of good days.