When is a good time to have "the number" talk with your new partner? #Relationships#communicating#sex March 22 2013 | Offbeat Editors offbeatbride By: Tsahi Levent-Levi – CC BY 2.0 I have a question about sex — more specifically number of sexual partners. I recently hit double digits, and I have no problem with this or the choices I have made. As a 25-year-old woman, I don't think that number is particularly high. However it has sparked a fierce debate amongst my friends. It seems like every person has a different opinion. 90% of the males I asked have far higher numbers, and feel like I shouldn't feel ashamed of my number at all. But they all went on to say that they would feel uncomfortable if they started dating a girl and found out that was her number. The lesson I learnt there is that my dude friends really DO think of me as just one of the guys but with boobs! My number is higher than most women I asked (of a comparable age), but I know that isn't a very diverse group — most of my female friends coupled up with their partners in their teens and are still happily together. They seemed kind of jealous of my number, but all said I should stop being so honest because I was definitely going to be judged unfairly for it. At the end of the day I'm not going to lie — I am not ashamed. But I do wonder how/when I should handle it in future dating scenarios? Do you wait till they bring it up their number, or tell them before you add them to your number? -Arlina Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo PREVIOUS Buy this sunnyside egg mold for a brighter happier breakfast NEXT What are your favorite animal-friendly, beautifully-illustrated kid's books? Show/Hide comments [ 86 ] I don't have any advice for you, but WHOA, that is some double standard that the males you interviewed express! Why would it be ok for males have multiple (double digit) of sexual partners, but not for females? I guess that if I were you, I would not want my new partner to hold such double standards. In that respect, the conversation about numbers would be a deal breaker for me. And that line of reasoning would lead me to have a conversation about numbers quite early on. 54 agree Reply My policy is that I don't ever give a number, and I don't want to know theirs. My husband still doesn't know my number. No matter what the numbers are, it changes things, and I don't like that. I also don't believe that it's important nor a predictor of future behaviour. 139 agree Reply I totally agree with this statement, Amy! There are a lot of variables that went into a number including love of sex, longer/ shorter relationships and even sexual abuse. And no one should ever base their opinion of you on a number. My husband and I have a loving, respectful and wild sex-life– and we don't know each others numbers. It shouldn't matter! 17 agree Reply I totally agree. I genuinely don't care how many or few people someone has had sex with. If it's a sexual partner then I would be happier if they'd always been safe, but then I'd want us to get tested before going unprotected anyway and it's only HPV that isn't tested for. It says nothing about someone as a person. If they are unhappy about the number of people they've been with, then maybe that's an issue, but I still wouldn't need to know what it was! 6 agree Reply I doesn't have to change things, necessarily. It's fine if you don't want to tell, but I think for most people, by the time they're married, you can talk about your numbers as just a matter of interest! I like hearing my husband's stories. 12 agree Reply I agree with not giving a number. My husband never asked and I never offered. I know that he only had a couple of girlfriends before me and I had more way more boyfriends and flings. All we talked about was safety, did we both practice safe sex and we got tested for everything early on in our relationship so that were no surprises later on. Maybe it is because we were older, in our thirties when we started seeing each other but who and when of old relationships didn't really matter. We talked about what we wanted in a partner and would we be that for each other. 10 agree Reply I'm in the not-knowing-each-other's-number camp. It's really subjective to what a "high" number is to different people (and different social circles). I know women with numbers in the 50-100 range (some barely older than the poster) and other women in the 1-5 range (some whom are older) and others falling somewhere in between. Hitting double digits is fine (and seems pretty average to me) Everyone's life takes different turns and not everyone meets their happily-ever-after at 18. You only live once (Yeah, I just YOLOed…deal with it). I don't think a high number is bad at all (unless gotten that way without your consent) and just shows you had some good times π I'd really only want to know a partner's number if that number was zero. Not to judge them, but just to realize the momentous occasion and not treat it as any other time. When I was younger, the number seemed so important and every relationship we discussed it. Now, it seems unworthy of mentioning. I've had a past, you've had a past; now, let's have a future. 15 agree Reply This is basically what I came here to say. My husband and I don't know each others numbers. It doesn't affect the way we feel about each other, so it doesn't matter. We know about each others past impactful relationships, but sex numbers? I don't care about his number, and he doesn't care about mine. It's irrelevant to the relationship. Reply Most of my friends have a solid "no numbers" rule when they start dating a guy. She won't tell, and she doesn't ask. It's just not up for discussion. I know that's probably not really what you're asking for – but it's a different kind of solution…and it's honestly nobodys business unless YOU want to share for some reason. 21 agree Reply Numbers are tricky anyway. I mean, are we talking actual penis-in-vagina numbers (which completely disregards numbers for people with same-sex partners), or any sort of anything beyond kissing? I mean, if someone asks my number, I'd automatically think of the number of partners I've had where pregnancy could have been a concern…..single digits. But if I think of the number of partners with any degree of naked times…..then I don't even know. I definitely agree, though, that the gender bias on this issue is absurd. 43 agree Reply Agreed. I have a "doctor number", which is actually 2 numbers… the line that you fill in for "# of sexual partners in the last (year)", and then also the number of people with whom I've engaged in sexual activity where — if barriers had not been involved — transmission of bodily fluids and therefore STDs would have been possible. 8 agree Reply YUP! As a bisexual woman who dated and slept with women first, I've never been comfortable with compressing my sexual history into a number. It just doesn't really mean anything? When doctors want numbers, I need to know what the number is supposed to tell them in order to be able to answer accurately. Or, I need to switch doctors. I'd always rather have a real discussion about my sexual history, the kinds of things I've done and with what degrees of protection. I expect my sexual partners to be willing to have that discussion with me as well, not just give me a number. Also: I have this discussion, like, pretty early. Things happen, but I actually like to have an idea of my partner's sexual history before we have sex. I've never been worried about having this discussion too soon, and I think being really open about my sexuality has helped me find good partners for me. Like, my openness has set a "you must be this comfortable to ride" bar. I totally get that some people are more private or quiet, but it would be hard for me to have a good relationship with someone who wasn't OK with talking about sex a lot. So talking lots and talking early has worked well for me. Although, it's also worth adding that I would never want anyone to be pressured into disclosing abuse or assault that they didn't want to disclose. 16 agree Reply I agree with this. I am also very open and honest about my sexuality and my sexual history, and I expect my partner to be at least that open about discussing sex, even if they aren't totally comfortable revealing things about their experiences. Reply YES! I think the sexual history discussion is way more important than just knowing the number. I could have double digits but 100% perfect about protection, a new partner could have three past partners but never used protection and that's an issue. Part of the problem is that people assume "lots" of partners = possibly unsafe sex which is definitely NOT true. With my now husband, we don't know each other's numbers, but he knows I've been with women and men. When we first starting dating we discussed likes, desires, things we've done that did work, things we're willing to try. We've been really open from the beginning. I've had other people who would refuse to have this conversation — or only wanted to know what my tally number is (which, honestly, I've lost count) — and those people are not right for me. It boils down to what YOU want. Do you want to know their number? Why? If this is something very important to you, then yes, be honest about your number as well. From a girl who's definitely in the double digits, it did cause a break up once. My male partner was not comfortable with how many people I had been with and ended the relationship. Obviously, we wouldn't have worked out, but figuring out why you think the number talk is important (or if you even think that) would be the first step. 6 agree Reply Tell your numbers! Tell 'em loud, tell 'em proud. If you're not ashamed, and you care about your partners numbers or if they're curious enough to ask about yours, tell the truth. There's nothing inherently shameful about a figure. There's not even a ton of info you can glean from know how many persons someone has been intimate with. I know people who have been active sexually with only one person who have a ton of experience in many levels of intimacy with that person, and those who have been intimate with dozens of people – but usually one night stands, or the same level of intimacy all the time. Numbers mean jack, and if someone I was seeing wanted to know my number and then got icked out or felt intimidated by my number – I'd rather know it, get it out in the open, so that we can deal with it. *Far more important to share is: do you have any STDs? Have you ever done this before? Any fetishes/gross outs? Any thing you've tried that you never will again? Anything you haven't tried that you'd like to? Live in the present – I'd rather know what's on/off the table now, than care about how many people the restaurant has served. 46 agree Reply Agreed! I bring up numbers when I talk about general sex things, including STDs and kinks. It's good to know a person's experience level, and I wouldn't judge them for it. 2 agree Reply I'm of the belief that no on needs to know your Number. It's no ones business but yours how many people you felt close enough with to engage in any sexual activity. That being said, if a future partner brings it up and is adamant about knowing your Number, be honest. Just hitting double digits is nothing to be ashamed of, and if the person judges you for that reason then that's not someone that I believe you should want to be with anyway. Same goes for guys who have such double-standard thinking. If, for arguments sake, 12 was ok for them but not for you….forget it. My fiance and I have never had the Number talk, it's never even come up in conversation. How many women he's slept with is none of my business and won't affect the number of women he will be sleeping with in the future (one, me), no matter if his number is 2 or 200. 6 agree Reply We had the numbers conversation fairly early on. We actually had the same number (or close to the same, I don't remember – hell I don't even remember my number). We've joked around that we are both sluts. But I like that he knows what he's doing (and can take direction) and he likes that I know what I want and am not afraid to tell him (and totally know what I'm doing too – toot toot! – that's my own horn that I'm tooting… about how well I toot his! lol!). Of course numbers and sexual discovery are not necessarily correlated, but in my case, it was. And when I finally found someone who can give me what I want (both in the sack and out of it), I married him. π 5 agree Reply I don't talk about it, and honestly I haven't even kept track. I could maybe figure out what my number is if I really tried to remember and made a list, but I just don't care. Ballpark range around 20-30 people I would guess, but its not really a topic for discussion or criticism in any relationships I have had. I do not ask how many people they have had sex with, and I don't care. If they ask me, we will have a talk about how it is a stupid thing to care about and all of the sexist double standards. Like someone else said, talk about STDs and intimacy and consent and turn ons or whatever, but number of sex partners? That has no bearing on anything, and no guy I am into has ever asked or seemed to care (and if they did have problems with it, I would have a real problem with them.) 10 agree Reply I'm not even actually sure of "my number" because I haven't kept track like Jeanne Garoflo did in Reality Bites. (Every time I infrequently make a mental list, I remember a few exceptions later and by then I've forgotten the original number). In my experience, the number doesn't tend to come up unless I bring it up. People tend to talk about people who have had an emotional impact on them, but in my experience, more casual encounters only come up if something big happened, like a pregnancy. Or if it was the one night stand that was literally the best sex of your life. HOWEVER. You should definitely get comfy talking about any STD history you may have and whether or not your partner has been tested. So, I would suggest not worrying so much about the number and how a potential partner might respond to that and would focus on being open to talking about sex and STDs. If a dude is going to be concerned with the fact that you slept with the same amount of people as he did, or more people than he did, in my opinion, that is a huge red flag. He might have many other assumed ideas about what women are allowed to do versus what men are allowed to do. For me, a relationship with those types of parameters would not be satisfying. 18 agree Reply Completely agree with the STD conversation, making sure you and your new partner are clean is a must. In my experience it always seems to be the people that have low numbers that are always curious of people they assume have high ones (usually because they own their sexuality) and are a) jealous b) judgy or c) want to ask more personal questions but don't know how. 5 agree Reply A gentle reminder that knowing a partner or potential partner's test results and being on the same page with them about risky activities is different than both of you being "clean" / currently testing negative. I tend to start from a place of universal precaution — assuming everyone including myself is or could be positive for everything — and adjust my behavior as more information becomes known. 10 agree Reply Whether people have a virus or not has little to do with their cleanliness! It can be sort of shaming to refer to testing negative as "clean". It sort of implies that catching a virus makes you "dirty", and it doesn't. It's a common word usage, and I'm just sort of spreading awareness. 9 agree Reply totally! i mean, let's get scientific here. you can get herpes from kissing & quite a few things from the hotel not changing linens properly. nothing to do w/ the person's level of cleanliness. 2 agree Reply What do you think you can get from dirty hotel linens? Maybe crabs? 1 agrees I always connect the word clean, in this context, to the phrase "clean bill of health". In other words, there's nothing on the test results that "shouldn't" be there – nothing to do with hygiene at all. 3 agree Reply That's where the term came from but unfortunately it has morphed into something else entirely. It was one of the easier linguistic changes I've had to make, though I struggle with some others (WTF why does the RE word keep falling out of my mouth even though I hate it and know it's hurtful?!). Using "tested negative" instead of "clean" is really helpful though so it's worth the effort to try changing our language there. π Everything about this comment. This! I think it's so much more important to talk history that's relevant to the sex you'll have together. STI/STD prevention, testing and history, as well as any sexual/emotional history that's going to affect the time you spend with your partner, are things you should discuss. People have a lot of baggage when it comes to numbers, from societal expectations to the spectre of jealousy. I'm insatiably curious about my partner's history, but every time I hear more, I just want to crawl in a hole (and Facebook creep some people like whoa.) People like to imagine we're the first, pioneers of our lovers' bodies, sailing along the motion of the ocean, where no man has gone before! Of course that's silly, but what about humans isn't?! If you or your partner is bothered by a number or a particular piece of history, you've got to have a conversation about whether that's important compared to what you have now, than the fact that you're both here now. 11 agree Reply Honey, take your number and multiply it by eight and you have my number. I tell everyone from the get go. I also demand most of their numbers early on. Not because it matters but because I feel like its a number you should own. I feel like its a number you should be honest about. 4 agree Reply As someone with a relatively low number personally, I think the number isn't as important to me as the kind of sex. I mean, 5 could be all one night stands, or year-long relationships, or a single orgy. My partner would have learned different things and missed different things and run different risks and I'd have different questions for those different situations. Not to mention different questions depending on what I want out of our relationship. So I guess for me, learning someone's number is the beginning of the conversation, not the end. I'd bring up the number thing at the point in a relationship where I feel comfortable talking about what we want out of our sex life in the future. 17 agree Reply Yeah, if Ive slept with sixteen people, but only had sex sixteen times, what does say about me? If Ive had sex with five people but never gone a day with out sex in the last decade, what does that say? What if Ive only had sex with two, but it was always with both of them simultaniously? Just hearing a number may cause you to draw conclusions that just arent accurate with out circumstances. Only having sex sixteen times in however many years is not the randy wildcat some people would assume from that partner list. Having started your sexual experience with threesomes implies a much greater longing for sexual adventure than the lower figure leads one to expect. 9 agree Reply Your series of questions lead me down a fantastical train of thought that gets me to places like, "I've only had sex with three people, but two of them were at the same time and wearing masks" 20 agree Reply Scrolling slowly down this page, reading all of the replies, I completely and utterly didn't expect this picture. And I damn near snorted beer all over my laptop. Christ, woman, give some warning! 11 agree Reply Trigger warning: Equinophobia, Genophobia, Maskaphobia 17 agree I honestly didn't even know this was a thing not on TV. People talk about this in real life? I regret telling my husband the things I DID tell him when we were just hooking up. Now I can't erase that knowledge from his memory. For me its not a matter of pride etc., its a matter of sensitivity. I ended up with a partner who is much more private and shy about matters of sex than I am, so its hard for him to laugh about that horrible sexual exploits the way I do and sometimes it hurts for him that I have those stories. Now its quietly swept under the rug. I guess that is to say NEVER. Not due to a double standard, but you can't unsay it, and you might want to. 8 agree Reply I didn't realise this was a thing either until I was talking openly about it and got weird responses from friends! I guess that's what got me curious to start asking people about it – I wanted to know if it WAS a thing! And here I was NOT stupidly not judging my life choices by TV show morals when apparently other people still were, crazy right?!! 2 agree Reply it's no one's bussiness but your own and i don't think it's ever relevant regarding current relationships. share it if you're comfortable but don't feel that you are obligated to. also, your dude friends are MAJORLY hypocritical! 6 agree Reply I'd say totally depends on your relationship with the person you are dating. I know some people that don't want to know their other person's number and simply keep it brief with they were their one and only or that they were not the first. I know other people that have been open outright with their number from the get go of the relationship. Having been with my partner for the last 6 years (married 3) and being best friends for two years before that, I think at this point it would be pretty difficult to have kept that number hidden all these years. I think that the person you eventually settle with will have to take you as you are as you will with them. But when it comes to dating, let them lead the pack if they /have/ to know then you can choose if you want to be honest or simply say, more than one. 2 agree Reply The thing is, numbers get stupider and stupider as you get older. If you aren't coupled in your twenties and thirties, you could be having very little sex but with different partners each time. In my thirties, I had eight or nine partners, in (sadly) only slightly more sexual encounters. (Things have vastly improved.) From my count, you could get the wrong impression from a number that grew noticeably. You wouldn't necessarily figure out that I was unhappily celibate quite a bit of that time. Tell numbers or don't. Hopefully your partner values them about the same way you do. But like the other commenters have said, they don't convey much without context. 15 agree Reply My situation exactly. I definitely havent had nearly as much sex as my friends think my number implies! 4 agree Reply THIS. I haven't had anyone even ask my number since I was maybe 23. And I am 35. The older you get, the more it doesn't even matter. 7 agree Reply For me,a t least, the numbers conversation comes up very early in the relationship. It is one of the ways I weed out misogynists with double standards, so it's important for it to be right up there and out there, along with the information that I'm Bi. I ended up marrying the guy whose response was 'Huh. Ok.' rather than weirdness. 17 agree Reply I had this conversation quite a bit post-divorce. My ex was my #5 and I was with him for nearly 9 years. I never had a lot of dates before him and after I got divorced I thought it would be more of the same. I was shocked when it wasn't and was super shocked at how high my total got and how quickly. (I had over 30 in less than a year) which coupled with the 5 I had means I'm close to 40. I'm now married and we had the numbers discussion early. Luckily I married a man whore who was not grossed out or weird about my number because his was so much higher. However I've had guys get icked out at even a portion of my number and in some cases it was jealousy that they couldn't easily get numbers that high that fast, and also a definite double standard. I think if you're gonna have the convo, have the other person go first and base your answer off theirs. Be a little more vague if you think they're gonna be weird about your number. If they have a high number then tell em the real number. If they seem ok with your number then great! If not, don't stick around because that kind of attitude is not healthy. And just barely hitting double digits is not a big number in my opinion. Don't be ashamed of it. I used to tell myself to own the sluttiness. π 6 agree Reply Own the sluttiness – I LOVE this! Think I found a new motto! π 3 agree Reply I agree with the being vague part because ultimately you DON'T have to tell them. Also, I think since so many women lie (because of the double standard, so I don't blame them), it just exacerbates the problem. Women also lie to other women about their numbers for fear of being judged, so in reality your number probably isn't THAT much higher than people with whom you've compared. Own the sluttiness! But I wouldn't even call it sluttiness, I would call it LIVING! 8 agree Reply On one hand… if they're someone who's going to judge me by my "number," I don't want to be with them, and I want to know that as soon as possible. On the other… I don't know, I generally just don't bring it up. I think my husband is aware of all my past experiences at this point but I've never sat down and made a tally to present to him, so unless he's tallied them up in his head he wouldn't necessarily know the number offhand either. 3 agree Reply Your number sounds very similar to mine, I'm hit double digits age 20 ish and I'm still in the early double digits now at 22. I think you should mention it if it is important to you. If you feel it's important they know your history and you know theirs, then you share. If it means nothing then it's literally just a number. I think it would be a very case specific decision but one that you'll know whether to share or not. It may also be the case that sharing right now isn't suitable, but a few months down the line or at some undetermined point later, sharing is the best option. These things are quite fluid. Also, as a reaction to your guy friends (PLEASE NOTE: I may be completely wrong here but going with my gut) If they are alarmed at your number despite having comparable numbers themselves, their number may not be wholly true. If they've over egged the pudding on their behalf, it may just come as a surprise that a girl would have a similar number to their estimate Overall I'd say, like age, it's just a number 6 agree Reply This is fantastic – I knew I would get great responses here!! Its all very interesting how people handle these things so differently! Thanks so much for commenting! π And yes my dudes are hypocrites but the funniest thing is that they are the most open minded people you will meet when it comes to just about everything else! I guess some stigmas are more deeply ingrained in my little aussie society than others. 3 agree Reply In my experience the most reasonable, kind, compassionate, open-minded people can have a total personality switch when it comes to sex. My best guess is that it's probably the area of life about which people are most insecure, and that insecurity is pretty much encouraged by society in general (adverts that say no-one will fancy you if you don't have the right phone/car/makeup/whatever, TV shows where the no1 sign of being a "loser" is not having had sex with enough people or even, Shock Horror, not having had sex at all…). I'm on my soapbox, I know, but when I was younger I thought that people who had an ethical attitude to everything else in life would have an ethical attitude to sex too (I don't think a gender-based double standard is ethical, though I know there are worse things); I'm just not over the discovery that I was wrong! 7 agree Reply I tell new partners of any other partners I currently have, as part of my poly dating practices. I also am not afraid of mentioning past or current partners in conversation. But I've never told them my "number" and they've never asked – in fact, I don't even know what it is, offhand. Somewhere in the teens, I reckon. It's just not important to me or anyone else I know. 4 agree Reply I'm about the same, and also poly. I've kept close enough track since I became sexually active that I could (and have) make a list and *get* a number (or several numbers based on different criteria), but I certainly don't know it off the top of my head. It's been much more important to discuss current and just-past relationship constellations, STD/STI status, and safer sex practices. 2 agree Reply Heh. Yeah. i lost my virginity to my now husband, so he's been around for all the growing my number has done. Heck, sometimes he keeps better count than I do. By contrast, when asked his number he often would forget to count the girls that came after me and I would have to remimd him. 2 agree Reply Another poly person here. Same story, more or less. A lot of my long-term sexual relationships took place simultaneously (and my ex-girlfriend was lovingly referred to as my threesome buddy), but if you don't know that then the math just doesn't add up… and/or it looks like I've screwed a blue streak across southern Florida, but that part is pretty much true too. ^.^ 1 agrees Reply How about never? What is the point? There is no difference between 1 and 100 partners in terms of possible STD exposure, so as long as you are tested and can offer a clean bill of health, it doesn't matter. My husband and I never shared our numbers and neither of us care, because we were both tested. It's one thing to be in honest in relationships. But there is no need to graphically detail every sexual experience you have ever had. That just creates insecurities on both sides. There is a lot belief in the psych world that leaving all the details out actually creates a happier, more secure relationship. 4 agree Reply so i honestly have no idea whether me and my wife shared "numbers" – but we totally shared info about our prior experiences. i feel like obsessing over the number aspect of it just skirts around the actual information that could be important to your relationship. if i had to guess, i imagine me and my wife have slept with the same(ish) number of people, but that doesn't say a damn thing about the difference between her many serious relationships starting fairly young vs. my late-blooming sluttiness. which is important information – either sexually or emotionally, people's past experiences are *important*, but the number of people they've had sex with doesn't tell you a damn thing about that (especially when you add in the varied definitions of "sex"). of course, it could be a good way to start the above conversation. 'cause if they're offended by your number, they're pretty liable to be offended by the fact that you're not ashamed of it – and the latter is totally a relationship problem. 5 agree Reply In my opinion, numbers matter in these circumstances, and even then it's not so much numbers but a discussion of previous experiences: -You're trying to gauge STI risk. That means exposure, protection, getting tested, etc. -You're staring at a long term relationship and one of you is very experienced and the other isn't. Or neither of you are. That's more of an expectations things than a number thing. -You, or your partner, subscribes to a belief system which prefers higher or lower numbers. -Sexual activity means something very different to you versus your partner (and previous experiences may inform this). I wouldn't worry about numbers of sexual partners unless either of you have strong feelings on what they mean. It is easy to say that no one should care, but it's not really looking at reality as many do care because sex is more than a recreational activity to them. Just find someone whose attitudes mesh with yours and if it comes up, it won't matter. 5 agree Reply I second this comment! Exact numbers aren't necessarily important, but STD risk and establishing that you are on the same page (or, at least, compatible pages) about what sex in general and sex between the two of you in particular means to you IS important. 3 agree Reply To be honest, I think the whole "numbers" thing is a bunch of hooey. Who cares? Honestly. I think "numbers" is some petty Degrassi High thing. Why would I want to know (or my partner for that matter) how many people came before? Now, my partner and I did find out. But I think it was more of young and naive thing (we were 18 and 20 when we met). Now I'm 26 and married to him. And if we're counting, he is my #2…and I regret my #1. I'm my husband's #1…but he did things with women before I came into the picture. And you know what? NEITHER of us wanted to hear about previous partners. It made both of us jealous and upset. We got over it quickly because we realized it's in the past and neither of us can change it. Now are happily married and expecting our first child. But looking back…should we have asked? NO. Why should we have? Instead, we should have had an STI/STD conversation. There's no reason to be ashamed or proud of a number. Because it's just a number. 2 agree Reply My experience has been that in our mid-20s my friends and I thought about numbers, but by our 30s, we weren't really thinking about it any more and had stopped caring. That goes for the women and men. At some point I think people start realizing it just doesn't matter. The general understanding of your sexual history is substantially more important than how many people are part of it. Have you tried everything under the sun? Have you loved hard? Have you been hurt? Have you had a safe place to explore your sexuality? Those are the things that matter, and I think they are the questions we try, in some awkward way, to answer with our numbers. I could have had 85 partners, but that doesn't indicate my philosophy on safe sex. It doesn't indicate my emotional availability. It doesn't indicate the freedom I've had to explore and express myself sexually. I think you should be perfectly comfortable with your number, and if you feel inclined, share it. With time I suspect you'll find that it matters less and less. I hope, at least. Also? I think it could be a great filtering device if someone can't handle their partner having as many, or more, partners than they've had. That double standard would certainly indiate the presence of other double standards. 8 agree Reply Yeah, this is one of those things that I can't remember when I stopped caring about it… it seems like I simultaneously lost count and lost interest in tracking it. Is that an age thing? A double digits thing? An issue of all the grey area of what you're even counting? No idea, but this post totally made me realize how much this has changed for me… I guess the core question is: what are you counting and why? Is it an issue of STIs? Relationship duration? Triumphs/conquests? (I'm an asshole, but that was always my favorite part of counting.) 8 agree Reply As an extremely sexual person, I always liked shocking people with how low my number was. So once I broke 4 I stopped caring. I can still sit down and count it up, but i dont track it. 2 agree Reply This! As a very sexual person and hugely vocal advocate and supporter of ALL THE SEX people are very shocked to learn I've had 2 sexual partners (and one of those sexual relationships wasn't very good- not his fault or mine, just the way things went). Just because I found the person that rings my bell very early in life and got married to him doesn't mean I'm against everybody else doing whatever they please. I do what (and who) pleases me and get immense satisfaction from those experiences. I want other people to have the same level of awesome, however they can. People get either embarrassed (for themselves) or seem to have pity on me. So many girls (not so many guys, interestingly) have said "Oh- now that makes me feel like a slut for sleeping with 5 (6, 12, 24, etc) people." but I always tell them "And you think I *wouldn't* sleep with more people if I didn't have my partner? Just because I value monogamy and am happy in this sexual relationship doesn't mean I wouldn't have others, should the need or occasion arise." Sometimes they say things like "I'm sorry" and I can't help but be offended. Like me making sexual choices for myself is something to be pitied. Don't be sorry- be happy. My sexual life is exactly the way I want it to be. 5 agree Reply I have a different philosophy on this issue than most of the other commenters. But first, a bit of background about me. I've had two long-term boyfriends over the last seven years. Neither of whom had ever been kissed prior to dating me and both of whom wanted to wait until our wedding night to have sex (for religious and logic-based moral reasons, respectively). As a result, I've accidentally remained a virgin much longer than I ever intended. (I'm 26.) So, if I started dating a new guy, I would tell him that I've never had sex, and I would want him to reciprocate by telling me not just his number, but also how many of those people he truly loved, how many were one night stands, did he ever cheat on anyone and why, etc. I don't want to be just another forgotten notch on someone's bedpost, so if he can't even remember how many people he's had sex with (let alone their names), that's a bad sign in my book. To me, this is an entirely separate issue from STD's and pregnancy prevention, although it could be discussed during the same conversation. It's about fostering love, trust, and intimacy. Reply As no one has yet recommended this book, picking up a copy of The Ethical Slut might be helpful. Technically it's a book on navigating polyamory, but it is immensely useful in just dealing with relationships and sex. Also, I have friends who range from 100+ numbers, to 1, to none at all. And nearly everyone I know counts "sex" differently. We're all just people, and people often have sex with other people. 3 agree Reply My husband and I agree that we don't know, or care. We've both had sex with other people before we were dating and we've both had regular STD screenings until we'be been exclusive for over a year. For me trading numbers would be saying that there is a number that's a deal breaker. Honestly he could have had sex with two hundred women before we got together and so long as he's clean and committed to our relationship. Screw the double standards, any number is ok for any gender. Sure, higher numbers COULD mean they have or had emotional issues, but there's no telling really. So my advice is to focus on what matters. If you really care about numbers talk to your partner about how they feel about having that discussion, what it means and why they care about it. Then, if you want to, you can share details. If it's one night of fun, you can probably forgo the talk, if it's serious then talk about it like anythings else that might be important. 4 agree Reply First off, whatever happens DON'T LIE. That is not a burden you want to take into a new relationship, and what happens if you get found out? That out of the way, I think it depends a lot on the guy you're with and with you. Frankly I don't think that's appropriate early-dating talk. But once you become "serious" (whatever that means to you) it doesn't have to be off limits. It depends a lot on you and who you're with. On the one hand, if he truly loves you it shouldn't matter. On the other, it's your respective pasts so what does it matter and why should you tell? I'm a bit of an open book with my boyfriend, erring on telling almost too much (certainly too soon) about my past relationships. Some of that was because of baggage and my exes not treating me with much respect (or, arguably, just being hormonal teenage boys, take your pick) some of it is just who I am. He is much less willing to talk about his past, mostly I think because he was hurt a lot (cheated on twice, never initiated a break-up) so I'm pretty fuzzy on the details, and now after going on 3 years I honestly don't care. I know he was a late bloomer (like me) but that he has had more sexual partners (not hard, he's only my second). We never had the "number" talk, though that may be because he knows mine, but I'm not anxious to ask about his. The important thing to me for our sex life is that we treat each other with respect and have fun. Knowing his experiences before me is kind of irrelevant. I guess what I want to leave you with is if it comes up in conversation, go ahead and tell him. But if not don't feel like you have to say anything. If you make it a big deal, then it WILL BE a big deal. Which it really doesn't need to be. Simple as that. 2 agree Reply I don't know about number-telling etiquette and I think it's just a personal thing. BUT I do have one thing to say. If you're dating a guy and he has a problem because your number is as high as his, that's pretty fucked up. I mean, it's not even subtle hypocrisy, and any guy espousing the opinion that women should be held to different sexual standards than men should be pretty ashamed of themselves. 6 agree Reply before you commit to the person & before you do anything physical. … out of respect i think it's good to at least give the other person the permission to know. i personally do not care what my husband's number is, but i appreciate that he is open to tell me. if you respect the person the number will not change how you feel about this, but the person has a right to make their own sexual health decisions. i also think both should submit to std checks well before anything physical as well b/c if your number is 1 or 1,000 you are at risk if you have had any previous contact with another person. if your partner reacts to any number by labeling you a slut or a prude, you can leave & thank goodness you didn't waste your time on them. 1 agrees Reply I really thought that the "number" conversation was a sit-com and movie trope. I've never once been in a group of people who suddenly started volunteering their numbers, or in a relationship where we had any sort of "number" reveal. My intended was a member of the US armed forces from 17 until his late 20s, stationed all over the far East. After that, he lived for many years in Vegas. I shot off the farm at the age of 18 with the idea that I would experience as much as I could of the wonders the world had to offer, including all the lovely variations of penis and vagina that I could get my hot little hands on. My number is in the double digits. I'm guessing his is too. π We both understand that we had interesting lives long before we met. Neither of us has any sort of communicable disease. We're sexually compatible, we are able to discuss sex like grownups, and we're blessed that neither of us have any negative sexual hang-ups to deal with. But neither of us has laid it out like a specific number, and I don't see any reason that we ever will. I would think it might be uncomfortable and strange, and I don't think either of us really wants to know that exact information about the other. Obviously you need to be able to talk honestly about sex with any potential partner, and you need to be damn sure that your sexual activity is safe. Everyone has a responsibility to be honest with their partner about sex as far as sexual health is concerned. But that is different than "I've slept with X people…how many have you slept with?" which in my opinion might cause issues that you don't want. 2 agree Reply My philosophy has always been: If someone in the past gave you an STD, you'd better share right off the bat. Outside of that, I don't care where or with whom you learned that trick with your tongue, hips, fingers, etc. While I like the concept of sharing things with your significant other, so many people have preconceived notions of how many past bed-fellows is too many. I feel confident enough with myself and my choices that sharing my number is not necessary and asking for my partner's number isn't either. 1 agrees Reply Counting was definitely done by me and my friends through our very early 20's. It was also part of most new relationships — wow, it's something I haven't thought about in years though!! I always thought it was funny because I was in a few long monogamous relationships interspersed with periods of rampant experimentation, so numbers don't tell much. I'm pretty sure I had some conversation with my now-fiance about past partners early on in our relationship, and I have this vague notion that I've had sex with almost twice as many people as he has… but I think we just talked about it because we talked about everything. And I'm not sure either of us know actual numbers, but if I remember correctly, we had decided that as long as we both had more than 5 but less than 500 partners we were probably on the same page. But we're also very open about sex, and being able to talk freely about it (including our pasts) is very important to me. 2 agree Reply When my last partner asked my number, I arched one eyebrow and said "Lots". Really, no one told me I was supposed to be keeping count, hell I can't remember most of their names. I never got anything, spread anything or got pregnant. C'est la effing vie. Also my last partner was much less experienced than me, leaving me being the leader most of the time, that got seriously old. And I am in my 50's not some youngun', yep us oldies had lots of the sex too! 2 agree Reply For me, mostly, I've had the STD conversation (do you have any, have you been tested, etc) early, and the numbers conversation later. Even then it isn't really a 'how many' conversation, more of a conversation about history and past relationships etc which ends up giving an indication of how many almost by default. And really with my husband we only had that conversation because I am dead nosey. He didn't particularly want to know about my past and so he only knows the bare bones. Me, I want detail to torment myself with. 1 agrees Reply I always asked about numbers because it was an easy way to suss out any hidden mysogyny in my teens and early twenties. It was also a compatibility thing. If they weren't comfortable sharing or thought it wasn't my business, they obviously were not date-worthy. (Not to say that should be THE standard, just that it was mine.) I didn't do it with my one nights stands, just guys I was interested in dating. 1 agrees Reply People have sort of mentioned this, but the double standard just can't work. Statistically, if all these hetero men are having sex with so many women, how are the hetero women they meet not having sex with a very similar number of men? Where are the women they are having sex with?? It seems impossible. The two ends have to match…. and it actually isn't possible. I read a study that reviewed this trend (can't remember the name of it), and a very significant chunk of the participants admitted to lying about their numbers (men inflating, women minimizing). There is a much larger double standard at work here, and it is a Much older one. It involves the idea that for a man, it is desirable to spread his seed many places and that he is admirable foe having done so (and in some communities, he is admirable for cheating on his partner). And for a woman, it is virtuous and desirable to be chaste… even a virgin. And a cheating woman is totally gross and unacceptable in this view. In some countries (like Israel), this idea even goes so far as to dictate the laws and divorce proceedings in a totally double standard way!! The last piece of this that has always bothered me is the homosexuality double standard. If a woman lists her sexual partners and then says, well, some of them were women, many men will get all excited and think that is awesome. On the other hand, if a man lists any men on his sexual partners list, other men think that is gross and act uncomfortable with that person. It's ridiculous and stupid. //endrant 4 agree Reply I'd actually choke if my friends asked something like that. I truly thought it was just a bad joke in romantic comedies. I'm honest with my partner about everything in my life, but my friends aren't sleeping with me so why should it be their business? Reply I always thought it was a stupid question. Depending on what activities "count", my number is either 20-something or 0 and my sister once said she could give at least four different accurate answers to that question. My husband didn't care and didn't even have a need to know. We developed a relationship where we could tell each other details from the past if we wanted to, but we also didn't need to draw out details of each other's past because we trust each other regardless. Reply My dude and I established vague numbers relatively early on but we both agreed that, in our relationship, we don't really want to discuss specifics. That's our choice and is correct for us. We're happy together and that's what matters. Anyone before we were together obviously did not work out and as neither of us has an STI or STD, we've both been tested, good enough. There is a discrepancy between our numbers but it really isn't relevant to our current relationship. If you feel like you need to tell or want to tell, then that's your choice and you probably want to find someone who does want to share or who is okay with sharing that. I do agree you don't want to be with someone who is grossed out by your number. I was much more interested in knowing about previous lifestyle, preference for current lifestyle and how we progressed together than in specific numbers. Reply Personally, my husband and I have NEVER had the "numbers" talk. I don't need–or WANT–to know how many women he slept with before he met me, and I don't feel like he needs to know how many men I slept with either. What purpose would it serve other than possibly making one (or both!) of us self-conscious? A conversation about STD's and sexual safety is valid, obviously, but there is no reason to feel obligated to share the exact number of sexual partners you've had. We do know about each other's past serious relationships, because those tend to come up in conversation as time goes on… but more casual sexual encounters don't really need to be discussed, in my opinion. What's past is past. Now, if a guy ASKS you what your number is, that might be trickier and you should be prepared. You could either straight up answer or turn it back around on him with, "Why do you feel like it's important to know that?" 1 agrees Reply When I was in my 20's, the numbers conversation was somewhat important, because it meant he wasn't a man-whore or a womanizer (in my mind, not in actuality). Now, I'm in my early 40's, and I realize that being STI-free, respectful of the people you have slept with, and respectful of people in general, is a LOT more important. I'd much rather be with someone who is as honest and respectful with a one-might-stand (or multi-night-stand) as he is with a long-term relationship, than with someone who's "only" had sex with five people, but thinks oral sex is not "real sex" and therefore he can get as many blow-jobs as he wants from whomever, and it's not cheating (yes, speaking from past experience). Reply I'm your age with the same number. I've been in this relationship for three years and hit double digits at 21. It only bothered me because a couple of those people were true regrets, not because of the number itself. I don't know what my partner's number is and he doesn't know mine. All I care about is that we're exclusive with each other and honest about our sexual health. I don't believe anybody should be ashamed by their number but I also don't see when it would need to come up in conversation. He's told me he got chlamydia from somebody before we met and was successfully treated, it could have been from one of a massive pile of ladies he was seeing at once or it could have been from a long term partner, I honestly don't care, I just care that he's honest about it. Part of my attitude probably comes from the fact that my first long term relationship partner was really horrible about the fact I wasn't a virgin and he was. He made me feel like I was worth less because of it, and when he moved on to someone else he made sure to tell me that he thought more of her because she had also only slept with one person before him. The most ridiculous point of all this is that, though I'd never say anything, I knew she'd slept with a lot more people, because we used to be friends and I had mentioned his attitude to my number before. It was sad that she realised she had to lie to please him and went through with it. Reply My boyfriend of 3 years and I have never discussed our numbers. We were 28 & 29 when we met, so obviously we'd been with other people. He's never asked me, I've never asked him. As it looked like our relationship was progressing into something serious, I wanted to know if he'd ever been in any long-term relationships and why they ended, and some things I wanted him to know about me included the fact I'd been in a previously abusive relationship. Those things seemed a bit more pertinent to understanding where the other was coming from. The numbers-game seems like it has the potential to be hurtful. Reply Unless you are comparing scores with anyone, even a potential permanent partner (and why would you) it's nobody business how many you've had. Honestly, if you've enjoyed many partners, that's fine, but why would you feel the need to broadcast it. The only time it would be an issue is if you are running for a public office where it might become seriously embarrassing, or you are passing around a nasty little bug, which I assume you aren't because you know to be careful. Why would you care about how many partners one of your lovers had? It should be a personal matter, not a "let's change the scorecard again this week" matter. Not kissing and telling is not just for men anymore, especially the ones whose ego's are fragile enough to be insulted by how many partners anyone else has had, especially if it's more than they have. Yes, I speak from experience. I had more than my husband when we married, (gotta love the swinging 60's and 70's) but we are satisfied with each other and see no need to bring up previous encounters. We are not into comparing current with past and feel it doesn't belong in our lives now. It's just sex, for goodness sake, not a contest! Reply I don't think there's any reason to share that # unless you want to. It's completely outside of the STI conversation. It's also incredibly rude if people are asking you! Reply My FH and I discussed this pretty early on. Mostly because when we met I was only looking for one thing…and he well…he'd been single for almost 4 years and his last girlfriend was an old friend of mine. He has started early but had only had a few partners and I had gotten to age 22 still a virgin and had quickly made up for lost time. I honestly had no qualms telling him about my barely double digits and he and I discussed all of our past relationships just to lay it all out there. Honesty is still our policy three years later. But to each their own! IF you are the type that keeps things to yourself and would rather save that kind of question for when you've been together for awhile then so be it; but I would strongly encourage being upfront if your partner is willing to be as well. Reply I know this is an older post, but I feel really strongly about this, so I couldn't resist chiming in. I guess a short version of what I think is that it is NEVER ok or relevant for someone to ask about your number. It's just such an arbitrary, judgemental thing to give one moment's thought to regarding one's partner. And your male friends need to take a good hard look at themselves and their double standards, because that is an even bigger pile of crap than caring about someone's number in the first place. Me personally, I got a bit of a late start when it came to sex, but I followed it up with what my mom calls my "busy" period, including a year where I worked as an escort. I don't even know what my number is, because I stopped counting. I told the Mister early on in our relationship about my past in sex work (that did feel like the kind of thing I wanted him to know, although more for my own sake than his-I didn't want it to be a secret that weighed more heavily on me with time, and I wanted to know right away if that was going to be a game-changer for him). I also leveled with him about that phase of my life in general; basically, that I'd had a lot of sex, with a lot of different people, some of which I regretted, some of which I didn't. That was as much as felt relevant and important for me to share (again, it was the kind of thing that if I didn't share, I'd wind up having to mince around certain topics in future, and I didn't want to be with the sort of man who would hold any aspect of my sexual past against me). He, on the other hand, chose to tell me about each and every one of his former partners, but that was because, unlike myself, he had a history of being very much Relationship Guy, so each of his "numbers" were women who had been, and in some cases still were, a big part of his life. I think talking about experiences in past relationships (and dissecting reasons for breakups) can and should be a healthy part of a growing relationship. (He also had only one "hookup" in his past, but she was someone he still worked with and thought I may run into at some point, so he wanted me to know about his one night with her, rather than perhaps finding out FROM her…and then perhaps having her read a great deal into the fact that he'd allowed me to walk into THAT blindly!) So, we each approached our backstories differently in how much detail we felt the need to share, but in each case, it was relevant and also information that we WANTED to share with each other. A mere number (if some portion of that number, at least, is not made up of people you really feel the need to talk about after the fact) is just not relevant in the same way. Though I think that there's value to sharing the gist, anyway, because if you're anything like me, you'd rather not waste your time on someone who sees you differently if you have had > x number of partners. Better to find that out ASAP so you can skip off with middle fingers held high if need be! π That said…there are certain aspects of one's sexual past (or present) that I think are relevant, or in some cases absolutely required from an ethical standpoint. Some obvious examples of things you should level with someone about, in my opinion, would include: 1) you're currently having sex with someone else, in a "relationship" or not-I'm just saying I think that people have the right to know what kind of situation they're stepping into, so that they can make an informed decision. 2) If you have any kind of STD/STI. Obviously that should go without saying! Being honest about these kinds of things is just practicing good sexual ethics. This is totally a personal decision, but for people on the opposite end of the spectrum from our question-asker, I also think that it is probably wiser for your own sake, if, say, you are extremely inexperienced sexually, or very much in the process of recovering from sexual trauma, to give that kind of background info. If I was hooking up with someone who told me something like that, I would know to pay even that much more attention (even more than usual!) to how they're doing at each and every step of the way, because I know it can be hard in those circumstances for someone to be as confident expressing their *real* feelings about how things are going for them when things get hot n' heavy. Ok, stepping down off the soapbox now. π Reply Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Notify me of follow-up comments by email. 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