My mother’s fridge was SPOTLESS when I was growing up. BOTH of them! (She kept an older one in the garage that she only turned on when entertaining.) My stepmother’s is spotless too, as are my aunts’.
If I asked any of these women how they do it, they would just blink in confusion. It would be like asking them how they keep their assholes clean. You just don’t want to admit you’re having a problem in this area and yet I marvel at their abilities.
Instead of having a spotless fridge, I just cling to these five myths that I believe are true about my refrigerator…
Myth #5: Anything below the waist doesn’t require cleaning
The crisper in particular has magical properties of perpetual cleanliness, and besides: all the veggies are in plastic bags anyway.
Myth #4: Condiments never go bad
Corollary: you absolutely cannot throw out that old Worcestershire sauce because there’s only a tablespoon left at the bottom of the bottle. You can however buy another bottle and use that until there’s a tablespoon left and keep doing that until there’s a small forest of Worcestershire sauces taking up precious door space. The only way to reclaim this space is if your mother comes to your house and removes all the bottles when you’re not looking.
Also, for the purposes of this discussion, salad dressing, small yogurt containers, leftover penicillin prescriptions and that terrible “pumpkin” beer you bought last year all fall into the category of “condiments.” Basically anything that can fit in the door space is a condiment.
Myth #3: The refrigerator doesn’t smell
But if it did smell, it would only be because there’s something benign like an old juice box hiding somewhere and not because there’s something toxic like three-month-old Tupperware with decomposing animal parts in it. So there’s no reason to launch a full scale search and destroy mission.
Equally there’s no reason to doubt the sanitation of the fridge. Continue to place raw foodstuffs in it.
Myth #2: The freezer is an infinity box
Everything you put in it will last forever so there’s no reason to throw anything out — not even that frozen turkey from the “buy-one-get-one-free” Thanksgiving sale back in 2002. Yes, it’s completely white with possible freezer burn and yes, you’ve probably dropped it on your foot a few times. But you can’t just throw it out. Both it and the failed popsicle experiment from 2004 must stay until, again, your mother throws them out when you’re not looking.
Myth #1: The refrigerator has regenerative powers
That green onion that’s a little wilty? That will be fine a couple days. As will the bread with just a speck of mold. That leftover tomato paste with the fuzz growing on it will be okay. Give them a chance to bounce back. They’re just resting.
What do you think, Homies? What are the myths you know to be absolutely true about your refrigerator?