How do you get you and your partner’s sex drives back in sync?

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We’ve all been there some time or other: you and your partner have been together for several years and things in the hay have begun to take the backseat to more “important” things like work, hobbies, hanging out with friends, cleaning the house, etc. Maybe the relationship itself is great, with long conversations, cuddles and whatever floats your boats, but sex is something you save for Saturdays and New Year’s Eve.

My partner and I really want to conceive a child, but as we know, the more you have sex the bigger chance it is to conceive. We are working on getting our mutual sex drive back, but right now it feels like a chore.

How do you get the intimate part of your relationship back? -Fern

Hell, I know that even the child-free, non-married couples in the audience need advice in this area at times. So Homies, whatchu got for us as far as rekindling intimacy in long-term relationships?

Comments on How do you get you and your partner’s sex drives back in sync?

  1. This is pretty much not AT ALL related, but my slight dyslexia had me reading the title: “How Do You Get You And Your Parent’s Sex Drives Back In Sync?”
    And had a EWEWOMGWHYWOULDIWANTTOFREAKINGDOTHAAAT??? moment. Just thought I’d share XD

  2. Remember he thinks you are sexy pretty much all the time.
    Next time he notices you took off your shirt, do a little hips wiggle and tease your way undressed. Feeling sexy helps you feel more sexual.
    I agree with all of the above – I started thinking about when should we be having sex and we started to ONLY have sex then for a couple months. Not good.
    I had to get myself back onto the “sex is fun” and “we have nothing better to do than each other” mindset.
    So read some romance novels, watch some romantic chick flicks with sex scenes, masturbate and finally pounce on him for no good reason other than sex. Then he more likely to give you a hint when he is thinking about it. And then you have to act on it. Even if it is just making out in the car. You add intimacy and heat that will be rewarded later.
    So you end up 20 or 40 minutes late to a party. Or the laundry isn’t folded right away. Or dinner gets cold. Or you get a little less sleep that night.
    Make being intimate a priority and more sex will follow.

  3. Oh I wish I saw this post sooner…I could have gotten in on the conversation. I have had horrible libido for many, many years. It became non-existent with my ex, which I attributed to the fact that our relationship was horrible and failing. When I met my now husband, my libido was pretty good originally but then slowly creeped away and I have been back in the dry spell for a few years. We have a great relationship, aside from the sex, so I know it can’t be my original reasons with my ex. Perhaps my anxiety, depression, horrible sleep schedule…who knows….Im sure the list could go on. Maybe it’s the fact that he is overweight (which doesn’t bother me in the attraction dept) but it does hinder a lot of positions and frankly I’m bored with the 2-3 that we can do and I miss being able to wrap my legs around someone. Talking to him about weight loss is so difficult as he takes it very personal. But I’m not even sure if that would fix anything…maybe it is just me….and seeing a sex therapist sounds expensive :-/ I cringe when he even asks for sex…I’ve tried to schedule it, to force myself, and it really just turns out to be an un-enjoyable chore at that point. And I worry that it may cause some big problems later on down the road….

  4. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years now. My 1st husband and I had NO sexual relationship past the first year. We have a daughter together and for the 3 years after she was born, we had sex maybe twice a year. So I was worried that the same thing would happen with my fiance. The attraction between us is very strong and that really helps. In the beginning, my sex drive was insane. I went from 2x a year with my ex-husband to sometimes 2-3 times a day with my fiance. So it was great.

    Then it started slowing down after a few months but it was still great. A couple times a week and we were both happy. Then after about a year and a half, it almost became scheduled. We both worked full time and were too busy and stressed out with work and my daughter so the only time we had sex was on the weekends…and usually just once during a 2 day weekend. And then we started going 2-3 weeks without doing anything, and when we did do anything, it was always the same thing/routine. Even on some of the days that we said we’d do something, we’d end up not.

    So this past Christmas, on a long 16 hour drive back to TN from TX, we had a very LONG talk that lasted for the remaining 5 hours of the trip while my daughter slept in the backseat. We discussed advancing our sexual relationship and opening up to new things that we hadn’t tried before: toys, positions, dirty talk, anal, etc. By the time we got home, it was 5am. We unpacked the car, put my daughter to bed, and were so turned on by our talk that we had immediately had sex before sleeping. It was amazing and for the past 2 1/2 weeks it has continued to be amazing. We both have our sex drives back. We’ve purchased a few toys and have tried a few new positions. We’re having sex about every other day now.

    I can’t explain how having that conversation and being really open about what each of us likes/doesn’t like, what we’d like to try, etc., has helped us become close again intimately. I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all during the talk, nor pressured or rushed. And there were a few things that we weren’t both in agreement with, but we both promised to work our way to that point and at least try things once.

    So, I said all that to say this, my advice would be to just talk. Have an open conversation (or 4 or 5) with your partner. Let them know that you’d like things to be better and let them know what ideas you might have and things you’d like to try, etc. Even if you tell them things that you don’t like or things that you want to change, most of the time your partner won’t be upset because you are communicating to them and they will generally be wanting the same thing. I had been wanting to have that conversation with him for the longest time but wasn’t sure how to start it. Thankfully he did and it has changed our relationship so much! I’m now even more excited to marry him and to see what the future holds for our sexual relationship!

    Best of luck to all of you!

    • Best advice yet. I totally forgot that this would work for this topic just as much as it does for any other problem. And also that it’s one of the things I treasure about my husband. I’m absolutely teary-eyed inspired! Thank you!

  5. When I first read this article and the subsequent comments, my husband and I were in a drought causing much unhappiness.

    I was inspired by all these tips, and the following helped me:

    1. We decided to prioritise sex. Not schedule it per se, but we said “Okay, let’s try every day.” (That didn’t work) We revised it to every second day (that also didn’t work). So we eventually settled on making an effort to have sex two or three times a week. This works perfectly for us. So finding the best amount for the two of you is important.

    2. Compromise. My husband loves sleeping naked. I do not. We used to sleep naked together which led to fun happy sleepy sex at 3am, but I started wearing pjs because I just don’t feel comfortable sleeping naked. So, our compromise was this: I’ll sleep in nighties. I still feel covered enough to be comfortable, and we can still have sleepy sex at the drop of a hat.

    3. Also, and I feel like I’m betraying feminism by admitting this, losing weight has made me feel sexier, and more willing to have sex.

    • Patti, about #3, don’t worry! Feminism is OK with you making the choices that make you happy. You didn’t say “fat people aren’t sexy” or “losing weight will make you feel sexy,” you simply said what’s good for you.

  6. Since I’ve been on my anxiety medication, my sex drive has become non-existent. My partner has never had a high sex drive and during the rare times he would initiate, I’d be willing to go! My sex drive has always been higher, until now. :\ He has initiated three times now, and I’ve turned down every single one. It makes me feel like a bad partner, but I just can’t get in the mood now. I’m thinking we’re going to have to try harder than “want a quicky?” now if any magic’s going to happen. Any ideas?

  7. So after a miscarriage, I was terrified to be touched. We had some rough times, had a couple of intimate moments in moments of whimsy, then started trying for our daughter – honestly, trying for the kiddo helped me feel more comfortable with sex.

    Not terrible comfy with sex while pregnant, though we explored other intimate options. Healthy daughter was born, and suddenly sex became this thing that we kinda had to pursue whenever we found the chance. Half the time, it was interrupted by a crying baby. But it was… better somehow.

    I guess the advice for getting in sync is changing things up, however that works best for you. Try new things, try timed things, just… try. Don’t be afraid to look at him while you’re doing the dishes and say “Now.” Because now is the time that you have to pursue all of your whims.

  8. I’ve been married for 2 years, together for 12, and we’ve definitely had dry spells. There’s ups and downs, and that’s fine. Work schedule and health are big parts of that, and I wholeheartedly agree with Ariel’s brilliant “genitals in motion” comment.
    For me, I think wanting to have sex or even wanting to kiss or touch comes from a place of love, so doing the things that remind you that you’re in love and not just friends is a good place to start. Go on a date! Dress up a little, go someplace you haven’t been before, try something you haven’t done, learn something new together. Take the long way home or walk around a new place. If you go to movies a lot, try doing something else. I find, for me, that doing something fun together reminds me how much fun I have with my husband and how much I love him, and makes me want to kiss him. And kissing generally leads to more kissing. And that leads to more sex, hopefully.
    We’re not trying to baby-make just yet, but if you know your schedule it might help to plan ahead for a fun date during your ovulation so that it doesn’t feel forced.

  9. http://www.amazon.com/Slow-Sex-Craft-Female-Orgasm/dp/0446567183
    ^This book helped us tremendously during a low point! I thought it was a bit ridiculous at first, but it offers a good way to physically connect that is rewarding (whether or not it leads to intercourse.)
    Going off of birth control pills also helped…I did start charting, mostly just to put my mind at ease that I do ovulate, but we`re careful not to discuss the chart anywhere near sex time. We`re very open with eachother, so he actually loves to “help” check my CF.
    Other than that, find a way to be comfortable talking about it. Text the other person to thank them for how awesome yesterday`s romp was (it ensures both of you are thinking positive, sexy thoughts). Communicate about why your desires are lower/higher; he puts more value on physical affection than I do, so if I turn down sex, I now make an effort to touch him more in general and we are both happier for it. We both like literotica, but since it is user submitted, some of it is good and some of it is not our cup of tea…so we can talk about what we do AND don’t like in it (offering a great way to suggest new things to try, as well as ways to explain what you don’t like without criticizing your partner`s performance.) Most of all, make the physical side of your relationship a priority (make changes to the other aspects of your life if you “just can’t find the time”.)

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