Photo by usestangerines, used under Creative Commons license. A year-and-a-half ago our then fifteen-year-old daughter told me she was bisexual. This news came as no surprise to me, and I’ve always been honest with my kids about my own sexual exploits (giving them the PG-13 version, of course). When my daughter cornered me in the bath tub and confessed that she liked girls, not only was I not surprised — I was relieved. It’s hell trying to push down secret desires you feel ashamed of.
We don’t set rules in our house unless our kids show the need for them — for the most part, we talk to our kids about their discipline and they are involved in the formation of rules and consequences. This has so far worked well for us, but every so often it bites you in the ass.
My daughter attends an online high school, and recently joined Facebook. Since signing up, her social life has suddenly exploded — and she’s found young men and women she has expressed an interest in. She recently went to a friend’s house and in the course of the evening ended up kissing and cuddling with a girl — her first bisexual experience. She’s since chosen to date a boy, but now she’s asking if the girl in question can come over and spend the night — ostensibly as a friend.
Neither my husband or I had to talk about our decision. If there is the question of sex involved, they can’t spend the night. Sure, she can come over. Yes, you guys can go hang out at her house. But when it comes to an overnight with a girl you kissed the answer is a resounding NO. Much the same as it would be if she asked to let her boyfriend stay the night. But now I’m wondering about the wisdom of our choice: is it really that bad for her to experiment with a girl in a safe and clean environment like our home — especially when there isn’t a risk of pregnancy involved? On one hand I feel like I shouldn’t have a double standard when it comes to sex or gender just because one of them can’t get her pregnant: how have other parents of bisexual children parented in this situation when you have no hard and fast rules to fall back on? — Aubrey
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Comments on What kind of sleepover rules should we establish for our bisexual teen?
As a bisexual, I have to say that I totally used things like sleepovers and other gender segregated events as an opportunity to get some action behind my sexphobic & homophobic parents. Obviously your situation is a bit different though. I’d recommend that no matter what you decide, you should make your policy gender neutral. If you treat her boy & girl interests differently then you’re sending the message that same-sex relationships aren’t as “real” or serious as heterosexual ones. Kissing a girl isn’t just “experimenting” and you should treat girl love interests the same way you would a boy.
1. Don’t punish her for being honest with you or else she will just start lying
2. Don’t change the rules favouring sexual relations with girls over guys. You wouldn’t encourage her to be straight so don’t encourage her to be gay.
As for what to do, did you try explaining your challenge with her request? She may surprise you with her considerations or suggestions. Perhaps an open door policy? I dunno, something.
I can’t give you advice from the perspective of a parent, but I can give you one of someone who once was there. When I was that age, I struggled because I knew I was attracted to women, but I didn’t understand what that meant. My mother was Mormon and raised me as such, so the idea of having a girlfriend was completely out of the question. I wish my mother would have spoke to me about this and helped me to understand what was going on. Instead, I struggled until I was about 25 years old and finally came out 100% two years ago about 6 years after I’ve been married to my husband.
This is a great post. My husband and I have discussed what we are going to do with our little baby daughter when she gets to highschool. Because if she was like me- whooo boy! And if she was like him she will smoke pot in the basement and play D&D. My husbands plan was as follows “She can have all the boys or girls over she wants, but the boys have to sleep WITH ME (menacing dad face)” I ask him “What if she is gay?” His response “That would be awesome.” Apparently dad fears only relate to boys. So… that is more of a joke than anything and we will have to re-examine when we get there. I have to say I think the rules should be the same for both genders, the separate rooms, open doors policy is a good one, because then you are not “encouraging” sex- but you damn well know its probably going to happen anyways. That’s what my parents did. And my mom knew I was getting laid (and didn’t care), but my dad didn’t. Also- there was a suggestion in this post to use siblings as tattle tales. That SURE did not work for my parents. I have seven siblings and we had a universal agreement to not genital block each other, right down to me inviting my “friends” (my brothers girlfriends) over for sleep overs and vice versa. They “slept in my room” ie snuck into my siblings room in the middle of the night to get laid. C’est la vie.
Just a thought on having the friend of either gender sleep in another room, as many people suggested. I think that misses the whole point of having a sleepover! Sleepovers are about eating a shit-ton of candy and playing video games into the night! Whether there is smooching in between that, it doesn’t matter, you can’t stay up all night laughing if you’re in different rooms!
I’m straight and wasn’t allowed to have boys sleepover, but my mom still checked on me at odd hours through the night. So just that thought will definitely keep your kid from thinking twice to fooling around when she knows that you can and will walk in at any moment. However, my best friend’s mom slept right through all of our sneaking out. So we spent the night at guy’s houses all the time anyway! Even then, it wasn’t so much about having sex, it was about being with people in the middle of the night. It’s so mysterious, and magical. OooOOO!
I honor your love and concern for your daughter. You obviously have a strong open relationship with your daughter. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing. I would quickly offer you a reference: Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex.
I think you might find it in line with your parenting hand supportive to your experience.
Here is the bottom line, you cannot control your daughters decision on who she will choose to be sexually active with. You can support her in the vital information to make healthy decisions with healthy boundaries. Keep your home safe and welcoming to your daughter and support her by working with her frontal cortex, not being a hard line, that may be ignored.
What jumps out to me about this scenario is that your daughter has a boyfriend. My biggest concern in this scenario would be relationship ethics, not who’s touching who and where. I’d ask my daughter how she would feel if her boyfriend told her he was going to have a platonic sleepover with a girl who was supposedly just a friend but was also the first girl he’d made out with. I’d also try to find out whether she’s having issues with her boyfriend and is exploring other options. Maybe that relationship has run its course. If so, I’d encourage her to break up with her boyfriend *before* she starts looking at other options, even if that looking doesn’t involve any kind of sexual contact.
I was surprised that no one had brought this up before now! The first thing I thought was “Um, if something happens with her female friend, doesn’t that mean she’s cheating on her boyfriend?!” I agree that it would be a good idea to have a conversation with her regarding handling relationships with maturity.
On the other hand, not all relationships are monogamous – it is entirely possible that the boyfriend is in on it and okay with it. (Which isn’t to say what you’re saying isn’t possible… my own experience is definitely along the lines of what you’re describing!)
True. Monogamy does tend to be the default expectation, though, and I’m guessing it’s unusual for teenagers to be familiar with the complexities of ethical polyamory. Questions like, “Does your boyfriend know?” “Is he okay with this?” “Would you be okay with it if he were doing the same thing?” should all be part of the conversation, imo. And like I said, I don’t necessarily think preserving the relationship with the boyfriend needs to be an intended goal. Maybe that relationship has run its course and the daughter needs help ending it before she goes looking for a new one.
I agree that if a teenager wants to engage in sexy times they will find a situation in which they can. However what I think gets missed in this situation is that they may also find themselves engaging in sexual behaviour, because of the situation they find themselves in.
Like adults, teenagers can get carried away, not communicate effectively, be impulsive, etc. This is not to say they should therefore be denied those opportunities. Rather, the opportunities they get should be in line with what they want/need/are prepared for.
I think that if you are in your own home, on your own turf so to speak, with your own parents nearby, you are much less likely to be pressured into something you don’t want.
At least for me, the only negative sexual experiences I had were not in my own home and I know things wouldn’t have gone down the way they did if I was at home instead of having to sneak out (I then felt I couldn’t tell my parents about this really bad sexual experience because I didn’t want to get in trouble for sneaking out).
I don’t think that providing a safe space is encouraging sexual behavior that wouldn’t happen otherwise.
I agree that providing a safe place is not a problem, but I think we need to clarify what a ‘safe space’ means.
For example, a fourteen year old may be spending time in their room with the door shut and a knocking rule – with and/or without a partner. But it may not be appropriate for them to have their boy/girlfriend sleeping over.
What is most important is talking with children and young people about consent, desire, safety, emotions etc. For me a safe place is important not only because of physical dangers, such as drugs and predatory individuals, but also to ensure that the young person feels safe and in control and is able to manage and communicate their boundaries and desires. I would want to believe a young person could do that, while sharing a bed, before I allowed sleepovers.
That said, I imagine when a teenager is able to ask and discuss the implications of a sleepover, they are probably mature enough to have one!
I do think that allowing girls & not boys to sleep over would set double standards. Whatever you decide, it’s best to be consistent. Relationships (or experimenting) with boys & girls should be treated equally. It shows that you consider neither experience to be more important or real than the other.
One thing that concerns me is the girl in question’s family. I keep imagining an angry parent (or set of parents) coming to your door with concerns about her/his/their child after the sleep over. This could especially be true if they do not know that their child & your daughter kissed…The parental figure(s) might not be as willing to accept sleepovers as you guys are…Just a thought…
Thank you so much for all the feedback! My comp time is very limited but there are so many people I want to respond to! I will be doing so over the next few days so please check back. And Thank You to everyone. So far all I have seen are well thought out respectful feedback. Offbeat Families are Amazing!
I hope this thread still gets comments even though it was started in 2012 – this is a very applicable question in my life with my 12 year old daughter right now and I have few options for candid input from others. Aubrey, what did you end up deciding and has it been well received by your daughter? Has it made her less willing to let you know about any future girls she may have a romantic interest in?
My best friend at school was a girl (I am too) and we’d always sleep in the same (twin) bed when I stayed over. Her mum was convinced we were getting it on, so we’d even lay out a decoy bed on the floor… which is so weird of us to look back on! We just really liked sharing a bed – nothing sexual or sensual every happened, just the joy of sleeping in a bed with your best friend.
This isn’t really advice just a happy memory I have of being a teenager…
I come out (no pun intended) on the educate and empower side of this conversation. If my kid is going to drink/do drugs/have sex — I want them to know the risks and then do it in a safe place and feel comfortable talking to me about it afterwards.
My best friend growing up was a guy and he slept over on the floor in my room in 8th grade. I remember my mom saying something about it, and commenting that “boys and girls are different”, but it didn’t phase me. At one point the same friend decided he was interested in me, kissed me once, and I told him that wasn’t were the relationship was going. We are still good friends 20 years later.
I was always allowed to bring boyfriends home. And we often had sex in my bedroom. It wasn’t until I met my current husband and his parents wouldn’t let us share a room until we were engaged that I realized that it was different for others — and annoying, to be honest.
I would agree there shouldn’t be double standards for boys or girls, I guess I just think the standard should be one of education and empowerment. They leave your home SOON and I would prefer for that to happen with safe, educated experiences under their belt (full pun intended).
As a mother, I have no idea what I’m going to do when my son hits teenager. I hope that I’m as committed to being open and positive with my son as you are with your daughter. kudos!
As a former teenage girl, I had a terrible time coming into my sexuality. I became sexually active very early with both men and women. My mother created an environment where I didn’t feel safe asking questions or making it a conversation, so all of my sexual knowledge came from my (usually much older) friends. It sucked. I remember a period of time where my mother couldn’t decide if I was gay or straight so she banned sleepovers with boys, then with girls, then all together. It seemed like a joke to me, and my defiant streak convinced me to use it as an excuse to go out and have sex with more boys and girls. When my mom first got solid proof that I had a sexual experience, she freaked out and didn’t speak to me for a month (including my birthday which was during that time.) Later, when she tried to open the conversation I would just lie to her. At the time, I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal. I never really learned the difference between sex and intimacy. I thought sex would bring love and went through years of painful encounters and relationships to learn those lessons.
I guess my advice is the same as most people. Be really open and honest about your comfort level with sleepovers and why. Really listen to your daughter about who she is with and why she wants to have them. At the end of the day, the most important thing is to remind her constantly that she is a person of beauty and worth. Anyone she shares herself with should appreciate and respect that, regardless of gender.
As a teen, I never “came out” about being bisexual but I wasn’t ever really “in” about it either so it pretty well became common knowledge in my friends group and families. As much as the parents in the situation might have been struggling with how to address it, it was even more confusing for me and my friends. I had a group of friends, all female, with whom I had absolutely zero sexual interest. But cuddling and sleeping in the same bed had been normal for us for YEARS before the issue of me being bisexual even came up. My best friend’s dad seemed to handle it best–we were to sleep in separate beds, or in the hide-a-bed in the living room. I remember at the time being VERY confused by the sudden change in rules, and it took me months (at least) to put it together, at which point my best friend and I were both a little appalled and disgusted that he thought we were sneaking makeout sessions. Awkward. But another friend’s parents were really blasé about the whole thing and didn’t care if she and I slept in the same bed, or even if we were dating.
What I really needed at the time was someone to talk to me. I felt like these rules forbidding the sleeping in the same bed that we’d been doing for years were about people being uncomfortable with me being bisexual, rather than being concerned for their child’s (and my) well-being/sexual health. If they were concerned about safety, a conversation saying so would have revealed that a) no sex was going on so there was nothing so be worried about; and b) there were a lot of bad ideas happening related to a few of us and our sex lives that could have been made MUCH safer by having someplace safe to go–because the sex was happening either way.
I think in this situation, it’s important to remember a few things:
First, that NOT having had a previous sexual relationship with this girl didn’t stop your daughter from making out with her at a sleepover. So, making a rule that she can have sleepovers with people she HASN’T had sexy/make-out times with isn’t really a solution to avoiding sexy make-out times.
Second, being in a relationship does not automatically mean the daughter’s experience with this girl won’t develop into a second relationship. This is a great opportunity to discuss non-monogamy as a valid choice, and teach the daughter about communication and trust. On that topic, if she has committed to a monogamous relationship with the guy, I think it’s valid to trust her when she says it’s a “just friends” sleepover with the girl. If nothing else, the fact that fooling around with the girl at this sleepover would disappoint a lot of people for a few different reasons may be enough to keep it platonic.
But all of that requires a lot of communication, and being clear about setting expectations. If you’re concerned about your daughter having sex at a sleepover, SAY SO. Why does that bother you? Because you feel she’s not mature enough to be in a sexual relationship? Because you don’t want to be complicit in breaking a law to protect minors, given that 16 is the age of consent in a lot of states? Because you don’t want her getting STDs or pregnant (which I feel need to be the same level of priority), and therefore you’re going to make it as inconvenient as possible for her to get laid? I don’t think it’s out of line to say to your kid, look, I know you’re going to have sex, but I’d rather it not be here in my house. So have your sleepovers, but they need to be platonic, and in order to ensure that I’m going to say that [you must sleep in separate beds/rooms/whatever, although sleeping isn’t exactly the time you need to be worried]. When you have shown yourself capable of making good choices, and when you’re a little older, then we can consider sleepovers behind closed doors and me worrying less about the choices you make in your sex life.
Well, I am a bisexual woman who had a secret girlfriend as a teenager, and has a known girlfriend now (I’m 23, and live with my parents). The one time my secret girlfriend slept over we did share a bed, though we did not have sexual or romantic contact. My girlfriend now, when she spends the night, will sleep in the living room while I sleep in my room. The one time my girlfriend and I slept on the couch together, my (asexual) best friend was also sleeping with us.
If you can trust your kid not to sneak around, separate rooms might be an option you’re comfortable with. Or, only allow sleepovers with a third person.
Hoping this thread still receives comments, since this is a pressing issue in my life with my 12 year old daughter right now. I am very curious how others feel about the need to check in with the other parent before allowing one-on-one sleepovers or private hanging out time between two really young girls (11 & 12). If I know that my daughter has expressed romantic feelings for another girl and that other girl has expressed similar feelings for her, at this age I don’t see many other parents even considering the idea that there may be anything other than platonic friendship between their 11 or 12 year old and her girl friends and sleepovers are pretty commonplace at this age. What if I know that my daughter and her “friend” consider themselves to be dating but I don’t know if the other parent has any clue at all about her daughter’s potential sexual orientation. I thought of only allowing my daughter to have one-on-one time with her friend only in my house where I can be assured that there is supervision and appropriate interaction between them (don’t want them to get in over their heads at so young an age) – but I have received advice that if I allowed one-on-one interactions with this other girl with our family or in our house, I would be allowing a dating relationship without the other parent’s knowledge. I can sympathize with wanting to be in the loop if my daughter would be allowed to sleep in the same bed, or spend hours alone with her girlfriend in her girlfriend’s bedroom and I want to offer the same courtesy to other parents. Yet, if I ask questions about sleeping arrangements, alone time behind closed doors, etc I may be tipping a parent off to her daughter’s potential sexual orientation when that parent may not know, it may really scar the 11 year old girl if I ask her outright if her parent knows about the nature of her relationship with my daughter. I guess I am struggling over this because I can not decide if same sex experiences at the ages of 10, 11, 12 is natural, inevitable and can’t be helped (which I believe but don’t have any personal experience with) or if the other parent has a right to know since I know how seriously my daughter feels about the significance of this relationship and she has expressed that it is not experimentation but an indicator of her sexual orientation (which I know may fluctuate throughout one’s life or may not, but that is a whole other post re trying to explain that concept to my 11, turning 12 year old). SO, thoughts on what the rules should be for sleepovers, sleeping arrangements, time alone in the bedroom with door closed, between a just turned 11 year old girl and a just turned 12 year old girl? I am trying to balance the innocent girlhood experience of cuddling together in a bed watching movies with the knowledge that my daughter has strong romantic feelings about one of her girl friends? I have found it difficult to explain my rationale to my daughter about rules concerning unsupervised alone time with this one friend since she has expressed romantic interest in her (and it has been reciprocated, maybe, depending on which day I ask my daughter) but that these supervision rules do not apply with other girl friends since she has not indicated any romantic interest in them. I have tried explaining it to my daughter but she does not seem to really understand or want to have her interaction with this one girl treated any differently than any other female friends. (I also get the sense that she wants to play down any romantic interest in this girl so her unsupervised alone time with her will not be impacted.) And this is on no one else’s radar as far as I can tell in casual conversation with other parents of girls her age. In general, do you all think the rules for two girls sleeping over (even if they have expressed romantic interest in one another) should be different than a boy and a girl sleeping over with one another? Do you think it is a different situation because of the young age of the two girls and would be handled differently with older teens? Do you think it should be allowed and let the chips fall where they may or would that be completely irresponsible of me as a parent? The best approach I have come up with so far (after MANY hours of thinking about this) is using my daughter’s willingness and ability to calmly talk about this issue and listen to my concerns and share her concerns to serve as a barometer of whether she is mature enough to have a romantic/dating relationship with anyone of any gender. And the same would go for the person she is wanting to date (if the 11 year old girl is incapable of having an actual conversation about what the rules should be or even acknowledging that she has romantic feelings for my daughter, then the other girl is not mature enough). Anyone else been in this situation?? I feel like I would handle this differently at 15, 16, 17 than at 10, 11, 12. THANKS FOR ANY THOUGHTS
Relating a story of how hard my seven month old daughter is trying to stand without the aid anything to pull herself up to my father, he said “she’s so much like you- anytime someone said you couldn’t do something, you devoted everything to doing that thing…. that’s probably why you got into so much trouble.”
Maybe there is something to that. I grew up with strict rules, especially sex related, and my husband grew up in a very relaxed home. I lost my virginity 5 years before he did, tried drugs long before he did, and was a bad student to his straight A’s. I was, well, kinda fortunate to have ovarian cysts at an early age- my gynecologist gave me the info I needed on safe sex, as my parents approach was “don’t do it.” I ended up well rounded, never had an STD, worked hard to get myself into a job (and field) that I really love, married the perfect man, and produced the perfect child. My husband would say something similar, though he felt that his parents were way too open about sex – apparently providing your teen with tips on safe sex is okay, but a line should be drawn with tips on positions that are best given the height difference between said teen and his significant other.
I’m taking the long road to a short point. You know what your daughter will respond to, especially given how healthy and open it appears your relationship is. Perhaps your best bet is to level with your daughter- “these are my fears. This is what I had to learn the hard way. These are the (emotional and physical) risks you are taking should this situation go where I think it might.” In the end, she’ll make her own decisions and all you can do is hope for the best and be supportive along the way.
As it stands (I understand and accept the fact that parenting beliefs evolve over time), I am okay with my future teen having sex. I actually believe that it’s naive to assume that they won’t do it, even as young as 15 (and, possibly, younger). I believe my roll is to teach constantly and thoroughly about safe sex. Depending on their preferences and social life, I’m not even comfortable with my teenage daughters NOT being on birth control. Under these beliefs, I plan to allow sleepovers with both genders, even with girlfriends/boyfriends. This is obviously an extreme view, and I fully accept the fact that the “what if this/that happens” are variables. One must consider, for example, group “sleepovers” and those types of implications.
You have a fantastic relationship with her so I think that you just need to talk to her. Tell her about your concerns and explain to her why you feel unsure about this situation and you can find rules together. Also give her THE TALK. Please don’t just give her a book or a webpage and sit to wait for questions, the facts are there and you avoid the awkward moment but there is no communication involved and most likely your girl already knows how sex works and what STDs are, what she needs is you explaining to her why is it special and why she needs to take care of herself.
My dad is a doctor so I can’t remember THE TALK, as far as I know I was born knowing how babies are made; and somehow I always knew that sex is both a physical need and something much more deep than that. What this view of sex gave me was the tools to decide when, how and who. I am not a saint but I do know (and always did) that the best part of sex is love, so I waited until I found the right guy and it was beautiful and clumsy at 18. Before him I dated two older guys but I stood my ground because I wanted the whole thing, not just sex.
Don’t worry, it seems like you are a fantastic mom already, you just need to keep being open with her.
Just wanted to say thanks for this post. Our 14 year old daughter told us she was Bi about 3 months ago and it has put my wife and I at odds. Her waking up with a hickey after an all girl sleepover didn’t help matters. We both feel she is too young for any kind of sex, but I realize we can’t just lock her up until she’s 18 (as much as I’d like to). I am grateful to find this conversation and hope to glean some helpful advice.
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As a bisexual, I have to say that I totally used things like sleepovers and other gender segregated events as an opportunity to get some action behind my sexphobic & homophobic parents. Obviously your situation is a bit different though. I’d recommend that no matter what you decide, you should make your policy gender neutral. If you treat her boy & girl interests differently then you’re sending the message that same-sex relationships aren’t as “real” or serious as heterosexual ones. Kissing a girl isn’t just “experimenting” and you should treat girl love interests the same way you would a boy.
Wendy_Smith_III
I felt your response was perfect.
1. Don’t punish her for being honest with you or else she will just start lying
2. Don’t change the rules favouring sexual relations with girls over guys. You wouldn’t encourage her to be straight so don’t encourage her to be gay.
As for what to do, did you try explaining your challenge with her request? She may surprise you with her considerations or suggestions. Perhaps an open door policy? I dunno, something.
I can’t give you advice from the perspective of a parent, but I can give you one of someone who once was there. When I was that age, I struggled because I knew I was attracted to women, but I didn’t understand what that meant. My mother was Mormon and raised me as such, so the idea of having a girlfriend was completely out of the question. I wish my mother would have spoke to me about this and helped me to understand what was going on. Instead, I struggled until I was about 25 years old and finally came out 100% two years ago about 6 years after I’ve been married to my husband.
This is a great post. My husband and I have discussed what we are going to do with our little baby daughter when she gets to highschool. Because if she was like me- whooo boy! And if she was like him she will smoke pot in the basement and play D&D. My husbands plan was as follows “She can have all the boys or girls over she wants, but the boys have to sleep WITH ME (menacing dad face)” I ask him “What if she is gay?” His response “That would be awesome.” Apparently dad fears only relate to boys. So… that is more of a joke than anything and we will have to re-examine when we get there. I have to say I think the rules should be the same for both genders, the separate rooms, open doors policy is a good one, because then you are not “encouraging” sex- but you damn well know its probably going to happen anyways. That’s what my parents did. And my mom knew I was getting laid (and didn’t care), but my dad didn’t. Also- there was a suggestion in this post to use siblings as tattle tales. That SURE did not work for my parents. I have seven siblings and we had a universal agreement to not genital block each other, right down to me inviting my “friends” (my brothers girlfriends) over for sleep overs and vice versa. They “slept in my room” ie snuck into my siblings room in the middle of the night to get laid. C’est la vie.
Just a thought on having the friend of either gender sleep in another room, as many people suggested. I think that misses the whole point of having a sleepover! Sleepovers are about eating a shit-ton of candy and playing video games into the night! Whether there is smooching in between that, it doesn’t matter, you can’t stay up all night laughing if you’re in different rooms!
I’m straight and wasn’t allowed to have boys sleepover, but my mom still checked on me at odd hours through the night. So just that thought will definitely keep your kid from thinking twice to fooling around when she knows that you can and will walk in at any moment. However, my best friend’s mom slept right through all of our sneaking out. So we spent the night at guy’s houses all the time anyway! Even then, it wasn’t so much about having sex, it was about being with people in the middle of the night. It’s so mysterious, and magical. OooOOO!
I honor your love and concern for your daughter. You obviously have a strong open relationship with your daughter. This is a wonderful and beautiful thing. I would quickly offer you a reference: Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex.
I think you might find it in line with your parenting hand supportive to your experience.
Here is the bottom line, you cannot control your daughters decision on who she will choose to be sexually active with. You can support her in the vital information to make healthy decisions with healthy boundaries. Keep your home safe and welcoming to your daughter and support her by working with her frontal cortex, not being a hard line, that may be ignored.
Blessed Be to you and yours.
What jumps out to me about this scenario is that your daughter has a boyfriend. My biggest concern in this scenario would be relationship ethics, not who’s touching who and where. I’d ask my daughter how she would feel if her boyfriend told her he was going to have a platonic sleepover with a girl who was supposedly just a friend but was also the first girl he’d made out with. I’d also try to find out whether she’s having issues with her boyfriend and is exploring other options. Maybe that relationship has run its course. If so, I’d encourage her to break up with her boyfriend *before* she starts looking at other options, even if that looking doesn’t involve any kind of sexual contact.
I was surprised that no one had brought this up before now! The first thing I thought was “Um, if something happens with her female friend, doesn’t that mean she’s cheating on her boyfriend?!” I agree that it would be a good idea to have a conversation with her regarding handling relationships with maturity.
On the other hand, not all relationships are monogamous – it is entirely possible that the boyfriend is in on it and okay with it. (Which isn’t to say what you’re saying isn’t possible… my own experience is definitely along the lines of what you’re describing!)
True. Monogamy does tend to be the default expectation, though, and I’m guessing it’s unusual for teenagers to be familiar with the complexities of ethical polyamory. Questions like, “Does your boyfriend know?” “Is he okay with this?” “Would you be okay with it if he were doing the same thing?” should all be part of the conversation, imo. And like I said, I don’t necessarily think preserving the relationship with the boyfriend needs to be an intended goal. Maybe that relationship has run its course and the daughter needs help ending it before she goes looking for a new one.
I agree that if a teenager wants to engage in sexy times they will find a situation in which they can. However what I think gets missed in this situation is that they may also find themselves engaging in sexual behaviour, because of the situation they find themselves in.
Like adults, teenagers can get carried away, not communicate effectively, be impulsive, etc. This is not to say they should therefore be denied those opportunities. Rather, the opportunities they get should be in line with what they want/need/are prepared for.
I think that if you are in your own home, on your own turf so to speak, with your own parents nearby, you are much less likely to be pressured into something you don’t want.
At least for me, the only negative sexual experiences I had were not in my own home and I know things wouldn’t have gone down the way they did if I was at home instead of having to sneak out (I then felt I couldn’t tell my parents about this really bad sexual experience because I didn’t want to get in trouble for sneaking out).
I don’t think that providing a safe space is encouraging sexual behavior that wouldn’t happen otherwise.
I’m sorry you had such a bad experience.
I agree that providing a safe place is not a problem, but I think we need to clarify what a ‘safe space’ means.
For example, a fourteen year old may be spending time in their room with the door shut and a knocking rule – with and/or without a partner. But it may not be appropriate for them to have their boy/girlfriend sleeping over.
What is most important is talking with children and young people about consent, desire, safety, emotions etc. For me a safe place is important not only because of physical dangers, such as drugs and predatory individuals, but also to ensure that the young person feels safe and in control and is able to manage and communicate their boundaries and desires. I would want to believe a young person could do that, while sharing a bed, before I allowed sleepovers.
That said, I imagine when a teenager is able to ask and discuss the implications of a sleepover, they are probably mature enough to have one!
I do think that allowing girls & not boys to sleep over would set double standards. Whatever you decide, it’s best to be consistent. Relationships (or experimenting) with boys & girls should be treated equally. It shows that you consider neither experience to be more important or real than the other.
One thing that concerns me is the girl in question’s family. I keep imagining an angry parent (or set of parents) coming to your door with concerns about her/his/their child after the sleep over. This could especially be true if they do not know that their child & your daughter kissed…The parental figure(s) might not be as willing to accept sleepovers as you guys are…Just a thought…
Thank you so much for all the feedback! My comp time is very limited but there are so many people I want to respond to! I will be doing so over the next few days so please check back. And Thank You to everyone. So far all I have seen are well thought out respectful feedback. Offbeat Families are Amazing!
I hope this thread still gets comments even though it was started in 2012 – this is a very applicable question in my life with my 12 year old daughter right now and I have few options for candid input from others. Aubrey, what did you end up deciding and has it been well received by your daughter? Has it made her less willing to let you know about any future girls she may have a romantic interest in?
My best friend at school was a girl (I am too) and we’d always sleep in the same (twin) bed when I stayed over. Her mum was convinced we were getting it on, so we’d even lay out a decoy bed on the floor… which is so weird of us to look back on! We just really liked sharing a bed – nothing sexual or sensual every happened, just the joy of sleeping in a bed with your best friend.
This isn’t really advice just a happy memory I have of being a teenager…
I come out (no pun intended) on the educate and empower side of this conversation. If my kid is going to drink/do drugs/have sex — I want them to know the risks and then do it in a safe place and feel comfortable talking to me about it afterwards.
My best friend growing up was a guy and he slept over on the floor in my room in 8th grade. I remember my mom saying something about it, and commenting that “boys and girls are different”, but it didn’t phase me. At one point the same friend decided he was interested in me, kissed me once, and I told him that wasn’t were the relationship was going. We are still good friends 20 years later.
I was always allowed to bring boyfriends home. And we often had sex in my bedroom. It wasn’t until I met my current husband and his parents wouldn’t let us share a room until we were engaged that I realized that it was different for others — and annoying, to be honest.
I would agree there shouldn’t be double standards for boys or girls, I guess I just think the standard should be one of education and empowerment. They leave your home SOON and I would prefer for that to happen with safe, educated experiences under their belt (full pun intended).
As a mother, I have no idea what I’m going to do when my son hits teenager. I hope that I’m as committed to being open and positive with my son as you are with your daughter. kudos!
As a former teenage girl, I had a terrible time coming into my sexuality. I became sexually active very early with both men and women. My mother created an environment where I didn’t feel safe asking questions or making it a conversation, so all of my sexual knowledge came from my (usually much older) friends. It sucked. I remember a period of time where my mother couldn’t decide if I was gay or straight so she banned sleepovers with boys, then with girls, then all together. It seemed like a joke to me, and my defiant streak convinced me to use it as an excuse to go out and have sex with more boys and girls. When my mom first got solid proof that I had a sexual experience, she freaked out and didn’t speak to me for a month (including my birthday which was during that time.) Later, when she tried to open the conversation I would just lie to her. At the time, I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal. I never really learned the difference between sex and intimacy. I thought sex would bring love and went through years of painful encounters and relationships to learn those lessons.
I guess my advice is the same as most people. Be really open and honest about your comfort level with sleepovers and why. Really listen to your daughter about who she is with and why she wants to have them. At the end of the day, the most important thing is to remind her constantly that she is a person of beauty and worth. Anyone she shares herself with should appreciate and respect that, regardless of gender.
As a teen, I never “came out” about being bisexual but I wasn’t ever really “in” about it either so it pretty well became common knowledge in my friends group and families. As much as the parents in the situation might have been struggling with how to address it, it was even more confusing for me and my friends. I had a group of friends, all female, with whom I had absolutely zero sexual interest. But cuddling and sleeping in the same bed had been normal for us for YEARS before the issue of me being bisexual even came up. My best friend’s dad seemed to handle it best–we were to sleep in separate beds, or in the hide-a-bed in the living room. I remember at the time being VERY confused by the sudden change in rules, and it took me months (at least) to put it together, at which point my best friend and I were both a little appalled and disgusted that he thought we were sneaking makeout sessions. Awkward. But another friend’s parents were really blasé about the whole thing and didn’t care if she and I slept in the same bed, or even if we were dating.
What I really needed at the time was someone to talk to me. I felt like these rules forbidding the sleeping in the same bed that we’d been doing for years were about people being uncomfortable with me being bisexual, rather than being concerned for their child’s (and my) well-being/sexual health. If they were concerned about safety, a conversation saying so would have revealed that a) no sex was going on so there was nothing so be worried about; and b) there were a lot of bad ideas happening related to a few of us and our sex lives that could have been made MUCH safer by having someplace safe to go–because the sex was happening either way.
I think in this situation, it’s important to remember a few things:
First, that NOT having had a previous sexual relationship with this girl didn’t stop your daughter from making out with her at a sleepover. So, making a rule that she can have sleepovers with people she HASN’T had sexy/make-out times with isn’t really a solution to avoiding sexy make-out times.
Second, being in a relationship does not automatically mean the daughter’s experience with this girl won’t develop into a second relationship. This is a great opportunity to discuss non-monogamy as a valid choice, and teach the daughter about communication and trust. On that topic, if she has committed to a monogamous relationship with the guy, I think it’s valid to trust her when she says it’s a “just friends” sleepover with the girl. If nothing else, the fact that fooling around with the girl at this sleepover would disappoint a lot of people for a few different reasons may be enough to keep it platonic.
But all of that requires a lot of communication, and being clear about setting expectations. If you’re concerned about your daughter having sex at a sleepover, SAY SO. Why does that bother you? Because you feel she’s not mature enough to be in a sexual relationship? Because you don’t want to be complicit in breaking a law to protect minors, given that 16 is the age of consent in a lot of states? Because you don’t want her getting STDs or pregnant (which I feel need to be the same level of priority), and therefore you’re going to make it as inconvenient as possible for her to get laid? I don’t think it’s out of line to say to your kid, look, I know you’re going to have sex, but I’d rather it not be here in my house. So have your sleepovers, but they need to be platonic, and in order to ensure that I’m going to say that [you must sleep in separate beds/rooms/whatever, although sleeping isn’t exactly the time you need to be worried]. When you have shown yourself capable of making good choices, and when you’re a little older, then we can consider sleepovers behind closed doors and me worrying less about the choices you make in your sex life.
Well, I am a bisexual woman who had a secret girlfriend as a teenager, and has a known girlfriend now (I’m 23, and live with my parents). The one time my secret girlfriend slept over we did share a bed, though we did not have sexual or romantic contact. My girlfriend now, when she spends the night, will sleep in the living room while I sleep in my room. The one time my girlfriend and I slept on the couch together, my (asexual) best friend was also sleeping with us.
If you can trust your kid not to sneak around, separate rooms might be an option you’re comfortable with. Or, only allow sleepovers with a third person.
Hoping this thread still receives comments, since this is a pressing issue in my life with my 12 year old daughter right now. I am very curious how others feel about the need to check in with the other parent before allowing one-on-one sleepovers or private hanging out time between two really young girls (11 & 12). If I know that my daughter has expressed romantic feelings for another girl and that other girl has expressed similar feelings for her, at this age I don’t see many other parents even considering the idea that there may be anything other than platonic friendship between their 11 or 12 year old and her girl friends and sleepovers are pretty commonplace at this age. What if I know that my daughter and her “friend” consider themselves to be dating but I don’t know if the other parent has any clue at all about her daughter’s potential sexual orientation. I thought of only allowing my daughter to have one-on-one time with her friend only in my house where I can be assured that there is supervision and appropriate interaction between them (don’t want them to get in over their heads at so young an age) – but I have received advice that if I allowed one-on-one interactions with this other girl with our family or in our house, I would be allowing a dating relationship without the other parent’s knowledge. I can sympathize with wanting to be in the loop if my daughter would be allowed to sleep in the same bed, or spend hours alone with her girlfriend in her girlfriend’s bedroom and I want to offer the same courtesy to other parents. Yet, if I ask questions about sleeping arrangements, alone time behind closed doors, etc I may be tipping a parent off to her daughter’s potential sexual orientation when that parent may not know, it may really scar the 11 year old girl if I ask her outright if her parent knows about the nature of her relationship with my daughter. I guess I am struggling over this because I can not decide if same sex experiences at the ages of 10, 11, 12 is natural, inevitable and can’t be helped (which I believe but don’t have any personal experience with) or if the other parent has a right to know since I know how seriously my daughter feels about the significance of this relationship and she has expressed that it is not experimentation but an indicator of her sexual orientation (which I know may fluctuate throughout one’s life or may not, but that is a whole other post re trying to explain that concept to my 11, turning 12 year old). SO, thoughts on what the rules should be for sleepovers, sleeping arrangements, time alone in the bedroom with door closed, between a just turned 11 year old girl and a just turned 12 year old girl? I am trying to balance the innocent girlhood experience of cuddling together in a bed watching movies with the knowledge that my daughter has strong romantic feelings about one of her girl friends? I have found it difficult to explain my rationale to my daughter about rules concerning unsupervised alone time with this one friend since she has expressed romantic interest in her (and it has been reciprocated, maybe, depending on which day I ask my daughter) but that these supervision rules do not apply with other girl friends since she has not indicated any romantic interest in them. I have tried explaining it to my daughter but she does not seem to really understand or want to have her interaction with this one girl treated any differently than any other female friends. (I also get the sense that she wants to play down any romantic interest in this girl so her unsupervised alone time with her will not be impacted.) And this is on no one else’s radar as far as I can tell in casual conversation with other parents of girls her age. In general, do you all think the rules for two girls sleeping over (even if they have expressed romantic interest in one another) should be different than a boy and a girl sleeping over with one another? Do you think it is a different situation because of the young age of the two girls and would be handled differently with older teens? Do you think it should be allowed and let the chips fall where they may or would that be completely irresponsible of me as a parent? The best approach I have come up with so far (after MANY hours of thinking about this) is using my daughter’s willingness and ability to calmly talk about this issue and listen to my concerns and share her concerns to serve as a barometer of whether she is mature enough to have a romantic/dating relationship with anyone of any gender. And the same would go for the person she is wanting to date (if the 11 year old girl is incapable of having an actual conversation about what the rules should be or even acknowledging that she has romantic feelings for my daughter, then the other girl is not mature enough). Anyone else been in this situation?? I feel like I would handle this differently at 15, 16, 17 than at 10, 11, 12. THANKS FOR ANY THOUGHTS
Relating a story of how hard my seven month old daughter is trying to stand without the aid anything to pull herself up to my father, he said “she’s so much like you- anytime someone said you couldn’t do something, you devoted everything to doing that thing…. that’s probably why you got into so much trouble.”
Maybe there is something to that. I grew up with strict rules, especially sex related, and my husband grew up in a very relaxed home. I lost my virginity 5 years before he did, tried drugs long before he did, and was a bad student to his straight A’s. I was, well, kinda fortunate to have ovarian cysts at an early age- my gynecologist gave me the info I needed on safe sex, as my parents approach was “don’t do it.” I ended up well rounded, never had an STD, worked hard to get myself into a job (and field) that I really love, married the perfect man, and produced the perfect child. My husband would say something similar, though he felt that his parents were way too open about sex – apparently providing your teen with tips on safe sex is okay, but a line should be drawn with tips on positions that are best given the height difference between said teen and his significant other.
I’m taking the long road to a short point. You know what your daughter will respond to, especially given how healthy and open it appears your relationship is. Perhaps your best bet is to level with your daughter- “these are my fears. This is what I had to learn the hard way. These are the (emotional and physical) risks you are taking should this situation go where I think it might.” In the end, she’ll make her own decisions and all you can do is hope for the best and be supportive along the way.
As it stands (I understand and accept the fact that parenting beliefs evolve over time), I am okay with my future teen having sex. I actually believe that it’s naive to assume that they won’t do it, even as young as 15 (and, possibly, younger). I believe my roll is to teach constantly and thoroughly about safe sex. Depending on their preferences and social life, I’m not even comfortable with my teenage daughters NOT being on birth control. Under these beliefs, I plan to allow sleepovers with both genders, even with girlfriends/boyfriends. This is obviously an extreme view, and I fully accept the fact that the “what if this/that happens” are variables. One must consider, for example, group “sleepovers” and those types of implications.
You have a fantastic relationship with her so I think that you just need to talk to her. Tell her about your concerns and explain to her why you feel unsure about this situation and you can find rules together. Also give her THE TALK. Please don’t just give her a book or a webpage and sit to wait for questions, the facts are there and you avoid the awkward moment but there is no communication involved and most likely your girl already knows how sex works and what STDs are, what she needs is you explaining to her why is it special and why she needs to take care of herself.
My dad is a doctor so I can’t remember THE TALK, as far as I know I was born knowing how babies are made; and somehow I always knew that sex is both a physical need and something much more deep than that. What this view of sex gave me was the tools to decide when, how and who. I am not a saint but I do know (and always did) that the best part of sex is love, so I waited until I found the right guy and it was beautiful and clumsy at 18. Before him I dated two older guys but I stood my ground because I wanted the whole thing, not just sex.
Don’t worry, it seems like you are a fantastic mom already, you just need to keep being open with her.
Just wanted to say thanks for this post. Our 14 year old daughter told us she was Bi about 3 months ago and it has put my wife and I at odds. Her waking up with a hickey after an all girl sleepover didn’t help matters. We both feel she is too young for any kind of sex, but I realize we can’t just lock her up until she’s 18 (as much as I’d like to). I am grateful to find this conversation and hope to glean some helpful advice.