My husband and I have been married for two years now and with him being active duty, he is gone for months at a time and in a demanding and high-stress work environment. Naturally, as you might expect, the fullness of our sexlife dissipated. I was feeling neglected and dissatisfied with the few times we did have sex, and never seemed to have a constructive conversation about sex, until now…
I wrote a letter to my husband and he’s already opened up to me about it much more than he has ever before. I wanted to share my suggestions of what to include, in the hopes of helping others find the right words to say when bringing up these issues to their partners so that they too can have productive conversations about their sex lives.
Reassure your partner that the rut in your sex life has nothing to do with how much you love them and how attractive you find them. Explain that you’re going to tell them what you want and need from sex, and encourage them to open up to you, too. Here’s what I said:
I want to know what you need from me because I’m about to get into the specifics of what I need from you. I’m not trying to make you feel inferior or insecure. I want to give you the knowledge you need to approach sex with me as confidently as possible, and I want to know what YOU need for me to be confident too. I’m pretty sure that our lacking sexual confidence is 99-100% of what’s holding us back from being that couple who can’t keep their hands off each other.I promise that I’m having this conversation with you to make our sex life better, not to tell you you’re not good enough. You ARE good enough, and you’re MORE than capable to satisfy me — we just have some kinks to work out and some time we need to invest in practicing.
So, I’m going to spell out the things I DO know about myself that can help you when it comes to my sexuality, and then I want you to tell me what YOU need from me in order to feel confident and satisfied too.
Here I gave detail — lots of detail — about what turns me on. I used a metaphor to help him understand the importance of me being turned on before we get down to sex. Be specific and list the places you want your partner to spend time on, and how to do it.
I’m less like a set of drums and more like a guitar — you can’t just pick up your sticks and go right into the music and expect good results — I need certain strings to be tightened and loosened before I’m ready for a melody.Tuning these strings of mine, and particularly in the above order, I guarantee you’ll be playing me like Santana.
I stressed that foreplay needs to be a proportionate time to the actual deed.
I need time in both the tuning and the playing if satisfying me is your goal. You can’t go through tuning all the strings in 10 seconds and go right to playing Stairway to Heaven (at least without mastering the guitar first).Honestly, it’s physically uncomfortable and makes me self-conscious about my body and it’s innate ability to be sexual. Even worse is when we try to go right into sex. Not only is it uncomfortable and sometimes hurts, but by the time I feel like I’m getting “tuned,” the “song” is already done.
So I need time for both. Time for tuning and playing. The more you’ve mastered the tuning, the less time I’ll need for playing, I’m sure.
I let him know how I want him to be more vocal so that I know he’s enjoying it.
I want to know when you like what I’m doing to you (e.g. via moans, intensity of touch, you don’t always have to SAY anything). I also want to know when you like something that you’re doing to me. I understand the thrill of knowing you’re turning me on so I want to know what works for BOTH of us the most. So if it’s intense for me and you like doing it, I want to do it more. Win-win!
I let him know that I want us to be enthusiastic in taking and giving.
The quality of our sex life declines the second anyone feels it’s one-sided. We need to reciprocate sexual favors and acknowledge one’s efforts to please the other. Make sure both sides are satisfied before caving to exhaustion.
6. Be adventurous
I encouraged spontaneity.
Feeling frisky in the car? Express that and see what happens from there. Have a fantasy? Share it with me. Feeling kinky? Let’s try it.I want you to feel like you can be completely open with me about your desires without me judging you. And I want you to feel like we can get a little crazy like teenagers and have sex like we’ll get in trouble.
7. Reassurance, again
It’s not easy to have these types of conversations, so I closed the letter with more reassurance. I also asked him to tell me what he needs from me.
Now I want YOU to be totally and completely honest with me about your needs and what YOU think we should do to improve our sex life, even if you think a lot of the same stuff as me.Know this: You’re my sexy mista man and nothing will ever change that. I love you x infinity, and am so lucky to be on this life-adventure with you. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
P.S. Looking forward to “practicing” when you get home.
We have a lot that we need to work on, but I’m so glad I said what I needed to say and in a way that he actually was responsive to.
I encourage anyone going through the same stuff to have those conversations about sex that they’ve been dreading. The faster you have a productive conversation, the faster you can get back under the covers and REALLY get productive!