My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for five and have two beautiful children whom we adore. We function really well as a family, and have a healthy supportive household.
….However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards him.
Surviving divorce taught me how to survive a pandemic
When my 18-year partnership abruptly ended in late 2015, my life completely fell apart. It was a complete shitshow... kind of like this year. Here's... Read more
I have had a terrible past with abuse and relationships ending in heartbreak. I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn’t want me — as the chase is what really turned me on. However, when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart, because I lost trust in my heart, and made a decision based on my head.
I’m not attracted to my husband now…. but was there ever a physical attraction?
I did find him really attractive our first date night when I met him — our eyes locked, and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and, in a way, I saved him. He has been my rock and I have completely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful, and happy within myself and my achievements.
However… I have not been true to my feelings, or honest with him that being with him has always felt wrong.
It’s been six months since leaving my husband for another man…
It has been six months since I left my husband for another man... Six months that I have been paying for my choice through reduced... Read more
Since the first date night, my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. When he asked me to marry him I felt in the pit of my gut that it wasn’t right.
On our wedding day I almost felt sad, but I listened to my head and not my heart. He became my best friend, my companion, and the perfect father. It’s hard to explain, and you may wonder why I married him. I just thought that I could do without the spark… even though I’m not attracted to my husband anymore, I thought that the love alone would grow with quality time and physical intimacy. I thought our emotional connection would translate into a physical connection.
Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and more of a lack of attraction.
And now I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t stand him on a physical level — I don’t like his smell, can’t stand kissing him, all his little habits annoy the hell out of me, I can’t stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can’t smell him… The list goes on.
Needless to say, he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. Although we are emotionally intimate, our sex life is non-existant
I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years, and it has been weighing on my mind heavily.
…Until now.
Married and celibate: Adjusting my relationship expectations in a sexless marriage
We're barely in our thirties, but my husband and I are currently in a “sexless marriage” (defined as a couple who have sex “10 times... Read more
I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if I’m in this for the long haul — if I’m willing to live without sexual attraction and chemistry — or whether or not we are going to just be friends.
We agreed on an “in-home separation” and, amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable, and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However, I still can’t decide what to do!
I think the reason why I have been sitting on the fence for SO long is because of how much my husband and I have going for us.
We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well. We have similar love languages. We’re both good human beings.
We are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team. However, unfortunately, this hasn’t changed how I feel. There’s just no passion.
My husband and I have already talked about the possibility of being apart. We have already agreed on all the co-parenting fundamentals, finances, support, putting children first, sharing duties, bringing the kids up under the same roof, etc.
And then I start asking myself the questions…
7 things I have learned about relationships (since my divorce)
It has been interesting, over the last two years or so, to be an outsider in the relationship world. The dust has settled on my... Read more
Is it possible to co-parent and still function well as a divorced family?
Do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children? How can I teach them about honesty when I’m not being honest about my own marriage?
Do I have unrealistic expectations about how long term relationships and romance work? I mean, can you be in love with your spouse for the long-term or is it okay to not have those types of feelings? Do I just not understand how to make a relationship work?
I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need sexual chemistry to survive. Am I asking too much to have the sexual intimacy, as well as the comfort of friendship? Are you better off being single than with the wrong man, if it means being true to yourself? We can’t afford couples therapy, a counselor, or a psychologist.
I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle.
Want to read the update to this post?
Six years later, here it is:
Hi all, my soon to be ex wife showed me this article to tell me exactly how she’s been feeling. First of all, I’m sorry you have felt this way, I’m sorry you have to go through confusion, frustration, and now the will of destruction (of your marriage). You are not attracted to your spouse anymore, you fell out of love.
BUT, look clearly, the love is still there, what you fell out of, is lust.
Lust is that butterflies in the stomach feeling, many people have mistaked lust for love, not knowing love is actually the reward of lust. I’m sure you’ve heard of “the honeymoon phase”. Sex was great, we hardly argued, all we could think about were being with each others. But time passed, jobs changed, having kids, got more bills, more responsibilities. All we can think about is how much we can save by switching from one propane company to another, how do we stop our kids meltdown in the grocery store, and how can I sleep for 5 more minutes before I have to go start another stressful day at work. Sex is now more of a chore, at the end I’m having the SAME sex with the SAME person ( hopefully 🙂 ) for this many years. And a lot of time, we rather be alone than seeing our spouse around. Shit! I’m fell out of love!
My daughter loves Disney movies, so I’ve watched a fair amount of them. When it comes down to the “princess” movies, they all have the same theme. Princess met the guy, fell in love, then they always end with “And then they live happily ever after”, credit rolls, movie done. That’s why many parents raised their girl a “princess”, and many are dreaming of a princess wedding, or meeting their prince Charming. Nothing wrong with that, who wouldn’t want a PERFECT life, for themselves or for their kids? The problem is… life is never going to be perfect. When we set our expectations of love or marriage to a fairytale level, to expect that constant feeling of lust, regardless what life has brought in front of us (mostly stressful decisions), then you will be disappointed.
Marriage is hard, with less than 50% of survival rates (second marriage is less than 40%). But why? Did we all married the wrong person? To some of you, you might. But I do think a lot of the divorces, are causing by the wrongful expectations of marriage.
Lust will die down, honeymoon phase will pass, but love evolves. Love evolves to partners, to families. A long committed love makes us feel comfortable next to each other, it takes down our walls, it makes us share our goals. We don’t treat our spouse “Notebook” (the movie) style any more, but we gladly discussing what’s our next home DIY project sitting on the couch while watching flipper uppers (that show is like Bob Ross of DIY home improvements). While it’s not sexy, but it’s the life now we shared. Sometimes though, we might be a little bit more comfortable than we should… like that Dutch oven trick we did not only would kill some of the romance but also any living creatures. Anyway, sidetracked, sorry.
I guess, all I’m trying to say is, a good, successful, lasting marriage requires a lot of works, it’s not going to be eventful like the fairytales, or constant happiness and fulfillment like what we saw on other couples social media, hell, marriage will actually bring you more problems like bills, responsibilities, and kids at terrible twos. But you know what? I wouldn’t trade those “problems” for anything in this world.
I know many of you will disagree with me, at the end, we all have different opinions and we are all in different kind of situations. But the only reason I’m spending all these time typing on my phone on my company time ( please don’t tell HR on me, I’ve done enough over time), is if my words can save one marriage from falling apart, then it’s well worth it. Because …
YOUR CURRENT MARRIAGE HAS THE BEST SURVIVAL CHANCES THAN YOUR NEXT ONE(s)
Good luck everyone
Thank you for your response, I think it’s healthy to get responses from the “husband” point of view. You made a lot of valid remarks, my only kickback is that marriage doesn’t have to turn stale, we should invest throwing coals on the fire to keep it alive, right?
Thank you A. I’m whole hearted agree on keep feeding coals on the fire. However, we were never taught the lessons on how to maintain a marriage until it’s too late for some of us.
In a long term relationship we all assumed a role, some of us thought that by doing that role well, we will meet the expectations of our partners and keep the relationship going, not knowing expectation changes, but we didn’t due to lack of communication or sense of urgency. Common phases you might heard before in your relationship, “I thought we were fine”, “I thought you were happy”, or “you never told me that”.
Throwing coals on the fire is more than coming home with a dozen Rose’s, or fancy dinner every Friday night. Its maintaining healthy expectations, performing effective communication, and action.
I have no studies behind the following statement but I am in agreement of it. “Many people left their last marriage due to lack of passions only to find similar feelings many years later after their second marriage, and they feel guilty of putting their ex and kids through the hardships.”
Good luck 🙂
I feel the same way. My husband and i havent been married very long. I had children before i met him. I had same history with relationships. Raised one child on my own because his father abandoned us when he was a little over a month old. He never had a daddy figure. And my second son i share joint custody with his father. I fell in love with my husband fast when we met especially when i saw how fast he formed a wonderful relationship with my kids like they were his own. He has been wonderful to us these few years. But over time his mannerisms and lack of cleanliness has really got to me. He doesnt really take care of himself even tho ive voiced several times how it affects me and upsets me. He is the biggest slob. I feel like all i so is clean up after him. My tears never seem to make a difference. He always acts so deeply hurt when i try to be honest and tell him whats bothering me. He was raised different than i was and in a different kind of environment as well. So things that matter to me do not matter to him. We began to butt heads alot on parenting as well. He even lets his mother talk down to me and he never stands up for me at all even when he knows she is wrong. All of this has pushed me back quite a bit as far as our relationship. He is still my best friend. I wouldnt want to live without him. And he is an amazing father to my kids and has truly made a difference in my oldest sons life that grew up without a father. It would kill me to shatter my childrens lives if our marraige didnt work out. Ive drifted so far with my emotions that i cant even bring myself to be intimate with my husband. I literally keep a pillow between us if he tries to snuggle me or get in my face. I simply cant stand him sometimes. I dont know what to do because he gets so down if i ever say anything. Im starting to think this is just how it will be and ill have to suck it up and start being sexual sometimes to keep the marraige alive. This is the first time i have EVER shared this information. I need some kind of advice. Sometimes i think i would have never married him if it wasnt for my kids and i feel like an awful person. He is so good to me. He just doesnt make my heart flutter anymore.
I feel the same way! My husband is my best friend. But I couldn’t tell you the last time I’ve felt attracted to him or wanted to have sex. I can’t imagine my life without him, but I NEED intimacy and I can’t get that with him. I see myself cheating on him because I am craving a relationship with chemistry and intimacy but I can’t have my cake and eat it too. So I just don’t know what to do.
Exact same boat!!! He’s my best friend and I really don’t know if I can picture life without him. He’s a wonderful man. But I’ve never really been attracted to him. I met and got involved with someone else last year and the relationship had exactly whats been missing- passion/attraction. Now…knowing what I know, I’m really unsure about what to do. Do I go on in a marriage based on friendship- because he’s an extraordinary guy….or leave..knowing that this may no longer be enough for me? Sigh….
Omg this is the exact same thing for me. I wish someone would just tell me what to do!!
1. Don’t cheat
2. Get helps
3. Set the right expectations
4. Knowing marriage is a commitment and not a feeling
5. Talk to your spouse, communicate the urgency
6. Grass is not greener on the other side
7. Good luck
Wow! It’s like I am reading my own journal!!! It’s been awhile but I am wondering what decision, if any you made? I am going on year number 2 feeling super ambivalent…. I had an affair…. it blew up in my fave but while it lasted was everything I wanted/ needed. I can’t stop thinking about the what if’s but with 3 small kids and a decent guy I stay in the marriage…. there has always been an issue with our “chemistry” but we are great friends, and he doesn’t have as big an issue with our intimate relationship. I wish I could flash forward 5 years to see that my kids would be ok, he would be ok and then I might feel more confident in my decision to leave or stay.
Hi Confused, I still read the responses in this post so I thought I’d share what’s been going on for me lately.
I too have been extremely ambivalent for the past year (it’s going on a year now that I sat him down and talked to him about my un happiness & unfulfilled feelings about our marriage). I feel like the things we COULD actually work on improved slightly, but it still doesn’t make up for the real issue (lack of attraction) on my end.
It’s a tough pill to swallow…because I know deep down I should, in all honesty, leave the marriage. As I know he just can’t give me what I am truly longing for. He too doesn’t take issue with the fact that we don’t have sex, and I CONSTANTLY try to convince myself that I can live without a deeper connection (including physical), as I did for so many years (prior to the affair). I tell myself all the time that the comfortable life/my hobbies we have built will make up for what’s missing for me. But I’m terribly afraid it won’t.
I care for him (and yes love him- not in love) and the LAST thing I want is to hurt him. It’s like every time I begin to think about “how” to go about leaving, I panic.. and just want to do it the right way.
I realize that this thread is old and I am not sure if anyone will even see this… however it is worth a try. Reading ALL of the comments has helped and confused me all at the same time. MY STORY…. I was married for 18 years to a very mentally abusive man. That ended when he threatened to kill me in front of our kids. So, 10 years ago I divorced him. Scared but feeling free I got on the internet to try and make some friends and such. Met D. When we first met he and I became friends. He had gone through divorce and we could talk. He became my best friend and when he asked me to marry him, after asking my parents and children… I said yes. Sexually I have never really been attracted to him. But then again, I never really liked sex with my childrens father either. I thought I just wasn’t into sex. D and I have been married for 8 years. During this time he has introduced me to the open marriage and I finally realized that mainly he was into it because he liked watching me with others… It was ok for a while, but then I met T. T and D became best friends. When T went through a divorce, D asked him to move in with us until he could get another house. That has been 3 years ago. I am completely in love with T. T is amazing, I love being intimate with him, sexually and everyother way he is my soulmate…… But C is my husband. C began to realize that I had developed feeling for T and said that open relationship was over. That T and I could no longer be together intimately. I have been living tormented between loving both of these amazing men. For 3 years!!! T is looking to move out and is in the process of getting a house…that he wants him and I to live in. He wants me to leave my husband for him. WHICH leaves me confused. I have never been sexually attracted to C and while he is a bit controlling and overbearing at times, he is also my best friend and I love him so very much. Just not in love with him and have sexual feelings of attraction towards him. T loves music, loves to dance, enjoys everything that I do and really seems to be my soulmate. My husband is also great but in other ways… he hates dancing, is more into sci fi which I am not but is the smartest man I know and can fix anything.
Things came to a head a couple weeks ago when I admitted that I was in love with T. My husband at first was upset and then we talked, he asked if we could go to therapy, which we are doing and he doesnt want me to leave.
T wants me to leave with him. The relationship between those 2 is strained but cordial. I am not allowed to be alone with T nor have conversations with him unless it is via group chat or husband is in the room. We are all still living together and it is torture.
C wont let T move out until he gets a house because he promised him that was the deal and he is not going to go back on that. Both are very great guys.
ANY advice would be greatly appreciated and I am honestly in need of help. I have started going to a counselor on my own but I am so freaked out and confused she put me on Xanax!
This was written so long ago yet just found it and it describes my feelings exactly. Was hoping to find the OP and see how things worked out. I’ve been married 17 years with 3 kids between 11 & 16. Got married very quickly for the exact same reasons and same feelings. Now I am nearing 40 and feel hopeless.
Hi Everyone, Original Poster here. Well, after 6 years of working on myself, finding myself, and trying to do absolutely everything I could to save the marriage I finally had the strength to call it quits.
I spent years researching, years in therapy, years working on past issues, and years meditating but unfortunately still had no feelings what so ever for my husband. I also realised that he was NEVER going to change and NEVER going to work on the marriage and with all the personal development I had done, I actually feel like I outgrew him in the end.
Some of the key factors in my decision were also that we all moved home to New Zealand where we have the financial support to live separately. Also, me learning to love myself enough to know that I can be loved by someone else and love back.
Most of all, I learned, that a a marriage ending, does NOT mean you are tearing your children’s lives apart. With love, respect, and influence, your children do not have to suffer on going trauma from a marriage ending! I actually couldn’t believe how many people made it into such a bloody negative thing and that so many articles said that staying together for the children despite your own happiness is the best thing to do. Well sorry but I think thats completely wrong! My children are thriving!!! They have two parents who adore them and co-parent completely amicably, we still do things together and everyone is happier.
When you dig a bit deeper into the research, you will find that most children bounce back with NO permanent damage as long as their NEEDS ARE MET. This can be done as a couple or separately! Do do everything you can to try saving things, but if it ain’t working, it ain’t working!
You can’t force yourself to love someone, you shouldn’t stay in a marriage just because thats the person you married!! People change! And it takes both sides to make it work. If one person is putting all the work in and other one isn’t, move on! Good luck everyone!
Alex xo
PS: it is NOT unrealistic to want LOVE and to be IN LOVE!!!! What a load of garbage that is! I think people who think thats unrealistic obviously don’t have very much self worth. I want a great love, that goes on forever. Of Course the passion and chemistry fades, but when both people work on the marriage it can last the whole way though. I have now seen it first hand. You just have to meet the right person. So if this is important to you, don’t give up hope! x
Omg Alex ! I swear this could have been written by me and I am SO SO thankful I came across this!! I also live in NZ but Auckland where it’s not cheap to live and I don’t have a job yet (youngest is 2.5yrs). So I’m now working on putting him in full time care so I can get a job and properly try living separated. We tried it for a while but stayed living together (kind of like an open marriage in a sense) and did counseling too but ultimately I know (like you did) that I’ve been lying to myself this whole time, and it’s not going to grow or get better. And I deserve a real love, and my kids deserve to SEE what real love is. So I’m pleased to see you made the decision to do what’s right for you because I know that’s what you have (secretly) wanted all along- because I do too!!
Honestly so relieved to see so many similar stories from women who genuinely get it. Love to you all- hope you find your happiness! Life is too short to spend it unhappy and doing what everyone else thinks you should be doing.
What if ones husband forbids a divorce, citing the detriment it would have on the children?
Mel….to me, that sounds like he is a very controlling man. Your husband shouldn’t ever “forbid” you from doing anything that would benefit you or your children. I can say with absolution: your children already know your marriage is bad. It is more detrimental to the children to stay married “for the children” because they see the dysfunction, they see everything you think you hide from them.
I recently told my partner that I have lost my attraction for him and have no desire to kiss him or have sex with him anymore. He was never my type and I only felt attracted to him in the beginning because he treated me better than I have ever been treated (although that isn’t hard to do considering I have been in two physically abusive relationships). I felt being honest was the first step in solving this problem. I didn’t tell him that EVERYTHING about him is really annoying me now too though (I didn’t want to completely break his heart). He has been so understanding and started to really step up to try to get me to be attracted to him again. He sends me flowers while he is at work, changed his entire wardrobe, started working out and even suggested that he might get a jaw augmentation and a hair transplant to look more masculine and change up his appearance. He even bought different shower gel and cologne to change his smell. And as much as I find it so endearing that he is willing to go to extreme lengths to make me happy and completely satisfied in the relationship, I feel TERRIBLE. Could any of what he is doing make me develop a physical attraction to him again? I don’t know. But I feel like a horrible person because I know I have the most amazing man in the world who is willing to do anything for me, but I can’t give him the love and intimacy that he deserves. I’ve decided to stick it out and do what it takes to work on things. If he is willing to put in that much effort then I am too. If it doesn’t end up working then at least we both tried everything and gave it a really good go.
I’m so right there with you, Brooke. This has been the most agonizing experience. We’ve been together 14 years/married 11 and the marriage could be classified as sexless for the entire duration of the time we’ve been together.
I too sat down with my husband at the beginning of this year (about 8 months ago) and had a “real talk” about how i have struggled with being attracted to him/wanting a physical relationship with him. And feeling very unfulfilled in the marriage. Of course i didn’t tell him everything either…even though he took all of this much better than i had anticipated. He also has tried to step up and work on his appearance..and he will be really consistent for a few weeks at a time….but then falls off the wagon and doesn’t take as good of care of his hygiene/gym routine, etc. ..mostly due to stress of work. Which makes me feel just awful too. He is a wonderful man…a phenomenal person…and i feel like i’m being SO petty and superficial…asking for too much sometimes. I am trying so hard to see this through and try everything i can to see if this marriage can work. I so many times have felt like giving up…as i just cannot see myself in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life….But then on the other hand i want to be able to look back and say that i tried all i could to make it work. That he has done so much for me over the years…that he deserves a fair chance at making it better. I agree in that i too feel I’m being unfair and been unable to give him the love/affection he truly deserves.
And I need to be able to get to a place in my heart where I’m willing to try to do that.
Sounds like you’re doing all you can. It’s a horrible situation but all we can do is be as honest with them as possible and see what happens. I’m giving it 6 months to see if we can get the attraction and chemistry back, but if not then we are better off going our separate ways. I’m lucky in that we haven’t had any kids and I’m still in my early thirties. But I don’t think it matters what age you’re at. We all only get one short life on this earth and we all deserve to be as happy and fulfilled as possible. Xx
Does anyone else hold the fear that perhaps what you have is the best you can do? I sure do.
Trebled artist, ohhh yeah… definitely feel that way. Feel like this is the best I’ll have more times than not. Especially given that he is truly a good man, has given us a good life, and has really done nothing wrong. I’m the one who realized all of this stuff… the hard way.
Well I finally ended things. I couldn’t wait the 6 months I originally planned to. Apparently being honest with him was okay at the start but now it’s just turned into something ugly and beyond repair. He doesn’t feel good enough for me and it’s taken a huge toll on his self esteem which I feel horrible about but it’s making him even less attractive to me than before. I felt like he deserves someone who will love all of him so I set us both free. I feel so much better now to be honest. When your gut is telling you something then listening is the best thing you can do. I’m excited about life again and I’m doing all the things I always wanted to do but didn’t have the motivation for. I feel so empowered and I’m really looking forward to moving on and dating again. This time I know exactly what I want and what I can’t deal with so I won’t be making the same mistake of getting into another relationship with an amazing guy that isn’t extremely sexually appealing in the beginning. Like I said before, we only get one short life on this earth so let go of things that are hurting your soul and spirit, do what makes you happy, follow your instincts and don’t be scared to jump off the deep end into the unknown. We can do it ladies. We have the power to take control of our lives and we deserve to be happy and live our best lives with someone who truly satisfies our deepest desires. Xoxox
I’m so happy to hear that you feel you made the right decision! That’s a wonderful feeling. Thank you for the update. It really helps to know that we aren’t alone in this and many other women out there are experiencing the same issue. It certainly helps me, as I feel so alone in this sometimes…like I’m going crazy at times also.
I hope and pray I will figure out a more definitive timeline for myself. We do deserve to be happy and fulfilled in this life , you are right.
If I can do it you can too. I’ll always be just a chat away. Xx
It is very important to think first well before thinking of separating completely or divorcing. Co-parenting is not easy
i agree totally. but honestly, as a wife, you’re not a prostitute in the business of giving sexual pleasure. your role as a good partner, stable companion, a sympathetic ear, a home maker, a peace keeper, a mother and friend, is far more valuable than what your physical body is able give in sexual gratification. people need to marry for the right reasons. Sex isn’t everything. kindness and respect is tenfold more important in a stable working lifelong relationship.
i’m not saying give up sex entirely, but you don’t have to have sex all the time to be in a marriage that lasts. if you don’t enjoy it and husband always wants it, its a favor system, you give in to his desires after some wine and a nice dinner date, and he in turn takes care of you in some fashion. he can send you to the spa, or rub your back for you, run a bath for you, help with cleaning, whatever. Much of what makes a marriage strong does not require intense sexual desire. I am only 27 years old, and married for 3, so very new to my marriage still, but I love and appreciate my spouse regardless of his physical being.
I admit that the attraction isn’t there most the time I don’t want to be intimate and will avoid it, but I also don’t deprive it entirely and would never throw away the kindness he shows, the love that shines in his eyes when he looks at me every day, the goodness in his heart, trumps anything that a more attractive partner and a spicy sex life would have to offer. Think about your life in old age, stare long and hard into the future, and can you see the benefit of a lifelong commitment to this person? Do you feel stifled by the relationship and want to find who you are? I would highly suggest you do some soul searching before marriage, but if you are already married please be open and honest with your partner and try to see if you can build hobbies and interests to help define and fulfill your inner being apart from the person so you can grow back together, learning from and admiring eachothers differences. Best of luck for you all!
I am praying for you all to find happiness regardless of your choices. I do believe that when you take time to focus on YOU, apart from spouse /kids /responsibilities/work if you are employed, and the mundane to do something you truly enjoy , be it painting, taking classes that interest you, planning some travel, journaling, anything that gives you fire inside, your relationships (not just your marriage) too will begin to blossom. Make friends, talk to people, visit new places even if it’s just the coffee shop or book store, join a yoga class. I was depressed and living a joyless life at a certain point, and my lackluster relationship was a symptom, not the root cause of the unhappiness I felt.
I found things that I deeply cared about and started building my own goals apart from spouse, finishing school and taking advantage of the financial stability that marriage provided. I was able to find happiness again with my partner. I also started a gratitude journal, and one thing that seems to help after a conflict was just stating some thing(s) you are thankful for about them, each day, and have them do the same.
I will never feel Head over Heels, butterflies, let’s get jump eachothers bones, for this man, but he is my best friend and I have deep respect for him. comment me back if any of this works for you! Eager to hear from you all xoxo
These stories resonate with me. I have been married almost 20 years and have one 11-year old son. I have never been in love with my husband. I remember when I kissed him for the first time it was like kissing a friend.
I know what being in love feels like, but before my husband every time I was in love it ended badly. They ended up leaving and not loving me the way that I loved them. So ultimately I decided to marry someone completely opposite of “my type.” Someone who loves me more than I love him because it was just safer and I was afraid of getting hurt again. Not the brightest idea in hindsight.
The problem is that my husband is a wonderful man and a great catch. But I just can’t see him as more than a really good friend. I have zero physical attraction to him.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I really have a good enough reason to go. After all, I got myself into this situation. It’s not his fault. Leaving would crush him. He is one of my best friends, so it would crush me on some level as well.
I thought that I could handle not being in love with him, but it turns out that it is more of an issue than I anticipated. I even read the book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” hoping for clarity. I didn’t get any.
My gut tells me to both stay and leave, so telling me to listen to my gut is equally confusing.
Wow… you told my story, Jill. And I know how hard it is… to pull the trigger and actually do something. It’s absolutely terrifying after being with someone (and having that comfort) for so long. I feel like I’m sitting on the edge of the cliff and just cannot jump…. even though I know deep inside I need to.
I feel exactly the same; except mine did cheat on me. I’m sincerely afraid that I won’t find anything any better though. Maybe this is as good as it gets? Ugh.
Hey, everyone. I’ve posted the author’s update to this thread in a new post:
https://offbeathome.com/should-i-stay-in-a-marriage/
I’m going to close comments on this post, just to keep this thread from getting overwhelming… if you have comments or questions, head over here:
https://offbeathome.com/should-i-stay-in-a-marriage/#comments