Masturbation and my relationship: How I stopped worrying and learned to love myself… despite living with my partner #Relationships#masturbation#sex April 23 2013 | Guest post by Sloane Adelaide By: Mark Skipper – CC BY 2.0 We've talked about masturbation on Offbeat Home and Offbeat Bride before. We're familiar with solo sex here. But what if you no longer live solo? "Easy," I thought when thinking about how my sex life would change when my boyfriend and I finally moved in together. "Sex whenever/however/wherever we want. This is, as far as I can tell, the only reason anyone moves in together at all ever." And more or less, this has proven true. Except sometimes… I want, and he doesn't. And other times… I want very specifically to do my thing alone. Well, guess what? I realized that for me, masturbation while living with my partner is perfectly normal. More than normal, it's good. Great, even. Initially I felt weird about looking forward to being alone to masturbate — or even sneaking off to bed early to get down to some independent business. Once when my boyfriend was up late watching a movie, I found myself lying in bed just waiting and growing more frustrated by the second, I realized that if we didn't live together, I would have been done and asleep happily by then. I can't expect our sex drives to match up all the time — we have to be in the mood at the same time. And that's the thing: it's about mood. Good sex is, I think, more of a mental thing than a physical thing — and being turned on doesn't wait for anyone. The mental aspect of sex is exactly why I believe that even if our sex drives synched every time, I'd still want to masturbate regularly. Being the conductor in your own orgasmic symphony is a completely different sexual experience than when someone else is a participant. Fantasy is a big part of sexual gratification, and it's easiest to fantasize alone (cause in my head I can have all the lesbian threesomes I could want — even though that doesn't work for my relationship dynamic in real life). As a teenager and young adult I explored my fantasies and sexuality with masturbation — why should those pursuits end at a certain age? Related Post Figuring out why I'm so uncomfortable with my partner's self pleasure My partner masturbates without my knowing and for some reason it really bothers me. My reaction surprised me and I had to dig into it... Read more Once I realized that these moods and interests exist independently of my partner just as they had my whole life since puberty, and that "sex" includes solo sex as much as it includes sex with others, I wondered if he ever flew solo, too. So I asked him. "Have you jacked off since I moved in?" "No." "Is it cause you don't want to or cause you don't have time alone?" "Definitely cause I don't have time alone. There've been times when I wanted to just rub one out." "Rub one out." The casual nature of that slang phrase really made me realize something else. Despite how fantastic the mental part of masturbation can be, there's also still some times when you physically want to orgasm. ASAP. Like, before you can do anything else. Sex with your partner as a "means to an end" for that release of sexual energy is a lot more complicated emotionally than masturbation. Sometimes you just want to rub one out. So I guess in summary, masturbation is for me an activity no less legitimate than staying up late to watch a movie. It's a way to explore fantasies and your own sexuality. It's a craving no less real than wanting ice cream right fucking now. It's a means to an end so you can go the fuck to sleep. Whether or not you indulge these cravings or use this tactic is up to you — but now, our apartment is a masturbation-friendly zone. And we're stoked. Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Guest post written by Sloane Adelaide Sloane Adelaide is into sex and academia. https://twitter.com/SloaneAdelaide PREVIOUS Have you switched from the pill to Fertility Awareness Method? NEXT Throw this party: MINGLO! Show/Hide comments [ 90 ] Love this! 23 agree Reply I think this is great! It's very similar in my home and this is the first time I've ever lived with a man. I love explain to my friends how it works in my house just to see their reactions. I'm living with my fiancé because I love him and I love that he knows that sometimes a girl just needs to rub one out and go to bed! 🙂 20 agree Reply Great perspective! Makes me feel a little less guilty about my extended showers. 14 agree Reply Do you mind if he looks at some erotic movies or masturbates/touches himself while watching in same room ? I mean if you are tired and prefer to go to sleep. Do you think husband should hide it out of respect or is it more respectful to not hide it and be open… Just would like a girls opinion 5 agree Reply Personally, I wouldn't mind. My bf and I sometimes watch erotic films together before sex but there are times I would prefer he just "rub one out" by himself. We have yet to try this but I will be mentioning it once he's home! If he can play WoW all night in bed while I sleep why not fulfill other needs that way too. He does have a far more active sex drive than I do so I love your idea! Reply Aisling, I'm hope the idea helps, maybe guys just need the encouragement…I just think transparancy is best, but i know if I my desire isn't burning and I think my bride is not anywhere in the sphere that I am in, then i don't touch myself openly or will close a window if even like checking out sports illustrated page. tell him that jerking it helps guys last longer by holding it and try to not cum. its good practice while watching some silly erotic movie. 3 agree Reply I don't have any issues w him masturbating. Our sex drives are often mismatched- but i like watching him a lot.. I struggle w being comfortable doing the same though! I know he would like it but for some reason I always feel like I need to hide it.. It'd probably improve our mismatched sex drives if I figured out how to get over this stupid quirk of mine too.. Reply I find it really corrosive to my own sexual attraction towards my husband. That's kind of a problem. It for sure doesn't make me want to have sex with him when he so easily will turn to other things for release. What do you need me for then? I know it's natural. I know it's okay. I know that I do it. But for whatever reason, I find it a little hurtful and would rather not know, or hear, or see any evidence of it. Dirty little secret. Or at least do it when I'm not home. Even then, cover your tracks. Cause when I find out or suspect it makes me feel like I'm missing something. It feels sneaky too. I'd actually prefer the energy be directed towards me or our connection b/c often when this is happening-I'm feeling deprived. But judging by everything I've read pertaining to this topic-having your husband come to you for sex all the time- is apparently unrealistic. Who knew?! To add porn into the mix…..that worsens it by a lot for me. You are literally seeking and looking at something else, to ignite pleasure centers in your brain. You are making that choice, over your wife. I often wonder how my husband would feel if he found my vibe left out. Or a searched my browser history (should I have one which I don't). Maybe it'd turn him on? Or maybe it would make him question my satisfaction and make him feel just as shitty. I rather be devoted to one another. That's just me. 25 agree Reply Lisa, Thanks for taking the time and sharing your thoughts. I agree with how you feel and what you said. It is how it should be. I read something the other day that really hit home, surprisingly on a youtube comment. But it was something along the lines of if you are in love with someone that you wouldn't need or want porn. It was so simple but struck me as such a large undeniable truth. My wife and I had a fight and it came up( that she is hurt by what I do), even though we watched some videos and she seemed not to mind and even said she was up for a softcore sort of movie. But still the truth is she doesn't want me having to look at other women to get more in the mood. Part of the appeal is just her being okay with it, that for me was some sort of turn on. But I'm trying to turn over a new leaf once again, and be one of the few just men who can find a truer and better love for their spouse and not lust over other women, whether out in the world or on a PC. thanks again for sharing. And I'm glad you had the opinion you did and not the other side. Please don't write back, as I need to step away and remove myself from these thoughts and not twist what is right and true 7 agree Reply I'd love for him to watch it there in front of me. Who knows? I may forget I'm tired and start to feel the heat myself! But also, maybe it's something you can talk to her about and see how she'd feel about it. Gluck! 2 agree Reply I have to be sneaky about it if I want to do it while my husband's home, or he'll be a little sad that I didn't invite him to "help" (it's not "helping" if it takes twice as long and requires twice as much clean-up, darlin…) Sometimes I just want to get off quickly, no fuss, knock out the headache I have brewing, and move on with my day without having to worry about things like "other people's needs" and "breaking a sweat." Actual two-person sex is a whole 'nother activity that is kind of barely related. He's lucky enough to be able to get off in the shower (I have to be laying down and comfortable) so if he wants to sneak it in, I'd never even know. I have to wait until he's doing something loud enough to drown out the buzzing, haha. (Luckily I'm home alone a lot 😉 ) 59 agree Reply I believe your sentiment exactly mirrors my husband's ideas about sex. And I think that a relationship is at its best when each partner can tend to their own needs when they arise, because then they can truly participate in the relationship when giving is wanted/needed. Moreover, I think solo time makes for a more assertive lover because then you know what is really good for you, and can tell your partner all about it when you come back together. Protip: if your partner likes dirty talk, feel no shame describing the last time you masturbated. 😀 13 agree Reply My husband and I are okay with self pleasure. For years I masturbated secretly but eventually got over my shyness and embarrasment. if he is masturbating and I take over he is happy and if I don't feel up to it he is happy. if I am masturbating and he helps me out , he doesn't expect reciprocation. We love it…. 6 agree Reply Do you think it is okay for guy to be open about it and not hide it or you think alone in bath is better(private?) 1 agrees Reply Cool. I have adrenal problems, so once I get a bit aroused it's best for me to see it through as soon as possible so that my body isn't sustaining that state, it's a health thing. I think self-love it's a matter of physical health for planty of people, it's just not talked about. Satisfying masturbation (emphasis on the satisfying) is a great way to calm down at least that drive for a time while you've got lots of other urges and thoughts buzzing round your body; I think the point in the article about the energy it takes to have partnered sex is very important. Great to have it out in the open (the subject, I mean…) 8 agree Reply YES. I remember the first time I masturbated was when my partner was asleep next to me. When I told him the next morning, he said he thought it was awesome. This is totally healthy, and I'm lucky that he's secure enough that if he comes home and I happen to be taking care of myself he doesn't mind. Plus, we've got a kid in the mix, so sometimes masturbation is a definite stress reliever for me — it's my "mama time" :). 12 agree Reply Yes! Sometimes I wake up and I would just like some self-love first thing in the morning. This is always a good opportunity for the hubby to take our daughter out for an early morning walk so I can have some alone time! I think it's a turn on for both of us too, because then all day, we're thinking about what we will do together the second our daughter is asleep! : ) We also got into the habit of texting each other whenever we have "Mastered our Domain." Something about sharing makes us more lighthearted and happy. It's something that we like to tease each other about, and that sense of playfullness can really brighten both of our days! 20 agree Reply "Mastered our Domain!!!" I'm totally saying this from now on. 12 agree Reply OMG best thing ever. *snags for future use* 1 agrees Reply It's great quote from Seinfeld! 1 agrees Reply I was recently having this convo with my husband, as we both have very hectic work schedules and our sex drives aren't the least in sync right now. At first I felt guilty and a lil ashamed for keeping my vibrator. But after I realised that he still did it, it was a realisation that we can both still get some self love AND a robust sex life, when we did fall in sync. Yeaaa for keeping it real in relationships! 14 agree Reply Hey, don't feel bad about keeping your toys! In fact, when my husband (then boyfriend) moved in, I let him know where they were and he likes to get them out during "us" time! 3 agree Reply This right here folks –> ""Have you jacked off since I moved in?" Offbeat Empire Quote of the Week, for sure. 29 agree Reply Most of the time I go to bed at least three hours after my husband, so I "rub one out" just about every night. It's been a nightly ritual for years and nothing puts me to sleep like a solo-O. I'll even do it even if we just had sex a couple of hours ago. For me it's almost not even a sexual thing, it's just what it takes for me to fall asleep. I am lucky to have a partner that understands that. 8 agree Reply My partner masturbates much more often than I do. He has a higher libido than I do, so this arrangement satisfies us both. I sometimes ask him curious questions about his masturbatory habits, but it really doesn't bother me that he does it. 9 agree Reply Do you mind if he looks at some erotic movies or masturbates/touches himself while watching in same room ? I mean if you are tired and prefer to go to sleep. Do you think husband should hide it out of respect or is it more respectful to not hide it and be open… Just would like a girls opinion Reply That. ^^ 4 agree Reply The hubs & I just moved overseas to live for 6 months. Luggage space is at a premium for this kind of move (living with just 2 suitcases, 2 backpacks and our computers for 6 months!). Without surprise, we each brought our own "toys" in our luggage. 3 agree Reply Even though I'm married, I masturbate because : – my sex drive is higher than his, and I'd rather go solo than resent him for not needing sex as much as I do. He knows it, probably doesn't realize how often I do it, but it's cool. I know he does it sometimes as well, though he won't really speak about it. – I don't feel pressured to come every time we have sex. I hardly have orgasm when we make love, so getting orgasms on my own is a good means for me to actually enjoy the physical intimacy of having sex together (rather than wanting an orgasm at all cost, forgetting about how good sex feels anyway and feeling frustrated in the end). 24 agree Reply Sadly my hormonal birth control has tanked my sex drive, so I haven't had the need to go solo since I moved in with my s/o. I brought my toys with me, but I don't think I've used them in two years. I hang on to them in case either of us has to go on a really long trip without the other. I sure hope he helps himself if he ever needs it, but I've never actually asked. I work a lot more than him though so he has plenty of time home alone. 4 agree Reply This. How weird is that? My BC does not seem to inhibit my regular sex drive, but flicking the bean is something that just never occurs to me anymore. I used to be one of those people who would rub one out every night to sleep, and now it's just "meh". 1 agrees Reply That's weird too, I'm the exact opposite. The pill completely ruined my drive for sex, I've also been very "meh", not caring, enjoying it when it happens but actually kind of considering it more of a chore. Doing it alone is so easy and so relaxing though that it's a daily thing. Even if I DON'T want to, it's just so built into my routine. I'm just now, VERY slowly, starting to get my "regular" drive back. I'm so glad I'm not alone in considering these activities two completely separate things. 1 agrees Reply TREAT YO SELF 19 agree Reply So, does anyone else find the idea of your partner sneaking off to rub one out in the shower totally hot? Because I really do. I mean, not to sound skeevy or anything, but the idea of my partner masturbating has never been something that bothers me, but it has always been something that I'm kinda pervy about. Many men I've dated have been completely embarrassed to talk about it. My FH is totally honest and that's cool. 17 agree Reply I also secretly hope to catch my man at it. We're both kinda prude, and I think if I caught him, and reacted just right, it would really open our doors. I would love to watch him….I know he wants to watch me…..but I can't just come out and suggest that we do it….so I keep hoping to catch him. Not skeevy at all!! 9 agree Reply I caught my wife playing, totally unintentionally, came home after going out for a run and she had headphones in and was oblivious. I found it really sensual, and when she finally realised I was was wasting her we couldn't take our hands off each other… 1 agrees Reply I'm with you on that too. When I was an adolescent, male masturbation was only talked about as something icky; I was so relieved when I found out that I wasn't the only het female who thought it was hot! 6 agree Reply Late to the party here, but whatevs, I'm commenting anyways. So, totally also have always found this hot too… always known hubby does it, always secretly hoped to catch him…. but then, a few months ago, I was cooking tea, and hubby had gone in to have a shower, and I went in to ask him something dinner related, and caught him in the act. And I was PISSED… and I'm having this argument with myself in my head like "I'm right here!" "you do it too!" "but he had the water on, why would he try and hide it from me!?" "you know he does it" "but I'm right here!" "you were busy!" "kitchen counter while making dinner is a totally legit scene" but anyway, we talked about it, and I got over it, but I'm still a bit confused about my reaction…. 5 agree Reply Have been doing some searching for something on this subject, as I'm trying to understand my own mental and emotional responses. Foxie, your reaction is very close to mine. Logically, I see no problem with my bf masturbating: It helps him with stress, sometimes he just wants to "rub one out", I'm not always around or may be busy, the list of benefits/legitimate reasons goes on. But for some reason, I can't get over the anxiety it causes me. I have this weird combination of being incredibly turned on by him masturbating, not being able to get the thought of it out of my head every time he goes into the bathroom, and being frustrated when I do get turned on by it that he's not doing anything with me (and that I can't just "rub one out" in private as easily as he can). The last two are incredibly juvenile, I know. I don't even know why I feel that way. I don't know why I obsess over it. It's like the few times I have walked in on him doing it are burned into my head. So all this frustration gets jumbled with my libido, creating a cocktail of anxiety mixed with being turned on that feels incredibly awful about something that's completely normal and not a problem at all. I sincerely wish I could just be ok with it, but no matter how many times I tell myself it isn't a problem, something in me just wants to be a bitch about it. I mostly keep it to myself, but it's one of the things that can drag me down at any given moment. 14 agree Reply I have this exact same issue and it's really taken a toll on my relationship. I know he wakes up aroused and when I'm still asleep he looks at porn on his phone and goes to rub one out and every part of me wants to be comfortable with that. There's an element to it that makes it feel sneaky, but I don't know what I expect from him. I get so turned on by the idea while dealing with the same anxiety and they just feed off of each other and it makes me crazy. I could really see myself with him but I can't keep this cycle going everytime either one of us gets turned on and aren't up for sex. I believe a lot of it is stemmed from my own insecurities. He likes porn and it's something I've never been that into because it's so male centric. I'd be able to understand better if there were sites for straight women with straight male model but there just isn't so how I can really relate? I try to remain calm and respect our differences but more often than not I just get frustrated. He's been so understanding and accommodating. Next time I'm going to try to breathe slowly and think of all the great parts of our relationship and try to let it pass and not dwell on these thoughts. If you have made any progress please reply because I'm at a loss. 1 agrees Reply I posted this below in response to the main article, but figured I'd toss it here in response to you as well, just so that you see it. It's been a while since I checked back in here. Got lost in the shuffle of emails and notifications I suppose. This is still something of an issue for me, and I was wondering how you were doing with it. I think I've made some progress, but I feel a bit like I've regressed some. Sometimes the frustration is strong. Sometimes it's there and I'm able to get through it. However, I still always struggle. My partner and I have had a lot of conversations about it. Thankfully he is typically able to be open-minded and not take it personally. He knows that it's my issue, and he knows that I know it's my issue and that I'm not trying to control him. Just recently he decided that, until I get this anxiety of mine figured out (I promised that I'll start seeing a sex therapist), he's going to stop masturbating. His thoughts on it are that if I'm not anxious about obsessing over whether or not he's masturbated in a given day (I seriously have this weird sixth sense about it and seem to know whenever he's done it), I'll be able to think more clearly about why I have a seemingly instinctual issue with it. Thus far it's been working. I'm still looking for a therapist, but I'm keeping my promise. Some things about my hangups I've figured out on my own that other folks who have the same issue may find helpful: **Conservative Christian upbringing** I grew up in a Christian household. Sex and masturbation were taboo subjects. There was the very clear understanding that one was not to have sex before marriage. Masturbation was foul and sinful. This was driven home by parents, siblings, church leaders, youth group, and the general culture I was exposed to. We did not have internet until I was 14, and so I was easily sheltered. All my education about sex came either from church, public school sex ed, and general conversation in school or snippets here and there from adults around me. Needless to say, this mash-up of ideas and input created a bizarre and destructive idea of sexuality in me from a very young age. The problem I faced was that I have a very powerful sex drive. I'm not entirely sure what the statistic is for when people discover self pleasure and orgasm. I recall masturbating from a very young age, as young as five, though it could go back earlier than that. I only remember that age due to the fact that an elder sibling caught me in the act then. I learned how to masturbate with my clothes on, so I don't think he knew what I was doing, but I distinctly remember the terror and embarrassment I felt at being discovered. At that point I didn't know what sex was. My "fantasies" didn't even involve sexual acts. I look back at them and wonder how I was even turned on, but the brain is a fickle thing. And for some reason I always felt like what I was doing–even before anyone told me what masturbation was and that I shouldn't do it–was very very wrong. I can chalk a lot of it up to being an empath. Even as a child I could draw in the emotions of others without realizing it, and it's likely experiences like where I was discovered and sensed the uncertainty of another caused me to fear what I was doing in a way. Whatever the case, when I began to understand what sex was and began to be aroused by it, that was when the real guilt set in. I was never taught that it was important to develop a sexual identity. I was never told that it was ok to explore my sexual thoughts and feelings. The public school sex ed I experienced really only served to scare kids and young adults into not having sex for fear of pregnancy or STIs. And masturbation was hardly even covered. In church and in my family, everything I was taught was to practice abstinence until married. And don't you dare touch yourself, because that's sinful and lustful and God is always watching. As a person with a very high sex drive, it was pure torture at times not to masturbate. When I did, I felt intensely guilty and would immediately repent and promise God I'd never do it again. I thought I had a problem because I felt the desire to masturbate every day, multiple times a day. I thought I had an addiction and that I was messed up and perverted. I congratulated myself if I went more than a week without masturbating. One time I think I made it a month. I was miserable. I wanted to have sex so badly. It became an obsession, some tangled wiring in my brain that is still there to some extent where sex barrels into my thoughts at least every half hour even now in my late twenties. Such a psychosis about sex and relationships had been created in me that I was terrified to be in a relationship for fear of having sex and getting pregnant or contracting an STI. Just as terrifying was the shame of my parents finding out or my peers calling me a slut for my thoughts and actions. I did not think I could control myself if I came to be in a relationship with someone. And so masturbation became my sole sexual outlet, however guilty I felt about it. It became the thing I miserably did when I wanted to have sex, which was frequently. This type of interaction with masturbation and sex lasted well into my early twenties. It was shaped into something unsurprisingly more twisted and unhealthy as I matured and interacted with even more conservative Christian beliefs. Fast forward to the present. I am in my late twenties. I am no longer a Christian. I am happily sexually active with my partner of 2 years. My sex drive is higher than his, though we usually manage to work things out well enough. I have been diagnosed with several endocrine disorders that affect mood and behavior causing symptoms of anxiety, OCD, depression, and ADD. This has a heavy impact on my behavior and anxiety related to sex and masturbation, and I struggle daily with issues brought on by my upbringing. Thankfully my partner is very supportive and is willing to work with me through what I am dealing with. I masturbate infrequently. Though I don't consciously think of it as a dirty thing any longer, I know the idea of it being there is still in my mind, shaping my attitudes and feelings. I feel as though it's a sneaky, selfish thing to do despite all that I tell myself it isn't. It still holds a very strong stigma of the thing that I do when I want to have sex very very badly. It is extremely rare that I just want to masturbate. If I'm turned on enough to masturbate, I damn well am going to want to have sex, not "settle" for masturbating. I don't think this is a healthy mindset. Especially because I project it onto him. When he masturbates, I ask myself why can't he just have sex with me? If he's so turned on, why masturbate? I'm usually around when he does it. It seems the lesser of the options because I can honestly say I am always ready to have sex. Or at least why can't he masturbate with me there so I can experience it and use it to get off myself? I get incredibly turned on by just thinking of it. The moment I think of him masturbating, the entire scene plays into my mind. I almost project myself into him and his body. Feeling what he's feeling, seeing what he's seeing, thinking what he's thinking. I desire so strongly to /be him/ in that moment. To experience it all from his mind and body. And so when I know he has masturbated, whether because I found out (I'm about 90% with knowing when he's done it despite lack of physical evidence; usually if I suspect I ask just to confirm so I don't go crazy wondering) or he told me, I struggle massively with an avalanche of conflicting thoughts and emotions that range from anger to guilt to arousal to disgust to anxiety to abandonment. I am angry because he did something on his own without me when I would have been perfectly willing to be involved. I am guilty because I know I should be ok with it but don't know how to be. I am aroused because my imagination immediately runs wild with images of him doing it as well as thinking about his experience of it and his arousal. I am disgusted because that's what I was taught to think about masturbation, and despite no longer holding those beliefs, their echoes still haunt me. I am anxious because I don't know exactly what he did; I don't know what he watched, how he did it, how long it took, how he felt, how strong his orgasm was, what it looked like, etc; I didn't have any experience of it and so am anxious about it. And I feel abandoned because I wonder if there is something wrong with me that he would choose to masturbate to pornography or fantasies over having sex with me. I believe all these feelings are legitimate in that I am having and experiencing them. However, I don't believe all are healthy, and I try my damndest not to react to them. I will talk to him about them, but I do my best not to control his actions due to my own issues and insecurities. All this and much more is why I am seeing a sex therapist as soon as I find one in my area who is decent. Because I would really really like to have a healthy relationship with my sexuality. I think being ok with my partner masturbating starts with being more secure in myself and my sexuality. For anyone who got to the end of my post, I congratulate you and hope I didn't bore you too much. Any thoughts or suggestions? 8 agree I hate to play Devils advocate here, but I have recently been doing some heavy research into relationship problems, and read about the possibility that flying solo whilst in a long term relationship can actually be detrimental. I was incredibly surprised. In my marriage we had the same policy as most of you here and I've never had a problem with it. But… then my marriage didn't last either!!! Since then I've been working on finding out why so I don't make the same mistakes with my current boyfriend. Apparently this could have contributed. (Ok I know it DID contribute, heavily) I don't yet know enough to give you a good insight, but if you are interested I can suggest you look in to the work of Mark Gungor, or the No Fap community on Reddit, or yourbrainonporn.com 5 agree Reply I have recently been doing some heavy research into relationship problems, and read about the possibility that flying solo whilst in a long term relationship can actually be detrimental. Can you provide some links to the research that supports this? From my personal experiences, I strongly disagree — but I'd be curious to see research on the subject. I will say that for me personally, I feel that emotional self-reliance is hugely important in my relationship, and that sexual self-reliance is an integral component of that. While shared intimacy is of course a top priority, I hugely value time to be intimate with my own body. 25 agree Reply I'm on my phone which makes linking difficult but the people and websites I mentioned in my earlier posts talk about it and there are links to the research. The youbrainonporn.com website is what led my ex husband to realize it was causing us problems, and it is to do with the "disconnect" Eleigh mentioned. Doing a search for Mark Gungor – Yo Mama on YouTube will lead to a seminar that explains the effect in the context of marriage. It should be mentioned that he's a Pastor, and as an Atheist I must admit I would not have taken his word for gospel (haha) had I not already read the research via the other website and the anbectodal evidence from the reddit /nofap community. 3 agree Reply I think the issue is not masturbation itself but the frequent consumption of internet porn that causes the disconnect. In Sex for Dummies (by Dr. Ruth) and The Guide to Getting it On (used as a sex ed book in college classrooms) they mention that folks with a very good sex life masturbate regularly. WebMD: "Some experts suggest that masturbation can actually improve sexual health and relationships. By exploring your own body through masturbation, you can determine what is erotically pleasing to you and can share this with your partner. Some partners use mutual masturbation to discover techniques for a more satisfying sexual relationship and to add to their mutual intimacy." 8 agree Reply It looks like the fear of the unknown is a common factor with several comments. If every time you feel you need a release, men and woman, you do it in front of them, yes every time, eventually the fear of the unknown will dissolve. Eventually you will get tired of seeing it or feeling you need to be there to be a part of it. 1 agrees i know this is old, but learning about what women think is okay. sort have asked a few here on this thread and looking to take a toll. i know you think alone time is good for both in relationship, but I rather not hid it…meaning if i'm watching a movie and wife comes in i'm not going to change window….sometimes I do, but not all the time in hopes she will watch with me. what are your thoughts? 1 agrees Reply Fate, I appreciate you bringing up an alternative viewpoint. I think that it really depends on the relationship dynamic of the people involved, as well as each individual's sex drive and stamina. I know that for us, self-lovin' only happens when one of us is traveling without the other (such as on a business trip) or if one of us (usually me) is ill for an extended period of time. And we totally tell each other that it happened, get hot talking about when we'll be together again, and often try to rub one out on the same day. (I should also mention that we do this without pornographic materials. While we each have our own feelings about it, we've found that introducing pornography into our lives changes the way we interact with each other, as well as with other people, in a negative way.) But when we're both present and available in our day to day lives, we don't masturbate. For us personally, we've found that frequent or unequal masturbation gets us off-cycle and we're less connected when we do have sex. I suppose we're lucky that our personal sexual needs are similar. Sometimes one of us will want it more often, but waiting until we can have sex is more satisfying and keeps the mysterious out-of-sync tension and discord from popping up in assorted aspects of our lives. It's weird, but when there's a sexual disconnect, we find ourselves at odds in all sorts of other way (sleep and eating patterns diverging, feeling more extroverted or introverted, experiencing more misunderstandings, getting easily annoyed or frustrated with the other, etc). Getting back on the same page sexually is the quickest and most thorough fix. Since we've started trying to have a baby, this has been even more true. It's as if our sexual rhythm is the metronome of our marriage: if I tick when he tocks, the discord reverberates through all aspects of our relationship. Once we're back in sync, everything is harmonious. (And if something non-sexual knocks us off-kilter, after practical concerns are out of the way, sex is the best way to heal it and start feeling like "us" again). 13 agree Reply This makes me think of that saying: When sex is good, it counts for 10% of the relationship- when it is bad it counts for 90% 17 agree Reply I TOTALLY agree with a little "self love", lol. I have a very high sex drive, which has been a bit knocked off kilter by being on antidepressants. I just recently began dating a new guy and so we are just beginning to explore each other. I am very open with my sexual habits, what I like, what I'm willing to do, what makes me uncomfortable….you know. He is not QUITE as forthcoming, but the potential is definitely there. I make no secret of how much I masturbate. When I am not in a relationship, I do NOT have casual sex. Its a turn off to me. I need that "connect". So when it becomes an issue of needing a release, I just look after it myself. I need the visual stimulation though, so a nice bit of quiet time with me and a little porn is ideal for me…..I'm kind of kinky and I do enjoy watching porn….lol. The bf knows i do it…..we just haven't gotten comfortable enough yet to watch together. He DOES, however, love to watch me touch myself….it turns him on. I just rubbed one out this morning(two, actually, lol!!)and aside from wanting to nap now(gotta get ready for work tho…sigh)I feel great. I even texted him and told him. MMmmmmm. Gives him something to think about til we see each other. And I look at it this way…….at least when I need it, I'm taking care of business if he can't be there….and not seeking someone else out to scratch that itch!!!!! Reply Yes I agree in a perfect world this would be the ultimate relationship. I would not need to fanaticize about my Fireman coming to save me and he would not need to look at his porn. We learn how to deal with life the best that we can. Some issues are not worth stressing over and some need to be rubbed out. Reply If it's at the *expense* of partner-time I wouldn't be surprised if it was damaging. I'm sure that what we're talking about here is with the caveat that it should be healthy; people choose not to masturbate for other reasons too, such as previous sexual abuse (it's possible to self-harm through masturbation, both physically and mentally, and some people find cold turkey on the whole thing is the easiest way to stop that), or having become dependent on porn to get off in the past (I mean really, really dependent; sub "addicted to" for that if you prefer). Not all wanks are created equal :). It's a great atmosphere in this thread, lots of acknowledgement that people have different experiences, no saying "everyone must masturbate" or that no-one should. Offbeat Empire rules. 4 agree Reply I love this. My fiancee and I both get off on our own, he does it more then me. Its just a thing that he does and I don't care. I kind of find it hot, to be honest. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love me or doesn't love our sex life – he finds it to be a completely separate thing. And I still feel the need to get off alone when he's not home or sometimes even when he is. Doesn't mean I don't love him or our sex life – sometimes just a girl needs to get off on her own. 😉 5 agree Reply Here's my problem though: I HAVE to hide the fact that I masturbate from my husband because he has a crazy high libido and if he even THOUGHT that my hand was getting CLOSE to my vagina, he'd come bursting in through the door, erection at the ready. He thinks it's hot so I can't do it without being manhandled. 7 agree Reply Would you both be amendable to him masturbating in the corner while you do it? I realize that makes it no longer flying 100% solo, but it might be a nice middle ground wherein you don't feel like you have to hide and where he knows to respect that you're not interested in being groped. You don't have to call him in every time you get ready to get down with yourself, but just have a standing policy that if he realizes you're masturbating and finds himself frisky that he's more than welcome to relieve himself, but that he's not to bother you unless you invite him over. I've found it exceptionally liberating to have a standing policy that if I'm masturbating, it's because I'm not interested in a bunch of sexual contact. If I get bugged by my dude when I'm not in the mood for touchy stuff (even if I'm masturbating), I'm totally turned off and done with it. But if he respects my space, it's actually kinda hot and I usually DO invite him over. Oh, silly Brain. Anyway, just an idea for you or anyone else who has this issue and wants to change up the dynamic. If how you're handling it now is working for you, that's totally awesome, too! 19 agree Reply My guy "rubs one out" at least once a day, maybe twice. And our sex life is amazing. It's also nice to know if I don't finish with him, I can count on him to caress my back while I'm helping myself. I have watched him, and it turns me on so bad! We also have 3 kids collectively, so sometimes alone time is neccessary for our sanity! I was raised in a house where it was thought that masturbation was a dirty sin, so it took awhile to get comfortable with knowing that I needed to, but I was always kind of a rebel! 🙂 7 agree Reply Of course we allow solo play! Often if one of us is having trouble sleeping we'll do it – it's not a desire for sex, it's just a desire for sleep that that solves handily (so to speak.) If I had to have sex with my fiance every time I wanted an orgasm I'd never have time for anything else. I don't even see the desire to masturbate at the desire to have sex as the same thing. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. ;D 8 agree Reply I have a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend. But if i go to bed before him he grabs his chance to rub one out. It bother's me deeply because I know I am right in the other room! This morning I walked in the bedroom (Door was Closed) to find him touching himself and he rushed to hide it. When I ask him or catch him he denies it and turns the table on me. Yes I do watch porn because my libido is not like his and Im trying to catch up. I just don't get it. The other thing too is when we do have sex he does last a long time. But when we have in the past watch porn he is like a minute man…What gives…I am at a point in my relationship where i am about to leave. Some input would help me a lot. 1 agrees Reply Probably time to leave, no good relationship has denial in it. Reply Could we have a follow up post or discussion about accepting the fact that your partner masturbates? Because this has been the main issue between my husband and I. I masturbate maybe twice a week, and he does at least once a day. The issue comes in when I feel like he chooses to masturbate instead of having sex – like when he's been at home alone most of the day, but still chooses to do it after I get home from work and am in the shower. It's not that our sex life is bad – it's great! But I know I need to work on loving myself and realizing that he doesn't love the women in the porn he watches – it's a means to and end. And I think it'll work better for us if he does it when I'm not around (not a rare thing, as I have a full-time job and he's currently unemployed). The reason I post this here is because when I've searched around for advice online, most of the advice I see is that masturbation is BAD, BAD thing and neither of us should do it at all. I'm more in the viewpoint that we should do it – but never INSTEAD of enjoying each other. And I think that the people here will be more understanding of that. 3 agree Reply I think that sounds 100% reasonable. All you can do is talk to your husband about it though. nothing anyone here can say to you will make him understand your feelings on the matter, nor you his. 1 agrees Reply Its been a while since I visited this site, lemme say this post was a great first time back read! Echoing what most of you have said, I think masturbation is normal in a relationship. While I definitely enjoy handling business on my own, my last partner and I used to masturbate together. Sometimes just to mix things up, other times because we were just to tired to do much but wanted sexual release. Reply Awesome post. I have a higher libido than my boyfriend, especially when work is causing him issues. Plus hes only home 4-8 days a month (hes a trucker) so I get REALLY used to taking matters into my own hands. So when work is really stressful for him and hes not feeling it, even when he is home, I still go to town on my ladybits. Also, hes of the camp "just-because-I'm-not-feeling-it-doesn't-mean-you-should-go-without-because-I-love-you" and he'll help. Nine times out of ten, it really is just helping, considering I'm a weirdo that gets off easier when someone else does the work. He just adds it to the "you owe me" list, which is probably a mile long now. So I know if there is ever a time I'm not feeling it, I'll give him a hand. Literally. 4 agree Reply would you mind if he watched an erotic movie or and touched himself /mast. while watching….in bed if you were not in the mood? I'm just asking some women here to find how they feel. Reply My husband (idk y) doesn't like for me to masturbate. And well I love it. I ask him how come he doesn't do it and he doesn't really give me a straight forward answer. So anyways everytime he's not home i masturbate. What i think sucks is that I'm doing it behind his back bcuz i know he doesn't like me doing it. He sats "no,stop it's mine" everytime i touch myself in front of him. So I'm like if u don't want me to do it then u do it for me. But most of ALL the time he's too tired. Which is exactly why I wait til he's asleep to go at it& even though we just had sex i always get an orgasm when i finish myself. And eventually I've realized that when he does do it for me i don't like it as much. I'd rather masturbate. I really wish there was something that would change his mind so i don't have to feel so guilty all the time. 1 agrees Reply It is nice that you touch yourself in front of him. I think it is a nice way to turn your guy on. I think a lot of guys would like their wife do this from time to time when in the mood. I think it can help make a relationship (and those in it) have sex more on the brain if maybe they are not hiding and open to do it in front of each other/not hiding it…in a sense its an invite. anyone agree? Reply It has been known to happen that I have (after 5 years of living together) gotten off right next to him while he's doing homework, just to be a distracting pain in the butt. 😉 Sex is not taken very seriously at my house; we believe it is a way for us to be close, but not that we have to be dead serious about it, so we are very open and honest and sometimes very blatantly obvious about the fact we just wanna rub one out. No hurt feelings. And hell, most of the time it just starts up a hot, steamy sexcapade all on it's own. 😀 1 agrees Reply So as a guy married in house for almost 6 years, sometimes I want to start things off and see if she is in the mood by some cheesy erotic soft core movie. sometiems she is not in the mood… Do you think its okay for hubby to keep watching or if she wants sleep for you to continue to watch which may lead to rubbing one off… just have asked some girls here for their opinion…Not sure if i can set the tone of how things are in the house, but I think its better than hiddign to do it…being sneaky or pretending I don't enjoy. Reply My husband and I, since the very beginning of our relationship masturbated. and we do it together. Most of the time at least. It takes a lot of courage first but then its ok, it gets normal. It also needs the understanding of the other person, that might not be in the mood at that exact moment, but like everything, talking is the key. we mostly tell each other we feel like it, we also feel free to leave the room and / or ask the other person to leave the room to be in private. Or when we have been apart, we keep bragging about how generously we came. I think masturbating is a big part of your loving relationship and I honestly love every part of it! 1 agrees Reply Do you mind if he watches a video or helps himself if you are not in the mood? I'm trying to figure this out and found this post and thought to ask some other women. It is a turn on if my wife will watch with me and she has, but much less often in the mood then me. just would like your thoughts…should I leave the room or change what I'm watching or be honest and offer invite to join, and if she is not into it…then stop or continue? Reply James, the people who have commented on this post are not the ones you should be asking – you need to ask your wife what SHE would rather you do, if SHE is comfortable with you watching porn while she is in the room. And it is good to keep in mind that the answer might depend on the day and might change over time. Sometimes she might want to join in, sometimes she might be fine with you going it alone with her in the room, sometimes she might want you to go to another area. Or she might have a firm answer one way or the other. It might be wise to bring it up when you are not experiencing an immediate urge to do it so that you have a clear head and can actively listen to what she says. It's going to be up to the two of you to work out an arrangement that takes BOTH of your comfort levels and needs into account. 4 agree Reply Thanks so much for your reply and your time. I think you said some really good and thoughful things, and I agree about how the answer may change on the day and the time….i've seen that already. I'd still like to hear from some other women and their take on this, before and if, I bring this up to my wife, or continue to try and be transparent about it. My own mood /desires seem to go like a cycle like most people, I have to maybe wait and see when she is in sync more with me before I ask. But I think I would only ask or sort of push the envelope when big head isn't thinking. Otherwise, I just feel it's dumb and I should be in my man cave . I'm just not sure and my mind changes if I should be transparent about it. I don't want to be the guy in his man cave. I hope this makes some sense. Reply I am having such a tough time with this topic in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year, and he used to be really into porn, he would admit to being somewhat addicted to it. After going to his house and catching him jerking it, even though he knew I was coming over I started to get strange feelings about it. It's my first relationship and I've never been so intimate with someone that I knew their masturbation habits. I know it would be odd to ask your boyfriend not to masturbate that's how I know I need to get out of this frame of mind. I just feel like its something gross and distasteful he likes to do and keep to himself. That should be okay, why do I feel like he does something bad when he masturbates???? Our sex life is a cause of stress in our relationship sometimes. Also, when he introduces sex to me, and I find out he already masturbated earlier that day, I get so turned off, I don't want to have sex anymore. I honestly feel like he should wait. I know that I'm being irrational, how do I overcome this? A psychiatrist? Reply As far as masturbating seeming gross and distasteful – it could just be that you've internalized that view because it's frowned on by the surrounding culture/community. Do you masturbate yourself? Maybe take a look at your feelings about your own masturbation habits or lack thereof and see how they relate or contrast to your feelings about your boyfriend's masturbation. Is it masturbation itself that bothers you? or specifically how it interacts with your relationship? I've had similar feelings in the past about my now-husband's masturbation in relation to our sex life as a whole. I would feel let down or hurt that he spent that time and sexual energy on porn instead of on me. Don't be too hard on yourself for those feelings! But in terms of working through them – maybe try to figure out what aspects of it are such a turn-off for you, what emotions it prompts for you. In my case, it was jealousy and insecurity. I was unhappy that he didn't spend that time on me, and I worried that he would find me less attractive in comparison to the porn. But I started to realize that these feelings didn't match the reality of what was going on. He was still getting just as turned on by me, and when he had masturbated relatively recently it actually improved our sexual encounters because he could last longer and focus on my needs a little more. Thinking through and observing what I was feeling and experiencing helped me get to a better place with this issue, but it was also important that I was able to talk to my guy and explain what I was feeling and get his help figuring out why. In our case, his patterns didn't change much, but it felt good to know that he understood my viewpoint and wanted to make sure I was happy and was having my needs met. And I do think that this is a partnership issue; it shouldn't be solely up to you to adjust things. I would say it's worth considering couples therapy, since you say your sex life is a source of stress, or going by yourself if he's not open to it. Sorry for the super long reply but hopefully it's at least a little bit helpful! Reply I just wish society would get over the 'sex is evil' thing. I get the concerns with port but that's a whole other ball game. Sex between people is something natural, it feels good and masturbation is just an extension of that. My husband taught me how to masturbate effectively (it hurts being penetrated sometimes so I don't like toys – I don't even use tampons) and to not be ashamed of it. We've been together nearly 7 years and are recently married. If we break up I doubt it'll be due to masturbation but I'll be sure to let you know 😉 One addendum, we don't watch porn, he has a picture collection and I use my imagination but I do read books with sex scenes, more kelley Armstrong than 50 shades. We're not anti-hero, it justs too false and doesn't work for us. 1 agrees Reply My husband is masturbating alot, I wasn't really happy at first so I wanted to try some thing. I caught him one after noon in bed laying there playing with himself, I came in got undressed and got on the bed and joined him. He was at the point of coming first so I reached over to help him out but went down on him and sucked his come out of him, he went crazy and the load was huge. He then went down on me and I never climaxed in my life but it was wonderful. That some how broke the ice and now we try all kinds of positions, toys, maybe act out a fantasy. It's so much more fun now, Reply It's been a while since I checked back in here. Got lost in the shuffle of emails and notifications I suppose. This is still something of an issue for me. I think I've made some progress, but I feel a bit like I've regressed some. Sometimes the frustration is strong. Sometimes it's there and I'm able to get through it. However, I still always struggle. My partner and I have had a lot of conversations about it. Thankfully he is typically able to be open-minded and not take it personally. He knows that it's my issue, and he knows that I know it's my issue and that I'm not trying to control him. Just recently he decided that, until I get this anxiety of mine figured out (I promised that I'll start seeing a sex therapist), he's going to stop masturbating. His thoughts on it are that if I'm not anxious about obsessing over whether or not he's masturbated in a given day (I seriously have this weird sixth sense about it and seem to know whenever he's done it), I'll be able to think more clearly about why I have a seemingly instinctual issue with it. Thus far it's been working. I'm still looking for a therapist, but I'm keeping my promise. Some things about my hangups I've figured out on my own that other folks who have the same issue may find helpful: **Conservative Christian upbringing** I grew up in a Christian household. Sex and masturbation were taboo subjects. There was the very clear understanding that one was not to have sex before marriage. Masturbation was foul and sinful. This was driven home by parents, siblings, church leaders, youth group, and the general culture I was exposed to. We did not have internet until I was 14, and so I was easily sheltered. All my education about sex came either from church, public school sex ed, and general conversation in school or snippets here and there from adults around me. Needless to say, this mash-up of ideas and input created a bizarre and destructive idea of sexuality in me from a very young age. The problem I faced was that I have a very powerful sex drive. I'm not entirely sure what the statistic is for when people discover self pleasure and orgasm. I recall masturbating from a very young age, as young as five, though it could go back earlier than that. I only remember that age due to the fact that an elder sibling caught me in the act then. I learned how to masturbate with my clothes on, so I don't think he knew what I was doing, but I distinctly remember the terror and embarrassment I felt at being discovered. At that point I didn't know what sex was. My "fantasies" didn't even involve sexual acts. I look back at them and wonder how I was even turned on, but the brain is a fickle thing. And for some reason I always felt like what I was doing–even before anyone told me what masturbation was and that I shouldn't do it–was very very wrong. I can chalk a lot of it up to being an empath. Even as a child I could draw in the emotions of others without realizing it, and it's likely experiences like where I was discovered and sensed the uncertainty of another caused me to fear what I was doing in a way. Whatever the case, when I began to understand what sex was and began to be aroused by it, that was when the real guilt set in. I was never taught that it was important to develop a sexual identity. I was never told that it was ok to explore my sexual thoughts and feelings. The public school sex ed I experienced really only served to scare kids and young adults into not having sex for fear of pregnancy or STIs. And masturbation was hardly even covered. In church and in my family, everything I was taught was to practice abstinence until married. And don't you dare touch yourself, because that's sinful and lustful and God is always watching. As a person with a very high sex drive, it was pure torture at times not to masturbate. When I did, I felt intensely guilty and would immediately repent and promise God I'd never do it again. I thought I had a problem because I felt the desire to masturbate every day, multiple times a day. I thought I had an addiction and that I was messed up and perverted. I congratulated myself if I went more than a week without masturbating. One time I think I made it a month. I was miserable. I wanted to have sex so badly. It became an obsession, some tangled wiring in my brain that is still there to some extent where sex barrels into my thoughts at least every half hour even now in my late twenties. Such a psychosis about sex and relationships had been created in me that I was terrified to be in a relationship for fear of having sex and getting pregnant or contracting an STI. Just as terrifying was the shame of my parents finding out or my peers calling me a slut for my thoughts and actions. I did not think I could control myself if I came to be in a relationship with someone. And so masturbation became my sole sexual outlet, however guilty I felt about it. It became the thing I miserably did when I wanted to have sex, which was frequently. This type of interaction with masturbation and sex lasted well into my early twenties. It was shaped into something unsurprisingly more twisted and unhealthy as I matured and interacted with even more conservative Christian beliefs. Fast forward to the present. I am in my late twenties. I am no longer a Christian. I am happily sexually active with my partner of 2 years. My sex drive is higher than his, though we usually manage to work things out well enough. I have been diagnosed with several endocrine disorders that affect mood and behavior causing symptoms of anxiety, OCD, depression, and ADD. This has a heavy impact on my behavior and anxiety related to sex and masturbation, and I struggle daily with issues brought on by my upbringing. Thankfully my partner is very supportive and is willing to work with me through what I am dealing with. I masturbate infrequently. Though I don't consciously think of it as a dirty thing any longer, I know the idea of it being there is still in my mind, shaping my attitudes and feelings. I feel as though it's a sneaky, selfish thing to do despite all that I tell myself it isn't. It still holds a very strong stigma of the thing that I do when I want to have sex very very badly. It is extremely rare that I just want to masturbate. If I'm turned on enough to masturbate, I damn well am going to want to have sex, not "settle" for masturbating. I don't think this is a healthy mindset. Especially because I project it onto him. When he masturbates, I ask myself why can't he just have sex with me? If he's so turned on, why masturbate? I'm usually around when he does it. It seems the lesser of the options because I can honestly say I am always ready to have sex. Or at least why can't he masturbate with me there so I can experience it and use it to get off myself? I get incredibly turned on by just thinking of it. The moment I think of him masturbating, the entire scene plays into my mind. I almost project myself into him and his body. Feeling what he's feeling, seeing what he's seeing, thinking what he's thinking. I desire so strongly to /be him/ in that moment. To experience it all from his mind and body. And so when I know he has masturbated, whether because I found out (I'm about 90% with knowing when he's done it despite lack of physical evidence; usually if I suspect I ask just to confirm so I don't go crazy wondering) or he told me, I struggle massively with an avalanche of conflicting thoughts and emotions that range from anger to guilt to arousal to disgust to anxiety to abandonment. I am angry because he did something on his own without me when I would have been perfectly willing to be involved. I am guilty because I know I should be ok with it but don't know how to be. I am aroused because my imagination immediately runs wild with images of him doing it as well as thinking about his experience of it and his arousal. I am disgusted because that's what I was taught to think about masturbation, and despite no longer holding those beliefs, their echoes still haunt me. I am anxious because I don't know exactly what he did; I don't know what he watched, how he did it, how long it took, how he felt, how strong his orgasm was, what it looked like, etc; I didn't have any experience of it and so am anxious about it. And I feel abandoned because I wonder if there is something wrong with me that he would choose to masturbate to pornography or fantasies over having sex with me. I believe all these feelings are legitimate in that I am having and experiencing them. However, I don't believe all are healthy, and I try my damndest not to react to them. I will talk to him about them, but I do my best not to control his actions due to my own issues and insecurities. All this and much more is why I am seeing a sex therapist as soon as I find one in my area who is decent. Because I would really really like to have a healthy relationship with my sexuality. I think being ok with my partner masturbating starts with being more secure in myself and my sexuality. For anyone who got to the end of my post, I congratulate you and hope I didn't bore you too much. Any thoughts or suggestions? 1 agrees Reply I'm very glad to hear that your partner is cooperative, and I'm sure that addressing your generalized anxiety, OCD, and depression will help everything. However, I feel like there is an instinct that women have against male masturbation that is at the root of your issue. I've read many posts on the Internet about women, many of whom masturbate themselves, who find themselves with irrational upset and anger when their partners do it. It makes sense that those women who convinced their men not to do it might have slightly more offspring, so it seems to be the sort of thing that could evolve. Also, a lot of the ancient traditions (Judaism, Tantra, Chinese medicine) warned against wasting sperm that way, so there could be something to it. I myself was lucky enough to have many of my first girlfriends be honest enough with me about their own feelings on the matter, instead of being secretly resentful. And I ended up stopping for them, which improved our sex lives quite a bit, since male capacities are limited, and the more we do ourselves, the less energy we have for our women. Most women are the opposite, the more they do on their own, the more energy to have for their partners. Reply Thanks for your response. I appreciate your view on it. It's interesting how you mention that you noticed an improvement in your sex life when you stopped masturbating. I have heard both this and the opposite from men. Some men (and some studies) say that masturbation /helps/ with their sex lives. What I tend to notice with my partner is that he seems to be more engaged when he hasn't been masturbating. His energy is stronger and more vibrant, he is more intense and involved. When he has masturbated, he does not have as much energy or even interest. He will just do things "for me", as he says, but what it boils down to is I also feel less engaged because he is less engaged in his own pleasure, as he has already sated himself. And this is one of the things that frustrates me. If I want to have sex and have it be /good/ sex, I don't want his solo act to be getting in the way of it. And it has on multiple occasions. It's quite complicated, really. And I'm sure there isn't an across-the-board way that it works for people. Everyone is quite different in their sexuality. And now that you mention it, yes, I do have a major frustration with the fact that I'm not involved or "using" his semen. Which is really weird due to the fact that I don't want to have children. I admit that I do have something of a cum fetish, so that could be involved in it, too. But yeah, there's definitely something there with being frustrated it's "going to waste" even though I wasn't going to use it anyways. And the rabbit hole goes deeper… 2 agree Reply I have never heard any male report that masturbation increases their sexual energy, or helps with their sex life. Only the opposite. And in fact, there are a growing number of young men who are discovering that avoiding masturbation gives them what they call “superpowers”, increased mental clarity and social confidence. Check out https://www.reddit.com/r/nofap Now I've never had a problem with a social phobia like a lot of those fellows, but I absolutely have experienced the vibrancy you mentioned about your boyfriend. With regard to the instinct about wasting semen, I found the following quote from a sex researcher, which you can probably relate to: “I know I'm in the minority here, but in my mind it's like nursing a baby–it's okay for the baby to suck on a pacifier, unless of course the woman is having a hard time getting her milk supply up to speed, but no woman is going to just throw away her breast milk–that milk is for the baby. Men's bodies have to work just as hard to produce sperm, and I'm pretty damn sure that women's bodies are made to need it on some level, and not just two or three times in a woman's lifetime to get pregnant. So I know it's irrational, but on some animal level my body is saying, "Don't just throw it away, that sperm belongs to ME!" Frightful double standard, but there you are.” Reply Of course he has energy! The same energy I have when I need a release. That stored up energy is stressful all by itself. If no men masturbated then women everywhere would have bigger issues. They would be out of control and we would have to fight them off more than we do now. If you show him you really need his sperm then suck it dry every chance you get and don’t waste it by spitting it out. If you think he is done Cuming keep sucking. Make him squirm! Reassure him that he will live and don’t stop, it will be the best BJ he ever had. He will remember you for rest of his life. I don't know if anyone else has this problem. But I suffer major anxiety once I start emotionally investing in a relationship. I had bad experiences in the past where I woke up in the middle of the night and caught exes watching porn and masturbating even though we took care of each other frequently. Over the years and as relationships have come and gone the problem has gotten more severe. With my last relationship my partner was self concious about not being able to last long so over the years sex became intermittent to maybe once every 3 weeks. So I had a problem when he took care of himself but didn't want to be with me. He had the same problem with his ex as well and neither of us were not good looking…that wasn't the issue. So for ages I would suspect him of doing it in secret and he was very good at hiding his behavior. Now in my new relationship I have the same bloody issue. We have huge chemistry and we are great in bed and we still have sex about 3 times a week. But my anxiety has gotten so out of control that I don't want to leave him alone in case he does masturbate. I know its a problem and I hear allot of you talking about how calm and happy you are with it. But I can't seem to get better – I've gone to counseling/ didn't work. Am on antidepressants, doesn't work. I don't go out anymore. And hes getting sick of it. He gave up porn for me. But even so the thought of him taking care of himself feels like a massive betrayal to me. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever gone through this but I'm not sure what to do and I really feel like I'm at wits end. 🙁 2 agree Reply I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship where my s/o masturbated and then couldn't get an erection when I wanted to have sex. He did it mostly secretly and lied about it. I have a very high sex drive. Now I'm engaged to another man and we have sex a lot, 6 + times a week. Well he is having to work 4 nights in a row, which means we won't be able to be intimate with each other. He says he is going to need relief that he can't go 4 nights, I find this very irritating and I feel betrayed, like why can't he wait it's not my fault he has to work. Yet, I feel like it's ok for me to masturbate, yet based on history with my previous relationship it can cause negative effects if he does it. I don't know how to get past this, he says it's not fair because he doesn't care if I do but I care if he does. I don't know how to make him understand. He just says he's not my ex. and I feel like if he does masturbate before we can be together it will change my desire for him. Because he knows how I feel about it and if he does it it's like he doesn't care. 2 agree Reply I'm sorry, but as a guy, four days just doesn't sound like a very long time to wait. Most of us can go that long. And you've already explain to him why it's different for the sexes, men's energy is limited, whereas women's is not. Reply Back to this again, we made love Sunday afternoon for the third day straight and now we won't be together again until Thursday evening and he's saying he needs relief. UGH Reply Maybe you should introduce him to the nofap forum of Reddit, and let him see that so many guys feel wonderful after quitting that. They feel more energy, confidence, and charisma. As for myself, I had an ex I only saw on the weekends, and she asked me to quit. I stumbled once or twice, but sex became so much better when I saw her. 2 agree Reply My husband is 65 years old i am 50. My libido is VERY strong…HIs……barely exists. Because of this i have learned to get myself off with different toys. He swares he does not masturbate and i have never seen or caught him so idont know. We have beentogether for 15 years…we dont talk much so this probably sounds odd…but i just had a conversation with himabout masturbation and he said…i understand why you do this but…it does NOTHING for me to watch you!!! This BLEW my mind!! Any advice????? Reply I'm in a slight pickle myself with masturbation and my wife. She doesn't like me masturbating alone despite our great sexual connection. For the longest time, I had a strong reliance on pleasing myself. I started when I was 7. I was in a poor sexual relationship (sex maybe once ever week or two) for 6 years with a girlfriend who encouraged me to get myself off (with porn, fantasy, seeing her naked, etc.). There were even problems with intimacy (kissing, caressing, etc.) that prevented me from really enjoying her so I accepted that this was my only reliable outlet up to the age of 25 when I broke up with her. Now I'm with a new person who is my wife and we have an incredibly happy sex life. Sex once a day (assuming we're not sick/tired/had a fight), lots of great intimacy, and my wife will jerk me off a lot of times when I happen to be turned on at night but she's not up to sex/sweating/showering. It's paradise really. I basically gave up porn of my own choice because I was so satisfied. Something I have been struggling with though is that she doesn't want me to please myself anymore when I'm alone. Even on travel. We didn't have as much of an issue starting out but slowly she asserted I shouldn't masturbate by myself at all. I agreed that stopping at work is for the best (though I can't always keep to that), but I find myself masturbating when I go on travel despite my resolve to not do so. Granted, she has some insecurities she's sorting out, but I'm encouraging for her to masturbate with and without me and sometimes it feels unequal. I try to be giving for her to enjoy herself (she's been in a repressed Mormon home most of her life and has a lot of jealousy issues), but the same is challenging for me to have when I'm just on my own. I get accused of being "addicted" to masturbating and/or porn and it's really not fair. I want to talk about this with her, but at the same time I feel like if I just don't say anything and quietly do it, it won't hurt anyone (for all of 3-4 times a year I'm on travel). She's great but can be very sensitive and a little high strung about small things. What I'm saying is can I make my peace with masturbating quietly without feeling like I'm doing my wife wrong? I'm not worried about masturbating at home as I have my baby for that. If it doesn't impact our sex life and she doesn't know any better, can I give myself peace of mind that I'm not a horrible person? I hate being dishonest, but it's more like "ignorance is bliss" in my head. She doesn't equate it to cheating, but it's like she wants me to treat it this way sometimes. Any thoughts? Should I just give this time and maybe bring it up with her later in life when she's more secure in our relationship? Not necessarily tell her I still masturbate but someday assert that I should be able to again and have her support? Reply Don't really see what the big problem is, why not simply join your significant other? I just LUV IT! When my hubby masturbates with / for me! It's just so damn sexy & so very,very erotic to watch one another! I just LUV watching how he teases his beautiful 23 cm's long ( 9 in. ) waxed silky smooth manhood for me. My waxed smooth pretty little kitty begins purring & she's just begging for me to pet her! We both are a just a couple of smoothies! We both like the look & feel of being smooth on each other. I'll start out with licking his beautiful,smooth shaft up & down the full length & teasing his balls with my tongue as well for a few minutes, then I'll very slowly reach over & grab his hand & place it on his beautiful throbbing manhood then I let him know I want to watch him stroke that long beautiful cock of his by whispering softly in his ear I want to watch. Then he begins for me! He begins very, very slowly by gently running his fingers along his beautiful erect shaft starting with his silky smooth balls, and up the entire length his gorgeous cock & while he's doing this I can see his manhood just throbbing more & more with each gentle teasing caress along the underside of his hard cock. Then his cock will begin jump off his groin on it's own to meet his hand & by this time my eyes are just fixated on that beautiful long cock of his & I am just entranced & hypnotized with pure amazement by this beautiful, erotic movement of his erection. By this time now my fingers are giving my pretty little bald kitty a good working over as I am becoming very wet with anticipation. I can begin to see now his clear pre -cum is beginning to slowly ooze out of the tip of his cock so, I take my finger & gently begin to make a circular motion on the head of his cock & he starts to grip himself tighter & he continues very slowly to stroke it to squeeze out the sweet love nectar of his, that I yearn so badly for & just longing to taste. After repeating this a several times all the while of course I'm still playing my silky smooth kitty, then he reaches over to grab my working hand & brings it close to his mouth, then he will very gently lick and suck on my fingers to taste my sweet love cream that he loves so much as well! This literally makes me cum again even more & nearly gives me an orgasm just from this alone! But I have to wait until we can both get off together ,after several minutes of slowly savoring each other we both begin again to get ourselves off & he starts picking up the pace of stroking that long beautiful shaft of his for me & by now I am frantically giving my kitty a good rubbing, faster & harder we both are going at it now & we both are echoing out soft moans of pleasure as were both watching one other. Then he's tells me he's about to cum and then just shortly later he erupts with all that beautiful hot pearly white cream onto my body. It feels so warm & good when he doe's this just for me & when I see it erupting out like a volcano it takes me right over the edge of shear pleasure with wave after wave of an awesome orgasms! I have to recommend to all the ladies out there, you definitely need to seduce your man into masturbating with / for you sometime at least once! I mean we all have masturbated at some point in our lives why not simply be honest with one another & try it together occasionally? I think most ladies will truly end up just LOVING IT! 1 agrees Reply I have been on the internet for an hour trying to find a "solution" for my high sex drive and husband's non existant one. Lots of articles and books how to help him. But as he doesn't want to be helped and I want to stay married, I have not found anything even close to a solution. Until now. Your article is 5 years old but makes me feel much better about trying to find a solo solution since having more sex is just not even possible in this marriage, and at least I can get some satisfaction! Thank you for the read. Reply Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Subscribe me to your mailing list No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.