Masturbation and my relationship: How I stopped worrying and learned to love myself… despite living with my partner

Guest post by Sloane Adelaide
By: Mark SkipperCC BY 2.0

We’ve talked about masturbation on Offbeat Home and Offbeat Bride before. We’re familiar with solo sex here. But what if you no longer live solo? “Easy,” I thought when thinking about how my sex life would change when my boyfriend and I finally moved in together. “Sex whenever/however/wherever we want. This is, as far as I can tell, the only reason anyone moves in together at all ever.” And more or less, this has proven true.

Except sometimes… I want, and he doesn’t.

And other times… I want very specifically to do my thing alone.

Well, guess what? I realized that for me, masturbation while living with my partner is perfectly normal. More than normal, it’s good. Great, even.

Initially I felt weird about looking forward to being alone to masturbate — or even sneaking off to bed early to get down to some independent business. Once when my boyfriend was up late watching a movie, I found myself lying in bed just waiting and growing more frustrated by the second, I realized that if we didn’t live together, I would have been done and asleep happily by then. I can’t expect our sex drives to match up all the time — we have to be in the mood at the same time. And that’s the thing: it’s about mood.

Good sex is, I think, more of a mental thing than a physical thing — and being turned on doesn’t wait for anyone. The mental aspect of sex is exactly why I believe that even if our sex drives synched every time, I’d still want to masturbate regularly. Being the conductor in your own orgasmic symphony is a completely different sexual experience than when someone else is a participant. Fantasy is a big part of sexual gratification, and it’s easiest to fantasize alone (cause in my head I can have all the lesbian threesomes I could want — even though that doesn’t work for my relationship dynamic in real life). As a teenager and young adult I explored my fantasies and sexuality with masturbation — why should those pursuits end at a certain age?

Once I realized that these moods and interests exist independently of my partner just as they had my whole life since puberty, and that “sex” includes solo sex as much as it includes sex with others, I wondered if he ever flew solo, too. So I asked him.

“Have you jacked off since I moved in?”


“Is it cause you don’t want to or cause you don’t have time alone?”

“Definitely cause I don’t have time alone. There’ve been times when I wanted to just rub one out.”

“Rub one out.” The casual nature of that slang phrase really made me realize something else. Despite how fantastic the mental part of masturbation can be, there’s also still some times when you physically want to orgasm. ASAP. Like, before you can do anything else. Sex with your partner as a “means to an end” for that release of sexual energy is a lot more complicated emotionally than masturbation. Sometimes you just want to rub one out.

So I guess in summary, masturbation is for me an activity no less legitimate than staying up late to watch a movie. It’s a way to explore fantasies and your own sexuality. It’s a craving no less real than wanting ice cream right fucking now. It’s a means to an end so you can go the fuck to sleep. Whether or not you indulge these cravings or use this tactic is up to you — but now, our apartment is a masturbation-friendly zone. And we’re stoked.

Comments on Masturbation and my relationship: How I stopped worrying and learned to love myself… despite living with my partner

  1. Awesome post. I have a higher libido than my boyfriend, especially when work is causing him issues. Plus hes only home 4-8 days a month (hes a trucker) so I get REALLY used to taking matters into my own hands. So when work is really stressful for him and hes not feeling it, even when he is home, I still go to town on my ladybits. Also, hes of the camp “just-because-I’m-not-feeling-it-doesn’t-mean-you-should-go-without-because-I-love-you” and he’ll help. Nine times out of ten, it really is just helping, considering I’m a weirdo that gets off easier when someone else does the work. He just adds it to the “you owe me” list, which is probably a mile long now. So I know if there is ever a time I’m not feeling it, I’ll give him a hand. Literally.

    • would you mind if he watched an erotic movie or and touched himself /mast. while watching….in bed if you were not in the mood? I’m just asking some women here to find how they feel.

  2. My husband (idk y) doesn’t like for me to masturbate. And well I love it. I ask him how come he doesn’t do it and he doesn’t really give me a straight forward answer. So anyways everytime he’s not home i masturbate. What i think sucks is that I’m doing it behind his back bcuz i know he doesn’t like me doing it. He sats “no,stop it’s mine” everytime i touch myself in front of him. So I’m like if u don’t want me to do it then u do it for me. But most of ALL the time he’s too tired. Which is exactly why I wait til he’s asleep to go at it& even though we just had sex i always get an orgasm when i finish myself. And eventually I’ve realized that when he does do it for me i don’t like it as much. I’d rather masturbate. I really wish there was something that would change his mind so i don’t have to feel so guilty all the time.

    • It is nice that you touch yourself in front of him. I think it is a nice way to turn your guy on. I think a lot of guys would like their wife do this from time to time when in the mood. I think it can help make a relationship (and those in it) have sex more on the brain if maybe they are not hiding and open to do it in front of each other/not hiding it…in a sense its an invite. anyone agree?

  3. It has been known to happen that I have (after 5 years of living together) gotten off right next to him while he’s doing homework, just to be a distracting pain in the butt. 😉 Sex is not taken very seriously at my house; we believe it is a way for us to be close, but not that we have to be dead serious about it, so we are very open and honest and sometimes very blatantly obvious about the fact we just wanna rub one out. No hurt feelings. And hell, most of the time it just starts up a hot, steamy sexcapade all on it’s own. 😀

    • So as a guy married in house for almost 6 years, sometimes I want to start things off and see if she is in the mood by some cheesy erotic soft core movie. sometiems she is not in the mood… Do you think its okay for hubby to keep watching or if she wants sleep for you to continue to watch which may lead to rubbing one off… just have asked some girls here for their opinion…Not sure if i can set the tone of how things are in the house, but I think its better than hiddign to do it…being sneaky or pretending I don’t enjoy.

  4. My husband and I, since the very beginning of our relationship masturbated. and we do it together. Most of the time at least. It takes a lot of courage first but then its ok, it gets normal. It also needs the understanding of the other person, that might not be in the mood at that exact moment, but like everything, talking is the key. we mostly tell each other we feel like it, we also feel free to leave the room and / or ask the other person to leave the room to be in private. Or when we have been apart, we keep bragging about how generously we came. I think masturbating is a big part of your loving relationship and I honestly love every part of it!

    • Do you mind if he watches a video or helps himself if you are not in the mood? I’m trying to figure this out and found this post and thought to ask some other women. It is a turn on if my wife will watch with me and she has, but much less often in the mood then me. just would like your thoughts…should I leave the room or change what I’m watching or be honest and offer invite to join, and if she is not into it…then stop or continue?

      • James, the people who have commented on this post are not the ones you should be asking – you need to ask your wife what SHE would rather you do, if SHE is comfortable with you watching porn while she is in the room. And it is good to keep in mind that the answer might depend on the day and might change over time. Sometimes she might want to join in, sometimes she might be fine with you going it alone with her in the room, sometimes she might want you to go to another area. Or she might have a firm answer one way or the other. It might be wise to bring it up when you are not experiencing an immediate urge to do it so that you have a clear head and can actively listen to what she says. It’s going to be up to the two of you to work out an arrangement that takes BOTH of your comfort levels and needs into account.

        • Thanks so much for your reply and your time. I think you said some really good and thoughful things, and I agree about how the answer may change on the day and the time….i’ve seen that already. I’d still like to hear from some other women and their take on this, before and if, I bring this up to my wife, or continue to try and be transparent about it. My own mood /desires seem to go like a cycle like most people, I have to maybe wait and see when she is in sync more with me before I ask. But I think I would only ask or sort of push the envelope when big head isn’t thinking. Otherwise, I just feel it’s dumb and I should be in my man cave . I’m just not sure and my mind changes if I should be transparent about it. I don’t want to be the guy in his man cave. I hope this makes some sense.

  5. I am having such a tough time with this topic in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year, and he used to be really into porn, he would admit to being somewhat addicted to it. After going to his house and catching him jerking it, even though he knew I was coming over I started to get strange feelings about it. It’s my first relationship and I’ve never been so intimate with someone that I knew their masturbation habits. I know it would be odd to ask your boyfriend not to masturbate that’s how I know I need to get out of this frame of mind. I just feel like its something gross and distasteful he likes to do and keep to himself. That should be okay, why do I feel like he does something bad when he masturbates???? Our sex life is a cause of stress in our relationship sometimes. Also, when he introduces sex to me, and I find out he already masturbated earlier that day, I get so turned off, I don’t want to have sex anymore. I honestly feel like he should wait. I know that I’m being irrational, how do I overcome this? A psychiatrist?

    • As far as masturbating seeming gross and distasteful – it could just be that you’ve internalized that view because it’s frowned on by the surrounding culture/community. Do you masturbate yourself? Maybe take a look at your feelings about your own masturbation habits or lack thereof and see how they relate or contrast to your feelings about your boyfriend’s masturbation. Is it masturbation itself that bothers you? or specifically how it interacts with your relationship?
      I’ve had similar feelings in the past about my now-husband’s masturbation in relation to our sex life as a whole. I would feel let down or hurt that he spent that time and sexual energy on porn instead of on me. Don’t be too hard on yourself for those feelings! But in terms of working through them – maybe try to figure out what aspects of it are such a turn-off for you, what emotions it prompts for you.
      In my case, it was jealousy and insecurity. I was unhappy that he didn’t spend that time on me, and I worried that he would find me less attractive in comparison to the porn. But I started to realize that these feelings didn’t match the reality of what was going on. He was still getting just as turned on by me, and when he had masturbated relatively recently it actually improved our sexual encounters because he could last longer and focus on my needs a little more.
      Thinking through and observing what I was feeling and experiencing helped me get to a better place with this issue, but it was also important that I was able to talk to my guy and explain what I was feeling and get his help figuring out why. In our case, his patterns didn’t change much, but it felt good to know that he understood my viewpoint and wanted to make sure I was happy and was having my needs met. And I do think that this is a partnership issue; it shouldn’t be solely up to you to adjust things. I would say it’s worth considering couples therapy, since you say your sex life is a source of stress, or going by yourself if he’s not open to it.
      Sorry for the super long reply but hopefully it’s at least a little bit helpful!

  6. I just wish society would get over the ‘sex is evil’ thing. I get the concerns with port but that’s a whole other ball game. Sex between people is something natural, it feels good and masturbation is just an extension of that. My husband taught me how to masturbate effectively (it hurts being penetrated sometimes so I don’t like toys – I don’t even use tampons) and to not be ashamed of it. We’ve been together nearly 7 years and are recently married. If we break up I doubt it’ll be due to masturbation but I’ll be sure to let you know 😉
    One addendum, we don’t watch porn, he has a picture collection and I use my imagination but I do read books with sex scenes, more kelley Armstrong than 50 shades. We’re not anti-hero, it justs too false and doesn’t work for us.

  7. My husband is masturbating alot, I wasn’t really happy at first so I wanted to try some thing. I caught him one after noon in bed laying there playing with himself, I came in got undressed and got on the bed and joined him. He was at the point of coming first so I reached over to help him out but went down on him and sucked his come out of him, he went crazy and the load was huge. He then went down on me and I never climaxed in my life but it was wonderful. That some how broke the ice and now we try all kinds of positions, toys, maybe act out a fantasy. It’s so much more fun now,

  8. It’s been a while since I checked back in here. Got lost in the shuffle of emails and notifications I suppose.

    This is still something of an issue for me. I think I’ve made some progress, but I feel a bit like I’ve regressed some. Sometimes the frustration is strong. Sometimes it’s there and I’m able to get through it. However, I still always struggle.

    My partner and I have had a lot of conversations about it. Thankfully he is typically able to be open-minded and not take it personally. He knows that it’s my issue, and he knows that I know it’s my issue and that I’m not trying to control him. Just recently he decided that, until I get this anxiety of mine figured out (I promised that I’ll start seeing a sex therapist), he’s going to stop masturbating. His thoughts on it are that if I’m not anxious about obsessing over whether or not he’s masturbated in a given day (I seriously have this weird sixth sense about it and seem to know whenever he’s done it), I’ll be able to think more clearly about why I have a seemingly instinctual issue with it. Thus far it’s been working. I’m still looking for a therapist, but I’m keeping my promise. Some things about my hangups I’ve figured out on my own that other folks who have the same issue may find helpful:

    **Conservative Christian upbringing**
    I grew up in a Christian household. Sex and masturbation were taboo subjects. There was the very clear understanding that one was not to have sex before marriage. Masturbation was foul and sinful. This was driven home by parents, siblings, church leaders, youth group, and the general culture I was exposed to. We did not have internet until I was 14, and so I was easily sheltered. All my education about sex came either from church, public school sex ed, and general conversation in school or snippets here and there from adults around me.

    Needless to say, this mash-up of ideas and input created a bizarre and destructive idea of sexuality in me from a very young age.

    The problem I faced was that I have a very powerful sex drive. I’m not entirely sure what the statistic is for when people discover self pleasure and orgasm. I recall masturbating from a very young age, as young as five, though it could go back earlier than that. I only remember that age due to the fact that an elder sibling caught me in the act then. I learned how to masturbate with my clothes on, so I don’t think he knew what I was doing, but I distinctly remember the terror and embarrassment I felt at being discovered.

    At that point I didn’t know what sex was. My “fantasies” didn’t even involve sexual acts. I look back at them and wonder how I was even turned on, but the brain is a fickle thing. And for some reason I always felt like what I was doing–even before anyone told me what masturbation was and that I shouldn’t do it–was very very wrong. I can chalk a lot of it up to being an empath. Even as a child I could draw in the emotions of others without realizing it, and it’s likely experiences like where I was discovered and sensed the uncertainty of another caused me to fear what I was doing in a way.

    Whatever the case, when I began to understand what sex was and began to be aroused by it, that was when the real guilt set in. I was never taught that it was important to develop a sexual identity. I was never told that it was ok to explore my sexual thoughts and feelings. The public school sex ed I experienced really only served to scare kids and young adults into not having sex for fear of pregnancy or STIs. And masturbation was hardly even covered. In church and in my family, everything I was taught was to practice abstinence until married. And don’t you dare touch yourself, because that’s sinful and lustful and God is always watching.

    As a person with a very high sex drive, it was pure torture at times not to masturbate. When I did, I felt intensely guilty and would immediately repent and promise God I’d never do it again. I thought I had a problem because I felt the desire to masturbate every day, multiple times a day. I thought I had an addiction and that I was messed up and perverted. I congratulated myself if I went more than a week without masturbating. One time I think I made it a month. I was miserable.

    I wanted to have sex so badly. It became an obsession, some tangled wiring in my brain that is still there to some extent where sex barrels into my thoughts at least every half hour even now in my late twenties. Such a psychosis about sex and relationships had been created in me that I was terrified to be in a relationship for fear of having sex and getting pregnant or contracting an STI. Just as terrifying was the shame of my parents finding out or my peers calling me a slut for my thoughts and actions. I did not think I could control myself if I came to be in a relationship with someone.

    And so masturbation became my sole sexual outlet, however guilty I felt about it. It became the thing I miserably did when I wanted to have sex, which was frequently. This type of interaction with masturbation and sex lasted well into my early twenties. It was shaped into something unsurprisingly more twisted and unhealthy as I matured and interacted with even more conservative Christian beliefs.

    Fast forward to the present. I am in my late twenties. I am no longer a Christian. I am happily sexually active with my partner of 2 years. My sex drive is higher than his, though we usually manage to work things out well enough. I have been diagnosed with several endocrine disorders that affect mood and behavior causing symptoms of anxiety, OCD, depression, and ADD. This has a heavy impact on my behavior and anxiety related to sex and masturbation, and I struggle daily with issues brought on by my upbringing. Thankfully my partner is very supportive and is willing to work with me through what I am dealing with.

    I masturbate infrequently. Though I don’t consciously think of it as a dirty thing any longer, I know the idea of it being there is still in my mind, shaping my attitudes and feelings. I feel as though it’s a sneaky, selfish thing to do despite all that I tell myself it isn’t. It still holds a very strong stigma of the thing that I do when I want to have sex very very badly. It is extremely rare that I just want to masturbate. If I’m turned on enough to masturbate, I damn well am going to want to have sex, not “settle” for masturbating. I don’t think this is a healthy mindset. Especially because I project it onto him. When he masturbates, I ask myself why can’t he just have sex with me? If he’s so turned on, why masturbate? I’m usually around when he does it. It seems the lesser of the options because I can honestly say I am always ready to have sex. Or at least why can’t he masturbate with me there so I can experience it and use it to get off myself?

    I get incredibly turned on by just thinking of it. The moment I think of him masturbating, the entire scene plays into my mind. I almost project myself into him and his body. Feeling what he’s feeling, seeing what he’s seeing, thinking what he’s thinking. I desire so strongly to /be him/ in that moment. To experience it all from his mind and body.

    And so when I know he has masturbated, whether because I found out (I’m about 90% with knowing when he’s done it despite lack of physical evidence; usually if I suspect I ask just to confirm so I don’t go crazy wondering) or he told me, I struggle massively with an avalanche of conflicting thoughts and emotions that range from anger to guilt to arousal to disgust to anxiety to abandonment. I am angry because he did something on his own without me when I would have been perfectly willing to be involved. I am guilty because I know I should be ok with it but don’t know how to be. I am aroused because my imagination immediately runs wild with images of him doing it as well as thinking about his experience of it and his arousal. I am disgusted because that’s what I was taught to think about masturbation, and despite no longer holding those beliefs, their echoes still haunt me. I am anxious because I don’t know exactly what he did; I don’t know what he watched, how he did it, how long it took, how he felt, how strong his orgasm was, what it looked like, etc; I didn’t have any experience of it and so am anxious about it. And I feel abandoned because I wonder if there is something wrong with me that he would choose to masturbate to pornography or fantasies over having sex with me.

    I believe all these feelings are legitimate in that I am having and experiencing them. However, I don’t believe all are healthy, and I try my damndest not to react to them. I will talk to him about them, but I do my best not to control his actions due to my own issues and insecurities.

    All this and much more is why I am seeing a sex therapist as soon as I find one in my area who is decent. Because I would really really like to have a healthy relationship with my sexuality. I think being ok with my partner masturbating starts with being more secure in myself and my sexuality.

    For anyone who got to the end of my post, I congratulate you and hope I didn’t bore you too much. Any thoughts or suggestions?

    • I’m very glad to hear that your partner is cooperative, and I’m sure that addressing your generalized anxiety, OCD, and depression will help everything.

      However, I feel like there is an instinct that women have against male masturbation that is at the root of your issue. I’ve read many posts on the Internet about women, many of whom masturbate themselves, who find themselves with irrational upset and anger when their partners do it.

      It makes sense that those women who convinced their men not to do it might have slightly more offspring, so it seems to be the sort of thing that could evolve.

      Also, a lot of the ancient traditions (Judaism, Tantra, Chinese medicine) warned against wasting sperm that way, so there could be something to it.

      I myself was lucky enough to have many of my first girlfriends be honest enough with me about their own feelings on the matter, instead of being secretly resentful. And I ended up stopping for them, which improved our sex lives quite a bit, since male capacities are limited, and the more we do ourselves, the less energy we have for our women. Most women are the opposite, the more they do on their own, the more energy to have for their partners.

      • Thanks for your response. I appreciate your view on it. It’s interesting how you mention that you noticed an improvement in your sex life when you stopped masturbating. I have heard both this and the opposite from men. Some men (and some studies) say that masturbation /helps/ with their sex lives. What I tend to notice with my partner is that he seems to be more engaged when he hasn’t been masturbating. His energy is stronger and more vibrant, he is more intense and involved. When he has masturbated, he does not have as much energy or even interest. He will just do things “for me”, as he says, but what it boils down to is I also feel less engaged because he is less engaged in his own pleasure, as he has already sated himself. And this is one of the things that frustrates me. If I want to have sex and have it be /good/ sex, I don’t want his solo act to be getting in the way of it. And it has on multiple occasions. It’s quite complicated, really. And I’m sure there isn’t an across-the-board way that it works for people. Everyone is quite different in their sexuality.

        And now that you mention it, yes, I do have a major frustration with the fact that I’m not involved or “using” his semen. Which is really weird due to the fact that I don’t want to have children. I admit that I do have something of a cum fetish, so that could be involved in it, too. But yeah, there’s definitely something there with being frustrated it’s “going to waste” even though I wasn’t going to use it anyways. And the rabbit hole goes deeper…

        • I have never heard any male report that masturbation increases their sexual energy, or helps with their sex life. Only the opposite. And in fact, there are a growing number of young men who are discovering that avoiding masturbation gives them what they call “superpowers”, increased mental clarity and social confidence. Check out

          Now I’ve never had a problem with a social phobia like a lot of those fellows, but I absolutely have experienced the vibrancy you mentioned about your boyfriend.

          With regard to the instinct about wasting semen, I found the following quote from a sex researcher, which you can probably relate to:

          “I know I’m in the minority here, but in my mind it’s like nursing a baby–it’s okay for the baby to suck on a pacifier, unless of course the woman is having a hard time getting her milk supply up to speed, but no woman is going to just throw away her breast milk–that milk is for the baby. Men’s bodies have to work just as hard to produce sperm, and I’m pretty damn sure that women’s bodies are made to need it on some level, and not just two or three times in a woman’s lifetime to get pregnant. So I know it’s irrational, but on some animal level my body is saying, “Don’t just throw it away, that sperm belongs to ME!” Frightful double standard, but there you are.”

          • Of course he has energy! The same energy I have when I need a release. That stored up energy is stressful all by itself. If no men masturbated then women everywhere would have bigger issues. They would be out of control and we would have to fight them off more than we do now.
            If you show him you really need his sperm then suck it dry every chance you get and don’t waste it by spitting it out. If you think he is done Cuming keep sucking. Make him squirm! Reassure him that he will live and don’t stop, it will be the best BJ he ever had. He will remember you for rest of his life.

  9. I don’t know if anyone else has this problem. But I suffer major anxiety once I start emotionally investing in a relationship. I had bad experiences in the past where I woke up in the middle of the night and caught exes watching porn and masturbating even though we took care of each other frequently. Over the years and as relationships have come and gone the problem has gotten more severe. With my last relationship my partner was self concious about not being able to last long so over the years sex became intermittent to maybe once every 3 weeks. So I had a problem when he took care of himself but didn’t want to be with me. He had the same problem with his ex as well and neither of us were not good looking…that wasn’t the issue. So for ages I would suspect him of doing it in secret and he was very good at hiding his behavior. Now in my new relationship I have the same bloody issue. We have huge chemistry and we are great in bed and we still have sex about 3 times a week. But my anxiety has gotten so out of control that I don’t want to leave him alone in case he does masturbate. I know its a problem and I hear allot of you talking about how calm and happy you are with it. But I can’t seem to get better – I’ve gone to counseling/ didn’t work. Am on antidepressants, doesn’t work. I don’t go out anymore. And hes getting sick of it. He gave up porn for me. But even so the thought of him taking care of himself feels like a massive betrayal to me. I’m not sure if anyone else has ever gone through this but I’m not sure what to do and I really feel like I’m at wits end. 🙁

  10. I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship where my s/o masturbated and then couldn’t get an erection when I wanted to have sex. He did it mostly secretly and lied about it. I have a very high sex drive. Now I’m engaged to another man and we have sex a lot, 6 + times a week. Well he is having to work 4 nights in a row, which means we won’t be able to be intimate with each other. He says he is going to need relief that he can’t go 4 nights, I find this very irritating and I feel betrayed, like why can’t he wait it’s not my fault he has to work. Yet, I feel like it’s ok for me to masturbate, yet based on history with my previous relationship it can cause negative effects if he does it. I don’t know how to get past this, he says it’s not fair because he doesn’t care if I do but I care if he does. I don’t know how to make him understand. He just says he’s not my ex. and I feel like if he does masturbate before we can be together it will change my desire for him. Because he knows how I feel about it and if he does it it’s like he doesn’t care.

    • I’m sorry, but as a guy, four days just doesn’t sound like a very long time to wait. Most of us can go that long. And you’ve already explain to him why it’s different for the sexes, men’s energy is limited, whereas women’s is not.

      • Back to this again, we made love Sunday afternoon for the third day straight and now we won’t be together again until Thursday evening and he’s saying he needs relief. UGH

        • Maybe you should introduce him to the nofap forum of Reddit, and let him see that so many guys feel wonderful after quitting that. They feel more energy, confidence, and charisma.
          As for myself, I had an ex I only saw on the weekends, and she asked me to quit. I stumbled once or twice, but sex became so much better when I saw her.

  11. My husband is 65 years old i am 50. My libido is VERY strong…HIs……barely exists. Because of this i have learned to get myself off with different toys. He swares he does not masturbate and i have never seen or caught him so idont know. We have beentogether for 15 years…we dont talk much so this probably sounds odd…but i just had a conversation with himabout masturbation and he said…i understand why you do this but…it does NOTHING for me to watch you!!! This BLEW my mind!! Any advice?????

  12. I’m in a slight pickle myself with masturbation and my wife. She doesn’t like me masturbating alone despite our great sexual connection.

    For the longest time, I had a strong reliance on pleasing myself. I started when I was 7. I was in a poor sexual relationship (sex maybe once ever week or two) for 6 years with a girlfriend who encouraged me to get myself off (with porn, fantasy, seeing her naked, etc.). There were even problems with intimacy (kissing, caressing, etc.) that prevented me from really enjoying her so I accepted that this was my only reliable outlet up to the age of 25 when I broke up with her.

    Now I’m with a new person who is my wife and we have an incredibly happy sex life. Sex once a day (assuming we’re not sick/tired/had a fight), lots of great intimacy, and my wife will jerk me off a lot of times when I happen to be turned on at night but she’s not up to sex/sweating/showering. It’s paradise really. I basically gave up porn of my own choice because I was so satisfied.

    Something I have been struggling with though is that she doesn’t want me to please myself anymore when I’m alone. Even on travel. We didn’t have as much of an issue starting out but slowly she asserted I shouldn’t masturbate by myself at all. I agreed that stopping at work is for the best (though I can’t always keep to that), but I find myself masturbating when I go on travel despite my resolve to not do so.

    Granted, she has some insecurities she’s sorting out, but I’m encouraging for her to masturbate with and without me and sometimes it feels unequal. I try to be giving for her to enjoy herself (she’s been in a repressed Mormon home most of her life and has a lot of jealousy issues), but the same is challenging for me to have when I’m just on my own. I get accused of being “addicted” to masturbating and/or porn and it’s really not fair.

    I want to talk about this with her, but at the same time I feel like if I just don’t say anything and quietly do it, it won’t hurt anyone (for all of 3-4 times a year I’m on travel). She’s great but can be very sensitive and a little high strung about small things.

    What I’m saying is can I make my peace with masturbating quietly without feeling like I’m doing my wife wrong? I’m not worried about masturbating at home as I have my baby for that. If it doesn’t impact our sex life and she doesn’t know any better, can I give myself peace of mind that I’m not a horrible person? I hate being dishonest, but it’s more like “ignorance is bliss” in my head. She doesn’t equate it to cheating, but it’s like she wants me to treat it this way sometimes.

    Any thoughts? Should I just give this time and maybe bring it up with her later in life when she’s more secure in our relationship? Not necessarily tell her I still masturbate but someday assert that I should be able to again and have her support?

  13. Don’t really see what the big problem is, why not simply join your significant other? I just LUV IT! When my hubby masturbates with / for me! It’s just so damn sexy & so very,very erotic to watch one another! I just LUV watching how he teases his beautiful 23 cm’s long ( 9 in. ) waxed silky smooth manhood for me. My waxed smooth pretty little kitty begins purring & she’s just begging for me to pet her! We both are a just a couple of smoothies! We both like the look & feel of being smooth on each other. I’ll start out with licking his beautiful,smooth shaft up & down the full length & teasing his balls with my tongue as well for a few minutes, then I’ll very slowly reach over & grab his hand & place it on his beautiful throbbing manhood then I let him know I want to watch him stroke that long beautiful cock of his by whispering softly in his ear I want to watch. Then he begins for me! He begins very, very slowly by gently running his fingers along his beautiful erect shaft starting with his silky smooth balls, and up the entire length his gorgeous cock & while he’s doing this I can see his manhood just throbbing more & more with each gentle teasing caress along the underside of his hard cock. Then his cock will begin jump off his groin on it’s own to meet his hand & by this time my eyes are just fixated on that beautiful long cock of his & I am just entranced & hypnotized with pure amazement by this beautiful, erotic movement of his erection. By this time now my fingers are giving my pretty little bald kitty a good working over as I am becoming very wet with anticipation. I can begin to see now his clear pre -cum is beginning to slowly ooze out of the tip of his cock so, I take my finger & gently begin to make a circular motion on the head of his cock & he starts to grip himself tighter & he continues very slowly to stroke it to squeeze out the sweet love nectar of his, that I yearn so badly for & just longing to taste. After repeating this a several times all the while of course I’m still playing my silky smooth kitty, then he reaches over to grab my working hand & brings it close to his mouth, then he will very gently lick and suck on my fingers to taste my sweet love cream that he loves so much as well! This literally makes me cum again even more & nearly gives me an orgasm just from this alone! But I have to wait until we can both get off together ,after several minutes of slowly savoring each other we both begin again to get ourselves off & he starts picking up the pace of stroking that long beautiful shaft of his for me & by now I am frantically giving my kitty a good rubbing, faster & harder we both are going at it now & we both are echoing out soft moans of pleasure as were both watching one other. Then he’s tells me he’s about to cum and then just shortly later he erupts with all that beautiful hot pearly white cream onto my body. It feels so warm & good when he doe’s this just for me & when I see it erupting out like a volcano it takes me right over the edge of shear pleasure with wave after wave of an awesome orgasms!
    I have to recommend to all the ladies out there, you definitely need to seduce your man into masturbating with / for you sometime at least once! I mean we all have masturbated at some point in our lives why not simply be honest with one another & try it together occasionally? I think most ladies will truly end up just LOVING IT!

  14. I have been on the internet for an hour trying to find a “solution” for my high sex drive and husband’s non existant one. Lots of articles and books how to help him. But as he doesn’t want to be helped and I want to stay married, I have not found anything even close to a solution. Until now. Your article is 5 years old but makes me feel much better about trying to find a solo solution since having more sex is just not even possible in this marriage, and at least I can get some satisfaction! Thank you for the read.

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