How the Fuck-Off Fairy helped me fight fat-shaming #Life#body image#exercise January 27 2014 | Guest post by Rebecca Seriously, fuck off. (Photo by: Cate_Dartfinger – CC BY 2.0) I am a member of a high-end gym near my work. It was the only one that worked for me, as far as location, and, let's face it, I'm a sucker for the Aveda products in the locker room. When I go to the gym, I usually lift heavy, do some cardio, and stick to myself. It is "me time" at its best. Recently, a personal trainer has been trying to recruit me as a client. When we first met, I told her my goal was to do a pull-up. I've been taking some aerial classes, but had plateaued, so decided to lift for a while and build some strength before going back. I told her what I'd been doing, and she was supportive. She made minor noises about how "slimming down" might help me lift my body weight easier. I understand physics well enough to know she is right, and mostly ignored the fat-shaming that was also present in the conversation. Then this week, she sent an email about a group meeting. It was filled with assumptions about how we were all striving to lose weight and how she wanted a three-day food journal from us so she could help us to eat better. I sent her a note back indicating that I didn't think I was a good match for her training. I thought I was letting her down gently. This morning, at the gym, she asked me to talk about the small group training and why I wasn't sure about it. I mentioned that I didn't really want to be in a group that was focused on weight loss. She made another comment about how "trimming up" would help with my goal of doing a pull-up. That's when the Fuck-Off Fairy showed up. The Fuck-Off Fairy is a special kind of fairy. She shows up on the night of your 30th birthday, while you are sleeping, and waves a magic wand over you. She comes to release you from the expectations that you should always be nice and polite and say yes to what other people want from you. She helps you see your authentic self, and how beautiful and fabulous that self is, and how the world will not end if you are true to you, rather than to others' expectations of you. Related Post Sucking at ballet class makes me love my body I suck at ballet. Though I have been dancing for a few years, the style of the class I'm taking is extremely foreign to me.... Read more The Fuck-Off Fairy teaches you to stand up for yourself and believe in your value. She gets that sometimes "fuck off" needs to be said politely and with a smile, but while delivering the message clearly. She is an important part of the coming-of-age process. Although she typically comes at 30, some people are lucky to get their Fuck-Off Fairy visit at a younger age, others may have to wait a bit longer. It is worthy of note, however, that it is never too late for you to invite her to visit you! Although she likes to serve women, the Fuck-Off Fairy does not discriminate on the basis of gender. The Fuck-Off Fairy was sitting on my shoulder during my conversation with the trainer. I was able to stand up for myself and my body. To tell her that my goals were what mattered, not some socio-cultural perception about what my body should be. I explained how exercise, for me, is about enjoying my body and appreciating it — not beating it up or shaming it. I told her that I love what I can do, how strong I've become, and how I see improvement every day. I told her that my muscles are amazing, and what I can do with my body is incredible. And I said that I'm not working with someone who doesn't think my body is perfect and beautiful as it is. In the trainer's defense, when I called her out on this matter, she immediately agreed with me. She sees that my strength is impressive and that her job is to help me meet my goals, not to make assumptions about what they are. As I walked away from this interaction, I offered a little prayer of thanks to the Fuck-Off Fairy. I'm glad she's part of my life! Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Rebecca Rebecca is a gym rat and college professor in Seattle, WA. She loves open water swimming and backyard chickens. She did ask another professor if APA style would have one hyphenate "Fuck Off" (yes in the context of the fairy's name, no in the exclamation.) PREVIOUS How to build a Super Bowl snack stadium NEXT What can I plant in deep shade? Show/Hide comments [ 97 ] I am immediately going to add a Fuck-off Fairy to my altar. This is amazing. 95 agree Reply Ha, thank you for giving a name to this phenomenon! I realized a year or two that "Hey, since I turned 30 I kinda don't care what other people think as much – particularly strangers. And I'm less afraid of speaking up when I disagree. And I'm less afraid of setting boundaries for how people speak/act around me. And I'm less afraid of cutting the Negative Nancys out of my life – because life's just too short for that." I <3 the fairy! π 63 agree Reply Glad you liked it. They took out the "author's note" that I had written. A friend of mine who I'll call "Zipper" gets true credit for the fairy! 14 agree Reply Hi, R. π This post and this site always make me smile. I will step forward and "out" myself as "Zipper". I like seeing this idea disseminated. I came back to re-read this after separating from my husband this year and also just having a conversation with my mom in which I found some extra "F-O" dust in my pocket to sprinkle when I needed to defend some personal boundaries. So refreshing. 6 agree Reply LOVE this. I can immediately see how the Fuck-Off Fairy will be helpful to me in so many situations. 16 agree Reply I love how not only did you stand up for yourself, you also educated the trainer in the process and she was open to it. In her job, it's got to be rare to meet someone who isn't striving to "fix" an externally-imposed problem. Hopefully it made her reconsider her assumptions and she carries it forward with future clients. 44 agree Reply Thank you. I hope she learned something from it as well. 5 agree Reply Yes! "Look at all the fucks I give" has become my mantra. Rock on! 82 agree Reply oh, ms. shannon! You have created my new favorite image & slogan!! 4 agree Reply i also talk to my fairy many times i believe in her and it helps :_) but never knew she was a fuck off fairy π 3 agree Reply This is fucking awesome. Just piling on the love toward you for giving this phenomenon a name… I was visited by the fuck off fairy when I was 28, and I don't regret being an early adopter! 7 agree Reply So i think my fuck off fairy came when i was 15/16 really early. I like to think that i was a pretty polite kid growing up to adult and to my peers. But i think it happened cause of being a pregnant teenager. Every single person has a opinion when your pregnant at that age and there is only so many time you can tell some nicely, "no im keeping my baby" before you go cray cray on them. And i dont think my fuck off fairy ever left after that. haha 21 agree Reply Yes, I think the Fuck-Off Fairy tends to arrive to a lot of women during pregnancy, regardless of age (I'm 26). I'm trying very hard to keep mine in check, actually, as I have been tempted to tell people off a number of times now. While many people are well-meaning, it seems that pregnancy suddenly causes everyone to have opinions about your life where they didn't before and no filter to keep their mouths shut. My Fuck-Off Fairy has come and gone for a number of years now, but I would agree that I'm increasingly reaching the point where I feel that I know my own mind well enough and don't need to have someone else tell me what I should or shouldn't think or do. 10 agree Reply Same idea, opposite problem: my Fuck-Off Fairy tends to come out when defending me and my husband's decision to not have children (at least, not in the next 5+ years). I've given up starting sentences with open-ended questions, such as "guess what?," or hinting at long-term planning (who knew that me opening a conversation about financial planning would lead to side-eyes about having babies – clearly I didn't see that train of thought coming). Yes, I know that I'm not getting any younger and that everyone wants a little grandbaby/great-grandbaby/niece/nephew/endearing-tiny-human-term, but please: Back. The. Fuck. Off. I promise, you will be the first people to know when, and IF, we decide to procreate. In the meantime, dear people, please see my opinion on your opinion: http://imgur.com/a/2rkHJ 31 agree Reply Just need to register my love for that last link, thank you! 11 agree Reply You're so welcome. 1 agrees My word. That link. Its…. Glorious. I'm rarely compelled to put thinks like that on Pinterest… but this one NEEDS to be preserved simply so I can have it for later. Also HOLY CRAP Martin Freeman must've had that as an on-set meme or something. I can't imagine why else there is so much video footage of him flipping off the camera/whoever is behind the camera. I love it. 1 agrees Reply I quit telling people " I'm sorry but… " or apologizing for what I say or think in any shape, form, or manner. Also, Can't tell you how that and not "Sir" or "Ma'am" ing all the time got me TONS more respect. Don't find I end to make myself subservient to others. Just don't say it n you'll find others don't miss it… 3 agree Reply I really like this post! The Fairy seemed to arrive with me at 30 too. It is an age I wasn't looking forward to, but so far it's actually been the best year of my life. I used to hate the feeling as I walked away from an uncomfortable conversation of 'I should've said this, when she spoke to me like that'. Sometimes days later I'd still be irritated by how I hadn't handled myself well enough. Now I just respectfully put my point across and go on about my day. It's very freeing π 10 agree Reply Good for you being honest and standing up for yourself and your body. You don't need to be a size 6 to love yourself. xx 4 agree Reply I wish the fairy would come and visit me yet. I'm still not as solid as I'd like to be. Your story reminds me of a gym I went to four years ago. It's right next to my job and, admittedly, I was trying to loose weight because it's the fastest way to end my particular health condition. The first trainer I had there suggested I build up muscle instead. And I really liked his approach, especially when he said "If you're hungry in the evening, please don't ignore it and have a glass of water. That's bull-shit! Eat something healthy (carrots, fruit, yogurt), but please eat." I liked him and I thought he had something. A few months later, he was fired. I was told he expected too much of his clients. I thought…well that sucks. They stuck me with a new girl (as in, just out of training). An ex-chubby who found redemption being at the gym 6 days a week. Great for her, she looked like she enjoyed it. Because she used to look like me, she thought she knew exactly what I needed. I told her right off the bat that I was not interested in any nutritional discussions. Nothing, at all. I'm done with that. I want to learn to move regularly, and move right. Next thing I knew, she had me on the food journal thing. Three weeks later, she sets up an appointment and brings me in an office. I sit down, she closes the door and I realize it is a nutritionist's office. She spent 1 hour hitting me over the head with what I really should be doing. I should have gotten up and slammed the door within the first five minutes. But I didn't, and I was nearly reduced to tears before she was done. I never went back to that gym (or any gym for a while). Two months later I realized I should probably go back and get the stuff in my locker. It's when I remember that day that I try and prepare myself for the fairy's visit. I feed my resolve with books like The Unapologetic Fat Girl's Guide to Exercise and Other Incendiary Acts, and Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love & Fashion. The last one, really helped with the "I have a right to say it, I really do! F*ck-off!" I'm not there yet, but it's coming. Every time I read a story like yours, I get one step closer. Thank you. 21 agree Reply It is too bad how much the fitness industry strives on shaming. I flat out rejected the other (lower end) gym that was in the same neighborhood because of the way they fat-shamed when I walked in just to inquire. Thank you for your story! 12 agree Reply Have you tried following up with the trainer you liked? If you remember his name, you might be able to find a personal website, or his new place of business. I'm sure he'd want to find a way to take you on as a client again. It's hard to find a trainer that's a good fit, and they are worth holding on to! 14 agree Reply You are right, they are very rare. I should have, but I didn't. It was years ago and, at the time, the convenience of having a gym right next to my job was what I needed (so I would have no reason not to stop by). So I kept on there. Of course, looking back, that wasn't the best idea. I hope he found the clients he deserved; he was a great guy. Reply I love how you exercise but not for loosing weight. It has been something I have been wrestling with lately. I love working a sweat, but I get sick of hearing instructors saying things like "Just imagine all the calories your burning!" My bosses has another name for your fuck-off fairy, it's called loosing your "filter." They say how as you get older your politeness filter slowly dissolves, and you say what is really on your mind. XD They'll love the Fuck Off Fairy. 9 agree Reply I totally agree! I'm a pretty "healthy" weight at the moment, and in fact, it would be unhealthy for me to drop much weight, and the gym instructors **still** use "LET'S ALL LOSE SOME POUNDS!!@!" as their rallying cry. I especially hate "JUST IMAGINE HOW HOT YOU WILL LOOK IN THOSE FLIRTY SUMMER DRESSES!!" Actually, Friend, I'm here for the emotional and mental benefits, and I'd appreciate it if we didn't all focus on the physical stuff. I can handle the Yoga instructor's "Let's get Stronger!" (They don't yell as much in yoga class), but wouldn't it be awesome if they yelled "LET'S ALL EXPERIENCE GREATER MENTAL STABILITY THROUGH THE POWER OF ENDORPHINS!" 45 agree Reply Slow clap… 7 agree Reply I love everything about this post, but I especially love that you double-checked the APA stylization of "Fuck Off." Grammar nerds FTW! 32 agree Reply Thanks. Yes, the other faculty member who I asked laughed quite hard when she heard my APA question!! I'm weak on APA (especially version 6) so thought I'd get some help! 6 agree Reply Just want to give a high five for APA formatting of the Fuck-Off Fairy (yes, 6th edition blech), and a double high five for the Fuck-Off Fairy partnering with you so brilliantly for this transaction. Although I recognize I'm gender stereotyping when I associate the word "fairy" with a female character, there is something personally empowering for me about my assumptions of her femaleness. Often when I need the help of the Fuck-Off Fairy, I'm also coping with the negative messages I've learned about my ability/rights to stand up for myself as a female. Something about harnessing the badass power of a well boundaried, insightful female Fuck-Off Fairy is extra helpful and grounding to me. The strength of the Fuck-Off + the Feminine of the Fairy = Yes, In this moment I can stand up for myself, believe in my value, AND identify as female! One does not negate the other. Brilliant. 14 agree Reply Her original conception, by my friend "Zipper" was to help women, which is why she has a strong feminine presentation. The expectations for women to be something they (we) aren't is so strong, that's why she was created for us. One of my friends represents her as a cat. But however you want to see her, is the right way. She's magical like that. 5 agree Reply My DarlingSir said the masculine counterpart could be the Don't Give A Fuck Dwarf. 40 agree Reply I like it!! I can almost see the line of children's books now…. 9 agree Reply I need a fairy on one shoulder and a dwarf on the other. 4 agree Reply Oh, I so hate the assumption that everyone everywhere must want to lose weight/get thinner/eat only vegetables from now on. I really like the idea of the Fuck-Off Fairy for strangers who project that onto you. What drives me super crazy, though, is the way my friends talk about food a lot of the time–how when they eat cheese they're being "bad," or how they say things like "I'm going to have another brownie because I hate myself." Male and female friends alike! They're not policing me, so telling them to fuck off is too much (and feels harsh for friends), but it can result in a mini shame spiral of commiseration while I sit there awkwardly. Maybe I need a deflection dryad that can help me change the subject… 19 agree Reply My friends are the same way. Being a strength athlete who still indulges in occasional treats, I've found that the best way to counter comments like that is to say how much you love what you're eating. For example: "I'm going to have another brownie because I hate myself." "I'm going to have another brownie, too, because they're fucking delicious." Then you end up talking about how good the brownies are. 22 agree Reply That's a great response because really, they're basically saying, "I feel guilty about eating a brownie so I want everyone else to feel guilty too." And you're saying "FUCK THAT SHIT!" 17 agree Reply Wow, that's spot-on. Opting out of the guilty game is so liberating. 1 agrees Reply I once had someone ask me if something was my "guilty pleasure." I looked him straight in the eye and said "I don't feel guilty about any of my pleasures." Life is too short to feel shitty about things that make you happy. 26 agree Haha, I laughed out loud at "deflection dryad." Seems we could have a whole mythology of creatures to assist with social situations. 15 agree Reply OMG these 2 characters are the best! I should not have read this at work, as I had 2 coworkers ask if I was ok since my face was turning so red from laughing. I had to tell them all about the Fairy and the Dwarf. Luckily it amused them too. Reply I love this. The Fuck Off Fairy has arrived on my shoulder in the last year (since turning 30, amusingly), and she is immensely helpful in reminding me that I. AM. AWESOME. In the last year, I've been able to start telling people what I need from them (the hardest being my husband and my mother – but I'm doing much better!), being able to stop being polite and actually disagreeing with people when they make comments that enforce stereotypes… and also just thinking about what I'm saying/meaning more often. My current battle is when people do something that pisses me off and say "Sorry about that". The "default" response it "That's okay", but if it's NOT okay, I'm striving to not automatically respond with that and say "Thank you for your apology". 13 agree Reply That's really great, I'd never even thought about the "that's ok" response (or in my case, "no worries", cuz I'm okker like that), but now that you mention it, it does rather leave something to be desired as far as a response goes. 3 agree Reply I love this! I'm 27 and I think the Fuck Off Fairy just came to me recently, and I love finally having the confidence to stand up for myself. In certain situations I can't be as assertive as I like (work), but I like to think that people see the Fuck Off glimmer in my eyes now even when I can't say anything. 3 agree Reply Yes! The fuck-off fairy started gracing me with visits in my twenties, and upped her visits as I got older – more frequently since I started lifting weights π 2 agree Reply The Fuck-Off Fairy came to me right after high-school graduation (I was a precocious youth) in the guise of the Honey Badger. As in, "Honey Badger don't care. Honey Badger don't give a shit." Now whenever I feel the pressure of any kind of shaming or unpleasant situation, I ask myself, "What would Honey Badger do? Honey Badger don't give a shit." It has worked wonders! 14 agree Reply Any trainer worth his/her salt would have heard "wants to do pull-up" + "doesn't want to lose weight" and thought, "then that means I need to teach this person how to get stronger." Instead, your trainer decided to try forcing you to work towards a goal you weren't interested in, probably because weight-loss clients are the only kind she knows how to train. Perfect time for the Fuck-Off Fairy to come out, indeed. 9 agree Reply She mentioned she wasnt interested in a group dedicated to weight loss. This confused the trainer as most people go to the gym for that mere goal. Also because her goal was to do one pullup, the steps are simple: 1-Build functional strenght and mass 2-Dispose of useless bodyweight. Not the same doing a 200lb pullup than a 400lb one. Im exaggerating, of course. And so this is what the trainer meant in all honesty to tell her, but she couldnt have known she would get offended at that. She was trying to help her reach her goal the fastest and most logical way. She was in all her right to tell her she wanted, another way though. Simple as that. 9 agree Reply When I turned 30, my sister turned 35, and she told me that while turning 30 wasn't that bad, turning 35 was really hard. I told her it wouldn't be hard for me. When she asked why I thought that, I reminded her that she would then be 40! I think that's the first time the Fuck-Off Fairy visited me. π I turned 50 last year and I've realized that you get very comfortable with the FOF and she becomes a regular part of your life! And yes, I'm a Fabulous Fifty, of course! π BTW, I also exercise for me and me alone. Yes, I could probably lose some weight, but it's really more about feeling good in my body and being able to do things that I never really thought I could do. I don't even have a scale, but I *have* run (run/walk) a marathon! 6 agree Reply Kudos to you for finding your voice. I discovered my Fuck Off Fairy when I was 50. Late bloomer and so many wasted fucks not given, lol. 6 agree Reply I'm 47 and have been receiving visits from the Passive-aggressive Pixie since my early 30s. I've banished her recently and now look forward to the first of what I hope will be many visits from the Fuck-off Fairy. She's awesome. 5 agree Reply This makes me think about a similar experience I had at a new gym a few years ago. My lifestyle had gotten a lot less healthy since getting a desk job, and I was really proud of myself for finally committing to a gym membership to get back on track with my health. So I'm sitting there for my "free training" session, in which half of the time is actually spent in an interview trying to make you feel bad enough about yourself to purchase personal training sessions. The trainer takes my weight and body fat % and shows me that I'm not even on the chart for the gym because I'm too heavy. I told him that my main focus was to get back in better shape, and if losing weight was a result, that would be great. He then wanted to know how much I weighed at my happiest. It pissed me off that he was trying to work this angle, but I told him. He wrote that down as my "goal weight" and then proceeded to shame me because my "goal weight" was still considered Obese and I shouldn't be satisfied with that. It was like he just couldn't comprehend that I could be happy with how I looked if my BMI wasn't under 23. I almost started crying I was so pissed. Needless to say, I didn't purchase any training sessions. 3 agree Reply OMG this is amazing! The Fuck-Off Fairy has begun to visit me, and I love her to pieces already. I'm finding, however, that my personal version of the Fuck-Off Fairy is pretty unfiltered at the moment. I've got to find a way to gussie her up for my professional environment. Is there a handbook for that? π 5 agree Reply Her milder though no less effective friends the Nuh-Uh Gnome, Dismiss Pixie, Boot Goblin, Beat-It Genie, Hightail Mermaid, or Unicorn of Nay may be able to help. π Reply Did she even bother to ask you WHAT your goals were before trying to jump in and help you reach them? Sometimes we forget to stop and ask. That's a really important step. Don't try to help someone just based on your presumptions of what *you* think they need. Great post. Love the FoF! 5 agree Reply We'd had a brief chat about my goals. I'd talked about the skills I need to get better at aerial– strength and balance. I'd never mentioned weight. Reply I loooove the fuck off fairy. Pretty sure I'm lucky enough to always have had her … but also not so lucky to always have had her. But meh, totally worth it. Most recent application – I just recently changed from a generic women's gym to crossfit. When I cancelled my gym they asked why and basically I explained that the final straw was the sparkly prints of Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn that went up in the corridor as part of the refit. The gym was already 50% machines, like 10 % bathroom 30% class space and 10% weights room – which was effectively the corridor into the rest of the gym so a super uncomfortable space to work in. And they were expanding the machines space and not changing the weights grr Anyway so I told them I was mad about the weights and how more machines aren't going to help me. I told them that most of all I didn't want to see those pictures of women in my gym who have probably never been to the gym before ever – that I go to the gym to get fit and strong not look good in a dress. I said that I wanted to see gym members pictured up there if anyone. I also told them I didn't like the website which is all airbrushed clearly American stock photos (we are a Pacific nation so this is not representative) It felt pretty awesome π 12 agree Reply I love this, you are so right.. I love the fuck off fairy!! Reply I'd like to think I'm getting better at this kind of thing, but I could really have used the Fuck-Off Fairy last week… I decided to treat myself to a high-end hair salon, because I wanted a nice relaxing experience and a good blow-dry as well as a cut. I only really wanted a bit of a trim though. But the moment I sat down, the guy was lecturing me about how I didn't get my hair cut enough, how I shouldn't be trying to grow my hair out, how I was a "blank canvas" and how he "wouldn't let me walk out looking like this". I couldn't believe my ears! I very nearly walked out, but couldn't find a way to do it. In a sense, I'm glad I stayed, because I did end up with a nice haircut, which was the overall aim, and he was ok during most of the appointment… but I am never, ever going back there, and I'm telling all my friends how rude they are. I just wish the Fuck-Off Fairy had been there to help me say: I'm not looking for advice on haircare. I'm not looking to be guilted into coming to your expense salon every six weeks. I am not looking to be told my current appearance is unacceptable to you. I'm looking for a relaxing hour of me-time. Fuck off. 8 agree Reply Glad to know I'm not the only one with this kind of problem (guess I'm still waiting for the FOF) – I am getting better though, since my husband always maintains that I'm "too nice." Reply Here's the thing… now that you've identified how you want to respond, it will make it that much easier next time to respond in that way. It really is countering a long history of the social norming of women to be agreeable and think others know what is best for them. You can do it!! 7 agree Reply Thanks! That's a great way of looking at it. Reply Yes! You gotta know what you wanna say before you can say it. That's the step I was missing, and it left me completely without words when I needed them to set a boundary. My friend gave me the "homework" on thinking about what I wanted to say (even though it was "too late") because articulating makes it easier the next time around. 3 agree Reply This made me smile. As someone who has been dealing with boundary issues, I might need her to pay me a visit soon. Thanks for writing. 1 agrees Reply I understand and agree with the idea of the article – it's pretty normal to get the self-confidence to stand up for yourself as you get older, and the more so at 40, 50, etc. However, it's ironic to me that this article was illustrated with a picture of a stick-thin fairy with twiggy arms and legs. Sends an odd message. 3 agree Reply Although I agree– I just wanted to point out that fairy dolls are….. well generally non-existent in other forms and the fuck off fairy does not have to be plus sized. The message was for anyone/anything and although THIS particular fuck off fairy message helped with fat shaming the message was that EVERY body is perfect. There should be no shaming for ANY size or shape. 9 agree Reply The method to my photo choice madness: I just chose the Creative Commons fairy photo with best bitch face. Regardless of body type, my vision of the "Fuck-Off Fairy" was all about the bitch face. π Though… if anyone wants to do a mock-up of what THEY think it looks like… by all means… hook us up with some art work! 5 agree Reply I have to disagree. I don't think the image sends an odd message at all. I see nothing wrong using a character who has (or for that matter being a human who is) "stick-thin with twiggy arms and legs." This post, as Crystori pointed out, may deal with an example of fat-shaming, but the broader concept is that your "Fuck-Off Fairy" can help anyone with any-shaming. A person's body type isn't the issue, here. Feeling strong enough to stand up for yourself is — even if you have to defend your "twiggy" arms and legs. 11 agree Reply People get skinny-shammed too. I work at a "health" food restaurant and got told by a customer that she could never become vegan because she didn't want to get too skinny like me. By all means I am a healthy weight and not even close to being skinny like a model or skinny in a way that I look ill. I am pretty sure that Fuck Off Fairy would have sometime to say to that lady. XD 9 agree Reply My fairy came to visit while I was planning my offbeat wedding. We were walking down the aisle to Patrick Wolf's "Magic Position" at the rehearsal and my Aunt (who had NO PART in the rehearsal) piped up with, "Are you REALLY going to play THAT?!" Without missing a beat or a step I replied, "Yes, and it's AWESOME!" My fuck off fairy tends to come in the form of affirming how amazing I think my choices are for me. Last night at the grocery store I ate a granola bar while shopping so that I wouldn't make bad decisions out of hunger. Instead of shyly handing the wrapper and apologizing for being hungry while shopping, I handed her the wrapper and said, "I ate this while shopping and it was delicious. I can't wait to pay for it!" I got my food, she got a laugh. Everybody wins! 4 agree Reply You go girl!! Reply This is amazing! I love the term and I will definitely use it to help me in situations where I find myself bending to the desires of others. Reply I'm absolutely apalled at the rudeness of your trainers! I live in a small village close to Paris, with two low-cost gyms, and the trainers there are WAY more concerned with the techniques that you are using to exercise (so that you don't injure yourself!) than with body image. I can't even imagine the number of complaint sheets they would have to fill if they mentioned weight, size, fat or width in ANY way. … Actually, this is not completely true. They do care about the size, weight, muscle and width of a very particular batch of clients – they are the unofficial gym for the local interns on the firemen brigade. They come in skinny, wearing bright green neon shirts, and a few months later they have to size up. But you can still hear the trainer screaming "If you lift that weight like you'll waive an axe you will KILL yourself!" 3 agree Reply Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!! (Thank you) Reply My fuck off fairy caused a career change. I left the dietitian field because too many people I was working with were concerned about weight and not health. I'm plus sized; I always have been- I always will be. That being said I eat mostly fruits and vegetables, usually raw, and little to no meat. I have to set a timer to eat because I will FORGET. I can't process fast food so I can't eat it. I'm allergic to corn syrup so there are SO MANY pre-made things that I cannot eat. I generally don't eat a lot of wheat but I like rye bread every now and then. I eat what most people would consider an ideal diet- but I'm still plus sized. I weight lift, do aerial dance -pole and silks ftw-, and I run most mornings. I can see where trainers and dietitians get their idea that a small body is a healthy body, but I know quiet a few people in every size that are not healthy- size doesn't matter. Yes, it can be a prelude to show that you have a health issue, but that is not always the case. (A trainer friend who is fairly young but in pretty good shape suffered a heart attack recently- her body and diet were great. My point is not to judge health by looks or diet. Underlying health issues can be completely hidden.) I hope everyone can find their fuck off fairy and stand up for themselves and their decisions. <3 It would be nice if there was no fat-thin-tall-short-gay-bi-straight-poly-it-doesn't-matter shaming. No shaming is good shaming. Well…. actually- you can shame your dog for getting in the trash. That's ok. Trash is a no-no. 9 agree Reply Love how you've given her a name + identity. We should all hang out with and listen to our 'fuck off fairy' more often – because when we do things in align with our true value, we totally rock!! Reply My version came to me when I was 14, as a mantra. It goes like this: "Fuck that noise!" Works like a charm. 1 agrees Reply So that's what she's called! I have met the Fuck-Off Fairy a few times but she has yet to make herself a consistent presence in my life. I think at the moment she's starting small and only coming to see me when I'm with people who don't deserve any fucks at all and then we'll work up to people who only need her occasionally. Also, hooray for you for telling the gym human where to stick it! Be happy and give precisely zero fucks about what anyone else thinks of your body. Reply I first met my fairy at 14… I had been debilitatingly shy up until that point, I would regularly cry if a teacher even spoke to me and I didn't have many friends (i was 'weird' apparently). My mum was diagnosed with cancer with a low survival rate and my family didn't handle it well, I had to do a lot to support them. Something clicked. Life was too short for me to be scared of what anyone else thought, in fact my life had become very scary but I wasn't scared, I discovered that I was strong. I started to say what I was thinking and I discovered that I was also funny (and weird, but in a good way!). This was an incredibly empowering discovery for me, the shy girl. I'm 30 now and when I tell people I used to be shy they rarely believe me. My mum survived and is amazing. I would not change my experiences even if I could, I love my fairy, she made it ok for me to be me. Even better she made me realise everybody is scared until they find their fairy and I have a lot of empathy with shy people! Find your fairies!! 6 agree Reply Rebecca, I run a body acceptance/HAES (health at every size) support group on Facebook and one of my members linked your awesome article there. I'm also a jewelry maker, and I would dearly LOVE to make a line of "FO Fairy" jewelry for folks to wear on days when they need a little extra encouragement to tell the world to FO when it comes to body shaming/weight shaming/other shaming. Would that be okay with you? 2 agree Reply Brilliant! We all need the Fuck Off fairy sometimes. I think I need her help with my outlaws. Reply I'm pretty sure I was born with the blessing of the Fuck-Off fairy because I have honestly never given a crap about what's considered accepted due to my race, size, gender, tax bracket and so on. While I'm more vocal now (maybe she gave me a second visit when I turned 20) even as a young child when faced with these issues I'd always go on the defense and say "Why?" Obviously no one had a good enough answer lol. 2 agree Reply Yes! I'm 37 (but 23 on the inside) and the fuck-off fairy has only been a recent addition to my life. I think as women we have a much harder time telling people to fuck off – politely or not – because the majority of us are trained from birth to always be nice and put a smile on our faces and do what we're told. So even though I have less fucks to give about what people think of me, I still really struggle with telling them so. Baby steps! 2 agree Reply Ugh. I *really* need the fuck-off fairy to pay me a visit when this guy in my office keeps talking about my miscarriage like it's water cooler chat. Pls visit me FOF!! 3 agree Reply Seriously- this is bullshit. You need to directly tell him to stop. Then if he continues, tell him you will address this with HR if he doesn't stop. Then, if he still continues, go to HR directly. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200$. This is harrassment. 4 agree Reply Here's to APA Style! My Fuck-Off Fairy didn't show up until I was 40, but she has been very active and delightful (at least to me) ever since. Reply The Fuck Off Fairy did not find me until later in life. My polite at all costs conditioning was pounded into me for too many years. I have enjoyed finding all of the areas in my life that can benefit from visits by the Fuck Off Fairy and her brother the "I Call Bullshit"Buddy. He has become more vocal in calling Bullshit on bad behavior and the sheer stupidity that seems to have become epidemic. Thanks for the smile today! Reply Off topic of your fuck-off fairy but on topic to your pull ups- you could try working on your hand grip. I know I need to improve mine, I can't take apart our juicer at work alone because my fingers can't squeeze the machine still. The link gives some exercises to practice, which makes sense, because finger/hand grip is how people are able to do cliff climbing. Maybe take that up as a hobby too? http://dailyburn.com/life/fitness/forearm-workouts-grip-strength/ Reply How many fuck off fairy's do we get? I'm 42 and I sure need one today for the assholes who think they are God to my existence at work today. π I hate fitspo people they can fuck the hell off. Reply I think I have always had a fuck-off fairy. Is that weird? I've never been afraid of saying exactly what I think (most of the time tactfully, and when the situation calls for it, of course). I have been called blunt before, but I'm proud of that. I have never put up with that crap, and I think most people respect me for it because they know they will always get an honest answer from me. Reply I love the fuck- off fairy. Her words of wisdom keep me strong! Thank you for helping others to know her. Reply I happen to be working to lose weight, but because I feel that it's what I need to do to get to where I want to be in life, not social stigma. The fact that my primary forms of exercise are ballroom dancing and going for walks are bonuses, and I have completed a 5k! The FoF first showed up for me in limited encounters when I was a high school senior, when I realized I actually don't care if anyone knows I like anime and am a big ol' geek. I'm still working on vocalizing the Fairy's suggestions regularly, despite being 31, though. One time in early college I went on a family vacation to Disney World and, while at Epcot, spotted a kimono shop. Being that I'd always wanted a kimono, I went in and started trying some on. As a shop assistant was helping me try on a lavender one, some random tourist lady basically told me not to bother because I'm fat. I was shocked into silence and she walked away, but inside the FoF was screaming bloody murder about how my clothing choices/purchases were none of the business of some stupid stranger. I still regret not having said something that would have reminded that lady that no, she doesn't have a right to comment on me and/or my life. Reply I love this so, so hard. The Fuck-Off Fairy and I have been BFFs since about my 30th, too. She's been right there with me for almost 14 years now, throwing shade on and sprinking I-give-zero-fucks pixie dust on haters who act like I shouldn't even be seen in public enjoying a meal or flying on a plane because I'm fat. Also, as a doll collector, I love the accompanying pic: looks like a "Monster High" fairy repaint. Most cool. Reply The obsession with female thinness has nothing to do with female beauty and everything to do with female obedience. Fuck it. 3 agree Reply I don't really see how the trainer was "fat-shaming" you. Pestering you to get you to sign up for her sessions like every other trainer does, sure. Making the obvious point about your weight and being able to do certain strength exercises with ease and possibly in a safer manner, maybe. Maybe you didn't give the entire story but that's kind of on you as the writer of this entry. I love the fuck-off fairy – that's why I can write this comment to your article. My fuck-off fairy wants me to say this idea is great but your supporting story to use as an example is weak. Fat-shaming is a serious thing and I just don't see it here. Reply Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Subscribe me to your mailing list No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.