The first time my daughter told me she hated me, I bought her a cake

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Most parents discuss a lot of firsts their kids may experience with anticipation — first steps, first words, and so on. I’m pretty sure most of us aren’t counting down the days until our child screams “I HATE YOU!” at us, but I love the solution this mom came up with: if your kid says she hates you, just go out and get her a cake.

Photo courtesy of Sarah Eyre.

Two summers ago, my daughter crossed a milestone: She told me she hated me for the first time.She was 15 years old — nearly 16 — and we were arguing about her boyfriend at the time. He’s still a minor, so I’m not going to use his real name. I asked Kiddo for a substitute, but all her suggestions were unfit for print. I’m going to call him “Dick”, because it’s a name, and it’s the closest to the names that Kiddo chose for him. It’s all about compromise, right?

So we were arguing about Dick, who really was a dick, although my daughter didn’t know it at the time, and the argument wasn’t going well.

We aren’t a shouting-match sort of family, but things got out of hand and culminated with my daughter storming out the door, shouting, “You’re a fucking bitch, I hate you!” She ran up the street to her best friend’s house, leaving the gate and my jaw hanging in her wake.

It’s one of those major leaps, like cutting teeth or taking your first steps: Her Very First “I Hate You.” At 15, we were probably overdue, but she’d never said those words to either of us before.

My husband and I stood in the kitchen and tried to decide what to do next. He advised we let her calm down at her friend’s house for a while; I worried that my angry, crying teenager would be imposing on someone else’s hospitality. A few hours later, he went and retrieved her, and she spent the rest of the evening hiding in her room.

The big question that my husband Sam and I kept pushing back and forth was, “What comes next?” What do you do after your kid tells you they hate you? We wound up feeling that it was more of an assertion of independence than something that warranted discipline, but that doesn’t mean that we knew what the next step should be.

Growing up, I always felt that my relationship with my mother could be shattered at any moment. I walked on eggshells for most of my childhood, and eventually I tried outright rebellion in the hopes of just getting it over with, because eggshells are so, so exhausting.

Eventually, I went back to eggshells for a while — for as long as I could stand it — until I stopped speaking to her in my mid-teens. It turned out that unless I stayed within my mother’s very carefully drawn parameters, our relationship really was easily broken.

I have modeled many pieces of my parenting style on not becoming my mother. It isn’t ideal, I know, but it seems to have worked for us. The evening after my daughter told me she hated me, I decided to regard this first as a milestone, and not to accord it overmuch negative importance. It happens.

Going to bed that night, I decided I wanted to make certain that my daughter knew that no matter what happened between us — no matter what she said — that our relationship could not be so easily shattered. I wanted it clearly stated that nothing as small as an argument and some heated words — even angry words like, “I hate you” — could damage us.

I woke up the next morning and called SugarBakers, the fancy wedding cake place nearby. If you’re going to celebrate, you might as well go big, right?

“I need to buy a cake today,” I said. “and I’d like it to read, ‘You’re a fucking bitch, and I hate you,’ please.”

There was silence on the other end.

“Hello?” I asked.

“You’re serious?” they asked.

“Yes. Would you need a deposit? I’d need it for this afternoon.”

There was a pause. “The cakes we have ready in the case aren’t big enough for that.”

“Oh. OK. I guess just, ‘I hate you!’ would be good enough.”

You can read the rest of the piece at XOJane.

Comments on The first time my daughter told me she hated me, I bought her a cake

  1. I read this article and linked to it on FB a few weeks ago… I really loved it! It reminded me a bit of my own Mom and I when I was a teenager; though she never got me a cake, we would fight really intensely and then she’d always make an effort to show me that we were still ok afterwards. Once, midfight, I screamed “I HATE YOU!” and, just as loudly and furiously, she shouted, “Well I LOVE YOU!”

  2. Okay, when I read the title I thought, “Ummm, okay, keep an open mind, keep an open mind…”, but it all makes sense now! I know telling your mom’s she’s an effing B**** would cross the line for a lot of people, but I think in a moment of anger (and not every other word in a normal conversation) a good swear word helps relieve some of the steam.

    I know, I know, I’ll feel differently when I have kids.

  3. This is wonderful! My daughter is only two but if she waits until she’s a teen or just before to tell me she hates me, she’s totally getting a HateCake for it. What a great way to diffuse the situation 🙂

  4. Ha! I wonder what it means that my 5 year old son has already told me he hates me (I’m sure it was over something like me not letting him play with his buddy across the street or something like that). He also seems concerned about looking cool. I swear, I have a miniature teenager.

  5. Our GirlChild made it to 11 or 12 before zinging that out at me, and I think I shocked both of us when I said something along the lines of “Well FINE because I’m not exactly Thrilled with you right now either! I Always Love You but don’t like how you’re acting.”

    Took the angry wind right out of her sails.

    We went thru a typical mother-daughter rough spot that now that she’s gone and early 20’s is ~mostly ~ resolved but sometimes still has that feral-like edge to it. That 1st “I hate you” morphed into a “YOU’RE THE MEANEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!” which earned her the response of “You mean it?! Really??! YES!” and she’d take it back and we both ended up laughing hard.

    Above All she knows (I hope, and maybe she reads this now?) that she’s loved. Ugly words and all. I’m totally with you you OP. It takes Strong Mamas to raise Strong Daughters.

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