I read this Offbeat Home post about Asexuality and queerness redefined sex for us, and I hate to be a downer, but this is so much harder when you are in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. The things that work for this couple would not work for me, what I desire most sexually is penile penetration but I can’t have that anymore due to my husband’s chronic health issues. I’m not into kink or role-play or erotica or anything like that. Sex toys don’t give me the same emotional connection. Not much else to be done but live without…
It’s actually not more difficult to find solutions in a heterosexual relationship. It might feel like it, but that’s because you have a set of expectations that you want met, and if you aren’t having them met, then you see no solution.
But there are always solutions.
If you’re not into sex toys, that’s fine, but I will tell you that you are missing out. I used my first (in shame because of conservative parents) at 18, and it was good. Penis in vagina is very nice, and when I was not asexual (I was not born asexual, relationship and health problems contributed), I liked it a lot. But I learned something that maybe you need to: Penis in vagina with a human being may be very nice, but sex toys can do a whole lot more for you than other people can, and you can do it all by yourself.
Sex toys could mean your partner could help you masturbate, depending on the level of his disability. If he can’t use any type of toy (there are a number of websites that sell disability-friendly sex toys), then you could masturbate for him using a toy. There are a lot of dual density silicone sex toys that feel very realistic which can add to the experience.
Talk with your husband about what he’s interested in, what he can do, and he’d like you to do (yes, take ALL of this into account). Talk to him about what you’re interested in, as well.
I’m certainly not going to try to sell you on kink or role playing, as you’re in a difficult situation as it is and don’t need to be pushed. I will say that erotica is incredibly useful, and can make a difficult sex life easier and more fun.
I will also say something you might consider mean: if you find that you aren’t able to think more creatively about intimacy, and you feel that you can only get fulfillment in a very specific manner that your partner is not able to provide, and it affects you this much… you may want to consider moving on.
Whatever course you take, I suggest you take one. You’re clearly unhappy, and you need some kind of help. I hope you find the help you need. Good luck!