The very reason why I am hesitant in writing this is the very thing that I want to try and stop! But, that is why I am going to share this with you. I want girls to be able to be comfortable in their own skin, regardless of their sexual choices…
A few nights ago I was sitting on the deck with hubby, and we started talking about “the number.” You know… that question that we all kinda want to know about our partners, maybe about our friends, and maybe even other people’s partners.
How many people have you slept with?
Whenever I asked that question of someone else it was out of pure curiosity. I was curious because sex fascinated me, and still does. I like knowing why people choose to have sex, and how they approach getting sex, or why they choose to not have sex. I am interested in a solely non-judgemental way. I just love how people are different — especially when it comes to sex.
I have no issue with my number, and no regrets of my past. But, given societal stereotypes, I knew that it would cause judgment and fear, especially from someone who did not share a similar past. A woman who has slept with “too many” people, or is sexually aggressive, or dresses in a fashion that people deem provocative, is labelled a “slut” and “whore.”
Which is why I felt that I couldn’t give my actual number to someone I really liked. But I didn’t want to low ball it too much, because my past made me who I was, and that was someone I was proud of. Who cares who I slept with, or didn’t sleep with? I hated that it mattered. I hate that it still matters.
When the time came to provide my sex number…
I don’t even remember what I said. But, I do remember that it was almost the end of us. The number shocked him, and scared him, and he didn’t understand. He asked if I regretted my past. Because the norm is to expect a female with that kind of number to be full of regrets and bad decisions.
Now, at that time I didn’t go into a lot of explanation, because I was scared that I was going to lose this guy that I really liked, loved even, and I knew I couldn’t do a lot to change his mind if he decided that he was not okay with my sexual past. But, no I did not, and do not have regrets. Yes, I made mistakes and learned a lot, but no regrets.
We did get past it, but it was not something that has come up a lot in our relationship until recently when we sat down and I explained it. I explained why I did it, what it meant for me, and how it in no way impacts our relationship now, or ever has.
I know you’re all wondering what my number is
It must be huge if it caused this much angst! But… what is a huge number? 10, 20, 50, 100, 200? This is going to vary for each of you reading this based on your past and your experiences of your whole life, not just sex.
I lost my virginity at 14 to a guy who I was dating. It was bad and terrible as you might expect at that age, but we dated for a while and we did care for each other. I met my husband when I was 24, and in those 10 years between I was mostly single, with a few short term and a few long term relationships thrown in there (1-2 years). And, when I was single I enjoyed having sex.
I was a female who understood the power that I held when it came to sex. I could go out and choose who I wanted to go home with that night, and hardly ever was I rejected. Some of those guys I never spoke to again after a night together. Some went onto building into a relationship, and some became friends with benefits for a while.
Those things combined meant that I had sex with 80-100 people. I can’t name them all, I can’t even remember them all if I tried. I could pass someone on the street tomorrow, and not remember that we shared a night together.
Judgement and name-calling
Don’t worry, I’m aware of what many of you might be thinking… You’re a bit of a slut. That sounds like a lot of people. And you don’t even remember them all! Was it even worth it?
So, why live that kind of lifestyle? Why tolerate the judgement and name calling? What benefit is there in the end? For me, the biggest benefit was feeling strong by not letting other people’s thoughts control what I do. And there was the power. The power that I was given by being able to choose my partner, and the power that I got from being able to turn down people who I didn’t want. It also provided acceptance and desire, and those are things that people want on a daily basis and go about achieving in many different ways.
But no matter, when a female lives like this she is judged, and judged much more harshly than any man is.
Sure, I get where those questions are coming from, and people are entitled to their opinions. But I was doing what I wanted to do, I was safe, and my business wasn’t hurting anyone else.
But no matter, when a female lives like this she is judged, and judged much more harshly than any man is. And, this judgement cause females to be unsafe, and hide their desires and wants, and sneak around to do something that they enjoy. This judgment and secrecy that society causes means that females cannot feel free to do what they may want to do. And, for those who do have a lot of sexual partners they often feel ashamed, like they aren’t “good enough,” or that they “deserve whatever they get.”
And, it is here that the problem lies…
We need females to feel empowered, we need society to stop being so judgmental about sex, we need men and women to accept people’s choices when they are not hurting anyone.
I’ve had people ask me if I want my daughters to go out and sleep with lots of people? As if that would be for sure a bad thing. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it can be a really great thing if they understand what they are doing, are being safe, and are not doing it in a vengeful or hurtful way. And, if that is what they choose to do they will have my support 100%.
Let’s build our girls up instead of tear them down by slut shaming and name calling. Sex is sex, it is a physical act. It does not change a person’s worth, it does not make a person better or worse than anyone else, it does not deserve to be judged.