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An aging nightlife colleague posted this online recently:
Really need to work on the whole “being fun” thing a little more. It’s too easy to just sit around being comfortable and old.
I saw these kinds of things a LOT from my peer group of aging freaks, especially right around age 30. It seems like all of a sudden it’s staring you right there in the face: the stuff that we spent our 20s doing (in my specific case, dancing all night while intoxicated) suddenly doesn’t have quite the same pull, and there’s part of you that screams NOOOOOOO! I’m getting OOOOOOLD! And then there’s this reflex of MUST FIGHT IT MUST FIGHT IT.
(I don’t mean to pick on this particular friend, but this is one of a bazillion examples of aging offbeat types getting down on themselves for being “old” and not doing the things they used to.)
What’s interesting to me is that rather than find new ways of expressing that creative energy, there’s a reflex to keep expressing it the same way. “If I don’t keep doing the exact same things in the exact same ways, then it must mean something positively awful is happening. MUST KEEP GOING OUT. MUST CONTINUE NIGHTLIFE. MUST PROVE SOMETHING.”
It’s just not working for me any more. I’m not saying I want to move to the ‘burbs, curl up with my Reader’s Digest, and give up on all that crazy kids’ stuff. Dance and music and the arts are crucially important to my life, and have been a part of my life since childhood (art classes), through my teen years (theater), through college (raving), post college (more raving/clubbing/Burning Man/etc.).
But as I’ve gotten into my 30s, I realized that more of the same wasn’t going to cut it. I still like dancing … just during the day. I still like music … just not at ear-damaging levels. For me, it’s been about discovering the roots of my interests and finding ways that feel like they fit into my life NOW that feel good. Like dance class (in the morning) and going to festivals (taking a vacation to get freaky, instead of getting freaky and then hauling your cracked-out carcass to work 12 hours later).
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It’s been really gratifying to find new ways to express my creative energy, rather than forcing myself to continue the old ways I’m not drawn to any more. Stagnation isn’t youth. You can’t stay 21 (or 25, or 30, etc.) forever. Personal evolution is awesome!
Or, as I said to my friend in response:
Totally agree, but at the same time I feel like there’s nothing worse than forcing yourself to do something you’re not drawn to just because you don’t want to feel the age that you actually are. (i.e., oh I better go out, because I wouldn’t want to feel like I’m not in my early 20s any more. Oh wait….)
I need to talk to more aging weirdos, because it’s not like this same cycle hasn’t been happening for generations…
As you get older, how do you find ways to continue the passions and subcultures of your youth, while respecting and celebrating where you’re at in your life now?
I feel like I had a similar epiphany recently. I’ll be 30 next year. I’ve spent the last ten years trying to get my career (nursing) where it needs to be and because of that and trying to fit into jobs, I feel like I’ve lost some of who I was. I’m not 21 anymore, I’m not playing roller derby anymore (mainly because of an injury), I didn’t get to let my cooky artsy hippie flag fly because I was busy. I’ve always wanted dreadlocks. Like my entire life. I recently decided FUCK IT. I’m going to be 30 next year, I’ve been a nurse for 10 years and I’m good at it, I deserve dreads. That decision had snowballed into just feeling more comfortable with myself in general. To me the best part of being an “aging weirdo” is I really don’t care what people think anymore.
As the child of lifelong weirdos, and the friend of lifelong weirdos 8-20 years older than me, I’ve thought about this a lot since high school. The first thing that made me really consider it was watching my parents’ friends drop off as they got more conservative as they got older. The next was watching my own friends finish up their weird “phases” and drift away for various reasons. I’m lucky to have a pretty solid band of lifers around me now that I’m not worried about disappearing, whether they breed or not.
The nice thing about having a lifelong context for being an aging weirdo is that I always had a timeline in my head for when certain behaviors would start to be embarrassing for me. Also that I never felt like I needed to self-identify as one particular grouped identity, because what interested me was so varied. Mostly my exploration has been driven by seeking out new experiences, and realizing that I was finally at a stage or income level where I could just enjoy nicer things. Since I had some excellent examples to follow, sometimes that just meant getting freaky at a museum instead of somebody’s interchangeable dance party. And the realization that you didn’t need to be at the bar at open mic at 3am anymore, because everyone there was just trying to get laid, and you had someone you actually liked at home in bed waiting for you.
But because I’ve been off the leash for basically my entire life, I’ve gotten to a point where my expectations for entertainment have gotten so absurd, that I needed to start pulling back. Or rather, instead of being impressed by some 100 foot fireball (though let’s be real, that will always be impressive), I realized that my next steps for personal fulfillment and leveling up in life required me to work more directly within society’s normal structure and prove myself, while still keeping my identity. They were more about long term goals and doing things that were impressive on a much larger scale than just managing to pull together some crazy costume in a week for a party.
The downside of chasing the weirdo ideal of being paid to be openly weird, is that I have very little time. To play, to spend time with my most important people. When I do, it’s usually to work on a big project. But I do think I’ve done a pretty good job of staying true to myself, while pursuing bigger things that are just as goofy and random as anything else that ever made me clap my hands in glee. The crafting projects that used to be the main focus of my creative push have become the quiet things I do to decompress. Which is kind of insane, because projects have become what I do to unwind from bigger projects. But I’ve always been a little hyperkinetic.
I’m 45, my husband & I don’t have kids (we like them, just never wanted to raise any!), and I have a fairly conservative job. However, I’ve been & looked pretty punk/goth-y since I was about…15? At work, I just wear a lot of black & some very small & subtle skull/bat/etc jewellery bits. I have a few teeny tiny stripes of a not-found-in-nature colour, in my hair. My husband is a jeans & cowboy boots type. We look pretty odd side by side; people that don’t know us, never assume we’re together.
What’s hard for me is never having been able to decode or understand the ‘in between’ way to dress for a lot of what happens in life. I get how to dress for work, even if I chose to do it a tad differently. I’ve gotten no complaints, & had no issues with promotions. I enjoy my bondage pants & Converse in my off times. But I have nothing in my closet that feels or looks right for say, a baby shower, or a cocktail style afternoon wedding for my 40-ish pals, or for when my large group of sister-in-laws say “Let’s dress up & go for martinis at that new chi-chi bar!” on a summer evening. The type of clothes one would typically see on a 40-ish woman for those types of events/outings – ugh, it makes my skin crawl. It looks cute on everyone else, but when I try it on at the shops, I think it’s just god-awful, or, I don’t look like ‘me’. But then I end up looking weirdly out of place, or I feel uncomfortable with whatever I’ve ‘resorted’ to as a last ditch choice, because it’s either far too casual, or it’s too business-wear. I can do ‘some’ body skimming clothes, but nothing clingy or god forbid tight; I don’t wear a small size. I don’t even understand the shoe dynamic – if it’s not Converse, or Doc Martens, or the beloved black chunky-heeled Mary Janes I favour for work, I’m clueless. I don’t do spikes – my feet can’t do manage that anymore; no dressy flats – I’ve not really plus size but I am a tad heavier, and flats make me look dumpy….so then, what does that leave??
But as far as lifestyle in general, all I can say is, you do the things you enjoy, & that’s that. I love combing through antique stores & charity shops, going to art house films, concerts, etc. My age won’t stop me from going now, or ever. Anyone who thinks I’m too old to be somewhere, can go pound salt. It’s a natural progression as you age to maybe go to the earlier showing of a film as opposed to the later one, or to go to the heavy metal concert, but maybe with half-inserted ear plugs. What ev’s – do what feels authentic & right to you.
Your work style sounds just like mine! My workplace isn’t conservative, and our dress code is pretty relaxed, but I need to look somewhat professional, and I love to find sneaky ways to wear skulls and rock ‘n roll or goth-y things.
I identify with your “issue” with going to certain things like weddings, baby showers, etc. I am very tattooed (half sleeve on one arm, a big tattoo on the other upper arm, and two on both sides of that wrist) I LOVE my tattoos and so even when I want to dress “normal” or fancy… I stick out unless I wear long sleeves anyway. I say embrace your style and put your own spin on the style for the occasion!
I also kinda gag when I try to shop for the kinds of work clothes many of my friends wear. I am pear-shaped and most dresses I find either fit my waist/hips/butt and are too big in the chest…or the ones that fit my chest won’t even fit around my hips.
And my feet are terrible and I have also given up on high heels. Have you tried some taller, sleeker boots–but flat? Like “riding boots?” I think those can give you a more dressy look without the uncomfortable heels.
ooOOooooOOOOooooo…I like the idea of those boots, Carrie Anne! Thanks!
I have the SAME issue – pear shaped – if it fits in the ass/hips, I’m floating in yards of fabric on top! If it fits in the bust, I am bursting at the seams on bottom. It’s pretty much separates or nothing.
The great thing about social events like baby showers and weddings is that the people who invited you know you, and likely don’t expect you to change for their event. So don’t feel so much pressure to be someone different!
And if you’re looking for solutions to the style question, black is always acceptable. I’ve been to many events wearing a black dress and mary janes, and no complaints that I’m not dressed right.
I haven’t completed the transition. I always hated clubs, bars in this city play annoying music annoyingly loud, I like drinking but I ‘ve began hating getting drunk so I’ve pretty much stopped that.
thing is, I haven’t found any activity to replace my hanging out like I used to, my life is in a sort of vacuum right now. I tried becoming a super organizing freak, but it’s such a headache. So this had been my hobby lately, guess I’ll try to go back to some of my healthy old ways because I seriously feel like I can’t be someone I’m not. Aaagghh.
I had to get it off my chest
You’re not alone. My husband has been struggling with the transition lately too. Is this what they call a “quarter life crisis”?
I’ve always been on the more low-key side of things. Going to the bar to drink with friends on a Saturday night has always been an option, but even when I was 20 I didn’t want to do it every damn week. I’ve always just felt there’s too much variety out there to stick to only one pastime, and as much as I am totally terrified of getting older, I feel this helps alleviate any worry about how I’m spending my free time. Lately for some reason I find myself wanting to take up activities I loved as a kid, like board games and little crafts. It also helps that the crowd at our chosen bar has aged with us instead of constantly bringing out new crowds of 18-22 year olds, so even when we do go out we never feel out of place.
“Stagnation isn’t youth. You can’t stay 21 (or 25, or 30, etc.) forever. Personal evolution is awesome!” – this is so important to me. I would feel kind of sad if I were doing the exact same things that I was doing in my 20’s (I’m in my 40’s, now).
I meet new people, have new experiences, learn, evolve, and with those evolutions come new interests, new ways of experiencing life. I’ve lost interest in some things, gained interest in some things, and sometimes I even have regained lost interests. My bigger concern is that I occasionally allow my professional life to take up so much time, space and energy that I don’t allow CHANGE to happen. I don’t care that I don’t go out all hours of the night, but I am bothered by the fact that being exhausted by work may prevent me from experiencing and learning new things.
Yep. I
“Stagnation isn’t youth.”
This. Make it into a bumpersticker and slap it on those motorcycles so often purchased by a certain demographic.
I just turned 31 and am largely ignoring it, continuing to do what I do and have been doing since my 20’s – seeing live music, playing records in a public setting, and drinking lots of coffee. A lot of other readers are responding to the nightlife aspect of this article, but I’ve never been all that into clubbing or nightlife, but more into arts and music. I really don’t forsee my age EVER impacting my love of listening to and enjoying music and playing it for others.
The only thing that I did a lot of in my 20’s that I have toned down a bit is wearing outrageously whimsical clothes. I’ve become increasingly embarrassed about wearing cutesy stuff because I get the sense it is seen as baby-ish for grown women to wear cutesy stuff (see the backlash against Zooey Deschanel’s whimsy) Thus I put away my giant fluffy pink bear hat and haven’t worn it in years. I still wear bright, garish colors though, albeit in a stylish fashion. I can’t give up my bright, 70’s hues!
I really enjoyed this article and the comments–it is nice to know I’m not alone in dealing with this and that people have so many different approaches.
For me, the recession hit right in my mid-twenties and there was also some sad things that happened to my family at that time, so when I turned 30, I felt resentful that my twenties hadn’t been as carefree and fun and full of hobbies as I thought they were “supposed” to be. Most my post-college twenties years were spent taking care of people I loved, holding down three badly paying jobs, and scrambling financially while watching a lot of my friends lose houses, jobs, etc. But I learned a lot, my relationships are stronger for having dealt with adversity, and now as my life stabilizes a bit I appreciate the things I have more and I feel more “free” at 31 than I did at 25. For me, turning aging has meant being able to pursue my interests more, rather than put them on hold because I’m in survival mode.
I’m so much happier at 36 than I was in my teens and twenties. No pressure to do the party thing (which I always hated and pretended to love) or be anything other than who I am. Since I’m self-employed, I wear whatever I want, and I finally have the mohawk my mom wouldn’t let me get. 😉 Plus, I always wanted to be a writer and gay, both of which were frowned upon. Now I’m a writer and engaged to a woman. For me, it hasn’t been so much about holding on to the things that mattered when I was younger, it’s about having the freedom to express them. I’m more of a weirdo than ever, and loving the hell out of my thirties!
I was actually a tad disappointed to read so many comments about how “We never liked going out, or being sociable in clubs/raves/bars anyway”… I’m the kind of person who sometimes desperately misses big social events with loud music and karaoke. I thoroughly enjoyed going out and partying with friends, and with me currently being a few months away from turning 25, most of my friends are still carrying on just that way… But I have a toddler to think about and so the transition for me has been very difficult. I adore my daughter, but once she’s asleep and it’s dark outside, sometimes I get really lonely and nostalgic. I’m also in an unfortunate situation in that I don’t have grandparents around that can take the baby overnight or even past maybe 8 30 pm, so that’s not even an option for me. I like the original post here a lot, but are there more people out there who DID enjoy the wild side, big crowds and craziness when they were younger, who are now figuring out how to reconcile that with being a mature adult/good parent and partner?
Bryn, when I was a single mom, I, too, felt the need to go out and party, and I missed it, terribly. One thing that really saved me was finding another mom to “trade kids” with. She would watch my daughter on friday nights, and then I’d watch her kids for several hours on Saturday afternoons, so she could go out and have some time to herself. I don’t know anything about your situation, but I thought I’d throw that out there, in case you’ve got an awesome mom friend or two.
I first encountered this a few years ago when my soon-to-be stepmother invited me out for Girls’ Night. We did have a good time, but I realized that I wasn’t enjoying the partying atmosphere nearly as much as I used to do. In large part, this was because, for good or ill, a big draw for me was the attention that comes with being an attractive woman out partying with her friends. I realized that since getting married, I no longer sought that type of attention from anyone but my husband, and therefore, going out without him just wasn’t fun.
This was a big paradigm shift for me. Almost as big a shift as overcoming my early socialization and admitting that I consider myself an “attractive woman”, but that’s another post entirely.
So, as far as adapting goes, I started going out only when my husband could come, because it just wasn’t fun otherwise. And then we had baby#2, and “going out” at all came to a screeching halt. Not because of any moral objection to babysitters (after all, I left baby #1 with my dad for a year while I deployed!) but because of… well… inertia? It’s just so much damn work to go out!
But! We have done one thing that I love. We reserve the right to take a “grown up only” vacation every year. The past two years, it’s been to Dragon Con in Atlanta, GA. We leave the kiddos with grandparents for the long weekend, and we tear it up hard enough to make our 22-year old selves proud.
And then we spend the following week recovering, but that’s neither here nor there.
having children caused the biggest shift in my lifestyle – the best way I found to adjust to not being able to pursue my interests in the same way as I had was to share my interests with my children. Ok, no time to be in theatre productions, but I threw killer birthday parties with costumes, sets, and theme cakes – all with their direction and involvement. now all of my boys can bake a lovely birthday cake. and we all enjoyed going nuts on Halloween costumes! my husband built them guitars and taught them to play. we all took up archery so we shared our love of the woods and camping while pursuing those interests with our children instead of our friends the way we had before. this gave us concentrated time together away from work and chores. it made me feel we really know our children and they know us.
now the children are grown and my husband and I have found a new interest in Steampunk culture which the kids do not share. we don’t have much time to pursue it, but we go to local events when we can and add steampunk style to the house. we even created tentacles to frame the bathroom mirror with plasticene clay with glass baubles for suction cups!
maybe the key to being Ok with aging is not to become complacent but continue pursuing interests even if the interests, and schedule, shift.
Yay to expressing your true self at any age! I’m 45, and after a lull in my 30’s, I find I want to go out dancing like I did in my 20’s. I want to color my hair blue or purple or red. I want to go wandering around the world. I want to do ALL THE THINGS I didn’t have time/money for when I was younger. I’ve gone from reading and dancing and cross-stitch (teens) to reading and dancing and cooking (20’s) to reading and crocheting and quilting (30’s) to reading and dancing and travelling (40’s).
This is a nice article. I really like the idea that being a weird person is a lifelong passion, and has no expiration date. I’m 41, and I have 3 little kids, and they are so fun. I run around outdoor sculptures on purpose. We got really into the Titanic for a couple weeks and built models, watched documentaries, read books, and made renenactment videos. We were all Star Wars characters for Halloween. Other Halloweens I made a stroller into a fire truck and a pirate ship, both with lights. I still go to tap dance class once a week, and I’m making a paper mache snowy owl. Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts and camping, outdoor cooking, and theme weekends.