Mommy had an abortion #It worked for me#abortion#grown ups#parenting choices#parenting dilemmas#pregnancy September 24 2010 | Guest post by Sarah Tuttle-Singer By: Hammerin Man – CC BY 2.0 The first time I peed on a stick, I was a freshman in college. I did what many other girls in my situation would do: I chose dating. I chose parties. (Eventually, I chose a major.) I chose to move on with my life. I chose to have an abortion. And, just like that, I was lying on the exam table, my legs in stirrups where I stared at a picture of fuzzy kittens taped to the ceiling while the doctor prodded me with a transvaginal ultrasound dildo in order to determine just how far along I was so that we could plan the "procedure" accordingly. Having seen so many romantic comedies, I had thought ultrasounds were all done over the belly while the mama beamed and the papa looked a little constipated. I remember wishing I had known that early pregnancy ultrasounds were more, involved. I would have shaved my legs and painted my toenails. I remember wanting to cringe and cry at the same time. I remember clinging to frivolous thoughts like a life preserver, not wanting to think about what this ultrasound really meant. "Don't look at the screen," the doctor said as she turned it away. But I already had: I had seen a wriggling little blob with leg and arm buds. And a flickering heartbeat. Still, it was almost too easy — after all, I convinced myself, this thing wasn't a baby. It was just a clump of cells trying to take over my body. I never wavered in my choice not to be pregnant. And that was that. The end. Period. Related Post Yes, we did it: turning the car seat around before the age of 1 Everyone's more than a little touchy when it comes to car seat rules, and we made our decision based on what we perceived as being... Read more For the next several years, I was too busy boozing and bed-hopping to think seriously about babies, so I popped birth control pills like breath mints, and carried more condoms in my purse than chewing gum. Even though I wasn't ready to become a mama, I could still hear the tick-tock-tick-tock of my biological clock, faint, but insidious, like a faucet dripping on the other side of the house. And then I got a little older, and my biological clock got a little louder. I ditched the leather pants and halter tops, along with Dirk, and Chip, and Biff, for more appropriate clothes, and guys I could actually introduce to my parents without giving them a coronary. Eventually, I was domesticated. And that's when the baby talk got all grown up. "So, when do you think you guys will have kids?" someone asked about five minutes after my husband and I had drunk the wine from the ceremonial Kiddush cup and kissed under the traditional Jewish wedding canopy. "Oh, who knows. I mean, we aren't trying to get pregnant, but we're not not trying either," I said cavalierly, as unbeknownst to me, a teeny tiny blastocyst was burrowing deep in my uterus. And then, a few days after celebrating a pee-soaked plus sign on a pregnancy stick, I started bleeding. "So, I see you have some spotting," the doctor said when I went in for an urgent-care appointment. "Is this your first pregnancy?" "No." "How many other children do you have?" "None." "Did you have a previous miscarriage?" "No." "Oh." "Yeah. Back in 2000." I didn't elaborate. "Hmm… ok. Well, let's take a look." He said. "Scooch all the way down…" The doctor stuck the transvaginal ultrasound wand inside me, wriggled it around, looked at the ultrasound screen and said "Hmmm." ("Hmmm" is not what you want to hear when your doctor is looking for signs of life in your uterus. Just saying.) "Well, I think that's your baby" he said pointing to a blurry grey bean floating in a sea of black. "There isn't a heartbeat, but it looks like you're just really early. Come back here next week for another ultrasound. By then, we'll have a clearer idea of what's happening." He printed out a picture of the ultrasound image and stuck it in my file. "Can I have one, please?" I asked. I tried not to cry as I traced my finger over the fuzzy grey blob that might or might not be alive. I took the picture home and framed it. After a week of excruciating uncertainty, my doctor discovered that my baby-to-be was, in fact, alive. And while I exulted over my baby's twinkling heartbeat and danced down the halls of the OBGYN department, it hit me hard: How could I see one fetus as "just a clump of cells" and another as "my baby." There are a thousand different reasons why I do not regret my decision to have an abortion once upon a Freshman year. And I am grateful that I was able to make that choice in a safe way, under the auspices of a reputable doctor and not in the clutches of a back alley butcher or alone in a room with a wire coat hanger. And while I pray that no government in the United States will ever strip a woman of her right to choose, falling in love with my wanted first baby for the first time on the ultrasound monitor changed the way I feel about when life begins. It was the ultimate mind-fuck, and I spent the entire pregnancy trying to come to terms with it. Even now while I sit here with the laptop and watch my two and a half year old daughter sleep, I still can't quite wrap my head around the enormity of this paradox. And I don't think I ever will. Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Guest post written by Sarah Tuttle-Singer Sarah Tuttle-Singer is an LA Expat (reluctantly) growing roots in Israel. She's learning to love being an outsider: After all, the view from the edge is exquisite. Fueled by a double-shot latte, she (over)shares her (mis)adventures across the Internet, including on Kveller.com, Times of Israel, Jezebel, and Offbeat Families. She is dangerous when bored. http://www.kveller.com/blog/author/sarah-tuttle-singer/ PREVIOUS Figuring out when to stop: a couple's struggle with infertility NEXT A guide for preparing to conceive Show/Hide comments [ 108 ] Wow. If I didnt know better I would have thought I would have written this myself. I had my "procedure" 5 years ago and I am now pregnant again with my husband. Things are more perfect this go around. I feel like I never felt like the first baby WAS a baby and I love this one oh so much already and im only 7 weeks. Its crazy. Reply congratulations on your pregnancy! and thank you for the comment… 🙂 – sarah Reply Thank you for this! I think that it is so rare that we hear the voices of women who have had abortions and aren't mouth-pieces for the religious right! 1/3 of all women will have an abortion and yet it is like a brick wall of shame and secrecy keeps us from telling our stories unless we promise to tell a story of complete contrition and regret full of sobbing. I, like you, am part of that 1/3. I don't regret my decision, in the sense that I know that I was not ready to be a mother, but I understand that it was not a simple, uncomplicated decision. Hell, it was one of the most complicated decisions of my life. But I am thankful that ultimately it was a decision I made without the interference of the state, but with the guidance of my God, my doctor, and my conscience. Perhaps, I made the wrong choice, but I thank whatever rules the universe each day that it was my choice to make. P.S. I wish I was as brave as you. Reply Hi K, I don't think your stats are right. I believe it's more like 3% of all women who have abortions, not 30%. Just wanted to point that out for the sake of accuracy. I'm sorry about your heartbreak. I can't imagine what a difficult decision to make that was. Nat Reply Nope…I think I am right on this one: http://www.prochoice.org/about_abortion/facts/women_who.html#3 (the source they cite is a lot less obviously biased than the source I am posting here. Ijust can't find the link for the former). Reply Wow, that's an amazing forecast for the US. I had assumed you meant worldwide. Please include the rest of us next time you say 'all women'! 🙂 Reply Opps! I was thinking in the US….and I didn't type it. The crazy thing is I have been an ex-pat longer than I lived in the States! I was shocked to read this statistic, too – and believe it or not, 60% of all women who have abortions are ALREADY mothers. Maybe try these unbiased stats collected by the Center for Deisease Control and Prevention. "The abortion rate for 2006 was 16.1 legal induced abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44 years." That equals 1.61%. http://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/data_stats/index.htm Reply Just pointing out that the commenter was referring to percentage of women who have had abortions during their reproductive lifetime and your link was for a percentage of abortions to pregnancies per year, which are measuring two different things. Dear K – I was very touched by your beautiful comment. Thank you. Best, sarah Reply I was hoping that someone would breach the wall of silence this week and I am so glad to read your story. I think there are alot of us out there that have been in your position, who don't talk about it, ever. It is so hard because it is SO CONTROVERSIAL, I know if my mother ever found out, her heart would be ripped out, but I wish I could say it out loud, so that she would know because she is my mother. You are braver than I am a million times over. I've wanted to tell my story so I can stop thinking about it late at night when I can't sleep, when I look at my daughter who has the love of three babies, one who wasn't and one who was lost. I am just too afraid of the judgment that inevitably comes. We have hard and terrible decisions in life but we can only go forward knowing that we did what was best and being glad that there is a choice to be made at all. Thank you for giving us a voice! Reply You know, it has always been my belief (and my comfort) that the children you are meant to have will come to you, whether it be the first time, or another time when you're more ready, if that makes sense. Perhaps the third time was a charm for you (and second, for original poster.) Reply Absolutely! Reply I believe so too. Reply what a beautiful way of putting it… – sarah Reply what a beautiful, moving comment. thank you for the kind words… best, sarah Reply thank you for writing this. Reply Thank you for writing this. It's so important for people to realize that most women who have abortions do go on to have children – when they are ready (I forget the actual statistic, but I think it's something like 80%). Or they already have children! My mom had an abortion after her first two children, and she said though it was a difficult decision, she doesn't regret it. I had a scare when I was 17…I'm lucky that it was just a scare, but I had already decided what I'd do before I'd even peed on the stick. I'm fine with folks who don't think they would ever have an abortion (although I'd argue you can never truly know how you'd feel until you were in the situation)…fine, don't have one. But don't make that decision for everyone else. Reply thank you so much for your comment … Reply Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Reply I had an aborton when I was 16, then at 19 has my son. I still regret the abortion, but it's gettng easer to deal with everyday. suffered from terrible depression afterwards. For all of you that have had one and are suffering from t, or just need some support, ths website is amazng. http://www.afterabortion.com/message.html I don't work for them or anything, I just wanted to share. Reply thank you for sharing this tremendous resource. best, sarah Reply A tough story to share and something many, many women go through, choosing one at one point in time and another at a different time. This is probably the hardest choice anyone ever makes, so thanks for talking about it. I wish women could talk about this choice with other women without being forced to wear the shame shroud. A related hard choice I'd like to see discussed is what to tell your children about the subject, do you tell them in effort to help them not have to make that decision? Do you share with them so they know if/when they have to make that choice, they know they can talk to you, because you have been there and you do understand. Or do you perpetuate the stigma in an effort to hide your own shame/discomfort with your decision.* *Note, not you, the poster specifically, I mean the general you. Reply My mom told me her story when I was a sophomore in college. Because of trauma in my own past, I was having a great difficulty with having sex for the first time. My mom took me to a Home Town Buffet and we sat there for two hours while my mom shared all the happiness and pain (of love and boys) she's ever gone through starting from elementary school to after my dad. She was finally completely honest with me. Before, when I was younger, she had told me she had a miscarriage, but now I know she had an abortion. For her it's the same sadness, having to give up a child that she loved. Having her tell me her story really changed our relationship. I was becoming an adult and our bond became much stronger. I'm very glad she told me, because when I did get pregnant, I was able to tell without fear. And I'm so happy to say, that since the moment the doctor told me I was pregnant, my mom has only shown me full support and complete love! Reply you've raised a very interesting question – and yes, i think i will tell my children the truth as a way of opening a dialogue. not sure how that conversation will go though — i mean, do i start off by telling my oldest, "believe it or not, you might have been a middle child?" (ok, not funny, but still…) best, sarah Reply I think you'll find it may vary by child. My mom was date raped when she was 16 and had an abortion as a result. Then in her early 20's she had another after a careless one night stand. She has three daughters now. As her oldest, when I was a sophomore or so in college she told me about both of them. She only told my middle sister about the first. She was too afraid of her judgement. I think my youngest sister probably knows about both because she had one herself when she was 18 but I don't really know. There's a bumper sticker I've seen floating around a couple times that says "Thank God your mom was pro-life" and it makes me laugh every time I see it. I'm thankful she wasn't. I know I wouldn't be here if she wasn't. Reply My mother told me about her abortion when I told her that I was pregnant and had an abortion scheduled for later that week. It didn't surprise me that she had had one, since so many of us have, and I'm glad she shared with me. It helped me not to feel so alone in what I was doing or going through. Reply I was hoping this choice would be talked about on choices week, thank you for sharing your experience. Reply "Proud" is the wrong word, but I'm certainly not ashamed of my decision to have an abortion. I feel like those of us who speak about our experience are always expected to do so with some sense of solemnity, even regret, and definitely shame. I appreciate your straightforwardness and your humor! And thanks to Offbeat Mama for having the guts to approach such a controversial topic. Reply i know exactly how you feel. proud sounds like the wrong word, but i can't even describe how empowered i felt to be both in control of my own life, and to do so in a place that was SO pro-woman, supportive, and helpful. strangely enough it's this sense of community i experienced with my own abortion that has led me to pursue midwifery as a career.. if i can help one woman feel as strong and safe as i felt that day, i can die happy. Reply Having the choice and facing the difficulty of that choice is something to be proud of. I don't know if this makes sense to others who have not had an abortion, but having my child wouldn't mean as much if it had been my only option. Reply Such a brave and beautiful post. Reply I… yeah. Some deep down part of me is terrified of getting pregnant, because I don't "deserve" it after choosing once to not be pregnant. Having an abortion was the right thing to do and I wouldn't change it if I could. But. Yeah. I think I need to do a lot of deep thinking on this one. Thank you for sharing your story. Reply i had those feelings too! thank you for sharing – best, sarah Reply Thank You! Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for the candidness of this post and thank you so much for sharing this personal story. There are alot of us women out there who have been through this; it is refreshing to be able to talk about an abortion with out feeling ostracized to point of keeping your feeling in so that you do not offend people with your decision. (That’s how I felt with my peers and people I chose to open up to about my situation) and to feel like you are not alone is so very nice. So again I thank you! Reply i too have really struggled with this concept of "offending" people with my decision. the biggest part of my healing was talking about it, but i became so enraged at the idea of offending other people with a choice of my own that will never affect them. or not talking about it for fear of politicizing a situation… what is political about my body? what is offensive about my right to be an individual? i really began to feel (and still do) that not talking about it just continues to keep it in the dark and perpetuates the idea we all have in our heads that we shouldn't talk about it because it IS offensive, and then wrong. it makes me mad to even type it because it doesn't just ostracize women who have had abortions; it ostracizes WOMEN. but obviously, in real life, we are ostracized further for expressing that outrage. grumble. Reply this. times. infinity. Reply Thank you so much for sharing your story so honestly. I had my daughter at 18, I was supposed to have a "procedure" too but i was much further along then they initially thought. When I look at my wonderful little girl…that still haunts me a little bit, i dont know what i would do without her. P.S. nobody told me about that first ultrasound either! Reply Thank you for this! I've gone through all the choices, but in a strange order. First I got pregnant and gave my baby up for adoption. people always wanna praise this decision, and tell me that I did 'the right thing', which makes me really angry for multiple reasons not least because about two years after that I got pregnant again, same dad and everything (I think this happened because we were both so destroyed by the adoption that we just stayed stoned for three years, and so we slipped up… again) and I got an abortion. And I'll tell you the abortion was way easier…. way… and I think that's okay, and I don't think I, or any woman should have to apologize for that. i think that getting the abortion was 'the right thing' to do. I don't even tell myself that it was a sack of cells. I think it was a baby-baby that I decided that I wasn't ready to hand my body over to for the next nine months, and I wasn't ready to hand the rest of my life or my heart over to it either. I just couldn't. My husband (new and different prospective baby-daddy) and I are going to start trying to conceive in December. I want a baby so badly… so so so very badly, and I too am terrified. what if I've effed up my reproductive system? what if now that I'm 30 and not 19 I'm not fertile anymore? what if I missed my only chances? All of this is possible. I'm just hoping that I actually get to be a mamma someday soon. Reply i had similar fears before getting pregnant. after extensive research (believe me, i have graduated from google medical school) i have learned that there is very little correlation between past abortion and trouble conceiving. that said, i understand that the fear will remain until you see a plus sign on a pregnancy test… i'm thinking good thoughts for you. Reply hahahah "i have graduated from google medical school" i LOVE this Reply For me it's also not about thinking it was a cluster of cells one time, and thinking of it as a baby the next. Regardless of what you think of it as being, it's still my body, my life, and my choice. So instead of thinking of it as essentially different in form, I just would think of it as different in context and situation, if that makes sense. Reply I loved this. My entire pregnancy has had a shadow of guilt about an abortion I had years ago. I call this "the myth" the idea that I can't have a happy, healthy child because I had an abortion. I appreciate you writing this. Thank you. Reply I'm so glad to see this up here. I am not a mother (yet) but someday I plan/hope to be and I too got an abortion when I got pregnant and was way too young to handle it (19.. eek). I feel sadness over my abortion but in no way do I regret it. It was an unfortunate choice I had to make and while I made the right one for me (and for my family in the future.. I feel like because I chose to abort I can provide my future children with the life they deserve) it doesn't erase the fact that it was a painful one. I wonder what I will tell my children, or even if I will. Honestly though, kudos to OBM and to the author for putting this up. Given the large amount of women in the US who get abortions, and thus probably a large number who then go on to be mothers, this is a subject that there's sadly too little dialogue about. Reply I know what you mean about being an expert on everything that I was sure was going to go horribly wrong and checking on your kids (or in my case, kid) in the middle of the night. I will randomly wake up with this horrifying feeling that I'm going to go into my son's room and he's going to be dead, and I can't think about anything else until I check. Luckily he snores really loud for a 4-year-old. Reply Thank you for sharing your story. I encourage you to submit it to 45 Million Voices, a non-profit website that is trying to eliminate the stigma, shame, and silence surrounding abortion. Their website is: http://45millionvoices.org. I submitted mine and I hope you decide to do the same. Reply Wow! I could never imagine being so brave to share a story such as yours. Although I've never had an abortion, we [me and my finance] contemplated the idea when we found out that we were pregnant. I ended up telling him that I couldn't go through it, mainly because we were already planning our wedding and planning to spend our lives together. I couldn't imagine getting rid of one child because we aren't ready and then down the road having one when we were. However, I probably would of if we weren't in committed relationship with one another. I have a friend who had an abortion three months before we found out we were pregnant [which made it extremely hard for me to tell her, but she was so excited for us!]. She decided to go through with it because she didn't love the man she would of had the baby with, it was a one night stand. She wanted to be able to have a husband and a family later on in life without having to stay in contact with this other man because of there "one night stand baby". I wish more people would talk about abortions. Its such a big decision and done for a lot of different reasons. I think most people think of it as something that is used as an excuse to sleep around without being smart about it. Thank you for sharing your story! Reply I am one of those ppl who would "never have" and abortion…but thats because i've always had family support and now am married and have a wonderful 1yr old daughter and trying for another. I dont judge you for your desicion and commend you on being brave enough to share your story. Sometimes its just not meant to be. i definitely protest using abortions as birth control (ive known some who have), but as a once in a lifetime thing, i dont have the right to tell anyone. somtimes ppl just arent ready and adoption wouldnt be an answer. Good luck to you and God bless!!! Reply With respect to your views on this, it is important to remember that even women who have family support or are married or already parents opt for this difficult and extremely personal choice. My parents were completely behind my decision (they would have been there if I hadn't chosen to terminate my pregnancy, too). At 17 years old, I knew I could not parent well, and I do not have regrets. And to be honest, I would imagine few women use such a life-changing decision as birth control. I really feel that is an argument perpetuated far too frequently and at the detriment of productive dialogue around this topic. I appreciate your comment, I just wanted to gently offer a different perspective. Reply Thank you so much for saying this so eloquently. I wholeheartedly agree. Reply I understand why people don't like the combination of "birth control" and "abortion." I understand that pro-life people use it as a way to negatively describe abortions, but I think it's important to be honest about this issue, and honestly, abortions are a form of birth control, a very important form. It's a woman's final "control" over whether or not she gives birth. It's probably the most important one, and unfortunately, the least understood. Thanks to all the women who have shared their stories on this article. Reply I guess what I don't agree with is the air of judgement that goes along with people accusing others of using abortion as birth control. It's not in the word choice, but the implications of the words. Although I don't think it's a great idea to have abortion after abortion, I also don't really think someone who makes the series of choices that lead to multiple 'birth control' abortions is in the kind of state where they would be a good parent. I don't know that there are a lot of women who actually do use abortions as birth control, but I have known one in my time, and there would be a whole lot more broken little humans out there if she had gone through with any of those pregnancies. It's no doubt done her a lot of emotional and physical damage, but it has saved a lot of innocent people from being brought into her destructive life before she was capable of turning things around… For what it's worth, I've had an abortion too, and it was absolutely the right decision for me 10 years ago. I'm pregnant again now, in much better circumstances, and I don't regret for a minute that decision of a decade ago. Reply I really can't imagine that women use abortion as some kind of regular birth control method. In most parts of the world it's not easy to get an abortion. Reply You couldn't have put it better. Thank you for this. Its reassuring I'm not the only one. I'm 7 weeks pregnant now and couldn't be happier but like you I have a almost obsession with karma coming to bite me in the ass. My abortion was over 6 years ago now and I stand by my decision. Glad I read this. Many thanks xx Reply …I'm still waiting for the right time, the right place. In the middle of the night sometimes I wonder if that abortion was the only chance I was going to have, if that was it, if I've passed on what was to be the only one. Thank you for writing this, I feel less like the only one… Reply I felt like that for a really long time myself, but it did eventually happen and I hope that it will for you too <3 Reply it is a terrifying feeling, isn't it? but, everything will be ok. Reply <3 hang in there, that time and place will come if you keep wanting it and making space for it. it may take a while, it will be worth however long it takes and however it ends up looking. i had an abortion when i was 24, yes when people generally think you are plenty old enough to face motherhood, i clearly was not and no way would i be able to let go for adoption, i know my limits. i was for sure getting worried as time marched on, but kept working on improving my life, and had my daughter at 37. she is amazing. i will never forget what i went through, and when i saw my daughter's 8 week ultrasound, i grieved a bit all over again (they didn't do that ultrasound when i had the abortion back in 1995, however i did demand to see what had been removed, which was apparently not a standard request). i have to believe the whole story from then to now has made me a stronger and better equipped mother. Reply Thanks so much for sharing this. I just had an abortion last year, at 24, and I'm married! I feel like people might have a lot of judgement about that since it's not like I was 17 and underprepared in all the typical ways people think of first. And I definitely have felt that sense of "was that my only chance?!" – but I really believe now there's no reason that it has to be, and reading your story only affirms that. Thanks again! Reply My own mother was very frank with me about her abortion (years before I was born). She always said, "it was hard, but if I'd had that baby, I wouldn't have you, and you were meant to be my child." Reply what a beautiful comment – and yes, i feel that way about my kids, too… Reply That's a wonderful way of putting it. When I was 20, jobless, broke, on the verge of homeless and 3 months into a new relationship, I had a termination…. now, I'm 23, doing what I want, living in a gorgeous house with the same guy on the verge of getting engaged. I always worried and wondered how I would explain to our future children about the one that couldn't happen, but your comment said what I feel better than I could have. Thank you. Reply I've had an abortion before, and I've worked in abortions clinics, and it is SO fantastic that you are able to share your story about abortion, and the ways the decision is difficult, and how it is the best choice for some people sometimes. Reply Thank you so much for sharing this. Everyone makes the decision they think is right for them. My mother had me at seventeen, but later had two abortions, and then had another daughter. She never told my sister and me about the abortions, and I don't think she ever would have because of the stigma that is so often associated with getting an abortion. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to make those decisions, but I can understand her rationale behind it. My father actually told my sister and me, but in a negative way, trying to alienate us from our mother. It didn't work, but it made me appreciate my mother and what her life had been like. Kudos to you for being brave enough to share and for making the decision that was right for you. Reply Thank you for sharing your story so honestly Reply Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story. Reply While I can't say the same for the comments, I loved how unbiased the article was. As an adoptee, (who is probably only an adoptee cuz my biomom didn't realize she was pregnant until way late in the game) it can be really hurtful when people sit there and talk about abortion like "It was the right choice" and "I have no regret" and such things. Logically, I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it still hits hard. I have wondered to myself many a time if my biomom had known about her pregnancy earlier if she would be saying those same things. It just seems so callous. I sometimes wonder if the same people who say that would be able to say it to my face… something like, "Oh yeah, if your biomom had wanted to abort you then it would have been the best choice for her." It makes me want to scream, "Well what about me? Damn it!" (uber selfish, but whatever). Anyways, off my rant-box, I just wanted to say that I loved how your post encompassed the emotions of the decision rather than the politics behind it. And I also wanted to say that I think we can all agree (pro-choice/pro-life/indifferent) that it doesn't matter whether you had one or not, you can still be an awesome mom now! Reply i hear you. i also implore you to consider that most of us who have made this decision did not do it lightly, did not do it without love, will have the "ghost of potential" in our hearts for the rest of our lives, and when we say that we made the "right decision" do not in the least mean to be callous nor presume to feel anything about our situation applies to the choices others have made. i feel horrible about getting into the position of having to make that choice, and did the best *i* could. my mother was "not supposed to have me", did it anyway, and left me at 15 months. eventually my dad checked out, too, my older brother was also removed from the picture (schizophrenic and dangerous), and i was raised by a stepmom that adopted me and was horribly abusive. there are many many ways all of this can turn out, and none of us know when we have to face down the decision what the long term outcomes of our choices will be, nor what the outcomes of the things we do not choose would have been. that is part of what makes it so profoundly agonizing and painful. i am very glad that the choice your biological mother made for you turned out well, that she had the confidence and strength to bring you into the world and let go sooner than she would have had to in other circumstances and trust that someone else would do right by you, and that you ended up in good hands to be here and speak your experience. i am also glad that all of us have the choice to weigh all of these potential scenarios and do the best we can to make a decision we can live with. Reply your comment really touches me – thank you. i'm glad that my story resonated with you. Best, sarah Reply I think I'm a bit at the other end of the spectrum. I'm adopted and I don't find those saying bother me in the least. I'm not trying to trivialize your feelings or anything, but rather add my own perspective about how an adoptee can feel. I've gone rounds on this with my mother who, while while thinking it should remain a safe legal option, thinks abortions is wrong on a moral level. (Not fighting, just thoughtful debate, mostly.) I know our difference stems from my agnosticism versus her belief in a higher power and a type of fate. It's such a complex issue. Reply Wow…I am so amazed at how right on this story (and a lot of the comments)is. I have a 2mo and I am so scared that something is going to go wrong because of the choice I made 3 years ago(which at the time was the right one). It's hard to cope when you aren't sure if you did anything wrong… Reply All too often the mother's life is forgotten when people make arguments about abortion. I worked at a facility with pregnant and mothering teenagers that were in the state's custody. Many of them wished they had gotten abortions but were pressured by their families to keep the babies. Then their families didn't help them and they ended up having multiple difficulties and coming to residential care to live. I watched their shame as people shook their heads at them in grocery stores, I watched them struggle to learn their baby's cues, and I watched them suffer from depression and anxiety, raising children at 13 and 14 without a clue what they were doing. They only have a 50/50 chance of graduating high school. Their children are more likely to drop out, to become criminals, to go on welfare, and to suffer from depression and anxiety. But none of this matters, right? Because their children are alive and that's supposed to be awesome, so say many pro-lifers. Yet you'll also hear some of the same pro-lifers complain about paying for welfare, and you'll rarely ever see them volunteering at places like I worked at. In short – great post. Reply I disagree. The most vocal pro-lifers are generally the extremists… aka it is about the baby, and only the baby. However, most pro-lifers you will come across that aren't super vocal about being pro-life believe that abortion is a sign that something is wrong with our society. We aren't taking care of one of our greatest "resources" – our mothers. I mean, when you speak to someone about why they have an abortion, many of them will say things like cost, wanting to go to school, not in a stable relationship so worried about how to care for child, etc. In many cases it isn't that they don't want the baby, it is that they are worried they can't have a baby and still leave a productive life. And sadly, that is in many cases true unless they are willing to pursue adoption. I guess my point is that most people I know that are pro-life consider abortion as a symptom of a much larger societal problem. Reply You guys, let's see if we can avoid turning this into a pro-choice vs. pro-life political debate. This article isn't about politics — it's about one woman's very personal story. Reply Your right Ariel, sorry. I do agree that this post is much more about the experience versus the politics and that is what should be focused on. Reply I didn't mean to be too political in my comment. The problem is that the politics are personal to me, and the article made it hard for me to keep my very passionate standing on abortion quiet. For me, just like the author, it's a very personal issue and I feel obligated to be a voice for the young girls I worked with – on any platform that is relevant. Reply it is very hard to separate the personal from the political. best, sarah Reply how can this conversation not turn into a pro-life and pro-choice debate? How can this NOT be political? Why are you shying away from political debate on a website that touts itself as being offbeat? Why is politicizing a personal decision wrong? Reply Joy, why am I "shying away" from political debate? Simply put: this isn't a political website. There are puh-LENTY of places to debate online about all sorts of personal-as-political issues, but Offbeat Mama isn't one of them, and never has been. I'm not interested in discussions that divide my readers. Have you read our mission statement and values? I respect that my focus on lighter, non-political parenting talk may not be a perfect fit for everyone — that's cool. You can find plenty of other websites where you can get into debate about parenting politics. Reply I don't think a mom's life is forgotten like Kay mentioned. I just think we need to be able to make the right decision since the beginning. I had my son when I was 18 years and I'm a christian and pro-life. I actually had the father of my baby offer to pay for an abortion, but it was my choice to say no. I was nervous and scared and wasn't sure exactly how to raise a son or how to provide for him. Certainly working at a macdonald's with mimnimum wage wasn't going to give me enough income to support both of us, but I had to try to do better for him and for me. My idea behind it (and please know that I'm not trying to be unsensitive or mean with this comment)was that if I was mature enough to have sex and to make the decision of having sex, then I should be mature enough to deal with the consecuences of the decision I made. I'm married and have two more daughters now and I tell them every day that everything you do in life has a consequence, if you are not ready to deal with them then don't put yourself in a situation where you would have to. I know first hand how hard it is to raise a baby when you young, inmature and without a college degree. When all you wanna do is go party or go out with your friends, but first you have to make sure you have a babysitter. But I don't regret my decision, it was my way of not taking the easy way out and respect life as it comes. Reply Babies should be much more than just 'consequences' though, right? Also, I respectfully disagree that having an abortion is by any means an 'the easy way out'. It is a tremendously difficult and complicated decision (as seen from the mountain of comments on this post). No decision is easy, and I applaud the women here who have been speaking out about their experiences. Too often, women are shamed and guilted into hiding this part of their life journey. I think it is wonderful that you (and for the time being, everyone, hooray!) have the ability to make the best choice for themselves, their family, and their situation. When we tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her body (or shame her into making decisions), we are sacrificing respect for the woman, her life, and her decisions (to 'respect life as it comes'). Being mature enough to have sex does not necessarily equal being mature enough to have a child. Though one's body may be able to physically reproduce, it does not mean that they are ready financially or emotionally, to raise that child. There are many different variables that come into raising a child, including that fact that some women may want to remain childless throughout their life (and in this case, should they abstain from sexual activity completely?). I think babies should be wanted*, loved, and much much more than just 'consequences' of sexual activity. *this is not to say that all children should be planned. In many cases, joyful accidents are just that, joyful, wonderful, accidents! Reply My daughter is 2 years old. She is really awesome. When I was 19 and first started dating my husband, we had an abortion. I think about it often. Watching my daughter grow and becoming close with my friend's older children, I've recently realized that I could have a 8 year old. Which might sound like a simple fact, but it's not. It's like lately that decision has floated back up to the surface and caused me additional pain, when I hadn't thought much about it for years. This is a really excellent article, and I'm glad for all of the comments. Not many people know I had that abortion, I kind of pretend it didn't happen. So reading that a bunch of other people have had to sort through the exact same bag of mixed emotions that I deal with is really refreshing. Reply "We had an abortion" – What an interesting phrase. In situations where the father is aware of the pregnancy, and the decision to terminate, I wonder what effects this has on his later decisions to parent? Reply I sometimes have guilt over this, when I look into the eyes of my beautiful daughter…I felt her the moment she started growing. Last time,in college, I felt it, but I wasn't…connected, somehow. I was in a very bad place and had to make a difficult decision that I promised myself I'd never regret. I worried all through my pregnancy that this would be the time I'd be "punished." My husband knows, but I never told my family. Thank you for sharing. Reply It really means a lot to me that everyone has felt comfortable enough to share their stories. It is a very hard decision to make, and I am still trying to deal with the guilt. But reading what everyone had to say really has helped me. So thank you, everyone. Reply i'm glad that this was helpful to you – that was my intention intention in sharing this story Best, sarah Reply I am fortunate enough to not have had to make this difficult choice, but I always felt/knew that if I accidently got pregnant when I was younger (under 22) that I would absolutely have had an abortion. Just like you, I beleived its not a baby, its only a cluster of cells until after 3 months. There is nothing to feel guilty or ashamed for because it is not a person. Yet, now that my husband and I have concieved (on purpose), I felt amazingly connected the moment I saw the first ultrasound at 7 wks. Somehow this particular cluster of cells in my tummy *was* a baby and a person. I am still 100% pro choice, I still believe an abortion would have been the best option for me when I was younger (back in my anti-children days), but I too am amazed how one pregnany can be a clump of cells and another pregnancy can be a miracle of life… Reply "but I too am amazed how one pregnany can be a clump of cells and another pregnancy can be a miracle of life…" I'm really struggling with this- my abortion was 3 years ago and I'm hoping to have children in the next few years (trying to sort out some debts, housing things first, but if I got pregnant now, I'd still be thrilled, we'd cope somehow) I don't regret my decision, but I have found it very difficult afterwards and I know that another pregnancy will bring all that up again. I spent so long repeating the "not a baby, bunch of cells" mantra, that I don't think I can look at another early ultrasound and not feel like a hypocrite. Sarah & all the ladies who have shared their abortion stories, thank you! Reply It seems that it would be more because it's an emotional attachment. It's no more a "person" than the pregnancy you terminated, but because you anticipate carrying it to term and delivering it and raising it and loving it, you're falling in love with the potential before the person that will be is realized. Just my take on the situation. Reply I agree 100%! I also believe the grieving process after an abortion is more about letting go of a project or a dream than it is of a "baby". Reply Thank you for writing this. I had an abortion the day after my sons first birthday. I still struggle with it every day, but I knew I wasnt ready for another child as a single mom. That was 3 years ago, but I still ache for that baby everyday. I don't necessarily regret my decision; I knew I needed to do it to be the best mommy i could be to the son I already had, but it was a heart breaking decision. My son's dad is in no way involved in his life, and I knew this baby's wouldnt be either. And I get all those paranoid feelings of something happening to the child I have for what I did to the other "sack of cells" uhg. So yeah, guess you could say I still have some therapy sessions to go through but, thanks for sharing your story! Reply My abortion came when my daughter was 8 months old; her father and I had slipped up changing between types of birth control. I was fighting the deep depression that followed her birth, and recognized that I wouldn't be able to keep my sanity, mother my child and hold my family together with another baby. I was resolute in my decision. The heart-stomping part came when months later, I received a newborn-size diaper in the mail. While crunching some numbers I put my last period day into an online calculator on a popular website, and they had my information. Now at a more stable point in our lives, our daughter is still our only. I wonder all the time if our family is complete. Or if it would have been, if only… Reply I hope you gave the website that sent the diaper the feedback that their promotion was EXTREMELY inappropriate. 🙁 Reply Oh dear. Thank you for everyone that was incensed on my behalf. It was oversight on my part that I had a box checked to receive samples; after my procedure I didn't visit that website anymore but the settings stayed. It was just an unfortunate reminder that brought up emotions I thought I had properly dealt with when making my decision. I'm sure nothing but generic advertising was the company's intention. Reply Thanks to all the women who shared their stories. This is a topic that is so important to the physical and mental health of women, but it is so shrouded in judgment and guilt that a lot of women don't get the support and knowledge that they need. Thanks again Offbeat Mama for providing a wonderful place of community. Reply Thank you so much for sharing your story; I have also had to make this decision – not once, but twice. The first time was as a result of sheer lack of thinking on my part; I was in a very self-destructive phase of life and all of a sudden, POOF. A consequence. After thinking long and hard, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing I had to offer a child. No job, no stability (I was living a lifestyle of waking up in Vancouver, partying that night in Calgary), no emotional stability – and I couldn't even be sure that the amount of substances I had already ingested by the time I found out hadn't done some sort of damage. The second time was years later; I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship. The type of emotional abuse we were in the middle of putting each other through wouldn't have been at all appropriate to throw a baby into. Again, no stability, no emotional stability – I felt that if I had a child at that point, the cycle of abuse that I had been raised in would simply perpetuate itself. One thing I would like to point out is that I am extremely lucky to have been able to get access to an abortion not only quickly, but to deal with staff and medical professionals who were so caring, understanding, discreet and genuinely involved in making the experience as non-traumatic as possible. The nurse held my hand as they performed the procedure – and the first time, they let my best friend come with me to provide support. I wholeheartedly applaud the men and women who are so caring and non-judgmental at such a stressful and difficult time. I've now grown past my 'junk', am married to a wonderful, loving person and we're going to start trying for a kidlet in the next year. I have the comfort of knowing that I've become someone who actually wants to have a child now – and can actually handle the responsibility without horribly messing up a poor kid in the process. Again, thanks very much for this article. Rest assured that the reasoning may have been different, but you are definitely not alone in making a difficult decision. Choosing 'later' is sometimes the most loving decision one can make. Reply Choosing 'later' is sometimes the most loving decision one can make — WHAT BEAUTIFUL, MEANINGFUL WORDS! Thanks for the comment. Best, sarah Reply I'm a grad student and had an abortion a year ago. Personnaly, I struggle with the idea of fate applied to child-bearing, as in "this child was just not meant to be". I'm an atheist and have a hard time believing that our destiny is shaped by anything else other than our own choices. I know very well that, had I kept the baby despite financial, educational and love-related problems, I would have been overjoyed by my little one and thought my decision was the best one I'd ever taken. Therefore I have no idea if my decision to abort was the best one. I only know it was a loving decision, for myself, for those around me, and perhaps for the baby-in-the-making. Today, I feel good thinking I still have time to figure out a life plan, travel and find a real home. Then my heart will be ready to be ripped out by a another tiny human looking like me. Reply what profound words! thank you for sharing this. best, sarah Reply it's really interesting that so many of you experienced the "it's just a bunch of cells" feeling. i got pregnant immediately after our honeymoon. our decision to have an abortion took less than an hour to make (as we had discussed it before), and i called and made an appointment for 2 weeks later. the next week was very emotional and i became so attached to that little bundle of potential. it was like a whole universe of cells crammed together and just waiting to explode like the big bang. 1 week before my appointment i miscarried which was so hard on me–i think because i didn't have the chance to end it on my own terms. my husband and i felt so shamed that we had chosen abortion at that stage in our life (like we were stupid or selfish) that we felt like we couldn't tell anyone, so i felt that i had no one to talk to about it. i still felt the shame of an abortion because it was my decision AND my incomplete miscarriage necessitated a d&c. a few months later a close friend had an abortion, so i finally felt that i could talk about my experience with her. it took over a year for me to stop crying and feel normal again. now i am a few weeks pregnant (planned this time) and i DON'T feel that strong connection i did before. maybe i'm just worried about what could happen, or maybe i've spent the last 2 years thinking about it, or maybe the first pregnancy changed me (suddenly felt the biological clock turn on) but for whatever reason this one feels like a bunch of cells that i'm not yet connected to. Reply what a tumultuous experience for you — i am wishing you a safe and easy pregnancy. -sarah Reply I felt the same way during my planned pregnancy. It was like, I wanted to be excited but I was too scared to let myself be in case I put myself through all those emotions again. It took me some time, and honestly I don't know when everything started feeling like I was connected, but it was definitely later on. Just give yourself the time you need to get your head and your heart connected on a level that you're comfortable in. Best of luck in everything! Reply I feel you, girl. I planned this pregnancy, I'm 10 weeks, and I want out. I don't know if it's because I got extremely sick so early on, or if it's the way my husband has very surprisingly been treating me (noooot great), or latent trauma from my first HORRIBLE pregnancy and birth (from a relationship that was incredibly destructive and abusive), or probably all of them, but I am so done. Even when I look at pictures of what the fetus looks like at this stage, I just have a hard time caring. It was not like that last time, and I was 20 and so ill-prepared by comparison. Last time I was like, well, I've always wanted children, so whatever, the timing isn't right, but I don't see myself getting an abortion. And I suffered for that in ways that I could never have foreseen. And so did my son. So now, I really don't know what to do with these second thoughts. It's really, really hard. Reply Thanks for being you and writing from the heart. Reply Timing is everything. Reply I am 31 years old. I have a 7 year old son who I wanted very much. My partner and I have been together 10 years. And recently I had an abortion. I don't regret it. I know it was the right choice for us. But it dosent necessarily sit easily in the brain. It hurts. I feel bad cooing over babies, over cute little clothes. I feel like I have betrayed a little person who was relying on me to grow it and to love it. I feel like the hard time I had in pregnancy with my son, the horror each time I thought I was loosing him, maybe should have affected me this time. Why didn't I want this baby? Why couldn't I have felt so strongly? But it just wasn't right. I hope that in some way, this tiny little 7 week old fetus knows that I care. But when you know something is for the best then you have to do it. It will play on your mind. But it doesn't make you a bad person x Reply Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Subscribe me to your mailing list No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. 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