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So last week, my partner got an amazing job offer in another state. He accepted the offer on Tuesday. Yesterday, he moved into his new apartment six hours away from our home.
We had to make quick decisions and plan a second Rockethaus household in the last few days, and I’m finding myself thinking about very different home topics: Safety! Security! How fast can I acquire more cats! Will I eat anything besides potatoes!
Yes, folks. I’m now entering a lifestyle known as “Living Apart Together.” It’s not as uncommon as you might think — hey, there’s even a Wikipedia entry all about it — but it is new to me. Here’s how the transition is going…
Changes so far:
- No regard for THE MAN'S imposition of "time." I was already pulling pretty odd hours, but — and this may help you have a better idea of how hermitous I am — turns out that when I'm alone, "days" mean something totally different. I'm trying to keep myself somewhat in tune with the rest of the world's timeframe.
- I have made an entire list of projects in the house to tackle. Last night, I set up the guest room as a seedling nursery.
- I don't eat without other people around. Consumed in last 36 hours: 2 mochi balls, 2 potatoes, 1 GIANT salad with goat cheese, raisins, and ranch dressing, pineapple, 2 cups butter coffee
I can see that my first challenge is going to be food. I LOVE to cook, but am way too lazy to cook for a table of one. I think I’m going to have to give myself a carrot to get over this sloth and continue to feed myself responsibly, sometimes. Since I think the best carrot is shredded on top of pho, I’m finally sitting down to learn to make it at home, really well, this week — so there will be a recipe for a good one-person pho coming up tomorrow!
For those of you’ve who’ve done the Living Apart Together thing, any advice for me?
At different points in our relationship, Mitch lived in north Dakota and I lived in Nebraska. We found that we needed to see each other live and in the flesh once every three weeks. That was before things like skype and FaceTime, but we needed the physicality.
I just did this for about 5 months. I found that the following things made me feel really healthy and happy:
1) Going to a regular yoga (or whatever) class. It got me out of the house, got me in a room with other people, and made me feel good. I am pretty introverted by nature, and I wasn’t using this as a way to make new friends, but I enjoyed being in a room with other people ono a regular basis.
2) Getting out to do the things that happened in my city, like an author reading, or a group bike ride, or a free outdoor concert. It felt a little weird going to these things along sometimes (though I would go with others sometimes, too), but again, it was about being around other people.
3) Garden dinners. Seriously, if you are turning your guest room into a nursery, you will probably have a great garden this summer. I had so many dinners that were basically Things I Picked From The Garden, with olive oil, vinegar, and maybe some cheese. Tasty and easy.
My boyfriend I lived together for the first 2 weeks after we got together, then we had to live apart for about 3 months before moving in together again. We text every day, like over 100 messages a day, and saw each other usually like once every 3 or 4 days. We only lived like 3 miles apart during this time, but we were doing a lot of life transition stuff and had to wait awhile before we could get our own place.
My husband’s been threatening to go work on the mines for a while so we can save some cash. I’m Terrified. Mostly i think the guys up there so 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off, fly in fly out. Best case scinario is week on week off, worst would be month on month off…
I’m such a loser i can’t do *anything* by myself. if he’s a way for so much as a day i huddle on the couch with a blanket and can’t move away from the computer where all my friends live. i get all depressed and mopey. i dont have alot of friends, and mostly they’re not into visiting.. on the rare occasion that they do, it’s usually just awkward. my sister lives 45 minuts away across the other side of town, and my mum is another 15 miutes the other side of that…. (they moved away from where i grew up, not me)
we have a dog, but he doesn’t talk much…. i think i’d go crazy….
however i don’t think cooking will be a problem…. i’d probly sit and eat allll day…
My partner works in the film industry, meaning that at any time, he could get a call and commit to doing a movie for the next 7 months. When he doesn’t get a call, he’s at home. Luckily, most of his work has been in Atlanta, about 2 hours away from us, so he’s home on the weekends.
It took us a while to adjust, especially when he first started. Film work is 14 hour days and tough on the body. We get to talk for ~8 minutes every day and when he comes home on the weekends, he sleeps and is usually pretty grumpy and beat.
Things I’ve learned:
1. Don’t feel like every conversation you have has to be really heartfelt or deep. It took us a while to admit that sometimes, 2 minute conversations spent really focused on each other are better than 10 minute ones where you’re searching for anything interesting to tell them. It’s all right to say, “Hey, I don’t really have anything else to say.”
2. Try to be honest with yourself and him. Sometimes I get upset because he is exhausted and in a bad mood for the two minutes we have to talk. Instead of huffing back at him, I explain that I want to make the best of the time we have. He sometimes gets jealous when I talk about seeing our friends because he worked hard and only has a hotel room to look forward to. That’s ok.
3. Try to find things that anchor you. I tend to spiral for a few days when he leaves because I’m not always good at structure things, like putting myself to sleep or realizing that it’s time to eat.
4. When you do get to spend time together, really spend it together.
5. I’ve found that finding little routines really helps. When we talk, I ask him what he had to eat. Catering on different shows varies widely, so it’s interesting to hear. I’ll usually ask him what the funniest thing that happened that day was. In our 7 1/2 years of dating, we’ve talked every night when we’re apart (save for international trips) and we always say “Goodnight, sweet dreams, I love you.” Sometimes it’s in a text because they’re rolling, but he always tells me goodnight.
Sometimes I feel weird about how we’ve come to adjust to this lifestyle, especially when I see things with old couples saying, “68 years and never more than a night apart!” People have insinuated that there is something odd or less-committed about our relationship because of this, but screw them. Do I jump for joy when he leaves? No. Do I miss him? Every moment.
I love him more than life itself. This job is what he loves to do and I would never ask him to give that up to be able to see him every day. He would never ask me to give up my education to follow him around, especially because the only time we’d see each other is when he’s crawling out of bed at 4 AM or into it at 2AM. Relationships in this industry usually don’t end up well, simply because of the time commitment and stress, but it’s been 5 years and we’re more solid than ever. This works ok for us right now, and I think that it makes our relationship, and us individually, stronger, more confident and more committed.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, and at various times been long distance for almost 5 of them — for a while across the country, and now about 1.5 hours apart while I work on my PhD. We’re lucky now in that we see each other every weekend, and manage to spend more nights together than apart.
The food thing is by far the hardest thing for me. He’s the cook, and I HATE cooking for just me. On Sunday nights, we try to make one giant meal that we eat together at the dining room table (not on the couch), and then we each have leftovers for the next few meals. Also I try to make a big, cheap dinner for a friend at least once a week – that way I have company and am cooking for someone else, even if it’s just spaghetti.
The other piece of advice I have is: find the communication level that works for you, and don’t be surprised if it changes. When we were living cross-country, we’d talk almost every night on the phone for at least an hour. Now, we rarely talk at night, but instead text throughout the day and have a 5 minute conversation here and there.
It’s been almost 3 years since I moved down here for school, and I have to say that within the last few months it’s gotten *much* harder.
I’m so glad this was posted. Most of our family members and a bunch of friends thought we were crazy for getting married while living apart, and we hardly know anyone in a long distance relationship without a definite end date. It’s nice to know we aren’t as alone/weird as we feel.
Welcome to my world!! My partner and I do FIFO (fly in fly out) work – which is becoming increasingly more common in Western Australia. I fly to the minesite for 8 days then I’m home for 6, while he drives to a different mine site for 6 days, then home for 3. For a long time, only he was FIFO though so I totally get what you mean.
My advice is – socialise as much as you can!! You now have the freedom to go out with a minutes notice – take it!! Although I would recommend making some touchy feely friends – you know the ones, who hug and touch you for no reason. I found the worst bit was when no one would actually touch me for weeks while my boyfriend was away! Snuggly friends made it better 🙂
I’m sure this has been mentioned over and over again, but SkypeskypeSKYPE! 😛 Me and my now-husband (who will FINALLY, after four years, be out of the Navy in July! EEEEEE) were on skype constantly, playing MMOs and watching Netflix together with skype on (two people can share one account and watch the same thing at the same time!)–we even SLEPT with skype on. I’d cheer him on in the morning as he got ready for work :3 Skype was only NOT on if both of us were out doing something. So, he always felt nearby 😀
Really, it can work. It’s worked for me for four years, and we were only allowed to physically see each other one month a year (2 weeks every six months). You guys don’t have that limit, so you’ll DEFINITELY be fine.
Ignore the naysayers. Two people in love can really deal with anything. Especially with the magic that is skype.
That’s fun!
I am getting ready to do this…again. In my three year marriage, we have spent half of it apart so far…and are preparing for another six months apart as he departs for Afghanistan in a few weeks.
My tips? Even the smallest things…take pictures of. you see something that catches your eye? Makes you chuckle? Makes you think of him? Take a pic and send it his way via phone or email. I do that throughout our deployments and my husband loves it…he says it lets him know that even though we are seperated by thousands of miles, I am still always thinking of him. I have literally taken pics of my meal and captioned it “wish you were here to share this!” or “Can’t wait to make this new recipe for you!” Have him do the same….that way you can still be a part of each other’s day.
As for cooking…one thing I do when my husband is gone is use that as my time to try out new recipes. My hubby is a picky eater so I test drive recipes on myself. If they pass my test and I think he will like them, I will keep it. Or I can “perfect” the recipe and tailor it to our tastes.
Good luck!
I will be watching comments and advice to this post closely. Hubs is starting school a few hours away in August, and will only be home on weekends (when the weather isn’t crap). I live in a big house in kinda the middle of nowhere. I’ve never lived in this house by myself. Last time I lived alone was in an apartment in my city.
Oh boy, it is tough! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years (3 were long distance). Even though we live in the same town now, we’re still living apart together until we can both afford to get our own place. I have my fingers crossed it will be in June.
Our solution was to find a phone plan with free minutes to other people who were with that company. We still chat on the phone everyday even though we’re about 20 minutes commute away from eachother. We try and do ‘normal’ couple dates like breakfast.
Both of us are sort of socially awkward hermits so we fit well together. Skype would have been a great solution for us but we were pretty happy with the phone idea. Definitely try and keep yourself active and busy so gym, book club, gardening – whatever.
As for eating – I’m not a cook, he’s the cook. I tend to purchase a frozen meal for whenever I have a long shift at work which is about 3 times a week and then get enough snacky type supplies. At the moment my favourite thing is buying premade delicacies from my butcher that only require oven cooking or microwaving! Then you can mix it up with a side-dish if you feel the need.
Best of luck with your LAT 🙂