How to fix your bed to be quieter during sex


The bed shown here is the Ikea Malm, a non-squeaky fave.

One of Offbeat Home's most popular posts of all time is this one about bedframes that are quiet during sex.

That's a great post for folks who are in the market for a new bed frame… but fuck, man: we're in the middle of a pandemic and economic crisis.

Lots of us can't afford new bedframes right now.

Also, lots of us are stuck at home with our quarantine buddies, which means that our old bedframes might be getting quite a workout.

This means we need some DIY solutions.

Tight screws and squeaky joints

Squeaking and bed noises mostly come from bedframes that have some movement in them, so if your existing bedframe isn't absolutely tight at every joint, you'll get a headboard that can hit the wall and squeaks from wood and joiners rubbing.

So first: check how your current bedframe is put together!

I guess what I'm saying here is you need to think about tight screws.

Very tight screws.

The fewer joints and the tighter the joints the less noise they make for the frame itself.

If you have a headboard and/or footboard, they need to be attached very tightly. The thicker that joint is, the better!

As one Offbeat Homie told me:

"My last headboard attached by two screws and it was horribly noisy. I learned that having a headboard that mounts to the wall instead of the frame minimizes the movement being transferred and keeps things quiet too."

Basically, you want solid construction, not frames that have a headboard and footboard and bars between to attach.

The more joints there are that can move or loosen, the more noise the bed will make and the looser those joints will get with action.

(Floors squeak for similar reasons! You can use talcum powder between the boards to help minimize floor squeaking — it's not great for a bed though.)

Please send noods — as in pool noodles!

Another method for making your bed quieter during sex is to use padding, which can come in lots of forms:

  • If you have a headboard, mount it on the wall, not the bed. Add some exercise foam padding to the back to prevent any vibration/banging.
  • Buy a pack of foam exercise workout pads (about $20 for 8 squares). You can put these under the bed legs and behind the headboard.
  • A swim noodle or pipe insulator can be cut in half and attached to the back of the headboard to prevent it from hitting the wall

An Offbeat Homie who used this padding reported back: "The final result: Absolutely no creaking, no sliding, no banging, no noise … well except the vocal ones…!"

We also love this DIY suggestion from a reader:

I built my quiet bed…with landscape bricks/blocks and 2×4's.

It does not move, or make any noise at all! I painted an old door, set it on a few random long pieces of wood so it is up high enough; done.

Total it cost me about $40 to make this bed "frame."

The only time it makes noise against the wall is if we are leaning up against the headboard/door while having sex, or it get super vigorous and pillows are slamming against the headboard.

Anyone else have low-budget DIY bed hacks for quieter sexin'? SHARE IN THE COMMENTS!

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