I had it all figured out.
I had nannied… Twins, overnights, special needs… I knew babies.
I’d read the books and the blogs, from the humorous to the medical. Talked to parents. Formed opinions. I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
Then, I had a child, and it all went to hell.
I should have known I was in trouble during labor. After three days of a hospital induction the baby still wasn’t coming, so we were sent home. We got there and my water promptly broke, thick with meconium. With that, my med-free water birth went out the window as I was hooked to monitors and planted in a bed. This baby was literally shitting on my plans before I had even seen her face.
In the coming days, and weeks other dominoes fell. My vows against co-sleeping lost out to my desire for two hours of uninterrupted rest. Exclusively breastfeeding wasn’t as important as supplementing formula to get my skinny girl to grow.
I am a feminist. I believe firmly that a woman's "place" is wherever she wants and needs to be. (I wish very much that we... Read more
All of this in the midst of accommodating the overwhelming needs of the tiny dictator.
“How is the… adjustment going?” one mom friend asked, with a knowing look on her face. “I remember thinking it was hell on earth,” the dad of a two-year-old told me. “Welcome to the secret society,” my aunt said, “You can’t understand it until you’ve done it.”
I may not have been able to understand, but I would have liked a warning!
Recently NPR asked “Why are new parents depressed?” The segment focused on men and women, and asked if as a society we were even willing to talk about the unpleasant sides of bringing home a new baby, or if it is still too taboo.
Maybe it’s silly to mention. Maybe “they” are right, and those who haven’t experienced it won’t understand, and those who have been there will just smile knowingly. But it seems important to at least start the conversation.
I’m tempted to write, “but one smile from the baby makes it worth it,” or to clarify that while the last six weeks have been intense as can be, I’m definitely not depressed, just reeling from the new experience. And while both of those are true, those disclaimers play into the stigma, as I attempt to distance myself from people with the “real” problems.
Instead, I’ll ask, what were your expectations of bringing home a baby, and what was the reality? Whether you’ve reproduced or not, do you think this is something that is discussed openly enough?
I like this article a lot, I want children and my husband keeps telling me “its not the right time” or lets wait a little longer till we are in a better situation. and i get what he means. right now we are not so well off financially and we live in a small apartment.But i feel like the more we wait, the more likely we will be child free and not by choice. it would be because of fear. i suffer from some anxiety issues and i have a few phobia’s . needless to say i do let fear control my life a little. and i want kids i really do. but the longer i wait the more research i do, and i the more horror stories i find. and i am really concerned about post partum because of the anxiety problems i already have. i believe my husband is the same way. we have discussed it and we definitely want children. and i think it might just be to scarred
I have a five-and-a-half-week-old in my lap right now. It really is tough, especially if you are breastfeeding. I am the only person who can feed her – either I have to feed her directly, or I have to pump so someone else can feed her. It’s so overwhelming and I’m so tired.
I think that one reason people aren’t “honest” is because you can’t communicate a feeling. I knew that labor is tough and passing a baby hurts, I knew that I’d be feeding every 2-3 hours around the clock. Knowing that doesn’t prepare you for what it actually feels like when you’ve been sleep deprived consistently for more than a month.
Also, different people handle different things differently. The sleep deprivation is really getting to me, but I don’t mind never leaving the house. Other people are more adaptable and not petrified by “what if the baby gets hungry while I’m out? what if the baby cries?” Some need less sleep. Other people are very sensitive to crying. I’m better with tolerating crying than my husband, for example. And since every baby is different… it’s hard to predict what the experience will even be.