By: Christian Haugen – CC BY 2.0 Though babies are not yet on the to-do list, my husband and I have been thinking about what having a child would mean. One of the things that came up is language — my mother tongue is Dutch and both my husband and I agree that I should teach our kids(s) how to speak it as well, so they can communicate when visiting my family and other advantages.
The problem is… my husband doesn’t understand Dutch at all, save the odd word here and there. He won’t be able to understand us and has previously expressed discomfort and annoyance at not being able to join in on conversations. While he agrees on teaching our offspring Dutch, I’m worried about him feeling excluded or not understanding the children, despite our best intentions.
So, my question is for families who are or will be in similar situations: how did having a second language which only your partner doesn’t speak have an impact on your relationship and family? — Cobalt&Calcium
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Comments on My child and I will be bilingual, but my husband isn’t: how will this impact our family?
Honestly, this was a concern for me. My husband is Turkish, and completely fluent in English as well. I also was concerned that they wouldn’t be bilingual. Mostly likely when we have children, I would be the primary care giver, and due to lack of exposure my children wouldn’t become fluent in Turkish. So we decided to move to Turkey, so I could learn the language and culture. I really feel now, that after being an expat for four years that we are truly a bi-cultural and bi-lingual couple. We both understand each others’ home culture and language. We will probably move back the the U.S. when we have kids, but we will be prepared culturally and linguistically.
So, you and your husband have agreed your child should be bilingual. Your husband doesn’t want to feel left out of the conversations the two of you will have in Dutch. But, he also doesn’t want to learn the language…
So are you supposed to only teach your child Dutch when he’s not around? Doing so will create a bond between you and your child, but could also cause issues about how your child views Dutch in regards to your husband, especially if you always switch away from Dutch when he’s around.
Honestly, if he doesn’t want to feel left out, he should try learning a little Dutch with your child. He doesn’t have to become fluent. Maybe codeswitching would help him feel more comfortable.
Talk to him about why he’d be annoyed by these Dutch conversations (Is it because you and your child would have a special connection that he doesn’t?) and if he’d be willing to learn basic Dutch for your child (and your child will pick up on what’s the best way to communicate with your husband quickly).
As I’ve said in previous comments, it’s not that he doesn’t WANT to learn.
We tried for 3-4 years and recently came the point where my husband said it’s not gonna work, at least not right now.
And again, I’m not going to force him. I’m very happy and proud he tried.
So while we are still hoping it may be different when we actually are parents, we also want to explore what the other options are if he doesn’t ever learn Dutch.
He gets annoyed when we’re in larger groups and everything goes too quick to follow or explain adequately.
With our own child that would be different, but as someone pointed out (and what was one of the thoughts behind this question) it may be difficult when the kidlet is only just learning to speak.
I just wondered how people deal, especially in those situations where the other parent unfortunately doesn’t fully succeed in picking up the new language.
I am in this same situation, but instead of a relatively common language, we are teaching our child Bulgarian. My wife speaks Bulgarian and I speak English. I learn each and every day from watching the interactions with my wife and my son(s). So much to the point I am now comfortable communicating with my wife’s family. At times it is frustrating, but I just have to get over that, as it is due to my own ability to reach the next milestone in learning.
There is the other option, move to the Netherlands for a few years. Immersion is always the best method of learning a language.
I hope I am not too late joining this conversation. I just wanted to add my ideas on this subject.
First of all, I agree with the previous post that you should check out fluentin3months.com, it is a great site with some amazing ideas on learning a foreign language to high proficiency levels.
Secondly, I know you have said that your husband has already tried to learn Dutch and deemed it too hard, however I think your husband and you are not quite doing justice to a person’s natural language learning abilities.
-Your husband should try again (if you guys really want to raise a strong bilingual child, since creating a minority language at home is way better than a one-parent one language approach). He should not only view it as a language to be studied, but as language to use in daily life. Maybe, he should try a study approach that mixes classes/formal instruction with enjoyable activities (watching TV, doing something he normally does in English but in Dutch, reading, making friends with others who are learning Dutch, etc.) In addition to this, you can also help him out a little in terms of the language. Like if he learns the phrase for “Pass me the salt or Pass me the pepper” in Dutch then he can begin using this phrase oppose to the English equivalent when talking with you. Before you know it, I believe he can actually gain a good speaking range (at least in terms of everyday vocabulary). This can also help you guys practice for when your child comes along.
-Many people often have the same problem that your husband has when hearing Dutch. (aka. the words seem indistinguishable). However, it is just a matter of listening to more comprehensible input. He should do more active and passive listening to Dutch. This will definitely help him learn to distinguish the sounds of the language.
-To me, I think you and your husband’s perspective on the sounds of the language are what is really holding him back. Of course his pronunciation of sounds is not going to be perfect in Dutch. However, that should not stop him from continuing to use Dutch and getting as good at those sounds a possible (even though it is possible to learn foreign sounds that don’t exist in your language as an adult, it just takes effort). Frankly speaking, (and I mean this with no disrespect) it is better for him not to get hung up on pronunciation when learning a language and it would be better for him to learn Dutch before you guys have kids. That way he can help support their Dutch language along side you (which will be helpful when the kids start to realize that the need to speak Dutch is low. Trust me, kids begin to rebel against the minority language if it is not supported completely by both parents or by outside forces).
-There are a ton of great blogs where non-native German, Spanish, Chinese and even Dutch speakers have raised children in their non-native language and it turned out great. Here is an example: http://nonnativebilingualparents.blogspot.com/ (great blog by a non-native who raised her kids in German and it turn out amazing).
Your husband’s bad pronunciation will not be a problem as long as your kid has you, and any other source of Dutch input (tv , grandparents, etc). Though as I said before, there is no doubt your husband CAN learn the language. I think all these self-defeating ideas about Dutch being too hard (every language claims this: Japanese, Chinese, Greek, French etc.) and the pronunciation needing to be perfect, is what is destroying his chances of ever obtaining fluency. A lot of people around the world, including yourself have learned English as a second language. And even though some of them speak with accents and don’t pronounce all the words correctly, they still go on to teach their kids English. In most countries, non-native English speakers are teaching children ENGLISH in schools. So obviously you guys should not at all be caught up with perfect pronunciation or the idea that Dutch is harder than English, since NO ONE is perfect in their second language.
Wow, this was a long post. I hope you don’t read this as an attack. But I have met sooo many people whose spouses never learn their language due to “it being too difficult”, “they feeling like the pronunciation will never be perfect” or other excuses. All it takes is effort and of course motivation (your husband should really want to do this.) I have also known a lot of people who have tried to go down the one parent speaks their native tongue and the other speaks the majority language route, and ultimately it ends with a passive bilingual. A child who does not speak the minority language (after entering school) but understands it (and that is only if the minority language parent have kept up with talking to the kid and has not already switched to using more of the majority language).
Whatever your husband and you decides to do, I hope it turns out well. 🙂
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Honestly, this was a concern for me. My husband is Turkish, and completely fluent in English as well. I also was concerned that they wouldn’t be bilingual. Mostly likely when we have children, I would be the primary care giver, and due to lack of exposure my children wouldn’t become fluent in Turkish. So we decided to move to Turkey, so I could learn the language and culture. I really feel now, that after being an expat for four years that we are truly a bi-cultural and bi-lingual couple. We both understand each others’ home culture and language. We will probably move back the the U.S. when we have kids, but we will be prepared culturally and linguistically.
So, you and your husband have agreed your child should be bilingual. Your husband doesn’t want to feel left out of the conversations the two of you will have in Dutch. But, he also doesn’t want to learn the language…
So are you supposed to only teach your child Dutch when he’s not around? Doing so will create a bond between you and your child, but could also cause issues about how your child views Dutch in regards to your husband, especially if you always switch away from Dutch when he’s around.
Honestly, if he doesn’t want to feel left out, he should try learning a little Dutch with your child. He doesn’t have to become fluent. Maybe codeswitching would help him feel more comfortable.
Talk to him about why he’d be annoyed by these Dutch conversations (Is it because you and your child would have a special connection that he doesn’t?) and if he’d be willing to learn basic Dutch for your child (and your child will pick up on what’s the best way to communicate with your husband quickly).
Good luck!
As I’ve said in previous comments, it’s not that he doesn’t WANT to learn.
We tried for 3-4 years and recently came the point where my husband said it’s not gonna work, at least not right now.
And again, I’m not going to force him. I’m very happy and proud he tried.
So while we are still hoping it may be different when we actually are parents, we also want to explore what the other options are if he doesn’t ever learn Dutch.
He gets annoyed when we’re in larger groups and everything goes too quick to follow or explain adequately.
With our own child that would be different, but as someone pointed out (and what was one of the thoughts behind this question) it may be difficult when the kidlet is only just learning to speak.
I just wondered how people deal, especially in those situations where the other parent unfortunately doesn’t fully succeed in picking up the new language.
I am in this same situation, but instead of a relatively common language, we are teaching our child Bulgarian. My wife speaks Bulgarian and I speak English. I learn each and every day from watching the interactions with my wife and my son(s). So much to the point I am now comfortable communicating with my wife’s family. At times it is frustrating, but I just have to get over that, as it is due to my own ability to reach the next milestone in learning.
There is the other option, move to the Netherlands for a few years. Immersion is always the best method of learning a language.
Hey,
I hope I am not too late joining this conversation. I just wanted to add my ideas on this subject.
First of all, I agree with the previous post that you should check out fluentin3months.com, it is a great site with some amazing ideas on learning a foreign language to high proficiency levels.
Secondly, I know you have said that your husband has already tried to learn Dutch and deemed it too hard, however I think your husband and you are not quite doing justice to a person’s natural language learning abilities.
-Your husband should try again (if you guys really want to raise a strong bilingual child, since creating a minority language at home is way better than a one-parent one language approach). He should not only view it as a language to be studied, but as language to use in daily life. Maybe, he should try a study approach that mixes classes/formal instruction with enjoyable activities (watching TV, doing something he normally does in English but in Dutch, reading, making friends with others who are learning Dutch, etc.) In addition to this, you can also help him out a little in terms of the language. Like if he learns the phrase for “Pass me the salt or Pass me the pepper” in Dutch then he can begin using this phrase oppose to the English equivalent when talking with you. Before you know it, I believe he can actually gain a good speaking range (at least in terms of everyday vocabulary). This can also help you guys practice for when your child comes along.
-Many people often have the same problem that your husband has when hearing Dutch. (aka. the words seem indistinguishable). However, it is just a matter of listening to more comprehensible input. He should do more active and passive listening to Dutch. This will definitely help him learn to distinguish the sounds of the language.
-To me, I think you and your husband’s perspective on the sounds of the language are what is really holding him back. Of course his pronunciation of sounds is not going to be perfect in Dutch. However, that should not stop him from continuing to use Dutch and getting as good at those sounds a possible (even though it is possible to learn foreign sounds that don’t exist in your language as an adult, it just takes effort). Frankly speaking, (and I mean this with no disrespect) it is better for him not to get hung up on pronunciation when learning a language and it would be better for him to learn Dutch before you guys have kids. That way he can help support their Dutch language along side you (which will be helpful when the kids start to realize that the need to speak Dutch is low. Trust me, kids begin to rebel against the minority language if it is not supported completely by both parents or by outside forces).
-There are a ton of great blogs where non-native German, Spanish, Chinese and even Dutch speakers have raised children in their non-native language and it turned out great. Here is an example: http://nonnativebilingualparents.blogspot.com/ (great blog by a non-native who raised her kids in German and it turn out amazing).
Your husband’s bad pronunciation will not be a problem as long as your kid has you, and any other source of Dutch input (tv , grandparents, etc). Though as I said before, there is no doubt your husband CAN learn the language. I think all these self-defeating ideas about Dutch being too hard (every language claims this: Japanese, Chinese, Greek, French etc.) and the pronunciation needing to be perfect, is what is destroying his chances of ever obtaining fluency. A lot of people around the world, including yourself have learned English as a second language. And even though some of them speak with accents and don’t pronounce all the words correctly, they still go on to teach their kids English. In most countries, non-native English speakers are teaching children ENGLISH in schools. So obviously you guys should not at all be caught up with perfect pronunciation or the idea that Dutch is harder than English, since NO ONE is perfect in their second language.
Wow, this was a long post. I hope you don’t read this as an attack. But I have met sooo many people whose spouses never learn their language due to “it being too difficult”, “they feeling like the pronunciation will never be perfect” or other excuses. All it takes is effort and of course motivation (your husband should really want to do this.) I have also known a lot of people who have tried to go down the one parent speaks their native tongue and the other speaks the majority language route, and ultimately it ends with a passive bilingual. A child who does not speak the minority language (after entering school) but understands it (and that is only if the minority language parent have kept up with talking to the kid and has not already switched to using more of the majority language).
Whatever your husband and you decides to do, I hope it turns out well. 🙂