When I went to pick up Chubbs from daycare one day, his teacher caught me in the hall before I entered the room. “I was going to call you,” she said, piquing my interest and raising a little fear. “We had a small accident. Somehow his diaper got unlatched and he had a bowel movement…all over his pants and socks. We had to let him borrow a pair of socks, and they have pink on them.”
I giggled at the idea of my little boy in pink socks. When we arrived home, I put the socks aside and washed Chubbs’s soiled clothing. I didn’t give the borrowed items a second thought.
The next morning, I told Chubbs it was time to get his socks and shoes so we could leave for school. He rarely reacts when I tell him this and so I didn’t expect cooperation, yet when I turned around, there was Chubbs on the couch with his sneakers — and the pink socks.
“You can’t wear those, Chubbs, those are girl socks,” I told him, wincing when I heard the words. I tried to recover by saying, “You can put them on later, but you’re going to wear your brown socks today because they match your pants.” But it was too late.
Chubbs began swinging his arms around with a pink sock in each hand, shouting, “GIRL SOCKS! GIRL SOCKS!” I sat and watched, feeling defeated.
Only a few days before, I was fortunate to attend a lecture by Gloria Steinem. I left feeling inspired to raise a compassionate, tolerant child and it didn’t take long before I slipped and found myself saying those horrible words: girl socks.
They are though, aren’t they? Department stores have everything neatly divided. Girl socks are pink or purple and have pretty ruffles on them. Boy socks are blue or red and decorated with trucks or trains. My brain’s processing of the Steinem lecture suddenly finalized and struck me like a lightning bolt when I heard myself utter that phrase, and the socks came to symbolize a fundamental issue I find myself encountering.
My growing boy and the flowered pants
Last month while on clothing expedition, he selected from a shelf a pair of bold, pink flower-covered cotton pants and asked me to buy them... Read more
I want to raise my son without assigning damaging labels to things. I want him to think freely and respect everyone as people without regard to gender, age, “race” or sexual orientation. I want him to be his own person. The problem is that society as a whole does not take kindly to those that march to the beat of their own drum.
When instilling the belief in children that we can all be ourselves, shouldn’t we also help them be prepared to deal with a world that is going to give them a hard time if they do it? Children of nonconformist parents need to be particularly secure in their own being. It’s something that I never fully learned and am not sure how to teach.
How can a sensitive child feel free to express himself differently from others in a world where “different” is “bad?”
So the dilemma is this: do I try to control how my son thinks/acts/dresses to protect him from the ridicule of others? Or do I let him be himself and risk being unfairly judged (more than usual)? Will his resolve and my own be enough to make up for the judgments of others if Chubbs doesn’t “fit in?”
The world is a difficult place for children, who want nothing more than to be loved, have fun and make sense of things. How can a sensitive child feel free to express himself differently from others in a world where “different” is “bad?” Why is it okay for a girl to play with trucks but not for a boy to play-feed a baby doll? And why can’t boys wear pink socks? After all, no matter what color socks he’s wearing, Chubbs will still have the same beautiful feet.
My son is obsessed with cooking, cleaning and playing in “home corner” at daycare so I bought him his own toy kitchen for home and it was certainly an interesting experience. The family I bought it from shocked I’d buy it for a boy toddler, my very male flatmates all complaining and saying it was wrong, my gay best friend hunting for a chefs outfit for my son and getting really mad at the straight flatmates over their opinion – an interesting experience to watch all the men in my life struggle over this issue!
I once heard a quote that went something like ‘cooking isn’t “gay”, I’m creating my own food with science!’
Bit odd but still kind of funny
I was such a tomboy throughout my pre-teen into teen years. I wore guy’s clothes and eventually cut my hair, not really short, but like Hanson boy short. I got mistaken for a boy often and it hurt my feelings. It bothered me that wearing those clothes were indicative of maleness. I still wear guy’s shirts and men’s skate shoes. Know what I noticed? That at 5’10” girl shirts are way too short, so my choices appear to be practical as well. I don’t get made fun of anymore, I’m called stylish and original by others.
Side note, but my cousin’s daughter was encouraged to play with all toys, not just dolls. To wear all colors, not just pink. Naturally she chose ALL pink and proceeded to kick ass at climbing 30 foot trees, gymnastics, getting dirty, and dissecting dead animals. So she’s a win 🙂
Perhaps if you were to focus on your sensitivity to the issue and question the reasons that YOU may be uncomfortable with the pink socks then you could be free to see how your son deals with what happens (as opposed to your fears about what might happen). He might teach you something, they often do!
My parents usually encouraged my…”creativity.” When I was younger my mom instated a 3 color rule because I would try to wear every color possible and it drove her insane, but she never told me that I was wrong, simply that I needed to pick which things were my favorite and save the rest for another day. As I got older she really didn’t care. I remember wearing an orange and yellow skirt with black and purple striped tights to school one day (I believe I also had blue hair at the time, which my mom helped me dye). My aunt had seen me and called my mom saying “Did you see what she was wearing today?” My mom’s response? “At least everything was covered. Besides, she could be getting into worse trouble than not matching very well!”
I sincerely hope that I cam be the same way with my kids. If my son wants to wear pink, that’s fine. Sure, he’ll get made fun of. I always had to deal with teasing about my clothes (even from my own relatives, apparently), but It always made me feel better about myself. I always knew I’d be the only one wearing that!
Other kids are absolutely going to make fun of him. Eventually. For some reason. It’s going to happen.
They will find the sorest spot and poke it as hard as they can – that’s what they do. If he likes pink and wears pink but isn’t ashamed, it will not work.
My brother, as a kid, was big – huge. Two heads taller than his classmates, easily, in first grade. His boyscout troop picture looks like a joke. He looked three years older than he was, but with a big round baby face (he wasn’t very overweight, but definitely had some kid chub). Kids occasionally tried to make fun of him, but he’d just laugh; he liked being big. He liked being big because we, at home, liked him being big, joked about him eating the house, had him reach things for us or move heavy things.
He knew we thought it was cool, so he thought it was cool, too.
There’s nothing wrong with pink. There’s a problem with society that ties pink to girls, and girls to weakness, so boys liking pink might get made fun of. But if he’s okay with it, and he will be if you are (at least until the opinions of his friends start to outweigh yours; but that’s awhile off yet), he’ll be fine.
About colour and gender roles with the colour pink. You may find this useful
n gender
Person in a pink sweatshirt knitting a pink scarf
In Western culture, the practice of assigning pink to an individual gender began in the 1920s[12] or earlier.[13] From then until the 1940s, pink was considered appropriate for boys because being related to red it was the more masculine and decided color, while blue was considered appropriate for girls because it was the more delicate and dainty color, or related to the Virgin Mary.[14][15][16] Since the 1940s, the societal norm was inverted; pink became considered appropriate for girls and blue appropriate for boys, a practice that has continued into the 21st century.[17]
Though the color pink has sometimes been associated with negative[citation needed] gender stereotypes, some feminists have sought to ‘reclaim’ it. For example, the Swedish radical feminist party Feminist Initiative and the American activist women’s group Code Pink: Women for Peace use pink as their color.
The pink ribbon is the international symbol of breast cancer awareness. Pink was chosen partially because it is so strongly associated with femininity.[18]
It has been suggested that females prefer pink because of a preference for reddish things like ripe fruits and healthy faces,[19] but the associated study has been criticized as “bad science”.[20]
The phrase “pink-collar worker” refers, in the West, to persons working in fields or jobs conventionally regarded as “women’s work”.
[edit] Finsd all about the colour pink here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink
Who cares a fig what colour anyone wears. Don’t worry about it pet, celebrate the pink
Ha! We posted the same thing! Agreed! Don’t worry about the colors!
Just wanted to point out that in the early 20th century, pink was for boys (considered a version of red which was a bold fierce boy color) and blue was for girls being more delicate and dainty. I think this goes to show that even this is fluid.
I have also read this before! In Europe and for hundreds of years, pink was a baby BOY color because it was associated with red, which [as you mention here] has a fierce and masculine connotation. Blue was considered a GIRL color because it was delicate and soft. I always found it so funny that we’ve somehow just flip-flopped in this tradition! Just goes to show you that everything can change if given time!
so many great comments here. Children will probably get teased anyways, so they might as well be true to themselves. it takes time for things to change, and it takes even longer if we quiet our voices.
It’s not in the subject of clothes, but I’ve been dealing with this sort of situation concerning my MIL. My partner and I have chosen a specific and meaningful name for our daughter that may sound a bit offbeat, it’s ‘Oona’ and it’s a very old Celtic name. I’m coming up on my due date [so baby hasn’t actually been born just yet] in the next couple of weeks and we’re both very happy and sure of the name we’ve chosen, but my MIL is constantly [and I mean REALLY constantly] ‘suggesting’ other names and insisting that Oona is far too silly sounding. She often makes fun of the name, pairing it with little phrases like Oona-Boona-tuna or Oona-Petunia. None of this bothered me much until she recently decided to tell us that instead of calling Oona by this silly name we’re giving her, MIL is just going to pick a name that she likes better, and call her that instead. This was the last straw for me, and I’m now sincerely worried about the effect of this attitude on my daughter. I expected that other kids and even other parents might find the unique name to be a bit odd and may say something about it, but for Oona’s own grandmother to mock her name AND refuse to use it is just too much. I have a unique name as well, and while I could handle the other kids and strangers who told me it was weird, hearing the same criticism/attitude from my family would have broken my heart! I don’t know what to do about the situation, so I’m trying to just keep calm and stay strong in my convictions, hoping to explain to Oona that her name is beautiful and is a gift that I gave her because I love her, even if others don’t understand that. 🙁
Stay strong! Oona is a beautiful name. It won’t sound silly to MIL once she gets used to it. 🙂
Bryn – I named my Jan 2013 baby girl Oona! It must be a Jan baby thing 🙂 when I told my mom we were naming her Oona I got a similar initial response “really? No!” It was very disheartening to have my mom not be supportive of a name I loved. But she got used to it and now loves the name. BTW – my MIL has taken to calling her Oona Petunia as a nick-name and we love it. It’s all in your attitude, if you say it with love your daughter will feel it with love.
Sorry to use abbreviations, MIL stands for mother in law, for those who don’t know. I just didn’t know how else to refer to her, since I wanted to keep her name out of the post.
I was a major tomboy, and dreading having a girl – luckily my only is a boy, so I can connect w/ him on possible interests.
But the flipside of that is that I’ve realized how much of our societal “norms” we *learn*. My son too went through the baby-doll phase, lip ‘gloss’ (balm) & nail polish phase, wanted Dora clothes when Diego stuff wasn’t yet available, and some other “girl” toys when getting a kids’ meal.
Like Jessica & some PPs have said – if a daughter wanted the kewl Transforming toys in her meal, we’d not bat an eyelash – but for a son to want that month’s Littlest Pet Shop is cause for OMG NOOOOO moments.
I’m just trying to let him develop into the overall person he’s going to be – if he makes a choice that runs afoul of “normal” or “typical”, I’ll let him know of the *potential* ridicule. He thinks about it, and usually goes ahead w/ his original plan, saying “I like it, and it’s me”.
I can’t see what else I can do, while being fair to the person he can be, and what I would have done if I’d had a daughter.
Mostly copying this over from FB, but this “race” thing needs to be addressed.
The predominant sentiment in communities of color is that colorblindness is dangerous. Many people of color would feel that race in quotations erases and invalidates the way in which they identify.* That race is a social construct does not diminish the way in which individuals and groups interact with one another, and does not diminish race as a source of pride, community, and strength for people of color. That it is a construct CERTAINLY does not erase the structures of power that oppress people of color, and therein is dangerous precedent of colorblindness.
I’m a queer woman, and I would be mortified if I saw someone put queer, LGBTQ, gay, et al. in quotations because they “chose not to see sexuality.” For both race and sexuality (although I recognize the limits of this analogy that does not do service to intersectionality) is absolutely an erasure of and an affront to how millions of people choose to identify, and the labels and communities in which millions draw their strength.
To tear down racial hegemony does not mean bleaching race out of the equation–it means dismantling white male supremacy from the inside out and from the bottom up.
*I should add that I am not speaking from an insulated place. As a teacher who graduated recently from a social justice-oriented MAT program, who taught at a social-justice oriented secondary school whose population is almost entirely black and brown, and as an activist involved with communities of color in a diverse city, I do not claim to speak for people of color (never); what I am speaking, however, is what I have been taught by communities and organizations and students of color.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culturally-speaking/201112/colorblind-ideology-is-form-racism