By: André Mouraux – CC BY 2.0 My husband and I are expecting our first child in September. My parents are divorced and both remarried.
My mom has some anxiety issues that she generally handles very well, but can get overly emotional very easily when it comes to me (an only child). She has a jealous streak when it comes to my Step-Mom, which is not helped by the fact that while my Dad and Step-Mom live 10 minutes away, my Mom and Step-Dad are a good five hours away.
Has anyone else had to deal with blended grandparents and jealousy? Any suggestions on how to deal with it without ending up caught in the middle? — Lee
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Comments on How do you handle jealous grandparents?
I would just let it be. You will stress yourself out worrying about making things “fair” for everyone. That may not be the popular choice, but it works.
My mother is no longer in my life because she couldn’t get herself in check (something I’ve had to deal with since childhood), but before that she was all about HER grandchild, SHE was THE grandma, SHE was going to do this or that BEFORE everyone else because SHE DESERVED it . . . . . .I’m way too laid back for all that mess. She saw a pic of my son hanging on my dads wall, she lost her mind, blowing up my phone, even begged my brother to “borrow it” and make her a copy. Even before my son was born she was worried about my step mom being at the hospital to see him before she did (jokes on her, I didn’t allow anyone but my husband in the hospital)
That kind of jealousy is just too much.
So, when you send pictures out, send the same photos at the same time to both grandparents. If you need a babysitter, and they offer, take turns between them. I would avoid doing things with one grandma and not the other. For example, don’t take one with you to get baby’s pictures done unless you plan on taking both. There’s also something that seems trivial, but grandparents can get butt hurt about- holiday clothes. I would just buy your own “baby’s 1st” clothes. You can always take pictures of baby in the grandparents outfits, and have them wear yours around them, so no one is hurt.
There’s so much you could tip toe around and stress about. But just don’t, it’s not worth it. Their guilt trips and hissy fits aren’t healthy, and you can point it out to them, if you think it will help. I know I don’t want that kind of negative tension in my kids’ lives.
Lee,
I had pretty much the exact same situation. This is what I did. I wrote a letter to my mother and told her; she is my mother, she will be our child’s Abuela & she will always have my love. Then I told here that once the child is born there will be moments that are uncomfortable for her and that myself and my family need her to be strong.
My mother is a very private person. She and I have never spoken about the letter. I know she has been uncomfortable at times and yet she has not let me down. I love her so much more for facing her challenges. She knows that her problems are hers and she must address them; no one else can fix her.
I don’t have any advice but I wanted to say I hear ya. I don’t even have a kid yet and my mom’s turned into a jealous teenager toward my mother-in-law because we get along leaps and bounds better than I do with my own mom. Having children is going to be a nightmare for me because, same as you, my parents are quite a drive away and my in-laws are around the corner. I know I’m going to take my kids to my in-laws a lot more and I know my mom’s going to guilt the shit out of me and be resentful and bitter. The difference is that, at the end of the day, I don’t really care lol… My parents are kinda selfish so I’ve gotten used to just rolling my eyes and brushing it off.
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I would just let it be. You will stress yourself out worrying about making things “fair” for everyone. That may not be the popular choice, but it works.
My mother is no longer in my life because she couldn’t get herself in check (something I’ve had to deal with since childhood), but before that she was all about HER grandchild, SHE was THE grandma, SHE was going to do this or that BEFORE everyone else because SHE DESERVED it . . . . . .I’m way too laid back for all that mess. She saw a pic of my son hanging on my dads wall, she lost her mind, blowing up my phone, even begged my brother to “borrow it” and make her a copy. Even before my son was born she was worried about my step mom being at the hospital to see him before she did (jokes on her, I didn’t allow anyone but my husband in the hospital)
That kind of jealousy is just too much.
So, when you send pictures out, send the same photos at the same time to both grandparents. If you need a babysitter, and they offer, take turns between them. I would avoid doing things with one grandma and not the other. For example, don’t take one with you to get baby’s pictures done unless you plan on taking both. There’s also something that seems trivial, but grandparents can get butt hurt about- holiday clothes. I would just buy your own “baby’s 1st” clothes. You can always take pictures of baby in the grandparents outfits, and have them wear yours around them, so no one is hurt.
There’s so much you could tip toe around and stress about. But just don’t, it’s not worth it. Their guilt trips and hissy fits aren’t healthy, and you can point it out to them, if you think it will help. I know I don’t want that kind of negative tension in my kids’ lives.
Lee,
I had pretty much the exact same situation. This is what I did. I wrote a letter to my mother and told her; she is my mother, she will be our child’s Abuela & she will always have my love. Then I told here that once the child is born there will be moments that are uncomfortable for her and that myself and my family need her to be strong.
My mother is a very private person. She and I have never spoken about the letter. I know she has been uncomfortable at times and yet she has not let me down. I love her so much more for facing her challenges. She knows that her problems are hers and she must address them; no one else can fix her.
I don’t have any advice but I wanted to say I hear ya. I don’t even have a kid yet and my mom’s turned into a jealous teenager toward my mother-in-law because we get along leaps and bounds better than I do with my own mom. Having children is going to be a nightmare for me because, same as you, my parents are quite a drive away and my in-laws are around the corner. I know I’m going to take my kids to my in-laws a lot more and I know my mom’s going to guilt the shit out of me and be resentful and bitter. The difference is that, at the end of the day, I don’t really care lol… My parents are kinda selfish so I’ve gotten used to just rolling my eyes and brushing it off.