Posted byTara and her partner are at odds: he wants to adopt, she wants to have biological children. How can they meet in the middle and both be happy?
I’m still a parent-to-be considering family options with my partner. He and I have been together for 6+ fantastic years, are in our late 20’s, and are getting serious about starting our family. What that family looks like, though, is something we’re divided on.
I have an inherant need to have a biological child, period. I know I would feel a deep sense of loss were this to not happen for any reason. He is a huge believer in adoption, to give homes to children who are already in the world. He’d rather not procreate and just adopt two children. After long discussions, we agree that the hypothetical “best” scenarios for the children might be either two adopted kids or two biological kids — this being because there would be no risk of the potential conflict of an adopted kid’s resentment/sadness over the from-birth experiences of their sibling. However, one of us would feel a strong sense of loss in either scenario.
I would love to have a blended (bio/adopted) family, but would be fine with two biological children. I think a blended family could be beautiful and that the positives would outweigh the potential downsides. He would prefer two adopted kids, but would prefer the blended family over not getting to adopt at all. I hope we’ll end up both feeling positive about a blended family as our choice.
Tell me, Offbeat Mamas, Papas, and EVERYONE: how can we find a common ground?
I agree with all the comments suggesting that you adopt one and birth one 🙂
Also, I am no expert on adoption by any means, but my cousins adopted their two children at birth. (Both the children have the same mother, though they’re a few years apart.) If you were able to adopt a child at or near birth, I would think its memories would be pretty similar to a child that was born from your body. For the second child, my cousin actually took hormones that allowed her to breastfeed, so the child even had that experience.
I honestly have no idea what those kinds of adoption entail, or how my cousins got their, uh, “hookup,” but I did want to point out that the child’s “from-birth” experience may not have to be all that different. Obviously later in life, both your kids would have questions, doubts, etc…but so does EVERYONE.
I’ve never commented before, but felt I should for this post.
I grew up the oldest of six children, one of whom was adopted (we also had plenty of foster children trek their way through our lives). My brother has NEVER felt “left out” or less of a child to my parents. My family went through several major struggles from actually bringing a new child into our home, to parental visitation, to terminating those parental rights… And the love my parents have and show towards my adopted brother is no different than they show for their biological children.
My mother talks about the day my brother first came to stay with us and the following months getting to know one another, the same way she talks about having the rest of us. “You were so funny, you would say this or do that…”
Different children need different things, such is the nature of diversity, and it doesn’t matter if the children are biological or adopted. But all people need love.
I have 1 sister who was adopted and 1 who wasn’t and I adore them both. My sister was adopted out of birth order and I don’t really think it matters too much (at least in our case it didn’t) – but having seen other situations – boys are more competitive than girls, and that could be more of an issue with boys maybe?
One thing I would like to share about adopted children vs biological children: When you have a biological child, it can be very hard to separate the sub-conscious idea in your head that the child is somehow a mini version of yourself, and to expect that child to behave like you did & to like the same things. This can cause conflict when, for example, you were outgoing and your bio child is shy, or you were bookish and your bio child is athletic (and rowdy).
With adopted children, this can be a little easier, since you tend to take a more “let’s see how this little personality unfolds” without the personal baggage. You can ‘discover’ their talents without preconceived ideas of how they ‘should’ be.
(ie: wow, you are very good at piano! –vs– of course you can play piano well, your father and I both did –or worse– I don’t understand why he can’t play well when his father and I were both so good)
It’s not the first thing that comes to most people’s minds, but I think there can be some advantages to adoption (and to mixed families) and sometimes that is good to remember. Adopting children can help to remind you that you don’t ‘own’ your biological children either – children (bio and adopted) are entrusted to our care only long enough to teach them a few things, to set them on the right path and then they make their own lives – more independent from you than you would prefer usually 😉
I don’t think that family is at all about where you come from. It’s much more about love and a sense of belonging. Children are an absolutely amazing gift, no matter where they come from. In my opinion, as long as you provide a loving, nurturing environment, your family will work out perfectly.
We’re a blended family. Our original plan was to adopt a boy between the ages of 5 and 8 and then later have a baby. We ended up adopting a sibling pair (girl and boy then ages 11 and 9 in 2007) and I’m about to give birth to our daughter.
We’re a queer couple, so the whole genetic relationship to both parents was never going to work, and there’s a strong sense of chosen family within the queer community.
I think many of the other comments have raised some really fabulous points that I won’t repeat here. Adoption is hard – you’re parenting and dealing with a lot of issues that your kids come with. Raising a bio child is hard – you’re parenting and dealing with the issues you created within your kids.
The one thing that was really unexpected for us, and no one else has mentioned, is extended family and their relationships to your children. In my family, there was a lot of divorce and re-marriage, so having un-genetically related siblings and relatives was par for the course. In my wife’s family, the blood/genetic relationship was hugely important for her parents and they did initially struggle with our kids. It’s better now, but with some of the LDs our daughter has (regardless of whether or not she was adopted) having that attachment and connection to her grandparents and her grandparents to her will never happen.
Now that we’re pregnant (I’m carrying – my egg, known donor), I cannot believe the difference in excitement level and engagement of both sets of grandparents. They’re cautious about how we chose to create this child, but their level of investment, engagement and interest is overwhelming. Even my in-laws, whom we expected to have a similar reaction as our early adoption day, have been over the moon. They’re so very excited for this baby to be born. The caution that we’re mediating as parents is that we don’t want our kids to be overwhelmed by the level of excitement that is surrounding this new family member.
As you make your decision, my experience would say to think about how you’re going to deal with your extended families and what they’ll bring to the process. Not a deal breaker, in my opinion, but also a PIA to negotiate.
Thanks so much for sharing this. We’ve discussed adoption, but my in-laws’ reactions are a major concern for me. I know I can’t predict anyone’s response ahead of time, but I just have a feeling that it would not go well.
We knew that everything would be fine with my family, and it was. We were really concerned about my wife’s family, and while their initial reactions to the news of the adoption were what we expected, how they actually acted around the kids was better than we could have hoped for. They’re really great with our kids. That being said, I’m also happy we live far away because they’ve not had to witness any disparity in treatments between grandkids. We know it’s there in terms of a time investment, but our kids aren’t conscious of it in the least.
Took me a while to figure out what LDs were – learing disabilities, correct?
You’re right, and sorry about that. LDs = Learning disabilities.
Thanks for sharing your family’s experiences! I’ve actually started sharing with my family already about what we’re thinking (specifically my mom, stepdad, grandma and cousin) and initially, everyone seems very supportive. Like you, they’ve already accepted our less-than-traditional family dynamic (my partner and I aren’t married and likely never will, and it seems to me that they’re just excited to be grandparents/aunties/great-grandma’s, period.
But who knows-they might have similar reactions to your family around the bio grandchild, and we might need to have similar conversations down the road.
I’m sure it’s obvious to everyone here that the best way to avoid having to go through such a serious decision is to be sure that your partner (regardless if you’re married or not) and you are BOTH on the SAME page. Make sure you’re with someone that also wants Bio kids, or adopt, neither, etc.
Now clearly this isn’t the case for Tara and her partner. She wants Bio kids, he doesn’t. I would personally end the relationship there and find someone who also wants Bio kids, but I’m also not into comprimising either.
Tara, have your two kids (either with your partner or without him) but also adopt two as well, so then you’ll have four children all around. In the end, you both get what you want, and there’s two less kids looking for a home.
I have to say, I’m a little saddened by this comment. Relationships are often about compromise and communication, and I’d never just end a 6 year relationship because my guy said “Hey, I’d rather adopt than have bio kids.” He’s not saying he doesn’t want biological children, end of story, he’s saying he’d prefer to adopt. Maybe it’s just a difference in values, but I’m a big believer in communication and compromise. I’d never just give up on what I want, but I believe there’s always room to try to work toward a solution you’re both happy about.
Also, 4 kids?! 🙂 I’d be fine just having one bio child, and I’d be open to possibly adopting a sibling set but…even 3 kids seems outside my comfort zone. Horrible analogy but I had two dogs, and when I added a third to the mix (despite her only being 13 lbs.), it tipped the scales toward Crazytown.
Communication is always a major key when it comes to relationships. Thats why I said it’
s ALWAYS a good idea to make sure that your possible future partner is already on the same page as you are before you even get into a serious relationship.
Of course either person in the relationship could end up having a change of heart 2-6 years into the relationship. If I were with a man that originally did not want kids but then ended up changing his mind a few years into our relationship, I feel that it would be best for the both of us if we just went our seperate ways. I wont give him what he wants (kids) and so there’s absolutely no way to compromise on that sort of situation (I don’t want to adopt either.) We’d most likely just end up resenting one another until we did finally split off (and it would mostly likely be an ugly split).
While it’s obvious relatinships will always be full of compromises, that doesn’t mean you always have to. Having kids is a pretty big deal, and when one partner doesn’t want bio kids while the other does, that just makes it all the more harder. There are just some fights not worth fighting.
There are some things worth compromising on. As for others, not so much. It depends entirely upon the individual on what is worth compromising. For some, it’s kids. For others, it’s not (like myself).
My brother is adopted. I’m a bio-baby. He came along first, when he was 6 months old. I came along a year later, and was completely unexpected. Our parents remember thinking I was just the stomach flu or a lingering hang-over, as it was around X-mas/New Years. In our family, its actually a running joke now to ask “Your not pregnant, are you?” when someone is hungover or ill. He was first and planned and wanted more than anything, I was an ‘accidental miracle’, but badly wanted none-the-less. Neither of us feel any resentment towards one another. My brother is my absolute best friend, so close that I’ve even already agreed to be his surrogate for when ever he and his partner want to start their little family. He adores me, my husband and our son, and we adore everything about him and his partner. Resentment has never once come up between us, except for the occasional curious/nosy acquittance trying to pry. Our love for each other is so much stronger than that.
My husband and I are going through something similar-ish. We have a biological daughter already who is about 15 months old. He really wants me to be pregnant again in the next couple of months so that we can have our children close in age to each other. I wouldn’t mind being pregnant again, but I have always wanted to adopt and I would almost rather adopt our next child rather than get pregnant. I really don’t think I could handle having more than two kids (I take care of a couple nieces and a nephew as well). But I can’t just tell him that ‘no I won’t give you another bio child’ but I also don’t feel that he can just tell me that we aren’t going to adopt either…it’s something I’ve been wanting to do since I was a young child.
Ugh 0.0
My husband and I are in a very simular situation, only I am the one who dreams of adopting, this is very important to me, whereas my husband wasn’t sure on children at all and he has NO interest in adopting. I know he would adopt as he’d do anything to make me happy but I feel this is something we both need to be 100% comitted to. In the end we agreed on having a bio child as I desperatly wanted to be a mum and and felt this was a fair compromise. Our beautifull baby girl was born 6 weeks ago and I am a very happy mummy! My husband is loving being a dad has lost any reservations about having children ( he had a bad childhood and was worried he’d turn out like his father) so I’m hoping in the future he’ll warm to the idea of adoption. To me, one bio and one adopted sounds like the perfect compromise, it’s what I’m hoping for, and I’m sure you can make it work.
My partner is from a blended family. His mother hadn’t been trying for a child, but was in the active process of fighting for custody of a child she had been fostering for several years. However, on the day that she was granted custody of her adopted daughter, she also found out she was pregnant with my partner. Not only do both siblings feel loved and wanted within their family, but there was never any anxiety or discord between the two of them over one of them being biological and one being adopted. I know every situation is different and the possibilities are almost endless, but that is how their story played out. I wish you and your partner the best as your journey into parenthood progresses.