By: Phil Whitehouse – CC BY 2.0 I have a nine-year-old stepson. I’ve been in his life since he was two-years-old. We’ve always split time 50-50 between the houses. My partner and I are definitely offbeat. We’re tattooed, politically radical and activist-y, feminist, intentionally unmarried, and atheists. Around the time my stepson was four, his biological mom “found Jesus” and joined an evangelical, fundamentalist church. Needless to say, this was a difficult transition. Up until now it’s been frustrating because his mom had tried to impose her values on our household.
BUT NOW! Now, our little dude is coming to our house and evangelizing to us, trying to convert us. The other day he told us he announced to his church that we were atheists and asked the entire church to pray for us. I’m angry at mom, but I’m even more sad. I feel like he’s a kid I don’t even know anymore. My partner was raised in a similar household and is dealing with it better than I am.
I don’t want to push him away, but I feel it happening. How do I continue to support him without supporting these hurtful ideas? — Suzy
You might get a few ideas from this post about letting your kid choose his/her own religion and this post about raising freethinking children in a religious community, but we’d love to hear from Offbeat Families who’ve had experiences with similar situations…
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Comments on I’m an atheist but my step-kid is religious: how do I respect his beliefs while expressing mine?
As someone who is a firm believer in the Bible, God and Jesus Christ, I have to first say that I am so sorry if any “Christians” have told any of you that you or someone you know are going to hell for one reason or another. No one knows WHO is going to hell and no human can say with any authority that you are or that someone you love or know is.
That being said, I agree with all of the people that were saying to allow him the freedom to express his beliefs. He definitely isn’t saying things to hurt you. He is most likely doing it because he loves you very much.
I was raised in the church but when I got old enough, I was allowed to choose whether or not I wanted to go. I just happened to be a child that chose to go to church. But I so appreciate that my mom allowed me the choice. She didn’t force her “religion” down my throat. At some point, if it really was faith, it had to become mine. I had to take ownership of it or drop it altogether.
Ask him questions about his faith. Allow him to ask you questions about the things you believe or don’t believe. Create a positive atmosphere of sharing beliefs and open conversations about what most people believe are taboo topics. Always let him know that you’re there to listen and there to answer any questions he may have. Always let him know that you love him.
In time, he will choose to believe what he wants. But it will always be better if he chooses what he believes because he knows that he CAN choose, rather than him choosing a belief because one belief or another was shoved down his throat.
I’m sure that you’re a wonderful parent and once this conversation happens, it will come a lot more naturally than you think! =)
I love this post for so many reasons. When I was 14 years old, I was raised with a background of methodist and southern baptist. Then my mother decided to step in my teenage years with husband #4 and take me to be raised with her. Now the husband at the time while we lived in NC did not mind my beliefs. I wasn’t over-zealous as a christian, but I did pray for people. I was kind to everyone I met and if someone didn’t like me, yes, I did pray for them..I prayed they would find peace and not hate in their heart. I wasn’t taught to hate others for their beliefs (other than that one fire and brimstone southern baptist church) and got along with a lot of people with different beliefs than me.
Then we had to move to south Florida to his parents (aka the slave-drivers who made me and my sister clip their lawn with scissors, told neighbors that my mother and us were “hired help”, and basically treated us as second-class citizens). They one day couldn’t hide from their catholic friends that we were their son’s step children, so they decided to be “accepted”into the family, we all had to become catholic. I stood my ground and said I’m staying where I’m at in my faith and wasn’t going to be FORCED into being a member of a church. My mother even defended me and after my step-parent argued into the ground, I finally gave up to keep peace, but I made it clear to the religious counselors why exactly I was there. (Which helped us get a condo AWAY from these evil people. )I still took the classes and became confirmed, but my heart was still in the river n’ reeds bible belt southern revival faith.
Don’t get me wrong, the classes were historically educational and outlined the belief in a way that interested me in knowing more about how the Christian faith as we know it today came about. Even after being confirmed I attended a variety of catholic churches wherever I lived. It was a wonderful sense of community I would love to go back to maybe one day.
I still grew up just fine with my own belief system that is based majority on a person’s character and morals than anything else. My mother took me to buhddist (sp?) temples and strongly encouraged that I can believe in whatever I wanted, as long as it didn’t hurt anyone or compromised who i truly am.With this, I respected whatever religion she tried and I kept with what i believed, feeling like a stronger person for it and still free to believe what i wanted. I guess what would help at a young age is to teach how these beliefs originated. You would be surprised how much a kid remembers about those kinds of things. I’ve been able to sit and teach my niece-in-laws how christianity came about while still keeping them steadfast in their belief and give them a concrete historical foundation to work on, as well as someone to ask about other beliefs and showing them, TEACHING them that no one faith is perfect, no one belief or religion is the answer to everything. But i let them know that those beliefs are sometimes enough for some people, even if you don’t agree with them. It helped me to hear those same words from my own mother. I didn’t hate muslims or jews, I despised pure unkindness towards others and those who wanted harm on other people for no reason.
Let your child know that you love him more than anything and that though he thinks you “need” to be saved, point out to him about other things in his life that can deflect this zealous move. Show him that volunteering and helping other is “saving” people in a way, YOUR way. Telling him that and practicing what my grandmother used to say, “There are people who NEED church and people who do God’s work without the motivation from the pulpit.” I guess to keep him from probing until he understands better, show him that you are one of those people who doesn’t need church, and does good deeds without having to have a church or religious belief behind you. It was important when I was younger that good deeds do NOT always have to be associated with God, and that helped me in the future to humanize my belief and care more about someone’s character than if they said, “Amen” after every sentence.
I’m sure whatever you decide will be okay. He will always love you, regardless. =)
I was totally your step-kid [almost]! My mom was a sort of unitarian/universalist, general-purpose, liberal Christian who remarried a European “Catholic” engineering professor after she and my dad divorced. My dad was a Fundamentalist, Southern preacher. Don’t ask how they ever got together long enough to make my sister and I because I haven’t got a fucking clue (see the pun there?)! Anyway, my dad was the variety of Fundamentalist who believes that a) if you’re not a Christian, you don’t get to go to heaven and b) “Christian” has an extremely narrow meaning. For him, believing that Jesus is God isn’t enough. You also had to believe in a completely literal interpretation of the Bible and that only Christians go to heaven because [insert long, off-topic, uninteresting explanation of religious dogma here]… Long story short, I became convinced, at about the age of 9 now that I think about it, that my mom and stepfather were hellbound. I reacted, predictably, by trying to evangelize her. In my 9-year-old wisdom, I explained exactly why she would be going to hell and went through a spell where I’d try to argue her into seeing things my [i.e., my dad’s] way. Looking back through the fog of time, I recall that she shed tears on a couple of occasions. Now, I’m not trying to blast Fundamentalists here – everyone is entitled to their own meaning making in this life – but I will tell you that as I grew up and left home and was exposed to more ideas and experiences, I realized that Fundamentalism, indeed, religion of any sort, wasn’t for me. Looking back, I appreciate my dad’s zeal to keep me safe within the framework of his worldview, but I also appreciate my mom’s restraint and the faith she had in me and my ability to find my own way. I have two kids of my own now and I try to be as respectful of their thoughts on life’s big questions as my mom was of mine, even when it was tough for her. She never tried to hide her beliefs, but she also never belittled or mocked mine in spite of the fact that, frankly, they must have been pretty offensive to her. Of course, your mileage may vary, but I think kids generally figure out pretty quickly who treats them with dignity and who doesn’t.
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As someone who is a firm believer in the Bible, God and Jesus Christ, I have to first say that I am so sorry if any “Christians” have told any of you that you or someone you know are going to hell for one reason or another. No one knows WHO is going to hell and no human can say with any authority that you are or that someone you love or know is.
That being said, I agree with all of the people that were saying to allow him the freedom to express his beliefs. He definitely isn’t saying things to hurt you. He is most likely doing it because he loves you very much.
I was raised in the church but when I got old enough, I was allowed to choose whether or not I wanted to go. I just happened to be a child that chose to go to church. But I so appreciate that my mom allowed me the choice. She didn’t force her “religion” down my throat. At some point, if it really was faith, it had to become mine. I had to take ownership of it or drop it altogether.
Ask him questions about his faith. Allow him to ask you questions about the things you believe or don’t believe. Create a positive atmosphere of sharing beliefs and open conversations about what most people believe are taboo topics. Always let him know that you’re there to listen and there to answer any questions he may have. Always let him know that you love him.
In time, he will choose to believe what he wants. But it will always be better if he chooses what he believes because he knows that he CAN choose, rather than him choosing a belief because one belief or another was shoved down his throat.
I’m sure that you’re a wonderful parent and once this conversation happens, it will come a lot more naturally than you think! =)
I love this post for so many reasons. When I was 14 years old, I was raised with a background of methodist and southern baptist. Then my mother decided to step in my teenage years with husband #4 and take me to be raised with her. Now the husband at the time while we lived in NC did not mind my beliefs. I wasn’t over-zealous as a christian, but I did pray for people. I was kind to everyone I met and if someone didn’t like me, yes, I did pray for them..I prayed they would find peace and not hate in their heart. I wasn’t taught to hate others for their beliefs (other than that one fire and brimstone southern baptist church) and got along with a lot of people with different beliefs than me.
Then we had to move to south Florida to his parents (aka the slave-drivers who made me and my sister clip their lawn with scissors, told neighbors that my mother and us were “hired help”, and basically treated us as second-class citizens). They one day couldn’t hide from their catholic friends that we were their son’s step children, so they decided to be “accepted”into the family, we all had to become catholic. I stood my ground and said I’m staying where I’m at in my faith and wasn’t going to be FORCED into being a member of a church. My mother even defended me and after my step-parent argued into the ground, I finally gave up to keep peace, but I made it clear to the religious counselors why exactly I was there. (Which helped us get a condo AWAY from these evil people. )I still took the classes and became confirmed, but my heart was still in the river n’ reeds bible belt southern revival faith.
Don’t get me wrong, the classes were historically educational and outlined the belief in a way that interested me in knowing more about how the Christian faith as we know it today came about. Even after being confirmed I attended a variety of catholic churches wherever I lived. It was a wonderful sense of community I would love to go back to maybe one day.
I still grew up just fine with my own belief system that is based majority on a person’s character and morals than anything else. My mother took me to buhddist (sp?) temples and strongly encouraged that I can believe in whatever I wanted, as long as it didn’t hurt anyone or compromised who i truly am.With this, I respected whatever religion she tried and I kept with what i believed, feeling like a stronger person for it and still free to believe what i wanted. I guess what would help at a young age is to teach how these beliefs originated. You would be surprised how much a kid remembers about those kinds of things. I’ve been able to sit and teach my niece-in-laws how christianity came about while still keeping them steadfast in their belief and give them a concrete historical foundation to work on, as well as someone to ask about other beliefs and showing them, TEACHING them that no one faith is perfect, no one belief or religion is the answer to everything. But i let them know that those beliefs are sometimes enough for some people, even if you don’t agree with them. It helped me to hear those same words from my own mother. I didn’t hate muslims or jews, I despised pure unkindness towards others and those who wanted harm on other people for no reason.
Let your child know that you love him more than anything and that though he thinks you “need” to be saved, point out to him about other things in his life that can deflect this zealous move. Show him that volunteering and helping other is “saving” people in a way, YOUR way. Telling him that and practicing what my grandmother used to say, “There are people who NEED church and people who do God’s work without the motivation from the pulpit.” I guess to keep him from probing until he understands better, show him that you are one of those people who doesn’t need church, and does good deeds without having to have a church or religious belief behind you. It was important when I was younger that good deeds do NOT always have to be associated with God, and that helped me in the future to humanize my belief and care more about someone’s character than if they said, “Amen” after every sentence.
I’m sure whatever you decide will be okay. He will always love you, regardless. =)
I was totally your step-kid [almost]! My mom was a sort of unitarian/universalist, general-purpose, liberal Christian who remarried a European “Catholic” engineering professor after she and my dad divorced. My dad was a Fundamentalist, Southern preacher. Don’t ask how they ever got together long enough to make my sister and I because I haven’t got a fucking clue (see the pun there?)! Anyway, my dad was the variety of Fundamentalist who believes that a) if you’re not a Christian, you don’t get to go to heaven and b) “Christian” has an extremely narrow meaning. For him, believing that Jesus is God isn’t enough. You also had to believe in a completely literal interpretation of the Bible and that only Christians go to heaven because [insert long, off-topic, uninteresting explanation of religious dogma here]… Long story short, I became convinced, at about the age of 9 now that I think about it, that my mom and stepfather were hellbound. I reacted, predictably, by trying to evangelize her. In my 9-year-old wisdom, I explained exactly why she would be going to hell and went through a spell where I’d try to argue her into seeing things my [i.e., my dad’s] way. Looking back through the fog of time, I recall that she shed tears on a couple of occasions. Now, I’m not trying to blast Fundamentalists here – everyone is entitled to their own meaning making in this life – but I will tell you that as I grew up and left home and was exposed to more ideas and experiences, I realized that Fundamentalism, indeed, religion of any sort, wasn’t for me. Looking back, I appreciate my dad’s zeal to keep me safe within the framework of his worldview, but I also appreciate my mom’s restraint and the faith she had in me and my ability to find my own way. I have two kids of my own now and I try to be as respectful of their thoughts on life’s big questions as my mom was of mine, even when it was tough for her. She never tried to hide her beliefs, but she also never belittled or mocked mine in spite of the fact that, frankly, they must have been pretty offensive to her. Of course, your mileage may vary, but I think kids generally figure out pretty quickly who treats them with dignity and who doesn’t.