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My best friend lives 5½ hours away and we love to visit. Every time we visit, though, the house is a complete disaster — you trip over the abundance of shoes upon entering, then it’s navigating through the crumbs, toys, and papers. The stairs are littered with clothes (slip hazard for my son). The kitchen counters are so cluttered you wonder how they cook. Laundry room doubles as dining and kitchen with baskets of “are they clean or dirty?”This last trip, I had a moment alone in her house, and, while watching her kids, I cleaned up so that I’d feel better.
I don’t know how to approach her about this because I am not comfortable staying there anymore unless it’s cleaned up. I love her like a sister, we’ve been friends for 12 years, and I don’t want to stop visiting. But I don’t want a fight because we have different priorities.
Anyone have advice on how I can broach the possibly-sensitive question of asking her to clean up before I visit? -Emily
Oof, that’s toughy…
We’ve talked about ways to get your partner to help clean, ways to cope with extreme messes like hoarding, and even embracing the mess and throwing a party amongst it. But how do you ask your friends to clean up before you come over? That could get emotionally messy.
Any suggestions, Homies?
Hey Homies! Chiming in here to remind everyone to keep this conversation respectful. I’m seeing a lot of name calling and harsh HARSH judgements going on in the comments. I think the question is solid, I totally get it. I’ve been on BOTH sides of the issue. So let’s discuss it respectfully. After all, it’s Thanksgiving, can’t we all get along!? 😉
And remember the handy dandy comment policy song:
Offer to host her at your house.
You don’t. She knew you were coming and for whatever reason couldn’t or wouldn’t clean up. Accept the mess as the price to pay for seeing your friend. If it helps, try to go out and do things during your visit so you’re not sitting in the clutter.
You don’t. It’s rude. Either stay at a hotel when you visit, clean up when you get there, or don’t visit. It clearly doesn’t bother your friend and unless you want her to be an ex friend, I’d keep my mouth shut.
I don’t think you have that conversation. If it bothers you that much (and they don’t seem bothered) then you get a hotel room when you go to visit.
If it seems like this is an issue for them then you can ask if they are feeling overwhelmed. You can offer to help clean and organize during your stay. You can offer to listen to what feels out of control and help them figure out what they need because there could be bigger issues involved.
If they are truly happy in their space and you can’t afford to stay somewhere else then you just have to decide if you can put up with the mess to see your friend. Maybe offer to host them at your own house?
Overwhelm could definitely be a factor. I used to have major problems with cleaning (and still have pretty significant problems with organization) because I have ADHD that wasn’t diagnosed until I was 26, so a) I would get distracted in the middle of all but the very smallest cleaning jobs, and b) I had a tendency to just kind of not see small messes in the first place. So it ended up that my place was totally filthy and I hated it, but I was too overwhelmed to fix anything about it, even when I knew I had company over and I tried to clean beforehand.
You don’t say a single thing! It is so rude. You say you’ve been friend’s for 12 years. I’m guessing if she’s always been messy then why is it suddenly an issue? if it’s a recent thing, then maybe she has other stuff going on. A chronic condition, young children, mental health issues, working late hours etc.
As someone who struggles with a chronic pain condition whose house is almost constantly messy now. I would be mortified if someone were to tell me it’s messy, I know it is messy as I have eyes. I spend a great deal of my life trying to fight through pain to attempt to keep my once spotless home, tidy. However if a friend is round I would rather use my precious energy seeing that person that trying to clean up. Maybe she would be appreciative if you helped her tidy it, maybe she’d be embarrased etc. Maybe she would like to meet you somewhere else not messy but struggles with social anxiety/mobility etc.
I’m sorry but if someone’s messy house is a reason for you to consider not being their friend anymore, especially after 12 years then your not really a very good friend in my opinion.
I’m sorry about your condition. I hope you’ll/you have found a way to cope that works for you.
However, as a person who suffers from OCD and severe germophobia, it’s also difficult to visit a very messy home. I’m not implying Emily suffers from one such thing, but nonetheless, messes and dirt can make you feel unwelcome and trigger anxiety. In your case, naturally, you only have so much energy and/or money and you choose to spend it not cleaning or on a cleaning lady/man, but on your friends and health.
What I’m trying to say is, don’t judge the depth of someone’s affection for a friend by how they feel. The fact that Emily may have been dealing with her friends’ not-so-Stepford home for 12 years despite her own feelings, marks her as a friend indeed as far as I’m concerned.
I agree!
I’m a bit germophobe as well and I suspect I may be a bit OCD too. Believe me messy dirty things freak me out.
Not actually mess and disorganization. I even consider myself messy! Well! I am! Lol
But dirt?
Just talking about it makes me freak out.
Just reading her post drove me crazy imagining the situation.
I feel like screaming. I have a huge issue with bathrooms and just imagining how her bathrooms are really made me scream. O.o
Like you said, I’m also not saying she has this issue but I do understand her problem soooo well!
But still! I don’t think she should say anything.
Visit her and stay at a hotel. Try to get together out of her house.
Saying something will destroy your friendship.
I have friends like that 🙁 they live closer tho. And I do visit (not often) but I leave when I have to pee. 🙁
Friends you can keep for 12 years are hard to find! So don’t say anything!
I’d never ever ever say anything!
Apart from the last paragraph, I completely agree with this. The is a thing called the Spoon Theory, and I encourage everyone to read it: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
I deal with chronic pain too and my house is far from as tidy as I’d like it to be. However, even though I am anxious about letting people see my place, I often have people over for an evening because 1) it’s easier for me to deal with pain if I am home and 2) seeing people can get me through a lot and I really need it.
I can only hope my friends won’t judge me for the state of my home.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: I don’t think that your friend doesn’t care that you’re coming to see her. I think the problem is probably elsewhere and you might get better results by trying to address underlying issues rather than mentioning the mess.
You don’t. But here is what you can do – and you kind of did – tidy up. I don’t know if you have kids. I have three. Even when I just had one my house was clean because I am ocd like that – except the laundry. There was and is always a massive pile of laundry that I have now resigned myself to. When my mom comes to visit, we make it to laundry zero for about a day, but it is a combined effort of massive proportions.
Next time you visit, either stay in a hotel and don’t say anything, or do this:
Show up and clean her house. Tell her you don’t expect her to clean for you, but that you want to help out and you thought it would be helpful. Give her a shoe rack for the entrance.
Please don’t just show up and start cleaning without asking her permission first! – if she admits she’d love your help then by all means, but if she declines then you totally need to accept that too. She’s your friend, not your kid, so it’s definetly “my house my rules”, overriding that just because you feel she’s “not living her life right” ist so condescending and rather passive-aggressive! Openand non-judgey communication will definelty help the issue.
It sounds like you care about her even though the mess also bugs you. To an outsider, I see it as she’s REALLY busy and her family doesn’t help her out that much in the cleaning department (unless she plays with toys and wears tons of clothes and shoes). I’d say all of the above, plus maybe gift her with maid service for her next holiday or birthday (not before your next visit)… because she’s your friend. Sometimes in life, a clean home or the money and time it takes to keep a home de-cluttered is just not a priority. Maybe when her kids get older it will be easier and cleaner, but for now, it’s not. Help her out.
My mom has a friend with a really messy house too – and because they have been friends for almost 40 years, the relationship between them is of such a nature that my mom will help to tidy the friend’s place whenever she is there. It is totally a non-issue. Aunty L appreciates the help, and my mom loves cleaning and organising – it is a win-win for all.
I live in a house with a lot of animals and not much room. We take the best care of our animals (there is very rarely a smell to any them), vacuum every second day… there isnt really clutter anywhere, the benches are quite clean. Hell, we even take care of the garden. Despite the fact that our house itself is as clean and healthy as we can possibly make it, it is really hard to have company over because people make this assumption that our house is dirty because it is quite run down- it never looks “nice”. I guess you could say it is a bit like “the burrow” but with animals instead of Weasleys.
As someone who likes their dwellings well enough, it is really hard to see the judgement go through peoples faces when they come over. I am not blind. I see it and recognize it, I just wish people would understand why my house is this way instead of judging it for being less than perfect.
It depends. Is the problem predominantly clutter and chaos? Or are their actual health hazards? (Things on the stove, insect infestation, unsturdy furniture piled high?)
If it’s the former there’s nothing you can do but either accept it or not visit anymore. If it’s the latter, you could wait until she invites you again and then gently explain that you didn’t feel comfortable (i.e safe) in her home the last time. Yes, this is going to hurt, but when safety and health are the issue do you really want to get sick because you were too nice to be honest? She’s your friend and after 12 years shouldn’t you be able to be honest with her about things?
I had a friend once who was kind enough to let me live with her over the summer while I worked a job in her area and couldn’t afford rent. Her cats were indoor/ outdoor and in the middle of the summer she got a flee infestation. I mean a serious one. I would walk across the floor and come out looking like I’d spilled pepper on my white socks. She knew about it, but shrugged it off. (Oh it happens sometimes. It works itself out.)
I was too nice to say anything or voice my concern so I was flee lunch for about a month before she finally did something about it. I literally sprayed insect repellent around my air mattress in order to get sleep.
It’s things like that you need to mention not just for your own health but hers. But that is an extreme situation. I don’t get the impression from your article that it’s a health hazard, more just a difference in priorities. In this case you have to let her be.
You don’t. You accept her for who she is and what her life is like and you get on with enjoying your best-friendship unconditionally. And if you don’t have kids, then you should know that she’d be pissed off if you brought it up. If she is uncomfortable with the mess, then she’ll confide in you, and then you can offer to help.
Honestly nothing you have mentioned here constitutes as a health hazard or particularly unhygienic- so it’s really just your own personal hang-up of not liking mess and untidiness.
I tidy up when people are coming over, and I get horribly anxious about it. I worry so much that people will judge me because of the baby socks left on the sofa or the books piled on the coffee table that I dread having people over. If I know someone’s coming, I get up at the crack of dawn to scrub soap marks off the shower door and organise the shoe box. I worry so much I get knots in my stomach and nag my husband and kids to PLEASE JUST STOP MAKING MESS UNTIL ____ HAS GONE!
The exception is a very few, very close friends. When they come over, I don’t worry, because I feel like they won’t judge me and love me as I am. I think “you’re here to see me, not judge my home” and it’s okay.
If one of them told me to tidy up, as you’re planning to? I honestly don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable around them again.
The only thing you can manage here is you. It’s her space and she has the right to have it how she wants it, there is no international law of acceptable tidiness standards that if someone falls below it anyone has the right to challenge them. Unfortunately…
When I have people staying I wouldn’t dream of having the place looking how you describe, for me making it clean and tidy is my way of showing love. That doesn’t mean that someone who doesn’t do that isn’t showing love, like my parents who are unbelievably messy…..
You say you love to visit her but this has clearly become a big issue for you if you “had” to tidy to make yourself feel ok there. What I’m getting at is, and I could totally be projecting here so sorry in advance, is are you 100% certain that messy just means messy for you? I know that with my parents my anger at their physical mess is actually about my anger at the fall out of their emotional mess when I was a child. I find it much much better to not give in to that urge to tidy, because in the end I am still angry that I “had” to do what they were not doing. When I get angry at their mess I try and just walk away to another part of the house and let it go now, basically I don’t try and clear up etc when I visit unless I’m asked to in response to offering general help etc. I do actually enjoy visits more this way, despite the fact that the mess hasn’t actually changed at all!
First has she always been like this? If she hasn’t take her out and ask if she is okay, like is she feeling overwhelmed, stressed, filled with anxiety, depressed, etc. BUT DON’T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE MESS. She has kids, kids are messy, husbands can be messy and unfortunately most don’t pick up after themselves. That’s the plain truth.
I agree with the comments above. There’s *no way* to have this conversation without seriously hurting her feeling and damaging, perhaps ending the friendship. Stay in a hotel, eat out, try any way to minimize your unease.
Do you have any idea why she can’t or won’t clean? Does she suffer from depression, is she unable to cope with the scale of her house or can she just not be bothered to clean? Perhaps you can offer to help her if the problem is with her psychological state (sorry, I don’t know the ‘proper’ way to say such things, don’t mean offense!). however, if she just can’t be bothered, there’s nothing you can do about it if it is your wish to keep visiting her. Best of luck!
It could be that you have different priorities but it could also be that she is depressed, I know that’s why my place is a mess! Ask her how she is feeling without focusing on the house.
At the end of the day, she is doing you a favour by hosting you in her home, if the accommodation on offer isn’t up to your standards then stay in a hotel when you visit or invite her to yours.
Am I the only one who agrees with the OP? Honestly, I think it’s unbelievably rude to invite someone to your house and then expect them to trip over piles of shoes at the front door and eat at a table full of dirty laundry. I get it; life can be busy. But I have 2 kids (one with special needs and a third on the way), 3 pets, a full-time job, and we live in an almost-100-year-old, 1200 sq ft house. Our place is always tidy when we have guests because I expect all members of my family to clean up after themselves and be considerate to our guests. Of course, not everyone is as organized and I do understand when I go to places with a messy kitchen or toys scattered across a living room, but the description above goes beyond a typical mess. Asking someone to clean up is a tricky situation and is best done by simply asking if there’s any way you can help. She might shrug you off and insist that everything is fine, but if you start washing her dishes when you bring it up, she might catch the hint. There’s no easy way to handle it, but I wish you weren’t being called out on your role as a true friend simply because she didn’t have the courtesy to make you feel welcome and safe in her home.
I respectfully disagree, if other people don’t have the same standards then, for me, this does not make them bad, just different. I definitely prefer things tidy and my standards for myself mean I wouldn’t dream of not tidying and cleaning before people came to stay, it’s my way of showing love (or call it courtesy or manners or whatever terms fits with you). If others don’t do the same I don’t really feel I any grounds for inferring that they are not showing love (or have no manners or are being discourteous), they will have a whole batch of reasons and motivations I know nothing about, judging them on my terms is a very risky business and most likely to make me feel hard done by when I havn’t really been.
I do agree totally however that the OP does not deserve to be depicted as not a true friend, this situation is clearly very complex.
Nope! To me it’s a basic sign of respect that you have, at least, clean surfaces for your guests to eat on and space for them to sit. Not to mention clean bedsheets!
Of course if you have a health condition that makes it more difficult, that’s different, and I’m not suggesting everyone has to bleach the toilet and clean the place top to bottom, but…yup.
I agree with you and the OP! I probably wouldn’t say anything if I were the OP because I suck at difficult conversations like that and would rather avoid them unless it was really a matter of life and death. But insulting the OP and saying that she’s not a ~true friend~ because she doesn’t enjoy tripping over piles of shoes on her way through the door is way out of line.
I get it – I am a naturally messy person, and so is my husband. We both work full-time and don’t have a lot of energy to clean up at the end of a long day at work. But I wouldn’t invite anyone over if my place looked like a complete pit. If you’re going to have guests over, you owe it to them to provide them with a decently clean and comfortable space. Yeah, the OP can pick the clothes off the stairs so her son doesn’t slip on them – but so can her friend and it’s not unreasonable to expect that the person who invited you to stay at their place not leave piles of clothes on the floor, on the stairs and in the dining room.
Exactly. It doesn’t sound like OP is asking for a spotless house, it sounds like she just wants the basics (clean place to sleep and eat, and a path to said). Doesn’t sound unreasonable to me, but I don’t have any advice to offer as to how the conversation could go.
I’m really impressed the OP continues to go back. I think the anxiety I would feel over not having an uncluttered space would prevent me from returning. I’m not sure if she can outright request her friend to pick up, but I think it’s fair to ask if her friend if everything is okay and if she can be a help. But yeah, I wouldn’t be able to go back for a second visit. I guess it’s interesting to hear others takes on the issue. This is definitely an area where I treat others how I’d like to be treated…I even bring my own sheets and towels to others homes so I know I’m not being a burden while still getting the things I need. (For reference, I’m 26 and few friends from college own more than 2 towels yet!)
Once as I was changing sheets on the guest bed at my in-laws’ house, intending to be helpful (they had two different guests, two nights in a row), my — let’s add, otherwise 100% spotless — mother-in-law told me, shocked, “Why are you changing those?? They’ve only been slept in once. It just wears out good sheets.”
Ever since, I’ve ALWAYS brought my own sheets and pillows whenever I stay the night somewhere. And if I don’t outright confirm someone thinks sleeping on used sheets is horrifying, I use ’em without qualm. *grin-sigh* A queen- or king-sized fitted sheet even works over a couch.
I completely agree. I’ve been friends with even my most recent friend for 12 years, my other friends for even longer. If I have something to say, I just say it, albeit politely. “Dude, I’m tripping over laundry and shoes when I come in here. Not asking for perfection, but could you please get some stuff out of the way when we’re coming over? I’m really uncomfortable.”
Granted, I’m kind of a cluttered person myself, and it takes a whole lot of crap piled up to make me uncomfortable.
If you’ve been friends for 12 years, you didn’t get there by walking on eggshells around problems you have, right?
I totally agree and I’m so glad you said it! I recently had to be honest with a friend of mine of 30 years. For 30 years I had never and would never say anything about her hygiene, but after my daughter was born and I was invited to stay at her house and me and my wife literally saw dark black rings in her toilet from not being cleaned for months. Not only that but there where also safety issues: she brought a stray Rottweiler into the house who she then keeps after he bites her son in the face, she brushes off the fact that she has an ant infestation after I literally had them crawling up my leg in her backyard, when I was playing with my daughter! I thing is people who don’t regularly clean the toilets are also the same people who are clean or safe in many aspects of their life. Our flight actually started when, after she asked me to stay the night, I asked if she would provide clean sheets. When she blew up about that I told her the truth. I believe that she isn’t willing or capable of self reflection and that, inevitably put our friendship on hold, hopefully not for good but you never know! Sometimes egos are so fragile they’re not capable of repair, but my daughter’s health and safety beats any ego. If 30 years of friendship isn’t enough to be able to tell the honest truth when it really matters, then the friendship isn’t worth keeping.
It’s difficult. For some people untidiness can make them feel genuinely disturbed while for others being able to allow their living space to get very untidy if they’re busy/stressed/depressed is part of what reminds them that it’s *their* space and under their control and thus somewhere they are safe. To name just two reasons for people having differing tendencies regarding tidiness; there are plenty more. The point being that it’s not a trivial thing. [Full disclosure: I’m a messy person. Not unhygenic though; there is a big difference imo.]
I agree with other comments; if it were your house she was untidying you’d have grounds to discuss it, but it isn’t. If she’d love the place to be tidier but can’t make that happen you could offer to help with the attitude of helping *her*, but if she’s fine with it that’s that and you’re probably better off staying elsewhere while seeing her.
My best friend with kids is often struggling to keep up with the madness of housekeeping. She cooks all the meals and by the time that’s done, she has to wash them, put them to bed, etcetera. Then she is too tired to clean, so her kitchen is usually a wreck. I almost always clean it when I come over while she is doing things for the kids. It helps her gain some momentum over the endless feeding/cleaning cycle, and I am less grossed out. 😉 It’s a win-win. That’s what friends are for.
I agree with you but sometimes, especially when you have young children not walking yet, The lack of hygiene can be a Health hazard, and if the friend knew her friend, who is a bit of a Germaphob, maybe she would respect her enough to clean up before inviting her to stay over???
Interesting that so many people think it’s okay for the host / hostess ‘ home to be unsterile. It used to be a part of their job as the host/ hostess to clean the space. Basic courtesy. Original asker, don’t bother with asking to help. Just stay in a hotel. Take them out to eat instead. It’s not worth your own health that they are being a rude host / hostess.
“Sterile” is a difficult, probably even totally unreachable, goal for any place where humans live.
I’m echoing everyone else’s sentiments on this… you don’t have this conversation AT ALL. While you may feel (like Megan a couple comments above me) that what your friend is doing is rude, the key point here is it’s HER house. If she came into your house and started telling you to do something in regards to your upkeep/hygiene/personal living space because “it makes her uncomfortable”, you would find it rude. There are many reasons why she isn’t cleaning up:
– what you consider messy and what she considers messy are two completely different things
– she feels so comfortable around you, and has no fear of being judged, that she feels you can see her at her “worst” (so-to-speak)
– she is overwhelmed and things (like cleaning) have taken a back seat to things like putting food on the table or making sure the kids are dressed.
There are a few ways you can go about solving this:
– offer to have her over to your place instead
– stay in a hotel
– help her clean up
I just want to say, I had a similar situation. Whenever I went down to visit my sister-in-law and her family, the place was a disaster. Front entry covered in shoes (couldn’t even see the mat), study was half-storage, half-laundry, half-study. The kitchen was covered in dirty dishes, leftover food, kids crafts, ingredients for the next meal, toys, etc. The living room was covered in toys, the bathrooms had been overtaken by kids toys and laundry, the guest room was also storage and covered in sewing materials. I found it to be gross, but I always helped clean and offered myself to do anything. This did not prevent me from going to see them.
The problem was being overwhelmed with their lives, and also not having enough space. They have since moved, and the mess is better contained now. There still is a little mess (to be expected), but since they have more space, it’s easier for them to organize and get to the cleaning (and also hide whatever needs to be hidden).
If this issue is preventing you from seeing your best friend of 12 years, perhaps you need to rethink your priorities.
I have experienced being the friend who is told they are too messy. It was an incredibly hard experience for me especially because there were underlying issues.
I had some very severe issues several years ago (as a result of a series of bad incidents) which included breaking down to the point of taking seizures when it came to my house housekeeping. I strugled with keeping the house neat and tidy with specifically doing the washing up and taking the bins out. I would always try and tidy for friends coming round but would desperately try and avoid having them around or keep them to just the bathroom and a living space. I was dealing with the underlying issue that caused me such anxiety but things like going outside and managing to stay in school and keep a job were the main priorities of the help I recieved, dishes came a far second.
A dear friend, who knew about the bad incidents and that I had developed serious issues as a result, came to visit me and stay at mine for 2 weeks, a friend who is extremely neat. I couldnt avoid keeping her confined to only 2 rooms for the duration of her stay and she had previously assured me my housekeeping issues wouldnt be a problem. At about half way through her stay she confronted me about the washing up and informed me that ‘she was just going to do it since I didnt seem bothered’.
For full disclosure I did have a problem with knowing my limits for how many craft items I can have and keeping these in check. Now I have recovered significantly from these issues I also know that I have completely different idea of what is neat and tidy to my friend, my idea of ‘will do’ is her idea of messy cluttered hell.
From this experience I would agree with the previous posters to ask how she is doing. It doesnt sound like she had any of the extreme issues I was dealing with when this happened to me but that doesnt mean that their isnt anything going on. A chat about how she is doing would be a good idea, particularly if you know of something she might need help with such as being mum with a full time job and just no time to go out and buy a shoe rack. My therapist had that conversation with me after my friend had left and it was much more productive than my friend washing my dishes for me, therapist suggested I get a dishwasher and reasured me that this wasnt failing at ‘keeping house’.
It could also be that she sees you as being such a good friend who has known her forever that you wont judge. Possibly you have said something like ‘oh you dont worry about me’ when she has said something in the past about tidying for a visit. Or that you have different mess levels to one another. If its any of these things then being old friends she will understand you staying in a hotel or b+b when you visit because you dont want her to worry or she knows you like things a certain way (my prefered wording because it takes away from her mess being the issue).
I also have friend I’ve known for a long time. Over the period of time I’ve known her, in the last 10 years her flat has become very messy, unsanitary and in my view a health hazard. In her kitchen she has a cat litter tray full of cat shit that’s been left for days, her toilet is very stained and black. She had her sister and 4 kids stay one summer. When me and my husband and 2 kids visited she put us up in the bedroom where her sister had stayed. It was obvious she had not bothered to change the sheets, there was beach sand all over and hair everywhere. Her 2 kids never have bed covers on their bed. The photos on her mantelpiece, bookcase etc is no visible because of cobwebs. She only works part time, but cleaning is not her priority. We love seeing our friends and we often go camping or meet up some places. However I no longer want to stay at her house, but I would never dream of telling her why, it’s not my place to tell her what I think of her standards of living. However it is awkward when she ask about coming over, I have to make excuses now. I’m not the cleanest person in the world, I don’t Hoover and dust every week, but I keep my house tidy. I just can’t stay at her house anymore, I find it too revolting now. I feel sad that I can’t be comfortable at her place, but I can’t change how I feel. But I do value our friendship so I’d never tell her thoughts.
At some point she may wonder why you’re avoiding her. She may assume that you’re not as interested in keeping the friendship going and you may drift apart. All of which might be avoided if you just said “Hey friend, I love you but I can’t deal with your messy house. I still want to see you, but I don’t expect you to change for me because I love you unconditionally. Let’s go hang in the park or go for coffee.”
Sure, it might sting them at first, but it’s better than loosing the friendship because she didn’t know why you were avoiding her.
Unless you feel it is an issue of safety to your friend or any other inhabitants…don’t say anything. My aunts home is revolting so I only visit during the summer when we are outside in the pool the whole time and I stay at a hotel.