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We've all been there some time or other: you and your partner have been together for several years and things in the hay have begun... Read more
There’s a ton of information out there about how to get back into the sexual saddle, but not much about what to do when you’re not able to ride the horse, so to speak.
Right now I’m not able to get it on with my partner for health reasons, but I’d still really like him to feel sexy and appreciated — because he is! Does anyone have any advice? -Anon
How do you get sexy with your partner when you can’t have sex?
So, um, with the limited information provided, I would consider a number of other non-saddle encounters.
Oral, hand, and very many more options are available for both of you. (especially depending on your physical limitations). If you are comfortable, now could be a great time to experiment as there is no way to ruin the ‘end move’ – and it is an excellent time to bond.
Additionally, when you see him take off his shirt, remind him he is hot. Peek in on him in the shower and tell him you’re ‘just checking him out’, that you miss him.
Also, what S says: intimate acts of touching that are not directly sexual but stimulating.
Good luck and if you want more explicit ideas, I’d be happy to provide them.
Agreed with hand/oral and so forth, I’m also a fan of the occasional butt grab when we’re doing other stuff (making dinner, just walking past each other in the hallway, whatever). It’s just a quick little way to say “I like your body”.
This! We regularly grab each other’s butts and – as long as we’re away from the windows – flash each other.
Yeah, I’m oversharing, but you asked, so…
As someone who has been in this situation several times, it’s so important to remember that intimacy is not limited to sex, or any kind of sexual activity for that matter. It takes a little extra effort, but carve out extra time just to be with your partner alone, snuggle together, have meaningful chats, go for a walk, have a special date night together.
Just…love each other, with intent. That’s what’s kept us going through times like this.
My recommendation is to ask him. It’s totally okay to talk to your partner about sex and what turns him on and off. As Andi said, now’s a great time to experiment. Maybe he’s been secretly dreaming of coming home to you wearing a pleated skirt and asking for help with your homework or of waking up to find that you shaved his chest in his sleep. I don’t know. But he does. So talk to him. (P.S. Some of my sexiest times with my husband are when we’re in the car and talking about what porn we like these days, what our current fantasies are, etc. Preferences change, and it’s fun to stay on top of what your partner likes.)
Your partner might like/be open to you watching them (and talking to them) while they, um, lead the horse round the paddock [insert appropriate analogy for masturbation here]. You can get involved if you like, or you can, but in that scenario there’s no expectation on you to, and it’s (arguably) hotter if you don’t 🙂
I really enjoy watching my guys masterbate and just helping them along a little. There’s less pressure on me to get them off (they’re responsible for that part) and I can just indulge in all the delightful eyecandy of them. And watch all the delightful, subtle muscle clenches and facial expressions that you miss when you’re super involved in the act.
I would LOVE to watch my man do this – or have him watch me. But we’re both kind of prude and I don’t know how to give us a push in that direction…
I’ve tried a few things on my end…but it doesn’t end up working out for me – if ya’ know what I’m sayin’ and he won’t even try.
Any suggestions about how to get this started??
Clear shower curtain while soaping up. It is a barrier, it is sexy, and it can be a step.
The book: If it Feels Good – great tips and ideas.
Start with the lights out under covers, progress from there.
Anyone else got some others to help out?
You could try blindfolding the one not doing it…? Anything that reduces the potential for eye contact could make it less pressured.
I don’t know if you’re kinky, or exactly what sort of health issues you’re dealing with, but many (if not most) kink activities don’t really involve sex except as a sort of And Now We’re Done action. Even if neither of you are masochists, light bondage and sense play (trailing feathers, silk scarves, ice cubes, etc) is fun for most people. Do some research, ask him about his fantasies, and keep an open mind. It may just be that dressing up as an actual horse and riding him in a totally non-metaphorical sense is just what your sex life has always wanted 😉
Just as you’re worried about how to show that you still find him sexy, I’m betting he’s probably worrying about how to show you that you’re sexy and appreciated. I think it’s probably time for a long conversation about what’s possible, what you like and what your sex lives are going to look like going forward. I’m sure there’s some anxiety between you about what’s okay to even suggest trying, both in terms of your health and your desires. Chart it out if you have to: Off the Table (Doctor’s Orders), Off the Table (Personal Dislike), Willing to Try, Okay to Do Occasionally, Yes Please!
And come back to the chart each year or so because I’m sure things will change!
Lindsey of the sexplanations youtube channel has some information about this. It’s a little more simple, called a “Want Will Won’t” list. You and your partner each make lists of what you want to do, what you will do, and what you won’t do. Then you try things on the Want and Will lists (while avoiding things on each other’s Won’t list.)
Plus one for the mutual masturbation. Low pressure, super hot and pretty fun, too. Listen to Dan Savage podcasts together to get some ideas/loosen up. Worked for us! Good luck.
I appreciate Offbeat Home & Life’s community so, so much for the valuable comments on posts like this. I don’t have any advice to add from a personal perspective, but in the same bout of feed reading that brought me this post, was one from Lifehacker After Hours about having a sex life while injured that might have some helpful stuff for Anon: http://afterhours.lifehacker.com/how-to-have-a-sex-life-when-youre-dealing-with-injuries-1708429798
Just be judicious about reading *their* comments.
If you can do it… shower time. It’s always sexy. Soap, water, slippery bodies. Can you sit in the bath? Bath time fun, soap each other up etc?
When I was bed ridden I was pretty useless for everything including sex but I could float in the bath and sometimes the guy would get in with me, wash my hair and other things.
Along those lines sexy massages are always good, if you are able of course.
I recommend the following:
* Dirty text-messages, or just dirty notes around the house.
* Talking dirty to your partner whilst they masturbate.
* Washing your partner in a seductive manner, either in the bath or shower (or visa versa).
* Kinky play (or what I call non-sex sex). Being tied up whilst watching a movie together, serving your partner dinner whilst wearing nothing but heels, or just giving your partner an intimate massage.
My partner went overseas for three weeks, and I thought that was the end of our sex life for the better part of a month. Instead, we turned sexting into an artform. Everything from a simple message like, “I can’t stop thinking of you” to outlining in great detail exactly what we were going to do to each other once we were reunited. It was unbelievably intense and intimate, and incredibly sexy. Never underestimate the power of dirty words and the human imagination.
I see lots of comments with really fantastic advice, and I have one simple one to add:
Don’t underestimate the power of really passionate or really lingering kisses.
I’m currently in a lot of lower back and hip pain so even the idea of an orgasm makes me cringe, but Partner and I have not stopped “kissing like we mean it.” Lip nibbles, neck nuzzling, and all sorts of neck-up attention keeps us feeling like we’re definitely still in the stables. 😉
I’m currently pregnant (5 days til due date!) and although sex is safe, it’s not comfortable or enjoyable for me at the moment. We’ve survived the last few months with lots of cuddles, kisses, mutual masturbation & repeated ‘oh god I *miss* you’. Even if you can’t indulge in the act, often knowing that each other *wants* to is enough to feel needed and desired.
Speaking as someone who couldn’t have physical intimacy (due to distance) for awhile, I urge you to never underestimate the power of flirting! Solid coy eye contact, body sensuality, full undivided attention, dazzling smiles, witty word play, small touches (to them, or your hair, neck, etc) and body language all can be not just a turn-on, but a fulfilling sensation of satiation (mostly from the attention we directly get in this situations).
It’s not the exact same situation, but being in a long distance relationship, as well as having a very low sex drive and possibly being asexual, I have the same sort of problems. I second what everyone else has said about emphasising and enjoying intimacy in less or non sexual activities, cuddling, kissing, massage, bathing and showering, even just being together naked if that’s a possibility. One of the things we’ve done is I set up a private (password protected) side blog on Tumblr where we both post and reblog photos, gifs, videos, text posts that get us going. We’re both kind of shy to talk about what we like and we both use tumblr a lot so we found this to be a good way to share. It’s always exciting to log in and see new posts! We also write erotica for each other! Whether it’s drawing on stuff we’ve done in the past or things we’d like to do in the future, it’s nice to show you’re thinking about sex even if you’re not having it. But like others have said, if you don’t feel up to writing a whole story, lil flirty dirty texts and notes and emails are great too! Even just a “thinking of you” with a boob pic goes a long way haha