Being fat isn't a sex-life death sentence: how to be body positive in the bedroom

September 23 | Guest post by Minerva Siegel
milwaukee photographer fashion punk
Photo by Sarah Moore

Confession: I was a covers-pulled-up-to-my-chin, lights-off, minimize-jiggling-however-possible lover. I hated my nude body. I used to think somehow that if my partner couldn't see the parts of me that I didn't like, (s)he'd magically not know about them. I specifically picked out strategic lingerie that hid my belly and covered most of my ginormous booty, and I wore fishnet stockings not to be sexy but to hide all my cellulite and to try to minimize my huge thighs.

I never felt sexually satisfied, because I never allowed myself to be sexually satisfied; I was always too caught up in my own head and insecurity to enjoy myself, and I'm sure my partners could tell and that it ruined the experience for them, too.

Then, I met a partner who finally called me out on it. He lit a ton of candles, ripped the covers off of me, and just stared at me. I've never felt more insecure and uncomfortable in my life. He stood there at the edge of the bed for what felt like an eternity, just staring at me, and when I got the courage to look him in the eye, I saw nothing but adoration, love, and a hunger for my body staring back. I realized he was enjoying me, rather than critiquing me. He took off my tights, my garter belt, my lingerie, and loved me, just as I was.

"Why do you hide behind all this?" he'd said, removing my chemise. "You're so beautiful without it."

That's the moment I had my great epiphany: He knew I was fat. All my partners did. Wearing modest lingerie, turning off the lights and trying to hide under covers didn't somehow magically make them think I'm a svelte little size two vixen. People obviously can tell that I'm fat; it's not a big secret that I'm hiding from them. My sexual partners, too, knew going into this that I'm fat.. and, guess what? They still all wanted to have sex with me. There's no sense in allowing insecurity to hold me back from letting loose and enjoying myself.

offbeathome1

Now, I love freely and without apology, and the difference is night and day as far as how satisfied I am. Sex can actually be FUN. When I shop for lingerie, I choose pieces that I like, rather than ones that I think would strategically hide my perceived flaws the most effectively.

Not only has choosing to be unabashed sexually done wonders for my body positivity, it's also boosted my self-confidence and just generally improved my outlook. Feeling too embarrassed and ashamed to have wild, unbridled sex is a terrible feeling and one that I never thought I'd overcome. The key to opening up (no pun intended) for me was to find a partner with whom I was comfortable enough to allow him/her to enjoy every inch of my body and then try to see myself through their eyes. It also helped to realize that I wasn't fooling any of my sex partners by not allowing them to see me fully nude in the light; they knew I was fat, and they still wanted to love and adore me.

Being fat isn't automatically a sex-life death sentence; it's SO possible to have mind-blowing sex and be overweight (especially with the help of Liberator sex furniture — they make versions specifically for fat babes!).

So, go out there, be safe, and remember… practice makes perfect.

Join our community!

  1. Thank you for this article! I am "before" you! I'm still struggling to accept my fatness and drop the shame; it's a hard battle. But you give me hope and comfort that I'm not alone. Thank you!

    9 agree
  2. You look great! And everything you have written is true, people tend to know what they are getting in for, they still want to get in to it too!

    I also like to be on top, my big boobs are great and tend to mezmerise my partner which helps me worry less about everything else ๐Ÿ˜›

    8 agree
  3. "I was always too caught up in my own head and insecurity to enjoy myself"

    This is so awesome that you could put this into words and then get past it! Sexuality seems like a journey sometimes, doesn't it?

    3 agree
  4. Thank you for this. I've been a big gal all my life. It took years for me to be comfortable with me. I just happen to be more comfortable with me when I have clothes on. ๐Ÿ™‚ And then I got engaged & the panic set it. See, I believe in waiting for marriage to have sex. So I did. But for our short 5 month engagement (we'd been together 5.5 years by that point) I was really worried about, well, everything. Especially my sweetie seeing me. He was/is amazing. Told me I was gorgeous. Loves my boobs & made me feel something I never thought I'd feel…sexy. ๐Ÿ™‚ I still have little bouts of freak out & body shaming, but him loving me for who I am is a real confidence booster!

    2 agree

Join the conversation

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

No-drama comment policy

Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.