#effyourbeautystandards: The number on the scale does NOT define me

February 9 | Guest post by Tash
Posted by @tashisdead on Instagram
Posted by @tashisdead on Instagram. Simple bra harness by the beautiful gals at @unluckylingerie

This has taken a lot of lady balls to post. But you know what?! #effyourbeautystandards! People may make assumptions about me — the way I dress, the way I carry myself — but let me tell you my story…

I have struggled almost my whole life with poor self image. It was a lot worse growing up; it started very young in my pre-teens and it affected everything I saw in the mirror, not just my body. It's only been in my adult years where I've truly started to accept me for me — with the support (and beautiful, encouraging words) of my amazing hubby.

What's funny is that I'm now more comfortable with myself at my largest at 30 years old and 100kgs and a size 16-18, than I was around 6-8 years ago when I was 59kgs and a tiny size 6-8. I really wish I could go back and slap myself when I first thought I was "fat".

Yes, I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

Yes, I battle depression.

Yes, I'm an emotional eater.

Yes, all this affects my moods, energy levels and the way my body doesn't like to shift fat.

I've also been quite sick on and off for the past seven to eight months (which I'm getting tests for to find out what's actually wrong), but this has sadly put a halt on the bootcamp training we were doing several nights a week.

But that's okay! It does NOT affect my worth, and I will keep up the fight. Of course, I still have days where I struggle, but every day I'm a little more free than I was the day before.

The number on the scale does NOT define me.

Now that you've read Tash's amazing body positive message, head over to our sister site Offbeat Bride to see her put that attitude in action at her elegant goth wedding in a cave!

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  1. Please Google " Trim Healthy Mama". It's a life-changer. I am NOT a spokeswoman for them, but it is SUCH an easy plan…..

    2 agree
    • I want to believe that you mean well, but I feel like your comment really misses the point of this post. The poster is talking about the hard work she's put in to accept herself and her body just as she is—which is amazing and definitely not easy in our weight-obsessed culture. Commenting with a recommendation for a diet/nutrition book in a context where no one is asking for diet or weight-loss advice is rude and potentially really hurtful. Please think more carefully about people's feelings in the future.

      63 agree
      • I'm really glad someone else made this point first, and in such a polite way.

        15 agree
      • I am so very sorry that you misunderstood what I was trying to say-I know that a lot of women with PCOS have had great success with THM. I am a woman AND an OB/GYN, and I certainly meant no disrespect-I was only trying to be helpful. My sincere apologies…

        3 agree
        • Thank you for explaining your thinking. Knowing that (if I understand correctly) you know people with PCOS that have found the book helpful makes your comment make a lot more sense. I didn't see any mention of PCOS on a cursory Google search of the book, which made your comment seem much more like a general dieting/nutrition recommendation.

          4 agree
          • You understood correctly-thanks for your reply….I would have deleted my comment if there was a way to do that, but I don't see how I can…

            3 agree
  2. This is so awesome and so was your wedding, btw!
    I struggled with body issues in my late teens / early twenties due to a boyfriend who somehow thought I should stay the same size/weight as when he met me. You know, because a size 0 15 year old body is forever? I got married this past Halloween and didn't worry about my weight at all. I figured that if my husband wanted to marry me then he wanted to marry ME. The slightly overweight, winded by brisk walking, chicken wing devouring ME. After so many years of struggling and shuddering when I looked at the scale it was a really freeing realization.

    10 agree
  3. This is very timely for me. I'm not working and without that external measure of "worth," I've been more focused on other markers, such as weight. Given my history with an eating disorder, I know that's a dark road but… All to say, I appreciate the reminders to love myself for who I am and to appreciate the body that's done so much for me.

    6 agree
  4. I totally get this. I too have PCOS and have a similar body type. I struggle with anxiety, emotional eating, and self care. It is definitely a cyclical problem, when I feel bad I make poor eating choices and don't get the exercise I need and therefore end up feeling bad for a longer period of time. When I feel good about myself and am not in pain then I eat better and exercise more. I am currently at my heaviest and while I would like to weigh about 10 lbs less than I do right now I have also found that there is a point where I don't like how I look when I lose more than about 15/20 lbs from my current weight, which by current standards is still considered overweight. I was very ill about two years ago and was down to about 195 lbs and I just didn't look like or feel like me.

    1 agrees
  5. So much this. I've always had trouble with my weight and am slowly struggling with loving me for me. You are awesome.

    1 agrees
  6. Thanks so much for this and for the thoughtful comments that followed. I go between accepting my size and struggling with it, and it's lovely to read all of these words. <3

  7. Thanks for the comment, I miscarried a few days ago, and am on an emotional eating/effing HATE my body binge… hard to self-love a body that robbed me of my dreams right now… :S

    • I am so sorry for your loss 🙁 I hope you have people around you who can give you some extra love. And virtual hugs from the other side of the internet (if you want them)!

      I've not experienced what you're going through myself but there is a miscarriage tag here on OBH; from a quick browse through it looks like the majority of the posts most likely to be helpful to you are on the second page.

  8. I have PCOS, depression, and emotional eating problems along with anxiety, PTSD and Hypothyroidism. It's rough to exist when people (both strangers *and* family) work really hard to fat shame me for my appearance.

    I cut family ties and don't leave the house very much in order to avoid the fat shaming. I've been working on the emotional eating bit by substituting mint tea when those urges hit and also see a therapist to deal with the other stuff. My son's autism meltdowns still trigger the emotional eating, but I'm doing better. I'm no longer gaining weight and can't stand the sight of Oreo cookies, when before I'd eat two bags when the panic and anxiety hit hard!

  9. I know the struggle. I feel your pain. But…

    You are beautiful, Really honestly gorgeous. Not a "she'd be so pretty if she lost weight" kind of pretty but a "that woman knows who the fuck she is and she owns it" kind of beautiful. Your bravery is inspiring.

    #effyourbeautystandards indeed!

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