Posted by
I recently got married and there is one question that is driving me crazy: “Where is the baby?”Now let me explain the circumstances. We have been trying for a baby for about a year and a half, but only a handful of close people/family know about this. Therefore after the wedding, these questions tend to sting a little, even though I know it’s not the “asker’s” fault.
My question to others out there is, how do you answer this without getting emotional or rude, and letting them know it is a personal issue? And all without conveying our issue in that department? -Noelle
I am going to actually argue with you on one point: It IS the “asker’s” fault. I’m a staunch believer that your reproductive choices are personal — not something to be discussed over dinner, or inquired about in passing. In short, these people should NE-EV-ER ask “where is the baby.”
It took about FOUR YEARS for close friends and family to stop asking me about whether or not that guy I married was going to shoot his sperm into my body in the hopes of fertilizing an egg, in the hopes that I would start forming a human that I might incubate, birth, and raise. FOUR YEARS of people asking me about those deeply intimate activities and choices. Dah fuk, people!?
Which leads me to my second point…
I also believe there’s NO reason to be polite. The people asking you about your sex-havings and reproductive choices aren’t being polite to you. I think four years of our response of “hell fucking no” was jarring enough for people to never forget, and stop asking.
What to say to a formerly child-free person who is now pregnant
I am a self-professed child-free lady. A fellow child-free friend recently announced she was unexpectedly pregnant. I can tell she's feeling pretty rattled and struggling... Read more
In short, I suggest giving it to them straight: “That’s actually a deeply personal issue, and I’d rather not discuss it.” I guarantee that response will not only stop them from ever bothering you about it again, but it may actually stop them from putting another couple in this awkward situation in the future.
A few very related posts from our archived sister site, Offbeat Families:
- Why I’m tired of the mentality that marriage = babies
- How can I politely tell people that my reproductive goals are none of their business?
- Family planning is personal: I’m learning to stop asking questions about what other people are doing
Oh, but Homies, I have ISSUES about this topic. Maybe you’d be less angsty? How would YOU answer the awful question “Where is the baby?”
Before I was really into the idea of children I used to reply with something along the lines of ‘I can’t even keep a house plant alive, what makes you think I could be trusted with a child?’ Then things changed, we decided to have children and had 4 miscarriages. Those questions stopped being merely annoying and became downright hurtful. In the end I broke and had an angry, tearful rant about exactly what had happened, all the tests I had been subjected to and far too much detail about how we were trying again. I’ve never seen someone back away more quickly! I’m now 8 months pregnant and I’m already fielding questions about how long we’re going to leave it before having another one. It never ends! After our previous experience and a difficult pregnancy we are definitely not going to be trying again, but tell that to anybody and they look horrified or roll out the old ‘oh, you’ll change your mind.’ Argh!
Himself and I started trying to conceive before our wedding too. It ended up taking us 3 1/2 years (plus a bunch of fertility biz and a gnarly surgery involving his bits) to pull it off. Whenever people asked about there whereabouts of the baby, we usually went with a shrug and an even-toned “We’re workin’ on it” coupled with a casual subject change. I found that usually served to convey a lot: Yes, we’re trying. No, it hasn’t worked yet. Yes, it actually feels like work sometimes. No, I don’t really want to get into it any farther. In a couple instances the same person asked more than once on separate occasions, and got the same answer, and figured out for themselves that maybe it wasn’t all Cupcakes and Perfect Sperm in Babyland and then they’d let it lie. The people closest to us (BFFs and family) that we shared our situation with knew enough that they never needed to ask – we volunteered the info. Reproductive choices and struggles can be intensely personal, but it can help you feel less mad if you try to remember that usually people ask because they like you, and would be excited to hear that you’re creating more people like yourself. It won’t always work, but it helps.
“maybe it wasn’t all Cupcakes and Perfect Sperm in Babyland”
Truly an amazing expression!
Now I want someone to write a post called “It’s not all Cupcakes and Perfect Sperm in Babyland.”
“Where’s the baby? ”
At home, probably sleeping on our laundry and chewing a rawhide.
My baby’s right here *smooch*
Shhh! It’sa surprise! Jason’s just not showing yet. (Only really works for cis-male types)
“When are y’all having kids? ”
Probably Thursday, as long as John picks up the ingredients for the marinade.
When are you got to charm school?
Well, our friend’s getting a Billy goat in a few weeks, so probably a few months after that.
*snorts and flaps wings, runs around the room making zooming noises*
Ten years ago, if Joanna ever gets that time machine running. We want our offspring to have tiny cell phones with no data.
Not ’till Niagara Falls.
“How come y’all don’t have kids yet?”
To busy answering stupid questions.
That’s what she’s saiD!
We’re trying unconventional methods, but budding isn’t working out.
How come you never clean your kitchen?
When in doubt, conspire with your partner (s) to use absurdist humor or random facts and laugh uproariously at whatever you say.
Ten bucks, same as downtown! BahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Okay, your turn in the barrel Bahaha etc.
Did you know that nail polish remover melts Legos?
A kayak, because ice cream doesn’t have bones.
Does you ever tonk about the fact that birds are reality missing out in the nipple department?
Hard to say. At the moment, you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
This is my favorite thing I’ve ever read.
Oh! And my favorite (which I have TOTally done) is to sigh: “You win. You were right. ” and hand my partner a $5 bill.
It somewhat depends on the people/situation for me. I’ve been lucky in that casual acquaintances usually respond well to my husband’s “our dog eats his own shit, I don’t think we should be trusted with a kid” joke. We do still get told we’ll change our minds, where we generally acknowledge (this is for us only), “we might, that’s why we’ve held off on any sterility surgeries until we’re sure.”
With family, it has been more difficult. When my sister announced her first pregnancy, my Mom started in on the baby needing cousins. It caused a pretty big to-do that ended with me sitting in the back room of my house in Turkey sobbing while friends were over for dinner. They all got told more forcefully that we weren’t sure we wanted kids and that we sure as hell wouldn’t be bringing them into the world until we could view it as a positive and not a disaster. As we’ve transitioned careers and locations (we’ve lived in three different cities in two different states, plus an additional two countries all in the last 4.5 years) they’ve gotten on board with us taking all the time we need.
My BIL probably got the harshest comment from me. He was really pushing my husband via Skype that we should have kids already, it was past time, we were old enough, etc. And it angered me. And I had just had multiple dear friends miscarry. So I asked him, “What if I told you that we’ve been trying for the last year and a half with know luck? What if I told you that we had finally succeeded only to miscarry right before we were going to tell everyone? What if I told you that we’ve been told our chances of conceiving on our own are non-existent?” He spluttered. I then said, “Now, we haven’t been through any of that. But you had know way of knowing. If you don’t know, and let’s face it, unless you’re really close with someone you probably won’t know. It’s not something to ask because what seems like a funny and harmless question could be causing someone immense pain.”
I’m not sure that method would work if you are in the throes of infertility – but as someone who isn’t, I’m all about teaching people not to ask questions that could be ridiculously hurtful. And learning that talking about the weather is preferable to rudely intrusive questions.
Hubby and I were married for 5 years before we felt financially and emotionally secure enough to abandon birth control.
It took us another year and a half of determined, crazy-making “trying,” complete with invasive diagnostic procedures for BOTH of us and a couple rounds of medications that made me go NUTS before we were lucky enough to spontaneously succeed.
We had acquaintances who insisted on shoving their nose in our business the ENTIRE FREAKING TIME this was going on, no matter how many times I told them that I really didn’t want to talk about it.
I love you for jumping down your Brother-in-Law’s throat for doing that. I hope he really did learn, and I just want to tell you OMFG THANK YOU for making an effort to teach people that questions like that just aren’t appropriate.
I’m a big believer in not even touching these questions. My patented Southern Belle approach when asked probing, wildly inappropriate things is to look shocked, clutch my pearls a little, and reply, “My goodness, I can’t believe you just asked me such a personal and incredibly inappropriate question! You must be so embarrassed right now! It’s all right, dear, I forgive you, everyone has a slip of common decency now and again.”
That usually makes people realise they’ve wandered into forbidden territory pretty damn quick, and it is as polite as they come. For really persistent folks who have no sense of boundaries or shame, it doesn’t always work. But casual inquiries? It shuts that whole thing down and usually, folks apologise. When the persistent ones continue, I confess to asking if they want to help or analyse our technique to give pointers, since they’re so invested in the outcome. But I try to avoid sinking to that level if it can be avoided, especially in situations where doing so would have repercussions for me — work, school, etc.
That’s it. Gonna start wearing pearls just so I can do that.
if it makes anyone feel any better, the stupid questions haven’t stopped and my oldest son is 16.
aren’t you young to have a 16 year old son?
that’s what happens when you get knocked up in high school.
your son is how old?
let me save you the math: i was 17.
i was taught years ago that even if you see a baby physically emerging from the batcave there is never an appropriate time to ask about babies or pregnancies or anything. but some people are clueless at best, flat rude and intrusive at worst. i wouldn’t worry about a polite answer to any of them. you have several excellent options for answers provided above.
BATCAVE! So referring to my vagina as the batcave from now on
“To the batcave!!” *bat transfer noise*
BAHAHAHAHA!!
After giving the “when we’re ready” answer repeatedly to a certain relative (we had decided we would adopt, but I didn’t feel ready enough to uproot that much of life), I finally snapped and said “are you going to give us the 10 grand to go through an adoption agency? Because it’s a little more complicated for us.”
She never asked again.
Other people who ask, I tend to respond “it’s on our radar.” Because it definitely is, but there’s no set timeline on it when I was being asked.
Ironically, now that we’ve started through the classes, etc. for it, no one asks anymore as if we’re giving off the “potential parent” vibe.
This question always cracks me up, people do expect you to get down to baby making after you get married. I’ve been unable to have children for quite some time, going from being “fixed” to not having any baby making parts at all. My favorite response is “We try all the time, but it would take an act of God to make it happen.” I’m not religious, but I get a good snicker out of watching them puzzle it out. I also like to use “Ewww, kids, who wants those.”
So maybe a “We try all the time, but I’d have to stop using birth control first.”
Just a tiny note that for anyone wrestling with infertility, I just want to make sure that you know about this archive: http://offbeatfamilies.com/tag/infertility …and give you a big hug and let you know that I feel you. Here’s a post about my five years of dealing with questions like this:
http://offbeatfamilies.com/coming-out-of-the-infertility-closet
Since before we were married my in-laws having been pressuring us to have babies (mostly just my MIL, my BIL and my husband’s grandmother). We got married and it got worse. We bought a house and it got even worse. We had our plan – my husband wanted to wait until we were married a year and I wanted to wait until after my sister’s wedding as I wanted to celebrate with her (conveniently her wedding was about 10 months after ours). At Mothers’ Day last year my BIL would say things like “Do you guys have something you want to announce?” (“ummmm Nope!”) At family suppers he would make a big deal about if I wasn’t drinking (“I am driving”). My husband’s grandmother wrote in our housewarming card that now that we had a house it was time to make babies. Other relatives on that said ask me if I am “practicing” when I am holding my nieces or nephews (lol). At Thanksgiving one year my BIL and MIL were talking about us and making comments about babies (we walked in on the conversation and my husband looked at me and said “unless there is something I don’t know?” and I just said “then I don’t know it either”). And I don’t know if this is better or worse but my FIL likes to deflect and make it seem like he doesn’t care if we have children, so after other people would bring it up he would make comments like “It’s ok if you don’t’ have children. I hear that a lot of couples aren’t having children these days.” If he was sincere about it that would be different but he wants more grandchildren (for him it’s a societal norm) and he wanted my MIL to be happy and he will only be happy with we have children (specially a boy since she has three granddaughters already).
So my husband and I started trying and the comments started to really get on my nerves. We only told a couple of very close people (two being my husband’s cousin and his wife who I am close friends with). We did not need the pressure of my in-laws knowing, especially since I have had friends and family who struggled with infertility for years. (If we had told them that we were trying then every time we talked to them they would ask us if we were pregnant yet.) Even though we hadn’t been trying long (the first comment came our first cycle) I would get really upset when people would bring it up. We only tried for two cycles and we were very lucky to get pregnant. Then we avoided my in-laws a little so I didn’t have to deal with the comments but there were a few events before Christmas that I couldn’t avoid. I was really happy because no one made any comments (I was so hormonal and so sick with morning sickness that I would have probably flipped if anyone asked me). While we were trying and early in our pregnancy I had prepared a line to remind my in-laws that it is a very sensitive issue (luckily I never had to use it) – the gest being that it would be really horrible for them to asked us that question if we had been trying for the last year and were struggling with infertility or if we had a miscarriage we hadn’t told them about so we would prefer that they back off. My BIL and his wife got pregnant without trying; however my BIL did accidently ask a friend about her pregnancy right after she had a miscarriage (it was an honest mistake but it made him feel horrible). My MIL also took a long time to get pregnant with her first baby and it was really hard for her so I figure appealing to that would remind her that she might be excited for us to have children but that other things might be going on. Then on Christmas we announced that we were pregnant and everyone was very excited (now they are waiting to find out the sex).
I have been married for about a year and a half but I have had caregiving responsibilities for about three. People who know me, know this. Caregiving had murdered my social life and put added stress on my work life, so there is absolutely no way to throw a pregnancy let alone a baby into the mix. I’m already getting up in the middle of the night to clean grandma up from an accident on a regular basis, I had hoped after the wedding I could start to back away from caregiving to spend some time with my husband to enjoy being newlyweds before I dove back into getting up during the night to change diapers again, but my family has “had a hard time” finding my replacement. (Hell, I didn’t even get a day off after we got home from the wedding… Landed at the airport, kissed my husband good bye, and went and took care of grandma)
When people bring up the fact that we haven’t had kids yet (it’s usually coupled with a comment about my age, and I’m only 31!!) it just makes me feel like 1. I’m not doing enough already, 2. They truly don’t understand or are insensitive to what I have to deal with while caregiving (Alzheimer’s sucks btw. And my mom also has it so it’s not like I can talk to her about this stuff), or 3. They don’t realize how freaking frustrating it is to really want to start a family but be met with all sorts of horrendous obstacles that shouldn’t be a factor to begin with. It’s never “I know you have a lot on your plate, you’re doing a great job”, it’s “so when’s the baby coming?”
I want to cry right now thinking about it.
Thankfully we have decided to move to get out of this town (it’s isolated with not a lot of job opportunities, and buying a home here is a pipe dream), be closer to his family, and for better job opportunities, so we will be out of here shortly and can begin to focus on starting a family.
Martha, I feel for you. Really. I’ve been there and am still there too. My 80 year old mother was diagnosed with senile dementia 4 years ago when I noticed she’d dropped about 40lbs and got her to a Dr. I then had to step in to make sure she ate every day since my father just took her word for it because when asked, she said yes and would describe something she may have eaten two days ago. Difficult with 3 pre-teen kids and a farm of my own to take care of, but doable. Then last Feb. My B-I-L passed from cancer and my 50yr old diabetic sister had a mild stroke a week later. I am their only other child and therefore, the only one they have to take care of things.
My sister moved in with my parents while she recovered, but then subsequently went blind from diabetic complications. I became responsible for helping her handle her business affairs and settling my B-I-L’s estate, selling her properties and home, as well as seeing that she had meals and medications.
Last summer I noticed my father declining and he wound up with a diagnosis of dementia as well. To top it all off, he had to have emergency surgery right before Christmas and we discovered his stage 4 colon cancer. A week later my sister had another stroke and a couple of TIAs. My mother continues her decline to the point that she must have supervision. NONE of them will even consider assisted living.
One thing I have learned is that you _have_ to set boundaries. I damn near had a nervous breakdown before I had to make a hard stand for myself. I no longer blindly sacrifice my life, marriage, or my kids’ life for their convenience. I am available for emergencies and four days a week for about 30ish hours total.
At least I got them to hire a sitter for nights by forcing the issue. Before then it was “too expensive”. I simply told them that I was strung out and if they needed more, they were going to have to go into assisted living or a rest home.
At some point you are going to have to put yourself first or you won’t have anything left over for them.
My husband & I are undecided on the subject of children. Since getting married (and before) I’ve had plenty of people ask “how many kids do you think you want?” I answer honestly “we are thinking 0-2”. It never fails to elicit an awkward chuckle & complete shutting up on the subject. My coworker who doesn’t really want children but is open to it if his future spouse really wants them told me “good answer”
My polite answers are usually either that we’re waiting until my husband is done with his degree (for mostly strangers) or until we get a better handle on his health situation (for distant relatives). If they get me on the wrong day or if they’re irritating/persistent, a comment about modern medical miracles usually cools things off.
Though over Christmas my husband’s best friend was pushing the topic, so I told him that my boss said that I should just drag one Mr.Me’s friends off into a corner and there you go! Instant baby! I then assured him that I didn’t plan on taking the advice and that he was safe. He had the best look on his face!
During the process of my wedding and the short time after, there was a lot of those questions, though most were thankfully the more respectful “is this something you guys want?” type. My answer usually ended up the same though; “I can’t”. I never felt the need to be ashamed about something that boils down to a simple fact. And while my fertility is a bit more complicated than that, I wanted to be sure that I didn’t just let it be the default that now that I’m married I am both capable of and want to have children. Saying it in such a blunt way as if it’s just as normal to say as anything else does tend to both temporarily confuse the more rude and at the same time doesn’t break the flow of conversation so you can easily move to other topics.
I wish I heard comments like that…because of my constant health issues I get the ‘you poor baby you want to be normal and have kids’ stare whenever I mention it. My MIL even asked if ‘people like me’ have a right to have kids…we’ve been trying for a while over 3yrs. I’m two surgeries for thyroid later and everything is working but my body temp is still so low….drives me crazy to try and fail over and over
That sounds so hard 🙁 I’m sorry your MIL was so insensitive and I hope things work out for you!
I have been wondering about this question too, but from the opposite perspective. I have read offbeat for years, and seen the topic come up several times in different ways.
What I want to know is, is there a way to ask without being a bugger about it? For instance I would never say “where is the baby” because I think that is being presumptuous on a number of levels, but I might ask “so are kids a yes or no”, or “are you considering having kids” or something along those lines, as I have friends who are adamantly in the no column, and honestly I am just curious.
To me it is akin to “when are you getting married?” Which I won’t ask either but might ask if that the party thought it was just a piece of paper, or if it was something they wanted to do. Maybe I am an insensitive jerk, but I would like to know, especially if someone I care about is dealing with a difficult period because of an issue like this.
So is there a way I can make a light inquiry without being a jerk?
I can’t speak to whether this sounds too jerky, but I like to say “do you see getting married/having kids in your life plan?” It seems to let people communicate their preferences without being too explicit.
Of course, I also ask if they see travelling/living overseas/having a pet/buying a house/working at a cool job etc. in their life plan as well, because life plans are about more things than just marriage and babies.
You might try talking about your own situation or mention your child-free friends and see if they comment on that. Only if the topic of the conversation is about life plans, kids or similar, of course.
I think when people are comfortable to share personal information with you, they will do so on their own once the topic comes up. If they don’t, let it go.
*let it gooo, let it goooooo…!*
…damn.
I think I suffer from vaginismus (too paralysed with fear, too weak to do anything about it) and sometimes I wonder what the reaction would be if I said to those intrusive people “actually, I’m too scared to even do the thing that gets you pregnant.”
I’ve been diagnosed with this and this site has been amazing:
http://www.vaginismus.com
Vaginismus is totally something that is resolvable and my husband (of less than a month) and I are working on it at the moment.
We got lots of questions about when we were planning kids before the wedding and mostly told people “we’re not going to muck around” but then in the week before the wedding we decided to wait a year.
I’m worried how I’ll react if asked the baby question at this point… I think I would probably say “after we start having sex” and then I might be embarassed.
Thanks for sharing, and for the link. This problem is such a lonely one.
Hey Octavia,
there was a wonderful article on vaginismus on here, where the gal couldn’t have sex with her husband because of the pain. The comment section was full of commiserating and some advice.
There was also a follow-up article recently where she talked about how she got pregnant and gave birth.
Both articles were really interesting, but I couldn’t find them. Can someone help me?
Sounds like you’re talking about this post on Offbeat Families: http://offbeatfamilies.com/2010/12/post-partum-sex
We also have a post coming up on Offbeat Home & Life about this topic as well. Keep an eye out!
Yes, thank you, Megan, that’s the one!
The follow-up was not imaginary but on a different site. Okay if I link? If not, please delete: http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/giving-birth-vaginismus
I am glad to hear that you’re doing another article on vaginismus. The anonymity of the internet often is the only place people will open up about this.
Hi Octavia! I wasn’t ever diagnosed with vaginismus (um, too scared to go to the gyno), but I definitely had that problem for years. It /is/ a lonely problem, but it is sooo fixable. To get into TMI territory…I purchased a set of dilators for about $50; they turned out to be a life-saver. It takes some time to get used to it (I used a combination of porn to get myself off and then soothing Zen music to practice with the dilator), but you’ll feel so great about every step of progress you make. My husband and I were finally able to achieve penetration about four months ago, which was another adjustment, but after a while it’s started to feel good! If I can do it, you can too. <3
I had conversation that went like this today:
“So have you guys talked about having kids yet?”
“We’re not having any.”
“Really? Why not?”
“We don’t want any.”
“…Oh.”
Sometimes being short, blunt, and to the point is the best way to handle these situations, at least if the person is fairly polite about asking. The “have you talked about it” question is a lot more acceptable in my book than “when are you going to” because the former doesn’t make any stupid assumptions.
I also have a very special response for people who ask questions that run along the lines of, “Aren’t your parents going to be disappointed about not having grandkids?” which is, “That would be pretty selfish of them, considering they aren’t ones who have to bear nine months of pregnancy and raise the kid for 18+ years.” I actually called out a relative for being selfish when he expressed his desire for my fiance and I to have kids. It’s not your decision or your life, buddy, so butt out. He was actually very surprised by the point and also apologetic. I don’t think most people realize how selfish they are being when they’re like “I want you to have kids for MEEEEE.” But they are. It is probably the most self-centered, selfish thing you could say to a person, considering both the short and long-term implications of having a kid. My occasional follow-up if I’m feeling really grumpy is, “If you want kids so much, get your own.”
Annoying person: “Where’s the baby?”
You: “What an awkward personal question.”
….Hopeful end of discussion. If not….
Annoying person: “Haha, but really?”
You, perhaps leaning in to whisper confidentially: “That was me trying to tactfully tell you to mind your own business, but it doesn’t work if you don’t stop.”
Wow, you wouldn’t believe these things happen, but they do!
I was at a family function with my husband of two years, and we were trying but had decided to tell noone. So I was talking to some in-laws when from the other side of the room someone I had just met 20 minutes ago – the partner of the sister of the uncle of my husband’s cousin or something – yelled across the room:
“So, when are you two having kids?”
And the room fell silent.
I slowly turned around and said:
“Uh… that … is a … pretty indiscreet question.”
And was flabbergasted when she replied cheerfully:
“Yeah I know, but I’m just the person to ask things like this anyway! … So, how about it?”
I had that line prepared just in case someone would ask about kids. But I never thought I would need a follow-up. So I just stammered some lies about “not yet”. And I hate lying. But I also don’t feel I should have to give personal details just because someone is so rude to ask.
Afterwards I thought I should have said
“The activity or inactivity of my uterus is none of your business!”, because people get scared if you’re blunt, and also, they are weirdly scared by the word ‘uterus’.
Sadly, or luckily?, I didn’t get the chance to use that line. So feel free to do so, if you need to! The Power of the uterus be with you! 🙂
There is only one way to ask- “Are you planning on having kids?”
Why do I think it is okay? Well, the question is posing that you may or may not want kids, and isn’t judgmental about it. I think it gives you can chance to answer for many situations without it being awkward. Megan can answer her “hell no!” or a “we are trying, but not having much luck right now.” I think it is honestly acceptable to ask if you plan on having kids, but only if the person is going to honestly listen. It’s not cool if every year if your Aunt asks, expecting a different response. I think family does have the right to have a yes or no answer. For example my sister had children and now has old cribs, clothes and toys. By asking and remembering my answer, she knows to ask if I would like to take any of them, or to just take them to donate.
Granted, I’ve been asked way too often in appropriate questions like “When do you think you’ll have kids?” or “When will you give your parents a grandkid?” That is annoying. I think adults asking these questions annoy me more than when my peers ask, since I am young, so I think when friends or co-workers ask, it is honestly curiosity since I am fairly young for my generation to get married. Especially since I have friends and co-workers that are younger than me. To me it makes sense that they would ask since some of their friends had gotten pregnant but didn’t get married and we live in a bad economy where I know lots of longterm couples that don’t get married because of a lack of money. I am sure they think “well surely they got married to have kids right?”
We can’t have children so I’ve always been annoyed with this question. I’ve said “I like cocktails better.”, “Our bits are broken, thanks for asking.” and, on one memorable day, I burst into tears on purpose just to deliver my point. This was only after a few years of questions, though. I’ve usually said “Why do you need to know?” Most people think about it at that point.
Because of this, I always try to direct conversations with newlyweds away from this topic. One day a friend pulled me aside to thank me and ask me how I knew to change the topic. They’d just had a miscarriage and were still in shock. This is such a fraught question that I feel like everyone should really be made aware by people who aren’t hurting that it isn’t cool to act like you have a right to know.
So am I the only one who has gotten married and not gotten this question? We’ve been married for over a year and I’ve heard it twice- once from a person I just met, and one from a crazy old neighbor. My family has kept decidedly mum about it, even though we’ve talked about having kids before.
I got the stupid baby comments from not-so-close friends when we got engaged. I responded with a Facebook post: “Please stop the pregnancy jokes. It’s not as funny as you think.”
I’d like to think that my family know better than to bring it up, and his mother and sisters are more polite than most people — a BIL, not so much, but he knows I don’t appreciate it. The stony look-slow-blink-away combo has that effect…
I’m in the “They should know better than to ask” camp. I got to the point where I was just honest with people, in an unemotional way: “Well, actually, I have PCOS. Since I don’t ovulate regularly, it’s hard to say when we will be able to conceive.” I think that you have to be blunt. This will either make people change the subject, or if it is someone who actually cares, they might get the clue and ask about how you are and try to be there for you.
Oddly enough, the questions actually became more frequent after we had our son. It was like, now that fertility is proven possible, when will you have more??? Um, having one kid is a major lifestyle change, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Honestly, no one owes anyone a baby. Babies as status symbols is a ~disgusting~ part of our culture. I’ve been dating my bf for three years (and I’m only 23) and my mom has started harping on the marriage/baby questions lately.
She does not seem to understand my anger. She’s “just wondering” like someone could just wonder about when you’re going to paint your bedroom like you’ve been talking about.
The thing is, marriage does not equal babies. Love does not equal babies. Sex doesn’t even equal babies. BABIES DOESN’T even equal babies because babies are actually children who need care and who grow up and is a big decision to make and should be respected as such by others.
I tell people as much. This is one of my hot button topics atm.
Love this comment!
My husband and I are still in the “I don’t know if we do – and we may just adopt if we do anyway” camp, and I just want to thank everyone for these awesome answers! I’ve always thought it was a weird and stupid question to ask someone. My poor friend was at her best friend’s baby shower a few weeks ago, and was told “Oh, you guys have always done everything together! You should be having babies together!” not knowing that, yes, they should have been, had my friend not gone through a very traumatic miscarriage a few months earlier.