By: Brad Brundage – CC BY 2.0 My husband and I got married last month, but we have been living together for two years. We both have part-time jobs, we own our own coffee business, and we rent a nice apartment. I am 22, but I have always wanted kids. A lot of our friends and family tell us to wait a few years before we have kids. Wait til we have more money, wait til we have a house, etc. I see where they are coming from, but I also think we could manage having children now, too.
We have names picked out, I know I want a water birth with a midwife at our local birth center, I take prenatal vitamins, I have a multitude of friends wanting to give me their old baby clothes, and I’m almost sure that at least 75% of our medical bills would be covered.
People say that we should enjoy our time alone as a couple, and we do. But we both want children so much and wonder if maybe we would enjoy our lives more with children. I’m not sure if we should go ahead and try to conceive, or wait. I would like to have some opinions: when is too early to try to conceive? — Lauren
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Comments on Is it too soon to try to conceive?
I have no advice one way or the other, but I would like to offer up advice if you do decide to go ahead, at any age. When my son was born, baby blues hit like WHOA but the upside of that is that I was more in love with my husband than I’d ever been. And because of that, I spent about two weeks just wishing that I could go back and be with just him for two days. (I don’t know why, but two days seemed important.)
It wasn’t that I didn’t want my son, I just wanted to be alone with my husband for two days. And we were SO ready to get pregnant and I was beyond ready to get that breech baby out. But that funky cocktail of hormones and just the biggness of life in general made me feel like I’d made a mistake, not in having my son but that I wasn’t ready for my little family to be more than me and my husband.
I bring this up to illustrate that even being ready doesn’t mean that you won’t feel like you started a family too soon later on. When you do decide to have kids, make sure you and your partner are kind to yourselves afterward and have a good support system to help you transition to the newness. And maybe keep a journal of all the feelings you have now and why you’re so ready; maybe it will help you make your decision now, but it will definitely help to read later when you have a Bluth moment and think, “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
We get married at the end of this month. I start the prenatal vitamins tomorrow (I used up the last of the regular ones this morning.)
My fiance and I are getting married BECAUSE we’re ready for kids. Otherwise we’d probably just continue as we have been for the past 6 years, because it’s all working for us. But a child would benefit from the legal and social framework that marriage provides, and also I want a big party.
I guess what I mean to say is, if you and he both feel you’re ready emotionally and financially, then you’re ready. The timing of baby vs wedding isn’t meaningful in this context.
I was in a similar position to you and we didn’t wait. I feel my son was begging to be born, and I cannot regret a second of his existence.
BUT if I had it to do again I would TRY to wait a couple years. We have suffered financially an incredible amount which has made life very hard for us. I had no idea how incapable of doing ANYTHING but caring for the baby I would be for a very long time. All babies are different, and some are easygoing and healthy, and some are also perfect and extremely demanding of extra nurturing because it is what they need. I got one of those extremely demanding of extra nurturing. You might too. Or you might not. Who knows.
Maybe your deep desire is a message from your heart that it’s the right time for you. Nobody can tell you that!
But, prepare as much as you can, consider the impact on your business if you’re unable to work for longer than you expect. Sure babies don’t necessarily require alot of money (though you never know what unexpected things will come up), but they need ALOT of YOU, so be prepared to give it!
There are a lot of benefits to having babies young. You have more energy and bounce back from the physically difficult parts quicker. If you have a good relationship with your parents, your baby has younger, more active grandparents. You’ll be done with the parenting portion of your life earlier, when you’re still active and can do things like travel and have an entirely new career if you want.
As to the downsides… Honestly, for most young parents I know, the major difficulty has been financial. Not short term, paying for the birth financial, although of course that can be a major issue. But long term, I see a lot of people who became parents young and are basically forever financially “behind” their older parent peers. They have more costs and can take fewer risks. It sounds like you’re prepared to have an infant, but also spend some time thinking about whether you’re prepared to have a 5 year old in 5 years, and a 13 year old when you’re 35. Where do you imagine yourself living when you’re 35? Where do your 35 year old friends live? How much money do they earn?
For me, my career path felt much more limited after I had a child at age 26. If I want to go back to school, my husband would need to be able to earn enough to support all three of us. I would need to be able to start paying back school debt immediately as well as having enough money for my family, which means I wouldn’t be able to live on an entry-level wage in my new field. I need a job with good health insurance, because if my toddler falls off the playground and I don’t know whether she’s broken her arm, I don’t want to be wondering if a trip to the ER will bankrupt us. So that means I can’t work a part-time or contract job or start my own business. My husband and I have to talk about what we would do if one of us died or was disabled, we have to be responsible for having a plan in place so that our child is taken care of.
There’s also the emotional relationship issues. In some ways I think having a child can bring out the worst in you. Everything seems more important. I have been incredibly grateful for the solid relationship my husband and I have after being together 8ish years before having a baby. We’ve both had a lot of practice talking to each other in highly charged emotional situations. I think that’s made it easier to negotiate things like whether we’re each doing our share, whether we feel appreciated, whether we’re getting our needs met, and whether our goals align… even when we’re incredibly sleep deprived and at our wits’ end. 🙂
It may be totally worth it to you! I adore my child and am glad every day that I had her. But that doesn’t make it easy. Try and make sure you know what you’re signing up for, not just for the birth and infant stage, but 10 years down the line.
While nobody can tell you a definitive answer, I can give you my own experience. I was 21. My partner and I had been together for 2 years. I had my child a month before my 22nd birthday. Looking back over the last 11 years, I do wish I had waited couple of years to give myself more ME time. I don’t feel as though it took away from being a couple, but I do think it took away from me figuring out who I was. At the time I thought I was more mature than other people my age, which was true, but I still had no idea how much my life views would change by my mid to late 20’s. Maybe that was due to my kid, maybe it was due to age. I can never know now. But for me, I wish I had waited. I don’t take issue with the idea of younger parents like a lot of people do, so if that’s your thing, you go for it. While I wish I had waited to have my kids, I’ve never regretted the actual having of them. I rocked it either way. And no matter what you decide, I’m sure you will too.
This is an incredibly personal decision. That said, what strikes me about your question is the focus on the pregnancy and birth, but not on the part after that. After I had my first child I realized that giving birth is like the eye of the hurricane. When you are going through pregnancy (the first part of the storm) it is quite a ride, but you look forward to birth, the end! You focus on birth so much, that you don’t realize it’s only a small moment in time, and that there is the whole other side of the storm to get through after that (i.e having a newborn/infant).
I thought I was prepared, but I was really only prepared for pregnancy and birth. I wasn’t prepared for the complete loss of my old life once I had a kid. I wasn’t prepared for the feelings of resentment towards my spouse because he could sleep while I nursed off and on every hour. Every single night. I wasn’t prepared for the career set back.
My advice would be to talk a lot more about the baby/child part of the equation with your spouse. You say you both have part time jobs, how will you afford the time taken for maternity leave? Do you have family support around you to deal with inevitable baby sickness emergencies once you are both at work? So many questions, I could go on, but I hope you see what I’m saying.
The one thing that no one said to me we conceived was that you CAN get pregnant on your first try. Not sure why I didn’t think of this in the first place, but for some reason I always had in my mind that it would take a while.
So, I went off the pill. And I got pregnant.
And even though we were together for years and had been married for 6 months, it was a total shock. Though I have no regrets, I do wish I had mentally (and financially) prepared myself a little more so that I could have enjoyed it more. Eventually, I got there. And I love my kid. But babies are hard. Just make sure you’re ready. Not just for your sake, but for your kid too.
There are pros to having kids in your early 20’s: you have more energy, your body is likely to handle pregnancy better, and you’ll be closer in age to your children. Plus it sounds like you really want to. So I would say go ahead, but keep in mind that “go ahead” might not mean ditching the condoms just yet. You might want to get an absolute idea of what childbirth is likely to cost you, and know exactly how much is covered. You might want to check out some books on parenting and have some conversations with your partner about some of the difficult topics. Make sure you have a plan for childcare/work, and maybe talk with some moms who have chosen a path similar to what you plan. Maybe consider joining your local La Leche League or other parenting group. But those things don’t have to take a couple of years. Maybe just a few weeks or months.
I think if you feel ready, go for it. I had my son at 22. Even though he wasn’t planned, I wouldn’t go back and change that for anything. He’s great, and I love him even when being a parent is rough.
However, I’m going to add a minor bummer here: my husband and I were together for a bit more than three years when our son was born. (He’s four now.) The financial ramifications of having a child would eventually be the catalyst that’s lead to us getting divorced now. (It’s not the reason, to be clear.) It sucks, but having a child can complicate your life financially in ways that aren’t insurance-related — its work hours you can’t take and shit like that.
That’s not say Just you wait and see; it’s gonna be the worst! I don’t mean to come off that way; lots of people with fewer means than us go on to raise kids without having money problems. And we had lots of underlying problems that we couldn’t see until we were looking at them in retrospect — but it wasn’t for lack of love or friendship. I just wish it’d been something we knew to talk about as we navigated our marriage and parenthood.
My fiancee and I are going through the same thing. We both very much want children (me more so than him), but there are many people who advise waiting. We’re not married, renting, don’t have the best jobs in the world, but we’ve both decided, like many others have said, that doesn’t matter as much as the relationship between the two of us. So, I’ll tell your our approach to the situation:
If it happens, it happens.
We’re not actively trying, but we’re not not trying. It’s a pretty easy-going mindset, really. If we conceive soon, great! If it doesn’t happen for a little while, we will just enjoy our time being a two-person household.
I’m 24 and in the middle of graduate school. We just had our first baby and I am very happy with our decision. It’s easy to think that maybe once you’re older these decisions will be easier and sometimes when I look in the mirror while holding my child I think “I look WAY too young for this,” but it’s working, it’s definitely not as bad as I thought it would be, and we’re happy. Your age can also be an asset. Good luck with your own decision.
I really struggle with this, but for different reasons. I’m 30, I have no idea if I have fertility issues, and I’m in a relationship with another woman. We both want kids, but I worry that I’m running out of time. Our relationship is solid, I have a job with good insurance, but we both have a lot of student debt and financially a kid would hurt. Compounding that, for us to have a kid is clearly a choice. There’s no ‘oops, nature magically took its course’ here.
So do I do the financially smart thing and wait longer, and maybe run out of time and never get to have a kid? Do I go ahead and have a kid and (potentially) bring a child into the world that I can’t provide the best life for financially right now? Not to mention the costs involved. It feels like some sort of horrible gamble.
I was a “happy accident” and always imagined that I would have my own happy accident someday. It’s been kinda rough knowing that that won’t happy (even though it’s because I’m in love with someone who isn’t equipped to make that happen, heh).
If it hasn’t already been done, the subject Ann is describing would be a whole interesting thread unto itself. Someone in my life is grappling with the same questions as you, and you’re right – so much more legwork and forethought has to go into family planning when you’re in a same-sex relationship. Would love to see that topic on Offbeat.
“for us to have a kid is clearly a choice. There’s no ‘oops, nature magically took its course’ here.”
Just one of the reasons it makes me so angry when politicians and voters try to control other people’s reproductive and family rights… why try to stop parents who want to be parents and have to make a conscious decision for it to happen?
I agree with JM that Ann’s situation would be a great thread and informative for people in similar situations. And also informative for people not in that situation to realize what it entails, from the emotional aspects, to the difficulties, to the awesome outcome.
Like others have said, I don’t think there is an answer, but I can say, I sure wish I started earlier, cause parenting is exhausting, so to have the energy of a 23 year old, plus the body of one to push a baby out- would be great. If you know who you are, have good support, won’t feel like you are missing out, do it! good luck.
I’m 31 and we just started trying. My best friend from high school got married at 20 and had her first (of four) kid at 21. Her husband is in the military and the whole family just spent the last three years in Germany. When we were talking, she told me that although it was so much more of a hassle to move a family of six than a family of two oversees, she has years of memories with her kids exploring Europe, and her kids will have those memories for a lifetime. You made a comment about your life being better if you could share it with your kids…she would, I think, whole-heartedly affirm that. If you have all your practical ducks in a row (finances, insurance, steady relationship with hubby), then it sounds like you’re ready. Yes, your life will change, but for some people, it’s the change they’re looking forward to instead of worrying about.
There is never a perfect time to have a baby. Never.
In my perspective, there are two important factors:
– Practical
– Emotional
It seems that you have covered the practical side concerning finances. Baby’s don’t cost tons of money in their first years, baby registries are (in my point of view) often just rediculous products of the commercial market. They need clothes, a roof above their head, diapers (actually, no, they don’t if you are considering elimination communication), and milk. Oh, and in my opinion a sling/baby carrier 🙂 But that doesn’t have to be expensive and even can be home made. Later on in life they will need more, but as they grow, you grow. As has been said already though: do consider the practical side as to: will you be working less? Do you need daycare? Really think about all these things carefully in advance, because once you’re pregant, nine months can look like a lifetime, but for those kind of things it’s good to have a plan beforehand, so you don’t have to deal with it while preparing emotionally for the baby.
The emotional side: that’s 100% personal and nobody is to judge that. But make sure YOU judge that side thoroughly. One thought for consideration: “maybe we would enjoy our lives more with children”. That IS possible, even probable! But it’s not guaranteed and not true 100% of the times. As you know it gets rough at times. So for the time being, try to enjoy your life right now, as well as the dream of becoming parents. Try to do some things that will be more challenging (although not necessarily impossible) the first years with a baby. Sleep in. Go to parties. Have a drink (oops, did I just say that?). Travel long distance and enjoy not having to look after anybody but yourself. It will never be the same and that’s not a bad thing at all, but try to get the most out of both stages of life, while you’re at it! You’ll thank yourself later.
I would ask you this: what life experiences have you dealt with so far? (No assumptions about you; just a question to ask yourself.)
For me, the most important factor in decisions like this is that I completely trust myself to make the best decision I can and to adapt. I’ve moved, made big purchases, gotten married, etc. But my early adulthood and late adolescence involved really significant hardship that taught me a lot of skills: drive, ability to put my head down and tunnel through, coping mechanisms, etc. Thus, when I begin to worry about the future, I remind myself: “I’m trustworthy. I trust that we will make the best choices and do what we need to do.”
It’s funny (ironic funny, not ha-ha funny) how everyone thinks it’s their business when you try to have a baby. In your case, people think you should wait. In my case (we’ve been married for 2.5 years, bought a huge house a year ago, have stable jobs with benefits, have master’s degrees, have two dogs), people are telling us we’re waiting too long. Do what you want and tell everyone else exactly what they can do with their opinions. It’s your life! You want a baby? Have a baby!
I was married 2 months when I became pregnant and it has been wonderful. The only thing is I spent my first anniversary feeling tired, grumpy and we certainly didn’t ‘celebrate’ because we has a 2 week old baby. I wish I had that first anniversary together doing something special. In saying that I’m over it and wouldn’t change my daughter for the world and am planning on being pregnant again by the next anniversary!
One other thing to remember is that if you have kids (I don’t know how many you want or anything) when you are say 22 and 24, that you’ll only be 44 when your kids are 20! You should still be fine to do the things you might want to do alone with your husband now, before you have kids, that require you to be “youngish” – like physically strenuous traveling for example. You’ll also have the resources and experience that come from being a little older to spend on yourself! Yes you can do that kind of thing with kids, or when you’re much older, but still…. I know that I’m 33 and it’ll still be at least a few years before I’m in a position to have kids, and it feels a little weird to know that I’ll be at least approaching 60, with all the attendant slowing down that comes with it, before my kids are grown.
TLDR; if you have kids when you’re quite young, you leave yourself a significant amount of time when you are still effectively young to do things – it’s just post-kids instead of pre-kids.
I have not read through comments so not sure if my comments have already been covered but here goes:
I had my child at 21. Not planned, I never really wanted kids but I wanted this one and he is 10 now and all decisions I make consider him first because he is the most important, most loved thing in my life. (Also worth noting his dad and I had not been together too long before conception, still together).
Things I experienced-
Having a baby is not the same as having a kid. I did not imagine parenting a 3 year old, 5 year old or 9 year old. My brain did not project beyond The Baby. In hindsight the baby bit was easy, parenting an actual talking thinking arguing actual.human was way more challenging. And way more rewarding.
I did not know myself at 21. I was not a well rounded grown ass adult. I am now 32 And just starting to feel like one. I know having a kid made me grow up fast, but I think it slowed down the ‘knowing thyself’ journey. I was mom first, me second.
I see friends having kids now and they seem way more relaxed than I was. I know for sure I would be way more relaxed if I had a kid now.
I have felt the odd one out all the way through. People my age don’t have kids, people who have kids are not my age. It has been lonely.
I have feelings of grief and jealousy about ‘losing’ my twenties to motherhood. I don’t talk about them to anyone EVER except other young moms. But they are there, painful, real and guilt inducing and I have to deal with them.
Motherhood had had a real impact on my working life and earning capacity. I am not doing my dream job. But my son gets picked up from school every day by his mom. My choice, for his benefit.
My journey is mine and nobody else’s, just wanted to share my personal experience. I know me, you know you!
I am almost 23, and my [unplanned, honeymoon baby] son was born when I was 21. I think there is a lot to be said for having kids young; it forces you to grow up, your body is the strongest it will ever be, you have more energy than you’d have as an older mom, your kids will be grown by the time you’re in your 40s, etc. But there are hard things, too. Most of your “me time” goes away (running your own business could become much more difficult!), and your circle of friends WILL change. It’s been pretty hard for me to lose some ground with my peers who just don’t get what it’s like to have a child. No more staying up all night talking about life, going to concerts, or watching 5 episodes of a show. There’s no way to predict what your life will be like with kids, but I guarantee it won’t be exactly like you picture it (for better and worse). That said, I wish more young couples were so excited for kids like you guys are, and I think enthusiastic parents make great parents!
My husband and I are young parents, he’s 22 and I’m 23 and our daughter is about 18 months old. We had been together for a year when we found out [we had not been trying, in fact I was on bc], and were not living together. I was working a [very] part time job and he was still in his second year of college… But the minute I walked into the room and showed him that little pee stick, we were both so sure of what we wanted. His parents cut him off completely when we told them, they begged us to get an abortion and actually threw out some pretty serious insults before refusing to be a part of any of it and not speaking to either of us for days. My parents were happy for us, but warned that it would be a serious undertaking and were worried about our financial stability. You know what happened though? We knew what we wanted, we knew that we had the love and commitment to our child, and that’s all that mattered in the end. My husband put in resumes EVERYWHERE he could, and we learned to take budgeting to a whole new level! We made it through the entire pregnancy and birth completely on our own, with my family all living hours or more away and his family being stubborn jackasses.
These days everyone is involved in Little O’s life and they all adore her, we’ve been living in the lovely little home we bought for about two months and it couldn’t be better! My husband is working a great job that pays enough for me to stay home full time with my daughter and he’s still applying for apprenticeships in the field that he eventually wants to make a permanent career in. All this without having finished any degree in college [not quite yet anyway] or relying on a ton of government assistance! I’m really proud of us, in a way, and I just want to let all the other young parents know that you CAN do it! Money? Eh, it’s nice, but not nearly as important as people will make it out to be [especially when it comes to babies], and a house? A college degree? Well, if those are things you want, then putting them aside for a little while is up to you, but I can tell you right here and now that they aren’t huge necessities and they won’t make you a better parent. I guess the moral of my story here, is that the only things you should worry about having before trying to conceive [in my humble opinion] are commitment, motivation, a loving partner with whom you share a stable relationship, and ideally, a warm and supportive network of friends or at least a few family members who’ve really got your back. All in all though, this is a decision that no one else should really convince you of, one way or another. If you two want to have a baby now, all you need to do is ask each other, “Can we do this?” and I think you’ll know the answer.
My husband and I knew we wanted to have kids as soon as we got married. I was 20 and he was 22. We were both stable and knew we could handle the emotional and financial responsibilities. It turns out it took us over a year of actively trying but now we are expecting a little one Jan 5th. You are going to get crap from tons of people who think that just because we are young we cant raise a baby when the average age for raising a child was early 20’s. I don’t think anyone is ever truly ready but you know better than anyone what is best for you and your family.
We got pregnant 9 months post wedding, sort of unexpectedly. We aimed to do the ‘two years to save up’ thing. But if there’s one bit of advice I can give, it’s that babies aren’t as expensive as you’d imagine. We had people falling out of the sky giving us second hand furniture and clothes (not to mention the presents !) ..
Our bub is almost 6 weeks old, and the only thing we’ve purchasedfor him is wipes and a cot mattress.
I love my daughter. I love being a mom. I loved labor and birth (good thing because it took 2 days!). I loved being pregnant. My husband and I knew from our first date that we both wanted kids. When I got pregnant I was 28 and my husband 29 and we had been together for 4 years and married for 2. We had good jobs, own and house and had your usual amount of school debt. It really worked for us. We are glad we didn’t wait. We are REALLY glad it didn’t take us long to get pregnant.
If we had been together at 22 and I knew what I know I would have waited. You likely WILL enjoy your lives more with children. If you are a passionate breeder and have been looking forward to it since you were little (this would be me) life WILL be more fun with babies and toddlers and kids. Even if you are more exhausted, more time crunched and less financially free. If we had met and married and settled by 22 (and I knew what I now know) I would have traveled. Cross country, Africa, South America…We would have spent more time staying up late, having spontaneous sex in our own bed and kitchen and tent. We would have dedicated 2 years to really tightening up our bond and really celebrating each other and our relationship as a pair. Then at 24 we would have pulled the pin on the grenade and see what happened. My husband and I are more in love than ever with our daughter around. Seriously, we were tight before and then had a really hard time the first 6-9 months after she was born (sleep deprivation, post partum anxiety and no sex drive were really hard) and now we are more in love than ever. I wish we had had the time to pay attention to the end of our “US” period because I love Ramona more than anything I have ever known. I will always put her first and worry most about her. I am a mom above anything else at the moment, maybe forever. So, if you have the time, make yourself a small bucket list (Save five-thousand dollars, buy a family car, pay off credit card, travel to someplace you have always wanted to go, sleep in the silent woods, get really drunk with your friends, go on some sort of trip alone and relish your unencumbered mental freedom). Set yourself a year or two to really consciously pay attention and then enjoy the start of family phase. Of course this is all my hind sight. Best of luck whatever you choose.
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I have no advice one way or the other, but I would like to offer up advice if you do decide to go ahead, at any age. When my son was born, baby blues hit like WHOA but the upside of that is that I was more in love with my husband than I’d ever been. And because of that, I spent about two weeks just wishing that I could go back and be with just him for two days. (I don’t know why, but two days seemed important.)
It wasn’t that I didn’t want my son, I just wanted to be alone with my husband for two days. And we were SO ready to get pregnant and I was beyond ready to get that breech baby out. But that funky cocktail of hormones and just the biggness of life in general made me feel like I’d made a mistake, not in having my son but that I wasn’t ready for my little family to be more than me and my husband.
I bring this up to illustrate that even being ready doesn’t mean that you won’t feel like you started a family too soon later on. When you do decide to have kids, make sure you and your partner are kind to yourselves afterward and have a good support system to help you transition to the newness. And maybe keep a journal of all the feelings you have now and why you’re so ready; maybe it will help you make your decision now, but it will definitely help to read later when you have a Bluth moment and think, “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
We get married at the end of this month. I start the prenatal vitamins tomorrow (I used up the last of the regular ones this morning.)
My fiance and I are getting married BECAUSE we’re ready for kids. Otherwise we’d probably just continue as we have been for the past 6 years, because it’s all working for us. But a child would benefit from the legal and social framework that marriage provides, and also I want a big party.
I guess what I mean to say is, if you and he both feel you’re ready emotionally and financially, then you’re ready. The timing of baby vs wedding isn’t meaningful in this context.
I was in a similar position to you and we didn’t wait. I feel my son was begging to be born, and I cannot regret a second of his existence.
BUT if I had it to do again I would TRY to wait a couple years. We have suffered financially an incredible amount which has made life very hard for us. I had no idea how incapable of doing ANYTHING but caring for the baby I would be for a very long time. All babies are different, and some are easygoing and healthy, and some are also perfect and extremely demanding of extra nurturing because it is what they need. I got one of those extremely demanding of extra nurturing. You might too. Or you might not. Who knows.
Maybe your deep desire is a message from your heart that it’s the right time for you. Nobody can tell you that!
But, prepare as much as you can, consider the impact on your business if you’re unable to work for longer than you expect. Sure babies don’t necessarily require alot of money (though you never know what unexpected things will come up), but they need ALOT of YOU, so be prepared to give it!
There are a lot of benefits to having babies young. You have more energy and bounce back from the physically difficult parts quicker. If you have a good relationship with your parents, your baby has younger, more active grandparents. You’ll be done with the parenting portion of your life earlier, when you’re still active and can do things like travel and have an entirely new career if you want.
As to the downsides… Honestly, for most young parents I know, the major difficulty has been financial. Not short term, paying for the birth financial, although of course that can be a major issue. But long term, I see a lot of people who became parents young and are basically forever financially “behind” their older parent peers. They have more costs and can take fewer risks. It sounds like you’re prepared to have an infant, but also spend some time thinking about whether you’re prepared to have a 5 year old in 5 years, and a 13 year old when you’re 35. Where do you imagine yourself living when you’re 35? Where do your 35 year old friends live? How much money do they earn?
For me, my career path felt much more limited after I had a child at age 26. If I want to go back to school, my husband would need to be able to earn enough to support all three of us. I would need to be able to start paying back school debt immediately as well as having enough money for my family, which means I wouldn’t be able to live on an entry-level wage in my new field. I need a job with good health insurance, because if my toddler falls off the playground and I don’t know whether she’s broken her arm, I don’t want to be wondering if a trip to the ER will bankrupt us. So that means I can’t work a part-time or contract job or start my own business. My husband and I have to talk about what we would do if one of us died or was disabled, we have to be responsible for having a plan in place so that our child is taken care of.
There’s also the emotional relationship issues. In some ways I think having a child can bring out the worst in you. Everything seems more important. I have been incredibly grateful for the solid relationship my husband and I have after being together 8ish years before having a baby. We’ve both had a lot of practice talking to each other in highly charged emotional situations. I think that’s made it easier to negotiate things like whether we’re each doing our share, whether we feel appreciated, whether we’re getting our needs met, and whether our goals align… even when we’re incredibly sleep deprived and at our wits’ end. 🙂
It may be totally worth it to you! I adore my child and am glad every day that I had her. But that doesn’t make it easy. Try and make sure you know what you’re signing up for, not just for the birth and infant stage, but 10 years down the line.
While nobody can tell you a definitive answer, I can give you my own experience. I was 21. My partner and I had been together for 2 years. I had my child a month before my 22nd birthday. Looking back over the last 11 years, I do wish I had waited couple of years to give myself more ME time. I don’t feel as though it took away from being a couple, but I do think it took away from me figuring out who I was. At the time I thought I was more mature than other people my age, which was true, but I still had no idea how much my life views would change by my mid to late 20’s. Maybe that was due to my kid, maybe it was due to age. I can never know now. But for me, I wish I had waited. I don’t take issue with the idea of younger parents like a lot of people do, so if that’s your thing, you go for it. While I wish I had waited to have my kids, I’ve never regretted the actual having of them. I rocked it either way. And no matter what you decide, I’m sure you will too.
This is an incredibly personal decision. That said, what strikes me about your question is the focus on the pregnancy and birth, but not on the part after that. After I had my first child I realized that giving birth is like the eye of the hurricane. When you are going through pregnancy (the first part of the storm) it is quite a ride, but you look forward to birth, the end! You focus on birth so much, that you don’t realize it’s only a small moment in time, and that there is the whole other side of the storm to get through after that (i.e having a newborn/infant).
I thought I was prepared, but I was really only prepared for pregnancy and birth. I wasn’t prepared for the complete loss of my old life once I had a kid. I wasn’t prepared for the feelings of resentment towards my spouse because he could sleep while I nursed off and on every hour. Every single night. I wasn’t prepared for the career set back.
My advice would be to talk a lot more about the baby/child part of the equation with your spouse. You say you both have part time jobs, how will you afford the time taken for maternity leave? Do you have family support around you to deal with inevitable baby sickness emergencies once you are both at work? So many questions, I could go on, but I hope you see what I’m saying.
Good Luck!
The one thing that no one said to me we conceived was that you CAN get pregnant on your first try. Not sure why I didn’t think of this in the first place, but for some reason I always had in my mind that it would take a while.
So, I went off the pill. And I got pregnant.
And even though we were together for years and had been married for 6 months, it was a total shock. Though I have no regrets, I do wish I had mentally (and financially) prepared myself a little more so that I could have enjoyed it more. Eventually, I got there. And I love my kid. But babies are hard. Just make sure you’re ready. Not just for your sake, but for your kid too.
There are pros to having kids in your early 20’s: you have more energy, your body is likely to handle pregnancy better, and you’ll be closer in age to your children. Plus it sounds like you really want to. So I would say go ahead, but keep in mind that “go ahead” might not mean ditching the condoms just yet. You might want to get an absolute idea of what childbirth is likely to cost you, and know exactly how much is covered. You might want to check out some books on parenting and have some conversations with your partner about some of the difficult topics. Make sure you have a plan for childcare/work, and maybe talk with some moms who have chosen a path similar to what you plan. Maybe consider joining your local La Leche League or other parenting group. But those things don’t have to take a couple of years. Maybe just a few weeks or months.
Good luck!
I think if you feel ready, go for it. I had my son at 22. Even though he wasn’t planned, I wouldn’t go back and change that for anything. He’s great, and I love him even when being a parent is rough.
However, I’m going to add a minor bummer here: my husband and I were together for a bit more than three years when our son was born. (He’s four now.) The financial ramifications of having a child would eventually be the catalyst that’s lead to us getting divorced now. (It’s not the reason, to be clear.) It sucks, but having a child can complicate your life financially in ways that aren’t insurance-related — its work hours you can’t take and shit like that.
That’s not say Just you wait and see; it’s gonna be the worst! I don’t mean to come off that way; lots of people with fewer means than us go on to raise kids without having money problems. And we had lots of underlying problems that we couldn’t see until we were looking at them in retrospect — but it wasn’t for lack of love or friendship. I just wish it’d been something we knew to talk about as we navigated our marriage and parenthood.
My fiancee and I are going through the same thing. We both very much want children (me more so than him), but there are many people who advise waiting. We’re not married, renting, don’t have the best jobs in the world, but we’ve both decided, like many others have said, that doesn’t matter as much as the relationship between the two of us. So, I’ll tell your our approach to the situation:
If it happens, it happens.
We’re not actively trying, but we’re not not trying. It’s a pretty easy-going mindset, really. If we conceive soon, great! If it doesn’t happen for a little while, we will just enjoy our time being a two-person household.
I’m 24 and in the middle of graduate school. We just had our first baby and I am very happy with our decision. It’s easy to think that maybe once you’re older these decisions will be easier and sometimes when I look in the mirror while holding my child I think “I look WAY too young for this,” but it’s working, it’s definitely not as bad as I thought it would be, and we’re happy. Your age can also be an asset. Good luck with your own decision.
I really struggle with this, but for different reasons. I’m 30, I have no idea if I have fertility issues, and I’m in a relationship with another woman. We both want kids, but I worry that I’m running out of time. Our relationship is solid, I have a job with good insurance, but we both have a lot of student debt and financially a kid would hurt. Compounding that, for us to have a kid is clearly a choice. There’s no ‘oops, nature magically took its course’ here.
So do I do the financially smart thing and wait longer, and maybe run out of time and never get to have a kid? Do I go ahead and have a kid and (potentially) bring a child into the world that I can’t provide the best life for financially right now? Not to mention the costs involved. It feels like some sort of horrible gamble.
I was a “happy accident” and always imagined that I would have my own happy accident someday. It’s been kinda rough knowing that that won’t happy (even though it’s because I’m in love with someone who isn’t equipped to make that happen, heh).
If it hasn’t already been done, the subject Ann is describing would be a whole interesting thread unto itself. Someone in my life is grappling with the same questions as you, and you’re right – so much more legwork and forethought has to go into family planning when you’re in a same-sex relationship. Would love to see that topic on Offbeat.
“for us to have a kid is clearly a choice. There’s no ‘oops, nature magically took its course’ here.”
Just one of the reasons it makes me so angry when politicians and voters try to control other people’s reproductive and family rights… why try to stop parents who want to be parents and have to make a conscious decision for it to happen?
I agree with JM that Ann’s situation would be a great thread and informative for people in similar situations. And also informative for people not in that situation to realize what it entails, from the emotional aspects, to the difficulties, to the awesome outcome.
Like others have said, I don’t think there is an answer, but I can say, I sure wish I started earlier, cause parenting is exhausting, so to have the energy of a 23 year old, plus the body of one to push a baby out- would be great. If you know who you are, have good support, won’t feel like you are missing out, do it! good luck.
I’m 31 and we just started trying. My best friend from high school got married at 20 and had her first (of four) kid at 21. Her husband is in the military and the whole family just spent the last three years in Germany. When we were talking, she told me that although it was so much more of a hassle to move a family of six than a family of two oversees, she has years of memories with her kids exploring Europe, and her kids will have those memories for a lifetime. You made a comment about your life being better if you could share it with your kids…she would, I think, whole-heartedly affirm that. If you have all your practical ducks in a row (finances, insurance, steady relationship with hubby), then it sounds like you’re ready. Yes, your life will change, but for some people, it’s the change they’re looking forward to instead of worrying about.
There is never a perfect time to have a baby. Never.
In my perspective, there are two important factors:
– Practical
– Emotional
It seems that you have covered the practical side concerning finances. Baby’s don’t cost tons of money in their first years, baby registries are (in my point of view) often just rediculous products of the commercial market. They need clothes, a roof above their head, diapers (actually, no, they don’t if you are considering elimination communication), and milk. Oh, and in my opinion a sling/baby carrier 🙂 But that doesn’t have to be expensive and even can be home made. Later on in life they will need more, but as they grow, you grow. As has been said already though: do consider the practical side as to: will you be working less? Do you need daycare? Really think about all these things carefully in advance, because once you’re pregant, nine months can look like a lifetime, but for those kind of things it’s good to have a plan beforehand, so you don’t have to deal with it while preparing emotionally for the baby.
The emotional side: that’s 100% personal and nobody is to judge that. But make sure YOU judge that side thoroughly. One thought for consideration: “maybe we would enjoy our lives more with children”. That IS possible, even probable! But it’s not guaranteed and not true 100% of the times. As you know it gets rough at times. So for the time being, try to enjoy your life right now, as well as the dream of becoming parents. Try to do some things that will be more challenging (although not necessarily impossible) the first years with a baby. Sleep in. Go to parties. Have a drink (oops, did I just say that?). Travel long distance and enjoy not having to look after anybody but yourself. It will never be the same and that’s not a bad thing at all, but try to get the most out of both stages of life, while you’re at it! You’ll thank yourself later.
I would ask you this: what life experiences have you dealt with so far? (No assumptions about you; just a question to ask yourself.)
For me, the most important factor in decisions like this is that I completely trust myself to make the best decision I can and to adapt. I’ve moved, made big purchases, gotten married, etc. But my early adulthood and late adolescence involved really significant hardship that taught me a lot of skills: drive, ability to put my head down and tunnel through, coping mechanisms, etc. Thus, when I begin to worry about the future, I remind myself: “I’m trustworthy. I trust that we will make the best choices and do what we need to do.”
It’s funny (ironic funny, not ha-ha funny) how everyone thinks it’s their business when you try to have a baby. In your case, people think you should wait. In my case (we’ve been married for 2.5 years, bought a huge house a year ago, have stable jobs with benefits, have master’s degrees, have two dogs), people are telling us we’re waiting too long. Do what you want and tell everyone else exactly what they can do with their opinions. It’s your life! You want a baby? Have a baby!
I was married 2 months when I became pregnant and it has been wonderful. The only thing is I spent my first anniversary feeling tired, grumpy and we certainly didn’t ‘celebrate’ because we has a 2 week old baby. I wish I had that first anniversary together doing something special. In saying that I’m over it and wouldn’t change my daughter for the world and am planning on being pregnant again by the next anniversary!
One other thing to remember is that if you have kids (I don’t know how many you want or anything) when you are say 22 and 24, that you’ll only be 44 when your kids are 20! You should still be fine to do the things you might want to do alone with your husband now, before you have kids, that require you to be “youngish” – like physically strenuous traveling for example. You’ll also have the resources and experience that come from being a little older to spend on yourself! Yes you can do that kind of thing with kids, or when you’re much older, but still…. I know that I’m 33 and it’ll still be at least a few years before I’m in a position to have kids, and it feels a little weird to know that I’ll be at least approaching 60, with all the attendant slowing down that comes with it, before my kids are grown.
TLDR; if you have kids when you’re quite young, you leave yourself a significant amount of time when you are still effectively young to do things – it’s just post-kids instead of pre-kids.
I have not read through comments so not sure if my comments have already been covered but here goes:
I had my child at 21. Not planned, I never really wanted kids but I wanted this one and he is 10 now and all decisions I make consider him first because he is the most important, most loved thing in my life. (Also worth noting his dad and I had not been together too long before conception, still together).
Things I experienced-
Having a baby is not the same as having a kid. I did not imagine parenting a 3 year old, 5 year old or 9 year old. My brain did not project beyond The Baby. In hindsight the baby bit was easy, parenting an actual talking thinking arguing actual.human was way more challenging. And way more rewarding.
I did not know myself at 21. I was not a well rounded grown ass adult. I am now 32 And just starting to feel like one. I know having a kid made me grow up fast, but I think it slowed down the ‘knowing thyself’ journey. I was mom first, me second.
I see friends having kids now and they seem way more relaxed than I was. I know for sure I would be way more relaxed if I had a kid now.
I have felt the odd one out all the way through. People my age don’t have kids, people who have kids are not my age. It has been lonely.
I have feelings of grief and jealousy about ‘losing’ my twenties to motherhood. I don’t talk about them to anyone EVER except other young moms. But they are there, painful, real and guilt inducing and I have to deal with them.
Motherhood had had a real impact on my working life and earning capacity. I am not doing my dream job. But my son gets picked up from school every day by his mom. My choice, for his benefit.
My journey is mine and nobody else’s, just wanted to share my personal experience. I know me, you know you!
PS I love my son, he rocks my world!
I am almost 23, and my [unplanned, honeymoon baby] son was born when I was 21. I think there is a lot to be said for having kids young; it forces you to grow up, your body is the strongest it will ever be, you have more energy than you’d have as an older mom, your kids will be grown by the time you’re in your 40s, etc. But there are hard things, too. Most of your “me time” goes away (running your own business could become much more difficult!), and your circle of friends WILL change. It’s been pretty hard for me to lose some ground with my peers who just don’t get what it’s like to have a child. No more staying up all night talking about life, going to concerts, or watching 5 episodes of a show. There’s no way to predict what your life will be like with kids, but I guarantee it won’t be exactly like you picture it (for better and worse). That said, I wish more young couples were so excited for kids like you guys are, and I think enthusiastic parents make great parents!
My husband and I are young parents, he’s 22 and I’m 23 and our daughter is about 18 months old. We had been together for a year when we found out [we had not been trying, in fact I was on bc], and were not living together. I was working a [very] part time job and he was still in his second year of college… But the minute I walked into the room and showed him that little pee stick, we were both so sure of what we wanted. His parents cut him off completely when we told them, they begged us to get an abortion and actually threw out some pretty serious insults before refusing to be a part of any of it and not speaking to either of us for days. My parents were happy for us, but warned that it would be a serious undertaking and were worried about our financial stability. You know what happened though? We knew what we wanted, we knew that we had the love and commitment to our child, and that’s all that mattered in the end. My husband put in resumes EVERYWHERE he could, and we learned to take budgeting to a whole new level! We made it through the entire pregnancy and birth completely on our own, with my family all living hours or more away and his family being stubborn jackasses.
These days everyone is involved in Little O’s life and they all adore her, we’ve been living in the lovely little home we bought for about two months and it couldn’t be better! My husband is working a great job that pays enough for me to stay home full time with my daughter and he’s still applying for apprenticeships in the field that he eventually wants to make a permanent career in. All this without having finished any degree in college [not quite yet anyway] or relying on a ton of government assistance! I’m really proud of us, in a way, and I just want to let all the other young parents know that you CAN do it! Money? Eh, it’s nice, but not nearly as important as people will make it out to be [especially when it comes to babies], and a house? A college degree? Well, if those are things you want, then putting them aside for a little while is up to you, but I can tell you right here and now that they aren’t huge necessities and they won’t make you a better parent. I guess the moral of my story here, is that the only things you should worry about having before trying to conceive [in my humble opinion] are commitment, motivation, a loving partner with whom you share a stable relationship, and ideally, a warm and supportive network of friends or at least a few family members who’ve really got your back. All in all though, this is a decision that no one else should really convince you of, one way or another. If you two want to have a baby now, all you need to do is ask each other, “Can we do this?” and I think you’ll know the answer.
My husband and I knew we wanted to have kids as soon as we got married. I was 20 and he was 22. We were both stable and knew we could handle the emotional and financial responsibilities. It turns out it took us over a year of actively trying but now we are expecting a little one Jan 5th. You are going to get crap from tons of people who think that just because we are young we cant raise a baby when the average age for raising a child was early 20’s. I don’t think anyone is ever truly ready but you know better than anyone what is best for you and your family.
We got pregnant 9 months post wedding, sort of unexpectedly. We aimed to do the ‘two years to save up’ thing. But if there’s one bit of advice I can give, it’s that babies aren’t as expensive as you’d imagine. We had people falling out of the sky giving us second hand furniture and clothes (not to mention the presents !) ..
Our bub is almost 6 weeks old, and the only thing we’ve purchasedfor him is wipes and a cot mattress.
I love my daughter. I love being a mom. I loved labor and birth (good thing because it took 2 days!). I loved being pregnant. My husband and I knew from our first date that we both wanted kids. When I got pregnant I was 28 and my husband 29 and we had been together for 4 years and married for 2. We had good jobs, own and house and had your usual amount of school debt. It really worked for us. We are glad we didn’t wait. We are REALLY glad it didn’t take us long to get pregnant.
If we had been together at 22 and I knew what I know I would have waited. You likely WILL enjoy your lives more with children. If you are a passionate breeder and have been looking forward to it since you were little (this would be me) life WILL be more fun with babies and toddlers and kids. Even if you are more exhausted, more time crunched and less financially free. If we had met and married and settled by 22 (and I knew what I now know) I would have traveled. Cross country, Africa, South America…We would have spent more time staying up late, having spontaneous sex in our own bed and kitchen and tent. We would have dedicated 2 years to really tightening up our bond and really celebrating each other and our relationship as a pair. Then at 24 we would have pulled the pin on the grenade and see what happened. My husband and I are more in love than ever with our daughter around. Seriously, we were tight before and then had a really hard time the first 6-9 months after she was born (sleep deprivation, post partum anxiety and no sex drive were really hard) and now we are more in love than ever. I wish we had had the time to pay attention to the end of our “US” period because I love Ramona more than anything I have ever known. I will always put her first and worry most about her. I am a mom above anything else at the moment, maybe forever. So, if you have the time, make yourself a small bucket list (Save five-thousand dollars, buy a family car, pay off credit card, travel to someplace you have always wanted to go, sleep in the silent woods, get really drunk with your friends, go on some sort of trip alone and relish your unencumbered mental freedom). Set yourself a year or two to really consciously pay attention and then enjoy the start of family phase. Of course this is all my hind sight. Best of luck whatever you choose.