Posted by
Like many of us my husband and I have pasts… and not everything is lily white. I went through a time where I was making some fairly high risk choices to sooth personal self-esteem issues, and my husband was married before to a person who for many reasons was a very bad choice. While we aren’t proud of these things in our past, we also aren’t ashamed of them — they are part of who we are, and helped define our characters. Our hope is that our children can learn from our mistakes without making them (they should make their own mistakes and stop copying ours!).
How and when do we tell them our mistakes — and how do we tell our kids we aren’t perfect while still clearly establishing rules about what behavior is OK? -H. Prynne
I agree with the general sentiment here. Let your kids know about your past in age-appropriate, teachable moments. My Mom told me when I was 10 that she was married before, to a man with a serious drug problem. At the time, I thought, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” But now I understand that that was the right time for her to let me know.
Also, when I was a junior in high school, I was suspended, and she told me that she was expelled from the same school that I was then attending.
I almost wish that we’d had an open dialogue about those things since my childhood, but I know that she was just trying to protect me. I will definitely be more open with my children from the start, but I am happy that my mother decided to share her life before I was born with me, even though it wasn’t really until I was in my late teens.
Thank you for this question! I have had something similar rattling through my mind ever since I decided I want to have a child. For one thing I am trans, and the question of some day explaining why I look so different in year books and old photos I’m already bracing myself for and looking for clues with how my own parents handled telling me things.
My Dad on one hand has always been very open, telling stories of his life, his ex-wife and my half brothers. Even his sexual exploits where tales I got to hear repeated in increasing detail over my adolescences and I have always felt very close to him – more like a teacher and mentor than anything. The other thing he has always done is listen to my stories and experiences openly and interjecting with his own advice where it was warranted. His openness gave me space to do the same.
My mother on the other hand has kept much of her past a secret to me until now. Her own struggles with abuse and anger towards her parents have colored our relationship in a bad light for as long as I can remember. Again, in a lot of cases, Dad is the one that tells me snipets of her past to explain her reaction to things. Soooo very much more of my childhood makes sense knowing what I know now. It would have made growing up, particularly from that 10 yrs +, easier to navigate as I could see what her decisions were based on. And yet because she can’t talk about it with ‘her child’ all those tools for conversation are left useless and our bond is pretty severely broken.
For me, the lack of history from my mom has made things fragile between us at best and sadly, her whole side of the family is that way, making everyone almost strangers out of embarrassment or guilt. I still can’t talk about my own body issues, social issues or relationships because the fact that I had them at all makes her a bad mother.
I decided that from very young I want her to understand my gender and the relationship between myself and her other daddy, and most importantly my relationship with her, at least as best a kid can. And at least in that we have friends all over the spectrum to help her see. For other subjects I think I will at least start with stories and troubles I can relate to what she is going through or things she asks about from me, but mostly let her know that all questions and conversations can happen without shame or embarrassment.
The title of this seems incongruous once I read the article. THOSE aren’t ‘dirty little secrets’! They are simply what happens in life. Maybe there are some people who have never behaved badly, never taken any intoxicating substance and never been arrested/ charged/ convicted, but I suspect that there are not many.
For me it is not a matter of secrecy, but of relevance. When I discuss drugs with my kids I mention my drug use. It is past drug use, but only because of lifestyle changes, not a deliberate choice as I never had a problem with any drug.
The same applies with sexual behaviour, law breaking, interpersonal conflict (including violence), etc etc. It is all about relevance. I do not tell them everything, not because I have ‘dirty little secrets’, but because I am their parent, not their mate.
Here’s what my folks did: when their experience was relevant to whatever I was going through they brought it up, in terms they deemed developmentally appropriate. This meant that I got a few pieces and a broad outline through out my teen years, mostly. Then when I turned 18, and was getting ready to head off to college, they created a sort of rite-of-passage that has been repeated with my sibs. Anything they felt it was important for me to know at that point that hadn’t come up already got talked about. These were private, one on one conversations with each of them. My mom and I went out for coffee, and she started the conversation in the car by handing me a huge box of condoms with the words “if you are anything like me you will need these” (turned out she was referring to getting around to STD testing with her partner, not number of sexual encounters). She’s kind of dramatic that way. My dad took me camping and we sat around a campfire until almost dawn. I still think this was beautiful of them to do, it was the next step in transforming the uneven parent-child relationship into a more egalitarian adult friendship and made me feel comfortable sharing with them most of my dilemmas and poor choices (thought not all), which I felt free to make, or not make, because hey, they screwed up, too. It also helped me view them as real, fallible, complex people which was helpful in getting over the adolescent disillusionment with them. I’m trying to follow this pattern. Tbh, so far I mostly have to put the breaks on over-sharing info my kid neither asked for nor requires at six, usually about her absent dad. It’s tricky and nobody is gonna get it right all the time (there were definitely some stories from my parents I heard before I was really ready and a few things I was ticked I hadn’t heard about). I really respect your goals with this, though, I think it is overall better to share at some point than not share at all.