A US military pre-op trans woman and fiancée ponder parenthood

As a pre-op trans woman struggling with life in the US Armed Forces (while "Don't ask, don't tell" is not gone, transgender people are still forced to live in the dark) who had just arrived at a new command with no friends, no idea what I was in for, and no clue who I could trust. A dream of a woman — who was also fairly new to the command — entered into my life. At the time I assumed I had no chance with her. Even if I did, all the heartbreak I had experienced over the years had left me believing that the women I'm attracted to never understand my journey as a transgender woman, and are never willing to help me through the issues I deal with on a daily basis.

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I've known I was transgender since age 2

I have a hard time explaining to non-transgender people how I knew I was male from the start; I just did. I sometimes ask them, "How do you know you're male or female?" Often, they go quiet and look stumped, because they can't answer it either. Most people seem to just know, right? You can't pinpoint what makes you feel that way or when exactly you realized it, can you? You likely always just knew.

Where will I fit into the life of my partner-of-only-a-year's child?

Last year I met a fabulous genderqueer person with whom I fell into bed unexpectedly one night and fell in love with almost as quickly — a person who told me in the very first hour or two of serious conversation, right before serious cuddling became serious sex, that he was planning to get pregnant and become a single mom within a year. And I surprised myself by instantly thinking "That's interesting… where do I fit in? How can I be part of this? Who do I want to be?"

Because we're queer and gender non-normative, we have a wonderful terrifying freedom to design our own family structure. Who will we be together? He (who just as happily goes by she) is set on being Mom or Mama or Mother to the Real Live Baby he's growing inside him. My role is not set. Do I want to be a Dad, a Daddy, a Papa, or a Pops? Or an Uncle K or a KayPaw or just K? Do I want to be a parent or only the partner of one? And who does the Real Live Baby, and the Real Live Baby's mother, want me to be?